Chapter Text
1978
The last Quidditch match of their school years was one for the ages. James was certain they’d write about it in Hogwarts history books in years to come.
Granted he may have been a bit biased, having been the captain of the winning side but still… it was objectively pretty awesome. They’d had to win by at least 220 for the cup after a weather related mishap earlier in the year against Ravenclaw but the Gryffindor chasers had been on peak form, scoring goal after goal, his keeper made some of the best saves he’d ever seen, and their seeker, little Davey Peakes, had pulled off one of the best catches James had ever seen. That and Sirius had whacked a bludger so hard at Avery that he’d fallen right off his broom, which was particularly satisfying given the mess with Pete and the engorging potion from the week before…
Anyway, he was happy. They had won! And Griffiondor Tower had descended into the biggest post match party he’d ever seen in his time at Hogwarts. Seemed fitting really seeing as it would be their last one.
Sirius appeared from somewhere, draping an arm around his shoulder and shouting in his ear.
“Look what I found!”
He waved a bottle of mandrake rum in front of James’ face; James grinned, the bottle was already a quarter gone and he could easily guess from Sirius’ slightly glazed eyes and the fact he was swaying a little where it had gone.
“Started without me?”
Sirius shrugged, unapologetic.
“Had to check it wasn’t poisoned.”
“So good of you. Give it here then.” He took a swig and the two of them went to sit over on the window ledge, carrying on drinking and chatting. It was James favourite spot in the common room, you could see all the way out over the forest from here.
Every now and then someone would come over and talk to them and then leave again when they got bored of being mostly ignored. By the time Remus came over they were. Already halfway through the rum.
“Oi, you two going to sit here being antisocial all night or come join in?”
James was about to complain that they hadn’t been that bad (although really he had no idea ho long he’d been there) but Sirius wrapped an arm around his shoulders and answered for him, slurring slightly.
“Why would we do that? All the best people are right here.”
James laughed and smiled up at him, a warm glow in his stomach. Remus rolled his eyes and wandered back over to Lily and Mary.
“What do you reckon on Moony and Evans then?” Sirius asked after he’d left, nodding his head towards the group across the room. Lily was laughing at something Remus had said, James supposed they were standing quite close but he wasn’t sure it looked like any more than that.
“What, you think there’s something going on?”
“I think they both wish there was.”
James looked again, carefully this time, and tried to remember if he’d seen them interact much before. He supposed they were friends of a sort, and they seemed to have a lot in common…
“Yeah, maybe. I guess.”
“Does it bother you?”
“Remus and Lily?”
“Yeah, you were all mad about her last year…”
He supposed he had been. That felt like a long time ago though, he wasn’t sure what had made him so sure Lily was ‘the one’ but it seemed mad now; he hardly knew her, he didn’t particularly think they had anything in common, not in a way that they’d want to spend loads of time together anyway. She was pretty, obviously… But he just hadn’t thought about it in a long time. Too distracted by other things he supposed.
“Nah, her and Remus are better suited. I’m over that now, it was… whatever, it was dumb.”
Sirius looked pleased at that, like James had answered a question right in a quiz he didn’t know he was taking.
“Yeah it was a bit random. Anyone else you fancy?”
James just shrugged, lately every time he’d thought about dating he just couldn’t be bothered; there wasn’t anyone he found that interesting and when it came down to it he just preferred hanging out with Sirius anyway.
“Nah, I’ve decided to die alone with a load of cats. It’s a lifestyle choice.”
Sirius grinned.
“I could live with that. But cats Prongs? Really? Can’t we at least get a dog instead?”
Sirius was beautiful like this; sometimes it would just hit James out of nowhere. But he didn’t think really anyone would be able to help noticing every now and then, especially not if they spent as much time with him as James did. But like this, leaning back on the window ledge, relaxed from the alcohol, absent the usual tight, buzzing energy that often came off him… His eyes were sparkling more than usual, his cheeks flushed and his hair just starting to escape from his messy bun. He was just beautiful.
