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Kiyoomi is a night person. He was never one to enjoy early mornings. He opted to sleep in whenever possible. That’s why he loves the saloon so much, it gives him the freedom to sleep later into the morning before he has to get up and open for the early afternoon customers. Waking up has always been difficult. His bones feel stiff, his eyes are blurry, he always feels groggy and it takes him entirely too long to feel like a functioning person after waking up.
None of this changes when Atsumu stays over, but sometimes it feels easier when he’s around. Waking up next to Atsumu makes the air feel a little lighter and a little warmer in the bedroom. Waking up wrapped in arms that are safe and secure. It feels like his bones loosen easier and the sleep leaves his eyes quicker. It feels comfortable and it feels easy.
Except for days like today. Days like today feel cold and weigh heavy on his mind, body, and his heart from the moment he wakes up. Sometimes before he even opens his eyes.
“Mornin’” Atsumu mumbles into the back of Kiyoomis neck, voice deep and laced with sleep. Kiyoomi places a hand over one of Atsumu’s arms that is wrapped around his waist and runs his fingers over it soothingly.
“Good morning, love” he says softly, looking across the bedroom at the early morning light slipping through the window and pouring onto the floor. They lay together quietly. Kiyoomi has been awake for a while, unable to stay asleep with all that was on his mind. So he waits for Atsumu to wake up, giving him time before Kiyoomi ruins their delicate morning.
“When do you have to go?” Kiyoomi finally whispers. Said quietly, like if he says it quietly enough, Atsumu won’t hear. Like if he’s quiet enough, Atsumu won't have to leave again. He feels Atsumus breath stutter against the side of his neck
“Soon” is his reply “I have time for tea, but then I’ll have to go” he says and Kiyoomi can hear it in his voice that it gets harder for him to go every time.
“Okay, time to get up then” Kiyoomi says, patting Atsumu’s arm before lifting it so he can slip out and stand at the edge of the bed. Atsumu groans loudly and buries his face in Kiyoomis pillow.
Days like this are hard. Kiyoomi hates mornings for the way it takes for them to loosen their hold on him. Atsumu loves mornings because he is always excited for what the day holds for him. For them.
Days like this are hard. Kiyoomi has to be the one to wake Atsumu up and pull him out of bed on days like this. Atsumu always puts up a fight, demanding just a few more minutes, just a few more moments, like the brat that he is. Kiyoomi learns to be gentle on mornings like this, it just makes it easier for both of them.
“Come on, you need to get up, Atsumu.” He tells him, trying to keep his voice from being too soft as he runs his hand through Atsumu’s sleep knotted hair.
“How’re ya so awake right now” Kiyoomi is able to make out what he said even though Atsumu grumbled it into the pillow, it took practice, but here they are.
“I’ve been awake for a while” He says. He realizes that his voice sounds full and he hears and feels Atsumu sigh in response. Atsumu knows Kiyoomi has a hard time sleeping the night before days like these.
“‘M sorry” he turns his head so he’s no longer face down in the pillow and he can look up at Kiyoomi.
“It’s not your fault. Now let’s go have tea. Osamu will be pissed if you’re late and he’ll blame me for it.” He reaches down to Atsumu’s hand where it lays under the pillow and coaxes him out of bed. Atsumu goes willingly, but with his head hung low.
“ ‘s not true, that scrub blames me for everythin” Atsumu grumbles and Kiyoomi lets himself breathe a light laugh out into the morning air of the apartment.
Atsumu presses himself to Kiyoomis back and watches over his shoulder as he prepares tea for them. Atsumu is clingier on days like these, with his arms wrapped around Kiyoomi, but he doesn’t mind. In fact, he finds that he prefers it. He prefers to be as close as possible for every moment they have together, even though he can feel it slipping through his fingers like a fistful of sand that won’t stop falling.
They sit at the table together, and drink their tea slowly. Days like these are quieter than their normal mornings. When they’re finished, they put their empty mugs in the sink and Kiyoomi helps him get his last few things together and helps him down to the stable behind the saloon.
“How long will you be gone?” Kiyoomi finally asks. He always tries not to ask till the day of departure. It makes it easier if he doesn't have time to sit and stew over how long it will be before he sees Atsumu again.
