Chapter Text
With the clock ticking loudly in Louis' ears, he adjusted his jeans. Small butterflies danced around in his stomach, and his throat tightened. He didn't want to go to class today. Okay, that's an understatement. He didn't want to go to class ever.
"God, I can't wear these! I look so fat!" He groaned as he unzipped the denim.
"What are you talking about? You're so fit!" His roommate, Zayn, disagreed. "You look great in those." He winked.
Ah, Zayn. They've been roommates since Freshman year. Truth be told, he was Louis's sanity.
"Oh, stop your drooling! I appreciate the effort to make me feel better. I should probably change."
"No time, I'm afraid. You're going to be late for class if you don't get a move on!" Zayn said as he playfully pushed his roommate out of the door. "Lunch at 1:00?" He yelled down the hall. "And zip those up!"
"Same place as always!" Louis retorted as he blushed.
Walking across campus, he let out a heavy sigh. He knew his college classes were coming to an end soon and he wasn't sure where life would take him. Would he and Zayn be able to maintain their friendship when college was over? Would he find a decent job? Would he be able to finally settle down and show interest in a relationship? He wasn't sure. All he knew is that he needed to get to class.
He placed his messenger bag on the floor as he observed the other students in the classroom. Instantly, he thought it was a bad idea to enroll in this class. To his dismay, Zayn suggested he sign up for creative writing in hopes he could be around others who share his passion, but Louis knew that none of these would fit the bill. He didn't mean to be so judgmental, but he couldn't help it.
"Hello, class. I will be your Creative Writing instructor. I would like you to go around the room and introduce yourselves if you don't mind. I'll start. I'm Mr. Cowell. I've been teaching for about two decades and I look forward to reading your pieces."
Louis's mind didn't stay in the present. He instead wondered if he should drop this elective or not and tell Zayn it was lame. Yet, in the middle of his daytime slumber, the door opened.
Walking in clumsily almost dropping his belongings to the floor was a tall, slender body with long curly hair. Louis tried to avoid contact with him. It was most of those moments in life where you find yourself nervous because you feel unworthy of so much beauty.
"Sorry I'm late," The voice rushed in with a red glow on his cheeks. Mr. Cowell instructed him to introduce himself by pointing a finger. "Um...My name is Harry....uh...I am a junior and a Music major." The boy quickly said as he slumped into his desk. Louis was surprised at how deep this man's voice was.
"Nice to meet you, Harry. You?" Mr. Cowell asked, pointing at Louis who was too busy admiring Harry to answer. "Hello?" Mr. Cowell asked again as the class giggled.
Louis suddenly snapped back to reality as his face turned red. "Oh. I'm Louis. I am a junior and an English major." He blushed. He swore he saw Harry give him a sweet smile.
"Nice to have class with you again, Mr. Tomlinson. For your first writing prompt, I want you all to think about what you struggle with the most and turn it into a poem. On Thursday, we will sit in a circle and critique the piece."
Louis could feel his heart beating out of his chest. He did not know that the requirements for the class would be to share his writing with others. He knew then that he was going to drop the course. He could not possibly share his innermost thoughts with a classroom full of people. Just the thought of it was sending his body into a panic.
Suddenly, Louis felt as if he couldn't breathe. His face became flushed and students rushed around him. Mr. Cowell sighed as he saw this before.
"It's alright, it's alright. Everyone please remain seated. Louis, can you hear me?" He asked but Louis could not answer him.
Concerned, Harry got up out of his seat and took Louis' hand, and guided him out into the hallway.
"Hey?" Harry said he placed his hands-on Louis' shoulders. "Just listen to my voice. You are walking on the beach. You can feel the sand between your toes. To your left, you can see seagulls. To your right, you can see folded-out chairs and children playing. Straight ahead is the ocean. You walk toward the ocean and dip your feet into the cold water...."
Suddenly, Louis began coughing before he let out a deep breath and sighed back into reality. He tried to run away but Harry placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright. You were having a panic attack. I used mindfulness to bring you back. You ok?" Harry calmly asked as Louis slid his back down to the floor using the wall as a guide.
