Archive of Our Own

It’s simple.

Jaehyun is always just a touch less from the finish line. “Oh,” he says, and the words I understand echo in his head but he can’t bring himself to say them out loud. Johnny doesn’t seem to care either way, checking his phone before he’s leaving covering the bill for food they barely ate.

That was his fiancé, by the way.

And he came by to tell him the typical, in these situations. I’m in love with someone else. Of course, he is. Most people are, by their age. I don’t want you to expect anything at all. Of course, he does not. And Jaehyun should not want to, either. It’s a business deal, nothing more and nothing else.

Yet, it’s still there.

The sting of pain.

I won’t expect anything of you either, Jaehyun-ssi.

*

The man in question is Kim Doyoung, and the only reason he finds out is Donghyuck and his squad are nosy as fuck and Jisung is rich. Chenle is too but he’s more open about it, while the kid is quiet and doesn’t speak up until there’s a need for his dad’s tech company to be put to use. Everyone is unhinged, and he tells him that much.

“Hyung you’re not even going to remember me after you get married, for real,” he noisily drinks his hot chocolate because he hates Jaehyun. “And like stop waiting tables. You’re literally inheriting a company after this.”

“No,” he says simply, and collects the dishes to put in the sink, “it’s mine, but I don’t want to head it. Hyung can do the honours.”He could care less, really. The reason why he, Jung Jaehyun, aged twenty seven and only son of Valentine Corporation’s CEO and owner is engaging in such petty tasks is well.

Donghyuck’s mom had been kind, when he was growing up. Living a block away from their upper class neighbourhood, she owned a restaurant passed down by generations, though nothing overtly fancy. It’s only for a week, with the other kids on break. Donghyuck huffs and puffs as he finishes the last of today’s orders, banging on the counter for Jeno to come in and serve them at the front.

Jaehyun is also in need of some normalcy from time to time, where he’s not constantly viewed as an asset or a piece to be played in a game. They make him feel human, for however little before he heads back.

“He’s like super smart, by the way,” Donghyuck sits on the cleaned islands, exhausted, taking out a cigarette. Jaehyun frowns but doesn’t say anything. His place, his rules. “Some type of academic award he’s gotten. He’s a professor in Chicago.”

Chicago. Makes a lot of sense, why Johnny wants to shift there. There’s a branch of his company too of course but…

“Whatever,” Jaehyun wipes his hands, and removes his apron to hang. He heads out, Donghyuck staring up at the ceiling a little lost in his head as he puffs out another cloud of smoke.

He turns around, and leaves. There is only so much, even Jaehyun can take.

It is not whatever.

He wants it to be. He wishes it could be. Why can Jaehyun never be like all of them? So unbothered by it all? Because he cares at the wedding, repulsed by so much grandeur and well wishes when all of it is nothing short a façade. Because he cares when there’s a toast in their name and the smile barely leaves Johnny’s lips to ever really reach his eyes.

Because he cares when Donghyuck comes up to him later, looking dashing in his suit with his hair slicked back, and hands him his gift, an expression of understanding instead of pity. “You’ll get through it,” he says, giving him a much needed hug. One Jaehyun may cling to more than he should, longer than necessary. “Don’t actually forget me, hyung.”

“As if you’d let me.”

That earns him a happy smile, one that he aches to see go as the guests trickle out. They’re supposed to be rooming at Johnny’s apartment before they leave, but the whole idea of what it could all be is so nauseating he has to lock himself in the bathroom for a good few minutes to breathe.

No expecting. So that’s what he tries. Sitting next to him in the backseat of the car, utterly quiet as their driver keeps his eyes locked on the road. The silence starts getting him antsy, and he wants to at least make the air less awkward before they head home—

“So umm—“

“I’m a little tired, Jaehyun,” Johnny says, though not unkindly. He does look very tired. “I want to sleep a bit.” Jaehyun hums. Curls his hands over his thighs and presses his head against the window.

Little did he know, that’s how much of their marriage is going to be summed up in.

Johnny isn’t much of a talker.

Not to him, at least. Rumours say otherwise. Jaehyun doesn’t know what side of him is real, and what is just the way he is. Maybe they’re both parts of him. He wouldn’t know.

Currently, the other’s sitting next to him on the plane, browsing through a magazine. Objectively, Johnny is a very attractive man. Sharp and strong features, plush lips, and hair that falls gently over his forehead. Jaehyun wonders if things were different, would Johnny find him the same too? Jaehyun thinks he’s good looking; sometimes he thinks that’s all he is, really. Maybe he’d bore of him.

“Is there something you want to say?”

Jaehyun’s cheeks burn at being caught. “No uh—sorry. Sorry I just. I was.” He shuts up before he fucks up any further, incredibly anxious as he starts fiddling with the edge of his own airline magazine. It’s not like he can just disappear somewhere either.

A second. Then a sigh. Johnny closes his magazine. “Jaehyun I’m not going to eat you, you know.”

He nods. Of course. But for some reason his cheeks colour even more. “I came off as really rude, back then, I’m realizing. I would be open to being friends, if you’re good with that.” Friends. Yes, it’s better than strangers.

“Me too,” he admits. Johnny smiles, and it changes his face. But this one is more genuine, not perfectly controlled, revealing whiskers against his cheeks.

It’s cute. “So what movies do you like?”

Oh. “Romance, mainly,” Johnny hums. He clearly does not like the same, “but umm. I’m good with anything really.”

“That’s nice, I think I prefer some action and comedy more, but romance is always an added bonus.” The conversation somehow manages to last longer than he expects. From movies, they move over to what majors they did in college, and then Johnny asks what he actually wanted to do.

“Music composition,” he answers, and that earns him a look of surprise. Really, half the things Jaehyun’s even bringing to Chicago are less what he can actually wear, and more his Vinyl collection. “I’ve always loved music.”

“Me too,” but it’s a different type of love for him. Nonetheless, they manage to talk about songs too, over airplane food, and put on a movie on each of their seats, one earphone in as suggested by Johnny. It’s like buddy watching or something; something he does with friends everytime they fly or can’t be together. The hours pass, and he falls asleep and somehow.

Somehow, a seed of hope grows, where it shouldn’t.

Chicago is new.

Jaehyun’s never really been. He’d studied in Connecticut a while, went to LA and New York a few times, and that’s about it. Johnny points out a few of the landmarks, and there’s a tiny temptation, to maybe ask to be shown around some day.

