Chapter Text
Chapter 1 - RUN
Calliope.
I wake up with a start.
Fuck. Fuck. fuck.
I abhor these dreams. They're riddled with creepy experiences, distorted reminders of everything I want to forget, or get over. My heart is pounding and I'm bathed in sweat. But the worst part of these nightmares is the "after," when I have to control the overwhelming anxiety that comes over me when I wake up.
My nightmares have started to become more frequent lately and also more vivid.
I run my hands over my face and look at the time. It's 4:33 and the street light is filtering slightly through the curtains.
Go for a run, Calliope.
It's been two months and I still haven't received a text message or email from Juliette. She hasn't even made herself present in my dreams. I can feel that we still have the bond, but she's not present, all I've had of her are vivid dreams of moments I don't want to remember.
My anxiety grows with the rhythm of my strides on the asphalt.
Forget it, Calliope.
I know I'll see her soon at school, I hear rumors in the halls, the girl is coming back from her trip. I never left. I try not to think about the weird family dynamic we have since my brother was turned into a vampire. My mother wanting to be close, my father and my other brother finding a way to take down the legatees. To this day I still can't decide which side to be on.
Give it up, Calliope.
But I can't leave him.
I just need to know she' s okay.
I curse the feeling. I shouldn't be feeling this.
With Sia's "Unstoppable" blaring in my ears, I keep running at an energetic pace down the avenue and turn right. It's 5:42 a.m. and I've run downhill...toward his house. I feel attracted like a magnet, I don't know what I'm looking for with this, I know he's not here, but the feeling he generates in me is better than the one I had a few moments ago.
I am halfway between a control freak ex-girlfriend and a stalker.
I justify myself on the grounds that this is a free country and keep running home.
I just had breakfast and the feeling of anxiety doesn't go away. I should be used to it by now, this is what the last two months have felt like. To get all this stuff out of my head, I work for a couple of hours on the literature essay due this morning.
I go to school, train, meet my family for dinner and a little research on legatees. Sleep.
----------
A chilling wail awakens me. I'm drenched in sweat and my heart is pounding. I jump up in bed.
fuck.
That dreadful moan was coming from me.
I take a deep breath to calm myself, trying to shake off the sensation.
"I'll spend the rest of my days trying to figure out how to kill you."
My words echo in my head.
Fuck.
The promise that honors my family and tears at my heart. The anger towards Juliette is present, I can feel it inside me. I can't understand her motives, I can't live with the consequences.
I glance at my alarm clock; it's 2:30 in the morning.
I go to the kitchen and, after drinking a large glass of water, I lie down on the couch.
I wake up startled again and this time the morning light filters into the room.
The first glimmers of morning flood the room. I was dreaming of Juliette: she was kissing me, I could feel her panting breath in my mouth, my fingers were sinking into her hair; and I was pressing her body against me, her hands tied above my head.
Where is she?
For a satisfying instant I forget everything that happened yesterday... until I relive it again.
She' s gone.
She has transformed my brother into a monster.
My family is divided.
Fuck.
The proof of my desire feels wet in my underwear, but the memory of his joyful eyes, clouded with pain and humiliation when he left, makes the desire disappear.
I feel like shit. I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling with my arms crossed behind my head. I have the whole damn day ahead of me and, the only desire I have right now is to stay on this couch and wallow in my pain and anger for hours. I look again at what time it is: 5:20.
Shit, I might as well go for a run for a while.
"Stranger" by Skyler Cocco blares loudly in my ears as my feet pound the sidewalk amidst the silence that reigns on the streets first thing in the morning. I ache all over: my lungs burn, my head is on the verge of exploding and a deep, dull sense of emptiness devours my insides. No matter how hard I run to get away from this pain, I can't. I stop to change music. I stop to change music and fill my lungs with air.
Where are you?
I start running again.
----------
I arrive at school like every morning after the "event" everything seems normal. Same school, same teachers, same people. Suddenly I find myself near the main hallway and, although it's crazy, I get my hopes up to see her. As I approach the hallway, my pulse quickens even more and my anxiety is heightened. I'm not desperate to see her...it's my basic instinct to know she's okay. No, I'm not. I need to see her. When I get to the lobby, I walk restlessly past people.
