Work Text:
The waves suck you in then you drown
If like, you'd just stay down with me
I'll swim down with you
Is that what you want?
The battle to win Leviathan’s favor, to put it bluntly, was a failure of catastrophic proportions. While Noctis earned the Mark of Leviathan, there was something largely more important severed in the process: the relationship amongst the king’s regents. You, a scholar and sage from outside of Lucis’s borders, felt deep shame in the fact that you had not fought as hard as your friends. Hopelessness sunk its claws in the pit of your stomach, cementing the heavy loss of the Oracle’s much needed presence on Eos. While you had joined the party of four midway through their journey to get to Altissia, the men welcomed you with open arms and readily accepted the help you could bring, whether that was casting spells to weaken their strongest of foes or creating new spells and potions to boost their performances. All the pranks, silent drives, shared meals, and spooning had you feeling like you had never left home, but the anxiety of living in such a reality weighed a ton on your shoulders. Instead of emerging victorious, you came out of the fray nearly drowned and with crippling survivor’s guilt. And from the moment you saw Ignis’s brutal scarring around his eyes, you knew you did not deserve to be around the people who had more than just their lives to lose, primarily when the person whom you secretly loved since the moment you saw him lost his eyesight. It had been the biggest source of misery for you because there was absolutely nothing to do to fix it; the event sat open like an exposed nerve and everyone’s tolerance for it was practically nonexistent, especially Noct’s.
“Hey whatcha think about, well, all of this?” Prompto quietly asked, deep blue eyes watching you in earnest for your response. Without tearing your gaze away from the leather seat in front of you, you muttered a soft “I don’t know” to the blonde. “I respect that but I really do want to—“
“Hush now, Prompto. If they wish to talk about it, they will do so on their own terms,” Ignis scolded with a nod in your direction. A sharp pain struck your heart upon hearing those words. You did not deserve such kindness.
“Thank you, Ignis,” you said, tone devoid of any emotion. “Though if it helps Prompto, I…am having a difficult time processing everything that’s happened.”
“Well you better believe it cause sitting around thinking about what could’ve been is the biggest waste of time we don’t have,” Gladiolus harshly interjected.
“Ok why don’t you think about deez nuts then,” you countered. Prompto attempted to mask his laughing by coughing and even Ignis couldn’t deny the smile that graced his lips.
“Why don’t you shut the fuck up,” Gladio quickly replied. “My Gods, am I the only one who understands how serious this is?”
Before you knew it, Noctis and Gladio were engaged in a shouting match against each other to which Ignis put an end to with a hopeful statement: that his vision would come eventually. After Noct and Gladio stormed off to blow off some steam, all you and Prompto could do is sit in silence and keep Iggy company. You shifted to sit in front of Prompto and held his hand, a small gesture of comfort for Gladio rudely shoving him off. The three of you remained in silence until the train came to a stop. If things were difficult now, the proverbial shit would hit the fan so hard later; you seriously couldn’t handle it with the tense atmosphere, all thanks to Gladio no less.
It was awkward enough as it was with Gladio making a point to Noctis that Iggy was handicapped and therefore had to move at a slower pace than normal. You could tell by the way Ignis bristled at the comment that he didn’t like being reminded about his disability. You knew this was eating at him on the inside, though Ignis would much rather drink the smelly quarry water than admit such a thing.
You were surprised at how well he was able to adapt in an echoey atmosphere such as the abandoned quarry, especially when you all were wading through the murky water constantly. You hung back and kept an eye out for Iggy any time he strayed away from the group but it became a thousand times harder when beasts emerged from afar to engage in combat. Watching Ignis swing wildly with no precision made you want to cry, and the moment you saw him lose his balance and fall into the water trying to hit anything, you quickly abandoned your fighting to help him up.
The group departed yet again, walking in a full circle around the quarry. Upon the discovery of a safe haven down in the depths, you desperately wanted to settle down for the evening. You were flat out exhausted and judging by the amount of times Ignis fell trying to keep up with everyone, you knew he was too but refused to bring it up. Nighttime was quickly approaching, meaning more daemons coming out from every corner; while it was nice to use these weaker daemons as your outlet for everything that has happened, you couldn’t bear seeing Ignis become slower and slower and slower in his movement any longer.
