Archive of Our Own

He shouldn't be here.

He wanted to, he should've run a long time ago.

It’s not the first time he stands in front of this door, not the first time he brings a hand to press the doorbell, hesitates and pulls it back, repeats.

It's dark and no one has seen him yet, he could still leave.

He looks down at his shoes and kicks the ground a little, a hand in his pocket squeezing a small memory stick he bought with him.

That's right, he did come all the way here after all? It's not like he would stay for any longer than necessary anyway. He just needs the song, that’s all.

While he keeps on kicking the ground a chilly wind brushes on his skin and sends shivers through his body. It's not warm, not exactly, especially considering his choice of clothing. If it wasn't so late just a thin hoodie over his loose tank top wouldn't be that much of a bad idea. However, he knows how warm it is on the other side of the door and it's starting to feel like a nice idea.

Shaking his head he lifts up his hand again and, finally, presses a finger on the doorbell.

No reaction. Maybe no one heard? He rings the doorbell again, waits, but it's still as quiet. Maybe the timing is bad - the quiet apartment feels pretty much lifeless as there doesn't seem to be even any lights on.

He should leave. At this point he looks just desperate, which he definitely isn't, since he could come get the song any other day too. Trying to be as quiet as possible about it, he takes a step back, turns around to take his leave.

There's a click of the door, someone pressing down the handle.

Shit.

What should he do? If he tries to get away now there's a chance the sight of him running off could still be seen which would be much worse than just waiting at the door.

He seriously didn't think about this enough - if it’s either of the two he has to tell he has business with their teammate, and if it’s the third one he has to talk to him more and he’s not sure what to say. Besides, in the unnecessarily big apartment he still has to walk through the entrance and living room so there’s a high chance of running into all three. He thinks about who would be the least horrific to face now.

Please let it not be 48.

"Yes?" A familiar, a bit hesitant voice calls from the doorway, making him freeze.

"K-Kanata?!"

Turning slowly around he averts looking up, fixing the position of his cap to hide behind it.

Kanata isn't sure why he is so surprised to see the redhead. It's an unavoidable thing, unfortunately, and he was prepared. Maybe he just panicked too much, there's no reason why his heart would beat like this otherwise.

"I figured it can't be one of Anne's deliveries at this hour but I- H-Huh? To think that Kanata…"

Annoying. Kanata peeks under his cap and squints his eyes at the taller one. Allen's reaction is ridiculously over the top and despite the surprised expression he looks way too happy. Kanata clicks his tongue and looks away.

"Or, perhaps-! Did something happen?" His delighted face turns into a worried one and he steps away from the doorway to examine Kanata better.

"Ugh, shut up already. Like it'd be any of your business anyway," Kanata grunts and quickly stomps past Allen to avoid his stare. "I didn't come to hang out with you. I just need the thing we talked about earlier."

Allen just blinks at him, either trying to recall what they talked about or still dumbfounded about Kanata suddenly appearing at his door late at night. He isn't sure which would annoy him more. Maybe it's just his face overall.

"The song," Kanata sighs from the doorway, already taking a step inside.

“O-Oh..! Yeah, sure!” Allen’s face lights up when he finally catches what’s going on.

Kanata can’t help rolling his eyes at his stupidity and proceeds to take off his shoes. He places them on the floor, next to all the other shoes left in a neat line. Well, except for one pair of red sneakers, and another with white and red on them. He feels a bit frustrated about how small his own look compared to the rest.

"Wait here just a litte," Allen's voice comes closer when he follows Kanata. "Ah, that's," he continues when he sees Kanata has already taken his shoes off and moved further inside. "You can come inside too, of course!"

Kanata feels his face warming up. He didn't really think anything about it but now it feels embarrassing. Why did he just assume he would have to go inside when he could've just given his memory stick to Allen and waited outside?

"Whatever, as long as it won't take long," he mumbles and clicks his tongue again. He's not looking but he can feel Allen's smile on him and it makes him feel sick.

It's quiet. The big apartment still feels as lifeless as before when they walk through the living room. Maybe the others aren't here after all? Kanata doesn't bother asking because it's not like he's interested or that it would matter to begin with.

"Sorry, I haven't had time to clean up. I'd have done something if I knew you're coming so it's kinda messy."

"Yeah, I have eyes."

Kanata hates Allen's room. It's always messy, untidy even. The room itself is around the same size as he's used to having for a whole apartment, yet it's incredible how little space there is. Not having time is such a dumb excuse - why does he let it get into this condition in the first place.

He stands behind him and glares at the screen of Allen's PC as he sits on his chair and starts going through his folders. He didn't expect any less but even his desktop, folders and file naming sense is just as unorganized as his room. It's kind of painful to watch, how does he even find anything there. Well, he knows already, since everything they share always gets some keysmash or other obscure title when it comes through Allen.

"It’s coming along so well already, isn't it!" Allen's sudden cheerful voice takes him aback a little.

"The flow is a lot better now! It's not that different from how I would've done it but I didn't think of changing it the way you did, after all I can't help admiring-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I just need it for reference so be quick." To Kanata's horror his cheeks feel a bit warm and he hopes Allen can't see his face behind his cap if he looks down.

“Here.”

Allen unplugs Kanata’s memory stick and hands it back to him. His fingers lightly brush against Allen’s when he reaches to take it and Kanata can only hope he didn’t notice how he flinched. He was thinking about other stuff and it was just a bit unexpected, that’s all.

Kanata looks at the stick in his hand, turns it over between his fingers and stares at it as if checking Allen didn’t break it or something. However, it’s not because of that, not really, and he shoves it back to the pocket of his pants.

It took less time than he expected. He could leave now. This is the only reason why he came here, he should leave, go home. Nayuta is probably already waiting.

“That one part,” he hears himself saying before he can stop it from happening.

“Lemme hear it quickly.”

Allen turns to look at him again and tilts his head. “Is it about the last verse? I was still kinda thinking about it, too…”

Why does he bother to do this. It’s meaningless, this song. It has no title, no purpose, it’s not to be published or even finished. It was just a random combination of random ideas born at one night, it was meaningless from the very start and just a waste of time.

He sighs and gets closer on Allen’s right side, and since he has nowhere to sit he leans one hand on the table.

“Give me earphones.”

Allen quickly looks away from Kanata, glances at the both sides of his table until realizing his headphones are around his own neck.

“Really, don’t you have anything else? I almost expected them to have wires.”

“Mmh, I like the sound more. They cover up outside noises better, too.”

“Ugh.. I guess I use ones like these at home too but ‘s so troublesome.”

It's not, not really. But every extra second means another extra second breathing the same air with this guy.

Kanata sighs and takes off his cap, placing it on the side but not letting it out of his sight. His hair feels messy and he wishes he had something to tie it with. Tilting his head he parts his hair on the other side like he usually does and tries to keep the shortest strands of hair behind his ear when he reaches up on his phantometal.

He hesitates, running his fingers on the snake-shaped earring on his left ear. Even if it's just for a moment, is it worth taking it off? He's probably not the one to say it but still, he's in the presence of someone else and it feels weird, unsafe even without his metal. He would like to avoid taking it off as much as possible. On the other hand, it's just this idiot...

With a grunt he clicks the earring open and slowly slides it off his ear. He doesn't think anything about it normally but everytime he doesn't have it around his ear he realizes how much it weighs and covers. Allen's nosy eyes rudely glaring at his ear makes him feel even more defenseless and he squeezes the metal tighter in his hand, making the sharp edges sink into his skin.

He almost expects Allen to ask something stupid about it but instead he just keeps on staring with a bit widened eyes, as if trying to find out about Kanata's weaknesses without his metal.

Kanata huffs in annoyance and leans his hand back on the table, eyes now on the screen. He grabs Allen’s mouse and hovers the cursor on the file he supposes is the one.

"Is it this?"

Allen doesn't seem to realize he's being talked to until Kanata turns to him and raises an eyebrow. So troublesome, honestly, can't he concentrate for one second on what he's saying?

"O-Oh, yeah," Allen finally turns to squint his eyes at the screen. "No, wait, it's-"

His words are cut off when he automatically reaches for the mouse Kanata already has his hand around. Both jump a little when Allen's fingers touch the back of Kanata's hand. But it's just another unexpected touch, anyone would flinch at that.

"Sorry," Allen says and quickly pulls his hand to himself. "It's the one under that."

Kanata purses his lips and tries to ignore how his heart skipped a beat. He holds out his hand for Allen to give him the headphones, which again takes him time to comprehend what his gesture means.

Some part of his hair has fallen on his face after he took off the earring. It's a bit annoying sometimes how messy his hair gets or how it's on the way but he doesn't have any plans on cutting it shorter since it's more Nayuta's thing. Sighing, he tugs the strands behind his ears again and sets the headphones in their place.

Kanata moves the cursor down, rolls his eyes as he clicks open the file titled 'finalFINAL13', and finally concentrates on just listening.

It's not bad. It's good even, if he had to be honest. But he isn't here just to praise the song. There's something off about this particular part.

He listens to it again, then again. He has his eyes on the screen but still sees how Allen impatiently keeps taking glances at him. God, he's like a little kid and it takes on Kanata's nerves so bad he can't focus.

He breathes in slowly and closes his eyes. That's better.

Got it.

"On the last verse-"

He barely manages to open his mouth because when he suddenly turns towards Allen without a warning, he realizes how close he actually is. Did he accidentally move closer when he had his eyes closed? Doesn't matter since Allen is still staring in a way which makes Kanata feel uneasy, kind of ashamed even.

"What's your problem," he spits at him, takes the headphones off, letting them rest against the choker around his neck and moves back to stare at the screen. Gripping his metal in his hand harder he tries to focus on the sharp shape of it against his palm.

Finally, Allen quickly turns to look away, down at his hands and mumbles an apology. About not considering how troublesome it's for Kanata to use headphones of this style or staring rudely, he's not sure, but it doesn’t go unnoticed how there's a light tint of red on Allen's cheeks.

"It's just, that…" He continues his mumbling and brings a hand up to rub his neck like he always does when he's nervous. "Yeah, t-that… I just thought it's unusual. To see you without phantometal."

Kanata huffs. After all, it's about that.

He reaches for the headphones to slide them off his neck and shoves them against Allen's chest in such a rashly manner that if he wasn't sitting they would have dropped on the floor instead of his lap.

"Like I said, on the last verse," Kanata continues like he didn't even hear the other talking. "The effect used on the eight bar. It's repeated too many times."

He straightens his back, fixes his hoodie that had fallen off his shoulders and tosses his hair on the other side again, reaches up to finally put his earring back on where it belongs.

"You might wanna keep it to only the last bar and not double it, it takes impact from the hook and that's why it kinda messes up the whole vibe. Since the verse is shorter than the earlier one it feels a bit cluttered.”

It immediately feels better, more comfortable having the cold metal pressing against his ear. He runs his fingers on it without much of a thought, just feeling the familiar sensation of it on his skin.

Allen looks at him dumbfoundead until realizing he's being talked to again. Kanata can't help frowning a bit - usually this guy's eyes light up in passion about anything music related. Kanata knows his opinion about the song is right, yet it feels almost like Allen is doubting him.

"Oh, yeah," he looks down, fumbles with the headphones and almost drops them before he manages to wear them over his head. "Lemme just…"

Kanata groans and backs away a little to give more space for Allen to use his computer. It takes him a few clicks back and forth until it seems like he's immersed in the song the way he usually is. It hasn't quite reached that point yet but the concentrated expression, the determined look in his eyes is starting to resemble the state when he's so focused on the track that it would be pointless to try to talk to him.

It feels a bit weird how he has already gotten used to seeing Allen like this. Not just during live shows, in his stage outfits and loud voice drilling into everyone's ears, the way he's sparkling and the center of everyone's attention.

If Kanata had to choose which version of Allen he hates less maybe it's this. Just in a quiet room, wearing a simple hoodie and sweatpants, focused on track making. The sight of him that isn't for most people's eyes.

His messy, red hair sticks out under the headphones in a funny way that makes Kanata grin a little. It looks stupid, he looks stupid. It makes Kanata wonder how many people know or have noticed this kind of stupid detail about him.

"You're right, it's probably better without it. Something about it always bothered me but I wouldn't have thought of that, I'm amazed you noticed such a little thing!"

Allen turns to look at him so quickly and excitedly that if Kanata didn't have one hand on the back of the chair it wouldn't be a surprise if he had stumbled on his own legs when trying to back away.

"That's just common sense," Kanata mumbles in annoyance and tries to look away, which is surprisingly difficult when Allen is watching him from an angle he isn't used to.

"Not really. Your way of paying attention to details and observing integrity is amazing. It's one of the things you have that I don't…"

His face heats up, from anger he supposes - it's not his fault if Allen sucks? What a weird way to mock him, really.

"You'll never get on my level," Kanata huffs. It would be more convincing if he was able to look at Allen properly.

"You might be on a different level. But I'm not gonna lose either."

His smirk aimed at Kanata doesn't help one bit in making his face less warm. He doesn't hesitate to show his annoyance by lightly pushing Allen on the back of his head. He doesn't complain, just brings his hand on his head and chuckles a little which annoys Kanata even more. But, well, as long as he stops looking at him.

"If you don't mind waiting for just a moment I can do some retouches right away," he says, still smiling cheerfully for no reason.

Kanata rolls his eyes and crosses his arms on his chest. At least that way he would get it faster and he wouldn't have to come here again. This is all he needed anyway.

"If you're quick," he orders. "It's not like we have to finish it anyway."

"Eh?"

"I just need it as it is now. For reference, like I said. I don't see a reason to finish it, really."

