Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

On the corner of Alta and Integrity, two lanky teens stumble out the front doors of the Tinkle Building. They jump back onto the steps at the sound of honking, narrowly avoiding injury as a black Dubsta detours onto the sidewalk before speeding south and taking a sharp right turn down San Andreas Boulevard.

“They’re gonna get themselves bloody killed before we even start.” The first boy pushes some of his sandy blonde hair out of his face, shaking his head.

“Beardo’s driving. They’ll be fine.” The second boy shoves his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and starts walking north. “Hurry up, Jester. Boss wants us to be at the bank by the time they’re done shopping.”

“We have plenty of time. We just have to make sure we get there after Director.” Jester walks ahead of him and starts walking backward with his arms outstretched, grinning. “What’s the worst that could happen, BrownMan?”

“Can I get a report of locations?” Gus speaks into his headset.

Gus is seated in between Matt and Kathleen inside the heist room of their Downtown apartment. Matt has Jon’s notes in front of him while Kathleen has her headset plugged into the police scanner.

Geoff is the first one to respond. “Jack is driving Ryan and me to the bank now. Ray and Gavin are walking. I told them not to put their earpieces in until they got within sight of the PS.”

“Alright. Burnie?”

“Remind me why I had to be stuck with Joel?” Burnie sighs. “We’re driving to the bank as well.”

“Listen, Burnie. I wasn’t going to be the one stuck with Jason.”

“Fuck you too, Joel!” Jason yells. “I’m a block or two away. Shannon should be right behind me.”

“Bravo Team accounted for. Where’s Charlie?”

“Getting ice cream.” Jon says around a mouthful. Griffon’s laugh can be heard in the background. “Griffon and I are almost finished.”

“For fuck’s sake, hurry up.” Gus shakes his head. “Jason and Joel: you’re sure your intel is complete?”

Jason sighs. “Yes, Gus. I walked into the bank and double-checked two days ago.”

“My intel is as good as it’s going to get.” Joel quips.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

BrownMan looks up from his cell phone and watches a second black Dubsta park along Vinewood Boulevard and two businessmen step out of it. The first, a curly-haired brunette with a neatly trimmed beard and glasses, argues over something with his slightly shorter companion as they walk into the Pacific Standard Public Deposit Bank. The sun flashes off the second businessman’s watch when he raises his arm to smack the back of the first man’s head.

BrownMan shoves his phone back in his pocket when a bald-headed man walks into the bank after a guy with thick eyebrows and mustache a minute later. He looks at Jester, who finishes his hot dog and nods back towards the entrance. A brown-haired man and a blonde woman with similar chin-length haircuts and flannel shirts make their way through the front doors. Soon, the car that tried to run them over earlier pulls up along Alta Street. BrownMan pushes himself off the wall he was leaning against and nods to Jester as the car’s occupants exit the vehicle and walk to the bank’s entrance.

The two teens cross the street and reach the corner at the same time as the three men from the vehicle. A man with a curled mustache grabs BrownMan by the shoulder and shoves a backpack into his hands as a man in a black and blue leather jacket does the same to Jester.

“You listen to me,” the guy leans in close to BrownMan, “we do this fast, and we do this right. You got it?”

BrownMan just nods.

“Are mics up?” The guy speaks quietly as he looks around to the four men in front of him. They all nod and a voice comes in over all their earpieces.

“Loud and clear, Boss. Bravo and Charlie are in position, ready to start.”

“Understood, Colonel.” He shoves BrownMan toward the front doors of the bank and takes a deep breath. “May death never stop us, boys.”

“ ‘Cause we will never die.” Vagabond responds with a smirk as he shoves Jester in behind them.

All five of the front ATMs are occupied. The businessmen are still arguing as they proceed with their own transactions. The two men in middle are trying to mind their own business. And the couple on the right finishes their transactions as the group walks to the stairwell on the left. The blonde woman looks over and meets BrownMan’s eyes, winking before she pulls the man next to her inside the lobby.

Once inside the stairwell, Boss speaks again as the other four begin pulling out red jumpsuits and black masks from Beardo and Vagabond’s duffel bags.

“Are we still quiet?”

A new voice speaks on the channel. “Scanners are still dead, but you probably want to hurry up.”

Boss rolls his eyes. “Yes, your highness.”