Of course, he doesn’t work up the courage to. They’re staying in a hotel while the rest of their things are sent to the house, and Jaehyun’s back from the shower, only to find Johnny in a heated call.

“—anything about it.” Johnny sighs, carding his hair back, “Doyoung you know how this shit works. No I don’t—Okay you know what? Keep being difficult. Because I’m here having the time of my life, aren’t I?” Jaehyun knows they’re not directed to him, but the situation, and yet he flinches. Yet he steps back, to let him finish before interrupting. It’s a long moment, until he speaks again. “Of course,” he says, soft, “I love you, above all.”

It’s nothing. But it’s a stab to the other. It doesn’t matter. But Jaehyun feels the same nausea again. It’s not like he’s in love with Johnny or anything. And it’s too soon to expect the other to feel much for him either. To stop feeling for him either.

It’s a long moment after Johnny’s hung up, does he walk in, silently changing into his night clothes. Expectedly, Johnny’s not in much of a mood to talk, combined with the jetlag, and they both sleep it off on separate beds till late in the afternoon the next day.

Whatever Doyoung must have said, really got to him it seems.

“So the cars—‘

“There’s one for you and one of mine,” Johnny answers, even before he can finish the question. Jaehyun nods. He’s very on edge. “You don’t have to worry about the bills and all; they’re paid directly from my account anyway.” Okay. There’s so much else to discuss though. Food preferences, whether they’ll have any housekeepers he needs to know about (Jaehyun hopes they don’t. He really does.) But Johnny’s not taken a leave, and he’s heading to work from today.

Everything’s furnished of course, because this house has been his for a while. It’s just all their boxes piled high in the doorway. “Do you need help?”

Does he? “Aren’t you running late?”

Johnny blinks. “Yeah actually,” he’s so tensed. “Quick tour, this is the hallway, that’s the kitchen, there’s a pantry there, and the living room is attached to the drawing room for guests. Upstairs to the left is the storage, and then on the right there’s a bedroom.” The he gestures down the hallway, “and that one’s mine—or ours, I guess.”

“Oh I—“

“You can go upstairs if you want,” Johnny says dismissively, “we’ll have people over a lot in the beginning so it’s best if you stay here though. I don’t know—your choice.” Jaehyun nods. It doesn’t matter. He’s not looking either way. He feels out of place, even though this is supposed to be his home too. Johnny makes place in his closet by unceremoniously shoving everything in one corner, and despite it all he’s tempted to laugh a bit, holding out last second.

He swallows, unpacking his bag, quietly filling in his side of the closet.

It’s very new. All of this. And sudden. Thank goodness he knows English. It’s just some slang he needs to catch up on, and he’ll be fine. Right? He can get a job here too. Johnny said he’ll offer him one at his place but Jaehyun has some pride. He’s already send in a few applications.

It’s okay if he doesn’t know anyone here. He will get to.

He’ll be fine.

“I’ll take my leave then,” Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, because there is nothing to, and there will be no use of. Johnny’s heading out, and soon the house is so incredibly quiet, with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company.

It is not fine.

It is hectic, actually. The workplace is a little different than he’s used to, but he manages. There’s his masters still, that he’d opted for an online university, and once he’s back at the house, he spends a couple hours reviewing the recorded lectures before getting started on dinner. Johnny comes around nine, always. Both of them quiet as they eat. Jaehyun doesn’t dare say anything, but Johnny speaks when he wants to, something about his day or what not before he’s pulled to his phone.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to.

He’s just. Boring. He’s tried a few times, only to find the other easily losing interest. The problem with Jaehyun is it takes him a bit to open up, to divulge more and enough. It’s better to just swallow it all down. He bets Doyoung was entertaining—someone that smart probably would be. Johnny has the slightest laugh lines alone his eyes, so he must have made him laugh too.

Is Jaehyun in love with Doyoung? It's pathetic how much he's thinking of him. 

“Will you clean up, Jaehyun?” Johnny suddenly asks, “sorry it’s just—“

“Okay,” he doesn’t need to hear it. He’s really tired but at least this takes his mind off. Keeping himself busy. Johnny says something that gets drowned in the hallway and Jaehyun packs the leftovers in the fridge. He checks his own phone, fond to find Donghyuck’s messages, and a few from Jisung and Jeno too.

His parents of course, say nothing. There’s no one else in his life that particularly cares, so that’s enough of his social battery being used.

Winding down for the night is always terrible, at least for him. A lot of silence, Johnny on his phone mostly. Sometimes Jaehyun wishes he could ask. Johnny’s lived here a lot, hasn’t he? About the different spots. Maybe a few good for visiting. And when he does—

“You can google it,” Johnny tells him, “there’s a lot in the city actually. Maybe take a day off to?” He swallows down the disappointment. Jaehyun doesn’t ask more after that. And anyways, he doesn’t need to. He makes a friend out of a guy named Christopher–or Chan, as most call him– who’s next to him, always bright and understanding, more often than not willing to help.

“Sightseeing?” he repeats, “sure. Actually, break’s not that far anymore, so maybe we could plan a few things then?” That would be perfect, actually. He thanks him, smiling before he’s back on his computer. “Or you could go on like a date? With your husband?”

Oh . Jaehyun glues his eyes to the screen. “No he’s busy,” he says, quickly, and Chan has enough tact not to prod. Jaehyun’s smile dims, and he finishes later than usual, toeing his shoes against the asphalt of the parking lot, not wanting to go home and drive just yet.

He doesn’t want to drive at all, really.

He’s tired. It’s been a couple of weeks. Johnny’s not mean; he’s just not anything . He finishes late from work, and Jaehyun spends the day at his own job, then his assignments on off days, and then the house chores. He should be grateful, he supposes. It’s mind numbing enough he falls asleep fast and easily.

But it’s just so…

Repetitive? Bland. 

That’s on him. Jaehyun should step out and do something nice for himself. For now he just steps into the car, and then nearly groans when there’s a call from his mother.

“Hey sweetheart,” she says, voice leveled and careful as it always is. A habit of work, now a habit of life. “Everything well over there?”

“Yeah,” he says, like he always does, “you and dad are fine?”

“Oh don’t worry about us,” he picks up the slight lilt in her voice, “you and Johnny are fine, right?”

He furrows his brows. “Yes?”