Allen's smile vanishes and is replaced with an upset, disappointed expression.

"That's-! It's so good, wouldn't it be sad to waste such an amazing song!"

"Huh? I never promised to work on it in the first place. It was just a random idea, wasn't it. We already finished a whole song once, I don’t have any more time to spare for nonsense."

Allen glances at the screen, then back at Kanata. He repeats it a few times, trying to come up with something to say while looking like a child who's favorite toy was just taken away.

"But I thought we'd at least add vocals… I… already came up with some lyrics, too."

Kanata groans. It's difficult to talk back when he's like this. It would be easier if he got angry instead of disappointed and so miserable. He looks patchetic when he fumbles his hands and gazes down at them.

"Do it yourself if you like it so much."

"You mean you don't like it, Kanata?"

So troublesome. He doesn't hate it. It's good, admittedly, but that's not the point. He would be lying if he claimed it wouldn't be interesting to know how it would turn out but he can't spare time for unnecessary stuff. He has his own songs, too, this was just a side product that possibly can give ideas for stuff. Of course, it would be even better if it wasn't an unfinished version, however…

"Ugh, whatever! I'm not gonna make time for this, you know?" Kanata groans again and ruffles his hair in frustration.

"Only if I ever feel like it and happen to have free time. Then I might consider it. That's all."

Allen's face lights up and his eyes sparkle. It's so annoying that Kanata has to look away and click his tongue.

"Do you mean it!"

"'s not a promise. Don't expect anything."

"No, I'm glad if you'll even consider it. Thank you, Kanata! After all, you're not a guy who leaves things unfinished, right!"

He talks with an obvious grin on his face, even though Kanata isn't looking he knows it's there. He really is too persistent and doesn't know when or even how to stop.

"You really are an idiot, aren't you," Kanata pouts a little and puts his hands in his pockets. "Just get to the thing you were supposed to do already."

"Haha, right. I will," Allen smirks again, gives him thumbs up and turns around on his chair, looking way too content.

It becomes quiet. The redhead is usually loud, too talkative in fact, but this silence isn't exactly unfamiliar either - Kanata has learnt that whenever he's concentrated in music he doesn't pay attention to anything else. At first Kanata was surprised about just how serious he actually is but at this point it feels like a normal thing.

He looks around Allen's room. It really is messy. His music equipment takes the most space and Kanata keeps having to look at his feet to not step or trip on any cords, especially when the stuff changes places every time. It's frustrating but he has to admit he's a bit envious about some things Allen owns and he doesn't yet.

Music sheets, lyrics written clearly on whatever piece of paper that happened to be at hand, and what seems most likely to be his undone homework and other school stuff are scattered on the table, on the floor, even on his bed. His backpack rests open on the floor and clothes that Kanata supposes he wore earlier that day are left on the back of the chair Allen is currently using. Even though the wardrobe is literally just there, the closet doors left open, of course.

Kanata wrinkles his nose. Untidy places do bring up bad memories, yet it's not exactly the messiness that bothers him but the fact that he could so easily do something about it.

The weirdest thing is that despite Allen's own room looking like shit Kanata can hardly recall any time he would have been like this when he's at the twins' apartment. He doesn't like it when he brings half of his property along with him but somehow he always manages to not scatter it all around like here.

Kanata pouts and turns around to examine better the only thing that seems to be somewhat organized - a shelf where he keeps his records, CDs and DVDs, a few books and some magazines, and what seems to be merchandise of his own team as well as Buraikan's. Kanata snorts when he notices for the first time that some of it isn't even taken out of the plastic package. How embarrassing is that.

Allen is still working in silence, just quiet clicks of a mouse and taps on a keyboard are heard as he keeps on doing whatever might take that long. Kanata sighs and takes a random hip hop centered magazine from the shelf.

Is this…

Kanata barely has memory of it but if he isn't mistaken he and Nayuta gave an interview for this issue.

He opens the magazine and browses through the pages until his eyes stop at a picture of him and Nayuta.

He's pretty sure he never read the interview but even if he did it wouldn't be a surprise if he didn't remember anything since they've given a lot of interviews, especially about the battle with Buraikan, and most of all this one's already old.

Not finding a better place to sit at Kanata takes a seat on Allen's bed, only to notice he already forgot the idiot likes to keep his stuff on it. He grabs the paper sheets left on it and slams them on the nightstand, loud enough that if Allen wasn't concentrating on the track he would've probably turned around in surprise. Kanata squints his eyes at him, showing an unimpressed face as he continues working.

Kanata pulls his legs on the bed to sit on it properly and opens the magazine again.

The interview is from the very beginning of Paradox Live, when people didn't know cozmez well yet. They were asked about their thoughts on the stage battle and their impressions of their first opponent.

Instead of reading the text yet his eyes land to examine the picture of him and Nayuta better. There's nothing special about it. Maybe that's exactly why by now, even from a picture, he can tell something feels off. Maybe it's the emptiness in Nayuta's eyes.

Sudden nausea makes him feel dizzy. He shakes his head, tries to get rid of those thoughts and focus on his interview instead.

He was too naive back then, too arrogant, too confident, taking his victory for granted. He would be lying if he claimed the battle results still didn't make him feel frustrated.

If he tried more, worked more, made better songs, was better on the stage… Would he have won?

It's ironic, really. Being here after all that. With the one whose life is completely opposite to his, the type of a person he despises, the one who defeated him.

He was on Kanata's way, irritating, stupid, childish, doesn't deserve to hold a phantometal. That's what Kanata thought when he stole Allen's metal.

He wouldn't care if after that Allen started being wary of him, avoiding him, hating him. In fact it would be so much easier. Yet, quite the opposite happened and even to this day Kanata doesn't know why.

Why does he let him be here? Why does he always come up with stupid praises? Why is he interested in Kanata's life, why does he bother to care when there's nothing Kanata can even give him back?

It doesn't make any sense. It's weird, almost scary how easily Allen trusts. Sometimes it crosses Kanata's mind. Why should he believe anything he says in the first place?

He has changed, cozmez is stronger than ever. It still doesn't take away the fact that he lost.

A shiver goes through his body when Kanata touches his left ear. How could he so thoughtlessly just take his metal off in front of Allen, for no proper reason on top of that.

Without turning his head away from the magazine, Kanata eyes at the other boy. The red hair stands out, like it always does. It's like fire, everything about him is, and it makes Kanata want to make sure if it really burns, if it really would spread like wild flames if he were to touch him. He seems to be so concentrated that he probably wouldn’t even notice if he really did.

He can't help being horrified sometimes, wondering what has happened to him. Why is it always this idiot, the stupid idiot who's still working on the stupid track because he wants to finish it for Kanata.

-

Kanata has no idea when he fell asleep or how long he has been lying there. Has he slept too little lately? It doesn't really matter, it never did. At least he doesn't have any plans for early in the morning. Thinking that it should still be okay he keeps his eyes closed and snuggles closer to his pillow.

It's so comfortable after all. Maybe too comfortable even, it makes him wonder how he was able to fall asleep in the first place.

He wraps his arms around the pillow and pulls it closer to his body, face pressing against the soft fabric. It feels nicer, safer like this when he's sleeping alone. It's warm, unexpectedly so, and when Kanata takes a deep breath the warmth and familiar scent makes him feel calm.

Not good. He might not have to wake up early but he shouldn't laze around like this either. There's the track he wanted to work on and-

Kanata rolls on his back and opens his eyes, finding out that the ceiling above him in fact isn't the one he's the most used to.

His vision is a bit blurry when he gets up on his elbows and looks around confused. Rubbing his eyes he slowly starts to remember he's not at home and the bed he fell asleep on isn't his own.

"Did you sleep well?"

Kanata almost yells in surprise at the sudden soft speaking voice. Allen is still sitting on his chair but he has turned around, now facing Kanata. He seems a bit restless as he tries to avoid looking at Kanata and stares down concentrated on fumbling his hands instead.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kanata stutters, almost yells again.

"Huh, this is my room?"

Not coming up with a better comeback Kanata curses at him, telling how annoying he is stating facts.

"So what, are you making fun of me?" Kanata spits and squints his eyes at the other again. Allen glances at him and sputters, trying to deny Kanata's assumptions.

Was he there sitting like this, staring the whole time?

A sensation goes through Kanata, from his chest to his face and he's not sure if it's a shiver or a warm feeling since it definitely doesn't feel good but his face tingles in warmth.

Sleeping in the presence of someone else. How could he let his guard down like this, for a second time even?

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Allen says carefully, fumbling with his hands again and pulling his sleeve as if trying to fix it even though there's nothing to fix. Kanata doesn't answer, just huffs at him and looks away.

He gets up slowly to sit properly on the bed, his legs hanging out of the edge. He still feels dizzy. Somehow his head hurts even more after sleeping even though he got to rest. He couldn't have been lying there for long so maybe it just had the opposite effect because he wasn't able to sleep properly. Well, he's quite used to it anyway.

"You can still sleep if you want to," Allen says carefully. He isn't quite looking but takes a quick glance, then another, to see Kanata's reaction. When he doesn't reply anything Allen seems to get even more uneasy as he restlessly shifts in his place, trying to find a natural sitting position but it doesn’t look like going well.

“I mean, Hajun and Anne are both still at work, so…”

He probably doesn’t mean anything by it but how his voice got quieter word by word as if he started realizing what it sounds like makes Kanata feel even more weird.

The apartment is so quiet Kanata assumed something like that but hearing Allen actually saying it aloud made his heart jump a little.

"Whatever," he clicks his tongue and stares down at the magazine that has dropped on the floor. He feels a bit awkward, not exactly knowing where to look or what to say.

"Besides," he decides to change the topic. "Is it still not ready?" Kanata stretches his neck on the side to see on the screen but when he does Allen stands up.

"Yeah, I just started rendering so it might take a while," he says quickly, takes a few steps closer and, to Kanata’s surprise, sits on the bed, blocking his view.

He tries to look unimpressed when he feels weight beside him. However, when he opens his mouth to comment about if Allen is hiding something, no words come out.

They sit in a slightly uncomfortable silence, only Allen's computer making a constant, quiet noise. Usually Kanata prefers it when it's quiet but right now there's some kind of tension he doesn't really care about.

He doesn't dare to look but he knows he's just there, even without turning to the other boy's direction Kanata can see his hands clenched in fists on his knees and how his other leg is shaking. It's a bit nerve-wracking and a part of him wants to place his hand on Allen's thigh to tell him to stop.

Of course, he wouldn't do that. He could mistake the gesture for something else and find it too weird. Just imagining Allen looking at him with a questioning or, even worse, disgusted face makes Kanata’s chest feel tight. He brings his hands around himself and squeezes his upper arms.

“Um,” Allen suddenly says out of nowhere, making Kanata almost startle in surprise. The situation might not be any less awkward for him either since he seems to have a need to break the silence.

“Is it cold here?"

Kanata blinks, frowns and slowly turns to glance at Allen. He's shifting in his place again, not knowing how he should sit. He didn't really expect such an out of nowhere question like this.

When Allen realizes how confused Kanata is staring at him, he brings one hand on his nape and squeezes the other into a fist harder.

"I mean," he stutters, probably, hopefully realizing even himself how he's just making it worse by every word. "You're dressed so lightly, like I could've-"

"Mind your own business," Kanata interrupts him quickly before he talks more.

He's so wrong that the truth almost slipped from Kanata's mouth. That it's always a lot warmer here, that because he already knows it's going to be warm he was prepared.

Perhaps he is shivering a bit. But it's because of an entirely different reason and Allen just made it worse.

He hates this. The dizziness, the nervousness, his trembling hands. The feelings he wouldn't get if it was anyone else sitting close to him, yet the feelings that are way too familiar. Kanata tries to breathe calmly, to think about something other than being horrified about how easily his body reacts. It's difficult to stay still but he isn't ready to properly look at Allen either.

Kanata closes his eyes, breathes in again and looks down at his feet. They don't quite reach the floor, unlike the taller boy's feet do next to him. It makes him purse his lips - he already is tall, does his legs have to be so long too?

Annoyed, he lifts his legs up back on the bed, quickly realizing it was a mistake. When he crosses his legs the other presses against Allen's, making them both flinch. Once again, another sudden, unexpected touch.

Kanata's first reaction is to quickly put his legs down like they were, noticing too late how clumsy the movement looked.

The place he touched tingles, and the sensation spreads all over his body making him feel warmer and warmer.

Allen really is like fire.

A part of Kanata wants to expand it further, to see how dangerous it would be to touch more, while the other part of him reminds him he could still run away from the flames.

Kanata's heart beats a bit harder against his chest again. He knows he shouldn't, he knows.

He groans, his breath coming out a bit shaky, and ruffles his hair. Just in case Allen is looking again he pulls his hair on his face, trying to hide behind it.

"...What's wrong with you," Kanata mumbles, not sure if it's aimed more at Allen or himself.

"Eh…?" Kanata feels how he shifts in his place again, maybe trying to hide his uneasiness.

"You're usually loud as fuck and stuff. Not that I'm complaining, obviously," Kanata continues talking in a quiet voice, trying to not move around and look as stupid as Allen does.

It doesn't bother him, not really. The tension is just a bit too much.

There's a small, a bit uncertain but soft laugh besides him. Somehow it feels like it's too close even, as if he was chuckling directly into Kanata's ear. Another shiver goes through him, from his ears all the way to his toes and he can just hope it doesn't show how he fights the urge to squirm.

"Is that so," Allen says in a way Kanata can hear he's smiling. It annoys him how lightly he takes Kanata's bad mouthing and doesn't get defensive.