“Seriously, man.” Another voice. “You can only use ATMs for so long.”

“I’ll bring the ATMs down, Mr. Gold. You are all being redirected to counter tellers. Boss, any day now.”

Boss nods to the crew. He starts heading up the stairwell with Beardo and Vagabond while BrownMan and Jester wait.

“Mezzanine is clear.” Beardo’s voice checks in.

“Lads, get ready to go hot in 3, 2,” BrownMan and Jester get in position by the door as Boss counts. “1.”

“Nobody move!” BrownMan yells as he aims an AP pistol at the customers in line for the counter and Jester aims his pistol at the flannel couple speaking with a desk associate. “Step away from the counters. I want all customers and clerks in the lobby to get on the floor. Tellers, move to the middle of the employee area with your hands in the air. Don’t even think about trying to hit the panic buttons.”

Jester gathers all the customers and desk clerks to the middle of the lobby before pushing them past the island counters to a table at the far end of the hall. He shoves one of the businessmen into sitting position and motions for the rest of them to do the same. As his partner watches over the crowd, Jester takes off his backpack and unzips the main compartment. He reaches in to hide his hands from view, and taps his fingers together a few times. “Charges are armed.”

“If anyone tries anything funny, we won’t hesitate to blow up the place.”

“That means you, bud.” Vagabond shoves the barrel of his AK-47 into a male teller’s side as he waits for the other Gents to descend the stairs into the employee area. The teller lets out an audible squeal and freezes, halting his slow journey towards the counter.

A new voice, Stranger, speaks over the earpieces. “Remember, cameras point towards the glass, so keep your backs to the wall.”

“Fuck that. I’ll just break ‘em.” Boss directs his attention to shooting out the counter cameras while Vagabond herds the tellers into a corner.

“Boss, gate’s locked.” Beardo calls out from across the small hallway.

Mr. Gold turns his head as if he’s going to speak to Director and whispers into his mic. “One of them should have a key.”

“Hey, shut up.” BrownMan points his gun at Mr. Gold.

“Sorry. Being quiet.”

Stranger doesn’t make any noise, but Mr. Gold can feel him laughing next to him. He elbows him and the shaking stops.

“Behave.” Director whispers.

“Key.” Vagabond shoves his gun into the teller’s side again.

“What?”

“Where is the key? To the vault gate.”

“I don’t have it!”

“Then who does?” Boss steps closer. “Who has the—are you fucking serious?”

Boss’s voice cracks a bit as he spins around to Beardo. The latter is hastily reaching into his pocket with his free hand, his cell phone ringtone echoing through the lobby.

“Out of all the goddamn times—sorry, Boss.”

As Beardo deals with the incessant chimes, Boss turns back to the teller. “If you don’t have the key, which one of you idiots do?”

“Not any of us.” Another teller responds. She shifts uneasily as Boss glares at her. Beardo’s phone has already put him on edge. “We upgraded our systems at the beginning of the month. It’s an automated deadbolt on a timer. If you want to open it outside of the set times, you need a Gruppe guard.”

Boss throws his free hand up in the air. “This just keeps getting better.”

“Damn it, Mr. Gold. You were supposed to find us the most recent information!” King yells into the earpieces.

“Hey! I’m the money guy. You asked me to find where the money is and how much of it they have. I did that!”

“Yeah, but you said it would be easier to get to!”

“How long have you known me?” Mr. Gold whispers angrily at the disembodied voice while Director and BrownMan just glare at him. BrownMan coughs loudly and tries to make random noises in order to mask the sound of his hostage’s voice. “You know me and modern technology have a touchy relationship. We’re on and off, and apparently we’re currently off.”

“I’m going to fucking strangle you when this is over.”

“Well, you’re the technology whiz! You fix it, your majesty.”

A loud sigh is heard. “I’m already hacking the lock. It should be open in a few more seconds.”

“This is why you’re the King, buddy.” Boss taps his foot as he waits for the bolt to unlock.

“Yeah, save the sweet talk for after we actually have the money.”

The deadbolt slides open with a click and Beardo swings it out towards them. Vagabond pops the male teller in the face with the butt of his assault rifle as Boss does the same to the woman. Vagabond uses his stun gun on the rest of the tellers before taking point and heading through the gate. All three men carefully make their way down the staircase.

