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I love you. I love you. Iloveyou.
The unspoken words repeated in his brain and took action as he kissed Sam passionately.
Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don'tleaveme.
******
I wake up in a cold sweat. Looking around to find myself alone in bed, again, and it wasn't going to change. He was gone.
I haven't slept in days. Each time I try to sleep, that night comes back to me.
*****
"Wha..? Where?" I say, waking up. I remember a crash, and Sam. I try and sit up, but harsh force pushes me down. I start to fight back, I need to get to Sammy.
"Hey, whoa. Sir. Sir. Calm down. You've been in a crash." A man's voice rings in my ears. I can't see, all I know is I have to get to Sammy.
"I know." I say, even though I barely remember anything but sudden pain while singing along to a song Sam hated, just to annoy him. I try sitting up again, but he pushes me down. I want to growl at him, but a pain in my side and chest stop me.
"Sir, you are in critical condition and if you don't lay back down, we will sedate you." He says calmly. I lay back down obediently, wincing slightly in pain. I only do it so I can find out where Sammy is.
"Where's Sam?"
******
I look at the clock. I've barely slept an hour. It's better than I've slept since that day. I take one more glance at the clock and stand up. Only to be forced back down by a raging headache.
******
"Your husband is in critical condition just like you. He's in another ambulance, where they have more room to take care of him."
"What? No, I need to see him."
"Sir you can't-"
"Sit up, yeah I got that." I start to pant, it's hard to breathe. It feels like there's a weight sitting on my chest.
The man stays quiet. The other medic starts to ask me questions.
"Where were you headed?"
"Home."
"Why? What were you doing out?" I smile.
"You sound like a worried, mother." She smiles at me.
"Yes, but I'm only trying to keep you awake."
"Alright, well we were out for our anniversary night."
"Happy anniversary." I laugh hollowly.
"Sorry, you missed it by a couple months. But don't worry, so did we."
*******
I'm finally able to stand up and make it outside my room. My stomach protests and tries to force up what little I ate last night. I force it back down, holding onto the door frame of my bedroom before walking again. I've been a mess, just like this, ever since he..ever since Sam, my husband.. Tears form in my eyes as suppressed memories force their way to the front of my thoughts.
*******
"You missed your anniversary? Why? Your lives must have been pretty busy." The female medic says.
"Yeah, actually. I work as a teacher, which didn't happen until after I married him." She smiles." And he's a lawyer. He had a pretty big case, you probably heard of it. It was all over the news."
"The one with the double homicide?"
"That's the one."
"Wait, so he's Sam Winchester?"
"That's my husband."
"Wow. I should thank him when he comes to." I barely spot the male nurse give her a glare out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head slightly to look at him.
"You don't think he'll make it do you?"
"No. I don't. I don't want to get you're hopes up either. It was a pretty bad wreck. The other person died instantly, it's a wonder either of you were still living by the time we got here." I give a small smile.
"It's a miracle, then."
*****
I haven't been the same since that night. It was just our anniversary dinner we missed months prior. God, I wish our last kiss I would've at least said 'I love you'. I start to cry. I barely make it to the kitchen table before tears are overflowing and flooding my cheeks.
It's hard to do anything these days. I can barely make it to the coffeemaker without thinking of him. Without thinking of that night.
*******
We finally make it to the hospital, but they still won't let me see Sam. I don't even get to see him going in because they don't pass him. They immediately take me into an examining room and look me over. I'm so distraught that I pass out after another minute.
I wake up later and look around the room and see a figure standing in the hospital room with me. I smile.
"Sam?" I try and say, but my voice comes out hoarse from all not speaking for.... I don't know how long, but also probably from the wreck.
"No, Gabriel." A familiar voice that isn't Sam's says. My smile disappears, and I know Castiel notices. He's probably hurt by it, by I can't find it in myself to care about him at the moment.
"Castiel, where is Sam?"
"He's in surgery."
"How bad is he?"
"Pretty bad." I start to tear up.
"Details, Cas. I need details." I say in frustration. "They won't tell me how bad, just that one of those dick paramedics thinks he won't make it. That's as detailed as it got. Cas, what has happened to him?" Tears start to run down my face. My brother sighs next to me and puts his hand over mine.
"He might, he might not. His chances are very slim. He... He's so far had to get about thirty staples in his skull, twenty different wounds needed stitching, four of his ribs are broken, and he came pretty close to having his lung collapsed." He tells me with grief.
"He won't make it will he?"
"He might. Pray for a miracle Gabriel. You had more faith than the both of us at one point you know."
"That was when Dad was around and before he disowned Lucifer and a third of our family line. Then he disappeared for twenty years. I don't have faith, because a miracle would have at least told us whether he was alive or not."
"I know, Gabe, I know. But you can't give up on Sam. Not yet."
*******
I feel like I can't breathe. My throat closes up and I scratch at it. A sob forces it way out and I choke. After a few minutes I feel like I can breathe again, which leaves me gasping for air. I gulp down more air, before I force myself to continue along the path to the coffeemaker. I can see my depression pills from here. Just a little farther.