"...I guess I was just really surprised," he continues in a quiet, slightly shy voice. "To suddenly see you like this."

Kanata's heart drops into his stomach. He feels weird, almost a bit sick again and tries to search for nonexistent comfort by wrapping his arms around himself tighter. His fingers feel surprisingly cold against the skin on his shoulder that peeks between his shirt and hoodie.

It was a mistake to come after all. As if he didn't know it from the beginning but hearing it said aloud makes him feel even more ridiculous.

"I've been trying to leave this whole time, in case you didn't know," Kanata snorts at the floor, hoping he sounds convincingly sarcastic.

"No, that's not what I meant!" Allen rushes to say and moves so quickly that even without looking the bed moves under their weight the way Kanata knows he turned to his direction.

"It's kinda selfish and I know you might not want to or have time for something like this often, and I wanna respect that, but," he babbles, reminding his usual self more than earlier.

"But I…was happy."

Kanata's heart skips a beat, maybe two even, and starts beating faster again. He tries to remind himself to breathe, slower, quieter but it doesn’t work when he slowly turns to look at Allen before he can stop himself.

He's smiling. It's just a small, quite shy smile but it's still there.

For a moment Kanata's uneasy feelings change to just confusion when he tries to search for answers in the red eyes. He wouldn't say they're lying but he can't exactly tell.

After all, he can't think of anything he has even tried to do that would be worthy of making him 'happy'.

Allen stares back at him, his eyes wandering and not exactly concentrating just on Kanata's gaze. He's still smiling a little but it's more of a wary, asking one. When Kanata doesn't look away he seems to pluck up the courage to open his mouth again.

At first there's just a sigh, then a small chuckle as he looks down but smiles wider.

"...What?" Kanata pouts.

"No, just," Allen gives another small laugh, as if he knew what Kanata was thinking. "I just thought…" He talks in a quiet, uncertain but content voice and looks down, somewhere between the bed's edge and the floor.

"You finally looked at me."

Kanata can't help inhaling sharply at his words. If his heart wasn't already beating fast, it got even worse, the first faster beats almost hurting in his chest.

He's not sure what to think but it definitely makes him want to turn his head away as fast as possible.

Is he being laughed at? He can't really tell but he would hate to be wrong if he mistook it for something else. Nevertheless, it doesn't help that his face heats up in anger again.

"……you ain't looking at me either," is the only thing Kanata manages to mumble as he stares down at his hands. He tries to squeeze them together but it doesn’t stop them from trembling a little.

"Sorry, I just, it's difficult… Not in a bad way! Uh, I don't know how to explain," Allen keeps chuckling nervously and puts a hand on his mouth, leans forward on his legs and hides his face.

Kanata is curious if he knows what he means, if it's the same indescribable feeling Kanata himself is experiencing at the very moment.

After a while Allen straightens his back, takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. He moves, it's not much but it still makes the distance between them a little smaller, their legs almost touching again.

"But, I'll try harder."

Without much warning his voice comes even closer and when Kanata looks up to confirm exactly how close, he feels a familiar tightness, his heart jumping in his chest. It's not like he hasn't seen it before but no matter how many times Kanata's eyes are met with this stare it's not easy to keep looking back.

The way Allen purses his lips and gulps when Kanata turns to him makes him seem even more nervous. However, his eyes remain determined when he's looking back into Kanata's.

"Didn't ask you to," he rushes to say as angrily as possible when he realizes he got stuck to stare. Yet, it would feel like he's losing if he was the first one to look away.

"If it's okay I'd still like to."

Allen smiles again, the cheater, but Kanata doesn't waver and keeps staring back. He tries to breathe normally but the more he thinks about how he normally breathes the more difficult it becomes and just ends up being a long, shaky inhale.

He would still like to.

It's weird, it definitely sounds weird. Most of all, why.

Yet, he's able to concentrate less on what his reasoning might be and more on the red eyes in front of him. It's unexpected but actually the longer he stares the easier it becomes, almost addicting if he had to be honest, and it feels like the fire in them is taking control of Kanata again.

Allen opens his mouth a little, nothing but a small gasp coming out when he tries to say something. He closes his mouth, bites his lip a little before pursing them tightly together again. The eye contact breaks when his eyes start wandering a bit lower from Kanata's. Kanata sneers a little, his lips curving into a small smirk.

"W-What?" Allen blinks at him, looking back into his eyes as if he was caught doing something he isn't allowed to.

"I won."

Allen blinks again and stares stupidly, not really getting what he's coming at.

"You looked away. So I won," Kanata repeats and keeps smirking at his confusion. Bantering him helps a little to think about something else, to keep away the temptation of getting closer, reaching out, touching the fire. If he does it's Kanata who loses.

"It's that kind of game, huh," Allen runs his fingers in his red hair, another nervous laugh escaping from his lips. Yet again he's not properly looking at Kanata. He's not sure if it's a good thing or not.

"Kanata?" An uncertain voice asks after a silence that was probably shorter than it felt like. He raises an eyebrow, still not taking his eyes off Allen.

"Actually, I won't mind losing," he continues. Allen's hand ruffles his hair, making it even messier than it was, while the other is grabbing the bed sheets behind Kanata. He's staring, not into Kanata's eyes but a little lower, and bites his lip again.

"..so…" He breathes out in a low, shaky voice. "...Can I close my eyes?"

Breathe.

However, breathing might be the last thing he's able to think about at the moment. Not when Allen moves closer again, so near that Kanata doesn't have to look to know their legs are pressing against each other. This time there isn't a way to escape the touch.

'For what?' he wants to ask. Because he can't think of anything else to say, not because he doesn't know why. He isn't stupid, he knows where this is going.

Allen's other hand is still behind him grabbing the sheets, and the other on his leg, dangerously close to Kanata’s thigh, squeezed so tightly in a fist that his hand is trembling. He looks at Kanata, raises his eyebrows a little and tilts his head - asks if it's alright.

He can't say no even when he wants to. Staring into the eyes in front of him being easy a while ago feels ridiculous as the distance between them is too little, making him unable to think properly.

Staying still doesn't feel half as easy anymore and he squirms, swings his feet in the air a little, squeezes his trembling hands on his lap, tries to count how many times his heart might be beating in a second. Anything to stop him from tilting his head in the opposite direction from Allen's and leaning closer, closer, closer, enough to feel warm, heavy breathing on his face.

The last thing he sees before Allen leans in at the same time and shuts the remaining distance between them is red eyes closing in front of him.

It's supposed to be his win, yet it feels like he's losing.

Allen gasps when their lips touch, as if it was a surprise despite Kanata not being the only one leaning closer. However, he doesn't pull away right away like he often does and presses tighter against him instead.

He's not moving yet but even this amount of eagerness is enough to make Kanata almost be the next one to gasp.

It truly burns. He knows it already, he did this knowing that touching Allen burns. It's stupid, almost funny. Perhaps Kanata was expecting something like this to happen. Perhaps he even hoped so.

Admitting as much makes his head spin and eyes sting. It's not just that simple, not really. Having hope never is.

He's not sure if he's supposed to want this, if he's allowed to, if it's reasonable even.

Maybe Kanata already knows the answer but pretends not knowing, pretending he's still in the middle of figuring it out just that he wouldn't need to stop yet.

He closes his eyes. It's warm, it always is, and so addicting it feels like he's about to get swallowed by the sensations surrounding him.

Allen sighs contently against Kanata's lips and while he seems to relax a little the warm breath on his face makes Kanata just shiver more. He opens his mouth a little, Allen shortly following after him, and carefully presses closer if possible.

Kanata squeezes his hands even tighter, his nails sinking into his skin in a way it hurts, and tries to concentrate on the pain instead.

However, it doesn't seem to be enough to stop him from opening his mouth more, tilting his head further and starting to move his lips against Allen's. Allen flinches and whines a little but doesn't move away, Kanata is delighted to notice.

Instead, there's a sound of sheets rustling as Allen seems to move but Kanata can't look. Opening his eyes and looking now would feel way too intimate, scary even.

There is a hesitant, careful touch. Fingers on the side of his head, slowly making their way on his cheek. Same gentle fingers brushing a strand of hair, Kanata didn't even notice, off his face, moving it behind his ear and cupping his face. As if Kanata would move even if he didn't keep him in his place.

In fact, he should. He should, he needs to move, push Allen away, get mad at him.

He can't. He doesn't know exactly why but he can't. Not when he hears himself gasping a bit louder at the direct touch and tries to make Allen forget about it by grabbing the sleeve of his shirt and moving a bit rougher, licking his lips and making him gasp, whine and squirm more.

However, Allen is persistent, he should already know as much. He is still moving around in his place but some hesitancy seems to have left him as his hand slowly goes down to his jaw, while the other slides up on his hip, on his waist. Kanata twists his body in an attempt to avoid his touches but it's impossible as his hands are on the both sides of him.

It feels like taking forever before he decides to stop his hands, placing them on his shoulders. The hold isn't very tight which might be even worse - his warm fingers are tickling the bare skin, above his hoodie that has fallen off his shoulders again.

There's a weird noise when their tongues finally touch, and if Allen already wasn't flinching and gasping for air Kanata would feel more ashamed about it than he does.

Maybe this happened too suddenly, too soon. Even though it's not like it's even the first time. It's always like this - it just happens. Before they even realize what's going on they're holding each other again, and before they know it it has already ended and they pretend it never happened. No matter how close they are, no matter how indecent or intimate the touches and movements of their hands, bodies or lips are.

Kanata can't take it anymore.

It's difficult to disconnect the touch, get away from the warmth but he does, grabs Allen from his arms and pulls away. He's unable to look up. He doesn't want to see him.

"Ah, I-" Allen tries to breathe. "S-Sorry."

This is exactly why. He doesn't want to see this face. He doesn't want Allen to see him either.

"The lights…" Kanata pants. He's even more out of breath than he thought. It's horrifying. Not coming up with anything better he brings his hands on Allen's face and covers his eyes.

"Go turn off the lights."

"K-Kanata?"

"Now."

Kanata's strict voice seems to work because he immediately moves, stumbles a bit when he gets up. When his hands leave Kanata's shoulders he feels colder again. Yet, he doesn't pull his hoodie properly on himself.

He doesn't know how much time passes but it feels like Allen takes several minutes, way too long, long enough to make Kanata feel uneasy sitting on the bed alone and give him enough time to think. How he still could back away from this, how he should get up himself and leave Allen instead.

His uncertain feelings get easier instantly as the lights are off. The room is still not as dark as Kanata wished it would be but it will do. The computer spreads white light on the walls and he has to squint when looking at the bright screen as Allen isn't blocking his view anymore.

100%. The song he already forgot about. It has probably been finished for who knows how long. Kanata pretends to not notice and turns his head away.

His heart beats fast, so loudly he hears it all the way in his ears, loud drumming, almost painful against his chest.

It crosses his mind, the dangerous thought. What if Kanata wasn't the only one.

His heart jumps again, stomach twists and fingers flinch on Allen’s bedsheets. But it's not in an uncomfortable way, and he grips the sheets tighter and tries to breathe.

He needs to calm down. To remind himself that he didn't have any expectations in mind and even if he did, even if Allen did too, it's an entirely different thing whether they should do something about it or not.

Yet, when he finally hears steps, sees Allen's figure coming closer in the dark room, his mind goes blank again.

Kanata can't see properly but it feels like he's moving in slow motion, apparent uncertainty and awkwardness in him as he's trying to catch what's going on.

'Come here' - he could never say something like that. He just needs to wait. To sit and wait if Allen will do anything.

It's even more difficult than Kanata expected, to stay still. He hadn't even paid attention to how he keeps swinging his legs, and lifts them up on the bed, hoping it looks less ridiculous. With a trembling hand he pulls his hair on his face and looks away, eyes focusing on particularly nothing. When he traces a finger on his lips they still feel warm and wet, and his face heats up.

He's way too aware of how impatient he must look and what is even more horrifying is that it's not even entirely false.

After all, he refuses to let this end like it always does. Refuses to let Allen do as he pleases.

He's close. So close Kanata could touch him. Avoiding looking at Kanata and rubbing his neck again, lips parted a bit as if he is trying to say something but being able to only breathe hard. From this angle he looks even taller, even more unreachable.

It won't stop Kanata. Frustration takes him over and at this point he's mostly moving by instinct when he gets up a little on his knees and reaches up.

Based on his reaction Allen didn’t seem to expect it at all, and Kanata would feel more pleased if he was able to predict better himself as well. Predict what gravity does when grabbing roughly the shirt of the person above, especially when the latter wasn't ready to be handled like that.

The first thing he pays attention to is their teeth clashing together, not very painfully but hard enough to make him feel a bit ashamed if anything.

Kanata finds himself weirdly almost sideways on the bed, only one elbow taking support from the mattress just in time saving him from hitting his head on the wall next to the bed. However, his head still gets thrown back and when he tries to gasp for air a groan escapes between his lips.

At least he's not the one who whines loudly. Perhaps he shouldn't blame Allen considering his unexpected actions but hearing them both letting out such weird noises at the same time makes Kanata feel mortified.

Allen barely moves, just breathing out short, warm exhales against Kanata's skin. His hand is on the bed, right next to Kanata’s arm, and another leaning on the wall to keep his balance.

Slowly Kanata is starting to get more aware of how both of them are trembling, shaking even in the uncomfortable position. He doesn't have any other choices than pulling away and pushing Allen with the hand he's still grabbing his shirt with. He sways a little, his hand separating from the wall and gripping the bed sheets instead, but Kanata must not be pushing hard enough since he doesn't budge apart from that.

