Chapter Text
So, crackers.
If you ever visit the museum, I must politely request that you don’t mention them. Even if you are hungry. Even if you have a specific craving. There are plenty of other snacks at the giftshop or in the few vending machines dotted about.
Wouldn’t you prefer a Twix?
But suppose you ignore this. Suppose you mention crackers. What will happen? I’ll tell you. The exhibits within hearing range will immediately stop in their tracks. They’ll frown. They’ll turn and look at you disapprovingly. And that is because inside they are having flashbacks. Specifically flashbacks of him.
And God forbid he hears you mention the thin, dry biscuits.
Because he will come running. He will sprint at an unholy speed towards you. Although it might take a while for him to reach you due to his tiny legs.
Ever since Jedediah finally accepted that his guns did not shoot, he realised they were basically useless. Therefore, he made the executive decision to get rid of them entirely. No point in carrying unnecessary weight. But he didn’t want to get rid of the holsters. Redundant or not, they tied his outfit together really nicely. What kind of cowboy would he be if he didn't look stylish?
So, to give them more use then just being a bold fashion statement, he stuffed them with crackers.
Jedediah loved crackers.
Larry had started bringing in food for the many parties they had at the museum, and everyone was eager to try them. The exhibits never felt hunger (even the ones who used to be alive. Their stomachs had been removed or disintegrated a long time ago). But their desire to eat and discover different foods hadn't left them. Taste was a sensation the Tablet had granted them, and they were going to make the most of it.
For the miniatures, Larry picked out and commissioned smaller versions of various foods so they could have an easier eating experience. He regretted not thinking of this during his first shopping haul. Turns out that if there are large portions, then the tiny figurines eat the entirety of said portions.
No matter how big.
To this day the night guard is still in disbelief on how they managed to consume so much cake. The amount of chaos that sugar-high miniatures can create is absolutely unbelievable.
One cowboy in particular had taken a liking to the crackers. Not with cheese though. He hated the stuff, to the point where it was like he had a phobia of yellow substance. He started asking Larry to specifically bring him them even during non-party nights.
Without his guns, working or not, Jedediah no longer had anything to threaten people with. So instead of getting a new weapon, he utilised what he already had. Jed’s handy snacks became deadly weapons. His unsuspecting enemies would get crackers and crumbs thrown at their faces until they finally surrendered. Or the more common outcome being that they got weirded out and left.
The elusive cracker-man didn’t stop there. The cowboy wanted to spread the word of the cracker. Jedediah became the cracker version of Santa, leaving crackers as gifts in various exhibits. He offered crackers to everyone he knew, offering them as an answer when he didn’t know how to reply.
Feeling sad? Have a cracker.
People can’t pronounce your name properly? Have a cracker.
The lid of your sarcophagus has gotten stuck and you’re panicking? Led ol’ Jedediah slip some crackers through the cracks.
The museum, specifically the dioramas, had made multiple complaints to Larry. Especially after Jed had taken on another mythical figure, sneaking into the miniature homes like The Tooth Fairy and leaving crackers under the unsuspecting homeowners' pillow. This was also true for the other exhibits who used pillows. Like eating, they didn’t need sleep, but sometimes it just felt right to buckle down and close their eyes.
To appease the miffed exhibits, Larry had instructed Octavius (“Yes, my liege!”) to have a little talk with the cracker man. Larry thought that the Roman might have better luck than him, being that he was much closer to Jed and all. Besides, they might be able to see eye to eye.
Because Larry definitely couldn’t.
His size meant he was immensely above their eye-level.