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The plan was simple enough.
He was going to stand there and watch.
No one had noticed him slip into the chapel, so he was in the clear right?
Sweeping his eyes over the backs of the assembled guests he could just make out the back of Ian Malcolm’s head on the bride’s side of the church.
The whole ride over he warred with himself about whether or not he should even be here . He wasn’t invited, so the short answer to that was no . He should not be here because she didn’t want him to be and he understood her reasons why.
But Alan Grant was a bit of a fucking masochist.
He thought he could do it.
Alan thought he could really stand there and watch as Ellie Staller married someone else, in what, some sort of warped form of closure?
Christ , maybe he was delusional.
He felt several things all at once: anger, mostly at himself for letting her go, for not fighting hard enough to keep her. He was jealous, even though he knew he had no right to be. But most of all he felt an overwhelming sense of grief –– a very deep sorrow that this was their true end.
He couldn’t help the way his chest ached at watching her stand there, smiling at another man. He hid his shaking hands in his pocket and he willed the ringing in his ears to stop.
Alan couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He always knew Ellie would be a beautiful bride, and the warmth that filled his chest at the sight of her quelled the anger a bit, she looked absolutely radiant in her white lace floor length gown. The dress hugging her curves in all the right places.
He shouldn’t be here. Goddamn it, what was he thinking?
Alan curses Ian. Ian fucking Malcolm –– how is it that chaos seemed to follow him wherever he goes.
He was doing just fine before the Chaotician found him a few days ago in that bar. He wouldn’t have had this emotional upheaval if it hadn’t been for him.
—
Alan feels a tap on his right shoulder and turns his head in that direction but furrows his brow when sees no one.
“Thought I’d find you here,” he startles at the voice coming to his left.
“Ian?” He looks up at the other man. “What the fuck?”
Ian plops down in a chair at his table without being asked and signals the bartender for a drink.
“I went to your dig site and one of your students told me it’s Wednesday so I should look for you here.”
Alan frowns, not sure he likes that people seem to be familiar enough with him that they’ve picked up on what he does in his down time.
“You know, Alan, there’s more to life than just old fossils and alcohol.”
“I don’t have a drinking problem Ian, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
He was officially annoyed. So what if he’d made it a habit of coming to the bar on Wednesdays, lots of people did it, and he didn’t have a problem. Besides, there wasn’t much to do in this town anyway. This was his way to unwind at least once a week, and it was an activity he preferred to do alone .
And now that Ian knows where to find him, he briefly wonders if he should find another bar.
Alan had never gone out of his way to see Ian, and yet the man always seemed to know where to find him. And sure, a part of him –– buried somewhere deep inside –– had a soft spot for the Chaotician, but he’ll only ever admit that to himself and he’ll only acknowledge it when he’s not annoyed.
“No, no, no. I didn’t mean to suggest there was an issue,” Ian backs down as the bartender places his drink in front of him. “But sometimes two is better than one, don’t you think?”
“What are you doing here Ian?”
Ian brings his glass to his lips, “I was just passing through. Wanted to visit an old friend.”
Alan gives him a dubious look, “I’d hardly say we’re friends.
Reluctant friends , Alan amends to himself. Ian had a way of worming his way into people’s lives, especially his, and he suspected there was more to the man’s visit than he was letting on.
“Why are you really here?”
“Ellie’s getting married this weekend.”
Alan falters as he takes a sip of his drink. His chest tightening as his shoulders tense.
He fixes Ian with a hard stare, “You come all this way just to tell me that?”
“Not really,” Ian shrugs nonchalantly. “But it’s a great conversation starter isn’t it?”
Alan can only manage a grunt in response.
He had known Ellie was engaged, of course. She had told him in her last email but that was months ago now. He hadn’t replied then, but he had memorized it.
Hey old fossil,
I hope you’re well. I know it’s been awhile since we’ve walked but I wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday. I tried calling but couldn’t reach you. I hope you took some time off. Ian told me he found you in the dunes in Colorado and forced you to dinner, so at least I know you weren’t alone.
I heard you’re in Utah this summer, so don’t forget your sunscreen, mister. That hat is not enough to keep away the sun, no matter how much you insist that it will. You’ll thank me later when your face isn’t beet red and cracking.
I read your piece for that special issue of Reader’s Digest by the way, and very interesting theory Dr. Grant but have you considered that not all roads lead to Raptors? Just food for thought.
Look Alan, I know you said I don’t owe you anything, and I know that I don’t. But I’d rather you heard this from me and not someone else… I’m getting married. Can you believe it? I’m still wrapping my head around it.
Please understand why I can’t have you there, it’d be a little weird, you know? All things considered. My mother wants us to do it in a church… that’s the only say she gets in this and only because I’d never hear the end of it if we do it elsewhere, you know how she is.