After all, he's above him, shaking but in a steadier position than Kanata who has his legs locked between Allen's, still trying to keep his upper body up by an elbow and his head hanging back. His hair falls behind his shoulders and doesn't touch his neck like normally. It’s not unusual or weird but somehow it makes him feel exposed.

Pulling away might have been a mistake. Not because Kanata especially wanted to keep their lips connected. It's just hard to handle this. All of this.

His mouth is open but his choker feels tight around his neck and he can’t breathe properly, just painful sounding wheezing coming out. The room feels quiet and loud at the same time when the only sound is both panting close to each other and Kanata’s heartbeat being noisier than ever. They’re not even touching, yet Kanata feels constant shivers, never ending tingles going through his whole body and tickling his skin.

The only light source coming behind Allen hits his red hair, making it look like real flames. A part of Kanata wants to reach higher and touch it, put his hand behind his head, run his fingers in his hair and pull him closer again. The other part of him wants to grab it, pull it hard enough to make him whine as Kanata would push him properly away this time.

He could easily do it, he is strong enough to do it. Even if Allen would keep a hold on him, even if the bigger hands grabbed Kanata's wrists and tried to restrain him from moving around. Pinned him against the bed, slammed him against the wall, pulled his clothes and hair, muffled his curses by pressing tightly against his mouth. Allen could try anything and Kanata would still be able to stop him if he wished so.

He won't. Kanata knows he won't. Perhaps it would be easier if he did, better than the wait, the slowness, the wavering. The way Allen looks down at him with widened eyes. Kanata doesn’t know what he might be thinking about, how should he know when most of the time he just stares and stares and stares like the idiot he is.

Despite everything, for some reason it feels like he's frozen and moving feels impossible. He just doesn't know what to do or where to look. This is different, completely different and new even though he's used to having to look up when he looks at Allen.

His eyes, his lips, his harsh panting - it's all too close, too intimate. They don't have to even hold or touch each other like they did just a moment ago and the hotness spreads again, leaving barely anything unburned.

After what feels like an eternity, between rough, short pants Allen tries to speak, tries so much it looks like he's about to stop breathing. Arms leave both sides of Kanata's head as he moves a little bit further and gets up on his knees.

"Hah… Ah, A-Are you okay?"

A trembling hand goes through his hair as he stutters and keeps looking down with a shock on his face. Kanata can't tell whether it's because he's surprised and nervous or, worse options, because he's worried or it's too much for him.

Kanata frowns, groans in annoyance and with the little power he has left pushes the boy above him again until his arms finally give in. He lets go of Allen's collar, feels his back and head hitting the mattress under him.

"..you're, uh…so annoying…" Kanata brings an arm to his face to hide behind it and mumbles whatever insults that come to his mind.

It's a bit easier, he feels a bit more calm like this. He can't see Allen behind his arm and he just hopes most of his own face is hidden as well.

However, he can feel it. Allen on him, moving around a bit restlessly, their legs rubbing together as he does. Kanata can only pray that he keeps leaning on his knees and doesn't lower himself because he doesn't know how such direct touch would make him react.

"Kanata?"

His voice is soft, not very calm but gentle, careful. Kanata has a hunch why and just hopes Allen doesn't open his mouth again.

There's movement, the sheets rustling and sounds of breathing coming closer as Allen seems to bend down slowly. Kanata fights the urge to look or flinch but fails at both when there's a brush of fingers on his arm. He moves it just enough that he can take a peek at Allen.

The boy above him jumps a bit further when their eyes meet. He may not look as shocked anymore, just surprised. Maybe even shy? His face is flushed and he bites his lip as he avoids another eye contact, gaze softening a little as it wanders to his fingers on Kanata's arm.

He traces them on his skin. Slow, questioning touch giving Kanata tingles again, shivers going through his body even though his hand is warm. When Allen starts stroking his arm more in an attempt to move it away Kanata can't help squeezing his eyes shut and grunting.

"Do you want me to let go?"

His stomach twists at his words and he gulps down, grits his teeth as he opens his eyes and hopes that fury burns in them when he glances at Allen.

His hunch wasn't far. He's definitely not going to answer but neither is he going to get up.

Allen waits - the only thing he's good at but what Kanata needs the least. His hand is still resting on Kanata's arm, and has moved it out of his face without Kanata even noticing.

After a while Allen tilts his head, purses his lips and takes a deep, shaky breath. His hand moves, slides a little lower on his face, the back of his fingers on his cheek.

Kanata quickly turns his head in the other direction and closes his eyes again. It doesn't help since as long as Allen is this close, as long as his touch is this gentle it makes him want to bite his hand off to make it stop. Yet, when Allen keeps stroking his face and moving his hair out of the way, all he can do is pathetically grip the sheets under him and do his best to not react in any way to his touches.

"Tell me if you want to stop."

He doesn't have to open his eyes to know how Allen bends down. Before Kanata manages to spit another curse at him the hand is replaced with a warm breath against face, lips carefully landing on his cheek, dangerously close to his ear and neck.

Kanata gasps. He wants to cover his mouth but can't move his hand because Allen has his arms on both sides of his head and is on his way. He cracks his eyes open a little and looks to one side, noticing how Allen tries to take his hand in his. He can't move a lot but tries to quickly avoid his touch.

Allen pulls away, not much, just enough to look at Kanata. He can't look back. He's too afraid of finding out what kind of expression he has and just hopes Allen would quickly do something, anything, to make it easier.

A hand is on his cheek again. It doesn't, in fact, make it any easier. He needs something else, something he can't explain, because at this rate it feels like he's going to pass out.

His hand is a bit careful as it cups his face and turns it to his direction, making Kanata face him. Allen's expression is soft, bashful perhaps considering the red tint hasn't vanished from his cheeks.

He's smiling. It's barely noticeable but his face is above him and it's so near, they're so close to each other that Kanata can see everything even in the dark. He feels an uncomfortable sensation in his chest. It makes him think if Allen can see him as well - how nervous, impatient, even weak he might be looking.

Just when Kanata lifts up his hands to push Allen away he places both of his arms on the bed and bends down again, making Kanata whine a little in surprise when their lips press together.

He can't do anything else but close his eyes tightly and just go with it. In theory, he could. But Allen's sudden boldness leaves him with no better plan.

His hands grip on Allen's arms, taking a strong grip on his sleeves and pulling him as roughly as he can, making him gasp against Kanata's lips. He takes that as an opportunity to open his mouth, to deepen whatever is going on between them. However, just when he does Allen slowly pulls away again.

It's the same as the last time - he gets away as little as possible, just to look at Kanata. However, unlike the last time, Kanata is not on guard and just glares back in confusion.

The smile speaks of contentment and if it’s because he thinks he managed to kiss Kanata's frown away he will not let that happen again.

It pisses him off. He doesn't know where to look or what to do when he's like this. It's humiliating, confusing, annoying and maybe a bit of something else, too, but he doesn't know what. He doesn't know anything anymore and feels like exploding with all the unknown feelings.

"Ugh… you're seriously so, fucking, hah…"

He needs to breathe a little before continuing because his voice comes out so weak it's not convincing at all. He doesn't know if he wants to punch Allen or himself more.

"...so.. fucking, annoying… uh..what's wrong with you."

Allen's smile doesn't fade but it changes to a bit more uneasy one and he looks away from Kanata.

"Sorry, I-I can't help it."

Without much warning Kanata feels warm, broken, heavy breathing against his bare neck. Allen's chest presses against his and it feels like he's trapped. Trapped by the warmth, by the heartbeats throbbing simultaneously against each other.

Kanata gazes at the ceiling but his eyes are focused on nothing as his vision blurs. He doesn't know why and his head is so full he can't begin to specify the meaning of anything.

Does he want to move his hands from the bed, lift them up and wrap them around the body above him? Would that guarantee that it's real? Would guaranteeing that be even more scary? His fingers flinch when he's trying to decide and Allen's lips carefully touch his cheek again, just making it worse.

"I think it's 'cause…"

Kanata doesn't want to hear it. Finally, he reaches up and buries his hands in the red hair, tugging it, hoping it's hard enough to silence him. It doesn't - Allen lets out a tiny whine and presses tighter against him. His voice is low, barely a whisper, when he talks into Kanata's ear.

"I guess I just like you so much, so I… I can't help it."

He's not sure if he's breathing anymore, if either of them is really, and he has to remind himself to be calm, to have his mind blank, to not think anything about it. To not expect anything.

In fact, Kanata feels like yelling, throwing up, like he's just on the verge of passing out. His eyes get damp but he refuses to give in and shuts them tightly.

"...fuck..you," he groans against Allen's neck. Trying to be calm is asked too much so he goes for the other option. He tugs Allen’s hair again and his other hand slides a little lower, pulling his shirt, his nails scratching his nape which is the only bare skin he can find.

Allen doesn't complain or back away. If anything, he lets Kanata do as he pleases, only a sharp hiss tickling his ear and hands grabbing the sheets under them. It's what Kanata rather wanted - to not let Allen be the one to decide the flow. Yet it still doesn't feel like he's succeeding when Allen gives in so easily.

"Kanata."

His hold loosens a little in surprise at his name being called but he doesn't answer anything.

"I need to ask something."

The voice against his ear sounds even more nervous than before if possible, giving a feeling that he still has his face buried in Kanata's neck mostly because he's trying to hide.

Kanata doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to think about anything. Doesn't want to know what Allen might be needing to ask because all possible options he can think of make him feel sick.

He just wants Allen to be quiet but doesn't know how to stop him from talking either.

"It's… I-I want…" he takes a few deep breaths and moves a little, his lips brushing against Kanata's neck and making him almost gasp.

'I want' - a sentence that could lead to anything. The range of possible options is still too large and he's not prepared enough to hear any selfish wish that might be in his mind.

“I want to make you feel good. Is… that okay? Can I?”

Admittedly, it's something he was the least prepared for. Not even one of the options he had in mind if he's honest, and suddenly he has a lot of things he wants to say, to question. But above all...

“…Why.”

Finally Allen moves away slowly. His eyes suddenly meeting with Kanata's makes him panic at first but when he looks better the sad expression is just plain irritating if anything.

“'Why', that’s…? I don't know how to explain."

That alone works as an answer for Kanata. If even Allen himself doesn't know what it means, what does it matter? It's just something he heard somewhere, meaningless, not worth making Kanata's heart race the way it does.

"Um, it’s kinda embarrassing to say it like this…"

Allen looks away, the flush on his cheeks deepening when he opens and closes his mouth several times. He manages to only chuckle nervously when he tries to speak up, as if anything was supposed to be funny.

"I-It's only if you want that too but, uh, either way…"

Allen lowers his head, presses his forehead just under Kanata's jaw, his hot breath against his chest. He can feel the unexpected warmth even through his shirt and it sends a sensation down his body in a way he hasn't felt before.

"I think you deserve it. Maybe because I..just really care about you.”

He laughs a little again and despite the fact that he still sounds nervous there’s softness, a gentle feel in his voice that speaks of too much affection - enough to make Kanata’s head fill up with anger.

Realizing his hands have been just resting on Allen’s head for a while he grabs his hair even harder, pulls him away, the other hand pushing him further from his shoulder. Based on Allen’s reaction this time the rough handling seems to hurt for real but if Kanata now started showing concern about Allen’s painful face or yelps he could admit defeat right away.

Probably thinking that he’s supposed to take a hint Allen tries to back away, perhaps to get up even. Kanata won’t let him, definitely won’t. He won’t let this go by Allen’s rules. He grabs his collar and pulls him close, making him fall on him again.

“I don’t need any of that shit.”

He stares right into Allen’s shocked eyes, just a few inches away from his. His voice is cold, yet between hard breathing sounds disappointingly insecure. The trembling hands on Allen’s shirt doesn’t make it any better, and Kanata quickly yanks him close in hope that Allen wouldn't notice.

He has already lost count how many times their lips have pressed together tonight.

It’s not a kiss. 'Kiss' sounds like something that should have way more feelings in it than wanting to destroy the other.

Kanata doesn’t know about feelings. Nor does he know about care, deserving something, wanting something.

There isn’t anything but heat and addiction when he opens his mouth and licks his way past Allen’s lips into his mouth, making him moan and squirm, grip the sheets on both of the sides of Kanata when he tries to keep himself from completely slumping down on him.

Kanata lets go of his collar and brings his arms around him. His hands grip the fabric of Allen’s shirt on his back harder, rougher, tighter. Not sure whether he's trying to pull him closer or push him away.

Allen doesn't protest and lets Kanata toss him around, bite his lips and push his tongue deeper inside his mouth. They keep clinging to each other, tasting each other in a shameless way until Allen whines again louder and his arms give in.

"Ah…h… K-Kanata…"

His voice is low when he pants straight into Kanata's ear. The body above him is shaking when he's still trying to not have all of his weight on Kanata. But he's pressed close. Closer than before as their bodies are in direct touch, his chest against Kanata's even tighter than earlier. Despite his own heart drumming loudly he can clearly hear another one beating fast against his.

"Are you sure?"

A breath against his skin. An asking, careful, wary voice. Kanata hopes the little tone he might be hearing in it is rather unnecessary restraint than hesitation.

"What," he hisses between his heavy pants.

"Are you sure you want to go on?"

Kanata squints his eyes at the ceiling of Allen's room. He's riled up to the point he wants to scream, yell that there's nothing he wants. No way he would ever say yes to anything which leaves him with no other choices than moving his hand back on Allen’s nape, sinking his nails into the hot skin and scratching him until he gets his point through.

Allen gasps into his ear and if he isn't mistaken it doesn't sound like he's just in pain unlike the last time. Kanata tries to not think about it, to block his ears from Allen's sighs and how he slowly inhales his skin.

