Archive of Our Own

It was the first time in a long time. The sensation of winding dizziness strapped into the ODM gear made itself known. Akin to the embarrassing feeling of incompetence. The world felt harder to grasp. In a feelingless motion, flight had no rhyme or reason once set upon the rhythmic motion of maintaining the swinging pattern that it took to keep one properly balanced. That consistent and effortless movement that turned men into birds as they traversed the limitless flights of ODM gear.

It really isn't as poetic as it seems. Something that is routine and nothing short of average for the scout regiment. Which is why there's a fine line to be drawn when normal falls out of alignment. When clear vision coincides with a clear mind. 

Erwin notices this. The trees had grown increasingly blurry since dismounting from his stallion. The tightness of the straps felt ever so uncomfortable this time. As if they continued to constrict his focus. It couldn't be true, but it was precisely that. He was sharp as an eagle. It was next to near impossible to get anything past the commander of the scouts. Which was why the subtle pang of worry gnawing at his brain caused the slightest unease.

Losing focus was not an option. It wasn't even something he was capable of. He was certain of it. Erwin found himself drawn from the heat of the action as his regiment had already taken care of the titan threat. His legs perched from a tall tree, he watched. Lungs working harder than usual to keep up with the strangely tight breathing in his chest. No one would ever know. Seeing past that stoic expression was unthinkable. It was his identity and ability to keep order and command. It was something even Erwin didn't notice anymore.

His chest felt heavy, that phantom pain latched to his shoulder like a lead weight. When had his eyes left the world in front of him? Betraying him as pain seemingly throttled his body. It was all so vivid again. In the heat of the battle he hadn't felt a thing.

But afterwards, his eyes could never forget the torn muscle and flayed flesh, hanging in threads as blood flooded out the stump of his arm. The mound of severed appendage throbbing with electric volts that sent pressure through his head and ears. He could see bone. Violently vivid, the sensation of bone scraping bone as the titan drove its massive teeth through his tissue. Popping into skin and muscle like a mushy grape. There was nothing but blinding white static. Then red. Trailing down every inch of shredded meat of what remained of his upper arm. Skin flailed in the manner of a torn flag sticking to the remains of a shirt that had been torn off with his own arm. 

Erwin swallowed back, desperate to clear the drowning image of blood that flooded his mind. His hand cradled his face as if to shield his own murky thoughts. Why couldn't he stop swallowing? As if the physical act was the only thing keeping the daymares at bay. 

"Commander."

His head turned to face the scout. Completely composed, this episode merely a facade in his memory. Those sharp poignant blue eyes had not once lost focus on the sight in front of him. The phantom pain retreats to a dull hum, waiting like a bear trap ready to spring. 

He speaks, words flow effortlessly in that commanding voice. Despite the hollowing tetch of discomfort lingering in his throat. Sitting in the pit of his stomach writhes a forbidden elegy, a creature tightly wound around his organs. 

Boots plant into the ground as he dismounts his white steed upon return to base camp. The last hour and a half were an absolute blur. His mind plays foggy bits of a repetitive record. Something he has done hundreds of times over. Yet this time his brain can't be bothered to collect every minute detail. But the flaring numbness in his fingertips from gripping the handles is ever so present. Sweat has soaked every inch of his under clothing. Chafing against the straps across his body. It's hot, unbearably hot.

Erwin watches his scouts. His jaw sags as his breathing feels more constricted. He knew something was wrong, but to this extent he had not realized. It felt wrong to stand back watching from the treeline. Not giving orders or immediately planning the next move. But something is tugging on his chest. The feverous heat of the day clings to every inch of his body. Wet and tacky as sweat forms an ill sheen over his brow.

He shucks his head down, guiding his horse a short ways into the trees. The buzzing in his head dulls, he hadn't even realized how loud it had grown since before he retreated into silence.

It's only a minute. He just needs a minute. No one should care where he went, he didn't have to be present right this very moment.

His shoulder twitches with flaring heat. A jolt rushs down his collar and right pectoral. Sending a nauseating sensation down his body. Whatever monster coiled up inside his body, lying in wait, was stirring with tumultuous rage. 

Erwin pressed his hand against the bark of a tree. His legs were trembling with a dull quiver. It was crawling up his throat now. The deep heat of something absolutely monstrous digging its long pincers up the muscles of his throat. Fiery red blood spatters across his vision. He was forced to shut his eyes, it was everywhere in front of him. The sharp bite of iron and rot fills his nose. 

"Erwin!"

The sting of tears threatening to breach made him wince. So loud. God it was so loud. The trees were closing in on him and he jumps for his blade when the roar of a titan throbs in his ears.

"Erwin. What's the matter with you?"

A firm hand grasps his shoulder. Erwin gazes to his left, unable to wrench his face out of the slight wince. His body hunched and all his weight rested on his arm propped against the tree.

"Levi?" Erwin forced the thickness down his throat. His Adam's apple bobbed with heavy swallows. The burning creature in his throat began to subside for now. But his stomach remained uneasy. "I'm alright. I stepped aside to get some solitude." 

Levi barely raises a brow. But skepticism was plastered all over his demeanor.

Erwin hopes he isn't as pale as he feels. Cold sweat forms along the nape of his neck. Every inch of his face feels cold and flush. But with the embarrassment of being found this way, blush was slowly creeping up his cheeks.  

"Hm." Levi shifts his weight. His eyes had quickly scanned the commander. Already forming judgements in his head. "Don't take too long. We need you out there." There was an oddly complacent tone in that rough voice of his. He had already left Erwin behind as the crunching of his boots retreated. 

Relief probably wasn't the right word. But Erwin knew Levi would never press for an answer at a time like this. However, the part of him that would rise up and question where Levi had the authority to tell him what to do, was gone. Even if in a smug way where they both knew their way around. A grimace etched itself on his face. Disappointment and surreal expectation that he was betrayed by himself rose deep within his chest.

Erwin returned. Every inch of his composure as commander remained intact. Thus far he would never let a lapse in judgement occur on his end. Even despite the futile attempts his brain made to deter from his clear goals.

… 

Night approaches. The creeping heat of shame crawls up his spine. While he could focus in the lantern light, the shadows clung heavy to his back. The weight was unbearable, forbidding a cautious glance to stare at his own dancing silhouette taunting him from behind. Teeth press tight, his upper lip twitches. Cool dampness threads his brow.

It was there. Lingering deep within his very foundation. Waiting. Slowly gnawing at the back of every thought, every breath. His own personal demon, waiting to bite him again. Edging towards the very chance it will tear his other limb off.

Erwin sucks in a sharp breath, drawing his free hand to his temples. Pinching tightly. Sharp white pain blossoms along the edge of his right shoulder, twinges of throbbing aches pierce the lining of his skull.

His other arm, still intact. 

If he could feel every muscle and vein that made up the curvature of his left arm, he would greedily touch it. Admire what he had taken so lightly. The most he could do was twist the pen in his hand and note every movement.

Erwin sighed, bringing his arm back down. Pen to paper. Ink to words. Ignoring the stump, refusing to put down meaningful words on paper.