“Okay. Be good to him, okay?” He clenches his jaw, “he’s important to us. This whole thing is. I just wanted to check in with you, in case he says something to his parents and they’re coming to me about it.”

“Okay, mom,” he says. He doesn’t want to talk anymore. He’s important to us. And Jaehyun is not. He never is, not even to his own parents. “I’m on the road right now.” That gets her to hang up pretty fast. He stays silent, feeling his heart clench, again and again.

Be good to Johnny. What more should he do? Kiss the ground he walks on? Pamper him like a prince? Bring him his slippers in the morning and breakfast in bed? He doesn’t even realize how hard he’s gripping the steering wheel until his phone pings, a message from the groupchat. Shit. He hurries out the car and back into the house, barely able to shower before he’s sitting down with his notes and laptop.

The lecture draws out for an hour and more, Jaehyun ready with a list of questions just like the many other students. His back hurts, so do his shoulders, and his hands are threatening to give up with how much he’d done at the office, and how much he’s putting them through now. Belatedly, ten minutes after class is over, he realizes he’s not gotten started on dinner.

Be good to him. That’s the least he can do anyway. Jaehyun tries hurrying up, settling on a broth instead and getting some carrots and onions to start slicing when the front door opens, freezing him.

He’s back? Already? He can hear him draw closer, and when he turns, Johnny’s peeking into the kitchen, inquisitive.

“Dinner’s not done?” It’s a genuine question. But for some reason it makes him nervous. In case he says something to his parents. Jaehyun is a grown adult man, and yet the simplest words crumble him into nothing.

“No I—“ he puts the knife down, “sorry, it won’t take long.” He turns, picking it up to chop it as fast as he can. The sound of his footsteps though, instead of getting further, draw closer, and soon he’s being pulled back from the counter. Johnny’s frowning at him, and then embarrassingly, presses the back of his hand against his cheek, his forehead.

Jaehyun flinches away like he’s been burnt, and instantly there’s distance between both, a flush now climbing up his neck. Cold. His hands are still cold from the air conditioning in the car. “I’m not sick. I just had a busy day.”

“That’s not why—you look really exhausted, Jaehyun.” Johnny’s brows furrow. “You know what? Put this all away. Wanna’ eat out tonight?”

Eat out? A dinner? With only the two of them? Johnny leaves, heading upstairs, and he’s still left to staring at the spot he was standing in. A few blinks later to make sure he isn’t hallucinating, Jaehyun keeps everything back in place, heading to their room to change.

“What do I wear?” he shouts. Like a pair of jeans and t-shirt would be fine, right? He’ll couple it with a cardigan or something. He rummages for something that doesn’t scream he owns the same damn pair of t-shirts since forever, and—

“What is that?” Johnny asks, bringing in the steam of the shower with him. His skin is flushed rosy; patches of it all over his chest and neck. Jaehyun’s eyes fall on his tattoos; a leopard between leaves on his arm, a branch teasing his collarbone. Johnny steps closer, uncaring, leaning against him as he searches his side, Jaehyun curling away so the drops slithering down his skin don’t land on him.

“Do you not have a suit?”

“A suit?” He echoes, “what—where are we going ?”

“You’ll see,” he says, and turns his head, much closer than he should be. His eyes search his face, before reaching forward to brush his hair back. Jaehyun’s heart jumps in his throat. “Slick it back, okay?”

He nods dumbly. Johnny takes his own out to change in the bathroom, and Jaehyun ignores the burn on his ears, pulling out his own to get changed into. He has three; one for events, one for office matters, and one for family matters. No one needs more than that, anyway.

Johnny, unsurprisingly, resembles Adonis when he’s done and ready, stepping out with the thick scent of his cologne. Jaehyun honestly can’t wrap his mind around the fact he’s dressing up this much to go with him, but hey, at least he doesn’t have to make dinner. They leave in his car, Jaehyun’s hands folded in his lap, watching the view roll by outside the window.

“You can put something on, if you want,” Johnny says. Jaehyun startles a bit, before biting his lip. What should he? He doesn’t care, if he’s honest. “You like Cigarettes after Sex right? I think I have a CD…”

“You remember?” he asks, and Johnny stares like he’s the one who’s crazy.

“Yeah?” he pulls it out, handing it over to him, “I mean it’s not a name that slips your mind easily.” That has him smiling, pushing it in. And despite his nonchalance, it ends up significantly improving his mood. To the point he doesn’t even realize he’s started singing under his breath out of habit, Donghyuck always one to enjoy a good carpool karaoke back home.

“Your voice is pretty nice,” Johnny comments, and he shuts up, cheeks flaming. The other laughs, glancing over at him, “I didn’t say it so you could stop, you know.”

Well for whatever reason he did, Jaehyun stops anyway. They arrive at a high end restaurant, one where they offer to take their jackets and even pull out their chairs for them. It’s a little strange, after so many dreaded weeks of being inside and forced into the same routine.

They go over the menu, ordering before Johnny calls over the waiter. “You’re good with wine?”

“I’d like whiskey better,” he admits. Johnny nods, ordering some for both. It’ll help him loosen his nerves, at least. Because sitting here, in the light of the candles and with the view of Chicago beside them, it feels awfully too much like something it shouldn’t. Johnny rests his face on his hand, looking out before switching his gaze to him, Jaehyun’s having barely left him at all.

It’s kind of flustering. His irises do that thing where they turn hazel in golden lights like these. The flames, the sun. “How’s the degree coming along?”

Oh. That has him deflating, “honestly? Not as great as I want it to.” Maybe that’s more on him. He barely finds time other than the weekends to put effort and energy into all of it. It’s exhausting. There’s no one to talk to or ask for help, not even Donghyuck’s ragtag group of friends who would force him out for a breather and Jaemin will, in his true creepiness, know enough about the topic to help kick away his slump.

“Is there a reason?”

“Not exactly,” he sighs, fiddling with the edge of a napkin, “I don’t know. I think I’m just demotivated or something. Or tired. I’ll get through it, I guess, so it’s whatever.”

That has Johnny frowning, “no, not really.” He straightens, just as their glasses are brought, appetizers not too behind. “Do you need anything from me?”

Yes, he almost says, chest constricting, maybe a word or two would be nice. But he bites his tongue. Johnny’s important to his parents, after all. Wouldn’t want to upset him. “No,” he says, softly, “nothing you can do.” It’s quiet after that. He doesn’t look up much from his plate, and instead asks Johnny about his work, his photography too, that he mentioned in passing once. It’s lighter and easier for him to fall into, and in no time they’re done with the main course.