When they reach the bottom, the vault guard pops out from under the stairs. He barely swings around the railing to face the intruders before Vagabond pops two shots into his chest. He steps over the guard’s body and aims at the clerk trying to hide behind his desk. Beardo shoots out the two hallway cameras as Boss leans down to unclip the badge from the guard’s shirt.

“What do you want me to do with him?” Vagabond asks about the teller.

“Shoot him.” Boss replies carelessly, stepping toward the vault lock. While Vagabond happily follows orders, Boss swipes the card. “Goddamn it, really?”

“What is it?” Beardo asks as he watches the staircase.

“Drag the dead guy over here. Fingerprint authentication.”

“Which finger?” Vagabond asks.

“Uh, right thumb I think.”

“Here.”

Boss turns around to see a bloody thumb being thrown at him. “Seriously? The man could have diseases, asshole.”

“Just use the damn thumb.”

Boss presses the digit against the scanner. A whoosh comes from the door as the vacuum seal is released and Beardo runs to the door and turns the handle. Once the door is open, he pulls two more backpacks from his duffel bag and hands them to Boss and Vagabond before he pulls out a second set of street clothes. He takes off his jumpsuit and starts changing his clothes as the other men bag stacks of cash.

“How’s it looking up top?”

“We’re good up here, Boss.” Jester’s voice is a little tinny. “Hostages are being good little boys and girls for us.”

A huff is heard over the earpieces, but it isn’t clear who it’s from.

“What’s the volume?”

“Alarms haven’t been set off, but it’s nearing the time that the Vinewood station usually sends a car over. Depending on how much longer you take, it’ll be a two star by the time you’re out. Maybe three.” Nevada is calm as she speaks. “Continue as planned. We should be fine.”

Most of the cash is stuffed into the two backpacks, with several stacks crammed into a briefcase. Boss and Vagabond change into their second sets of clothes and back into the jumpsuits, then pile their original outfits and backpacks before dousing them with lighter fluid and torching the pile.

“We’re headed back up. Lads?”

He doesn’t have to worry about the cameras anymore, but BrownMan’s hands are still shaking a little. Although it helps corroborate his and Jester’s cover stories, the only hostages on his side of the table are all crew members: Director, Mr. Gold, Stranger, Agent, Risemonger, and Chainsaw. He pushes the bag with the “charges” closer to Risemonger and Chainsaw.

“We’re ready to go.”

The Gents burst into the lobby, guns aimed at BrownMan and Jester. Boss tosses one of the backpacks at them. “Here’s your cut. Not bad for idiots we picked off the street.” He approaches the small gathering. “Take this side. We need shields when we go out.”

“What about the rest of them?” Jester nods to two desk clerks and another customer.

Boss and Beardo hold out their stun guns to the boys. “Kill ‘em or knock ‘em out, I don’t care. Just make sure we get of here with the money and you live.”

The two Lads go up to the three civilians. BrownMan bends down to the customer, a girl around his age, and says softly, “I’m really sorry about this,” before he shoots her with the stun gun. Jester does the same to the desk clerks without a word. When that’s done, they drag the three of them to the employee area and leave them with the other tellers.

“Alright, refresher time.” Colonel’s voice returns after the gate to the employee area is closed. “Everyone except Boss and Charlie team will go out first. Beardo takes Bravo team, dumps them in the oil fields. Vagabond will take the Lads and go straight for Blaine County. Boss will close up with Risemonger and Chainsaw, meet with Beardo in the oil fields, and dump Charlie. Wait out the heat in the desert, and then meet back at the port at sundown. Got it?”

“All clear, Colonel.” Boss responds as he helps Chainsaw stand.

Nevada comes back on. “Still no alarms, but it sounds like some rookies got stuck with afternoon patrol of the bank. Hurry the fuck up before something has time to go wrong.”

All of the crew members—minus Boss and Charlie team—make their way outside. Beardo herds Bravo team into the Dubsta parked on Alta while Vagabond shoves the Lads towards the other car and takes BrownMan’s gun. A squad car is parked across the street and one of the officers buying a hotdog notices them, dropping his food to grab his gun.

“Hey! Stop right there!”

The civilians in the area start running away as the officer and his partner start shooting. One of them gets Vagabond in the arm.

“Damn it!” He curses, passing his assault rifle to BrownMan before pulling Stranger into a headlock and aiming the pistol at him. “Stop shooting, or he’s next!”