A knock shatters the silence. Making him deathly aware of how the heaviness of his breath had consumed the air. 

"Come in." He responded. Disregarding the scrape in his voice, urging himself not to clear his throat so as not to seem less than composed.

He recognizes the quiet feet. Invisible with the shutter of the door. Finding firm footing a safe distance from uncomfortable confrontation. The floor creaks ever so slightly with the shifting of weight. Erwin can feel those piercing eyes before he can even gaze at them. Harsh and comforting in a way that grounds him.

Erwin raised his head. Meeting Levi's eyes. His eyebrows twitch unnoticeably with anticipation. Levi was never one to find him without a reason. He can see that calculating glare. The words have long been processed in Levi's head, but haven't found tangible meaning on his tongue yet.

"You weren't yourself today." Levi spoke.

Erwin feels his shoulders slump. The slightest sting shoots behind his eyes. He can see the uncertainty on Levi's face, with the way his jaw flexes ever so slightly. Biting back his words. 

"How so?" Erwin asked. Putting his focus back down to the paperwork on his desk. Fingers aimlessly find their way, scrawling words on the pages again. He knows he is playing dumb. But he can't help but fight the desire to avoid summoning the subject. Either Levi will let it go or press into him. 

Another piercing jolt spikes between his ears. 

Just let it go. Please.  

"You look sick."

Dammit. 

It doesn't answer his question. But he's rather certain Levi doesn't need to. Footsteps ever so delicate. It's almost sickening how he can pick them up through the ringing in his head. Levi is closing the space between them. 

"Levi…" Erwin finds himself saying out of nowhere. Almost in protest. He is disgusted by the weak note that flitters from his voice. His breath is drawn, no longer carrying his strong tone. Frustratingly so, he can't be seen gasping for air.

Levi hisses under his breath. It's momentary and Erwin doesn't realize he is sucking air between his teeth as the coolness of fingertips press against his forehead. He almost lets himself embrace it. But he quickly reminds himself that now is not the time.

"Erwin, you have a fever." Levi grunts. His hands retreat and cross against his chest.

Oh.

Disparaging. Erwin finds it hard to believe that's even true. Even so, what good did it do to tell him? 

"Should clear up by morning." Erwin answers in a dismissive tone. His head throbs again as if to say, yeah right. He refuses a glance at Levi. God forbid he catches even the slightest hint of anger behind those eyes. Or worse, concern.

Erwin places the pen down. Levi has gone silent. He gazes up, Levi avoids eye contact. For some reason he didn't expect this response.

"Are you worried?" Erwin asks. There's a softness in his blue eyes and his voice settles into an effortless tone. But his posture still commands formality. Not even something as minor as a fever could tear down his prowess.

Levi barely raises a brow before knitting them. "Maybe." He suggests. Levi doesn't need words to convey the distance in his expression. 

This time it's Erwin's turn to stand up. He doesn't anticipate the way the desk tilts in his vision and he's forced to press two fingers against the hardwood to steady himself. 

"This is nothing but a minor malady." Erwin coaxes. "I've certainly recovered from worse." He can't help but chuckle. The stump of a right arm is a sad display of that.

"This compares?" Levi refutes with a bite in his tone.

Dark eyes dart to the floor. Erwin feels a sting of guilt. Maybe it was unfair to assume Levi was okay with this. They had certainly seen their fair share of innocent soldiers slain at the throes of titans. While that was their greatest threat, Erwin hadn't had the decency to consider what Levi was put through underground. Of course something minor on the surface was a bigger deal below. 

That stoic mask was put at ease. Erwin's expression softened. Behind closed doors under the flickering lantern light, they shared something more tender. Erwin gently stepped away from his desk, approaching Levi. Breathing felt heavy settling in his lungs. But his pain was hardly apparent, even to himself.

Gingerly, fingers laced Levi's jawline. Cocking the raven haired head up to gaze deep into those onyx orbs. Movement shifts under his strong finger tips. He can feel it. The hesitancy in Levi to pull away. To bite his tongue and leave. Refuse his commander's passion.

Levi's eyes linger a moment too long. The rose pink ever so lightly blotting Erwin's cheeks, wills his legs to remain in place. A thick tug draws at his heart for staying. 

"I'd feel better if you stayed." Erwin's words lace his tongue like butter. Those cursed words that make Levi cringe at the tasteless sentiment. As if the defiant commander wasn't annoying enough for avoiding his moment of weakness. It's not as if he was oblivious, neither one wanted to address the previous subject. Levi wanted to pretend Erwin wasn't lying. Moments ago Erwin claimed he was fine. Fine without Levi. That this was merely a damper on his day.

It was infuriating and annoying.

"Fine. Good luck getting rid of me anyway." Levi tugs his head away. He keeps his head down. Fighting the slightest smirk that threatens to curl his lip.

Erwin chuckles softly to himself. He dares to pinch threads of Levi's hair between his fingertips. But the captain turns away, padding towards the door. It isn't an empty gesture as he turns to glare at Erwin before exiting the office. The door clicks shut behind him. 

Erwin returns to his desk. Looming over the small office space that begs for him to get absorbed in scout dealings. To resume the mindless willing of repetitive reading and writing. But he has something else now. A distraction. Enough to find his way back to a less grim reality. Unfortunately reality could hardly be pleasant.

"I think that's enough paperwork for now." Erwin sighs, already moving to tug his shirt off. Feeling constrained by the fabric with the way heat is radiating off his body. He extinguishes the lamp, exiting the room with the ghost of his shadow banished to the dark of the room. 

… 

The titan's roar plays an evocative tune. Shuddering fear into the unclaimed souls of scouts unlucky enough to encounter one. It's not so loud this time. More of a ghastly howl. He can't place it. But the sound is so close yet distant. It plays like a warbled mechanism between his ears. 

The air is fresh with the scent of tall pines. A dizzying taste of sunlight scatters the fields and raises the petals of wildflowers. One flower in particular lingers on his mind. A small white daisy. Too perfect to be anything real. Protected somehow. To pluck it would be a crime. Yet the glow of each pearly petal paints an unsettling splash of white in his peripherals.

Erwin gazes around him. The tree line is the same as yesterday. His legs feel weary as he stands in the same outcrop as he did previous. It's utterly quiet. In the way his head feels static. Birds are gone, insects are silent. Buzzing in an enigmatic voice is a titan clearly not far away. But it feels pointless to move. Time has become endless in this space. Erwin wants to suck on the warm oxygen and let it seep into his veins. To feel a fluttering peace, that evades him. The pressing urge to sanctify that peace is never enough to earn it.

It can't be guilt that pervades his senses. But something akin to that. Erwin bites his tongue. Regret is a bitter after thought. One that left him long ago. 

His arms weigh with the unbearable weight of the ODM swords in his hands. His shoulders twinge with unrectified heat. A flood of sharp shocks circuit down his arms and the handles are released with a palpable thump onto the green grass.

The air somehow feels thicker now. But Erwin doesn't feel a disturbance of self. Looming dread bites at his neck but he adorns it with certainty. A feeling he has never felt foreign to. But welcomes with festering desire. 