“Ice cream?”

“Please,” Johnny smiles at that. He visibly repulses at the suggestion he would like mint chocolate. That’s more in Taeyong’s—Donghyuck’s cousin—lane. Johnny tells him it’s just a flavor but he still bristles, almost akin to a cat, ready to hiss if he needs to. It tastes weird to him.

“I never knew you had such strong opinions against ice cream.”

“I have strong opinions on many things,” Jaehyun shrugs, “you just need to ask.”

“Then how do you feel about going on vacation?”

That has him staring. “What?”

The ice cream is here. Jaehyun takes small bites. “Mom sent over tickets—Milan, for fashion week. They’d love to have us. I was thinking you might enjoy it too. Of course, only if you want to.”

Milan. Huh. “That’d be nice, I guess.” It’s been what? A couple of months? Since they’ve been married. And they’ve barely gone anywhere. If Jaehyun’s married to such an affluent man who offers him a break, he’s not going to say no, even if Johnny will promptly erase the slate and go back to silence and dismissiveness again.

“It’s a plan, then.”

So sightseeing with Chan can come later.

“Is that really all you have?” Johnny asks, “Jaehyun do you even have clothes?”

He flushes, “I just—I just don’t really prefer shopping.” Alone. It makes him too self-conscious. Johnny just shakes his head, already done with packing himself. The flight’s in three hours, both of them loading up the car anyway. He’s searched up a lot of things to look out for there (and just in case, planned a few things if Johnny’s too busy) so he tries browsing through that, keeping his mind off when–

“Wait, is there going to be press?”

“Press?” Johnny asks, eyes on the road, “well, yeah. I don’t really attend often.” Seeing the way he tenses though, he shoots him a smile, “but I’m not a celebrity, Jaehyun. They’ll bore of me anyway. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

He nods. Johnny reaches over to pat his knee, and he pretends that touch doesn’t send him nearly jolting out his skin. He’s learning they both prefer some calm; just in general, not because of some hidden motives or what not, the silence turning a little…

Comforting?

Maybe that’s pathetic. Jaehyun doesn’t know, and he’s not going to ask anyone either. He ends up sleeping the whole flight, all the weeks of exhaustion catching up to him in one go, before they’re finally landing and Johnny’s gently shaking him awake.

“Come on,” he says. Jaehyun nods. He’s very disoriented if he’s honest, an ache behind his eyes. He tries not to make it obvious, not wanting to inconvenience the other, but god. He didn't know it would start from the airport.

“Mr Suh! Do you–”

“Mr Suh the new deal–”

“It’s your first time attending the–’

“How is married life treating you–”

There’s such a barrage of both voices and camera flashes he’s tempted to hide away and let Johnny take it all up, the headaches intensifying tenfold. Jaehyun feels someone shove against him, hard, stumbling before–

“Careful,” Johnny’s voice whispers against his ear, holding him by the elbow. He lets go only to wrap an arm around his waist, keeping him close, a smile on his lips. Jaehyun hates the way they keep crowding in on them, the space already cramped, hoping he doesn’t start panicking. By the time they’re in the car, his heart’s thundering against his chest, hands trembling a bit. He tries stilling them but–

“Sorry,” Johnny says, taking them in his. He squeezes a few times, and each time helps release some of the wound up tension in him. “I didn’t know they’d be there.” He shakes his head. He’s had his fair share of ambushes from paparazzi wanting to tear his parents down, so he gets it. Now it’s just been promoted to getting his husband torn down, as if the previous pressure wasn’t enough.

He focuses on Johnny’s hands. They’re normal; nothing special. Skin tanner than his, larger than his in general. Johnny’s hands are soft, but they’re firm, the warmth of them comforting. Jaehyun shouldn’t–he should be within boundaries–but he releases a breath, sinking against the other, head on his shoulder. “Hey,” Johnny says, a little bit later, “you still with me?”

“Yeah,” he chews the inside of his cheek, “I don’t like crowds. They–they make me anxious. Sorry.”

“If there’s anyone who should apologise here it’s me,” he says, pulling one hand out of Jaehyun’s grasp, and wrapping his arm around his shoulder, touch gentle as he smooths it over the side of his arm. “An anxiety thing?”

“Something like that,” he answers, quietly, “I’d get tailed to school, when dad was a candidate for chairman. I just stopped going out much, after that.”

Johnny hums. He also asks the driver to turn up the music, and it’s one slow song after the other, lulling him to sleep eventually. Jaehyun wakes up when they arrive at their hotel, and amongst the crowd of people fussing over them with luggage, schedules, and more his sleep addled brain can’t keep up with, Johnny’s hand stays firm in his, keeping him close.

“Oh wow,” he can’t help but let slip, staring as he steps fruther into the room. Yuta, that’s his name he thinks–Johnny’s secratary–keeps his husband’s attention drawn away, but Jaehyun pushes the curtains further, lost in view. There’s a balcony at the side too, and he immediately steps out, breathing in the air, watching the sky fade into deeper colours. There’s golden lights everywhere; the cathedral not too far, the architecture making him wish he brought his film camera along.

There’s an odd tug of emotion in his chest. 

“Jaehyun?”

Oh. “Out here.” Johnny’s footsteps aren’t too loud, stepping near and closer. He still smells like his cologne, when Jaehyun probably reeks of sweat. He glances at the other, to find him looking already. “Yeah?”

“Like it?”

The way he says it. Despite all warnings, his heart flutters. “Yeah.” Johnny grins, nothing obnoxious, but just. Nice. “It’s a really gorgeous view.”

“It’s even better from the pool,” Johnny promises. He grabs the railing, hands inches away from Jaehyun’s own. Johnny’s phone rings, and he’s answering it, but he can’t help bother, not when the ring on his finger catches the light so well.

Jaehyun had picked it. 

“I’ll have to head out,” he says, when they’re both fresh from the shower. Johnny looks frazzled, and in his hurry misses a button so now all of them are wrong and his phone is ringing again when Jaehyun points it out. Johnny swears, and Jaehyun stands up, nearing him.

