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Cries.
The anguish scream for help of a child that barely knew a word, struggling to express the pain tearing him apart, echoed within the concrete walls and pierced through Taehyung’s brain.
With every cry ripping through the baby’s lungs, Taehyung felt more and more ice-cold despair pouring all over him, cutting his skins only to bleed more fear. His legs weakened, nearly giving up before he made it to the source of the cries.
Eventually, he also heard the cries of a man. It did not last long, though, because soon, Taehyung was faced with him, his Jimin, holding their child and rushing out of the bedroom, swollen eyes filled with tears and panic.
“Jimin, what happened?”, said Taehyung but he found his voice lost and buried under the wailing of others.
“Talk to me, Jimin, is there something wrong with Hanbin?”
Taehyung tried to reach out, but all his hands managed to grab was thin air and the widening distance between them - Within a blink of an eye, a three-step gap then turned into two poles of the Earth - but he could not stop his ears from hearing those cries, heart from shattering into pieces, and self falling into the an abyss.
;;;
“Jimin-”
Taehyung stirred awake, limbs still frozen and paralysed, shirt dampened with cold sweat. Every attempt to move, even just a tip of his finger, felt so heavy, as if a mountain crashed on him. His mind could barely form a thought yet, still veiled with the fog of a deep disturbing sleep.
It took him a few minutes to stabilise his breath, gather himself, and recognise the surroundings.
White ceiling.
Brown blackout curtains.
Bedside table lamp with the shape of a mushroom.
The comfort of his bedroom. Except nowadays, the nightmares had been frequently leaking through the windows to ruin the so-called “comfort”.
When he finally managed to lift his neck, as a habit, he looked over to the other side of the bed, only to find the space untouched and left no sign of anyone visiting last night.
Suddenly, his throat felt so dry and bitter, and it was not even the good kind of bitter - like the aftertaste of his morning coffee - but the bad one: the burned crumbs of his toast, the soap he accidentally got in his mouth, or tobacco. The kind that can hurt, destroy, and kill him from the inside.
Taehyung left his bed, letting the taste linger there until he eventually forgot about it as he went about his day.
;;;
It was an especially chaotic day at work. Strings of emails kept flooding Taehyung’s computer, followed by piles of papers put on his desk.
The non-stop rings of the telephones and the print machines. The frantic typing sound on keyboards. The whispers, the casual talks, the yells. All the noises exploding in the office were stressing everyone out, but not him. Anyone, but not Kim Taehyung. And definitely not his mind which buried itself in all the numbers and documents to numb every feeling daring to creep into his head, to not let his thoughts wander anywhere, and to not think of the reality.
“Jisoo, would you mind staying after office hours to finish all of these files?”
For a split moment, Taehyung’s ear picked up his boss’s voice.
“Sir, I can’t,” answered Jisoo. “I have a family thing this evening-”
“Well,” his boss was visibly not pleased with the rejection. “Who else is gonna-”
“I can do it for Jisoo.”
Taehyung raised his hand, looking at both his boss and a surprised Jisoo.
“Boy,” The one in authority stared at him as if he grew another head. “You already covered Joohyun and Hansol this week. Do you even wanna go home?”
“No.” He muttered on the back of his mind. “I don’t have a reason to.”
“I can do it,” said Taehyung instead, shrugging. “I also get the extra money, right?”
“Yeah, you do,” sighed his boss as they walked away. “Alright, just…Don’t overwork yourself.”
Taehyung went back to his work as soon as the conversation ended, leaving Jisoo’s expressions of gratitude out of his attentional zone.
When his visions started to blur out of exhaustion, Taehyung took a break to the lunchroom for a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate in the vending machine. But his steps were stopped by the mention of his name by two colleagues who were too busy gossiping to notice someone else standing at the door.
“Taehyung’s totally broke for real,” one of them claimed. “He’s working like crazy for every last penny.”
“How can he not, with his situation right now,” replied the other person. “It must be taking a toll on him, he’s barely a soulless corpse right now.”
“I know right? It was like all of his joy got sucked out of him-”
Immediately, Taehyung turned his back to leave. No cup of tea or chocolate could be appealing enough for him to stay and listen to his equal colleagues talking about how pathetic and miserable his life was for a pity party.
He was barely keeping it together, he didn’t need someone to remind him in the face that he was not.