His eyes meet the white daisy. It's pattern sears into his vision now. Blotting out flashing splotches of warbling colors. Deep sun stains that burn in a jarring manner. If only blinding him for a moment, it's enough to throw off his senses. The buzzing consumes the entirety of his mind, loud and thoughtless. Panging like an endless disease. Erwin grits his teeth, feeling no urge to cry out. To fight and withstand the demons in his head. 

They grow loud and restless. A glowing heat boils in the pit of his stomach. A familiar demon threatens to chokehold him. Erwin holds steadfast. He cannot fight but slowly grows aware of his rapid breathing. Sharpness grips his esophagus, making it hard to swallow. He wants to speak. To feel the familiar vibration from his voice.

In an attempt, a watered cough ripples up his voice. Erwin's knees crumple. His thoughts are consumed by a screech, grinding in his head. A titan is here. Ready to tear his limbs apart and grind his bones. The familiar cracking of bone splitting radiates over his whole body. Bitten between the mandibles of a titan, the sensation jolts his nerves. 

Erwin keels to the ground, trying to scream. Begging for his lungs to relieve the sound of gushing blood in his ears. He opens his eyes.

Blood smatters the white daisy, petals wilt. The sun bids it's warmth as crimson soaks the air. The wet mist of fresh blood lays tacky on his senses.

The monster is halfway up his esophagus now, constantly moving, shifting to fit its spiny pincers. Erwin fights to swallow it down. The acidic heat scalds his insides. Everything is red, his vision is blurry with the haze of scarlet. Mutilated corpses threaten to invade his vision. 

The titan is not near him. It's inside him, consuming every single thought and sound. Every sense is overwhelmed by the gnashing of teeth cutting into marrow. 

Erwin trembles, gazing to his right as a warmth seeps down his side. He grimaces, the shredded stump gazes back.

He can no longer persevere, the demon held back deep within him bursts forth like a dam. He vomits onto the grass. Thick meaty chunks clog his throat, it won't clear the pincers goring him from inside. Erwin wants to shriek. Pieces of identifiable bone and muscle pool in front of him. His one hand is sinking into the muck. Fingernails bubble to the top.

And in the beet red organ goulash, he catches a glimpse of himself as the eclipsed sun forces its darkness on the living world. 

… 

Sweat pools all around him. The flecking heat leaves his skin begging for the continued touch of another. It isn't the illusion of terror his own brain has him trapped in, that finally wakes him. But the urgent hands of the Captain's grip on Erwin's shoulder.

Blackness snaps to his vision, clear and silent. Even once his eyes open, it takes a moment to adjust to the dim fluorescence of moonlight filtering in from the window. A groan ebbs from his voice as he turns to the side, reaching over to clench the aching stump. Pounding loud against his bones.

"Erwin-" Levi speaks. His voice is calm. Surprisingly so, as he sits distanced from the commander. His hand remains delicately placed on the blonde's shoulder.

"Nightmare..." Erwin huffs. His voice drawls, ending in a wheeze. A clammy hand grips his sweat drenched forehead.

"I know." Levi's tone is gentle. Gingerly, he presses a hand through Erwin's tacky hair. He doesn't want to embarrass his commander, as the sheets are entirely soaked in a concerning amount of sweat. 

Erwin struggled to sit up, growing aware of the pangs of discomfort coursing his whole body. A fine layer of sweat cakes his skin, leaving him freezing and on fire. He can hardly sit straight, as he hangs his head listlessly. The slightest groan emanates from his throat. 

Levi watches. He wouldn't admit it out loud, but in the pitch black of the room, he felt fear coil in his insides. Enough to overwhelm his disgust of waking up to a pool of perspiration that didn't belong to him. Nightmares were certainly familiar to him. But he couldn't shake the unease that grappled him when his commander fought with his demons. Everytime was just as unsettling as the next. 

But this was different.

Erwin lacked all composure. It brought a painful flashback to glaring at Erwin's weak body consigned to a bed for days on end. After he had lost his arm. Levi fought with himself for that time, grateful that Erwin was alive. But the internal conflict of seeing his pain was killing him. Erwin hid it well, but every subtle gesture that slipped through was enough to clue in Levi.

Now, he hid nothing. Erwin couldn't bear to gaze in Levi's direction. His chest rose with harsh rasps. His whole body was gently trembling. The moonlight reflected the moisture clinging to Erwin's bare body. Wavering with the uneasy movements of Erwin's throat each time it bobbed with a heavy swallow.

Levi had no idea what possessed him. What childish fear had overtaken him. He reached out, craving a touch. Just to tell him Erwin was really still in front of him. His heart was throbbing in his ears. Whatever sarcastic remark wanted to edge his tone, retreated. Levi placed his palm against Erwin's bare chest, lacing his fingers along his strong collarbone.

Erwin's flesh felt cold like wet marble after a long night's rain. The heat of Levi's palm was sickening in contrast. When his palm made contact, Erwin flinched. His breath sharpened and as quickly as he tensed, he eased again. Letting his shoulders slump. 

"Hey," Levi was surprised by the coolness of his voice, but Erwin's silence was unnerving, He wasn't going to state the obvious, as much as he wanted to. He knew Erwin would hate it. That the fever was consuming him, breaking him down piece by piece. Erwin would certainly not be okay by morning. And it was better to remain ignorant than let that eat at Erwin. "You need water?"

Erwin brushed sweat off his nose, trying to collect himself. "Yeah." His tongue clicked dryly, voicing in a whisper. His head barely nodded.

Levi gazed down, Erwin's hand now touching his. Levi couldn't see the slight grimace on Erwin's face, but he could feel it. Erwin's strong grip was waning, letting his fingers only barely brush Levi's skin. 

Erwin didn't beg Levi to stay. Instead he heard quiet feet touch the floor and cross the bedroom before exiting with a quiet click. Erwin kept his blue eyes glued to the door. Trying not to focus on how unsteady his breathing was. It infuriated him. He rubbed his eyes with a heavy sigh. Collapsing onto his pillow sounded ideal, but he knew sleep would escape him. Now that he was awake in a feverous delirium, there was no way he would even be able to will himself to try to sleep.

When Levi returned, piled in his hands were new sheets and a cup of water. Erwin couldn't help but groan a low disapproval. Levi handed Erwin the glass of water and set the sheets aside.

Erwin greedily drank the water, feeling the soothing cool down his throat. Expecting some sort of relief, but instead he was left with a nauseating swell in the pit of his stomach. Still lingering from his earlier episode. Erwin passed the cup to Levi.

"Get up for a sec. I'm going to change the sheets." Levi told Erwin.

"Levi… " Erwin protested weakly.

But Levi was already reaching for Erwin's arm to help him up. "It's really not necessary." Erwin mumbled, feeling disoriented upon dismounting from the bed. He crossed over to one of the chairs across from them and sat down with a heavy thump.

"You'll be more comfortable not bathing in your own sweat." Levi quipped. Levi began taking the sheets off and replacing them with new ones."I'm not too fond of sleeping in your sweat either. I have half a mind to put a towel under you."

