Work Text:
Seonghwa was a kind soul, a gentle, caring human being, soft hearted, paid attention to all the details around him, with a tendency to look after people close to him. Ever since their debut days, he was particularly smitten with Hongjoong, seeing him as the brightest person in this universe. Spending his days and showing effort to be close to him, after all, they had to be similar, same ages, the hyungs in the group, a pair that even the kids thought of as their parents, one of them a mama bird, the other the sturdy reliable dad.
Seonghwa thought they completed each other even in these aspects, thought they were soulmates, it was fate that they met. He was eternally grateful for Hongjoong. After all his efforts, he and Hongjoong were very close, Seonghwa thought, and that maybe his adoration would be reciprocated fully, without changes, without uncertain acts. He thought maybe this was love. Seeing Hongjoong sometimes be so close to him, showing open affection after his lighthearted complaints, he thought that Hongjoong cared about his thoughts, when he saw that Hongjoong fulfilled his wishes, he was beaming. So happy.
However, with time, he noticed that Hongjoong was never the same, his behavior always changing, making Seonghwa wonder what he was doing wrong, was he himself at fault? Was he acting closer than he should be? Had he misread the situation? Whatever they had between them... These days particularly he noticed how he was the same, ever loving, always keeping Hongjoong in his priorities, mentioning him as his loved person. Yet here Hongjoong was, saying he was annoying. Maybe he was right, maybe he had been too caring, pestering him.
No matter what Seonghwa did, Hongjoong would never see him enough, he would never be treated just the way he wanted, so close to Hongjoong, his constant companion who he dearly loved, would he? Seonghwa would always think, always question, and blame himself for the lack of interest from Hongjoong, hurting his self-esteem. With constant rejection and instability, his heart would shatter to pieces.
Seonghwa saw who his favorite was these days, Wooyoung.
At the same time, San inside was hurting, very similar to Seonghwa. Giving his all to Wooyoung, always being there for him. Yet here Wooyoung was, spending his time with Hongjoong. Seonghwa was late to notice but he grasped how the situation and their dynamics were changing. Both Wooyoung and Hongjoong liked to push and pull, they maybe needed someone who would be playful with them. Seonghwa thought it made sense. He also noticed how San was slowly drifting apart from Wooyoung too. His heart also ached for him, knowing how the two used to be so close to each other.
After all, Seonghwa and San were the caring ones, sensitive, gentle, willing to give all their love. Maybe they were wrong to have become so close to them in the beginning, maybe it was time they stopped bothering the other two who were quite happy with what they had going on.
So it began, Seonghwa stopped all the cute things he did to Hongjoong, wondering why he was never seen that way. ever since the beginning he was the closest to him, how could it be that the situation changed? Even though he was hurting inside, like he was leaving a piece of his heart behind, forced to live with a missing piece, he continued. He stopped all the deep conversations with Hongjoong, after having been the only one initiating them. He was slowly understanding that he was not the same in his eyes. A shooting star, with a faded light, that’s what he was in Hongjoong’s eyes now. Their time was over, it seemed.
Seonghwa never talked to Hongjoong unless he needed to. They kept sleeping in the same room, back to their first days. Becoming two strangers forced to survive within the confines of four cold walls. Seonghwa didn’t even wonder about Hongjoong’s feelings, if he cared or if he noticed. After all, if he wanted to, he would’ve kept being close to Seonghwa. Seonghwa would always accept him, no matter what he did. No matter how he was hurt.
San noticed how Hongjoong and Seonghwa were drifting apart too, just like how Wooyoung and he did. The person who brought his heart warmth, the person who he would gladly, lovingly take care of his whole life was just a friend he had the chance to get to know. He wondered what changed. He knew he was not what Wooyoung wanted anymore, not being able to keep up with what he craved. He knew deep in his heart that he was wrong in his acts, blaming himself once again. He looked at his tattoo, remembering their old days. His first and maybe only tattoo he chose to get because of how much he loved and adored Wooyoung. He wondered if it held any meaning anymore. He would never regret it however, he would always love Wooyoung, after all.