“Not long this time, should only be about 4 days. 5 at the latest. ‘Samu and I have business in a town a few hours away.” Atsumu says as he mounts his horse and Kiyoomi nods. He’s usually vague about what it is he’s doing when he’s gone, but Kiyoomi doesn’t press for details. He’s not sure if he wants to know. Kiyoomi unties the rope from the stall and holds it in his hand, rooting them there for another moment. “Try not to miss me too much, Omi” Atsumu teases after Kiyoomi is quiet for a moment.
“Don't be stupid and don’t die out there, cowboy” He looks up at Atsumu, a small smile on his face. please come back home to me , is what he doesn’t say but Atsumu hears it all the same. He knows he does when he can see a light layer of tears over Atsumus' eyes. Kiyoomi reaches up and fists a hand in the front of Atsumus shirt and pulls him down into a kiss that Atsumu goes into all too willingly. He pulls back a bit, “Write to me?”
“I always do, don’t I? I’ll be back before ya know it” Atsumu murmurs against his lips and Kiyoomi nods.
“I’ll be here” Kiyoomi tells him and it sounds a lot like a promise. Atsumu straightens back up and Kiyoomi releases the rope keeping them in this moment. Kiyoomi watches him take off quickly down the middle of the street. No regard for the early morning hour and the fact that people are still sleeping in their homes. Atsumu leaves quickly because taking the time to leave slowly hurts more. Before Atsumu turns the corner at the very end of the street, Kiyoomi watches him stop and lift his hat at Kiyoomi like he always does. Kiyoomi waves back from where he leans against the wall before Atsumu turns and is out of Kiyoomis sight.
Time moves differently when Atsumu is away. It’s not like Kiyoomi is unable to function without him or anything. He still wakes up, does his morning routine, opens the saloon, works, closes the saloon, makes dinner, does his evening routine, and goes to sleep at the end of the day. But Kiyoomi knows that these mundane daily tasks would be better with a certain someone around to pester him and kiss him softly under the covers when he wakes and before he falls asleep. He knows the saloon would feel less empty if Atsumu was sitting at the stool at the bar that he has claimed as his own. It must work though, no one ever tries to sit there, even in Atsumu’s absence.
Time feels different without Atsumus stubborn demands for him to come over by him when its slow at the saloon and Kiyoomi runs out of things to do. He misses the quick stolen kisses over the bar because Kiyoomi is weak, weak, weak and will let Atsumu quickly kiss him in the saloon even when it is open. Atsumu is very pleasantly surprised the first time Kiyoomi leans over the bar to kiss him because he simply didn’t want to wait till they closed the saloon that night.
The days move slower and Kiyoomi feels each minute of every day drag by. The days are long and the nights are longer. He marks off the days in his calendar and knows that Atsumu will be home in 5 days, and that he will get a letter from him before then as well. He always does.
In 4 days.
In 3 days.
In 2 days.
In 1 day.
Each day comes and goes and there is no letter in his mailbox. Atsumu usually returns from his trips in the late afternoon and Kiyoomi typically sits in the rocking chair outside the horse stall, waiting for him. On the 5th day, Kiyoomi goes down to sit in the chair and wait for him. He feels the afternoon heat fade and a cool breeze blow through the town, but it doesn’t feel as relieving as it normally does. He watches afternoon fade into evening fade into night as the sun sets and the moon rises. Kiyoomi looks at the stars and says a prayer in his mind he doesn’t even dare to speak out loud. He only goes back inside when he hears the wolves howling nearby.
The days pass by slower than before. Every day Kiyoomi goes out and sits in the rocking chair and watches the sun go down and the moon come up, like every day before. The world continues to move around him, but he feels frozen in an endless time loop of mundanity and waiting. He keeps checking his mailbox and checking off days on the calendar and suddenly it has been over 2 weeks since Atsumu left. 17 days since Atsumu kissed him at the stable, promising to write to him. Promising to return in 5 days. Kiyoomi promised he would be there. So he waits. Every evening he sits in the rocking chair, looks up to the stars, and prays. Perhaps ‘begs’ is a more accurate description.
On the 18th day it rains. It hasn’t rained here in months and Kiyoomi can’t help but feel like it’s an omen. Like there is something he should be picking up on, but still, he waits. He sits in the chair in the rain, waits for the sun to set and the moon to rise. Only then does he make his way back inside. He showers and tries to wash this feeling of dread down the drain. It doesn’t work. He crawls into bed late and forces himself to fall asleep.