*****
"How is he?" I ask the doctor when he comes into Sam's room. It had been about a week since the crash. I healed up pretty nicely, except for my ribs. They were still in pretty bad shape. Apparently the bottom one had broken and cut a gash in my stomach, so now I can only eat soft foods and dissolvable pills until it's better. Which should only be a few more days, thankfully.They finally let me into Sam's room, even let me sleep there until out of the hospital.
"He's.... healing. Physically. Much of his wounds are all better, but like we said, he slipped into a coma. He may not wake up for weeks, months, even years." I nod my head solemnly and look at Sam. I squeeze his hand with both my own. Tears prick my eyes as I try to fight back the sadness.
Sam will get better. He will. He'll see me again. He'll come back to me. I just have to wait a little longer.
******
After what seems like a lifetime, I reach the coffeemaker. I down the pills dry and quickly pour water into the machine and put in some of the coffee grounds. Thoughts of the night of the crash and the week after disappear. I try to fight my last memory of him, but it beats my will and I shut my eyes tightly, trying to dispel it before I cry again.
******
A small movement wakes me up instantly. I hadn't slept since the night of the crash except for a few twenty minute naps here and there. I can't sleep, I had to know Sam would be ok. I almost think I dreamt the feeling, when a hand closes over mine. I look up into the hazel eyes that I fell in love with the first time I saw them.
"Sam?" I smile, tears pricking my eyes. He gives a weak smile.
"Hey, Gabe." I smile then and move so I'm right in front of him. I brush some of his hair from his eyes so he can see me.
"How you doing, Sam?"
"I feel like a piece of shit."
"Yeah well, that's what happens when you get in a crash." He looks at me confused.
"Is that what happened?" I nod. "Well, my head hurts."
"I'll call the nurse for you. They'll probably want to know you're awake anyways." I can't help but smile, Sam wasn't in a coma anymore. He can get better. He will get better.
The nurse walks in and smiles at me. "Yes, Ga- Sam! You're awake." She smiles. She takes a look at the monitor and then her smile is gone. She runs out the door, and I panic. I look over at Sam. He looks like he's drifting off again. I look at the monitor and stare in horror as his brain wave levels drop. I grab Sam's face and force him to look at me.
"You aren't gonna die, Sam. Not on my watch. Sam!" He smiles weakly.
"I had a dream, where they said, I would die. I could only do one more thing. I could have any wish I wanted. I wished for you Gabe. I wished to see you once last time. To hear your voice. To kiss you. To say I love you, one last time." He smiles again. Tears fall from my eyes as I sob at what Sam says. I give him a weak smile before leaning in to kiss him one last time.
*****
I grip the counter and dry heave into the sink. I can't take it anymore. I can't live with these memories. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I barely finish my coffee in the morning. Dean and Cas are making me move in with them next week. I won't be able to survive until them. These memories are killing me. They're killing me from the inside out. I won't survive. They're eating away my brain. I'll be an empty shell by the time they get to me. If only they hadn't taken that damned trip.
The coffeemaker makes a buzz as it stops pouring the coffee. I catch my breath and grab the mug away from the machine. I walk to the front door to get the morning paper. The one thing that somehow manages to get here before I can get up. Although it may be because it takes me half an hour to even get coffee anymore.
********
I pull back from Sam, to get one more look at him. He smiles weakly again. He rests his head back one last time. "I love you, Gabriel. Don't ever forget that." I'm about to say it back when the monitor goes off. I look at it in overwhelming fear and look back at Sam.
He's gone. No, no, he can't be gone. I didn't say I love you, back. I think. I grab at his face. "No. No, Sam! Sam! Come back to me! SAM! Sam!" My rising fears are confirmed, he will never hear me say I love him. "Sam, Sam I love you. I love you, you hear me! Damn it Sam! Sam, wake up! Let me say it too! Let me say it back! I love you, Sam! God damn it, Sam, come back to me! I can't live without you!"
I sob. "I love you. I love you. I love you." I grasp at his shoulders and cling to him. "Don't leave me, Sam. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Please, Sam. Don't leave me here alone." The next hour goes by in a blur. The nurses somehow pull me off of Sam. I'm a wreck and I know it. I don't care, my husband just died in front of me.
"No, you can't take me away from him!"
"Sir, sir! Sir, stop fighting! Sir, it's ok. Everything will be ok!" I feel a sharp prick in my arm and my vision goes fuzzy.
"I can't leave him. I love him."
My vision goes black.
*****
I finally make it to the front door. Something I've barely achieved over the last week. I have barely made it to the couch before collapsing in sleep deprived exhaustion. I open the door slowly. It seems heavier than ever. I look down at my arms, I can start to see bone. I look away in disgust and sorrow. Sam could have lived. I didn't hope enough.
I look down at the paper through the screen door. A bright light suddenly blinds me and I raise my hand to shield my eyes. I look up and watch the sun rise. I might not be able to sleep, but at least I'm awake for the sunrise. I might not be able to eat as much as I did before, but Cas will come and help me soon. I just have to hope for a little longer I will survive this downfall.
I might be sleepless, but that doesn't mean I can't get through this. I will, I just need to have hope. When Cas gets here, he'll help me through it. He'll tell me what an idiot I've been. That Sam wouldn't want this.
I might be sleepless for now, but I'll sleep. I'll be at peace with Sam's death, but I know I won't love again.