Everything is normal. Like I said, same people. I see all kinds of people, some with books, some kissing, some playing, but there doesn't seem to be a sign of Juliette. I cross the hall, stop for a moment near the corridor leading to the classrooms and stand in the shelter. Nothing. Perhaps her return is delayed, of course. A distressing scene unfolds in my mind: did she really have fun, did she decide to stay, start over, did she meet someone?
No.
I feel the bile in my mouth. The idea of someone else's hands on her body, of anyone enjoying her warm smile while getting her to thrill, to laugh ... moan, gasp ... reaches its limit. I have to resort to all my self-control to cancel those thoughts.
Forget her. She's not for you.
My jealousy is raw and furious; it fills the emptiness that opens up at my feet. I hate this. Damn pain.
----------
The sun goes down. I get up and go get some pistachio ice cream. I've been downstairs all day working with my brother and father on their research. They still haven't discovered anything, and they don't even seem to be close, that even if I don't want to reassure me. Somehow I can still take care of Juliette. I find the idea appealing and painful in equal parts.
I walk to my bedroom, when I walk in the door the first thing I see is my window, taunting me, reminding me of better times. I imagine her coming through the window, wearing one of her silly sweatshirts, all long hair and blue eyes, smiling flirtatiously to seduce me.
Another novelty.
I miss her.
That's it... I've admitted it. I look at my cell phone in the vain hope that she has contacted me, I have no idea why.
Nothing.
----------
-Hey, easy Cal, what's wrong with you? -Apollo lifts his butt off the ground, where I've landed him after several blows. -You're unstoppable today.
He stands up quickly and gets into position, groping his prey. We are training alone in the house.
-I'm angry," I mumble.
He keeps his countenance impassive as we move in a circle.
-It's not good to train angry, especially if you have your head somewhere else.
-Well, hitting you feels like it's helping me," I laugh a little.
-More to the left. Protect the right. Shoulder higher Cal.
He attacks me with a cross punch, hits me in the shoulder and I'm about to lose my balance and fall.
-Concentrate, Cal. Don't bring your backstabbing vampire girl problems here.
Apollo glares at me, taunting me. And it works: I give him a half-hearted kick and a full body weight punch, and another one, he staggers back.
-Stop talking shit Apollo.
-I don't know what the fuck is going on with you Cal, but it works. Stay with it.
Finish the training.
----------
The morning has been normal, and my family has been watching me, waiting for me to explode at the slightest opportunity. Yes, I admit, that has been my attitude the last few months... but today I feel clearer, I didn't have nightmares. I think things are getting better. I feel clearer, calmer and more present, able to go to school with a better attitude.
I arrive at school and park in a fourth row, I like to leave the car at that distance, spaces are always available and then walk a bit to clear my mind before entering a class.
My watch reads 7:50. I'm on time for my first class. I'm near the entrance and something makes me turn back and to the right.
Fuck.
Juliette.
The shock knocks the wind out of me, as if I've been kicked in the solar plexus. She parks her car, although it doesn't look like her car, it's not the same. She gets out of a black Jeep, puts her backpack on her shoulder and starts walking towards the entrance. She fixes her hair, which is completely tousled, and takes off a pair of black Rayban glasses. It's Juliette I'm looking at, but it's like she's not. Underneath a black button-down shirt she's wearing open, she's got on a black crew-neck T-shirt and black skinny jeans and of course black converse double-top. Wow, too much black. I thought that wasn't her color. But it's neither the clothes nor the hair that catches my eye. She has a look of annoyance on her face, almost like she doesn't care about anything. She looks great and is more contoured and firm.
I don't think she's training.
She's feeding.
The thought and the anger mortifies me.
God.
My concern for her turns to rage.
No. Fury.
Juliette keeps walking toward the entrance and glances sideways at a guy next to her and he gives her a wide grin. He's a handsome son of a bitch, cocky. Stupid. That exchange of complicit glances increases my fury. He looks at her with macho impudence as she walks towards the door, and my anger increases with every step she takes.
I try with all my might to contain my temper. I don't care about her anymore.
I keep walking towards the entrance, I look at my watch it's 7:55, I'm still on time for my class.