"Well besides dying of embarrassment, I am okay now. How did you know to do that?" Louis questioned as Harry slumped down on the floor as well.
"I used to have them too. My social anxiety used to be terrible. My psychiatrist taught me how to snap out of them." He simply stated. "We should get back into the classroom, huh?" Harry stood up as he reached his hand out for Louis to grab.
"Thanks. I think I'm going to drop it."
"Well that's too bad," Harry winked as he opened the door to the classroom. Louis decided to sit down in the hallway for the remainder of the class.
"Zayn, I made a fool of myself today," Louis said as he stabbed the lettuce on his plate with a fork.
"How?" He asked as he dipped his fries in ketchup.
"I had a panic attack in creative writing. I think I'm going to drop it." He said, taking another bite of his salad.
"Why? I think it'll be good to face your social anxiety."
"Well we have to read our writings out loud and there is this guy..." Louis stated as Zayn's smile grew with excitement.
"A guy? Do tell!"
"He's so tall, like you don't even know. He has the most gorgeous green eyes I've ever seen in my life. His hair is so full, and the color of chestnuts and I know he's a great person because he helped me calm down...." Louis trailed off.
"And you want to drop the class because of this stunning creature I NEED to see for myself?" He questioned. Zayn was not into men like Louis was, but he wanted to be supportive of his friend.
"I was going to drop it before the guy came in but that just makes me even more anxious. I made a fool of myself at the first-class meeting," He groaned. "I think I'm going to go to the registrar's office and drop the class after lunch."
"No. I won't allow it! I made you sign up for this class to face your fear and I will not allow you to drop it. You are seeing it through!" Zayn insisted. "Now, eat more of your salad. I don't want you to relapse again!" He demanded.
"I won't, Zayn. I've been in remission for almost 2 semesters." Louis said as he played with his food. Sometimes, the urge to not eat did come back, but he would never share that with Zayn.
"Then eat." He simply stated as he fed Louis a fry and smiled when he swallowed it.
As Louis stood up to throw his food away, a gorgeous face suddenly brushed his shoulder.
"I'm sorry!" The voice said out of habit. "Oh, hey again Louis."
"Hi," He mustered up the confidence to say. "What are you doing here?"
"I was just going to get some lunch," Harry replied.
Zayn watched with intense interest. He knew that this must be the man that Louis was speaking of. He had to keep his giggling to a minimum.
"What about you?" Harry awkwardly asked.
"I was going to throw away my salad...." Louis said as his face grew red. Zayn knew he had to intervene.
"What he meant was, that he was trading in his salad for carbs. Do you have anyone to sit with?" He questioned looking at Harry pulling out of a chair.
"No. Are you offering?" Harry asked.
Louis glared at Zayn who shrugged. Louis had a plan in mind to go to the restroom and purge all the food he ate, including the French fry Zayn made him eat.
"Yes. You two have a seat and catch up. I'll go and get you the cafeteria special," Zayn beamed winking at Louis.
"So, is that your boy-friend?" Harry asked casually. He did not want to appear too invasive.
"Who? Zayn?" Louis questioned giggling. "Oh no! That's just my best friend. We've been roommates since Freshman year."
"I saw him feeding you," Harry laughed as he sighed in relief.
"Oh yeah. He worries about my appetite for some reason," Louis said playing dumb. "He's straight. All the girls swoon over him everywhere we go."
"And they, don't you?" Harry asked, surprised.
"If they do, I don't notice." Louis shrugged. "I'm not attracted to them. Besides, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm just awkward."
Harry smiled sweetly. He did not know how he was sitting beside such a lovely individual. With the sun peering through the window, Harry couldn't help but stare deep into the bluest eyes he had ever seen.
"You're not attracted to them?" Harry coughed, hoping he heard right.
"Nah. I realized in Middle School that I liked boys. Does that offend you?" Louis questioned, suddenly feeling naked and judged.