A low chuckle graced Erwin's throat. "Harsh." He peered at Levi through the slats of his fingers, keeping his hand gently pressed against his forehead, covering his aching eyes.

Levi was quick about changing the sheets. Erwin stood back up and approached the bed, gazing down at Levi with a raised brow. Erwin crawled back in first and Levi followed. Erwin sat propped up against the headboard and offered his hand out for Levi to sit beside him. Levi gave him an inquisitive glare, but his expression softened and he was pulling himself close to his commander's chest. 

"You'd make a great housekeep." Erwin chuckled softly. His hand pressed through Levi's raven hair, softly combing back and forth.

"Well someone has to clean up after you." Levi retorted back with a sharp scoff. 

"Are you implying that I'm a messy person?" Erwin's voice reflected the tactful glare that was hidden by the dark.

Levi tilted his head back. The slightest grin showed off a sliver of teeth. "Maybe." He reached a cool hand up and brushed Erwin's chiseled jawline. Greedily drinking up the curvature, reflecting sharply in the moonlight. The added moisture sticking to the commander's skin only worked to further pronunciate his features. "You did get sick after all." Levi teased.

Erwin scoffed. His dewey blue eyes met with Levi's, melting from solid ice to cool pools of water. "I'm not sick." He leaned down, meeting Levi's soft lips to his own. The warm hints of clove and allspice hit Erwin's tongue. The slightest moan ebbed from his throat.

Levi twisted, pulling away so he could readjust himself. Hoisting himself up to reach Erwin's height and grasp either side of Erwin's face with both hands. He pressed in for another kiss. Tender and sweet. They held on like this for a moment. 

Erwin drank up the kiss, wrapping his arm around Levi's waist. His brow scrunched when Levi broke the contact. A cool forehead met his own and he leaned into it. Whining ever so slightly.

"That's certainly an unbecoming noise for a commander." Levi noted in a playful voice.

Erwin hadn't even realized, and he leaned back to look at Levi with a smitten gaze. He scoffed. "You're one to say so."

Levi reached up and brushed loose hair from Erwin's brow. Pressing the back of his hand to Erwin's overly warm forehead. "I even kissed you." Levi remarked distastefully.

Erwin grasped Levi's arm. "I said I'd be alright by morning, and I meant it." Erwin protested.

"Yeah right, with the two hours of sleep you get a night." Levi slumped back down, turning to put his back against Erwin. He crossed his arms and huffed a sigh. 

Erwin leaned his head back, swallowing dryly. He couldn't even remember the last time he was sick. Losing his arm didn't really count in his mind. It seemed like such a long time ago. Not that he thought he was, but it certainly made him wonder. 

Erwin returned to gently brushing his hand through Levi's hair. The two of them sat in blissful silence. Levi wasn't oblivious to the way heat radiated off Erwin's skin. His chest rattled with every deep exhale. And though the commander had gone silent, his thoughts were loud.

Despite his earlier protests, Levi wasn't in the least bit surprised when Erwin fell asleep slumped over Levi's shoulder. The tall man slowly slid down until he wasn't holding himself up anymore. At that point Levi eased him down and to a more comfortable position lying on the bed. He decided it would be best to leave when the morning rays were peeking through the window, and give Erwin time to rest. 

If soft crystal eyes could gaze back at him only for a moment. He would bask in their glow. And the warmth of skin pressed to his carved a familiar path. Etching every memorable indent and embrace deep into the imprints of his soul. In a world where titans were a mere afterthought to the own gaping loneliness that ate away at the flesh of his heart. 

"The fever tells me that my wings have long since burned away and the searing heat of bones jutting from my back are a hollow husk of deliberation. "

As if a sickening child's tale. Biting at the ends of a childhood long since abandoned. Now laden with the thick vile of a heavy truth. An endless beating thumps against the inside of his ribcage. The aching sorrow of desperation long since eating him away reminds him of the hunger yet to be sated. 

It's an empty pang, his eyelids twist in discomfort. His own mind spins in turmoil even in the shallow net of sleep. His heart knows it, it begs for it. A coldness swallowing his entirety. To wake up is to face the false heat. But sleep only suspends this reality.

He wants to cry out for "Levi", a word now so familiar on his tongue it is second nature to his own name. It is heavy on his throat, forbidding the fatefully pointless call it would be. But nonetheless his sleep-throttled voice manages a half coherent plea. 

Waking up is strange, the tail end vowel ghosting on his breath. His brain has tricked him into believing it was a snag of a bad dream. But the tension in his throat tells him otherwise. It's impossible to muster the words again. Instead only a slur of grogginess follows as he cradles his damp forehead.

Levi is not here.

And the unfamiliar weight of sleepiness lingers. As much as he wants to savor the feeling of unexpected extra sleep he got, he was perplexed as to how it was even possible. He couldn't remember even putting his head to the pillow. 

He sucks in a dry breath. Clinging to the brief respite of coolness in his lungs. Every breath feels twice as thick, twinged with a sharp heat. However, it's easy not to think about, as subtle movements have been flaring up the damaged nerve endings in his shoulder all morning. It was a fight to pull a shirt on, one that he had won many many times since he lost his arm. A simple task that now reared its ugly head. Erwin could only curse at his own incompetence as his teeth sank into the fabric, tugging his dress shirt over his right arm. 

It was a miracle he woke up at a time that allowed the unwarranted struggle to simply dress himself. Erwin didn't want to feel angry upon the dawn, but he couldn't help but curse at the fiery rage beating back beneath his ribcage. Enough to make his already warm forehead seethe with anger.

But as everyday before, Erwin stood calm and stoic. His eyes blazing with fierceness that sought command. Every aspect of himself was neatly arrayed. His hair tucked in place, shirt wrinkles pressed to the contour of his body. The hems of his dress shirt laid in line with his pants. The upper edge of his jacket sat perfectly cuffed around his waist. And not a string longer than the other dangling from his proud green bolo tie. 

He has a mental checklist, one that tells him today he has a meeting. As if he doesn't everyday. It frustrates him how annoyance clings to the thought. A meeting is something he has power over most of the time. And while he'd almost rather be on a scouting mission instead, he can't help but take note that irregardless of what he does he will be feeling lousy. The dull thud of a headache stalking the back half of his head makes sure he is reminded of that.

It's monotonous agony. Erwin sits still. He wants to. His lips press into a tight line, his throat tastes metallic. Words are played in the background like a fuzzy phonograph. His brain tries to pull him back on track but it's only a quick hitch of understanding before he fades back. His eyes are calculating. Keeping close watch on the lips moving at the table. Even if he feels lost of all control, he'll be damned if he shows it.

A small bead of sweat trickles down the side of his head. When had he been feeling so hot, and utterly freezing? It only pisses him off further. He would make his own backhanded remark at his deteriorating condition had he not been forced to be professional as of right now. He needed a break. His whole spine had broken out in a cold sweat. The thought of stepping outside to relieve the pressure gnawing at his ears was tantalizing.