Both Seonghwa and San had been each other’s support systems, going through the same pain. Constantly questioning what they did wrong, always thinking they weren’t enough, all the while not trying to make it obvious to any of the members. According to them, they tried their best. They had been there for the other two at all times. No matter what they did, they had no chance to change their traits, who they were, their personalities. If they weren’t being wanted anymore, that wasn’t their fault. What the other two craved, they had found it.
So they reminisced their old memories, never to happen again. Bitterly smiling, maybe crying every now and then. They watched how Wooyoung and Hongjoong would play with one another, smiling, not a care in the world. They had each other after all. Sometimes Seonghwa, other times San, even maybe both would hold back tears watching from afar. They would go to each other, offering consolation for one another.
With time San had gotten close to Yeosang, he was calm, and gentle. Unlike Wooyoung. San showed his true personality, and Yeosang welcomed him. Being there for him, supporting him no matter what. Seonghwa thought maybe San would never doubt himself again. He would be happy.
Seonghwa kept it all to himself, stayed the way he was. He had learnt to cope with the pain. He wrote his thoughts down when he felt overwhelmed. He did legos just like when he was a child. Maybe solitude was good, after all. His inner child was beaming. He had been feeling healthy. He was fine on his own.
He kept taking care of the members. Even Hongjoong. Seonghwa accepted that this was how it would be, in the end. He forgot their memories, buried deep down in his heart. Locked in his brain, key thrown out, never to be unlocked again. He didn’t need the pain and seeing how whatever he did in the past was futile. At the end of the day, he would never compare to what Wooyoung was for Hongjoong, he bitterly thought.
But Seonghwa and San weren’t the only ones keeping their emotions secret. Both Wooyoung and Hongjoong noticed how their two beloved persons were apart from them. They kept their faces happy, bottling it all inside. Not letting any of the others know.
Wooyoung was so, so upset. Noticing how he took San for granted, his other half. He was now alone because no one compared to San. If only San knew. He was too late to let him know. He had to watch how his best friend and his soulmate were getting closer every day. Had to notice the utter adoration from both sides. Had to see how they would go out together. Spend their available time together. How San smiled when he was with Yeosang. He understood how this was his fault, he wouldn’t get his Sannie back. Nothing would ever be the same again. He too was left with the only option to relive the happy memories.
And Hongjoong, ever since getting to know Seonghwa, knew how sensitive he was. How he tried to open himself up, showing plenty of effort to be close to him. Now all alone, all thoughts inside himself, not telling a soul what he felt. Stoic, having lost his old beam, unusually self-contained. He wasn't even trying to get close to another person. He wondered if he could even take it, seeing another person next to him, sharing his pain, happiness, his love. Just like how Hongjoong himself used to be that person for him.
How disappointed and upset had he made his star, to the extent of Seonghwa becoming this way? Oh, how he wanted to know his thoughts, how he wanted to be let inside his heart, how he wanted his starry-eyed star, his one and only Seonghwa to come back to him, ramble all his thoughts. He cursed himself for not being fully affectionate with him even when he desperately wanted to do so, in the beginning.
His trusted old companion, captain’s right hand, even wife, the parrot on his shoulder. How Seonghwa would beam in the past hearing all these phrases. He was the closest to Hongjoong after all. The special one. Hongjoong missed seeing Seonghwa in his happiest form, he missed spending time with him, he missed Seonghwa’s naggings, telling him to come home, spend time with him and the kids, telling him to eat. He missed seeing his picture next to Seonghwa’s bed. He missed calling him his “friend”. He missed hugging him on stages.
He would always cry listening to "thank you" now. Their happy memories also gone. He was only creating sad melodies whenever he thought about his faded star. He wondered if Seonghwa was truly happy. He wondered if he would ever be able to know his feelings, whatever there was on his mind, and get close to him ever again, truly.
The truth was that he would not be able to. Seonghwa had learned his lesson. Hongjoong never ever needed him nor his unnecessary smothering affection and care, all his suffocating thoughts. Both of them were fine on their own.
Deep inside, they would always remember what they had no matter how happy or painfully sad it was.
No one compared to what Seonghwa was for Hongjoong
No one compared to what San was for Wooyoung.
No one compared to what Hongjoong was for Seonghwa.
No one compared to what Wooyoung was for San.
And now all they had left were the bits and pieces from their once favorite human beings' memories.
The feeling of warmth they once brought to each others' hearts, now having left its place to freezing cold emptiness.