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Shi De tightly clasps Shu Yi’s hand.
The far away rumbling sound is getting louder at what feels like lightspeed. Their hands are in a firm embrace, not afraid, not shaking.
“Which one do you think will go first?” Shu Yi glances at Shi De. Each of their faces smeared with tears. “The cream coloured one on the right or… that gray one on the left.”
“The gray one,” Shi De says with a smile.
“Hmm. I say the cream one.” Shu Yi says, keeping a smile to himself. You've already won and no matter how much I have tried to avoid it, I lost. I lost and I couldn't be happier.
“We’ll see,” Shi De tightly squeezes Shu Yi's hand within the embrace.
Shu Yi smiles. The sound of their heart beats is somehow louder than that of the collapsing world.
“The sky is looking exceptionally pretty for a day like this,” Shi De says, looking at all the colors in the sky. From purple to orange. It’s magnificent. Was the apocalypse always meant to be this beautiful?
Shi De turns to Shu Yi. “Why are you with me right now?”
“I have nowhere else to go.”
“That’s not true.”
“I don’t have time to lie.”
Shi De stares into his eyes.
Should he mourn for all the lost time? It’s not fair. It’s not fair! Why did we get so little time?
Should he be grateful instead? We got this little time. Maybe it is enough.
Shi De looks around as the world caves in, “It means the world to me.”
Shu Yi smiles, shaking his head, perhaps too late to be doting over Shi De’s gentle cleverness, “What about you? Why are you here?”
“You…” Shi De laughs at the absurdity of his question as tears roll down his face. Why are you here? Because you are... Where else would I be? “You have no idea.”
The ground beneath their feet trembles, Shu Yi stumbles closer to Shi De, and as the tremors pass he laughs softly. You have no idea. “Gao Shi De.”
“Yes.”
“You don’t have any idea either,” Shu Yi says. He kept mistaking his obsession with him all his life, only to realize how empty and meaningless it would have been without him.
“Okay,” Shi De nods, at a loss of words, smiling through tears, a little flustered upon hearing that. He never thought.
“Okay,” Shu Yi repeats. He could have had this so long ago, but here they are.
“Are you scared?”
“Yes, but… I am not sad. I have like hundreds of reasons to be sad right now, to complain, but I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to complain about anything.”
Shi De snivels, breath hitching in his throat, “I don’t have any complaints.” How can he be ungrateful now? The world is collapsing around him yet he has his whole world in his hand.
“Maybe in some other universe it’s different.”
“Maybe I am not that of a conceited bastard.”
“Maybe I am not that big of a coward.”
“It took the world ending for me to realize, huh?”
Shi De laughs, “It really did.”
Shu Yi jerks and puts his free hand over his ear as there is a loud explosion.
Shi De pulls him in a hug.
“You win, you idiot,” Shu Yi whispers, easing between Shi De’s arms, as the gray building collapses, his lips trembling, “Once again for the last time.”
“You let me win,” Shi De says, clutching him tighter with all his might, “How badly did you wish that I would choose the cream one?”
They shut their eyes tight, tears and smiles on their faces.
“I did not. I don't mind losing to you, ” Shu Yi says, fixing his face in the crook of Shi De’s neck.
***
Shu Yi breaks the embrace. He doesn’t know how he ended up like this. Crying on the shoulder of a random stranger. He quickly wipes his face on his sleeves.
“I am sorry. I am extremely sorry.”
“No. No. It’s alright… I mean… Are you alright?”
Shu Yi wants to dig a whole in the ground and hide inside the earth’s core. He hates himself. He forces a response, “I don’t know, but I feel better now.”
“Crying helps.”
Shu Yi stares at the stranger's face. It feels strange. He is pretty sure he has never seen him before but he seems familiar for some reason.
“I am Gao Shi De, by the way.”
Shu Yi nods, “Zhou Shu Yi. I am so sorry about that,” he repeats, feeling the embarrassment crawling inside his skin, seeping into his bones.
“Hey, stop saying that. We all have bad days.”
“But I don’t even know you, and I put you in this extremely awkward situation.”
Gao Shi De looks at his innocent face, eyes red and puffy from crying, not holding his gaze, embarrassed. “Well…" It was a little awkward, to be honest, but he feels content knowing that he could be there for him even if he doesn’t know him. “You know my name now, and I know yours too. And I also know that something made you so sad today that you had to let it out and I am glad I was there for you.”
Shu Yi quickly grabs Shi De’s arm as the bus hits a road bump and Shi De jerks forward. He laughs, and Shu Yi feels his heart skip a beat.
“Thanks,” Shi De says, putting a hand over Shu Yi’s. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Shu Yi gulps, “No… not really. It’s just family stuff. My dad can get pretty annoying sometimes,” he smiles and takes his hand off Shi De’s arm.
Shi De returns him an understanding smile. He chuckles softly, “Should I be glad I don’t have one?”
The smile falls from Shu Yi’s lips. He can see the pain behind that cheerful smile.
“Sorry.” Shi De looks away. He didn't mean to spit out something so personal randomly at a stranger.
After contemplating for a couple of quiet seconds, “What… What about your mom?” Shu Yi asks.
Shi De smiles thinking about her, “She's nice, really nice."
Shu Yi smiles looking at his face, "I am glad."
"Me too," Shi De turns to him, "What about yours?"
Shu Yi shrugs with a soft melancholic smile on his lips. Shi De understands. Shu Yi looks outside of the window. For the first time, his loneliness doesn't feel so empty. He feels like there's someone who could understand. Shi De looks ahead. He was about to call a cab but today he thought he would take the bus instead just because it had been quite a long time. It is just pure dumb luck he ended up sitting beside him. He could have found another shoulder to cry on. He looks at Shu Yi again.
"I… I know you said you don't know me, but you could. I mean… if you want to," Shi De hesitates.
Shu Yi waits for him to complete. If you want to.
"There's no harm in it. You seem nice. I… I can be a half decent person too," he laughs, "unless I look like a burglar or some kind of sociopath or a creep…" he scrunches his nose, "Do I look like one?"
Shu Yi laughs, "No. Not at all. Not even close."