There's a new kind of sensation when lips are lightly pressed on his neck. Just a careful touch exploring the feeling.

When he starts to trace them on Kanata's neck he quickly has to bring a hand on his mouth to prevent any weird noises coming out. It's just in time because Allen keeps moving down, so slowly, so carefully it mostly just tickles, yet leaves Kanata breathless.

Without thinking much about it Kanata squeezes his eyes shut and turns his head slowly to the side, trying to not make it too visible yet still hoping Allen notices he has more space. More space to touch his exposed skin, to feel each other more.

There's a sound of sheets rustling but Kanata is too scared to look at what's happening. It doesn't take long for him to find out as Allen brushes his fingers on Kanata's neck and moves the remaining white strands of hair away. It tickles a little.

The hot sensation increases when Allen places his lips on his skin again, right below his choker. Kanata makes sure to keep his eyes shut and presses his hand tighter against his lips.

'Don’t leave a mark' he wants to order but he doesn't have any reason to. Allen doesn't suck his skin, he doesn't bite him or lick him, doesn't do anything that would possibly ever leave any reminder of this moment on his pale skin.

Just delicate kisses on his neck, slowly moving a bit lower until his lips touch gently the bare area on his collarbone. Kanata has to bite his own finger when he fights to keep quiet but it's useless, impossible when fingers touch his neck in a way he didn't expect.

Kanata feels how the choker tightens around his neck, making his breath stop when two fingers slide between the white leather and his skin. It's probably just in an attempt to either move it or take off unnecessary accessories, he tries to tell himself. Yet, it makes him arch his back and whole body momentarily tense up, then lose all his strength, both of his hands falling against the bed.

He groans. It comes out hoarse and surprisingly high-pitched - louder than either would have expected.

Allen quickly takes his fingers out, making Kanata gasp for air so suddenly it's kind of too much, and he has to cough a little to catch his breath again.

"S-Sorry, are you okay!"

Allen moves away just to look at how he left Kanata a heavily breathing mess under him. It's either a blessing or a curse how clueless he is, how Allen doesn't seem to realize what he really just did.

His touch was just on his face, just on his neck but Kanata felt it again - the hot sensation going through his whole body, making him shiver and flinch. Wanting to chase for more of it.

"I'll..be more careful."

The way he tries to reach his face to stroke Kanata's cheek in a disgustingly gentle manner makes him want to shove him off, get him away from him.

"Don't."

Kanata slaps his hand away. He can't stand it but still can't do anything but hide his face under an arm and try to breathe.

"Don't..do that."

Kanata wants to tell him to hurry. To just hurry up and do it, he doesn't care how.

How could he ever say that without sounding like he desperately wants this?

He doesn't want to think about it, not when they have already come this far. But he can't help the questions popping in his head - why does he keep and keep on talking about being careful, slowing down, stopping?

What if Allen is doing this on purpose? Teasing, trying to make him beg and laugh at him when he does? Be as slow as possible because he's hesitating, because he doesn't want this?

Is it because of…

"Mmh, I won't. It's alright. Just tell me if something is unpleasant."

Kanata snorts. Half because Allen's stupid misunderstanding, half because as if. He doubts a situation where he would have to even consider saying anything would happen in the first place.

Fingers hover on his arm, slightly touching it here and there, waiting. Waiting until Kanata takes a peek, opens his mouth to curse at him to stop telling him what to do.

He doesn't manage to say one word until his arm is moved away, held over his head, and soft lips are on his again. Kanata gasps a little in surprise and tries to make it up by reaching behind Allen's head with his free hand.

It's not what he was supposed to do but it's still better. Everything would be so much better, easier, if Allen kept quiet and stopped asking stupid questions about everything, preferably stopped talking to begin with.

His fingers flinch under Allen's hand which makes him let go immediately. Kanata takes that as an opportunity to cling more to him, to grip on him tighter.

A part of him wants to feel it again. But he knows he shouldn't, knows it better than anyone.

Yet, the mere thought of Allen touching him makes it difficult to stay still and when he tries to, no matter how much he tries to not seem excited his body isn't listening.

He turns his head on the side, only to breathe out against Allen's neck. His warmth and scent all around him doesn't feel any less suffocating than his lips leaving him breathless.

In an attempt to not press too close Kanata arches his back again, entirely failing at all his attempts when it just makes him move around more. The less his body obeys the more he pulls Allen from his clothes, from his hair, whatever his hands reach. Hits him, scratches him, curses at him - anything. Because it truly is his fault. Everything is his fault.

"Fucking… Suzaku…"

It's mortifying. His voice comes out quiet, too soft, too calm. It doesn't portray whatever he might be currently feeling at all, he just doesn't have any strength left anymore.

Allen hums into his ear and brings his hand on Kanata's head, running his fingers through the disheveled white locks.

It almost goes unnoticed how he drags his shaking hand down when another delicate kiss is placed on Kanata's neck at the same time. It's not until he reaches the side of his waist, on the hem of his shirt, when Kanata realizes. His heart skips a beat and body tenses up when he prepares for Allen's next move.

Nothing happens. His hand doesn't move lower or slide under his shirt. It just stays on his waist, his palm against the small area of bare skin that peeks between his pants and shirt.

Kanata squirms a little, not sure if he's trying to avoid his touch or lean against it to feel more. His head is already too messed up.

He tried to ignore it.

He tried to but can’t anymore as he's starting to get more and more aware of it. Of all the places where Allen runs his fingers on, of all the places that are left totally untouched.

It's hot. But it's different from earlier. It’s not only Allen's warmth - it's his own.

To ease the feeling he tries to move, to adjust his position but it just makes it worse. Allen has him locked between his legs, keeping him from moving much. Kanata tries to bend his own legs and rub his thighs together but the small movement causes some unnecessary extra friction, making his body just tense up more.

Not good. He's starting to get too mindful about the pressure and he can't stop flinching every time he feels Allen's breath on his skin or when he moves against him.

It's not an entirely new feeling, yet something his body isn't, he isn't quite used to.

He shouldn't get used to it either.

Kanata's vision blurs and the world spins around him. It doesn't help even when he closes his eyes or tries to hold onto Allen more. He can't, he can't anymore but the more he's starting to lose strength the less calm he feels.

He knows there's a way. But it's not for Kanata, something like this. He wants, needs it to just go away. Has to stop it himself, before…

"Mmh… K-Kanata?"

He flinches once again and huffs against Allen’s neck, vigorously shaking his head. Kanata can barely make sense of what he's saying.

"Try to relax."

A hoarse whisper in his ear sends tingles down his spine, yet when he comprehends the contents of Allen's words his head fills up with anger.

"...nn.." Kanata groans, trying to form words. He lets go of Allen's shirt and brings them on his shoulders instead, pushing him wearily.

"n…no…"

The distance between them increases a little and Allen seems to take that as a chance to look at him.

He wouldn't even have to open his mouth for Kanata to know exactly what his questioning, a bit miserable expression means.

"Everything alright?"

"Shut up."

He pushes Allen's shoulder harder until breaking their eye contact by looking away. He tries to slowly breathe against the back of his hand but when Allen adjusts his position it makes their bodies rub together too intensively, causing both to gasp sharply.

After a while Allen starts to move again, slower and more careful this time. Kanata isn't looking but he feels eyes on him, examining his every reaction.

He feels lips landing on his shoulder as Allen bends down, and another gasp escapes against his hand. Kanata grabs on his shoulder tighter but it doesn’t help because Allen slowly starts making his way down his arm, hot breath on his skin.

The fingers of his other hand flinch on his waist, not really moving but still enough to make Kanata fidget in his place. He tries to not seem too impatient but he can't help bending and straightening his legs, arching his back and tilting his head further on the side, against the mattress. His reactions must be too obvious for even someone like Allen.

"Your hands are shaking."

He's painfully aware. Yet, he can't think of a snarky comeback, doesn't have enough courage to try to speak up. Before he even realizes what's happening Allen has already taken his hand in his.

Kanata purses his lips and looks up at troubled Allen. When their eyes meet he squeezes Kanata's hand a little and looks down shyly. A small, delicate smile.

It all happens so fast Kanata barely has time to react - to even give a thought to how he should try to make Allen stop or how nothing is covering his face anymore.

The hand runs up his body and while at it, purposely or not, rolls up his shirt despite not slipping under it. The air hitting Kanata's bare skin feels a bit chilly and causes him to hiss in surprise. The hold on his hand tightens again and Allen looks up into his eyes. The piercing red eyes make him stop squirming for a moment.

He's not sure what it means and it makes Kanata feel more exposed than anything. The bit widened eyes start examining him intently, too closely, as if Kanata's body had text written all over him the other is slowly reading.

Allen's breaths get heavier and rougher, almost making Kanata wonder if something is wrong. He's not doing very well himself either - not when Allen's hand rests on his chest and his eyes are glued on Kanata.

Allen closes his eyes and takes in a few deep breaths, until opening his eyes slowly again. He places a quick peck on Kanata's lips, leaving him just staring in confusion at every unexpected thing he does.

It just gets worse when he gets down, moves his hand away and replaces it with slowly making his way down Kanata's chest with his lips.

Kanata whines. It sounds weak, pathetic even, and he would curse and blame Allen if he could.

He's pressed tightly against him, in a way that if Kanata starts to pay attention to how their bodies are rubbing together it feels like he's starting to get too aware of everything.

Some of Allen's hair tickling his chest, his hot breath on his skin, lips tracing him down, yet stopping before reaching his stomach.

It's unknown. First time he's touched like this. Not even his brother, not even Kanata himself has touched or caressed him like this.

First time anything causes such reactions in Kanata. As if something unknown has taken control of Kanata and he isn't in charge of himself anymore.

It's unbearable. He doesn't know what to do about it and he twists and turns in his place, causing him to gasp at every little movement their bodies make. It's loud, humiliatingly so. Allen takes a glance at him and squeezes his hand when Kanata seems overwhelmed.

He's everywhere - his warmth over him, his shaky breaths echoing in the room, his hesitant but eager hands on Kanata's body, yet leaving the places where he needs it the most untouched.

It annoys Kanata so much, so freaking much he wants to grab his hands and guide them to the right places himself.

He can't. It's so pathetic but he can't, can't do anything but keep his fingers on the shoulder of the boy above him, gripping Allen's shirt as he presses close, but not close enough. It's difficult to not squeeze Allen's hand back with the one he's holding.

The only thing he knows is that he can't stand this. The light touch that is too hesitant, too careful but full of unreleased desire, Kanata wants to believe. He doesn't want to be the only one after all.

Grunting, cursing and biting his lip he pulls on Allen's shirt, tries to kick his legs, arches his back, anything to make him notice.

Kanata is not going to break. And it drives him insane how he is treated as such.

Desperately trying to gasp for more air, Kanata closes his eyes tightly and turns his head away. When his cheek presses against the bed he hears better how rough his breaths sound and he shakes his head, harshly from side to side. His hair gets messed up, white strands getting stuck on his sweaty skin.

The hold loosens and lets go of his hand. He carefully takes a peek, opening his eyes as little as possible. Allen has moved a little further, worry showing in his eyes.

"Too much?"

He doesn't know. Perhaps it is, perhaps not in a way Allen thinks but he isn't sure either.

Both of his hands grab on Allen's shoulders and push him away. It's annoying how Allen doesn't protest and willingly moves. The gap between them grows and it feels chillier again.

A silence falls between them.

It's uncomfortable. Unnatural. It's not like they have had a proper conversation once during this night but suddenly Kanata feels way too conscious about the odd situation and how he might have made a mistake. He faces the wall and desperately tries to catch his breath.

"I… Um," Allen suddenly opens his mouth without a warning. It still feels like his voice is coming so close.

"How do you, or like… What do you like?"

Anything.

"Nothing."

Maybe their breathing is starting to get closer to normal, hence making the room feel more quiet, or the atmosphere is making him more aware of the silence.

"That's…"

Yet, it would still be better if Allen didn't try to talk. Kanata slowly turns to glance at him. He's not directly looking at Kanata anymore, eyes wandering elsewhere but not exactly focusing on anything.

"I said I…"

His face keeps getting redder the more he tries to speak. Kanata would make fun of him if it happened in any different kind of situation.

"I w-want to make you feel good so I need to know what-"

"Don’ know."

It's not entirely a lie. He doesn't know, how would he know? Kanata doesn't really spare thoughts for something like that. He believes he shouldn't either.

"Kanata…"

Allen warily takes a glimpse at him. When Kanata doesn't show a reaction he shifts, brings his hand on his cheek and moves away his hair that got messed up on Kanata's face. His warm fingers stroking his skin move in a way too soothing manner.

There's still a flush on his face but he's frowning, pursing his lips as he keeps looking down at Kanata and caressing his cheek.

Kanata can't really read his expression. Only thing he's able to identify is the last thing he needs and it makes him sick to his stomach.

"Fuck..off."

In his fury he moves hastily, his hand taking a firm hold around Allen's wrist. With all the strength he has left he shoves him away, almost making Allen fall on him again in the midst of it. He hisses, either in surprise or in pain when Kanata twists his wrist.

Maybe he used a bit too much strength. He can't find himself to care a lot about it and collapses back against the bed again, bringing his hands on his chest. He tries to be as unnoticeable as possible about it when he rolls his shirt back on its place.

"Kanata."

Another call of his name. But this time Allen's tone isn't as timid and uncertain - instead it's firm and clear, one that wants to catch his attention to listen.

It makes him feel even more nervous and he tries to not think too much about it. Clicking his tongue he shuts his eyes closed and presses his clenched fists tighter against his chest.