“Sure. We’ll get a dog, if you want.”
———
Present Day
James sometimes wondered if he was the most selfish person in the world. In this exact moment he was pretty sure of it; that was the only reason he could think of for why he was sitting in a room with all his friends, meant to be celebrating one of the happiest moments in two of their lives, and still managing to feel sorry for himself.
Remus and Lily had asked them all round to their house that evening for a get together, and had announced, beaming from ear to ear, that Lily was pregnant. It was big news, huge really. And James couldn’t think of two people who more deserved it or who would be better parents. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy for them, because he really really was. It was just that, looking around at his friends, and seeing them all moving forwards and starting new and exciting chapters, he couldn’t help but feel like he was stagnating.
His job was ok, he was working in the Department of Magical Games and Sports so it was at least tangentially Quidditch related. It was the same job he’d had for the past… 6 or so years? That sounded too long… He’d been at it since the war ended anyway. His boss had been on at him lately about going for a promotion but he wasn’t sure, it just felt like if he did that he’d be stuck there forever but then he had no idea what he might do instead.
The situation wasn’t helped by the fact Peter had brought his new girlfriend with him, highlighting even more than usual James’ chronic singleness. Mary was there as well and she was single too which should really have helped, but since her reason for being single was the three years she’d just spent travelling the world photographing rare wildlife, not because she was just a sad-sack, it wasn’t actually as comforting as it might have been.
Peter’s new girlfriend seemed nice enough though, her name was Marie, he’d met her at work, she was apparently a giant pygmy puff breeder. James listened to her tell him all about it with interest, holding in his urge to point out that a giant pygmy puff was surely just… a puff. Pete was obviously besotted, hardly seeming to notice anyone else in the room half the time.
“What about you James?” Lily chimed in. “Have you been seeing anyone? What about that Cynthia we met? She was nice.” oh good, here we go.
Cynthia was a woman he’d gone out with about 4 times; he’d invited her on a night out with everyone on a whim, just because he’d been seeing her the day before and had thought he’d then be able to head off these exact questions. She was nice enough, he’d seen her again a few times afterwards, and then it had just… fizzled out.
“Oh, no, that just didn’t really work out.”
“That’s a shame… There’s a lovely woman at my work I think you’d really get on with if you’d like me to introduce you?”
“Er yeah, sure, maybe.”
He let her natter on a bit about the woman at work (her name was apparently Morgan), trying to listen but lacking enthusiasm. He knew they only asked because they were worried about him, they all thought he was lonely. And he was. But he’d tried filling the lonely with dating people before and that just wasn’t the problem, he couldn’t just fill the gap by filling it with some girl. And really most of the time he was fine, it was just times like this…
“She sounds great Lils, thanks. I’m just gonna go have a smoke quickly.”
Lily scrunched up her nose and waved him away, she hated when any of them smoked.
He let himself out of the kitchen door into the little garden. He lit his cigarette and inhaled taking in the smoke and breathing it out into the cold night hair. He didn’t even like smoking, it was just a habit he’d picked up at school when Sirius had started.
He heard the door open and close behind him.
“Mind if I bum one?” Mary asked.
James handed her a cigarette wordlessly and let her light it from the end of his.
“Mad isn’t it?” She said, standing next to him and looking out over the garden. It was full of herbs and flowers that Lily used for her potions; the mix gave the place a weird sort of smell but James had always liked it.
“What is?”
“This, Remus and Lily having a baby. It’s all so grown up.”
“I guess that’s what we are now.” James replied, shrugging. He did agree though, it had been one thing last year when they’d got married, this was next level.
“Doesn’t feel like it.”
“No.”
“It’s weird, him not being here. I guess you guys are more used to it, but being away… I almost expected he’d have come back, while I was gone.”
James almost considered pretending he didn’t know who she was talking about but it would’ve been too pathetically transparent.
“I used to. I’d think he’d show up at my house or something. It’s been nearly five years now though, he’s not coming back.”