Shi De feels his cheek warm up, "So… ?" he raises his eyebrow hopefully.
"I don't mind making a friend," Shu Yi smiles softly.
It makes Shi De want to jump but he simply tries his best to not smile like an idiot. "Cool."
Shu Yi smiles staring out of the window, breath still uneven from crying, but his heart feels lighter.
Shi De asks, "So where are you headed?"
***
"To get milk," Shu Yi grabs his wallet, hurrying out of the door. "I thought I had bought it."
"Maybe I could cook them something else for breakfast."
"I am not dealing with the drama, and I don't think you have time to cook either," Shu Yi says with a tired smile.
Shi De laughs, "Be safe."
"Get the kids in their uniforms."
"I will."
Shi De walks into the washroom. The two kids pushing each other, the little one on her tiptoes trying to reach for the mirror.
"What are you two doing?" Shi De whines. He picks up the little girl. "Couldn't you use the other washroom, Taiyo?"
"But I like this one," the six year old boy says with a mouthful of toothpaste. Shi De shakes his head and runs to the other washroom with his daughter, he gets a stool and stands her on top of it. He takes the toothbrush from her hand, crouches and starts brushing her teeth.
"When will you learn to brush your teeth?" he pouts, "Hmm? Are you ever going to grow up?"
"But papa, I am taller than you," she giggles and the toothpaste foam sprinkles on Shi De's face. Shi De laughs.
"Tai," he calls, "Tai! Taiyo!" Upon getting no answer, he quickly washes her mouth and runs to the other room only to see him playing with his toys, "Baby, now is not the time!" He picks him up too. "What is your sister going to learn from you? You have to be a nice big brother."
"But dad told me playing is nice."
"I am pretty sure he didn't mean that you play while getting ready for school.”
“He didn’t mention any conditions."
"I will talk to him about it, but now you are going to wash up and wear your uniform like a good boy while I get your sister ready. Okay?"
The boy doesn't answer, eyes stuck on the stuffed dinosaur on the sofa.
"Daisy looks hungry."
"Are you even listening to me?"
"Yes. I am."
"I will take care of Daisy when you are at school if you listen to me, okay?" he ruffles his hair. The boy grins looking at him and nods eagerly, "Okay!"
Shu Yi takes off his slippers and puts the bag of groceries on the kitchen counter.
“Shi De!” Shu Yi calls.
“Here in the… kids’ bedroom,” Shi De says in a disgruntled voice, “Luna, no!”
Shu Yi enters the room only to see Shi De struggling to tie Taiyo's shoelaces while Luna is climbing on his back clutching his hair giggling, "Papa is a horsey!"
"Ouch! Luna, get off my back please."
"Luna!" Shu Yi picks up her daughter in his arms and kisses her cheek while laughing. "What are you doing?"
“I know where she gets all her mischief from,” Shi De says. Shu Yi smiles looking at him.
"Papa's a horsey."
"No. He's not a horsey," Shu Yi scrunches his nose in adoration. He raises his eyebrows, asking, "Do you want a horsey?"
The little girl nods eagerly.
"No one's getting a horsey," Shi De exhales, finally done with the shoelaces.
Tai raises his hand and tries fixing Shi De's hair, "Papa can I get a dinosaur too?"
"A real one?" Shi De turns to him, feeling soft over the little gesture. He takes his hand and whispers, “Thank you,” kissing his tiny nose.
The boy nods, "A real one."
Shi De looks up at Shu Yi, tilting his head, "Ask your Dad. He's getting you both your horsey and a real dinosaur apparently."
"Can I dada?"
"Well… A real dinosaur would eat you both and you are too small for a real horsey,” Shu Yi smiles, “But. I will see what I can get.”
“You are going to spoil them both.”
“Me?” Shu Yi laughs, “How much you wanna bet on that you will get them both what they want before I even get the chance to think about it?”
Shi De tries hiding his grin. He gets up holding Tai's hand, “Tie Luna's hair. I’ll get the breakfast,” he kisses Shu Yi on the cheek as passes by him.
***
“I am sorry,” Shi De blurts out. “I am so sorry.” Shu Yi is staring at him with wide eyes.
Shu Yi doesn't blink. Despite being taken aback and frozen by the act, his fingers tremble over Shi De's. A couple of seconds later he looks away, heart thumping in his head. Why would he do that? He stands straight, steps back, and adjusts his glasses. He picks up the music sheets and flips through them, not really looking for anything. He needs a distraction.
"Play back the same tune again," Shu Yi tries to keep his composure as much as he can at this moment, after he just… Shu Yi tilts his head, feeling the place where Shi De had just kissed him on his cheek with his shoulder.
Shi De looks down at the black and white keys. He can't remember a single thing. Not a single thing. His brain is a mess, and heart, well, heart wasn't in the right place since the first day. Now, Shu Yi has taken away the music sheets too, and his hands aren't there to guide him either. Should he apologize again? He takes a quick glance at Shu Yi, upon finding him already staring, he looks away.
Shu Yi looks away immediately too.
"I… I…" Shi De stops to breathe. "I can't remember."
"You never pay attention."
"I am sorry."
Shu Yi puts the sheets down and walks back to him, and stops behind him.
Shu Yi puts a hand on his back, "Sit straight."
Shi De nods and does as instructed. He exhales, trying to clear his mind so he can pay attention this time.
Shu Yi bends closer, his mouth near Shi De's ear. He puts each of his arms over Shi De's shoulder, aligning them with his arms, lightly putting his palms over the back of his hand.
Shi De makes sure to not make any movement or even glance at him. He tries recalling what Shu Yi was playing or trying to teach him before.
"Not like this," Shu Yi sighs.
"I am so—"
"Shh." Shut up for a minute, will you? Shu Yi holds each of his fingers, one by one, showing him how to position them, wondering how someone can be so forgetful. Some days he plays alright but others? He is worse than he was on his first day. Shu Yi fixes his chin on the crook of Shi De's neck, he can feel his heartbeats.
"Sit straight. How hard is it to understand?"
Shi De shuts his eyes. He is going to suffocate to death like this. His knuckles feel weak, here he is trying to not melt into a puddle, and Shu Yi has the audacity to ask him to sit straight?