“Can we please set camp, I’m exhausted,” you said, yawning to add emphasis to your statement.
“I second this,” Prompto agreed.
Noctis turned around to answer before Gladio interrupted him.
“We haven’t progressed much and it’s barely the evening.”
“I was asking Noctis, not you,” you argued, crossing your arms. “I say we should camp and continue first thing tomorrow. We all benefit from a full night’s rest and sunlight.” Everyone looked to said prince for a final answer.
“I was gonna say yes regardless sooo let’s get going,” the prince said rather smugly, and just like that, everyone made their way to the comforting site of the haven. Gladio set up the tent per usual, something you still thanked him out loud for. Whether or not he cared enough to pay attention to it, you wouldn’t know. Gladio sat away from the rest of the group with his back facing everyone. If there was anyone who could out-emo Noct, it would be Gladiolus apparently. Prompto busied himself showing the pictures he took to Noctis despite the prince saying he didn’t want to. In a way you understood why he said that. It was an act of self-punishment; you don’t deserve good things, not even the smallest ones such as the pleasure of sitting next to your best friend.
You watched the blue campfire with the intensity that rivals Noctis’s morning glare. The flames danced and flickered, sparked and spat little flames that you drank in. Wishing it could reduce you and all the problems that reared their ugly heads since Altissia to ash.
“(y/n), a moment of your time?” Ignis quietly asked, breaking you out of your trance. Your heart pounded; did he want to talk about you calling him out? That’s not possible, you didn’t even say his name when you suggested to camp. Bile rose in your throat which you noisily swallowed to push it back down.
“Yeah, ‘course.”
He led you to the edge of the haven for a semblance of privacy. Once you sat next to him, neither of you said anything for a while. Even though Ignis couldn’t see you, you avoided looking at his face in fear that you would not be able to look away. His side profile, the way his glassed sat elegantly above his nose, the high cheekbones that gave him a severe appareance even when he smiled, it was all perfection but you were sure that your cowardice ruined it, ruined him.
“Ignis, there’s something I gotta get off my chest first cause it’s killing me that you’re being so kind to me when I don’t deserve it,” you gravely began, voice quivering with raw emotion that you couldn’t control. “It’s my fault that you’re blind. It’s all my fault and I’m so so so sorry!” Sobs erupted from you lips, swollen from biting them as not to get too loud with your crying.
“ Six , I find that very hard to believe, (y/n),” Ignis sternly answered. “You did what you could. If I remember correctly, the ring blinded me, not you.”
“But it’s true! If I had done my part, then you wouldn’t have resorted to using it!” you wailed. You paused to take a shuddering breath in and Ignis, ever infuriatingly considerate, wiped away the tears with his thumbs. It made your heart beat a million miles a minute when he didn’t bother taking them off your face. “Ardyn got to me before you. I didn’t put up a fight, Ignis. I ran away like the coward I am. Had I known the outcome I would’ve let him kill me so you had the chance to take Noctis and run. But I didn’t because I’m a coward, a sham, and still alive. I shouldn’t be here!”
“(Y/n), that is enough! I will not have it any longer!” Ignis harshly said. He pulled you in his embrace, warm from sitting near the campfire for so long. His heartbeat, steady and strong in your ear, was calming to you. You couldn’t control the tremors in your hands but you had enough clarity to slide your hands under his suit jacket, desperately needing to be near him. “You needn’t be so harsh on yourself! I would much prefer it, in any scenario, that you would stay alive. You’ve done so much for us for someone who is not in any way obligated to help the crown, and yet, I am extremely grateful that we have someone as kind and smart as you. If you hadn’t thought of your safety then, we would be missing an integral part of our group.” You pulled him closer. His words were so genuine, so why did they hurt so much?
“Ignis, your words mean the world to me,” you whispered into the lapel of his jacket. “But as much as I deeply appreciate the praise, I’m afraid this isn’t something that can be mended by one conversation. I do want you to know that I’d do anything for you—and, um, the others included.” You tried to regain your breath while Ignis rearranged the two of you, now with your head resting on his shoulder. Silence settled comfortably like a weighted blanket which left you alone with your thoughts, the occasional hiccup interrupting. Clearly, Ignis was using his physical presence to ground you from the thoughts bouncing around in your mind. He didn’t shove you off in disgust at your confession, he actually praised you, and now he’s sitting in comfortable silence with you? If a man as morally just as Ignis didn’t find a single fault in the amalgamation of anxiety and stress that constituted you, then maybe you meant more than you could possibly imagine not only to him, but to everyone else as well.