"Not at all. ." Harry blushed.
Zayn suddenly reappeared and became overwhelmed with the vibe that he was interrupting something.
"Okay, here it is. The cafeteria special. Since it's so big, I figured I would only get one and you guys could share." He said as he cut the burrito in half.
Louis sighed as he saw the food in front of him. He couldn't help but add up the calories. Between the tortilla, bean, beef, cheese, and condiments, he guessed he was going to consume around 500 calories.
Harry ate the burrito without a second thought, however. He was starving. He, however, did not want to look like a caveman in front of Louis so he decided to at least eat it with a fork.
"It is really good!" Harry said as he looked at Zayn. "You have a good taste in food!"
"Thank you!" Zayn retorted. "What do you think, Louis?" He glared suspiciously.
Louis took a very small nibble. "It's really good," He said. Harry had already finished his burrito before Louis could get started.
Sighing, Louis felt another panic attack coming on, but his mind traveled to the beach; remembering what Harry had taught him.
"It was nice meeting you again. You too, Zayn!" Harry said as he glanced at his watch. "Chemistry calls, unfortunately!"
Zayn waited until Harry was out of sight before scolding Louis.
"First off, two things. Number one is you do not know how to flirt. Number two is you trashed your salad and haven't even touched your burrito!" Zayn said he shoved the food closer to Louis.
"Number one, I wasn't trying to flirt. Number two, I had a decent amount of salad." Louis defensively argued.
Zayn let out a defeated sigh. "Well, Harry joining us did make it concrete: You're not dropping that class! Now let's go play some football in the courtyard." He said, helping Louis out of his seat.
Harry was happy to see the sun disappearing into the darkness as he walked back to his dorm. Sighing in relief, he turned the doorknob and threw his bag onto the floor. His roommate had already begun to set up the video games.
"Hey, Har. How was your first day of the semester?"
"Exhausting! Too much information."
"God, I know." His roommate scoffed. "I did get a number." He said flashing his trophy.
"How do you do that?" Harry asked astounded.
"It's all in the confidence." His roommate shrugged.
"I guess so, Niall." Harry said as he stretched out on his bed. "I didn't get any numbers today, but I did meet someone interesting," Harry said smiling.
"What's her name?" Niall asked wanting to make sure to stay away from her for friendship reasons.
Harry coughed as he shook his head. "HIS name is Louis." Harry scratched his head as Niall seemed relieved. "What is it?"
"All the ladies swoon over you...so I'm glad you have your eyes on the opposite gender," He stated.
"Oh, Niall. All you have to do is take a girl of interest out, play your guitar, and be yourself," Harry reassured him. "It'll work every-time!"
"Thanks for the advice.... never thought of that before...but he's not going to take my place, is he?" Niall joked.
"Never. You're my best-friend. I don't know what to think of Louis though. He seems a bit awkward." Harry states as Niall tried to hold in his laughter. "What is it?" Harry snorted.
"You're the most awkward person I know," Niall said playfully patting him on the back. "You should let me meet him, so I can get a vibe."
Trying not to let his feelings show, Harry groaned. "I don't know if I am into him that way, Niall. I just said he's interesting. I don't know him yet."
"Sure," Niall suspiciously looked at Harry but decided to drop it.
"I need to work on my assignments," Harry replied as he sat at his desk. "Are you having a gaming night?"
"Yeah, Liam is coming over. Is that okay?" Niall asked as he grabbed the controller.
"Of course," Harry responded as he grabbed his notebook from his bag.
He tried to think of the writing assignment and flipped through pages of his mind to try and decide on what he was struggling the most with, but nothing was coming to mind. Various memories flashed in his eyes. Losing his grandmother at age eight was hard on him because it was his first taste of death, but he did think to consider that something he currently struggling with. His sophomore year of high school when Becky left him for the star wrestling player was pretty heart-wrenching, but he still didn't feel the pain. Then again, there was the time his father left him. That is something Harry still was suffering through, but it just didn't feel right to write about.
