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Laura reached up and took her Dad’s hand. At six years old, the warmth of his large hand around hers was the best form of comfort she could find. He gave her a quick smile before looking back at the stone in front of them. The air around them was still and silent.
“You should burn them, Daddy,” Laura whispered.
Her father nodded but didn’t move. Staring at the words that Laura could just manage to read if she really focused, ‘Until we meet again, my dear, a day, forever, or a year. I will love you’
Laura slipped forward and took the two letters from her dad’s free hand and placed them on the top of the gravestone. She stepped back and took her Dad’s hand again, burying her face in his side.
The action spurred Mr Hollis. He pulled a lighter from his pocket and gently lit the corner of both envelopes, the tiny flame beginning to lick its way down the paper.
“You think she’ll get them?” Laura asked, face still buried.
Her Dad lifted her into his arms, “I know she will, pumpkin.”
Laura peeked out from her dad’s neck, “We can come back right? And send more?”
“Whenever you want,” he said.
They watched the flame grow a little bigger, a small poof of smoke drifting off.
Laura’s eye grew big as she watched the smoke, “Daddy, Daddy,” she started squirming and poked her Dad in the neck, “Look!”
A small breeze whisked across their faces, picking up the smoke and carrying it straight upward. Twirling faster and faster as it rose directly upward.
Laura smiled and laughed, “Hi, Mommy.”
#
Dear Mommy,
I wrote this letter all by myself. Daddy said that he’d help me but I wanted to do it all by myself because it is the most important letter. I worked really hard on all the words just like you said and I even got out the special crayons because I wanted to make sure that this was the bestest letter ever.
What do angels look like? Daddy says that you’re with the angels now and I would like to know what they look like and what heaven looks like. Could you tell me Mommy? Could you come visit? I would like you to visit very much because I miss you alot and I really want to see you. Also, I miss your hugs because you give the best hugs and you squeeze the perfect amount. I like Daddy hugs but they’re not the same as Mommy hugs.
Hold on. I broke my crayon.
I think Daddy is sad, Mommy. And I don’t want him to be sad. Gramma says that it's okay to be sad but I want to help him be less sad. I gave him Mr Bear. He smiled and we cuddled and that was a happy thing. I had Daddy and Sir Bunny and Daddy had me and Mr Bear and we sat in the big comfy chair and we just hugged and Daddy sang me little songs and it made me a little less sad. Do you think it made Daddy a little less sad too?
Until I get to see you again have fun with the angels, Mommy.
Don’t worry, I’ll be a good girl.
I love you to heaven and back,
Laura
#
My Dear,
Laura misses you. I’ve got no idea how to help her.
She forgets sometimes. She’ll be playing and just call out your name. My heart breaks all over again when I come to the door instead and have to see her face when she remembers. There’s a small moment of of confusion before her face falls. I’ve got no idea how to stop that.
She hates thunder now. You remember she used to love storms? The two of you would put on bathing suits and go running out into the pouring rain, screaming and laughing while I got to watch. Now she flinches. Our baby girl flinches. She’ll climb into our bed, in the space that was yours, and curl up next to me.
She’ll shiver until I wrap my arms around her. Those are the nights I sleep best. The nights that cause our baby girl pain bring me comfort.
I’m sorry.
But I can’t tell her to leave.
She’s all I have of you.
Your husband
#
Dear Mommy,
Guess what? Daddy let me have a real big girl sleepover with my friends for my tenth birthday!
There was cake! And Cookies. I love cookies. They’re the best. All my friends came and they brought presents and we set up a giant fort in the basement and got to sleep inside of it and everything.
It was awesome. I just wanted to let you know.
Love you until I see you again!
Say hi to Gramma and the angels for me!
Laura
#
My Dear,
She’s growing up so fast. Laura looks more like you every day. That’s a good thing. While this ugly mug looks good on a fine fellow like me, it’s not exactly the face I’d want for my baby girl. It’s not her face that most reflects you though. It’s just who she is. How she’ll make me stop on the street to buy the homeless a hotdog or yell at bullies on the playground or easily chatter away to strangers.
She makes me nervous. I’m signing her up for Krav Maga.
Our girl, she’s a handful. It’s all I can do to keep her safe. I know what you’d say. It’s honourable to stand up for others. It’s good to trust in the world. But, that’s how I lost you and I don’t know how to keeping her safe if I let her be like you. I couldn’t save you.