;;;
When Taehyung finished up the work of the day, the sky was already pitch black. He felt every single cell in his body aching and exhausted. Fortunately, driving made him more awake, at least awake enough to make it across the vast Seoul landscape.
However, the moment he parked his car, it was not in front of his house, but in the parking lot of a building still bright and alive in the middle of the night, with its shining name touching the stars high above. Yulje Medical Centre .
With ease, Taehyung walked through the hallways and stairs as if the map of the hospital imprinted in his brain, as if he did the same thing every single day for the past few months (which he really did). He only stopped the second he spotted a familiar figure sitting in front of the paediatric intensive care unit. So small and lonely, like at any moment, the cold autumn could swallow up the person, varnishing him into thin air.
“Jimin.”
Taehyung smiled, sitting down next to his husband.
Jimin looked up, eyes widening at the sight of him.
“Did you just come off work? Why don’t you go home and rest?”
“I came to see Hanbin,” responded Taehyung. “How’s our boy?”
“The surgery’s been postponed due to pneumonia, but the fever has gone down, so has the CRP,” Jimin mumbled, burying his face in his hands. “The operation might be next Saturday afternoon.”
“That’s good news, right,” Taehyung sighed in relief. “Soon, he will be okay.”
“Yeah.”
And Jimin sniffled. The sound was small, like he just had a runny nose, but Taehyung knew his husband enough, having wiped the other man’s tears off his cheeks enough times throughout his life, to know whenever Jimin’s emotions welled up in his eyes.
“Hey, baby,” as a reflex, Taehyung instantly reassured the other, soft voice laced with all the sweet honey he only had for Jimin. “Why are you crying? Hanbin’s definitely going to get better and come home with us soon. Don’t drain all of your energy thinking too much, we’ll need it for the remaining part of this journey.”
Taehyung intended to press a kiss on Jimin’s head, but sensing his approach, the other visibly flinched and lowered his head, avoiding Taehyung’s intimacy. As if Jimin was uncomfortable. As if Taehyung was just a mere stranger that Jimin was grossed out.
There it was. The bitter taste lingering in Taehyung’s throat became vivid once again, despite many of his attempts to forget. It spread through every part of his body and suffocated him, heightening the aching pain already consuming him.
“Let me see him for a little bit, then we can go home together. How does that sound?”
Taehyung stood up, coughing to clear the trembles in his voice.
“I don’t want to leave.”
“No, Jimin, you’ve been staying here for two days,” Taehyung shook his head firmly. “Did you even have any sleep? Shower? You’re coming with me.”
“Taehyung-”
“End. Of. Discussion.”
Taehyung stated, entering the paediatric intensive care unit before Jimin could say anything else.
;;;
Hanbin was the most precious baby ever, and Taehyung could confidently say it without any bias at all. His giggles always lit up even the darkest days, and his tiny hands always grabbed Taehyung’s nose before leaning in to kiss his “dada”.
Besides Jimin, Hanbin was the greatest gift Life had granted to Taehyung. So just the thought of the baby in any discomfort, even the slightest, was a turmoil to him, not to mention a visit to the emergency room and a heart surgery.
His sky crashed down, losing all of its colours in front of his eyes. Taehyung couldn’t do anything but cry. For hours, Jimin and him just held onto each other for dear life, weeping in worries and fear, barely able to form any word to describe what happened to his parents. Their grabs on others were so tight they left scratches, but they couldn’t help it.
The other man was their last strength, their water on a desert, their life vest on an ocean, their very last piece of sanity.
And it was brutal to watch Taehyung’s last strength gradually drifting away from him, leaving him battling with his own agony.
Park Jimin, his sunshine, his love, his day and night, and his whole heart, closed off. They barely met each other anymore, with Taehyung working extra hours to pay the hospital bills, with Jimin staying in the hospital to take care of Hanbin. The touches became unfamiliar and they stopped having any proper conversation outside of “Can you bring my clothes to the hospital?” and “Doctor Kim said Hanbin’s improving”.
And Taehyung was fucking exhausted. Sometimes, he just wanted a hug. And God, had he become so fucking poor that he couldn’t afford one hug from his husband?
Taehyung always took pride in their strong, healthy, communicative relationship.
But maybe, he learned that even the toughest surface cracks under pressure.
;;;
“I’ll stay at the hospital with Hanbin today.”
Seen 20 mins ago
Taehyung sighed, looking at the text he sent Jimin that remained unanswered. He put his phone in his pocket, turning his attention to his plate of food at the hospital’s cafeteria. Stir-fried sausage and broccoli. Kimchi. Chicken nuggets. Hot white rice. They looked fantastic, to be honest, but he didn’t have any appetite.