"I… " Shi De gulps, "I don't—"
Shu Yi kisses his neck and he shuts his mouth. He kisses him again, and again, lips trailing slowly along his neck. Shi De shuts his eyes. Shu Yi clutches his hand tighter, his fingers slipping between Shi De's.
Shi De forces one of his hands out of the grip and places it behind Shu Yi's head. Shu Yi kisses his chin and then pauses. He stares into his eyes. Shi De gasps softly. He keeps staring into his eyes, not moving. Waiting. He squints slightly.
It makes Shi De smile. You want me to make a move?
Shu Yi clutches the collar of his shirt and presses his forehead against Shi De's, his lips so close and reachable. Shi De waits for the next couple of seconds, just to annoy him, now that he knows how badly he wants it too. And then he clutches his hair, crushing their lips together. The keys against their hand produce a really odd sound. Shu Yi mutters under his breath, "Fuck," as he continues kissing him hungrily. The frame of his glasses scrapes on Shi De’s nose bridge. Shi De grunts softly but doesn’t stop. Shu Yi takes it off in between. Shi De arches his neck further back. It's hard kissing him like this. Shi De puts one of his legs across the bench, turning towards him. He frees his other arm and slides it along Shu Yi's waist.
***
"Are you a fucking idiot!!" Shi De asks, heaving, frustrated. He takes his arm off the man's waist. He is looking at him with a blank expression, his hair disheveled.
Shu Yi, still grabbing his upper arm, tries saying something as he stands straight, his heart drumming, "I just— " He looks around at the people staring at them.
"Are you new here? Have you never been out of your house or what?"
Shu Yi frowns now. At first, he was in shock, but who even is he? And why is he screaming at him? He fixes his hair, glances around once again, the people are starting to leave now.
"Why are you screaming?" he asks flatly, casually.
Shi De abruptly stops, stupefied by his calmness, Why are you screaming? " You could have died!!"
"No?"
"What do you mean by "no" ? You were standing in the middle of the road!"
"I was looking up the address on the map."
"In the middle of the road?" Shi De scoffs.
"Um… " Shu Yi clears his throat, "That's none of your business."
"Really?" Shi De frowns in disbelief. "This is what you have to say after I just saved your life?"
"I didn't ask you to."
The classic thankless response. "You are unbelievable." Shi De removes Shu Yi's hand from his arm.
" You are unbelievable. I would have thanked you if you weren't acting so conceited and superior for saving me. Any decent person would have done that. Stop shouting at me, okay? You are not a superhero or something."
Shi De keeps looking at him, irritated by what he had just said. But it's weird. And maybe he isn't wrong. He could have just asked if he was okay and left. Why is he angry? He clenches his jaw and then exhales, trying to calm himself. "I… It's just that… I don't know," Shi De looks away, trying to think of the right words, something that will not sound insane or extremely awkward, "You could've died."
"You've said that already."
But… for some reason, I hate the thought, it scares me so much, it angers me that you could be so careless with your life, but I just met you, it doesn't make sense.
"I got scared, okay?"
Shu Yi notices the hesitance on his face, in his eyes. The embarrassment.
"I mean…" he shrugs, "just like you said, anyone would have felt like that."
The sudden calmness in his voice is a little too much to digest. Shu Yi nods, not knowing what to say.
"You shouldn't be so careless."
"I just got caught up," Shu Yi looks down, unable to hold his gaze anymore. When he was angry, it was easy. Now that there is concern in his eyes…
"Are you new here?"
"No. I just haven't been in this part of the city."
Shi De looks away, thinking. He takes a step towards him, "Show me the address. I could direct you."
Shu Yi nods. Shi De leans closer looking into his phone as he shows him the address. He watches as he speaks the directions, almost soft, nothing like what he was like a few moments ago. He seems like a different person, his anger doesn't make any sense. Why were you scolding me? He smiles as he tells him how he had to drive twice the distance once because he took one wrong cut. Shu Yi smiles as Shi De's lips curl into an embarrassed smile.
Shi De pauses for a second looking at his smile but composes himself and stares back at the screen.
"So yeah… It's like a ten minute walk and you'll be there."
"Thanks."
"No problem. My office is nearby. I know the place."
"For earlier. I was being a jerk. Thank you for saving me. I mean it."
Shi De nods after a moment. "I shouldn't have shouted. I was the one who was acting like a jerk."
Shu Yi shrugs, "Nevermind."
"Did you get the address I explained?"
Shu Yi looks ahead at the road. "Uh… Straight from here, then take … um… right from the second, no… the third crossing? And then…" Shu Yi tries recalling. He's not very good with remembering the streets and staring at his face while he was explaining didn't really help.
"You… " Shi De pauses, thinking if it would be appropriate to laugh. How could he get it so wrong? "That's… not right. You are not even close." Shi De tries hiding a smile. He notices the way he looks away, his expression clearly telling how embarrassed he is.
"Come with me. I can take you there."
"No. I'll be fine. I'll just follow the map."
"That's too risky considering the way you were following the map a moment ago."
"That was an accident. Why would I repeat it?"
"Just come with me, okay?" Shi De starts walking. Shu Yi, not knowing what else to do, eventually follows. He takes a few quick steps to catch up to him.
"Uhm…" Shu Yi hesitates before asking, and decides not to. He can look it up himself.
Shi De raises his eyebrows, "Hm?"
"Nothing."
Shi De looks away. It's a little awkward. The weird change of events. He takes his phone out of his pocket. He had just gotten out of his car and was about to enter the office building when he caught his eyes. Shi De informs his assistant that he'll be a few minutes late today and puts his phone back.
Shu Yi stares at him sideways. He is wearing a crisp white shirt with gray pants. Everything stitched to perfection. He catches his eyes staring back as his gaze travels upward.
"You… want to ask me something?"
"Not really."
"You don't have to hesitate."
"I… I am not," Shi Yi sighs, he might as well ask, "I was just wondering if you know some nice places to eat around here. Somewhere I could go in the evening after I am done with my work."
"Hm. There are a few. What are you looking for? A café or a proper dinner place?"