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling now. Take care of yourself Alan, and don’t forget to give yourself a break.
To the moon, dinosaur man.
– Ellie
“She’s getting married at St. Peter’s,” Ian’s words call him back to the room. “I didn’t know Ellie was religious.”
“She’s not,” Alan answers automatically. “Not really, anyway. She was raised Catholic but she’s non-practicing. Her mother roped her into it.”
“You seem to know quite a lot.”
Alan rolls his eyes in response.
“I’ll tell you what,” the man says after a beat. “That Mark Deglar is one lucky bastard. Ellie’s fantastic so I hope he knows just how lucky he really is.” Ian takes a long pull of his drink. “I mean, I never stood a chance and you squandered it.” He raises his glass towards Alan. “Look at us, a couple of rejects soaking our wounds at the bar.”
“Ian, shut the fuck up,” Alan growls.
Ian ignored him.
“What happened between you two?”
“I don’t want to talk about this. I didn’t even ask you to come.”
Undeterred, the other man continues. “Because as I remember it, you guys were pretty in-sync. I mean, you followed her around the park for two days like some love sick puppy and practically threatened me with bodily harm for even breathing in her general direction,” Ian laughs. “It would have been concerning if Ellie hadn’t found it all so amusing. And then she risked her life to save your sorry ass.”
“I don’t need a play by play of what happened on the Island.”
Alan wasn’t above decking him, and he had just enough alcohol in his system to feel brave enough to do it.
“I’m just saying, after all you’ve been through together, I thought you’d come out on the other side. It seemed like you did, unless I imagined those looks in the back of the helicopter?” Ian raises a brow at him, questioning.
“It’s funny don’t you think?”
The question is rhetorical but against his better judgment Alan asks him anyway, “What is?”
“That you had everything in the palm of your hand,” Ian holds out his hand to illustrate his point. “And you let it go,” he turns his hand over and wiggles his fingers as if dissolving something into thin air.
“And now she’s marrying a man who’s not you.”
Alan moves to push back from the table, the legs of his chair scraping against the floor and he stands abruptly. He was done.
“Good night Ian,” he downs what’s left of his drink and walks out.
—
Goddamn Ian Malcolm.
He had tried to put the man’s words out of his head, and for the most part he had succeeded.
Alan threw himself into work, and just like he knew it would, it shut out his thoughts for hours on end –– all thoughts of Ellie, Mark Deglar, their wedding and Ian were replaced by dinosaur fossils and future lectures he forced himself to brainstorm early.
At night though, it was a different story. He couldn’t escape his thoughts then, so much so, that he’d barely slept in the nights leading up to Ellie’s wedding.
It didn’t help that he was also plagued with some of the worst nightmares he’d had in a while. One more violent than the last, and each time he lost her in a different horrific way he’d wake up screaming.
After his fourth consecutive nightmare –– another one where he had to watch her die, he decided to not go back to sleep at all. And it was on one of those nights that he booked a trip to Washington, D.C..
Alan had sat in front of St. Peter’s for ten minutes. He kept the car running in a vain attempt to talk himself out of going inside in the church but it didn’t work.
He rationalized that he if he could just slip in, watch her get married and then leave just as quietly, no one would have to know.
He should have known better than to think it would be that simple, however.
Alan couldn’t stop staring, and he found that he didn’t want to. If he were to never see her again after this, at least this is how he’d remember her.
Ellie had a way of lighting up any room she was in, she always pulled focus towards her, and she did it all without even noticing.
And today was her day to be noticed, and God was she beautiful. Angelic almost in the way she carried herself in her dress. He was simply bewitched by her.
“Ellen Marie Sattler,” he distantly heard the Priest’s voice start. “Do you take Mark Deglar to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
He tuned the man out after that but something happened then. Something Alan was sure only he noticed.
Ellie straightened up her back, and almost imperceptibly canted her head a little to the side… exactly in his direction.
And he suddenly sprung into action, “Don’t.” he hears himself say.
He locks eyes with Ellie as she turns around at the sound of his voice, and there’s an uproar from the crowd at the disturbance but he only sees her.
Out of the corner of his eye, though, he also sees her mother and if looks could kill, he knew he would be dead.
What the fuck is he doing?
“Alan?” Ellie calls softly, her blue eyes wide in shock and… did he detect a hint of relief?
He’d wouldn’t dare hope.
He takes a step closer and she mirrors it, though she catches herself.
“How are you here?”
“Ellie,” he sighs.
None of this was part of the plan, he wasn’t even supposed to be here. But maybe something in him had finally snapped or maybe it was the way Ellie was looking at him with a mixture confusion, relief and fondness… or maybe he’d just really lost his fucking mind.
Whatever it was –– he couldn’t stop the words from falling from his mouth now.