Taehyung always dreaded eating alone. Maybe it was a consequence of growing up in a big family where his siblings never left him alone whenever he had his own food, or maybe because he got used to spending every meal with Jimin ever since high school.
Loneliness surrounded him in a room full of people chattering, doctors and nurses, patients and their close ones.
If Jimin had been here, he would have made a face at the broccoli in their plates and given all of them to Taehyung. (Just the image of that was able to make the corners of Taehyung’s lips turn upwards.)
If Jimin had been here, he would have said the kimchi tasted like their favourite restaurant in Daejeon, and they should visit there next weekend. (The food suddenly became less bland on his tongue.)
If Jimin had been here, he would have told Taehyung about his day at the publisher and listened to the other ranting about his awful office. (His eyes felt wet).
If Jimin had been here-
Jimin would not have been here. (Taehyung covered his eyes and finished his plate in minutes before anyone could see his tears.)
;;;
Taehyung broke down in the restroom. Cries ripped through his throat as he trembled, crumbling down from all the pressure and tension weighing on his shoulders.
His body didn’t feel like his anymore. The pain was so raw and anguished.
He hugged his legs, curling up, as if he hoped he could become smaller and smaller, until he became a dust in the wind that none could find him anymore.
;;;
Taehyung didn’t expect to bump into Jimin at home when he came back the next morning. Which was ironic, he thought. It was their house after all.
It was where they incubated all of their dreams, from marrying each other to having a child. It was where they spent their days and nights together. It was where Jimin tried to seduce Taehyung into rewatching “The Notebook” for the nth time, where Taehyung brought a new cactus he bought outside of his company back to every two months, where Hanbin had his first steps, first words, first Ghibli movie, and basically first of everything.
Jimin looked less tired than usual, probably because he finally gave himself an eight-hour sleep. Not until Taehyung saw him tying his hair up in a little ponytail did he notice Jimin’s hair had gotten so long.
He looked so pretty, Taehyung couldn’t help but think, in his silk pyjamas and bread crumbs on his lips as he had breakfast.
Taehyung missed this. God, he missed this so much he could feel the tears he thought ran out from yesterday’s breakdown blurring his visions.
“Jimin.”
Taehyung whispered, as if he was scared that his voice could shatter this moment at any minute.
“Hm?”
Jimin looked up, eyes meeting his.
And out of sudden, Taehyung was at a loss for words. All the thoughts that had parasitised his mind got sucked out, leaving only an urge to bathe in Jimin’s warmth.
So he did. Taehyung hugged Jimin before the other man could react, burying his face in the crook of Jimin’s neck, inhaling the coconut scent of his shampoo, head screaming only one word: familiarity .
“Taehyung? Wh-”
“Please. Just a minute.”
Taehyung said as soon as he found Jimin’s hands on his shoulders, planning to push him away. He didn’t realise he burst into tears until his husband pointed out.
“Why are you crying,” Jimin panicked. “Did something happen? Are you okay? Is it about Hanbin?”
“I just,” Taehyung tightened his hug. “Miss you. Miss us. ”
“ Oh .”
It was Jimin’s turn to be speechless.
“You know you can always tell me everything, right,” said Taehyung between tears. “We need each other. And we have each other. I don’t know what caused us to drift apart the past few months, but I don’t want it. I love you, Park Jimin.”
Before Taehyung could say anything else, he felt Jimin’s arms wrapping around him and tears wetting his left shoulder as Jimin’s face morphed into sobs.
“I’m sorry,” he hiccuped. “I’m sorry, Taehyung, I am-”
“You don’t have any reason to-”
“I do!” Jimin weeped. “I pushed you away! I couldn’t stand the sight of you because of guilt. It happened to Hanbin when I was taking care of him, so I keep thinking that it’s my fault.” His lips quivered. “And I start to think you’ll resent me for it, and I, and I-”
“Jimin-”
“No, let me finish,” Jimin shook his head. “I was in my head so much that I forgot to check on you and us. I’ll do better I promise.”
“Can I speak now?” Taehyung pressed a kiss on Jimin’s right ear.
“Sure.”
“I want you to know that it’s not your fault,” he said firmly. “I don’t blame you. It’s something very unfortunate, but we’ll get through this together. Our boy is going to be okay and grow up healthily like any other kid. No, maybe even better, because he has two incredible dads with him,” Taehyung joked, getting a giggle from Jimin. “We got this, m’ love.”