"Anything. I am alone so it doesn't really matter. The food should be good."
"I see." Shi De stops at the crossing between the crowd of other people waiting for the green signal, Shu Yi beside him.
As the signal turns green and people start to move, Shi De grabs Shu Yi by his wrist as they cross the road. Shu Yi looks down, quite surprised, at their hands. He can’t remember the last time someone held his hand while crossing the road. He was surprised, but what's more surprising is the disappointment he feels when he drops his hand when they are at the other side.
Shi De thinks about it, not really answering his question yet. He takes a glance at him again. A black sweatshirt and blue jeans. He's handsome. It's simple. He doesn't have to fight his thoughts. He's handsome and beautiful, and he can't deny it.
Shu Yi doesn't really mind that he still hasn't answered his question as his thoughts are already occupied by something else now.
"Whatever work you have here, when… wh—" Shi De stutters, "When will you be done with it?"
Shu Yi thinks, "I guess… um… sometime around five."
"Hm," Shi De nods. He looks ahead at the road again. They are almost there.
"I think this is it. Shu Yi looks up at the building and then back at him," he smiles. "Thank you so much."
Shi De forces a smile, busy with his racing thoughts and equally racing heart. He is not sure how to ask.
"When do you get off work?" Shu Yi asks, mustering up all the courage he had.
"It's not fixed, it depends on the work, but seven mostly."
"Hm. Okay." Shu Yi nibbles on his lower lip, wondering, looking down at the ground. Should he just ask him?
"Will you wait?"
"Hm?" It shocks Shu Yi, pleasantly so.
"I think I can try to make it by six."
Shu Yi stares at him for a fleeting moment, at the soft hopeful smile, and into his dark brown eyes. He is glad that he was the one who said it. That was the hard part and he himself didn't have to do it.
"You still haven't suggested to me a good place to eat."
"Hey," Shi De frowns, a little offended. It wasn't easy to say that. How could he dismiss the implication just like that?
Shu Yi laughs, and then he squints, if he has inconvenienced himself this much, a little more wouldn't kill him, "I didn't understand what you meant by you can make it by six."
"Really?" Shi De looks away, hands on his hips and tongue in his cheek. He shakes his head. Fine. He'll do it. A few minutes ago, he thought he was some ungrateful brat, but now when he is purposefully teasing him, it just fills his stomach with a garden full of butterflies.
"I can take you to a nice place to eat. If you can wait." Shi De gets closer to his face, "Apparently someone doesn't know how to walk around by themselves. And I am way too kind to leave him alone."
"I see. That's the only reason?"
"That's the only reason." Shi De steps back, smile widening. He glances at his watch, "Shit. I've gotta go."
"Where can I find you?"
"Just wait here." He says taking a few steps back. "I won't make you wait too long."
Shu Yi nods.
Shi De turns around, feeling all giddy.
"Hey!" Shu Yi calls. He turns to him. "I don't know your name yet."
"Gao Shi De," he shouts. "You?"
"Zhou Shu Yi."
Shi De nods, smiling.
Shu Yi watches as Shi De turns back and walks away.
***
"Wait."
Shi De stops, "Hm?"
"You didn't say if you are free tomorrow. I don't know your schedule."
"Why?"
"Practicing."
"I don't think we need any more practicing. We remember our lines pretty well."
Shu Yi gulps, embarrassed, "Yup. Cool. If you think so, I am fine with it." Shi De knows more than her. She has been an actress longer while this is Shu Yi's first acting job. If she says this, how can she fight back? Besides that, how will she explain to her that it is not exactly about practicing?
"Are you still nervous about your scenes?"
Shu Yi smiles awkwardly, yes, but that is not the only reason. "Slightly."
"You don't have anything to worry about."
"I am not so sure about that," Shu Yi looks down, biting her lip.
Shi De keeps staring. Shu Yi's jet black hair is tied in a messy bun, the locks framing her face, and that… and that sad little pout on her face. She stops tying the straps of her sandal as she is standing at the doorway. She thinks for a couple of seconds and decides to take them off. She walks back in. She can spare a half an hour before her meeting with her manager.
“Sit down. We’ll go over it again.”
"Really?" Shu Yi's eyes light up.
Shi De sits on a chair by the dining table. They start rehearsing from the beginning. The scene is supposed to be a conversation that gets pretty heated up in the middle. Shu Yi does her best, performing her parts with dedication and watching Shi De do her part in awe. Shi De gets up, frustrated, as she is supposed to be according to her character. Shu Yi keeps watching, she flinches as Shi De slams the file on the desk, her anger and frustration shown through her expressions and body language. It almost feels like in a way it is indirectly directed towards her.
“Do you feel like I am wasting your time?”
Shi De pauses, confused. This isn't in the script. She frowns, breaking out of character, asking, "What. What do you mean?"
"I keep asking you to rehearse and even when you are busy you never say no. I know you wanted to say no. You don't like it when I am like this, do you? You are just being polite."
The expression on Shi De's face softens. She didn't know that Shu Yi feels this way. Wasting my time?
"No." Shi De walks closer to her. "No, I don't like it when you're like this."
Shu Yi looks down as her lips tremble softly. Shi De pulls a chair and moves it closer to Shu Yi, facing her.
"I don't like it because," she sits down, legs brushing. She takes a breath before continuing, "I have known you for months now, and when I say you're good, I mean it. And I know you believe me, well, most of the time. But you have to believe in yourself. What about your next projects? When I am not there? Not every co-star is the same. I can't be there with you every time."
"But… " Shu Yi looks up, "Can… Can you be there when I need you?" Shu Yi can feel the blood rushing to and from her heart. She regrets asking that. But the words are already out of her mouth, she can't take them back.
Shi De doesn't say anything.
"Not as a co-star or a work friend," Shu Yi adds. “I promise I won’t be like this with other people. I… I”
Shi De wants her to stop talking. You do talk a lot.
“I like spending time with you ,” Shu Yi sighs. She can’t explain. Why is it so hard to explain? "Just tell me if you feel like I am wasting your time. I won't do it. You don't have to keep inconveniencing yourself because of me."
"I— " Shi De tries to speak.