They don’t stop shooting, so Vagabond drags Stranger into the first Dubsta before launching a grenade at the squad car, smiling as the hot dog cart is blown backwards and both officers ragdoll into the shop windows behind them.

“Vagabond! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” BrownMan drops his backpack near the car door. “You’re supposed to be our driver!”

“I’m hurt! Very injured! Can’t drive now! Ah, so painful!” He doesn’t sound like he’s in pain at all. “You’re gonna have to wing it. Get to the desert.” He climbs into the car with Stranger and Beardo peels out.

BrownMan runs a few steps after them before turning around at the sound of Jester calling him.

“What are we going to do now?”

“I guess we’re going to the desert.”

With the street empty of people, BrownMan climbs into the passenger seat as Jester runs around the front of the car and jumps in the driver’s seat. After he’s successfully hotwired the vehicle he stops and turns to his partner.

“BrownMan.”

“What?” He yells as he knocks out the passenger window.

“Switch with me. I can’t drive.”

The younger man swings to gawk at him. “Are you kidding me?” When Jester just motions to the steering wheel, BrownMan removes his mask and mimics his motions. “I don’t know how to drive!”

“How do you not know how to drive?!” He shouts as he pulls off his mask as well.

“Well, you don’t know how to drive either!” BrownMan shouts back.

“I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, I JUST DON’T HAVE A LICENSE!”

“WE JUST ROBBED A BANK AND YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE?!” BrownMan just shakes his head and tosses both their masks onto the sidewalk. “Jester, just floor it. I hear more sirens.”

The Lads speed east as Boss, Risemonger, and Chainsaw exit the bank. Boss still has his gun pointed at both of them, but they’ve gone a little lax on the hostage charade since the street is still empty. Risemonger sighs. “Are you still serious about keeping those idiots?”

“Why? They passed.” Boss doesn’t look around as he heads for a car they had parked in front of the bank earlier.

“They forgot the money!” Risemonger directs both arms at a backpack on the sidewalk.

Boss closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Chainsaw just laughs as she drops the backpack BrownMan had left next to her and picks up the money.

King comes back on the channel as the Lads careen down Vinewood Boulevard.

“Channels are going quiet. BrownMan, Jester, if you get caught: make sure they don’t find the earpieces. And remember your cover story.”

“How are we supposed to get rid of them?” Jester squawks.

“Toss ‘em in the bushes or something, I don’t know!” The sound crackles. “We’re going quiet. Good luck, idiots.”

Jester looks over at BrownMan who’s turned towards the back, looking out the window for police vehicles. BrownMan faces front again. “Jester!”

Jester looks forward and swerves to avoid an oncoming car, sending them careening across the street into a parking lot.

The Vinewood Police Station parking lot.

BrownMan is hitting his head repeatedly on the dashboard as an officer approaches the car.

“Are you boys, okay?”

Jester switches into character automatically. “They’re not—they’re not following us anymore, are they?”

“Who is ‘they’?”

“The people that robbed the bank.” BrownMan taps his fingers on his knees, glancing behind them sporadically. “We were just walking down the street and they pulled us in. Said they wouldn’t kill us if we helped them. They wanted us to drive them away, but we left them behind.” He lets his head fall back against the headrest. “Oh god, they’re going to kill us now aren’t they?”

The officer eyes them, two scared teens in jumpsuits that are too big for them. The one in the driver seat looks like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin; his hands are shaking so much above the steering wheel. “If you tell us everything, I’ll make sure they can’t hurt you.”

He escorts the boys out of the car, not noticing when they toss their earpieces into the planter near the door.

By the time police reinforcements arrive at the bank, all that’s left is a backpack on the sidewalk.

“Captain? You want us to call in the NOOSE guys?”

“No, those guys are assholes. Jones!” The captain waves another officer over. “You’re an electrician, ain’t ya?”

“Sir?” Jones raises his hands in front of him. “Not for that kind of elect—”

“Shut up and check the bag, Jones.”

The officer carefully approaches the bag, unzipping it and rifling through its contents.

“We’re clear.” Jones calls back.

“What’s inside?” The captain walks up.

Jones pulls out handfuls of shredded counterfeits and green rubber duck. He looks at the bottom of it and hands it to his captain.

Better luck next time, dick heads.
                                -Fake AH