He knew that was true. He’d known it for a long time now. Wherever Sirius was, if he even was anywhere, he wasn’t coming back now. It still hurt like hell to say it out loud though. And how pathetic was that? After all this time.
“No, probably not.” Mary sighed. “You’re ok though right? You’re getting on with things? Living your life?”
“Yeah course.” He’d finished his cigarette, so he took out another and lit it, just for something to do.
“Hmm, good. I know Lily worries sometimes…”
“I know, but she doesn’t need to.”
“Ok.” She didn’t appear to want to bother arguing with him about it and he was glad of that.
Mary stubbed out her cigarette and dropped the butt in the jar Lily begrudgingly kept outside for them.
“See you back inside then.”
He vaguely waved a hand at her and she disappeared back inside.
He finished off his cigarette as slowly as he reasonably could before heading back in. It was a perfectly nice night all in all; it was good to see them all, it was just that Mary was right, it always felt like something was missing at these things. Not all the time, but on big occasions like this it just didn’t feel… complete.
He got back to his flat late, too tired to be bothered to do much other than change and crawl into bed.
———
Flashback - 1979
As soon as they’d left school they’d got right into it with the war, all of them off on different jobs for Dumbledore, out at weird hours in strange parts of the country on patrol. It was important, and James wouldn’t be doing anything else, but he was tired, often crabby, and lonely.
He’d gone back to his parents’ place, they were getting old and needed the help around the house and it was easier than finding somewhere to stay. Sirius had offered for him to come and live with him but there wasn’t really a lot of space at his flat. Remus was gone for long bouts of time at once and when he came back he mostly wanted to spend time with Lily so James didn’t see him often, Peter had moved back in with his mum and wanted to keep her as separate from the war as possible so was only taking on small jobs. He was working a day job as well, at the pet shop in Diagon. James tried to see Sirius as often as he could but even that wasn’t often; they always seemed to be on different schedules, one of them away when the other was back, one of them awake when the other was asleep. Sirius always wanted to go out somewhere when he was back, seemingly full of endless energy with nowhere to direct it. James went with him sometimes, mostly he tried to convince him to stay in with him and sometimes it worked but mostly after a few drinks he’d be wanting to go out again. James just felt like he was losing touch with everyone, like everything that had been safe and secure before was slipping through his fingers.
And every week people would die.
When Peter had dropped in and told him Moony was back in town and Lily had told him he needed to go out it was just about the best news James had heard all month. It took him a while to get through to Sirius on his mirror but when he had Sirius had been just as up for a night out so they’d agree they’d all meet at the pub.
Remus and Peter were already there when he arrived, chatting away at a table in the corner. Pete noticed him first and waved cheerfully.
“Prongs, hey!”
“Hey.” James couldn’t help the huge grin that spread over his face, it was good to see them. “How you been?”
“All good, Pads not with you?”
“Nah he said he’d meet us here.” James was pretty much on time and as a rule Sirius was chronically late so it wasn’t really a surprise he wasn’t there yet. An hour later though, when he still hadn’t arrived and James had tried to get him twice on the mirror, he was started to get a little concerned that he may have forgotten.
“You told him 7 though right?” Pete asked. James nodded.
“I’ll try him again in a bit.”
Remus hadn’t yet to comment on Sirius’ lateness but James knew him well enough to be able to tell he had something to say.
“Go on Moony, what’s wrong?
“Nothing.”
“I can tell you’re dying to say something. What is it?”
Remus took a deep breath, as if steeling himself.
“Ok, it’s just that this has been a bit of a habit with him lately.”
“Well yeah, Sirius is always late, we lived with him for 7 years, we know that…”
“Late yeah, but not flakey. Being this late, not answering when you’re calling… I just mean…” He sighed and started again. “I saw him last month, and it was the same then, and he’s been impossible to get hold of. He just seems… distracted.”
“We’re all distracted Moony, there’s a war on.”
Peter looked very uncomfortable and James got the distinct feeling this was something he and Remus had discussed before.
