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You were taken from me so suddenly. I never had the chance to show my care for you. My love for you. The pain of a potential unrequited love rendered me voiceless. Fearful of your answer. I was too late…
And now I stand at your grave, praying to a god I don’t believe in for you to come back . That first day, for hours I had no emotion, only an urge to move fast and unthinking. Then it hit me all at once. On the grass, fists balled and shaking with a grief that bled from my bones. Never had I been so bereft of emotion. Nothing was comforting. Not even the memories we had together. Yet no tears ever came…
Days became weeks and months, years… and in every single moment of every single day my soul asked God why I must still live. Why couldn’t I have been taken in your place?
No . God wouldn’t take you from me. An omnipotent god that’s supposed to make his subjects happy wouldn’t do this.
Why did you leave me? Why ?
All I want to do is sleep now, but even my dreams are filled with you. I wish I could say I welcomed them. Your smile, your contagious laughter, your pure unadulterated excitement when something was a success.
But then they turn to nightmares. Of the last images I ever saw of you.
A hole in your temple… crimson red seeping from the side of your head laying on the table. Blood soaked papers… Obsidian eyes glazed over and unblinking to the world around you. A gun on the ground- one that had clearly fallen from the hand that caused your death.
The feeling I had once my eyes had you in my sight was immeasurable. Only a hole was left in my chest. A sightless void that could never be sewn shut. I tried to trick my mind into thinking I could see the rise and fall of your chest, but no… your body was still as I held you. I couldn’t cry. All I could feel was disconnected. Numb. As if I was outside of my body experiencing this as I would a movie. The chill in my blood, coldness bringing the synapses of my brain to a stand still as I saw you. I was just an empty shell. A ghost of a man I once was. A silence to my soul that could never speak again. A silence that was somehow so loud .
Even the memories we had together aren’t enough to close the hole you left. You made me laugh in a way I never thought was possible. You made me love in a way that words could never describe.
They said the grief would come in waves. They said that grief had a way of removing one from the world, and that eventually I would be able to weave myself anew into the fabric of the living and give myself a chance at future happiness. The feeling of grief would eventually erode, they said… I would come out stronger, they said…
They couldn’t have been more wrong. That day still hasn’t come.
Ever since that day, I can’t look at the mirror the same again. You provided a sense of normalcy to my life. Said normalcy is now gone.
You were celebrated, though. I was bombarded with well meant words that day. I wanted them to be taken away… the songs and smiles meant nothing. They weren’t *real*. Something fake somehow hurt more. Those… people didn’t know you like I did…
But did I ever know you?
What I needed is something that never came. No matter how much I sought, I still haven’t found it. Every time I tried to reach out for someone to throw me a rope in this pit I was endlessly falling into, the floor sank just a little lower, jolting my body when it stopped- crushing me with new pain and abandonment. I tried every day, worked for what I wanted and needed tirelessly, but there were no paths to success. I could never find it, not from here. You made me feel as if I was born for great things in a time I was so sure I wasn't, but… I could never find my place in the sun again.
All I am now is a dying ember, awaiting to be put out. Waiting… always waiting for the cold wind to whisk my ashes away to the same place you fell in.