“Yes, would it have hurt to tell me this before?” he snaps, voice cold. Jaehyun falters, heart beating hard, before he pushes away Johnny’s franctic hands which were honestly threatening to tear the fabric, fixing it himself. “The deal was supposed to be signed in two days. There better be a reson why he’s asking for an urgent attendance. Look–” Jaehyun drowns it out, smoothing his hands over his chest and shoulders to get out the wrinkles. 

Johnny gives him a nod of thanks, instinctively moving closer to kiss his cheek when Jaehyun steps back, shocked.

They both stare, wide eyed.

And then Johnny, honest to god, flushes. “Sorry,” he mutters, and nearly drops his phone, “habit–I mean. Call if you need anything.” He grabs his coat and thankfully leaves. 

What the hell?

Habit.

Is that supposed to make him feel better or worse?! Jaehyun’s face is still incredibly warm, the mere brush of his lips enough to have him stuttering and stumbling in his own head. 

Sleep. 

He needs sleep. 

And then half of a day of walking.

He gets too excited, okay? It's a gorgeous place filled with history and art! There's a dog who smiles and barks and let him rub her belly, a girl who trips on the stairs and then laughs when her parents rush over. In midst of things worth a thousand years old, a thousand more lives are being witnessed each passing moment.

Jaehyun's just another, none the brighter, but none the smaller either.

“Jaehyun?”

He blinks awake. He’d ended up falling asleep after the shower, in the hotel’s complimentary robe, curled on the seat outside. The breeze had been gentle enough to not keep him too hot, the constant sounds pleasing. Right now though, he’s out of depth, only realising who it is when a hand brushes back his hair, before shifting to his cheek, tilting his head up.

“Johnny?” he grabs the other’s wrist, gentle, “you–is it sorted out? Whatever it was?”

His smille is slow, but deliberate, along with something else in his eyes, “yeah. Why are you out here, huh? There’s a whole bed all for you inside.” Right. He shifts, and then realises the fabric had ridden up considerably, face pinking when he stands. Johnny shuts the balcony door behind them, throwing a glance in his direction. “Where’d you get that?”

“This?” He turns, and finds him much closer than he’d imagined. Johnny’s eyes are a pretty hazel in the lights, face sculpted in soft shadows. Sometimes it's like he's Icarus, flying to warmth and brightness and inevitable doom. Jaehyun swallows, feeling incredibly self-conscious in front of someone like him. “It was there in the bathroom.”

“It’s soft, isn’t it?” well. Johnny doesn’t hesitate to check himself; taking the collar of it between his fingers, touch grazing Jaehyun’s skin just barely. He nods, and the other’s gaze softens. “You’re still sleepy?”

“No just,” he smiles, sheepish, and it seems to brighten Johnny up, making him avert his gaze, “just did some sightseeing. Walking around all day is fun, but kind of tiring.” Not to mention how much he'd eaten . Goodness knows he just passed out the moment he sat down. 

“I bet,” he gestures towards the curved loveseat near the window, a table with two glasses and a bottle of what he assumes is wine waiting, “want to share? I got a gift.”

Who is he to say no to expensive wine? Johnny puts on a song, and it feels incredibly lovely with the view spread beside them. He tells the other to at least change, Johnny rolling his eyes, taking his time in the shower before he’s back out in a pair of navy pyjamas. Jaehyun should search for one too. 

His hair’s still wet, when he takes his seat beside him. Hands experienced as they pour in both glasses. The neck of this shirt is particularly low, and he belatedly realises it has only three buttons in the middle to keep it secure. Which means his tattoo ( one of the, at least) is clearly visible, a sight to behold truly, such a contrast against his skin.

“...more?”

He looks up, gaze locking with his. Johnny’s waiting, but his lips are pulled into somewhat of a smirk. “Jaehyun?” he asks, quiet, “do you want more, sweetheart?”

Jaehyun chokes out a chuckle, flustered. Where did that come from? But it could just be a place of sarcasm. He uses it with Yuta too. And some of his friends, on the phone. Throwing around those terms like it’s easy for him. Jaehyun ignores the thump of his heart, and shakes his head, taking it from the other’s offering hand.

It’s easy to get himself in the mood. Music, the view, and wine. A perfect combination, as he stares at it all. 

“It’s such a beautiful city,” he says. 

“It is,” Johnny sits back, already done with his glass, “you enjoy those things, don't you?”

He shrugs, “I suppose. Art, music; it’s a short life we live, but it’s the collective of all those before us that makes it worth looking forward too.” He swishes the liquid in his glass, watching the red of it swirl, “makes it feel like I–or anyone, really–could leave something behind, just a little short from meaningless.” He smiles, turning to the other, “as in–nothing too grand, you know?”

Johnny’s staring at him, with something he can’t name. He smiles back, and nods. “Yeah,” and that’s that, a gateway to talking about more, about experience and where they’d like to go to see more, to know more. And then there’s the silence too, to just absorb the lyrics of the song and the sight graced before them, and Jaehyun can’t help but feel the man before him is such a treasure chest of more, than anything he could have expected.

“You weren’t joking,” he says, after downing another glass. He looks decidedly fine. Jaehyun is too, he believes, but his cheeks are flushed anyway, because that’s how he’s wired. Only a pleasant buzz, and nothing more beneath it all. “You have a lot of strong opinions.”

“I’m a man of thought.”

Johnny laughs, “yeah well–I’m glad. That it’s you, here.” Oh. He waits for a second to see if he’s joking, but when he doesn’t correct it, Jaehyun lets out an awkward huff of laughter. 

Strangely enough, so is he.

They finally get time together, on their fourth day. It’s a whirld wind of walking around and meeting cute dogs and cats, getting street food and posing for pictures. Johnny more often than not making him–embarrassing him in the bookstore, the music shop, the cathedral and park. He’s a menace when he needs to be and Jaehyun’s positive Johnny is aware of this from how much shoving he’s been enduring. It’s not his fault that’s his default reaction to anything flustering. 

It’s a good time. Jaehyun mentions it to him when they take a break, sat on empty steps. The smile he gets is small, but genuine. Johnny is easy to be with–maybe the friend thing could work? “I should have brought my camera too.”

“You like photography?”

I liked a lot of things. “Kind of,” he scoots closer to the other when a child goes on a rampage, upsetting parents greatly. She looks about ten, and gets a scolding, both of them giggling at the scene. Tomorrow’s the fashion event, and he just hopes everything goes as well as it has been. 