Shu Yi stares down at her cherry tainted lips as they part and meet again, stuttering, at her furrowed eyebrows peeking through the brown fringes that cover her forehead, at the hair locks falling over her shoulders. She is so pretty it makes her heart squirm.
“I don’t mind making time for you even when I am busy." Shi De meets her eyes. "I don't know why you would even think that. I… If you think that I am wasting my time by spending time with you, I hope you have also considered that I am doing it willingly, that maybe I want to waste my time with you. Not everything is about you and—"
"Can I kiss you?" Shu Yi interrupts.
Shi De freezes, heart leaping to her throat, "What?" she asks calmly.
"Can I kiss you?"
Shi De stares at her for a couple of seconds, instead of answering she leans in closer cupping Shu Yi's face in one hand, breathing visibly, "Yes please," she whispers.
Without wasting another second, Shu Yi presses her lips against hers. She moves closer, shifting in her chair. She puts a hand at Shi De's neck. Shi De grabs her face in both of her hands and she wants to just melt into them. She has been holding herself back for so long now, and for what? Her lip gloss tastes like cherries and her mouth is even sweeter.
Shi De breaks the kiss, faces still pressed together, heaving, "I have to go. I… " she takes in a breath, "I have … a meeting. It's important," she says and starts kissing her again.
Shu Yi smiles. She moves her head away, breaking the kiss.
Shi De leans with her, but stops, disappointed as she gets a little too far.
"You should go."
Shi De nods, flustered. She stares at Shu Yi's face, her hair now even messier and her lips pinker than before, cheeks flushed. Fuck. She doesn't want to leave. She gets up. Shu Yi follows.
"I'll… I'll go." She glances at the door.
Shu Yi takes a step forward, wrapping her arms around her, she gives her a tight hug. "I can't wait to see you again."
***
Shi De tries breaking out of his embrace. "Fuck you."
"You asked for this."
"I did not?!"
Shu Yi squeezes him, gritting his teeth. "We have to wake up at five in the morning, do you remember that? It's past midnight and you just can't stop complaining? Do I look like a fucking blanket to you? Oh, it's so cold. Oh there's too many mosquitoes. Oh it's so icky and humid. What do I look like to you?" Shu Yi puts his chin over Shi De's shoulder. "Sleep like this."
"You are insane. Do you realize how ridiculous you sound? Get off me!"
"No."
"I wasn't complaining to you."
"Do you see anyone else inside this tent?"
Shi De clenches his jaw. "Zhou Shu Yi."
"I know my name. Shut up."
"What?" Shi De frowns in disbelief.
"You are so annoying."
"Me? Just look at yourself! What kind of solution is this?
"I don't know! You tell me. You are the one who's been complaining for the past hour as if I have any solution to that." He tightens his grip around Shi de, "I hope you are not cold now ."
Shi De gulps. Out of all people, he had to end up with this menace? It's hopeless arguing with him. He sighs. "We are not even in the same courses. How the hell did I end up with you?"
"Oh my god. You just won't stop complaining or just stop talking, huh? How will I know that? Do I look like I am having fun with you?"
"..." Shi De frowns, "You really have some serious issues."
Shu Yi doesn’t say anything. His arms kind of hurt holding him this tightly from behind.
“Fine,” Shi De grabs Shu Yi’s hand tightly holding onto each other in front of him. “You want to stay like this?” He is amused at how tightly he is holding him, it is like a toddler’s grip. “Make it easy for both of us?” Shi De says, softer this time.
Shu Yi doesn’t understand but he does loosen his grip slightly.
“I will not try to fight or whatever. You want to sleep like this? Go on. I don’t mind it. Let me just—” He tries turning between his arms.
Shu Yi, completely taken aback, is unable to act. Shi De turns to face him. Shu Yi widens his eyes, he moves his head back a little and gulps. Now realizing that maybe he was the one acting like a fool.
"You can hold me back again. I won't complain this time. Actually, it is warmer now." Shi De shifts a little closer to him, his head on Shu Yi's arm. This wasn't a lie. It is warmer now. And surprisingly nicer.
Shu Yi stares into his eyes so close to him. He furrows his brows. He is not angry or irritated anymore but intensely confused. He looks away and slowly turns to sleep on his back, staring up at the blue tent. Shi De is still lying with his head on his arm.
"What's wrong?" Shi De asks, staring at the feeble outline of his face in the dark. All day during the camp, Shu Yi was busy with his own friends, and Shi De with his, but he did catch his eyes every once in a while. He has seen him in college before, not frequently, but he can recall his face.
"Nothing," Shu Yi slowly pulls his arm from under Shi De's head. He moves further away.
Shi De gulps, disappointed at the action. He turns to lie on his back too. A part of him wishing to start complaining again, I am still cold, so he might hold him again.
Shu Yi takes a quick glance at him. How could he have been such an idiot? What was he even doing? He doesn't know why his heart is beating like that. It's almost as if he is scared. He doesn't like this feeling. He shuts his eyes.
“Do you play the piano?”
Shu Yi looks at him, shocked, “Yes. Why?”
“I think I’ve seen you before,” Shi De recalls passing by the music room and leaning through the window upon hearing the music being played.
Shu Yi glances away again. He has seen him before too. He was playing basketball with his team. Shu Yi stayed back and watched the whole game.
“Go to sleep.”
“Okay…”
“And don’t say anything. Please.” Shu Yi says softly, almost a request. He kind of wishes that he won’t stop talking and that is the problem. Why would he like to talk with him? It’s better if he shuts up.
Shi De doesn’t speak anything anymore.
***
Shi De turns to take a glance at him once again. He seems quiet yet curious. This is the one place he could be as loud as he wants, but maybe he needs some time. Everyone needs time. Shi De can almost feel what he must be feeling right now. The feeling of new found freedom and the sense of belongingness accompanied by the fear and vulnerability of being seen.
He is walking on the sidewalks, not really participating. He smiles softly to himself every once in a while watching everyone. Shi De takes off his sunglasses and hangs it on the neck of his shirt. He pats the shoulder of his friend beside him, the music is too loud so he gets closer as he speaks, "I'll be back in a minute."
Shi De walks to him. He gets to his side casually.
