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When Rafael stood up after telling her he would be there when she stopped feeling betrayed by him she wasn’t surprised. He basically told her he loved her without actually telling her again, and of course now he would turn back and leave her again. It was always like this with him. He would confess without confessing and then leave. Last time it happened in front of the courthouse, she beat herself for months for not saying anything. She didn’t want to make same mistake again. But what could she say? She was angry, she was hurt, and she felt betrayed. She couldn’t say “stay”, she didn’t want him to stay. Being around him hurt too much. She couldn’t say “I forgive you” she didn’t, she couldn’t forgive him. She didn’t know what made her more angry; him leaving, him defending Wheatley, or him bringing up Elliot to their problems… So she said the only thing she knew that was true.
Olivia: Rafa?
Rafael: What?
Olivia: I missed you too.
And of course he walked away again. At least this time she said something. So she ordered a bottle of cabernet and called Rollins.
Olivia: Hi. I am at Forlini’s.
Amanda: Barba there?
Olivia: He just left.
Amanda: From one to ten, how bad is it between you guys?
Olivia: Well I ordered a bottle of Cabernet.
Amanda: Coming there right away. Carisi can spend some quality time with the girls and Noah.
Amanda arrived half an hour later, and Olivia told her about her conversation with Barba, leaving the unconditional love parts out.
Amanda: Liv, why do you really hold on to this? I know and understand you didn’t ask for his help or protection but he did it for you. Also it is not the first time you ended up with different opinions on people or cases. You always moved on before.
Olivia: I didn’t ask him to protect me. I asked him, hell begged him not to defend Wheatley. But he did it anyway.
Amanda: Which is bad and annoying but do you really believe it is good enough reason to write him off from your life or Noah’s for a year?
Olivia: I never stopped him from seeing or talking to Noah. He didn’t ask. He disregarded my wishes and disrespected me by thinking I couldn’t protect myself. Also he went after me pretty hard on the stand.
Amanda: Carisi thinks he pulled his punches.
Olivia: Yeah he told me that too, tell me how he pulled his punches? He made a courtroom full of people watch the interrogation and painted me as a pushover woman who man can manhandle and a bad cop doing favours to her old partner.
Amanda: Apparently he was doing the lesser evil defence, that’s what Carisi said. He said DA’s office was actually relieved when Barba took the case. They were worried since the case mostly stood on by your and Stabler’s testimonies, any questions regarding your credibility and integrity would be the end of the case.
Olivia: He painted me as a weak woman who is doing favours to her old partner. I think that is harmful to both.
Amanda: Honey, they were worried any other defence lawyer would bring up Lewis and your confession on perjury. Also you testified telling Lewis that your old partner would know what to do with him. Right before beating him to almost death.
Olivia was shocked. She never considered that. She felt safe knowing no one could have access to those court minutes because they were sealed.
Olivia: Those records are sealed.
Amanda: Because Barba asked a judge to do it. But Wheatley had a lot of reach Liv. Also the confession was on live TV.
Olivia: Somehow I would feel better any other defence attorney asking me about that on the stand than Rafael painting me as a battered woman. And still I could protect myself on the stand. Yes we would lose the case, and we did lose it anyway but I would only lose the case, not my faith in him.
Amanda: He still shows up anytime you need him, he is still trying. You are the one keeping him away, this is not his choice.
Olivia: Because it hurts too much to be around him. You don’t get it Amanda. He shouldn’t have done it.
Amanda: He shouldn’t have protected you, your integrity and possibly your job?
Olivia: Yes
Amanda: why?
Olivia: It wasn’t his place. He gave up that right long time ago. It is always like this with him. And he has the nerve to ask me why I am angrier to him then Elliot? He makes me depend on him. He makes me feel like he will always be there for me. He looks at me in a way that makes me feel special and powerful, like I can get over anything. He listens, he doesn’t judge, he comforts and he supports me. And then he leaves. He takes everything away. That’s what Barba does.
Amanda: Well he did it only once and he was in a very bad place.
Olivia scolded Amanda.
Amanda: Hey I am not defending him. I am pretty mad at him for leaving too. I am just trying to understand. He came back Liv. And you never gave him the opportunity to make it up to you. Also I think Stabler coming back made him unsure of his place in your life. And Stabler did all those things too and you were pretty quick to forgive him.
Olivia took a long drink from her glass.
Olivia: I am tired of people assuming things about me and Elliot. My problems with Rafa has nothing to do with Elliot. Also people should stop comparing them. Elliot was my friend and partner and at some point he was singlehandedly the most important person in my life. But whatever that relationship was, it wasn’t like mine and Rafa’s. I once told Nick that I grew up more with him in 4 years then I ever did with Elliot in 12 years. And it was true. That partnership never allowed for anything else. Elliot was important to me but I was never his priority. Of course I meant and still mean world to him but he was a father and a husband first. He would easily die for me, he still would but his first priority was and always will be his family. He never denied it or acted like it wasn’t. He always had my back but I never really depended on him. I never really asked his support, yes I wanted his attention and approval and maybe I even wanted him. So when he left, yes I was heartbroken, and I was angry but in his absence I thrived. I love Elliot, he is a good man but with him in my life, I would never had what I have now, I wouldn’t have a family, I wouldn’t be a captain, I wouldn’t become a mother. So deep down I am grateful to him for leaving, for giving me space to grow up. I don’t know if I still want him or we could ever work out, and I think a part of me who is a lot younger will always love and want him. When I see Elliot I don’t feel hurt, I feel safe. I know on the paper Rafa looks like the safer option but he isn’t. He makes me depend on him, on his support, his friendship, his love and then he goes away. He takes care of me but when he needs to be taken care of, he runs away. He will never let himself feel or be vulnerable around me or anyone else. It is not in him. When things get hard for him emotionally, Rafa runs away. And it is not only after his trial he ran away. For years he would imply being in love with me and then he would leave right after saying it. But last time when he did it after his trial, when he chose to ran away to heal himself instead of staying here and letting me help him, when he chose to move to another state instead of staying here and try to work things out with me, he lost his right to be that man for me. To be the man who protects me or takes care of me even when I don’t ask or want it. He can’t have it both ways. I can’t go down from the same road Amanda. The end of that road hurts a lot.
Amanda: I hear you.
Olivia: Thank you
Amanda: How come you guys never did it?
Olivia: We did.
Amanda: What? I thought you didn’t date lawyers!
Olivia: We didn’t date, it was a one night stand, and it was years ago. Rafa can be very persuasive when he wants to be. But afterwards we decided it wasn’t worth the risk.
Amanda: He was not good?
Olivia laughed.
Olivia: He was very good actually. But I dated an ADA before, I already knew what would happen, at the end we either had to disclose which at that time meant one of us would be transferred or we would have gotten caught and both would lose our jobs. I didn’t want to go through the same heartbreak and told Rafa we should forget that night. He was fine with it.
Amanda: When was this?
Olivia: Several weeks before I started dating Ed.
The rest of the night spent drinking and talking, it was very late when they both went home and next morning they both had hangovers. Olivia felt better after talking with Amanda. Bottling up all these emotions were causing her stress. It was the first night in a year that she slept all through the night without waking up feeling depressed.