Work Text:
Do you think your life a tragedy?
Well... I never thought of it that way.
So is it?
I mean... It is flooded with far more tragedy than it should have been.
But there were positives of course?
Yeah, of course. Not that I can much remember y'know...
But how can you claim it a tragedy?
What do you mean?
You need something to be able to compare it to to call it that. A light to the dark. So what makes this a tragedy?
Well. I have others to compare it too. They didn't quite struggle as I have.
Isn't it selfish to claim as such? I mean what do you know of everyone's lives.
I don't mean it like that. Just... From what I've heard.. it makes mine sound... Worse
Would you say they wouldn't call their own lives a tragedy?
Yes. No. Maybe. Possibly... I don't know...
What makes them different then?
They're able to cope with it better?
And what stops you from coping?
Stress. Life. Relationships. I never really learned how to juggle it all. Or really even take part in it if I’m honest.
So the difference is that they are better than you and managed to balance their lives properly and healthily.
Hey!
Just stating to surmise what you're claiming. Now tell me: How is it that it's not just that they're "better" at making it seem like they are coping well?
Well... Well, they seem- so happy! They laugh and go outside and enjoy it and they smile!
You smile too. You laugh too.
Yeah but it's all a lie half the time. I know that because I know I don't actually feel happy, I just smile so they don't worry.
Who's to say they aren't lying too?
I don't know. They just talk about the things they've done together and they never once ask me if I'm even okay.
Have you ever asked if they were okay?
Sometimes I think. Sometimes I get too caught up in the idea that I'm the last person they want to see. So I keep my mouth shut.
Well isn't that unfair then. Isn't that selfish? First, you lie to them by smiling when you're not happy to make sure they don't worry. Then you get upset that they don't ask. Then you don't even be there for them when they need it? Sounds like you just want to take.
I don't! I don't want to take! I just want to give them what I can't give myself is all and worrying about me isn't a good path.
Do you belittle them so much that you see them incapable of informing their own decisions on whether they should help you or even know of the burdens you bear?
No.. no I just want to look out for them.
From yourself?
Yeah.
Well, that's still quite belittling even if you refuse to believe it. What have they done that you don't think they would ever help you-
Because they weren't THERE.
What?
I've- I've done it before. I went to them for help. I said I was stressed. I asked if we could just hang out and they always just turn it down. They always just walk away with an ‘I can't help now’.
Did you ever consider that they really could not help you in that moment before shutting them out? Or even with how you asked. You could've been coming forward far too strong. Maybe you were an asshole about it and guilt tripped them.
I don't remember....
Because you only want to remember what helps your argument. Not the truth. Have you considered you were in the wrong ever?
But I think I'm in the wrong all the time! How is this any different?
Because you're using it as an excuse to hold others to a different standard than you. To hold them accountable for something you won't do yourself for them. You're being selfish and not even trying to be a better person.
But I AM trying. I'm trying so hard every day! Day in and out I try to be the best I can be.
Are you actually trying to be better or are you trying to just look better? Seems like you're just trying to make people like you. Not get better.
How do you know if I'm even thinking of it like that? That I'm just trying to look better to be liked?
Because you're not putting yourself to their standard. You're separating yourself from them. Maybe even idolizing them.
But I know they're human. It's why I keep trying to be understanding when they send me away because I don't want to be an asshole or-or throw some sort of tantrum over their choice.
Yet you're still throwing a tantrum here? In fact, it's almost desperate the way you want them to ask if you're okay or not.
I'm not trying to throw a tantrum but I feel hurt! I feel so lost and confused and no one will give me the time of day to even try to say it's okay or-or explain myself.
You're allowed to feel hurt but you shouldn't be taking that pain out on others.
I'm not! Well. I'm not trying to! I'm trying to keep that pain inside because I know they don't deserve it.
Do you think your "friends" are good people?
What?
Do you think your so-called friends are good people?
Yes. I... I don't know? I mean there's the whole a person isn't good if you say they are as that means you'll find every way to say they're not. But I feel like they're trying to at least be good people.
I think you're lying.
Why?
Because with the way you see them, you were already expecting them to be good people and now you're taking these small encounters and letting it destroy your faith in these people because to you they can only ever be "good" people.
No. No that can't be right. I keep trying to remind myself that they're -
Are you actually reminding yourself or are you doing that to hide the fact that deep down that's exactly what you believe.
I don't know! I just don't know! I want to think I'm trying to be fair! To be just or whatever you wanna call that.