He wakes to the sound of the rain pounding down on his roof. The spot on the floor that is usually lit by moonlight from the window has been drowned out by the rain clouds. He hears the pounding again and realizes it’s not on the roof, but at the door that leads outside the apartment. Probably another customer asking if Kiyoomi can fix him a drink ‘just this once’ even though the saloons closed. Kiyoomi shuts his eyes and tries to shut out the world too, but the knocking persists.
“Saloons closed!” Kiyoomi yells towards the door. He doesn’t care if he pisses someone off and loses a customer. He wants to wallow and will the world away for now. Sit in his hurt for now, because he has to be together and coherent in the morning.
The knocking persists and Kiyoomi groans, wrenching the blankets off his body and walking out of the bedroom. “I said the saloon’s closed!” He says loudly as he yanks the door open and is stunned to silence.
Atsumu stands on his front step, drenched from the rain. He looks up at Kiyoomi and offers him a hesitant smile
“Hey Omi” he says, still smiling hesitantly.
In an instant, his annoyance changes to anger. His jaw clenches. He barely registers the sight in front of him before he slams the door shut, right in Atsumu’s face. Kiyoomi paces back in front of the door, his hands pulling at his own hair.
“Omi, please open the door. I need to talk to you” He can hear Atsumu say through the door and he sounds like it physically pains him that there is a wall between him. That Kiyoomi shut him out. It's quiet for a few moments.
“Kiyoomi, please. I’m sorry” he says, sounding desperate and like he’s running out of energy. Kiyoomi can hear it in his voice that he’s about to cry. Sure enough when he opens the door, Atsumus eyes are shining with tears.
“Where the hell have you been?” Kiyoomis voice is low and dangerous as he holds onto the door. It shakes with an emotion that he can’t quite name. It doesn’t have a name, but it’s all consuming. Atsumus eyes dart over Kiyoomis face, trying to work out the emotion that is radiating out of him. Neither of them can name it. He hears Atsumu swallow. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it, feeling trapped under the intensity of Kiyoomis glare.
Kiyoomi huffs and breaks eye contact and turns to walk back into the apartment, he leaves the door open and Atsumu stands in the doorframe. Unsure if he is welcome here anymore. Kiyoomi paces back and forth in front of the couch, biting his nail and his mind is going a million miles an hour. Atsumu steps inside hesitantly, pulling his boots off and lining them up neatly beside Kiyoomis work shoes so he doesn’t bring mud into the house. He stops near the edge of the living room and watches Kiyoomi. Meanwhile, Kiyoomi is oblivious to what is happening outside of his mind. He has tunnel vision on the floor as he walks back and forth.
“Yer gonna wear through the carpet with all yer pacing” Atsumu tries to lighten the moment, he laughs, sounding unsure.
For one instant, Kiyoomi sees red . He stops pacing and his eyes snap to Atsumu who stands at the edge of the room. It's the first time he's ever seen Atsumu look uncomfortable in his apartment.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing” He asks as he stares Atsumu down. This mixture of anger, worry, desperation, and most of all, relief, has quickly taken over his entire being. “Where have you been? You told me 4 days. 5 days at the most! Do you know how long it's been?” his eyes flick between Atsumus’ wide open eyes. “That was 18 days ago. I know because I counted every single fucking day.”
Kiyoomi walks around him to the kitchen to grab his calendar full of dates that have been ticked off, and holds it up to Atsumu. On the calendar, the 4th and 5th day after his initial departure are circled and he sees his name written in Kiyoomis fancy handwriting at the center in red ink. Atsumu sees the little heart drawn at the bottom corner of those dates on the calendar and feels his own heart squeeze in his chest. Kiyoomi drops the calendar onto the table.
“I waited for you every day, Miya.” Kiyoomi says, his anger melting away. He feels bare and vulnerable as his voice wobbles “I sat in that stupid rocking chair at the stable every day. I waited for you and you didn’t come. You didn’t write to me. You told me you would write to me” Kiyoomi tries to convey the rollercoaster of emotions he’s been on for the last couple weeks.