"You're seriously trembling like crazy."

The voice still sounds serious but there's something in it that makes him sound upset, something that makes Kanata’s whole body tremble even more. He squeezes his hands harder, trying to make them stop from shaking.

"'m..not…" he hisses out between harsh gasps. Breathing has become more and more difficult once again, coming out as shaky panting that matches his trembling body.

There's movement above him and just when he cracks his eyes open a little he feels how Allen takes one hand in his, forcing him to open it. He's being fairly gentle about it, yet when the sharp feeling of Kanata's nails on his skin disappears it's replaced with a pain of bruised skin on his palm stretching. A small groan escapes between his gritted teeth and he feels his eyes starting watering.

Allen widens his eyes. There’s shock and sadness in them when he stares into Kanata’s hand, his thumb slowly making soothing circles on his palm. Kanata slaps his hand away. He knows he’s looking at the marks his nails left with that expression and he can’t stand a second of it.

He's not sure if seconds or minutes pass but Allen doesn't touch him again. After a while Kanata hears rustling of sheets and feels movement above him. It's scary to look and when he does it's just as he feared.

Allen backs away, gets up in a sitting position. He isn’t looking at Kanata anymore and there's a hand on his lips. Despite noting Kanata about how he's shaking Allen isn't doing any better himself. The worst is that it might not be just nervousness like before.

"I-I… I-I'm sorry."

Kanata's heart drops down to his stomach.

"...Huh?"

"Please… Don't force yourself."

Kanata opens his mouth. Nothing comes out except a hoarse gasp.

No.

"I'll wait until you're ready. Or if you'll never be ready it's alright too, of course."

No...no…

His vision is blurry and he can’t see properly but if he isn't mistaken Allen is looking at him again. A careful smile, a sad, discomforted smile on his lips.

"I don't know how I should explain but… I think it's that I'm not happy if you're going on with it because of me."

"I don't care what you think," Kanata finally manages to stutter out.

"It's not that," Allen says quietly and looks away again. He looks disappointed and it makes Kanata feel dizzy.

"You don't have to endure it or act strong. You're fine the way you are."

It hits a switch inside Kanata, one that's way more familiar to him and less uncomfortable. One that makes his head spin, want to silence everyone around him. He doesn't care about how.

He gets up just enough to lean on his elbows. His body feels heavy but he can't afford to care about it and grips the sheets to let out some unraveled anger.

"Stop…looking down on me…" Kanata groans out between gritted teeth. His voice comes out low and quiet but hopefully intimidating enough.

It doesn't seem to have much effect on Allen. He shakes his head a little and keeps on smiling sadly.

"I just don't want to hurt you."

It's meaningless. Just pretty words.

"Sorry for putting pressure on you."

Just lies in the form of pretty words.

He can't take it anymore. His body doesn't feel any less heavy but he gets up to grab Allen from his collar.

"Don't fuck with me."

Pulling him as close as possible without their faces touching he glares fiercely into Allen’s eyes. He inhales quickly and widens his eyes, the startled reaction making Kanata feel a little pleased with himself if he's honest.

It encourages him to continue and he pulls harder, taking advantage of Allen's weight to push him violently against the wall. He whines when the back of his head hits it but Kanata moves so fast he won't let him mention anything about it.

With surprising ease Kanata swings one leg over and straddles him. He doesn't lower himself, just leans on his knees and hovers above Allen's lap instead to glare down at him.

He lets go of Allen's shirt just to grab on his own hoodie, quickly slipping his arms out of it and tossing it on the floor with such force he can hear some of the papers he left on the nightstand flying around from the air flow.

"You think I can't do this, huh?"

His whisper is low when he slams his hands on each side of Allen's head against the wall and adjusts his position to climb on him closer, their bodies pressing tightly against each other.

Allen stares at him in awe, their faces just a few inches apart. There is something in his eyes Kanata wouldn't quite name fear but something that is beyond surprise. He's not moving, arms frozen on each side of him and shoulders tensed up.

"That I'm so weak,"

Kanata continues in a louder voice and grabs Allen from his bangs, forcing him to tilt his head to one side. He groans but Kanata doesn't pay attention to whether he's hurting or not and brings his lips against Allen's ear.

"So pathetic,"

He looks down. Not sparing a moment to think about it Kanata moves his body a little further away, just enough that he can lift up Allen's shirt and slip his hands under it.

"That I won't be able to take it, huh?"

Allen gasps loudly. Because of his hands, his voice against his ear or him adjusting his body against him again, he's not sure. However, it makes Kanata feel odd satisfaction as Allen doesn't seem to catch up at all what's going on.

He should've done this himself way before. This is how it should've gone - Kanata's way.

Not being able to hold it in, he lets out an annoyed grunt against Allen's ear as his hands slide lower, on his stomach, reach the fabric of his sweatpants.

His own sudden eagerness and boldness don't surprise Kanata until he spares one second to think about the whole situation. His fingers don't get further than the waistband of Allen's pants when he realizes what's about to happen.

He knows what to do, in theory, but it's different when Kanata has to be the one to go on with it. As if by reflex he flinches and momentarily pulls his hands to himself. Not knowing what to do with them he tosses away the strands of hair that got stuck on his face again. He's aware how clumsy it must have looked and tries to make it up by taking a deep breath, bringing his hands back on Allen's waist and huffing against his ear again.

Despite usually being dense, unfortunately this time the short moment of hesitance doesn't go unnoticed from Allen.

He isn't too forceful, of course he isn't, when he grabs Kanata's shoulders and cautiously pushes him away. The touch on his bare skin burns.

After that, nothing.

"C-Calm down!"

There's carefulness and a tint of something in his voice Kanata isn't very familiar with. Distress? Anxiety? Dread?

It doesn't matter.

Suddenly he doesn't feel anything. Just emptiness left inside his chest as everything gets flown away.

It's not like it's an unknown feeling. Not like he hasn't felt rejection before.

Still. It's the first time. First time Allen pushed him away like this.

Kanata slumps down to sit on Allen's thighs but he can't feel the warmth of his hands or body anymore. He looks to the side, hangs his head down and stares mostly at the wrinkled bed sheets. His lips curve into a tired smile and he can't help snorting.

Because he knew.

It makes sense, really. After all, Kanata has been the one pushing him away all this time.

Isn't this what he wanted anyway? He doesn't have to pretend to be in the middle of figuring out if he's supposed or allowed to do something like this.

Doing his best in ignoring a lump in his throat when he tries to gulp down or how his eyes sting, he blinks quickly and intensely keeps staring down. Suddenly he realizes how dark the room actually is.

"Something is wrong! You're forcing yourself, aren't you!"

Allen's shocked voice makes his head spin no matter how much he tries to not listen. He brings his hands on his ears and shakes his head.

No… You're just lying…

"Why do you think it matters whether you can or can't, shouldn't it be more important that both are enjoying it?"

He's so stupid for getting his hopes up, even more ashamed for even hoping and expecting anything in the first place. It's not for Kanata. He feels dumb, humiliated like never before.

It really is not that simple, having hope.

After all, at some point everyone will anyway…

"...say it."

He takes a quick glance at Allen. There's confusion and shock on his face when he furrows his eyebrows and tilts his head.

It makes Kanata feel dizzy and he proceeds to concentrate on taking a deep breath, trying his all to not have his trembling voice crack when he takes courage to say the truth aloud.

"You don't want this."

It's not a question.

For a moment Allen doesn't have any kind of reaction and it's way scarier than him getting mad.

"Just say so," he repeats in a quieter voice.

"W-What?" Allen finally stutters and it encourages Kanata to talk more.

"You should've said that from the beginning instead of sticking with me just because you're an idiot, trying to be a good guy or something and can't say no. It's so stupid. Pathetic. Disgusting."

He spits out each word like venom. At the same time finally getting to unleash his hatred towards Allen makes him feel a bit better, at the same time it makes him feel like someone is pressing on his chest to prevent him from breathing properly.

"What are you talking about! I wouldn't-"

"Don't play stupid!" Kanata hears himself raising his voice.

"I know! How many times do you think ive seen it! I can tell when someone is lying!"

"What the hell makes you think I'm lying! Of course I want this!"

Allen's sudden defending voice takes him aback. He shakes his head again and wraps his arms around himself. He's not sure whether his arms or hands against them feel colder.

"Don't give me that shit! Then why the fuck would you keep on doing that!?"

"Do what?!"

"Why do I even have to say it," Kanata mumbles and clicks his tongue but Allen still doesn't seem to get what he means, whether he's genuinely clueless or not.

"Hesitating! Looking down on me! Treating me like a weakling!"

He probably should already give up, just shut his mouth and leave. Yet, something prevents him from doing that, no matter how unpleasant the whole situation is.

"I really hate that about you. You'll wait until I'm ready? That's just a stupid excuse!"

"Kanata, you're being troublesome right now, just listen-"

"I KNOW I AM!"

Kanata's furious yell makes Allen shut up immediately. His voice gets faster and more panicked by every word.

"Then just leave me! Leave me alone if you can't handle it. Didn't you hear me!? I hate you, I HATE YOU!"

Silence.

Kanata's vision is blurry and spinning but he keeps on trying his best to look down at the sheets. He would probably completely lose it if he saw Allen's face right now.

"I-" Allen tries carefully.

"I-I didn't mean… Kanata-"

His voice sounds desperate and a bit scared when he reaches out to put his hand reassuringly on Kanata's shoulder. Kanata jumps further away and shakes him off.

"Don’t touch me," he hisses coldly and squeezes his arms tighter around his trembling body. "I'm not fucking weak. I'm not going to break."

It doesn't sound convincing - most of all to Kanata himself.

It's pure logic, just common sense, to not be able to tolerate all this. All of him.

Would things be different if he was stronger?

Even without looking directly at him he can see how Allen by instinct tries to reach Kanata's shoulder again, only to quickly pull his hand back. It makes Kanata feel even more terrible than the actual touch would. It doesn't matter, it's also his fault anyway.

"Just say it."

It's not going to work.

"Just say it already! And this stupid playing around will be over."

Allen stays silent. It doesn't surprise him but he can't really blame him. After all, Kanata is just a coward who can't even put an end to this himself.

"...Are you serious?"

Kanata's fingers flinch when he hears Allen's quiet, deep voice. It's not quite the tone he expected and he accidentally raises his head without thinking about the consequences.

"That this is just playing around?"

Allen has his back against the wall, head tilted a little on the side as he looks at Kanata from above.

He was prepared to see an upset, maybe pitying expression looking down at him. One that's easy to get annoyed at.

What he finds instead is sharp red eyes staring straight into Kanata's. A serious, scary look on his face. One that Kanata has seen only once before - when he called cozmez's music fake and threatened to quit music.

The memory makes the tightness in his chest unbearable.

"If my feelings don't matter to you, if all of this has been just a silly game to you the whole time… Isn’t it you who doesn’t want this?"

Kanata wants to shout like back then but barely manages to gasp for air when he opens his mouth and stares eyes widened.

"Just-"

The intense atmosphere around Allen breaks at the same time as his voice cracks. He quickly turns his head away and hides his face under an arm. He breathes against it, short gasps coming out unsteady as he tries to form words.

"I have my own problems too! But if anything I’m serious! I wouldn’t do this if I wasn’t serious!"

He lowers his arm a little but keeps looking away. His voice is desperate, stupidly so, enough that it should make Kanata snort and throw another insult at him.

"You know, I never even dared to hope I'd get this close to you,” Allen stutters out. “Do you have any idea how happy I was that day when- Fuck…"

His voice cracks again and the uncomfortable feeling in Kanata's chest keeps getting worse. He stares horrified at Allen trying his best to hide his face behind his hand and sniffling quietly against it.

Happy. That word again. He had said the same that day, too. When all of this started.

Kanata hasn't allowed himself to think a lot about it, yet sometimes it invades his head and he has to remind himself to not fall for it.

Happy. Someone like him. Someone like him who already has everything. Except his dream - the only win Kanata took from him.

It doesn't make sense and the lies thrown straight at Kanata's face makes him feel sick. Even if it wasn't a lie it doesn't take away the fact that Kanata hasn't done anything worthy of making him happy, and probably never will be capable of making.

"But you never say anything, how would I be able to know what you mean?"

Allen's uncertain voice cuts Kanata from his thoughts and makes him mutter whatever words form on his lips.

"See, can't you hear yourself? Stop blaming me. That's not my problem, figure it out yourself."

"I'm not blaming you! Are you purposely trying to make me the bad guy here!" Allen's frustration turning into a firmer tone makes an unpleasant chill go down Kanata's spine.

"I'm trying to say it's not your fault but it's not my fault either! That's not..what this is about…"

"You're the one who started putting words into my mouth in the first place!"

"Kanata, please…"

For a while neither says anything, both facing each other but avoiding eye contact by gazing down. There's just hard breathing, different from their earlier gasps, echoing in the room.

The warmth, the hotness, the touches and how they held each other feel so distant already even when only minutes have passed. Although he's sitting on Allen's lap even now, it doesn’t feel the same. It doesn't feel like anything.

It's not very surprising who's the one breaking the silence, yet the desperate, quiet voice makes Kanata shiver.

"...I also have hardships and I… I-I can't take it when I don't understand what I did wrong or when you're serious and when not. I just don’t know what to do anymore…"

Kanata can't see properly but it seems like Allen brings a hand on his mouth to prevent a sob coming out louder than it does. He probably wouldn't be able to handle seeing the expression Kanata is the cause for.

"I wanna respect your need of space and take it slowly. I don't wanna pressure you to do anything but I keep and keep on doing things wrong. It’s so frustrating but just… I just don’t understand."