“Wanna visit one last place?” Johnny asks, standing. With the wind ruffling his hair, hand outstretched and the glow of the street lamps encasing him, he looks nothing short of stunning, another ache in his chest and flutter in his stomach. Jaehyun takes it, keeping his composure as the other’s fingers slip between his own, tight and snug.

It’s a studio.

“Here?” Jaehyun’s surprised. It’s deep into an alley, not many people for as far as he can see. But Johnny drags him in, greeting in italian, Jaehyun following. They talk, and he wanders over to a line of developed photos, now framed. 

“Okay,” the man speaks up, accented, as he takes in the sight of him too. “Come.” And so they do. He’s still confused. But Johnny doesn’t let up, stepping into the room. Back curtains drawn about, and lights shining from the side. He stares up at him, and parts his lips to ask–

“Stay still.”

Flash. What? Jaehyun blinks. He doesn’t get an answer after much later, when they’re back at the front. “They don’t give it to you until you want it.”

“Like a…time capsule?”

Johnny grins, “never thought of it like that, but yeah, I guess.” His fingers graze Jaehyun’s knuckles, and he looks proud of the idea. There’s a million things Jaehyun could say to shatter it all, and shatter himself, but for once, within the walls holding memories, hopes and dreams of countless lovers and friends, family and strangers, he decides not to.

Instead, he asks, “how long do you think we could last?”

And Johnny’s eyes are a lot flitting at once, confusing him, but Jaehyun has already allowed something to grow, small and shy, unbeknownst to himself.

They settle on a year, because they’re both too impatient and also he’s pretty sure they’re going to forget otherwise. It’s a cute thing. Johnny’s cute when he wants to be. Jaehyun is just light; from this whole trip. Whatever happens when they get back, happens. He doesn’t even care anymore. 

Not even when it’s clearly a bad idea, when the next day arrives, and he wakes up to the sight of his face inches from him. 

An hour.

A whole hour before the alarm rings. He's squished into the pillow, somewhere along the night getting too hot and throwing off his shirt. Jaehyun shouldn't; but it's almost childlike impulsivity that prompts him forward, fingers dragging against the skin of his arm, tracing the ink.

Jaehyun's parents don't like tattoos, so he never tried one either. Don't they hurt? And Johnny's are so so big. And detailed. Did he come up with it? The leaves, the eyes peeking through. The branch trailing down his collarbone, Jaehyun's touch following, his skin in some parts tanner than the rest from being exposed in the sun. 

He's really so beautiful. 

"Jae?"

Jaehyun pauses, hands suspended in the air. Watching as the other blinks his eyes open. Despite the embarassment, he's a little entranced at the sight; Johnny's finally staring at him through a squinted gaze, lips tugging at the corners enough to know he's not in any kind of mood yet. 

"That's ticklish, y'know," he says, voice rough still, making his face heat. Caught . Johnny grabs his hand, for some forsaken reason still awkwardly in the space between–

And tugs him forward. "Sorry?" He tries, trying to keep a distance, head craned back to look at him, and the other hums, before buying his nose in his hair.

"Can you say that to Yuta too?" He yawns, grip loose, fingers barely holding on. Yet each point of contact sears, Jaehyun's heartbeat long out his control, "jus' like. An hour or something? M'kay?"

He laughs, despite himself. "Okay, you big baby."

*

He had not expected an appearance meant he was to dress up too, but he had. Prada had taken over the reins, a lime jumpsuit with a black collar and messy wet hair look to match.

Jaehyun liked what he'd seen in the mirror, but also felt irrevocably shy, unused to this much praise all thrown at his feet as lightly as a bunch of petals. Johnny had looked to kill–in his designer suit, matching style, and really, the amount of skin on display had him looking very much anywhere except his eyes, afraid they'd give away.

But he thinks Johnny liked it too. How he looked. He'd been quiet when he'd finally stepped into the lobby to meet him and head to the car. Had even tucked a stray strand out his eye, subtly raising his head. 

However small it had been in the midst of staff and bustle, that touch had been enough to calm him down. 

It was a much better time than he'd expected, so many gorgeous looks down the runway, Johnny leaning over to tell him a thing or two. It wraps up perfectly by the time they're back in their hotel rooms, changed out into still fancy but lighter clothes. 

Jaehyun couldn't help himself.

He'd rattled off on the entire way, even when they were back, about the designs, the models, the designers themselves. The minds that worked behind the curtains and deserved all the recognition for so much effort. 

Which is why when it dies down, he feels something else step in.

"Was it fine?" He asks, almost unable to hold himself. He wonders if his mother had tuned in to the news. Wonders if she'll call to tell him he'd been subpar compared to expectations. Wonders too much and worries too much, not noticing the furrow between the others' brows as he takes his hands, squeezing them. It helps him calm, and then the other's reaching up to adjust his collar.

"You were," Johnny assures. "You always are, you know."

"I just–"

"Have second thoughts?" Johnny smiles, stepping near. Still toying with it, absentmindedly, almost. "This looks so good on you, Jaehyun. You should wear these things more." Yeah, he'll pass on that. He's not that confident to rock them out of events. When he tells him as much, Johnny shakes his head.

"I don't believe that," his voice drops, quieter, "I mean had you seen yourself? You never spoke a word louder than anyone else in the room; and yet everyone was drawn in." To him? Is Johnny sure it's not the other way around? "You were brilliant, Jaehyun. Really."

Oh. "Thank you," he says, quietly, Johnny's hands holding the side of his arms, holding him in place. He means it, a little too much, the intensity of the attention making him blush.

But Johnny's gaze is fixated, on the sliver of skin, on the flush of his neck, climbing his cheeks.

He smells so good. It's one of Jaehyun's favourite, really. He'd use it a lot a couple months back, and now Johnny's wearing it too. He steps closer, and Jaehyun takes one back, eyes meeting the other's.

Is it the alcohol, churning more heat? Or is or the effect Johnny can have, so close, so tall, so touchy . Reaching up to unclasp the collar bound around his neck, yet all it serves to do is tighten his throat, dry his mouth. "Y-you too," he stammers out, voice barely above a whisper, an attempt at nonchalance, at trying to fill in the silence.

Johnny hums, fingers coming to pull apart the buttons on the suit gently, one by one, each time the cold air of the room hitting his skin and turning him a little mad. "I know," he says eventually, only to bring his gaze back up, hand coming to rest at his hips. Jaehyun has to tilt his head the slightest bit, to match his gaze, stumbling when the other tugs him closer, hands against his shoulders.