Is it wrong to want to see her alive and a little less happy instead of absolutely thrilled and then dead?
I was never meant to do this without you.
Your husband.
#
Dear Mom,
I don’t know what to do and I’m scared and confused and Dad just doesn’t get it because I don’t know how to really tell him. I mean, I’m pretty sure that he’d be kind and understanding and just nod a lot but what if he doesn’t and what if everything changes. Because as much as I want some things to change, like maybe getting a cell phone, I don’t want Dad to not love me.
Not that I think he wouldn’t love me but what if he doesn’t. Just like, that 1% chance.
Even thinking about it makes me want to throw up a little. But I still want to try and tell him because he’s Dad and he’s all I’ve got and I don’t want us to have secrets like that.
So maybe I could practice on you?
I don’t actually know how you would respond either but somehow I think you’d be okay with it. Like you’d give me a hug and smile and ask me to tell you all about it and we’d make hot chocolate and sit on the swing on the porch and just giggle. I don’t know if that’s what you’d do, but that’s what I imagine.
Maybe you already know. You probably do, if you’ve been watching at all. I like to think that you watching. It makes me feel safe. Plus, this way when I finally get to see you again you’ll already know all about me and I won’t have to catch you up.
So you probably already know. I mean, I haven’t exactly been as subtle as I should have been. What with all the staring. And blushing. I do a lot blushing. Dad says you were the same. But she’s just so pretty, Mom, I don’t know how people don’t stare at her. She sits in front of me in French and I don’t hear a word of that class.
On a completely unrelated note, I’m sort of failing grade 10 french.
Alright, so let’s do this. Even though you probably already know. But I’m here and I think it might be kind of nice to just say it. We can laugh about this later.
Here we go.
Love,
Laura
#
Dear Mom,
I think I’m in love. No. Scratch that. I’d like to clarify that I am 100% head over heels in love. It’s not all what I thought it would be. That doesn’t mean it’s bad. Not at all. It’s just different than the world leads you to expect. I guess, I always thought that love was butterflies in the stomach and an immediate connection where you just look at someone and immediately know that you’re always going to be together.
This wasn’t like that at all. Like at all, at all. As in, I kind of hated her. I know! Me, hate someone. That should have told me right there that she was going to be different. But she was just so sarcastic and annoying and she is the absolute worst at keeping anything clean and she enjoys driving me insane.
And that hasn’t changed. She’s still like that.
But somewhere along the way, instead of the butterflies and shock that I’d been expecting, I sort of tumbled into something deeper. It wasn’t so much about what she did but it about who she was. Who she is. She’d not just dirty dishes and sarcastic comments. She’s also small smiles and a hand on my forehead. She’s a mug of hot chocolate and a stolen pillow.
She’s standing behind me and in front of me and beside me all at once.
And maybe that makes no sense but together it makes a whole picture and yeah, maybe that picture is a little bit broken, but somehow that part of what makes it a picture.
So, mom, I fell in love.
And it really hasn’t been easy. Not the loving part. Loving is easy in a way that I hadn’t expected. WHat’s harder is demonstrating it. Keeping all the weird stuff and events in my life from burying it until she can’t see it anymore. The universe is keeping me on my toes. But I love her. Like Rose and the Tenth Doctor in Love. Buffy and Angel.
Actually that last one is pretty on point.
I suppose I should mention that she’s a vampire. Yupp. I know. A real one. I mention it only because I forgot to mention it to Dad because honestly, it doesn’t really matter that much to me. It’s just another part of her picture. But Dad seemed to think it’s a pretty big deal. He freaked out a little.
Although he started to come around once he realized that there were worse things than having your daughter date someone who is capable of whooshing her away from danger at a moments notice.
But I wanted to make sure you knew too. Her name is Carmilla. She’s a vampire. I love her.
That pretty much brings you up to speed. Although, I’m sure you already know all this because you’ve been watching.
All my love,
Laura
#
My Dear,
Our baby girl got married yesterday. They tell me it was sunny and that the ceremony was beautiful. All I saw was our baby girl. I’m so proud of her. I know you would be too. She’s built such a wonderful life for herself. A lovely wife. Great friends. A job she loves.
I guess I didn’t mess up too much. I had your genes to keep her straight.