“I… I’m sorry I didn’t write. Samu and I got caught up in business we weren’t meant to be caught in…” He starts to explain. “A bunch of our stuff got taken and we went after it and got caught in more problems” he says, “I’m sorry I didn’t write. My stationary got stolen and I thought it would be okay if I didn’t write this time since you have the other letters I sent. I thought you knew that I would come back” Atsumu says, looking slightly confused as to why Kiyoomi is upset over the lack of letters. Especially when Kiyoomi has a box full of them that Atsumu knows he reads when he’s away. Kiyoomi shakes his head at him and Atsumu feels his heart sink. When Kiyoomi opens his eyes and looks at Atsumu with a tear running down his cheek, he feels his heart crack.
“I’m sorry Omi, really, I am.” His voice is full of anguish, hoping Kiyoomi will understand. “I’ll write next time or I can write them now to make it up to you or-”
“You don’t get it do you? God you’re a dumbass! It's not that I needed you to reassure me about how you feel while you’re gone.” Kiyoomi starts. “Those letters told me you were alive and that you were okay. That I would see you again eventually. Do you understand that? Atsumu, I thought you were dead ” Kiyoomi finishes, looking at Atsumu as the pieces click together for him. Kiyoomi places his hands gently on the sides of Atsumus face. “I sat on that stupid chair every night and prayed to the stars that you were out there somewhere alive. I just wanted to know you were safe.”
Kiyoomi watches Atsumus eyes fill with tears before they burst out of him. Atsumu has always been a crier. He cries under the influence of almost any strong emotion. This feels particularly intense. Atsumu wraps his arm around Kiyoomi and pulls him into his chest and Kiyoomi lets himself be pulled. He lets himself be pulled into Atsumu even though he’s still drenched from the rain and smells like sweat and the desert. Kiyoomi cries into Atsumu’s chest and holds onto him like it's his lifeline. Like if he lets go, Atsumu will float away and Kiyoomi will spend an eternity in purgatory, waiting. Unsure if he will return or not. If he thinks about it, it feels less like purgatory and more like hell.
So he holds on. He holds onto Atsumu, and Atsumu holds onto him.
“Omi- I- Oh god I’m so sorry” he chokes out through his tears “I didn’t know ya worried about me like that” he says into Kiyoomis shoulder and squeezes him tighter. Kiyoomis tears have slowed down, just a few tears every couple moments, no longer overtaken by his sobs. He snorts a small laugh into the crook of Atsumus neck
“Of course I worry about you. You call me the other half of your soul and you think I don’t feel the same? You don’t think I hope for your safety as you hope for mine?” Kiyoomi says softly, hushed and muffled against Atsumus skin, and he is hit by another wave of tears.
“I guess I never thought about it like that” he says softly after a few moments. Kiyoomi pulls back just enough to look at Atsumus’ tear stained face and puffy eyes. Kiyoomi laughs softly. Closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against Atsumus.
“Don’t do that again unless you’re actually dead” Kiyoomi says, finally feeling the weight of the last few weeks lift off his shoulders. Atsumu laughs.
“I promise I won’t. ‘nd there's no way ‘m dying anytime soon. Ya can’t get rid of me that easy” Atsumu says and his nose brushes against Kiyoomis.
“I’m glad you’re home” Kiyoomi says.
“I am too” Atsumu says, tilting his head and bringing their lips together. It feels like relief, devotion, and warmth.
When Kiyoomi thinks about it later after they have washed up and slipped under the covers together, he unpacks his feelings. Laying tucked under the covers with Atsumu like this, Kiyoomi finds new words for this feeling. The feeling that was all encompassing and demanded to be felt. It wasn’t just a cocktail of worry and relief and frustration. There was one feeling that he didn’t have the name for till now.
Love.
As he lays with his head on Atsumu’s chest while Atsumu snores loudly over his head, their legs tangled under the blankets. Kiyoomis fingers trailing up and down Atsumus spine, he realizes that this is it for him. Kiyoomi will never love anyone else again, not the way he loves Atsumu. He’s in love and it is entirely overwhelming, but he feels peace in this overwhelming feeling. He tilts his head up, presses a light kiss against Atsumus heart and feels it beating.
What was once Kiyoomis apartment above the place he worked is now transformed. This place is their home, the place where Atsumu knows Kiyoomi will wait for him. The place where they can fall back into each other, even after being apart for god knows how long. This place is theirs.
‘Home’, ‘Love’, and ‘Atsumu’ begin to all sound the same to Kiyoomi as he falls asleep peacefully for the first time in weeks.