Exhaling, about to give up on his assignment until tomorrow, Harry gulped. He knew exactly what he needed to say and let the words escape his hands. He was in a trance and could not hear the sound of the loud video game behind him or the shouting Liam and Niall were doing at the television. Instead, he allowed his mind to explore his darkest pieces. Hours later, he let out a lament of relief, feeling naked and cleansed in his soul. He never shared these words on paper before and never realized how therapeutic it could be to get your thoughts out.
Standing up and stretching, he looked back and was not surprised to still see Niall and Liam playing games.
"Hey! You want to take a turn?" Liam asked handing the controller over to Harry.
"No, man. I think I'm going to go for a midnight coffee run," Harry said as he grabbed his sweater.
Liam and Niall shook their heads in sync with each other. They did not know too many people who liked to drink coffee at such a late hour, but they learn to accept all of Harry's little quirks.
Allowing the cool wind to seep through his sweater, Harry shuddered as his body formed cold goosebumps. He could feel the hairs stand up on his arms. Picking up his pace, he was happy to see the coffee shop door but also frightened. It was usually not this crowded at night, but Harry remembered it was the first week back to school so everyone was thirsty to socialize.
"Uh, can I get a French Vanilla Double Espresso, please?" Harry asked looking at the menu, even though he already knew what he wanted. He hated ordering things. It made him feel so awkward. "Thank you." He said as he swiped his debit card.
Sitting down in a nearby chair, Harry's lips widened as he saw a familiar face.
"Hey, Zayn!" He casually stated.
"Harry, I didn't think I'd see you here. What are you doing out so late?" Zayn asked as he closed his magazine.
"I'm mostly nocturnal," He shrugged. "How about you?"
"There was a football game tonight. It hasn't been over long. I just figured I'd grab a smoothie before I headed back to the dorm."
Harry looked around, hoping to see Louis. Not being able to keep his curiosity under control, he suddenly blurted out. "Where's Louis? Is he getting a smoothie too?"
Zayn chuckled under his breath. He could tell that Harry liked Louis and thought it was cute. "Oh god, no. He would think that it is a waste of calories," Suddenly Zayn noticed he was biting his tongue, knowing he said too much. He knew that Louis would not want him saying that.
Harry did not think twice about the statement and thought Zayn was joking. How could someone so thin think of calories in a smoothie? Had to be some inside joke so Harry nervously giggled. "He asleep?" Harry asked about him again.
"Yeah, I guess. He doesn't get out much, to be honest." Zayn simply stated. "I hope to see you around, though. Your coffee is ready. I'll tell Louis I ran into you! Bye!" He hurried off.
He felt guilty about what he said. Even though Harry seemed to not catch it, he knew Louis would disapprove. Even more so, he hated how it was on his mind a lot lately. He hoped Louis wasn't suffering a relapse.
Harry sat sipping his coffee as women walked by and gave him a sweet smile. He didn't seem to notice, and when he did, he would often try not to roll his eyes. Even though he claimed to be bisexual, the truth is he hadn't been attracted to a woman in years. Sometimes, he would bring them to the dorm just, so he wasn't lonely. However, he wasn't sure who would make his body grow with lust. He felt like he was turning asexual and would never be aroused again.
"God, I'm turning into a nun!" Harry said beside himself.
The shower was always Louis' favorite part of the morning. Feeling the small droplets of bliss hit his skin gave him a sensation of calmness for a little while. Of course, he couldn't bare to look at his exposed body.
"ZAYN!" He yelled.
Suddenly, he heard a loud crash as Zayn burst through the shower curtain. "What is it? What's wrong?" Zayn asked carrying a baseball bat.
"What was that noise?" Louis pouted.
"You scared me and I fell out of bed!" He replied lowering the baseball bat. "Why are you yelling like that?" He asked again.
"I..." Louis suddenly felt VERY exposed as he forgot he was in the shower when he yelled at Zayn. He quickly turned the water off and grabbed a towel. "I think I gained some weight in my hips and wanted your opinion..."
