Chapter Text
September 15th, 2022
It's just a dream.
It's just a dream, I tell myself, but the memories are so so painfully real.
How long has it been since I've escaped from that damned place? And yet the dreams persist.
Sometimes they happen one after another, countless nights of cold sweats bleeding into each other til I can't tell what's a dream and what's reality.
Other times, it waits. Months go by, I get lulled into a false sense of security. I'm able to relax in Jack's arms finally, freed from the toxic grip of my brother.
But then it happens, I wake up screaming, kicking, and clawing at Jack. He tries to calm me down, but his voice is always foreign to my still asleep mind. Yet he refuses to leave, he stands by me even when I hurt him.
I'm so sorry, Jack...
I'm supposed to be the one helping you. You're supposed to be the one that tells me your traumas and I'm supposed to help you cope.
Yet instead, as you sit at the edge of the bed, listening to me sob and spout out endless apologies, you are the one listening to me.
You are so patient with me, I don't understand. I don't deserve it, truely. There are better people here for you.
God, listen to me. I'm a psychologist for crying out loud! I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to help people.
I'm supposed to help people...
That's what my brother always told me, they helped people. That the actions of the Chaos Insurgency were messy, but at the end of the day, they just want to help people.
Somedays I wonder if I made the right decision, leaving them. I know it's just a trauma response, that's all this is, but I can't help it. It doesn't matter how much I try to find healthy ways to cope with what they've done to me, the memories still flood in.
I suppose that makes me human. That's always what I end up telling myself. That's what seperates me from the heartless killers and the twisted scips.
I'm only human...