When had he become so fucking weak? The mere presence of malady had him so shaken at the moment. Not even losing his arm had him so uncomposed.

His right shoulder stump jolted with sharp static heat. The bastard reminding him out of spite.

It was Erwin's turn to speak. Eyes filled with familiar cracking authority. He could speak effortlessly. As if he hadn't been so deep in his thoughts mere moments ago. Ignoring how he had been drowning in them.

Even the pallor of his face filled with the foreboding blush of false remedy.

Just like that, it's over. Erwin is standing, issuing professional courtesies. For something that lasted an eternity, it was over in a flash. Before he knew it, he was striding back to the safety of his office. Unaware that within seconds of stepping foot inside, he was clutching his shoulder like an idiot. Seething air through his teeth like a feral animal.

Erwin wanted to slump to the floor and cradle the unmerciful mound of flesh. All false color drained from his face and he pressed his head back against the door. Cold sweat lined his brow, making the roots of his hair feel sticky and damp. If he could muster a cry, he would. One of vengeance and hatred. A battle cry to signify he hadn't lost to himself yet. Despite the swirling in his head, dragging him under. Yearning to swallow him whole in the pain. 

His pretentious need to carry himself as normal forced him to shuffle his way to his desk and slump down in his seat. Staring down at the paperwork neatly stacked on the hard mahogany, the words muddled and made no sense. But he forced his eyes to gaze at them. Ignoring the blazing heat running down the entire right side of his shoulder and chest. It felt wet almost,  the thought of blood draining down his arm again made him sick. He swallowed back, trying to push the thoughts down with it. 

Erwin didn't know how long he battled his brain. At some point he must've given in to the capsizing waves of agony crashing over his entire body. He resorted to cradling his head on his desk. Muttering to himself in blind resonance. It wasn't until a knock on the door brought him back.

Well, it wasn't necessarily the knocking, but the unwarranted entrance. Erwin's eyes flashed open. He must've fallen asleep briefly. Wet drool clung to his cheek, which he was swift to discard with his sleeve inconspicuously. He sat up straight, taking short breaths to try and collect himself. Hoping it wasn't obvious that he had just been snapped out of slumber.

It was Levi, of course. Thank God. Although, Hange wouldn't have had the courtesy to knock either. They simply would've come crashing in. Levi also lets himself in on occasion. When formalities between the two began to fade, it was easier for him to enter as he pleased.

What surprised Erwin were the dual teacups that Levi was balancing in his hand. He swiftly approached Erwin's desk, placing them down before pulling a seat up to the opposite side.

"Levi, is this necessary?" Erwin finally asked. A slight grin edged his lips but it was wavering. His firm tone was lighthearted however.

"Considering you've been MIA for the last four hours and I just found you sleeping on your desk. I would say it's necessary." Levi responded. That all serious tone was somewhat comforting to Erwin.

Erwin gazed down, trying not to display his shock, realizing he may have passed out for a lot longer than he thought. "Well you were prepared with tea, so something tells me that isn't the reason why you're here." Erwin raised a brow.

Levi grips his teacup in his iconic way. Pressing the rim to his lips to take in the bitter taste. "No. But you are sick. So I figured tea would help." Levi shrugs. He's acting nonchalant, but Erwin knows he's telling him "I told you so" in his head. 

Erwin chuckled softly. "Really?" He stares at the dark liquid settled in the cup, steam faintly rising from it. That metallic taste is back in his throat and a peculiar feeling rests at the bottom of his gut. "What gave it away?" He had a smug tone. Did he think this was a game? Erwin wanted to curse his own stupidity.

"You're more see-through than you think." Levi glared at Erwin, an inquisitive look in those eyes. Levi knew for a damn fact that wasn't true. If he hadn't spent so much time with the commander, the tell-tale signs would be all the more impossible to recognize. Spending one sleep-throttled night with the blonde mess was a dead give away. But sure, his commander was feeling like playing coy, he could play along too. 

Erwin can't help but chuckle again. This time he seems almost annoyed. He hesitantly plucks the teacup and takes a drink from the bitter tea. It coats his tongue almost aggressively, and Erwin nearly winces at the unwarranted flavors irregularly sitting on his tongue. Swallowing is a chore, and while the warmth soothes his throat, once it hits his stomach Erwin feels dread bite the nape of his neck.

"So you want to tell me what's really making you sick this time?" Levi asks, now it's unnecessary. But dark eyes catch his commander gripping his shoulder again. 

"Sorry?" Erwin brings his gaze back to Levi. It felt like he had slipped out of reality for a minute there. His firm grip on the stump eases, allowing the throbbing to creep back into every nerve. 

"Your shoulder Erwin. You were whining about it last night and I can tell it's been bothering you again." Levi hates that he has to say it for Erwin.

Erwin can almost taste the slightest hint of concern in Levi's tone. And why does he hate it?

Erwin clears his throat. "Oh, that." For once he doesn't feel control over this. It's been slipping away this entire conversation and now he's at an impasse. It's not that he doesn't want to tell Levi. But he doesn't want this "thing" to win. He can't give in for his own sake.

Erwin feels it now, that familiar stabbing heat in his stomach. It's moving, it's alive. It's been rising with his anger all day.

Levi raises a brow, his face is serious. "Erwin? What's going on?" His voice remains grave. But there's a hint of submissiveness. Afraid that he can't steer the conversation towards an answer, he would have to beg his commander for one. Levi can't help it, he is disgusted by it. The unhinged raven haired man, feeling his rebellious nature capsize under the presence of Erwin. Why did the man compell and torture him in such a way? The damn fool hadn't even said anything and Levi felt like he had been muzzled. 

"Levi, I'm alright. Tired, clearly." Erwin shirked it off with a weak laugh. He didn't seem to be fighting it, but words felt heavy on his tongue.

"Yeah, no shit." Levi scoffs. That stupid asshole. His stubbornness pissed Levi off.

"Levi." Erwin protested quietly, pulling his eyes away. They felt like lead weights. It was crawling up his throat now. But Levi was talking. He didn't need to hear his words to recognize the annoyance in his voice. It frustrated Erwin too. Was this all a dream? Erwin couldn't remember taking his pain out on Levi.

"Levi." Erwin grits. He was pinching his brow, digging deep indents into his feverous skin. His voice groggy with anger. Rising deep in his throat, the pincers are stabbing his esophagus.

Erwin wants to yell, he wants to cry out. He stands abruptly. The whole room sways. It's about to burst from within his chest. It's long spiny legs consume the space in his voice, thick and sharp, nearly protruding as they push up his throat. Erwins huffs a sharp exhale. He almost shouts, his hand covers his mouth and his eyes shut. The world begins to wash into a mesh of color. 

A hand found its place on Erwin's left shoulder. Gentle and cool. It's enough to quell the immediate heat soaking over Erwin. He would've spoken had he not been mere moments from vomiting all over his desk. He almost wished he had when the realization set in that Levi hadn't said a thing. The false memory of Levi watching in concerning silence played over and over in his head.

"I feel like shit." Erwin stuttered out, it came out in a broken voice. Edging on a sob.