Furious, Zayn threw the baseball bat to the ground. He now realized he did not need to save his best friend from an intruder, spider, or villain. He needed to save him from his own worst enemy: himself.
"Gaining weight in your hips....are you serious, Tomlinson?" Zayn asked annoyed. He yanked the towel off of Louis and stared at his physique. "Okay, get in front of the mirror. Here is what I see when I look at you. Your collarbone is protruding. Your chest and stomach are cut. Your legs are chiseled. What do you see?"
"I've gained weight in my hips, stomach....everywhere. My face is getting round," Louis said cupping his face with his hands. Louis suddenly remembered he was entirely visible for his best friend to see. "I'm sorry, Zayn."
"It's okay. I'm a straight guy. I didn't even glance at your assets." He laughed. "How's your writing assignment coming along?"
"Haven't even started on it!" Louis groaned as he began to get dressed. "How about your classes?"
"I think they're going to be pretty easy. I may have time to squeeze in a few parties this year," He said as he combed his black hair. "If my wingman doesn't replace me with McDreamy," He teased.
"That'll never happen. You'll always be my only bromance." Louis said as he reached out his hand to fistbump Zayn.
"Likewise. I guess I'll see you later tonight. I have class. What are your plans for today?" He asked as he headed out the door.
"I think I'm going to go to the gym and maybe to the mall. I don't have Wednesday classes so I'm pretty free." Louis bragged.
"Think of me," Zayn said in an envious voice. "Later." He said as they parted ways.
Louis walked into the gym quietly. He approached the treadmill with caution. He shuddered as he remembered he passed out during his first year of college on one of these. Letting out a sigh, he pushed the machine on and began to jog.
With headphones in his ears, he allowed his mind to freely wander. However, the only thing it wanted to think about was Harry. How could someone he just met consume most of his thoughts? This hadn't happened to him in so long, he didn't know how to deal with it. He began to fill his body with doubts.
He'll never think I'm attractive. Louis thought. He said he's bisexual.....he probably has his eyes on someone....Bet she's a blonde with a great body and listens to pop music.
Suddenly, Louis felt very weak. Not wanting a repeat of passing out, he quickly pressed the 'off' button on the machine and gulped water.
"Louis?" Harry said as he threw his duffle bag onto the ground to assist his weak peer. "Are you okay?"
Louis could feel himself getting embarrassed. He did not want to explain to Harry that he hadn't been eating properly again and ran too hard with no energy. "Oh yeah, just dehydrated I suppose."
"Ah. That happens to me sometimes. I get bad muscle cramps because of it. It would probably help if I drank more water than I did alcohol but what can you do?" Harry sarcastically replied. He noticed he was still gripping Louis by the waist but for some reason, couldn't bring himself to let go. Louis didn't mind it either.
"What are your plans for today?" Harry asked as he picked up his duffle bag and guided Louis out of the gym.
"Walk to the mall. I need to go up a size in clothes. How about you?" Louis asked nervously. He didn't mean to share so much with Harry. A simple walk to the mall would have sufficed, he thought.
Harry furrowed his brow because Louis didn't sound like he was joking. How could someone whose clothes were already loose need to go up a size?
"Um...well, I was going to the mall too but I was going to drive. The mall is like 10 miles away," Harry replied as he wondered why Louis wanted to walk. He didn't have any plans to go to the mall but he figured he could fit it into his non-existent social life. "Look, you're already dehydrated. How about I give you a ride? We can hang out...." Harry trailed off as he flashed his winning smile at Louis.
Louis knew he couldn't resist that grin. "Deal!" He squealed as he reached for his phone to text Zayn.
Before Louis could open his car door, Harry opened it and bowed. "Your carriage awaits, good sir." He said cheesily.
Blushing, Louis became speechless.
"So why were you going to walk to the mall?" Harry asked. He never has been good with small talk. "Don't have a car? License revoked for reckless driving?"