"Jaehyun-ah," he whispers, gently, nose brushing against his, "you're okay?"

He makes a sound. He doesn't know what sound. But Johnny's smile is playful, pressing a kiss to the edge of his lips, one that has his stomach clenching, hands curling against his shoulders. 

This should be a bad idea. What's flipped the switch in Milan? Sure, Johnny's been getting better the previous month or so but…but maybe he'd like to indulge in the benefits of alcohol a bit. Play oblivious.

Feel wanted , by someone, for once. 

By Johnny, for once.

"Yeah," and that's all the confirmation he needs really, to tilt his head and finally kiss him, stealing his breath, sending his heart into a frenzy. Soft, soft, soft. Johnny's lips are as plush as he thought they'd be, giving against pressure. 

He's also much better than he'd imagined he'd be.

"Relax," he murmurs, catching him off guard only to turn it deeper. Jaehyun lets him–he has him figured out in a matter of seconds, turning him molten. He slips his hands lower, aggravated at the feel of fabric.

"Johnny," he murmurs, airy. He doesn't know if he imagines the shiver that rakes through the other, "off?"

"Of course," he replies, sweet, a kiss against his jaw, against the spot below his ear, against his neck. And then takes his hands, guiding them along. "Do the honours, sweetheart?"

Oh okay. He doesn't know how great of an idea that is, considering Jaehyun's brain is logging off by the second, Johnny not relenting, a steady trail of kisses down. He fumbles, but he gets them opened. For every kiss he presses, another one.

One.

By one.

"You're so beautiful, you know that?" It doesn't take much to shove it down a shoulder, Jaehyun's face burning as the cold air hits his skin, burying it against the other as he finally gets to the last button. Shut up. He won't be able to do anything if he keeps speaking. "Gosh, baby," that's it.

He slides his own hand over the others abdomen, Johnny bucking into the touch, Jaehyun's pace achingly slow as he feels every part of him. He's so… firm . Is that an odd adjective? But it's true, isn't it? Muscles from hours of working out, firm and dependable, not giving easily to any push or pull. Jaehyun quite nearly dissolves when he tugs down the remaining top of the suit, feeling too exposed when–

"Hey," his knees hit the edge of the bed, on instinct making him sit down. Johnny's in front of him in an instant, flushed and lips bitten red, too wrecked for something they've barely done.

A greedy part of him, wants to see how much further he can take it. It takes him a moment, to snap himself in the present and not in the inviting darkness of his eyes, fingers in between his before he knows it. Johnny squeezes, once, twice, and he has all of Jaehyun's attention on him.

"You'll tell me if something's wrong?" He asks, so soft, it's only proximity that turns it so loud. Jaehyun nods, and the other smiles.

"Words sweetheart."

"Yea-yes," he manages, and his laugh is gentle. Do people laugh midst of these things? Johnny brings their laced fingers near, kissing his knuckles, and Jaehyun's stomach swoops.

Do people normally take this much time, too?

"I'll take care of you," he promises, and like a blind man offered the first hints of light, he grabs it and believes it without a doubt.

It's slow. It's not what he's used to. Jaehyun prefers it hard and fast, done and over quick. Most times it just doesn't feel that great after he and his partner are done, some sense of… lacking always there. He's only had two full fledged relationships so maybe it's more on the emotional connection part but–

But gosh.

Does Johnny know his way around a body. How to break him apart so nicely, crouched between his legs, hands sliding up the inside of his thighs. He's a painting come to life, subtle movements emphasised in the shift of muscles, in the shift of expressions, in the gentlest back and forth of his thumb along a patch of skin that drives Jaehyun so mad he has to tug him for a kiss. For a distraction.

Overwhelming .

But in such a good way. "One more?" Johnny asks, and it's embarassing but Jaehyun nods, no doubt flushed head to toe, feeling him stretch him open, prep him carefully. It's been a while, after all, and he nearly curls in half the moment the pads of his fingers graze against his spot, teeth biting down hard on his lips to keep the obscene sound to himself.

But like the psychopath he is: "I want to hear you, Jaehyun," his other hand thumbing at his lips, dragging his mouth open. How he looks so composed is beyond him, gaze fixated with an intensity he's never seen before right on him, fingers dragging against his walls and stretching him wider and wider. "You sound so pretty, you know? Look just as much."

Fuck . He shouldn't–but he's already so so aroused from this alone. From Johnny finding out the littlest things in the matter of seconds and a few experimental tugs; his arms are strong, pushing his legs back easily and letting them dangle off the sides. Jaehyun can barely keep it together, arms around him to pull him close, wishing to hide away when all Johnny does is keep dragging him back in the spotlight of his attention.

"Breathe, Jae," he kisses his cheek, kisses over his closed eyes, the slips of tears that run down his face, barely having started at all. "Tell me how you feel."

Full. "Good," safe. It's hard not to. It's so hard not to, when he cradles his face in one hand. The other leveraged beside his head to push himself deeper, to fit himself perfectly against him, in him. Jaehyun's eyes roll back, the mix o kif pleasure and pain before pleasure prevails, the buildup and sensation and the sheer emotion bubbling tight in his chest everytime Johnny slips a kiss or two against his lips.

It's the most intense he's ever reached his high, it feels like the most intense it has been for Johnny too. They're both heaving, breaths mingling, and heartbeats so loud and hard against their chests there's no way they've somehow not begin to beat in tandem.

Jaehyun can't get enough. And worse than him, Johnny won't stay a second apart. Kissing him so hard and so deep there's not a second for any other thought to step through.

And he has the audacity, after all of that, to push himself above him and stare down with what he knows is a shit eating grin.

"That was pretty good, wasn't it?"

Jaehyun stares, incredulous, still a little out of it, and laughs, pulling him down by the cheek to slap another kiss on his. "It was."

*

Despite his fears…

Johnny doesn't turn into an ice cold brick the moment they're back. He's incredibly busy the first week, everything piling up to get his approval and sign a bunch of stuff he doesn't like hearing before his brain melts, and Jaehyun throws himself back into his own classes and preparations of midterms.

"You should take a leave," Johnny says, back surprisingly early. He's showered, relaxed and watching Jaehyun angrily write down notes with a mug of coffee in his hand, across the sofa. "I still don't get why you just won't hire some housekeeping."