"I know." Levi spoke calmly. Reaching up to press a hand through the commander's blonde sweat soaked hair. 

"I don't know what's wrong with me Levi, I'm sorry." Erwin muttered quietly, clenching his teeth.

"Sit down." Levi instructed. Erwin obeyed, easing himself to his chair.

"I'm certain you've hardly eaten today. I'm going to get you food and medicine. And you're going to stop behaving like I would." Levi told Erwin coolly. "We'll sort this out when you don't look like you're about to pass out."

Erwin nodded. A glaze coated his eyes, there was a worn out expression painted on him. It was somehow haunting, as if the commander sought it useless to battle his own demons.

Levi went about as he did most evenings he spent with the commander. Either in shared silence or he had to fill in Erwin on every detail of every cadet that pissed him off today. It was nice for Erwin, even if he felt a lack of contribution to the conversation. It was a distraction from the way he felt and he wanted to hear Levi. He wanted the captain to confide in him. 

Levi was cognizant of Erwin slowly fading in that desk chair. It was rather unlike him to allow himself to fade in such a way. It gave Levi a sense of peace that Erwin was no longer hiding his condition, but bearing it like a nasty wound for Levi. Soon the commander was being coaxed to bed.

… 

Cool air hit the back of his neck. It was happening again. Why couldn't he stop it?

Ash hit his nose, sharp and bitter. Gently fluttering down like the first snowfall of winter. He pressed a hand to the sturdy wood of a large tree. His knees wobble. Looking down, a still green ocean stares back at him. He's in the trees this time. All is quiet. Nothing is moving or breathing. He almost enjoys it this time, wanting to bask in the ash-ridden light. Disregarding the burning sensation hitting the back of his throat. 

He can't feel it, but he can hear it. As if instinct, he knows what it is. The very quiet trickle of flames, licking at his back. They aren't hot, but they are present. Burning in a designated pattern. Tempting the edges of his scouts cape. Leaving black traces along the fabric. Erwin doesn't have ODM gear on this time. He never needed it.

His wings are burning. They've been burning for a long time. 

His wings of freedom crumple under the never ending flame. He's never been so free.

… 

The word "sour" comes to mind. It's a tang that bats at the edge of his taste buds. A word that felt childish, but he had even used it against Levi in a flitted argument once. A reminiscence that would make him chuckle if it wasn't so invasively burning up his senses. Sour no longer felt the right word. More like acid, searing and foul.

"Levi."

God there was his name again. Erwin used it like a goddamn clutch. It was sickening the way he clung to such a sentiment. He couldn't remember when he had become so passionately involved with such a bitter after note. He should curse his tongue for using the word so lightly.

But it was the only word he could stutter. Would he die with those letters on his breath? It felt burdensome to put such a weight on him. Levi deserved better. 

He wanted to go back and forth, tell himself it was reasonable. That it was okay for him to cry his lover's name on his tongue. No matter the occasion. To hear Levi mutter "Erwin" in every monotone or egregious way. It played back in his head over and over anytime Levi pinched his face and gritted his commander's name. Pleasured or not. Something he held on to. Making it all the more easy to coax the name on his tongue. Even for a satisfactory second. "Levi." "Levi." "Levi."

Until it grew sour again.

Erwin would've said it aloud again. But he was already sitting up. Hell, he would've fought harder had nausea not sunk its fangs deep into his throat. His esophagus tightened, coiling with the deep heat of a familiar being beckoning Erwin's call once more.

"Erwin? Are you sick?" It was quiet, tired, yet laden with worry.

'Why does he always ask me that?'

' Doesn't he know I've been sick for a long time?'

"Yeah-" Erwin replied abruptly. He understands now. He's holding himself in a vulnerable position. Keeping a hand clasped over his jaw. Deep indents press into his pale grey cheeks. Sweat coats a fine layer over his skin. 

"Shit-" Levi mutters, his movement is swift as he's already beside the bed, urging Erwin off of it. But it doesn't take much as Erwin is quick to remove himself as well. 

Levi doesn't need any sort of cue or command. As if on instinct, he knows to help support the weight of his commander over his shoulder as he takes careful steps down the hall. Levi's grip is incredible. Even for his size, he has no trouble supporting the blonde, hoisting him over his shoulder even if he had to. Without words they both understood each other. 

It was a beautiful thing really, few words had to be shared between the two of them. And they knew exactly what they needed to be for each other.

"Easy-" Levi grunts, helping Erwin to the bathroom. The commander would've thanked him had he not been busy fighting his own battle.

Levi was kind enough to close the door, saving Erwin the disgrace of handling himself in front of anyone in such a disheveled manner. It even threw Erwin for a loop. Dangling over the open toilet bowl, he barely knew how to compose himself. Fighting to keep his knees firm and maintain any semblance of formality. While dutifully swallowing back at the rot crawling up his throat.

It was so light and so heavy, the world spinning as he tangled with the pressure in his chest and gut. It was back this time with a vengeance. He could hear its voice loud and clear. Etching incoherent murmurs in his head. It was past his chest, deep pincers dug sores into his throat. He wanted to see it, face it finally. All day it pressed imprints into the very fabric of his being. Waiting, begging for a chance to show itself.

A chance to prove the commander was no more than an imposter of himself. Imposing this fake presence of power. It would bring him to his begging knees in a fucking second.

Erwin's breath quickened. His face grimaced as drool slid off his lower lip. Hitting the water with a disheartening splash. He hoped Levi wasn't on the other side of the door. Carefully listening to make sure Erwin was okay. He doubted in his mind that as a six foot two man with a reputation for shouting orders that he could possibly vomit quietly.

The world came crashing down on him. It finally showed its ugly face, gnarled appendages no longer making home in Erwin's inner flesh. It was no relief, but hell as nausea unclamped itself deep from his throat. He retched harshly as he choked on the bitter notes of earl grey plastering his tongue. Resurfacing just to spite Levi's efforts. 

Erwin gasped defiantly, soaking up the oxygen he could while his body allowed him to breath. Strangely, he felt awake now, staring down at the waste his body had taunted him with for the last two days. It brought mental clarity. A deceptive one at that. Erwin swallowed back thickly. Blinking to clear away his briefly blurred vision.

"Oi, you still alive in there?" That familiar acidic tone came from the other side of the door.

Erwin nodded to himself. His voice was thick and muddy. "Barely." It sounded a lot more pathetic than he had anticipated. Resulting in a weak defeated chuckle on his behalf. Erwin rested his arm across the seat, with his forehead pressed against it. 

The door creaked open and the captain stared down, his arms folded against his chest. Erwin was caught off guard. He spat into the bowl before closing the lid. "Ah, you didn't need to come in." Erwin admitted. Propping himself up with his hands on his knees. He kept his head down, gently swaying in place. Swallowing down the humiliation. 

"Yeah, I regret it. Smells like puke in here." Levi retorted, maintaining a harmless tone. 

Erwin scoffed. "I appreciate the sentiment. However, I can tell when disgust is written all over your face." He sighed, rubbing his forehead. Drawing short breaths to gather himself. Color had completely drained from his face. He squinted, trying to ease the pressure in his head.