Exactly. You want to think you're being fair. But you're not being honest with yourself in if you actually are being fair.
What makes it so different whether I'm trying to make it sound true because I want to be better or if I know it's true!
Simple. Because you don't actually want help.
But-
You've had time to get yourself help. You've had years and experiences and justifications and excuses upon excuses on not actually getting better.
But I'm trying -
And can you not see that your trying just isn't good enough? You have to be honest with yourself. Yes, you're trying your best. Yes, you seem to be trying to get better. But sometimes trying isn't the cut. The results are.
How am I supposed to keep trying if I feel like that effort isn't doing anything?
And isn't that such a selfish question. You shouldn't be doing this for a reward beyond you getting help to the point where you stop seeing people as your personal helpers. You should be talking to them about how you feel in the first place.
But I'm scared.
Of what?
That they'll take it wrong and I'll mess it up and they'll -
Then were they ever your friend if they would chuck you aside like that?
But they've already done that!
We went over this. Did they really brush you over with no concern or are you just seeing it that way to fit your own narrative?
What if.. what if they're bad people?
Well, how would you know that?
Because they hurt me?
And you don't even know if they actually hurt you or if you're seeing this in your own tunnel vision.
Well, it's my feelings-
Yeah, it's your feelings but your feelings are not fact. I'm not saying this to say you shouldn't feel hurt by this. I'm saying this because I want you to look at this objectively. Not at a pedestal.
But what if they really did intend to hurt me?
Then where is this proof? Have you asked them? Have you talked to them? Clearly, you haven't given you don't even know for fact.
People can lie. They can lie that they didn't do it on purpose.
And so are you. You're actively lying to them at every moment you see them. Does that make you a bad person?
I never thought of myself as a good one to start with.
That's not really your claim to make. That's another's if we're being honest, but it's proving that you're separating yourself too much from them. You're not trying to join them and get help. You want them to help you. Because you just assumed your friends are bad people to give yourself an out, a reason why they've treated you like this instead of looking to your own behavior.
It was hypothetical!
If it was so hypothetical then answer me honestly now. Do you like your friends?
....no....
Do you hate them?
....yeah... A little bit....
And yet you're staying with them. Despite no longer liking your friends and refusing to properly talk to them, you are still proving to me that you don't actually want help.
What do you mean now?
If you were looking to get better you'd start with a more supportive circle. You can't get better if you don't feel supported which you clearly don't. You should be seeking out proper relations for this. You’re letting yourself get hurt over and over. How does that sound like getting better?
But I can't.
Why can't you?
Because it's always been like this.
Like what?
People coming into my life, realizing… I don't know what and then me being kept at arm's length no matter what I try.
And why have you not taken this as a sign that there's something wrong with your behavior?
Because I'm trying to be good and okay and funny and smart and worth their time.
You don't have to be worth someone's time. That's your self-worth problems getting in the way of making a connection. You need to try harder-
YOU DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T?
Clearly, you haven't given you hate your friends who keep hurting you despite you never saying anything about it and just expecting them to suddenly be buddy buddy and make you feel better.
I don't want them to be immediately buddy buddy. I just want them to talk to me! To interact with me beyond that moment in time!
And yet you refuse to tell them this, this again just makes it sound as though you're not doing anything to help yourself so you don't run into this problem. We're going in circles.
Because I don't know what to do.
And yet you haven't even admitted to something as simple as your actions.
I can't.
Why not?
Because what if it's true. What if I was at fault.
What if it's- if it's true then you have to admit it's your fault. That is your responsibility. You admit it and then you try and be better by catching that behavior again. You be a better person.
Because if I admit it's true. Then that means everything I did was pointless. That all this work was meaningless.
Again, that's guilt-tripping and selfish. No one owes you anything, especially in terms of putting up with your behavior if it means you feel less like a bad person at the end of the day. You need to just accept this and move on. You're wallowing.
What if I can't move on?
Because this pain and suffering are all you've ever known? That's not a good enough answer. Again proving you don't want help by not even wanting to try and get help or move beyond this.
I don't mean to wallow... I'm just so tired... And it hurts. It hurts so much.
But you are. Sometimes you can't get a sugar-coated answer. You're at fault here. Own up to it.
But I can't. I can't. I can't do it.
You can you're just being selfish.
Am I a bad person?
I don't know. Is your life a tragedy?
I... I don't know.
Then how would I know? Beyond your circular pleas?
I... I-I don't know.
Of course, you don't. You never do, do you.