No… No, that's…

'That’s-! T-That’s exactly what you do!" Kanata finds himself yelling instead. "I don’t need any of your pity! And I’m not gonna change my mind over a few patchetic tears. Aren’t you embarrassed?"

"I’m not crying!" Allen quickly wipes his face in his sleeve in embarrassment.

"I have always hated that about you! Why do you think I need your sympathy! Why do you think I can't manage!?"

"It has nothing to do with that!"

It takes him off guard when Allen raises his voice again. Kanata feels like he has lost once again when Allen moves his hand off his face and properly looks at Kanata again. He can only lower his head, hang it down pathetically and squeeze his eyes shut.

"It’s normal to worry, to care about the person who’s important to you, right!? Aren't you the same!"

Kanata can't help gasping at how shamelessly he's able to say things like that - it annoys the hell out of him. He grits his teeth and shakes his head.

"Don't say gross things! This and that are completely different! It has nothing to do with-"

"So why can’t you just let yourself be taken care of, Kanata?"

He flinches at the call of his name. The voice comes out closer and it's low, soft and all in all too disgustingly affectionate.

"L-Like I said that's…!"

He can't come up with anything.

"Mmh. It's fine. I get it already."

Allen's gentle voice sounds like it was slowed down and muffled, as if he was talking outside a box in which Kanata has hidden himself into.

He knows. It's how it was supposed to go. So why does he feel a sting in his chest?

"I don’t need anything in return then. I just want to keep on liking you and caring about you. That’s all I’m asking for."

Kanata doesn't want to but can't stop himself from lifting up his head warily and trying to focus his eyes on Allen.

He's smiling. A stupid, desperate smile as he looks down at Kanata with glossy eyes.

Get mad.

He doesn't. It would be so much easier if he was angry, yelled, kicked Kanata out, said he doesn't want to see him. But he doesn't. He never does.

Kanata didn't realize how tightly he's been squeezing his arms until his hold loosens and his hands slump down on his sides against the bed.

A natural reaction from him would be to scream curses at Allen, glare furiously and shake him until he takes his words back, until it feels like there's some other reason for this outcome - some other than Kanata.

He can't do it.

Because it's right, Allen’s right. Kanata can't give anything in return.

It's useless, meaningless. Fake.

"Why…"

There's a lot he wants to ask but nothing else comes out.

Allen furrows his brows at Kanata's quiet voice and tilts his head in a way he probably didn't either hear, understand or both.

"Why..should I believe you."

He shifts restlessly in his place, making Kanata who's still sitting on top of him having to move along. If it happened earlier the same night it most likely would feel way more awkward.

"I… I know it might not sound believable since I’ve already asked for so much," Allen says and rubs his neck. "But this time I really-"

"Not that."

He stops moving but still looks at Kanata as if he was talking in a different language. He doesn't really want to continue, yet either can decide if another misunderstanding or Allen knowing the truth would be scarier.

"Why would you bother to…"

Slowly, finally, something seems to start clicking together based on how Allen widens his eyes and slightly opens his mouth in shock. It makes Kanata’s breath stop and he has to look away, a hand finding its way to tightly press on his mouth.

In the most quiet, broken, weak voice which Kanata hates so much it makes him feel sick, he says something he's been thinking for long, been wanting to ask since day one.

"Why…me."

It's a whisper, something between a gasp and a whine, so hoarse that Kanata already regrets it and wishes Allen couldn't hear him. He tries to bring his shaking hands on his shoulders again but when he does, it makes him feel like he must look even more vulnerable. He doesn't know what to do, how to run away, and his head spins, vision blurs, all he can hear is own rough breaths and heart drumming painfully in his chest.

It happens so fast that this time Kanata is the one who doesn’t have time to react.

Arms around him that aren't his own, a firm but gentle hold keeping him so close to the warmth it feels like his body is melting.

There were no questions, no asking eyes, no worried expression full of uncertainty and hesitance.

The sigh is still a bit shaky but comes out steadier, a deep breath after another against Kanata's ear. Hands move slowly on his back and head in a caressing manner which Kanata should hate. Perhaps it left him too stunned to - the hands that touch him without permission.

The hold tightens, pulling Kanata closer into the embrace.

"……….let go."

It comes out unintentionally, by reflex, merely because he's so baffled and confused he doesn't know anything else.

"No."

It's enough to make Kanata’s heart dance a little.

"I’m sorry."

The whisper in Kanata's ear is careful yet not as worried or uncertain as his earlier apologies.

"I’m sorry for not realizing."

He's not sure if he gets it, he's not sure if even Allen himself gets what he's saying.

For a moment, weirdly, Kanata doesn't seem to care too much. For a moment he finds his body relaxing, his hands loosening their grip and his forehead resting on Allen’s shoulder.

They stay like that for a while. Just breathing in each other while Allen's hand keeps on petting Kanata's hair in a calming way.

"...No matter how many times."

The voice is still soft but surprising enough to make Kanata's body jump. Allen takes time trying to find more words and catch his breath and Kanata wonders who's heart might be beating faster.

The gentle hands slide from his back on the sides of his head and slowly, so slowly move Kanata away from his shoulder. Finding their way to cup Kanata's cheeks, Allen raises his head up and gives him no other choices than to look at him.

His face is close, ridiculously so. Just teasingly far enough that their foreheads aren't quite touching, just far enough that he's able to stare into Kanata's eyes.

He doesn't want to be seen in this state but even when it makes him feel uneasy Kanata can't find himself to move. As if one little movement could be the last straw, be the final reason to ruin everything forever. He can only pout a little, stare back into Allen’s still a bit damp eyes and listen.

He purses his lips, closes his eyes and concentrates to take a deep breath. Kanata almost expects him to lean in but instead he opens his eyes and continues talking in a bit of a nervous but serious tone.

"No matter how many times. For every bad word you say about yourself, I'm gonna-" he pauses for a second.

"I-I'm gonna say a hundred things I like about you. Hundred things why you’re amazing. Actually, I won’t stop until you believe me."

His heart probably stopped right now.

He can’t hear anything anymore, all of the outside world vanishing around him.

For a moment he sees nothing but red.

However, it's not the red he's the most used to. Not the aggressive red that appears in his line of vision those times when fury, rage, dread and hate are the only emotions he's able to specify.

Another kind of red. Glowing red, one that sparks and spreads, red fire that burns but doesn't hurt.

The red flame he's already a bit too familiar with.

He's smiling again. Perhaps it's a bit shy and awkward but it's not a sad or desperate smile anymore. His thumbs keep on caressing his cheeks and his fingertips feel hot on his ears. Kanata should hate it, yet still remains frozen in his place.

"So just, please. Let me care about you."

Kanata tries to search for it again. He tries and tries and tries but can't see it in his eyes. There’s only determination and warmth.

The blush appearing on Allen's face competes with the red color in his eyes and hair, ruining momentarily his attempts to look serious.

It's as it should be. How could Kanata ever come up with anything to say after hearing something like that? He isn't sure if he's closer to throwing up or passing out but most of all he just wants to disappear.

He's too much. He has always been. Too much for Kanata to handle.

Somehow, for some reason, it's always Kanata who keeps losing.

"You really are an idiot," he can't help the small huff of laughter coming out. He's grateful for Allen getting a little further away, maybe not enough for Kanata to turn his head to look in another direction but for now it will do.

"Mmh…"

Allen smiles again, like the cheater he is. It doesn't really matter anymore. It doesn't matter if Kanata looks down or closes his eyes - he has already lost.

"I think I already said it."

Kanata opens his eyes slightly and tilts his head in confusion.

"That I can't help it," his voice gets a little more quiet and the flush on his cheeks turns into a deeper red color if possible.

"That I just like you so much. So I can't help it."

An idiot probably isn't enough to describe him. Yet some annoying part of Kanata secretly hopes he will never stop being an idiot.

Maybe he is a bit of an idiot himself as well. To let his own face heat up over something like this.

"...don’t look."

His voice sounds mortifyingly tiny even to his own ears when he tries to hide his face with the back of his hand. He turns his head a little to look down but Allen doesn't pull away.

"Why not?" He tilts his head and gives a small, soft laugh. Kanata wonders if it's just him who hears affection over amusement in it.

Allen's hands slide into his hair, gently moving the strands that have gotten disheveled on his face behind his ears. The sudden movement, the warmth of Allen's fingers, his own hair tickling his bare neck make another shiver go down his spine.

"...cause I look pathetic," he mumbles and has to press his hand tighter against his face in an attempt to hide better, hoping Allen isn't looking too much.

At first Allen doesn't say anything, just takes in a long shaky breath with his eyes closed. Perhaps he seems a little disappointed and Kanata would feel much worse about it if he didn't suddenly open his mouth again.

"I love your music!"

"Wha-"

It's all what he manages to say in confusion before Allen grabs him by his shoulders and cuts him off by continuing.

"The songs you make are truly amazing! It's because it's Kanata's music, no one else would be able to make songs like that! It's the sound, the feeling, the passion mixed with the lyrics full of meaning! It's all what music is about, it's real hip hop. It's what makes it art - you're art Kanata! And that's why-"

"What, w-wait wait!? What are you suddenly-"

"Hm? I still have ninety-nine things left."

He feels how his whole face heats up again, burns from embarrassment and humiliation alone. Yet, he's so flabbergasted he doesn't know where to even start. It doesn't help that Allen seems to be way too serious about it despite the redness still hasn't vanished from his cheeks.

"Huh? What the hell are you talking about!? Besides, how's that just one!"

"If I counted it as more than one I could easily reach a hundred things I like just about your music!" He says it in a tone that makes it sound like his reasoning should be obvious.

"S-Shut up!"

It doesn't sound as angry as Kanata wished it would. But how on earth should he ever be able to come up with something better to say to such idiocy?

"I-I," he stutters. "I didn't say that cause I expected you'd really say, or like, start listing-! T-That doesn’t even count!?"

"It does."

The sudden calmer voice makes Kanata jump a little on his place and the hold on his shoulders tightens.

"It does. Because you look beautiful."

Allen's first reaction seems to be hiding so quickly his hand makes a slapping sound against his face - either because he's embarrassed, or he's expecting Kanata to smack him and therefore tries to defend himself.

Surprisingly enough to even himself, he doesn't.

He feels somewhat the same way he did when he heard the word 'happy'. However, he can't even find himself getting mad as confusion is a stronger feeling than anger or embarrassment this time.

He knows what it means, of course, but it makes so little sense he needs time to process.

It shouldn't be positive, at least.

He doesn't spare a lot of thoughts about his appearance after all. Sure he has his own sense of style he enjoys showing off but it's mostly because he knows Nayuta enjoys it even more.

Nayuta's fashion sense is the best, without a doubt. He makes Kanata look good. That's right, he has heard it from his brother: "Wow, Kanata you look so cool!" or "It makes you look amazing!"

But, beautiful.

Right now, he's wearing only a tanktop and jeans. It can't have anything to do with clothes.

It's something he has never heard, never given a thought to, never associated himself with. Therefore, he doesn't know whether he should accept it or take it as Allen mocking him. If he was prepared he could come up with a better reaction, however it has to be the first time Allen has commented on Kanata's appearance to begin with. He doesn't know what to do besides staring dumbfounded.

The silence Allen gets for an answer seems to make him dare to take a small peek behind his hand. He doesn't move it much, just lowering it a bit and holding it against his mouth instead.

He looks away from Kanata again but weirdly enough seems to take Kanata's expressionless staring as a safe sign to continue.

"Um, uh… Earlier, too…" Allen mumbles, his voice shaking like never before. "Sorry, I lied…"

It makes Kanata furrow his eyebrows. He doesn't like the possibilities where this might be going.

"I, um, when I said I was looking at your phantometal… I… wasn't. I was looking at you."

Kanata blinks.

No, he can't keep up with him. It's apparently pointless to try to predict what might be the next thing coming out of this guy's mouth.

Allen was looking at him. Not just because he happened to, not just for the sake of it. He was looking at Kanata. He was looking at Kanata because he thinks he's…

Maybe it finally hits him. The realization.

"That-! D-Doesn't make me a bit happy…!?"

"I know, I'm sorry!" Allen whines louder and hides behind both of his hands this time. "It was too weird! Please forget everything I said…"

Perhaps he's still too stunned to get properly angry like he should. Allen hiding behind his hands is a small relief, Kanata quickly needs something to cover his own face with. It would be mortifying to let Allen see him now.

Suddenly he's way too aware of their position too. God, just what was he thinking when he decided to climb on his lap like this. But would trying to get off now just make things worse?

It's no use.

Shifting a little he fixes his position to make it easier to get closer. Allen moves his hands away from his face which rushes Kanata to move before he looks at him. He rests his jaw between Allen's neck and shoulder, his forehead almost leaning against the wall.

"You’re. Seriously," Kanata's fists lighty hit his shoulders at every word. "The biggest. Idiot. I know."

"I hear that a lot," Allen lets out a soft laugh but it doesn’t sound like he's too offended. His hands slide on his back again, making Kanata’s fists stop and rest on his shoulders instead.

Kanata's eyes sting from shame and he tries to squeeze them shut before the tears fall. He has already shown way too many patchetic sides of himself already.

The only thing that helps a little is that maybe he's not alone showing an uncool side of him. Holding back his tears reminds him of the sight of Allen with damp eyes, his fruitless efforts trying to fight sobs coming out.

"Hey," his mouth suddenly acts before his mind does. Allen hums a confused answer and Kanata sighs - he can't back off anymore, can he?