Your heart was filled to the brim with so much love for Ignis, all of it threatening to spill; you were afraid of what you would do once you couldn’t bear it, and when you opened your mouth and gently called his name, you were freaking out.
“Yes, (y/n?)” he softly coaxed. Peeling off of him, your thoughts raced. I love you, Ignis! You gripped his shoulder. I want to be with you, Ignis! He leaned in a little. I’ll be your guiding star if you’ll have me, Ignis! Ignis, I love you so m—
“Can I use your cooking stuff?” you awkwardly blurted, face burning in equal parts shame and relief. You swore you heard booing from behind you but you were too busy thinking about car crashes to care because that’s what this was. An 18-car crash pile up. And Ignis, sweet Ignis, tried to convey a neutral expression but he failed to mask his confusion and what appeared to be embarrassment. Oh Ramuh, please strike you now. “I-I think cooking something would really prove…that I can do something around here…and that, um, the food doesn’t go to waste. I swear I can cook. Actually, my mom packed me some spices—“
“I trust your judgment,” Ignis interrupted. Thank the Six he did, you don’t know when you would’ve had the mind to stop rambling. “Is that all you wanted of me?”
“Yes, I’ll get straight to cooking and if I have any questions I’ll ask you!” you babbled, hastily getting up and leaving Ignis high and dry. You walked briskly to the campfire with your head hanging down in mortification, and it didn’t help that Prompto and Noctis were snickering at your expense. “Keep laughing and l’ll make your food extra spicy tonight.” That effectively shut them up.
Dinner that night consisted of spicy garula beef with seasoned rice and freshly squeezed fruit juice from a fruit you stole from the Malmalam Thicket. In fact, Noctis had confronted you about what you had in your bag because he had seen you suspiciously shove it as if was an illegal drug. When you had bashfully revealed what it was, he had the gall to laugh in your face about it yet the sparkle in his eyes deterred whatever quip you had on your tongue.
“I grew up eating food like this so I really hope you guys enjoy it,” you nervously said, hands trembling when you handed each man their plate. “I tried my best.”
“By the Six, (y/n) this is amazing!” Prompto exclaimed with a mouth full of food.
“I’ve never had cuisine outside of our continent,” Noctis cautioned, bringing a fork to his lips. His eyes widened. “Ok wow, I wasn’t expecting that much flavor!”
“This is simply magnificent. You’ll have to teach me your methods one day,” Ignis marvelled.
“You did good, kid,” Gladio said. A subtle smile played on his lips which you returned with the goofiest smile known to man. With Gladio joining the rest of the group, things felt a little more normal.
Everyone’s compliments set your heart ablaze with profound determination. If it hadn’t been for Ignis’s comforting words, you were sure that you would all be eating cup noodles tonight, not that Gladio would be opposed. Quiet banter was exchanged amongst everyone, and it appeared that what happened in Altissia was forgotten for the night. Ignis kept you occupied for the entire meal asking you about what sort of spices you used in your cooking. He felt bad for never taking the time to ask you about your home life as he thought talking about it might instigate some negative feelings on it but with the way your tone brightened with each question, the royal advisor simply could not help but to indulge you.
Prompto and Noctis were fighting a food coma until they couldn’t, thus leading them to the tent to sleep earlier than the rest of you. After washing all of the dirty dishes and changing into your pjs, you lay on your back teetering on the edge between sleep and consciousness. Turning to your side, you took Ignis’s arm and held onto it like it was a plush toy. Smushing your cheek onto his bicep, you quickly knocked out with a small smile on your face at the thoughts of everyone being happy.
You would be there for Ignis til the day you die. You will pick up the pieces for him until he no longer needs you. For right now, inside the tent with the covers bunched up at your feet and Ignis’s arm draped over your waist, you couldn’t be happier to be the one to fix everything. The last thing on your mind was: would Ignis want you to?
The answer was sealed by a gentle kiss to your forehead, and just like that, sleep overcame you.