Darling, I cried. I’m not even ashamed. The Father of the Bride is allowed to cry when his baby girl steps out in her mother’s white dress. I couldn’t say which of you looked more beautiful. My girls. Both stealing my breath in the same dress.
She let me give her away. I wouldn’t have been upset if she wanted to walk alone but I’m so glad she let me walk with her. Side by side.
I’ll admit that, as much as I like Carmilla, I was always hesitant. That’s my baby girl and I’ll only tolerate the best.
I’m not worried anymore. I got to see her face when she first saw Laura. She’s in good hands. No-one who looks at our baby girl like that could ever do her wrong.
I’m so happy for them. We all know that you are too.
Love,
your husband
#
Dear Mrs Hollis,
We’ve met in the past, Laura’s brought me to see you on multiple occasions. However, I never felt it was my place to write to you as I never had the opportunity to meet you. Perhaps, though I feel it is nearly a cliche to say so, it occurs to me that we may understand each other. For we both love Laura and have the privilege of being loved by the sunshine that is your daughter.
As such, I didn’t feel it right to not speak to you on this matter.
For at the heart of this, only one of us can spend eternity with her.
Laura, silly, impetuous, lovable Laura has been begging me for sometime to turn her into a vampire. And I find myself at a loss. For while I would never wish the fate of immortality on anyone, I find myself inching towards giving in. I have strived to love you daughter in the best way I can and to be the best version of myself in honour of her love.
This would shatter that.
Turning Laura would be the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I know this. But I still want it. I’m still inclined to give in the impulse that we allow me the opportunity to wake up every morning and see her smiling, drooling face and messed up hair. The choice that will mean I always have a pair of arms to curl up in and a continual reason to keep the cupboard stocked with cookies. It will mean never having to waltz alone again.
It should be an easy choice. It’s what Laura claims she wants. It’s certainly what I want in the deepest dredges of my long worn heart.
But as long as I’ve known her, Laura has always spoken of you and how she cannot wait to see you again. Of how she knows you’re waiting.
And I consider my own family. My dear Papa and Mama who could wait for me forever and still never hold me in their arms and I wonder how that’s a choice I can make. How can I be the one to take that from both of you?
For she is my wife and you, I suppose, are my mother. I only want what’s best for you. I would burn myself a thousand times over if it kept her warm.
And I suppose that is my answer.
Perhaps I can shoulder the pain, the burning, of knowing that I’m the one who doomed Laura to this eternity if I also know it’s what she wants.
Truthfully, I don’t think I started writing this letter with any other conclusion. That begs the question of why I even began writing. You are important to Laura and I want to honour that. I am not asking for your permission, with all due respect, this is not your choice.
But I am asking for your forgiveness.
That is a lot to ask. I would know. The idea of anyone snatching Laura from me with no chance of ever seeing her again fills my eyes with red and tears my heart clear from my chest. I don’t believe that I could ever forgive the perpetrator of my greatest sorrow. And yet, still I ask. Without expecting an answer.
I can promise you that I’ll do everything in my power to make her happy but I cannot promise that she will not feel sorrow. I can promise you that I’ll love her forever but I cannot promise that I won’t hurt her. I can promise you that I’d die before I let someone kill her but I cannot promise that living alone won’t be worse.
I love her. I hope that is enough.
Respectfully,
Carmilla
#
Carmilla focused and a small flame appeared to slowly eat away the envelope, clearing a small hole in the snow where she’d placed it on the gravestone.
Laura leaned over and took her hand, mitten in mitten, “I can’t believe you didn’t let me read it.”
“it wasn’t for you, cupcake,” Carmilla said, planting a kiss on Laura’s head. Then she turned to walk away.
Laura tugged her back, “You’ve got to wait.”
“Cupcake…” Carmilla started.
“Wait.” Laura insisted.
So they waited, watching as the envelope burned down until only a nub of white was left.
Something in Carmilla’s gut twisted. “I don’t think this one has a happy ending, cupcake.”
Almost as the last word cleared her tongue, wind blasted forward. It caressed the two woman and carried on, taking the smoke, snow, and remnants of the envelope straight up with it.
“Told you,” Laura’s voice was almost smug.
Carmilla didn’t care, a smile broke out across her face as she stared at the uncovered gravestone. She reached out, pulling Laura close and laughing as she said the gravestone’s words aloud, “Until we meet again, my dear, a day, forever, or a year. I will love you.”