"Hey, would you like to join us?"
Shu Yi turns to look at the man walking beside him. Before he could’ve answered him, or let his confusion show, his eyes got stuck on his face, his eyes, captivated. The thin orange eyeliner, the complimentary eyeshadow blending with the color of his skin, the glitter splashed just below his temple, leaking into his cheeks. The tiniest hearts, blue, and stars, pink, like confetti in a river of liquid gold. He looks the prettiest golden ethereal being under the sunlight. Shu Yi doesn't answer. He looks ahead and keeps walking.
Shi De frowns. Maybe he didn't hear him. He decides to try again, "Would you like to join us?"
Shu Yi, without looking at him, points a finger at the crowd. "I'm here for my friend."
“So?”
Shu Yi frowns, “What?”
“Anyone can join. Come on, you’ll be having fun. Everyone is.”
Shu Yi takes a glance at the crowd, he can feel his heart racing with anxiety and what feels like a tinge of excitement. “Thanks, but I am good," he forces a polite smile.
Shi De sighs, “I promise you everyone is welcome. It’s a safe space.”
“I… I get it, but I am not sure,” Shu Yi gulps, looking at the ground.
“Hm. I understand.” Shi De smiles. “I won’t force you to do anything, but just join in. Maybe get a drink? You are a little too far to be there for your friend.”
Shu Yi’s breath trembles. He stops walking and turns to him, “I am nervous.”
“Why?” Shi De asks, softly, noticing that fear on his face that he himself is not so unfamiliar with.
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“You are not going to be judged here for anything. Just be yourself," Shi De says. "Or maybe not.” He shrugs. “Just be whoever you feel like."
Shu Yi shuts his eyes. In a way, it's making him cry, but not in a sad way, in some angry and scared kind of way. He is not going to cry. He takes a deep breath, nodding.
"Fine. I'll get that drink.".
"Awesome.” Shi De returns a comforting smile. “Let's go."
Shu Yi follows Shi De into the crowd. The music gets louder the further they get in. Shu Yi can't help but stare around, the colors, the music and laughter, the handmade sign boards, the pain of it all, the shared experiences, and smiles still as kind and contagious as they could get. They stop at the beverage stall.
“What would you like to get?”
“Um… A mojito.”
“Two mojitos,” Shi De orders, turning to Shu Yi again.
"I like your… um…” Shu Yi points to his face, “ make up."
"You do?" Shi De asks, eyes bigger, pleasantly amused at the compliment. "I wasn't sure about it, I haven't tried it before, but my friend was literally begging me let her do it so I thought that there's no harm in trying,” Shi De laughs, embarrassed, “I have been wearing sunglasses for the whole time.”
"You don't have to. You look really nice."
"Th… Thanks." Shi De glances at the drinks counter, flustered. He grabs their drinks and hands one to Shu Yi. “Would you like something?”
“Hm?” Shu Yi doesn’t understand.
“I mean…” Shi De stares down at his plain white t-shirt and jeans, frowning, “Follow me.”
Shu Yi does, watching him smile to almost everyone he passes by. He is just so full of life and energy. Shu Yi can’t help but smile looking at him. The drink is refreshing and this place? well, he can’t explain, it’s filling him with life he never knew he had. Shi De stops in front of a crowded stall. Shu Yi stops behind him, leaning closer he asks, “What’s here?”
“Do you want some makeup?”
“Uh… no. I mean— I don’t think so.”
“You look kind of plain,”
“You are not wearing anything too special yourself,” Shu Yi retorts, offended, looking down at his almost see through lace white shirt and denim shorts that reach just above his knees. A few splashes of the pride flag here and there. A rainbow wristband, a pin on his collar, another at the hem of his shorts.
“Ooh,” Shi De laughs, “This is a very nice and fashionable shirt, not that a basic white tee dude like you would understand,” he teases.
Shu Yi gasps, pretending to be offended and then breaks into a laugh.
“Anyway, You can try something. It will look good on you. You’re already so beautiful. If not makeup then maybe… ” he furrows his brows, thinking.
Shu Yi gets quiet. Did he just so casually call him beautiful?
Shi De walks through the crowd, “Hey, Liz, get me a chair.”
“I am busy, can’t you see? And there are no empty chairs.”
Shu Yi tip toes to look over Shi De’s shoulder. The place is kind of a mess. He's talking to a girl with electric blue extensions in her hair. She has a palette of colors in one hand and a brush in the other. There are other people too, helping each other out.
“Come on!” Shi De whines.
"What do you want?" she says, a little annoyed this time.
"Meet my friend—" he moves aside, pointing to Shu Yi with his palm, realizing he doesn't know his name yet.
"Zhou Shu Yi," Shu Yi bows, politely introducing himself.
Shi De suppresses his smile. He glances at his friend who seems pretty amused too.
"Hello," she glances at Shi De, "Nice to meet you. You can call me Liz."
Shu Yi softly raises his eyebrows staring at Shi De.
"You are not going to help me?" Shi De asks her, a hand on his waist.
"I cannot? Help yourself."
"Fine." Shi De sighs. "Shu Yi, you'll have to stand. Someone forgot how friendships work as soon as their work was done."
"Stop being dramatic!" Liz retorts.
Shu Yi frowns, "for what? I don't —"
"You don't want to or you are not sure about it?"
Shu Yi looks down. Now that he is here, he doesn't want to go back home only to live with the regret of not doing something he wanted to when he had the chance. He would rather regret after doing it than regret not doing it.
"Okay. Nothing too much."
"Like your outfit?"
Shu Yi rolls his eyes, "You need to come up with a new insult if you want to be interesting."
"Ouch." Shi De laughs. "That hurt."
Shu Yi walks to the table, places his and Shi De's drinks on it, and turns around to face Shi De.
"Lean back a little."
Shu Yi leans back on the table. Shi De finds his tools from between the mess. He shares the color pallet with Liz. He paints a little stroke over Shu Yi's cheekbone.
"What do you plan on doing?" Shu Yi asks, intrigued.
"Shh," Shi De shushes him. "Don't speak, you'll ruin it." He smiles. "I am not very good at it."