Louis suddenly became uncomfortable. He did not want to tell Harry about not being to drive due to having a seizure at the wheel from not eating. He must wait a couple more years until he is medically clear. He also did not want to explain to Harry how he liked to walk places to burn more calories.
"My car is in the shop," Louis lied.
"Good thing Wednesdays are my workout days then." Harry smiled at him as Louis smiled back. "I needed to go to the mall anyway. I've had my eyes on this pair of slip-on boots for quite a while," Harry said as he felt his mouth water thinking about the shoes.
Louis simply nodded, lost in his thoughts. He was suddenly beginning to feel self-conscious and awkward. What if he said the wrong thing or messed up? What if he ruined this friendship before it began and class would become unbearable? Suddenly, Louis felt a panic attack coming on. Harry noticed. He moved his hand slowly to the radio, not trying to startle Louis. Much to his pleasure, Oasis was playing.
"Another great coping skill when you feel yourself panicking is singing," Harry said as he contemplated on stroking Louis' hair or not. He chose not to. What if he didn't want it?
Harry allowed the words to flow through him as he encouraged Louis to sing as well.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now
"God he has the voice of an angel," Louis thought as he could feel his entire body tense and still panicking. There was no way he could sing with Harry on pitch every note.
"Come on. For it to work, you have to sing with me." Harry said in a demanding voice. "Please?" He asked giving him puppy dog eyes.
Louis could feel his heart melt at those eyes and smile. He couldn't deny his request. He suddenly found himself singing.
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how
Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my Wonderwall
"Damn, he's beautiful." Harry thought to himself. Louis had the perfect blend of spunk in his voice that would captivate anyone. He suddenly cleared his throat, unsure if he should say what he was about to. "You know I'm a music major, right?" He asked as Louis nodded shyly. "Well, I'm here to tell you...you have talent."
Louis felt his body freezing. Harry's compliments were making him bashful. He could barely muster up the confidence to leave his room every day, much less sing; and to be told he is good at it, overwhelmed him.
"Thanks. Zayn shared that with me before. I just thought he was being nice," Louis replied as he put his eyes on the ground.
"He wasn't. You do have a gift for it. I wouldn't lie to you," Harry said as he fought the urge to grab Louis' hand. "So there's a party Friday....and I was thinking you should come. You can bring Zayn." Harry said almost pleading.
Louis hadn't been to a party in so long, he wasn't sure that was his scene but he knew Zayn loved them. He also knew he loved spending time with Harry.
"What kind of party?" He questioned as he instantly regretted asking. You're so lame! He said to himself.
Harry chuckled. "Well my friends Niall and Liam are big gamers so now and then, they like to throw a get-together with drinking and game festivities. They're never big parties but big enough to have a good time," Harry explained. "It'll be at our friend Ed's house. He doesn't live on campus so it makes drinking easier, you know?" Harry asked as Louis nodded. "Um...."
"Oh come on. It'll be fun!" Harry pleaded.
"I'll ask Zayn," Louis tensely replied.
He could feel his body telling him he was hungry by the sharp pangs in his stomach, but there was no possible way he could eat in this emotional state.
"I think I need something to drink," He said as he licked his lips.
"That's right. You were dehydrated before. Do you like lemonade?" Harry asked as he guided Louis over to the lemonade stand. "Maybe I can get you a pretzel?" Louis shuddered at the thought of how many calories he'd be wasting drinking lemonade and eating a carb-infested pretzel. Though he didn't want to be awkward, he didn't want to consume empty calories more.
"I'll just drink something out of the fountain. I forgot my wallet...." He lied.
Harry suddenly remembered Zayn mentioning Louis didn't like smoothies due to not wanting the calories and felt weary. "Are you sure? I don't mind paying for it."
"Oh, I'm sure. We can just get your boots and head back. I'm sorry I forgot my wallet. I'm so absent-minded." Louis anxiously laughed. Harry gave Louis a mistrustful look and guided him over to the water fountain.