“We got this.” Jimin repeated.
Taehyung felt a smile blooming on his face.
“That’s right, we got this.”
;;;
For the first time in a few months, Taehyung got Jimin in his arms when he went to bed. They took turns to spoon each other, stealing kisses and warm glances through the night, bathing in each other’s presence.
So this was how nice it was, they got reminded, to be hugged.
;;;
If they thought they knew what anxious was, they sure had to rethink about that on the day of Hanbin’s operation.
Taehyung was stressed so much he felt like his heart could explode at any moment. He became more fidgety than usual, keeping picking his skin and touching Jimin, who was not much better. His husband either kept putting his hands together to pray or walked back and forth in front of the surgery room, counting every second passing by.
It was like sitting on fire, as one may say.
Their parents and siblings also came for support, but no one could calm down the crazy train of thoughts running around both of their heads. Luckily, others sympathised. They knew their attention was a hundred percent on Hanbin and nothing else.
Half a day later, the hallway became less crowded, some left, some went for coffee.
The lights turned off.
Immediately, Taehyung and Jimin stood up, grabbing each other's hand, waiting for the main surgeon to walk out of the door. Seconds later, Doctor Kim appeared, taking off his mask.
“How did it go, sir?” asked Jimin.
“I’m happy to inform you that the surgery went very well,” said Doctor Kim in a calm professional manner. “We patched up the ventricular hole. The pulmonary trunk took longer than expected because we wanted to save the valve. But fortunately that went well too. So it’s nicely closed now. We’re going to move him to the intensive care unit in about half an hour. Hanbin’s parents have worked hard, so you don’t have to worry anymore now. Thank you for staying strong for Hanbin.”
“Thank you, sir,” both Jimin and Taehyung spoke out loud as they burst into tears. “Oh, thank you so much. You’ve worked hard. Thanks for everything you’ve done for Hanbin.”
“See you later, Hanbin’s dads.”
“Yes,” Jimin sobbed in gratitude as his legs weakened. “Thank you, sir.” He crouched down to the floor, pulling Taehyung with him.
As the surgeon left, their families gathered to hug both of them, all in grateful and happy tears for their son’s safety.
;;;
“Dada! I drew myself!”
Excitement vibrated through Hanbin’s voice as he ran to the living room to show Taehyung his self-portrait in broken crayons.
“Let me see,” Taehyung looked at the drawing while frowning to act like an art critic. “Is this really yours, young boy?”
“Yes!” exclaimed Hanbin. “Here’s my eyes, here’s my nose, and here’s my mouth!”
“But you don’t have a nose though!” Taehyung tilted his head.
“Dada, my nose is right here-Ah!”
From behind Hanbin, Jimin lifted the boy up in the air and growled.
“I’m the nose monster! Where’s that kid that didn’t eat his vegetables in his food? I’m gonna take his nose.”
“Noooooo,” giggled Hanbin as he covered his nose. “Don’t take my nose, I’ll eat my vegetables!”
“Are you sure,” Jimin growled again. “I’ll also take the noses of kids who lie!”
“I don’t lie, nose monster,” answered Hanbin. “My dads would be mad if I lie so I don’t!”
“Is that so,” Jimin put the boy down on Taehyung's lap. “Then I believe you.”
“You two are really good actors,” laughed Hanbin as he pecked both of them. “My favourites!”
“Thank you, little prince,” smiled Taehyung. “You’re a great artist too, and I’m not saying this just because I’m your dada.”
“Taehyung’s right, Hanbin,” Jimin sat down next to both of them. “Do you love drawing? What do you think of an art class?”
“I don’t need a class for that,” Hanbin shrugged. “I already know how to draw.”
“I know,” Taehyung nodded. “But sometimes, people have art classes to know what they want to draw and if there’s any way they can draw it better. You can just go to one session and if you don’t like it, we won’t force you to go again. What do you think about that?”
“Hmm,” Hanbin took a few seconds to consider. “You’ll let me stay home if I don’t like it?”
“Yes, precious.”
“Okay.”
“Great,” Jimin patted the boy’s head. “We love you.”
“We love you.”
Jimin and Taehyung couldn’t help but be emotional at how good their son had grown up. The three had come a long way and they were then for sure, there would be a long, bright way ahead.
;;;