Shu Yi keeps staring at his face. That's the only thing he could look at right now without moving. He still can't believe how beautiful his eyes are. He can feel the chill of the cold paint on his cheek with each stroke, but it dries up pretty quickly. Shi De's face is pinched in concentration. Shi De gets to his other cheek now.
Shi De gulps. This wasn't part of the plan; this unsettling feeling in his chest. His hand trembles softly. He takes in a breath from his nose. Is he going to stare at him like this all the while? Shi De pauses in between. A few loose strands of Shu Yi’s hair are sticking to the paint. He collects them with his fingers and softly pushes them back with the rest of his hair, tucking it behind his ear. He makes sure to not look into his eyes. He gets back to the paint.
Shu Yi finally breathes when Shi De takes a step back.
"Done?"
Shi De nods, unable to speak anything. He's just so sweet and… gorgeous. Shu Yi looks around for a mirror or anything. Shi De quickly takes out his mobile phone and gets by Shu Yi's side.
"Here." He hands him his phone with the front camera on and stands behind him
Shu Yi looks up. He has written the word "LOVE" over each of his cheekbones, each stroke painted with a different color of rainbow. The words bracketed between two tiny hearts. It makes Shu Yi so happy. It's not much, but it fills him with joy he has never felt before. It's perfect. It's perfect!
"Thank you so much," he says, earnestly.
Shi De puts his arms over Shu Yi's shoulder, reaching for his phone. "Wait," he whispers close to his ear. He puts a hand over Shu Yi's hand holding the phone.
"Smile."
Shu Yi turns his head to look at him. "Hm?"
Shi De takes a photograph of them. "It's nice but you need to look into the camera.”
Shu Yi does. Shi De clicks another photograph. "Perfect."
After he is done, Shu Yi turns to him. "Thank you."
"Please don't," Shi De stops him.
Shu Yi returns him a smile. "Hey, thank you, Liz!" Shu Yi calls her.
She turns to him, "Omg, you look awesome, so handsome and beautiful. Shi De did that? You're lucky!"
Shu Yi smiles looking at Shi De. He seems slightly embarrassed and shy? Him?
"You want to go and meet your friend now?" Shi De asks.
Shu Yi hadn't thought about it.
"I think you should. They would be very happy to see you."
"You are right, I guess." Shu Yi really wants to go and show everyone how nice he looks and tell them how good he feels. But he also doesn't want to leave him. "You are…?" He wouldn’t make the mistake of leaving without knowing his name.
"Gao Shi De. Have fun, Shu Yi."
Shu Yi nods. He takes a few steps backwards, "That's a nice shirt, by the way."
Shi De grins, "Are you expecting me to say, "that's a nice t-shirt" back to you?"
"Next time, find a better insult."
"I will."
Shu Yi turns around. Shi De watches him walk away, slowly at first, but after a few steps he is running excitedly. Shi De laughs to himself. He couldn't be happier right now.
***
Shi De puts her phone down, smiling.
Shu Yi has been watching her sitting alone in the corner seat, dark brown wavy hair that reaches her midriff. Looking at her from behind the counter, she hesitates, wondering if she should remind her that she needs to order something. It has been fifteen minutes already. Shu Yi glances in the direction of the manager. It is not a very busy day, but well… she can’t just not do anything.
“Excuse me, maam. What can I get you?”
Shi De turns to the voice. She has seen her. A multiple times actually, the few times she has stopped by this place, or through the window everytime she was passing by. The dark jet black hair brushing slightly over her shoulders and that perfectly placed mole by her eyes. She smiles shyly holding a notepad and a pen.
“Hmm?”
“Your order, ma'am?” Shu Yi asks, staring into those equally pretty dark brown eyes. She has never been close enough to realize they were this bright and beautiful.
“Oh,” Shi De looks down at the menu in front of her, “Yeah… right,” she fumbles with the laminated sheets in her hand. The charms in her golden bracelet clinkle. "Don't call me ma'am, please."
Shu Yi nods softly after a couple of frozen seconds. "What should I call you then?"
"Shi De."
"Shi De?"
"Mhm." Shi De smiles.
“So? Shi De, what are you going to have today?” She asks with a smile, and tucks her hair behind her hair. A silver ring in her ear lobe, and another smaller one in her helix.
“Coffee.”
“Just coffee?”
“Yeah, just coffee’s fine,” Shi De laughs softly.
"Okay." Shu Yi returns a bright smile, "I'll be back in five minutes.”
"Actually, wait."
Shu Yi turns to her, raising eyebrows.
"Make it two cups."
"Two?"
Shi De looks around the café. It's empty except for two customers who have already been served. Of course. No one is going to come to this shop on the corner of the street on a busy Monday morning.
"Yes. Would you mind having coffee with me?"
"Me?"
Shi De glances at the name tag on her apron.
"Yes, Shu Yi, you. I… I don't have anyone else to talk to right now."
"Umm…” Shu Yi nibbles on her lip, glances at the manager. She could ask her co-worker to take her place for a while, it's not busy anyway.
Shi De shakes her head, "Don't mind me. I understand if you are busy or if you don't want to. My bad that I asked. You're working—"
"Two cups it is," Shu Yi interrupts. She turns and walks away.
Shi De smiles to herself. It's a nice day today, it could easily be one of the best ones.
Shu Yi glances at Shi De from behind the counter. She seems happy. She is in her business suit. A beige pantsuit with a white shirt. What is she doing here on a Monday morning?
Shi De smiles again as Shu Yi approaches with the cups. She puts them down on the table. She takes off her apron and sits across from her.
“What brings you here on a Monday morning?”
“I am happy.” Shi De glances at the coffee and then looks back at her, “I wanted to see you.”
“But…” Shu Yi frowns, confused, flustered. “You don’t even know me.”
“I know that. But I really couldn’t think of anyone else to spend this morning with.”
Shu Yi doesn’t know how to respond to that or what to think of it. She is hoping that the blush on her cheeks aren’t vividly visible. “And what makes you so happy today?”