“Mark, I’m sorry but I love her,” he takes another step towards her and he can see Mark’s groomsman move towards him at the same time.
“No!” Ellie quickly steps in the way, getting in between them all. “Leave him.”
He’s emboldened by this, so he carries on. “You can’t have her. She’s mine.” He clears his throat, and turns apologetic eyes on Ellie, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to get all patriarchal.” He lowers his head for a moment. “But I’m hers just as well, Mark, that’s the way it’s always been, and always will be.”
“Alan,” Her voice sounds so close now and he looks up to find Ellie standing right in front of him.
“Ellie,” He stutters. “I’m a real fucking idiot.”
Alan’s eyes widen for a moment as he finds the Priest who just shakes his head at him. “Forgive me, Father.” the Priest waves it away.
“Ellie Sattler,” he starts again. “I’m an idiot with shit timing.” He drops his head to her forehead, closing his eyes. “But I love you and I didn’t forget that after you left. It was easier to let you go because you deserved to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. You deserved someone who could give you the life you wanted. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you because I know that I failed you, us, and that future we’d talked about.
“I wanted everything with you Ellie. The house with the white picket fence, the oak tree on the front lawn and the sandbox in the yard. I wanted the loud, messy and smelly kids… but I got scared. I got scared that I wouldn’t be good at it and I’d let you down anyway. And I still can’t promise that I’ll be any good, but I knew you would be. And my feelings haven’t changed.”
“Alan,” she whispers in his ear. “Look at me.”
Slowly he opens his eyes to meet her gaze, and he’s almost surprised at the intensity he finds there, “You do have the worst fucking timing,” she breathes. “All I’ve ever wanted was to hear you say that. I never asked you to be perfect. I only wanted you as you are.”
She takes a step back from him and he instantly misses their closeness.
“But why on my wedding day? Of all the times to do this, why now?”
Alan hangs his head, shaking it. “I don’t have a good answer for you.”
He takes a few breaths, and then says, “But it all seemed so final? And I’ll do it if I have to, but I realized I don’t want someone else living my life, Ellie.” He pauses for a moment, and then adds, “To the moon and back, remember?”
She gasps at that, and his lips pull up into a slight smirk.
“I didn’t know you read it. Or even if it got to you.”
He smiles softly at her. He doesn’t blame her for that reasoning, he hadn’t responded to her email and technology was a finicky thing in the nineties.
Alan sighs, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrupt your life like this.”
Ellie raises her brow at him, “It’s a little too late for that don’t you think?” She chuckles wetly. “There’s no way I can go back now anyway.”
And then she smiles at him, and it’s brilliant and God, it’s been so long since one of those smiles was because of him.
“Besides, I love you too. So what are we gonna do about that?”
She grabs his hand and squeezes it reassuringly, “Just give me a minute, okay?”
Alan nods mutely, suddenly unable to find his words.
He watches her go back up the steps to the altar, taking her veil off as she goes.
Her mother is by her side in a flash, and she speaks with her for a moment before turning to Mark, who just looks resigned as they talk.
Ellie kisses his cheek and Mark shakes his head in either acceptance or dejection, he couldn’t really tell, and he didn’t want to think about it too much either.
Finally, she starts to make her way back towards him and her smile is as brilliant as it was before and he feels like the luckiest man in the world because she’s chosen him again.
Alan takes her hand and locks their fingers together, bringing up their joined hands to kiss her knuckles.
“I don’t deserve you, Ellie.”
Ellie hums, “Maybe, maybe not,” she sing-songs. “But, for better or worse, you are the man I love,” she teases.
“Let’s get out of here before my mother tries to lock me away in a tower.”
Alan laughs as he starts pulling her out of the church and away from an even more confused audience.
“You know, for a moment there I thought I’d actually conjured you up with my thoughts,” It sounds like a confession and he stops in his tracks on the way to the car.
“What?” he asks softly, he can feel the way his heart picks up at her words.
“Yes,” she says. “I thought I had thought about you so much today already that I just made you up.”
Alan puffs out his chest, and then exhales. “Well, you’re no crazier than I am,” he jokes. “But you did tell me not to come.”
“I’m glad you didn’t listen.”
He opens the passenger door for her and helps her arrange the train of her dress in a way it’s comfortable for her to sit.
Alan quickly moves around to the driver's side, and she doesn’t waste another second before kissing him.
Her soft lips moving over his, and he can’t help the way he sighs into her mouth and he feels her smile beneath him. How could he ever have gone without this?
Just then the back door of the car opens and they break apart, both startled by the man jumping into the backseat.
Ian.
“You might want to floor it, I just made eye contact with Ellie’s mother and I’d hate to be on the receiving end of her wrath.”
Ellie gives him a blank stare, to which he responds, “Listen, I’m so happy you kids finally got it figured out, but put the pedal to the metal, old man. We gotta go.”