"Here." Levi gently draped a damp rag on the back of Erwin's neck. His cool fingers barely brushed the sensitive skin of Erwin's nape. Erwin exhaled, craving the relief, but too afraid to ask for it. 

"Thanks." Erwin mumbled quietly. His voice tightened. Muscles tensed on his neck and collar. He muttered something of disgrace towards himself under his breath.

Levi placed a hand to Erwin's shoulder. Calm and steady. "It's okay to be sick." 

Erwin tilted his head. Eyes glassy with desperation. His gaze flickered between Levi's soft eyes. Allowing a strange solace to settle between the two. Erwin nodded weakly. But the wrinkles beside his eyes softened and his shoulders slumped to meet in line with his chest. 

Erwin hitched and gagged quietly. Pressing the lid open with a loud clap. Immediately pushing himself forward and leaning his head into the bowl, nose practically touching the water.

Levi gazed away, swallowing uncomfortably as the sound of liquid regurgitate hitting water filled the room. Erwin was too busy spilling his guts for the second time to notice the hesitant but gentle movement between his tense shoulders. Running softly along the tense muscles of Erwin's back with callused palms. 

Levi was present. That's all that mattered to him.

Erwin raised his head up, feeling brittle in his neck and back. He huffed breathlessly. Sucking in sharp exhales, quickly spitting them back when the sting of puke in his nose made him recoil. He cleared his throat and rested his forehead over his forearm.

Levi felt the wet slick of sweat through fabric cling to his warm fingertips. Hissing at the heat rolling off Erwin in waves. Levi fought pulling his hand away, utterly disgusted by this. But despite it, he knew better than to abandon Erwin in his reluctant time of need. 

Erwin remained still for a long time. Drool slung off his lower lip like a dog, clinging to his chin. 

"Are you still nauseous? You shouldn't sleep here." Levi asked, taking note of the way Erwin began to appear almost lifeless. Too comfortably positioned to remove himself from this sorry state. 

"Ah-" Erwin hesitated. His shoulders tensed when he managed to speak. "Yeah… Could you give me a moment please." He quietly replied, his shoulders sank down again. Cold sweat trickled down his spine. 

Levi nodded and swiftly exited the bathroom. As soon as Levi was gone, Erwin exhaled, tightly clenching his teeth. Pain sprouted along the entirety of his right shoulder, neck, and collar. Erwin pushed a hand through his blonde sweat soaked hair. Disheveled, it clung to his forehead and loose strands hung over his brows. Staring down at the water, he caught a glimpse of his sickly reflection. It was humbling. He wanted to bite his tongue and gaze away. But he forced himself to watch. He couldn't help but feel he deserved to see himself like this. 

He didn't want to stay like this. While nausea lingered deep in his abdomen. The threat had long since passed. The foulest being had surfaced and departed for now. Erwin could find his relief from the constant taunting vengeance inside of him.

He pulled himself to his feet and made sure to clean his face before he left. Stopping to take note of the coarse stubble taking root on his jawline, chin, and under nose. Nothing truly of matter, but disappointment seared itself into his very being. He knew better than to ever let himself go by his own means. His hand brushed through his hair, in a poor attempt to hide its messy nature. It was useless, he knew it. Deep down he was simply going to dodge any interaction from the outside for the rest of the night if he could.

Levi was waiting outside the hall. A gaze far away and a stature that resembled arrogance but demanded respect. 

Erwin stepped halfway from the door. Leaning heavily against the frame. Levi approached him, more than ready to help him back to the room. But Erwin didn't move, his eyes were somewhere far off.

Levi furrowed his brows, trying to gauge the distance in Erwin's glare. Those icy blue orbs, clutched onto something in view and clung to it with frightening dissonance. 

Levi jerked his eyes away, Erwin was padding down the hall in the opposite direction of his room.

"Hey, old man, bedroom's that way. Don't tell me you've lost your marbles too?" Levi approached Erwin, standing beside him. 

Erwin paused, managing a weak throat laugh. "I'm going outside." 

"What?" Levi stared back blankly.  

"Amuse me won't you?" Erwin tilted his head in a proposing manner.

Levi glanced down. He didn't seem onboard. The man looked utterly miserable and here he was trying to take little field trips. "Fine. Make it quick. You look halfway to collapsing." Levi was serious this time, his voice reflecting unprecedented concern. 

He followed his commander down the quiet halls. Every so often, casting a glance up at the pale slate of Erwin's face. It seemed more shallow than he'd seen in a while. In the way that made him think he had lost more sleep than Levi had realized. A feverish blush still painted his cheeks in an off putting way. Levi hated it. 

They were outside before Levi realized. The air was warm, but he could tell the it stung against Erwin's flesh. Levi regretted glancing up at Erwin. There was a look in his eyes, one that Levi had only seen on rare occasion. 

Erwin was distant, his face hard and calloused with bitter memory. A faint fiery rage writhed beneath his ribcage.

'My wings are burning'

"Where are you Erwin?" Levi asked. Harsh and cold. His question came forth as Captain. In front of them was silence, the empty courtyard gazed wearily back at them, shielded by the curtain of midnight.

But they might as well have been on the precipice of battle itself. A war torn field, strewn with bodies and the metallic meaty tang of blood turned to mist. Levi stood beside his Commander, as if waiting for his next command. It would come with utter precision and calculation. Not a thing wouldn't be taken account of. 

"I don't dream, Levi."

Levi snapped his head up, unaware how shock suddenly captured him. Erwin was gently gripping his stump of a right arm.

"But lately I can't get the image of a forest clearing out of my mind." 

Levi's brows dropped and his shoulders slumped. A lump began to form in his throat. He didn't think Erwin was hopeless. But the thought… 

"I can't imagine peace without death. But somehow, I felt it. For a brief second, I could taste it." 

"But you don't want it." Levi interjected. This time his gaze was distant. His face remained unchanged. 

Erwin chuckled low in his throat. "There is no weight heavier than condemnation of knowledge. It's why soldiers like us will never know peace."

Levi scoffed. "You say that, but it's the lack of knowledge that kills you. No one is like you. It's the pursuit that will condemn you."

Erwin raised a brow. Tilting his head to catch Levi in his peripherals. Erwin posed a thoughtful smile. As if someone was finally getting the picture. Of course it would be Levi, it was always Levi. 

Levi hid the disappointment well. He glared at Erwin's arm. The tendons in Erwin's hand tensed, bones jutting ever so slightly as his fingertips dug into the fabric of his shirt. 

"The world's catching up to me Levi." 

Levi quietly reached up, placing a hand over Erwin's.

"Not a day goes by where the phantom pain doesn't remind me."

When had Erwin grown so weary? Had the sharp voice of command and reason waver? His posture was unsteady. The moonlight glistened off Erwin's face, dappled with sweat. Levi could feel it under his touch, Erwin's breath was unsteady. Levi couldn't take his eyes off the marble slate that was crumbling. The creases of Erwin's eyes gave away his pain. Levi could see the way every muscle tensed up within himself. Fighting, but faltering.