“I don't know if it sounds weird, but… My mom lives in America with my step-dad. She gave birth to my little brother today. Both of them are healthy. I don't know. I've never really had siblings before. I think I feel happy and a little bit excited too…"
Shu Yi looks at her slightly embarrassed but genuinely happy smile as she talks about it. One of her hair locks slips from her ear and she quickly swipes it back as she keeps talking.
"That's such great news! I am so happy for you." Shu Yi puts a hand over hers on the table, giving it a squeeze she says, "You are going to be an awesome sister."
"I hope so," Shi De stares at their hands, heart beating in her throat, squirming from happiness. Can this day get any better?
They sit there drinking their coffee, sharing smiles, chatting, stealing glances. Shu Yi takes a glance at the watch. She sighs. She hates it, but she has to get back to work.
"I'll have to go."
Shi De nods, "Of course, I understand."
Shu Yi gets up and picks up her apron. She hangs it around her neck and as she reaches for the ribbons that are to be tied around her waist, she stops. She does it effortlessly numerous times in a single day. She doesn't need help. She gets to Shi De's side and turns around.
"Can you help me with this?"
***
Shi De crosses the one end of the tie over the other as he tries to make the most perfect knot ever.
"You know there's a stylist who could do it way better than me," Shi De smiles trying to focus, hoping his nervousness isn't too obvious.
"I want you to do it," Shu Yi tries to be firm but his voice shakes nonetheless.
"What if it's not perfect?" Shi De's fingers quiver.
"It doesn't have to be. That's not the point. The point is you. You, Gao Shi De. That's all."
Shi De smiles. He ties the knot of his tie as best he could. He looks into his eyes.
“You sure about this?” Shi De asks softly.
“Sure?” Shu Yi squints, “You are asking me this now? Don’t tell me you are having any second thoughts.” Shu Yi shakes his head, “I will literally kill you if you back out at this moment.”
Shi De laughs, “I won’t. You know I won’t.”
Seeing him laugh brings him so much peace. Shu Yi takes a step closer to him. Shi De leans in too. They press their foreheads together.
“Are you nervous?”
“I am.”
“Me too.”
Shivering breaths. Stuttering hearts. Not hesitant, but afraid to believe. It's too good to be true.
It's too good to be true.
They shut their eyes and hold hands.
"We'll be fine," Shi De whispers and gulps.
"Mm. We'll be fine," Shu Yi repeats.
But it is true.
This is reality. This is happening.
"I still can't believe this is happening."
"I never imagined it even in my wildest dreams. Out of all people, you? Gao Shi De?"
"Well… you'd have if you weren't so busy plotting against me.” Shi De sighs. “At least you were thinking about me."
Shu Yi laughs. "It's so strange how everything turned out."
"Zhou Shu Yi." Shi De pauses. "You are a little too late to be complaining about it now."
"Shit. Am I though? Am I? "
Shi De punches him softly near his belly, "Yes, you are. I am holding your hand and dragging you out there no matter what."
Shu Yi laughs, but the very next moment his eyes well up as his heart feels so full.
“What if that day, when we were kids, I hadn’t met you or consoled you?” Shu Yi pauses, his breath hitching, “Would you still have loved me? No. Not love. Would you have even liked me? I don’t know… How did every little thing lead to this? Or how even the smallest event in our lives adds up? We never pay attention. What if I hadn’t found you that day?”
“I think…” Shi De sniffles, “I think you would have found me anyway. I think I would have loved you anyway.” Shi De caresses the back of Shu Yi’s hands with his thumbs. They both keep looking down at their hands, foreheads pressed together. Teardrops falling.
I think…
It sounds wrong, because I believe it, because I know it.
“I know that we would have found each other one way or another, and I know that I would have loved you just the same.” Shi De smiles as he adds, “And you me.”
“And I you.”
“Stop making me cry,” Shi De says almost voicelessly, choking on tears.
“You are the one who’s doing it,”
Shi De takes in a deep breath, trying to compose himself, but breaks into a sob instead as he exhales.
"Hey, hey, hey," Shu Yi says in quick whispers, "It's alright. It's alright," his own tears streaming down his face. Shi De hides his face in the crook of Shu Yi's neck.
Shu Yi wraps his arms around him. "Come on, you're ruining my tuxedo."
Shi De laughs through tears, "Shut up… " Shi De holds him back even tighter.
Shu Yi shuts his eyes.
"I am going to blame it on you for all of our lives."
"Blame what?" Shi De asks softly, amused, fondness spilling out of his heart. He lives for all these little complaints he has. Now, he will have a whole life to nag and complain. What have I done now?
"If we look bad or puffy eyed in our wedding photographs."
Shi De laughs. He can't help it. He stands straight, breaking the embrace. He cups Shu Yi's face.
"You never look bad." He wipes his cheeks. "And when we are together, there is nothing that looks better than us." Shi De takes a step back, looking at Shu Yi. He takes a deep breath. He won't cry again. Not again. He fixes the few strands of loose hair falling over Shu Yi's forehead.
Shu Yi keeps smiling all the while as Shi De does his little adjustments. Shu Yi fixes his hair too. He picks up a tissue wiping Shi De's face. He snivels. Their noses still a shade of crimson.
"We look like we have a cold," Shu Yi says, his voice a little hoarser than before. He clears his throat and giggles.
Could he love him any more?
Shi De stands by his side as looks up at the mirror in front of them. A surge of pride and joy, the vastness of which he would never be able to express, takes over him.
Shu Yi notices the smile or rather smirk on Shi De's lips. He smiles too, asking, "What?"
"We look good."
"We do. We do," Shu Yi says, a little shy. He turns his head and places a kiss over Shi De's shoulder.
"Are you shy?" Shi De asks.
Shu Yi, his forehead still pressed on his shoulder, whispers, "No."
"Then look at me."
"No."
"Zhou Shu Yi." Shi De waits.
Shu Yi kisses his shoulder again and then stands straight. He looks at him in the mirror.
"I love you," he mouths, voiceless.
"I love you too," Shi De repeats.
They stare at the reflection, heart so full that it might burst. This is it. Whatever comes their way, they will face it together. It's everything. Everything.
"You ready?" Shi De asks, nudging in the direction of the door with his head.
Shu Yi nods.
Shi De tightly clasps Shu Yi's hand.