“Yeah maybe.” Remus replied. “It’s probably nothing, I just worry I suppose.”
James opened his mouth to insist that Remus was worrying about nothing but was cut off by the sudden appearance of Sirius, flopping into the seat next to him and slinging an arm round his shoulders, grinning form ear to ear.
“Sorry mates, got held up. What did I miss?”
Remus and Peter exchanged an awkward look but Sirius didn’t seem to notice, he was really only looking at James. James grinned back at him, it would be fine now, they were all here together and Remus would see he was worrying over nothing.
Except from as the minutes passed James began to wonder if maybe he wasn’t.
Sirius had clearly had at least a few drinks before he got there; he’d said he’d got held up with Gideon finishing a job, and maybe he had been with Gideon but unless the job was beer tasting he definitely hadn’t come straight from a patrol. He was talking too fast, and too loudly; when he went to the bar to get a drink he came back ages later and with a tray of some unidentified shots.
They all did one, James determined to not let Remus’ pointed look bother him; they hadn’t been out together for ages, there was nothing wrong with them getting a bit drunk. Granted Sirius seemed to already be closer to totally hammered but it’s not like they’d never done that before either…
Remus turned down the third shot.
“Come on Moony, people are dying out there, live a little.”
When he carried on resisting Sirius rolled his eyes and did his too. James and Peter did theirs even though Pete was starting to look a bit glassy eyed already. James tried to ignore the tension around the table; Sirius seemed either genuinely oblivious or determined to ignore it. He was almost glad when Sirius got up to go to the bathroom so they could actually address it.
“See what I mean James? He’s battered.”
“He has been erm… well he’s been drinking quite a lot just lately.” Pete chimed in, agreeing with Remus.
“So? It’s a night off, you’ve never got drunk before?” Even as James said it he had an uncomfortable feeling that really they were right.
“It’s not just that James. Look, the other month when we went out, it was exactly like this. But it was just the two of us. He turned up late, trashed, making absolutely no sense. He kept disappearing off for ages… He’s been taking other stuff as well, muggle drugs. He admitted it even, doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem, but I mean… look at him.”
“Fabian asked me about him last week. Said he’d been really tired on shift a few times and wanted to check if he was ok… I didn’t say anything obviously but I’m pretty sure he was just hungover…” Peter added on.
So this was a thing they’d discussed then.
James was torn. Because really, if he was honest, there was something about the whole thing that made him feel a bit uncomfortable. But it felt disloyal to be talking about this behind Sirius’ back, and if there was something really wrong surely he’d know? It was Sirius after all.
He didn’t know much about muggle drugs but he’d heard a few horror stories… But then he knew a few people at school had played around with them a little and they all seemed fine so maybe it wasn’t all that big a deal really…
“Everyone’s having a hard time at the moment. I’ll talk to him, ok?”
Remus nodded, as if saying that would do for now, and Peter looked relieved. Sirius came back shortly after, and James watched him carefully for any sign that there was anything wrong aside from the obvious drunkenness, giving up quickly when he realised he’d have no idea what to look for. Remus and Peter made their excuses and left shortly after and James let himself just enjoy having some time by himself with Sirius; once he’d had a few more drinks himself he really didn’t seem so outrageously smashed. All the same he did have to prop him up a little on the way home.
———
He brought it up the next time he saw him, trying to go for a casual sort of tone. To his surprise, Sirius hadn’t denied it for a second.
“Isn’t that kind of stuff a bit… y’know, dangerous though?” James didn’t want to come off sounding like his mother or anything but he had heard bad things about all these muggle drugs.
Sirius just laughed.
“Aw come on Prongs, you sound like Moony. Listen, it’s fine, it’s only a little and every now and then, nothing too strong. It just helps to relax sometimes, like having a drink yeah?”
It did sound reasonable, after all they did go out drinking, had done for years. James pushed down the little voice in his head that said Sirius wasn’t doing too great at doing that in moderation either.