It's not that he's worried or concerned. He's not really sure why he's interested and, above everything, why should he ask such a thing in the first place.

"Why were you crying?"

"Eh? Huh?"

He sounds genuinely surprised. Kanata wonders if it's because he's showing interest or because Allen didn't expect Kanata to remind him about that.

"I-! I said I wasn't crying..!"

"You definitely were."

"That was just…! The sweat of my heart…"

"What the hell does that even mean."

Allen groans at Kanata's small laughter. Weirdly, it makes his chest feel warm.

"Uh, I don't know… Maybe it happens when I’m frustrated, or something."

Kanata’s tiny smile disappears and is replaced with a frown. He doesn’t fully get it, yet somewhat he can relate.

He would be lying if he claimed he never cries. He does.

He cried when he looked at Nayuta back then. He felt helpless. Scared. Angry. His blood still starts to boil when he thinks about the hell he and Nayuta were forced to go through. How he couldn’t give his brother what he needed.

He cried when Nayuta wasn’t there. He doesn’t know why. It didn’t help. He couldn’t feel anything anymore either way.

He cried again looking at Nayuta when he thought he would never see him again. Because it was a relief? Because he was happy? He doesn’t know why exactly but he’s sure the cause is never as simple as just sadness or happiness.

Therefore, he can relate.

"You know… Um, I’m kinda afraid I can’t explain myself well. So, it’s frustrating."

Kanata can feel his hands shaking a little against his back. He hums for an answer. It’s weird. He sort of wants to hear what Allen has to say.

"I’m often told so. That I can’t read the air," he continues. He sounds nervous but somehow in a little different way than earlier.

"I don’t wanna be suffocating but I’m still sometimes wondering if I'm causing trouble for you. It’s…" He gulps down and gasps in search of more words.

Something about it is unusual. As if he’s trying hard to not say things he shouldn’t, yet something forcing him to. Being as persistent as ever, apparently.

Something about the strange atmosphere around Allen makes Kanata almost want to encourage him. Of course he wouldn't but he doesn’t interrupt him either. His fingers lightly grip the fabric of Allen’s shirt.

"I-It’s a thing I’m not doing on purpose b-but, uh, I can’t help it. And I’m…afraid of ruining things because I can’t understand and keep doing things wrong," he continues talking, obvious nervousness in his shaking voice.

"Hahah… Maybe I really am an idiot."

Perhaps he’s trying to make the atmosphere lighter by laughing. But to Kanata he sounds miserable.

He feels a sting in his heart. He doesn’t feel too good about it.

After all, he hasn’t thought about it this way. He didn’t expect he could have things in his mind that aren’t even that far from Kanata's own.

It absolutely is Allen’s fault. Coming across more and more things that make Kanata uneasy, if not to the lengths of feeling anxious. Getting feelings and sensations he isn’t familiar with. Thinking about unnecessary things, spending time on useless stuff, finding himself longing for something he knows he shouldn’t.

Everything is his fault. But not like this. Not the way he thinks.

Kanata's fingers lose their grip and he rests them lightly against Allen's shoulders. He bits his lips and slowly raises his head to carefully look at Allen.

Allen gasps a little and his hands flinch on Kanata's back. But he doesn't look away.

"......’s fine."

The words form on his lips, coming out as a soft sigh.

Allen widens his eyes a little, his expression changing to something between surprised and asking.

Kanata tilts his head a little and looks away. His hand moves to run through his hair as he tries to hide his face behind it. It's not easy to continue talking when he knows Allen's full attention is on him. He bites his lip again and tries to mumble something.

"......sorry."

For asking? For not understanding? He doesn't know and he's not sure at all why he's letting his guard down like this.

"Kanata…"

"Ughh, shut up already, stop making everything such a big deal. It's annoying as fuck."

His face heats up again. It's also Allen's fault. Making him say something like this, calling his name in that fond voice…

The hands on his back move, making sure to not touch Kanata's bare skin but taking a little firmer hold as they slide lower. If he's honest it's actually much worse.

"Me too. Sorry," Allen continues in the same tone and lightly shakes his head. "For suddenly glomping you like this."

Kanata's cheeks feel even warmer as he uses his fingers to hastily comb through his hair. Allen didn't have to remind about how they're still sitting, even holding each other. It feels way too awkward and he wants to move. However, by now Kanata knows exactly how Allen would interpret him getting off. So he has no choice but to keep sitting on his thighs, hoping he doesn't weigh too much and that Allen won't move under him. As if mocking him, Kanata's heart starts beating faster again.

"About that," he says and sighs. "You don't always have to do that."

"Eh?"

Kanata takes a glimpse at Allen. He raises his eyebrows in a way which makes it too obvious that he has no idea what Kanata is talking about. He can't help rolling his eyes and grunting at how stupidly oblivious he is.

"You don’t have to apologize and ask about every single thing. It’s annoying and…" he mutters quietly. "…embarrassing."

To his horror Allen begins to move under him like the idiot he is. It's because he probably feels as awkward as Kanata, or at least he should feel, and nervously tries to fix his position. Realizing he can't shift a lot when Kanata is on him he decides to rub his neck instead.

"Ask about..? You mean…?"

"You know what I mean."

Kanata takes his hands to himself and fumbles his fingers, looking away from Allen's face and focusing on the shirt that peeks under the collar of his hoodie instead. It makes him wonder how he didn't notice he's wearing something underneath, even when just a while ago his hands were momentarily touching his skin under it.

His face burns even hotter. Why did he think about that. Not even a lot of time has passed but it feels like it didn't even happen.

It's not the first time they've touched each other, yet Kanata can't remember ever going that far before. Hell, even sitting on Allen's lap feels weird and new. But somehow, maybe, when the atmosphere is right, would he be able to touch him like that again? Would Allen let him continue then?

Catching himself thinking about unnecessary things again he quickly shakes his head. No matter where he keeps his hands, right now it feels stupid and he can’t decide what to do with them.

Allen shifts again a little, this time only to bring his hands down but clearly making sure he won't brush them against Kanata's thighs. Is it annoying or better that way, he can't decide.

"That's…"

A part of him wants to know what kind of face Allen's making while looking away from Kanata but having their eyes possibly meeting still feels too much.

"I'd like to ask anyway."

After hearing a smile in his voice, as if he just didn't decide to not look at Allen, he still does.

There it is - his awkward, shy smile.

"Huh? I said there's no need."

"Mmh. I just wanna make sure. Is that okay..?"

Kanata sighs again. What can he do, really. He still doesn't understand what Allen himself gets from it but at this point it feels easier to just let Allen ask whatever stupid questions than have another debate over it.

"Ugh," Kanata groans and ruffles his hair with his hand. "Whatever," he clicks his tongue and pouts. Maybe he knows he can't win this one without proper reasoning, and there's no way he would open his thoughts on the matter more.

"Maybe I sound kinda selfish," Allen chuckles. "But I just want to."

His hands chase Kanata's and their fingers slightly brush, giving him time to decide whether he allows Allen to take hold of his hands or not. He shouldn't. He does.

"It's not just that either," Allen clearly smiles wider when squeezing Kanata's hands. "I'm not doing any of this just because I believe it's what you need or want or something like that. I just want to. And I hope you feel the same. Like, doing this because you want to. Does…it make sense?"

Does it? Kanata should be the one asking that. He doesn't know if he's in this situation because it's what he wanted. He doesn't know why he's doing this in the first place.

"Maybe it's a bit selfish but… I think a bit of selfishness is just normal."

Logically thinking it should be selfishness, yet something about Allen’s determination makes it difficult to be upset.

Why?

Why is he going to such lengths? Why does he want this so much?

"That's why, Kanata. You should be more selfish sometimes, too."

Kanata looks down at his hands Allen is holding and bits his lip when he squeezes them again. The back of his hands rest on his own thighs while Allen gently caresses his wrists with his fingers, still being careful to not touch anything else. It makes Kanata curious what it would feel like if his own hands weren't between Allen's and his thighs.

He closes his eyes and sighs.

It's another unnecessary thing he shouldn't think about. Yet… Is this part of it? Should he do something about it?

He doesn't understand. He's too tired to try to understand, too.

Being selfish - how? For who? He's the complete opposite of Allen and already knows he can't do what Allen does. He doesn't desire doing so, either.

"Are you okay with this?"

His own voice surprises Kanata a little. It comes out softer than he wanted, making the doubt show too well through it. He squints his eyes at their hands and can't help brushing his fingertips against Allen's wrists the same way he does on his, maybe just not as visibly.

"Hm?"

"…I won't be able to give anything in return."

Allen seems to tilt his head from side to side and doesn't answer right away. It makes Kanata feel nervous. Maybe he has some doubts after all.

"If that was the case, I wonder… But I think you have already given plenty. And I'm sure you'll be giving from now on too. So don't worry about it!"

I'm not worried…

His cheeks feel a bit warm.

"…I won't talk. Not like you."

"Ah, well, I guess I wish you'd open your mouth more. But don't think too much about it. You do it your way. It's because it's Kanata after all."

He chuckles again. Kanata would take that as him mocking him, yet what makes it worse is his stupid, genuine sounding laugh and it's more difficult to tell whether he's being serious or not.

"You…don't seem convinced," he continues in a bit more uncertain tone. Kanata clicks his tongue again and just pouts at his words, keeping his eyes down.

"Hmm.. I like you."

All heat rushes to Kanata's face immediately and without much thought he lifts up his head.

"W-Wha-!?"

He's red in the face as well. To Kanata it looks like he's trying to avert eye contact but at the same time trying hard to not look away. His lips are pressed into a thin line as he attempts to look serious. Everything combined he ends up looking just ridiculous and Kanata would probably laugh at his face if he wasn't feeling so ashamed himself.

"Why you, s-suddenly-!?"

It gets worse the more he tries to talk since the only thing that comes out is stuttering. It makes him look so dumb but he can't help it. Not when Allen once again caught him completely off guard.

"It's getting kinda embarrassing for me how much you need to hear it," Allen laughs awkwardly a little, finally turning his head away from Kanata.

Is he making fun of him? Teasing him? Blaming him? Whatever it is, it's annoying as hell.

"T-The fuck, I don't need to-"

What should he say. If Allen really means it it's possibly just worse than teasing. Kanata can't stand his genuineness. Especially can't stand how it makes his chest feel warm.

He wants to correct him but what should he say without ruining anything.

Return.

Is there anything he could say in return?

He can't think of anything. Kanata can't talk, after all.

"...just, shut up."

It's not a hug. It wasn't supposed to be one either, he just needed to do something. Mostly to cover his face.

Allen's fingers flinch a little but apart from that he doesn't move when Kanata presses his head against his chest. The position is uncomfortable but it's better than pressing his forehead on him or properly wrapping his arms around his neck or something. Perhaps a part of him tries to stop the other part making him want to do those exact things.

Allen moves his hands a little. Kanata doesn't know if he's even trying to move them away but takes a bit firmer hold around his wrists just in case. It causes Allen to gasp sharply.

Kanata takes a deep breath in and shifts a little. Not much, in fact as little as it's possible to get closer without being too visible about it. Kanata pulls him closer, making sure he's not going to run away again. Not that he could in the first place when his back is tightly pressed against the wall and Kanata keeps him locked between his thighs.

He closes his eyes. It's starting to feel a bit too much again. It makes him want to fix his position but when he tries to, it somehow makes the tension worse. Not moving his head away from Allen's chest he turns to look away a little.

Light hits his face. It's not that bright but as it's the only light source in the dark room it feels bright enough to crack his eyes open a little. Probably both have already gotten used to the white light around the room, the computer screen spreading it already long forgotten.

Kanata squints his eyes at the screen. It's still at 100%. Of course it is, what else could it be.

"Hey," he says quietly.

"It's still not ready. The song."

Allen moves a little, probably tries to look at him but from this angle it's quite impossible.

"Huh?"

Just like Kanata, based on his surprised tone it sounds like he has forgotten about the song a long time ago.

"Ah, oh yeah. No, I'm pretty sure the rendering is ready at this point."

Kanata bits his lip. He has an idea, yet it's difficult to actually put it into action.

"Not that," he tries carefully. "I'm talking about the whole thing."

Allen doesn't say anything. Whether it's because he doesn't understand or can't come up with anything to say, it encourages Kanata to lift up his head slowly.

He flinches when Kanata looks at him, the red eyes widening a little and lips pressed together tightly. But he doesn't look away.

Kanata can't help smirking a bit.

"We're gonna finish, right?"

Allen blinks. He opens his mouth a little, perhaps trying to say something but still not knowing what. Kanata feels pleased with himself, being able to set off a reaction like that.

He's so close. So close he can almost feel his breath on his face.

So close he can almost…

"After all…"

His whisper is low and quiet when he shifts a little closer and slides his hands off Allen's hold. It makes Allen's hands fall on his thighs but Kanata refuses to flinch. Maybe he was prepared since this time he won't allow Allen to move away.

He reaches up, hands finding their way to Allen's face. His cheeks feel warm. It makes him want to feel more of it.

Lifting up his body a little he gets on the same eye level with him. Close enough that it's easy to close his eyes, too easy to lean in and carefully press his lips against Allen's.

He makes a small surprised noise at the touch and Kanata can't help smiling a bit against his lips.

As expected, the warmth spreads through his whole body. It's as addicting as always but he can't let himself be swallowed by it. Not yet, at least.

Slowly, he moves away. Not much, just enough to examine Allen better while keeping his hands on his face. He looks even more stunned than before and his cheeks glow in red. He only opens his mouth with the intention of saying something but Kanata speaks before Allen manages to.

"After all……I'm not a guy who leaves things unfinished."

Kanata kisses him again.