It was frightening. The pain was getting to him. Erwin didn't have to admit out loud. The shared silence told him enough. Had Erwin been any other man, he would've broken down on his knees. Begging for the pain to stop. But Erwin didn't have to. His own admiration melting away was frightening enough on its own.

Levi snapped back to attention when he realized Erwin was barely standing. One arm clung to the wall of the large military building. His knees were trembling.

Levi quickly snatched Erwin under his arms. Carrying his commander like a wounded soldier off the battlefield. "Come on, that's enough wandering about for one night." 

Erwin replied in a soft "mhm", allowing himself to be practically carried by Levi. He was still too proud to let Levi carry his weight entirely. But he'd be damned if he had to lean on the wall the entire way.

Levi brought Erwin back to their shared room, easing him onto the bed. Erwin slowly sat down, hissing under his breath as he lowered himself to a half sitting position. Levi crawled into the bed after him. As if he was glued to the man. Levi was disgusted that he had to be in the presence of illness, but he could overlook that. Someone had to make sure the big idiot was doing okay. 

Levi sat against the headboard, watching Erwin struggle to get comfortable. Quietly muttering under his breath each time he had to switch position, trying to ease the aching heat in his back and shoulders.

Levi reached out and put a hand on Erwin's shoulder. "Come here." He ordered.

Erwin paused, turning to send an inquisitive glare to the highlights of Levi's eyes in the dark. Erwin knew to push himself over to Levi. Resting his shoulders between Levi's thighs and placing his head on his lap.

Without cue, Levi began tenderly massaging Erwin's stiff shoulders. Feeling all the tight knots and muscles clench uncomfortably beneath his palms. Erwin winced and huffed quietly. But remained in place, squirming ever so slightly under the pressure. Every so often eliciting a groan.

"You really don't have to." Erwin exhaled. 

"Tch, those noises tell me you don't want me to stop." Levi replied. Maintaining expert focus on kneading his hands over Erwin's skin. One hand slipped around his neck and gently brushed over Erwin's chest. The coolness of his hand soaked over Erwin's sweat slicked chest. Erwin's heart thumped steadily. 

Erwin chuckled low in his throat. His eyes were closed and his head was limp. He gently reached up, grasping Levi's hand in his own. Cradling it like a cool rag. Erwin brought Levi's hand to his lips and pressed tender kisses along the soft skin of his knuckles. His breath hot and unsteady. Levi's fingers uncoiled from Erwin's, grazing over his stubble lined jaw. Pressing gently against Erwin's flesh, allowing his palm to cup just below the commander's ear.

Erwin's hand slowly dropped down until it was curled against his neck like a baby. His head drooped to the side, his jaw slack. His breathing grew steadily more rhythmic with each movement of his chest rising up and down. 

Levi continued gently stroking Erwin's jaw and cheek and softly rubbing his right shoulder. He couldn't take his eyes off of Erwin's sleep ridden face. For once, he looked at peace. His eyebrows weren't constantly busy with thoughts. A childish innocence streaked the hardened veteran's features. Levi wondered if Erwin gazed at him the same way when he slept. If holding him in his one arm at night and murmuring how beautiful his captain was until he had long fallen asleep cradled up against him meant anything. 

Levi brushed his thumb along Erwin's temple, gently feeling the crows feet that had begun to mark their presence. But no wrinkles quite as familiar as the ones between his eyebrows. Everytime the commander was deep in thought, or making his next bold decision, those wrinkles reminded Levi that it was best to remain silent for the moment. But now, Erwin's face was smooth. Every wrinkle had been carefully carved into place. Exactly where it needed to be. And even then, it betrayed Erwin's maturity. He still seemed innocent to Levi in his very eyes and mind right at this very moment. 

It was enough for him. Levi slowly leaned down and placed a delicate kiss on Erwin's forehead. Feeling the subtle flutter in his chest. Knowing that for just one night, he was safe in his arms. 

… 

The dawn was wary. Casting glints of sunlight through the dust flittered windows. The pen scrawled over the pages with enigmous fervor. His senses crawled to a halt when the familiar tap of fist to door met his ears.

It had been three days since Erwin and Levi last spent the night together. Levi had been whisked off on an expedition, leaving Erwin to his own mending.

A teacup brimming with dark oaky liquid, steam still rising off the surface met the mahogany of Erwin's desk. "How are you feeling?" Levi inquired. 

Erwin allowed himself to ease back into his chair. "Much better. Fever is long gone."

Levi raised a brow, swiftly pulling a seat across from Erwin. "Only took you nearly passing out to admit you were ill. Stubborn as always." Levi had a smug tone.

Erwin turned his head down almost bashfully, "Yes well, I wasn't in my right mind. As much as I don't wish to admit it." He gingerly picked up the teacup, welcoming the warm fragrance of chamomile to his tongue. 

"And your arm?" Levi asked abruptly.

Erwin paused. He gently placed the teacup back to his desk. The tea was warm. Even upon sliding down to his stomach. But the warmth stayed, barely bubbling with the intent of a familiar friend. Seething ever so quietly in the pit of his gut. His throat felt thick, he swallowed back at the lump, pressing its sharpness into the walls of his esophagus. 

Erwin did not respond right away. He glanced down thoughtfully. A dull ache rang down the side of his right shoulder and pectoral. But the frustrating need to massage the knots of his missing limb was gone.

Erwin's eyes were soft when they met Levi's. A calmness washed over him. "Better." 

There was near relief in Levi's eyes. For a very brief moment, they held onto each other. A word wasn't spared, as their eyes locked on one another. 

Levi broke contact first and scanned the paperwork scattered neatly on Erwin's desk. He reached over, plucking a page and briefly looking over the contents of it. He glared at Erwin over the page. "So these are your plans for the day?"

Erwin sighed, flexing his fingers to work out the stiffness of gripping a pen all day. "Yes, unfortunately my absence does not mean the paperwork stops. Afraid I'll be catching up." 

"Hm. Let me help." Levi offered. Although, he didn't seem up for negotiation.

Erwin raised a brow. "Never thought in my day I'd see you jump to do paperwork." Erwin replied with a grin.

"Shut up. Don't you want to be done sooner?" 

"Oh I don't know. The monotony of paperwork is rather endearing." 

Levi gazed up at Erwin. Was that the slightest hint of a smirk Erwin saw? Levi looked back down, picking up Erwin's pen, he began sorting through some of the pages on Erwin's desk.

Erwin took the opportunity to rest his hand. He swallowed comfortably. The strain in his throat has disappeared, retreating as Erwin's confidence returned. It was gone, but never let its presence go unknown. 

Warmth spilled over Erwin's fingers. His eyes met his own hand, interlaced with Levi's. Levi was long gone in his own world. But he held Erwin, gently and affectionately in the most Levi way possible. Erwin smiled warmly, twisting his hand to comfortably twine his fingers between Levi's. Levi's heartbeat thudded dully beneath Erwin's palm. The two remained in blissful silence. Ease washed over Erwin's body. 

It was guilt. It was always guilt.