There was a war on, they were all stressed, Sirius said he had it under control…
“Yeah, yeah I guess.”
It was probably just Remus being over-cautious, Sirius seemed fine to him.
———
Present Day
James knew there was something going on when Remus turned up at his work to try and get him to go out for lunch; firstly because Remus had never once before come to his work to ask him to lunch, and secondly because Remus had a rubbish poker face when it came to his friends and when you’d known him as long as James had it was just really obvious. He’d done well enough at keeping up small talk until they’d managed to buy some sandwiches and find somewhere to sit, but had burst out with it the second they sat down.
“So me and Lily were at the hospital yesterday…”
James felt a panic rising in his chest.
“Is she ok? Is the baby…”
But Remus waved him off, obviously realising that had been a troubling start when you had a pregnant wife.
“Yes, she’s fine, sorry, routine check up, it’s not about the baby.”
“Ok, ok good, sorry. So you were at the hospital…”
“Yeah, um… So we were at the hospital yesterday, we were just leaving our appointment. And well… James, we ran into Sirius.”
James thought for a second that his heart had actually stopped.
“… Sorry?”
He must have heard him wrong, there was no way Remus just said…
“We saw Sirius. We spoke to him even, he’s working at the hospital.”
Remus had gone mad, there was no other explanation; Lily’s pregnancy was causing them collective hallucinations.
“What on Earth would he be doing working at St. Mungos?”
“He’s a counsellor apparently, for an addiction programme they’re running.”
This was just making less and less sense. Sirius had been gone for five years, disappeared without a trace to Merlin knows where, he couldn’t just be working a normal job down the road at St Mungo’s of all places.
“He’s seems to be doing well James, we had a good chat with him. He’s clean, he’s been working there a while, has a proper place to live… I really think he’s got things together.”
“He told you that?”
“Well yeah…”
“And you believed him?” James was aware his tone sounded harsh but he couldn’t help it, surely Remus couldn’t actually be that stupid.
“I do. James, I would be sceptical too but if you saw him…”
“Did he tell you to talk to me?”
“No, actually he seemed pretty certain you’d want nothing to do with him.”
“Well he was right, I don’t.”
“James…” Remus sighed, sounding quite exhausted with his friends. “I know he was… well pretty awful. And I don’t think we can expect anyone to just forgive and forget right away, but he was your best friend, and he really does seem to be doing better. I just think you should try and speak to him at least.
“Why? It’s not like I’d be able to trust anything he says, I can’t believe you do…”
“He’s been clean for years James.”
“He says he has. I’ve been fine without him for the last 5 years, I don’t need him turning back up again and fucking everything up.”
“James I know you still miss him…”
“I don’t.”
“You do. I know you James. Just consider it.”
James didn’t answer, just picked up his bag with the untouched sandwich in and stood up.
“I need to get back to the office.”
Remus nodded, accepting that he wasn’t getting any further with this mission today.
“Ok, I’ll see you at the weekend?”
“Yeah, sure. See you.”
James walked back to the office absolutely fuming. He supposed really he should be glad that Sirius at least wasn’t actually dead; he’d been pretty sure he had been for most of the time he’d been gone. But right in that moment the idea that he was actually fine, and had been working just down the road for however long and hadn’t once bothered to just let anyone else know felt worse.
Selfish prick
Really James shouldn’t have been surprised. In a fit of petulant rage he kicked a bollard, something that he immediately regretted when he realised that bollards are actually really solid.
“Fuck!”
An old lady walking past looked at him worriedly and hurried by, giving him a wide berth.
And now he looked like a lunatic, thanks Sirius.
He was better off without him. At least now he knew he was working at St Mungo’s he would know to avoid the place. Not that he was in the habit of visiting for fun or anything but he’d know not to suddenly take up a volunteer job or any extreme hobbies that were likely to result in injury.
He was pretty sure at least one of his toes was broken from kicking the bollard but that was fixable at the office. And if at any point in the future he got badly sick… Well he’d just have to die wouldn’t he. Simple.
———