I don't like strangers. Thankfully nothing too bad's happened, but hearing stories from his mother had been enough to traumatise him for life. It's an irrational fear. Johnny doesn't have the same type of political importance attached to his position like Jaehyun's dad had but…

"I can handle it." 

He doesn't need to look twice to know the other's rolling his eyes, frowning. "You're going to get sick."

"You can take care of me then," it slips out before he can take it back, and while his heart thuds hard, he chances a glance to find Johnny sighing, hand reaching out to curl around an ankle, touch featherlight.

"I just might have to. Woe is me, to leave a multi-million dollar company to tend to the ill."

"And woe is me, to have a goading landlord eat all my home cooked food only to complain when I fall."

"Now, now," Johnny keeps his mug down, "let's not start getting real."

Jaehyun snorts, turning back to his screen. He realises he should indeed, take a break,when his eyes no longer want to differentiate between the words contract and contact.

"And where are you heading?" Johnny asks, once he's done tidying the space around him. 

"Dinner?"

"Sit down ," and then he pulls at his wrist, making him stumble because Jaehyun has the coordination of a goose, falling right on top of him. Johnny's laugh is more fond than anything else, even when he accidentally elbows him in the ribs while trying to scramble up. "Jaehyun why ."

"I–umm," he flushes. Finally sits, cross-legged, next to him. 

Johnny doesn't let go. 

He's just very quiet. Jaehyun wonders if he should ask. Personally he enjoys the silence that comes after a long day, maybe something quiet to go along with it. So he rubs his thumb back and forth on the inside of his wrist, keeping his gaze locked to the other's palm.

"There's a big deal coming up," Johnny speaks up, eventually. Jaehyun hums. Traces the lines of his palm gently. "It's a collaboration–but we need to do well, so we can bring up a merger later." Oh . "I don't know…dad's always wanted to work with them, it's an old family business…"

"But?"

He sighs, head coming to rest on his shoulder. Jaehyun tries not to move. "It's been a couple of years since the new kid took over–I don't find anything particularly impressive, you know? Sure he managed to clear through a few things but there's nothing major enough for me to believe this might be, well, worth the time and effort."

Okay. That's definitely a lot to think about. "Meet him," Jaehyun suggests, and before the other can speak, he beats him to it, "there are reasons and achievements beyond what's written down in newspapers and your intel, you know."

He squeezes his wrist, "it'll be enough. To know him outside and while you're working on this project."

"And if I still don't think it's a good idea?"

Jaehyun shrugs, "your call. Sure, people can say things here and there–but at the end of the day, you hold the decision that could affect the hundreds of people that work under and with you. It might mean a lot to your dad, but he won't be held responsible for the numbers you manage to pull or don't."

When there's a prolonged beat of silence, he glances down, to find Johnny looking up at him. Just like before, his gaze is as unreadable as ever. Or maybe Jaehyun just doesn't know how to assign what to the emotions flitting through him.

"Thank you," he says softly. Closes his eyes, and stays still, Jaehyun having a hard hard time, reigning in his spiralling heartbeat. The attention away.

*

Things come to an odd halt and standstill, one fateful evening. He could say it was a bad day altogether. Jaehyun hadn't scored well on his assignment, felt shameful even for needing the extra help. He'd been distracted at work, and Johnny seemed to be dealing with something himself, eerily quiet when he'd arrived, Jaehyun halfway through getting ready for one of his events again.

He should have seen the warning signs. The curt responses, the sudden cold shoulder almost. The slight frigid air in the car, Johnny tensed up like a coiled wire.

Should have known what to do, exactly. But he'd done what he did best, and avoided it, straying further and further away from the other as the party progressed, not able to talk about the heavy atmosphere he seemed to let crumble in front of others with a fake smile.

Jaehyun's never liked these things. And he doesn't think he ever will. It's too much gossip about the wrong things and laughter to coat sharpness of words.

And he hates getting roped in, with no means of escape. "So Jaehyun," the man asks, name already forgotten, "Valentine corporation's been seeing quite a boom, hasn't it?"

He wouldn't know. He doesn't care. "It has," he smiles, "my family's adept at managing it well enough."

"And also fishing for opportunities, no?" He laughs, "after all, you and Mr. Suh are quite a deal. Ensured success on both ends; that man tends to get away with the good end of a bargain always."

Jaehyun's smile becomes strained. Something about the words, make his chest curl with an odd sensation. "I don't think I understand what you mean."

He waves his hand, "oh you know, petty rumours and the like. Really don't pay me mind. It's just–such sudden news, you know? Ofcourse, I don't want to speak ill of Mr. Suh's name, but he'd shown his opportunist side very well, with this. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but it had been a different young man he'd bring along on the regular, after all."

Right. Jaehyun tends to forget, after all. "And everyone's aware of your choice to not take over–what better way to prove your usefulness to the legacy, am I right? Just telling you: keep your eyes open, yeah? Or not," he chuckles, practiced, "depends on the type of life you'd want here."

He clenches his jaw, "what an interesting way of speaking you have. Making sure to leave enough words to come between a married couple but not enough to seem downright demeaning."

He blinks, taken aback, clearly not expecting that, "I just–you misunderstood!" He splutters something else Jaehyun can be bothered less about, heading to the bar to grab a strong drink. Not too much to get drunk though. 

Keep your eyes open.

They'd been opened the very first time they met. Jaehyun downs it, thinking of nicer thoughts before calming himself down. He's heading back in, hoping to just grab a seat and make himself disappear for the night when he bumps into Johnny.

Who looks nothing short of tired, even under the makeup. He's about to suggest just calling it a night when Johnny's lips twist into a frown. "Did you talk to Mr. Schmidt?"

Mr. Schmidt…? Right! That was his name. "Kind of?" He says, and Johnny pinches his nose bridge.

"What did you say? Because he seems pretty upset about it, okay? If you can, try making up to him–he's friends with a client from Canada we've been trying to get in touch with–"

"I am not apologising." He cuts in, firm. Johnny stares. "Johnny he's an asshole."

"An asshole whose help is important." He hisses, "what did he say? Insulted you?"

"Well–" he doesn't know how to word it. What better way to prove your usefulness to the legacy?  

But it had been the truth, no? Yet he can't stop thinking of the words over and over again. Jaehyun feels his cheeks warm, something very ugly in his chest in trying to even repeat it. "Basically just said a bunch of stuff about you and I being an opportunist," his voice quiets a little, when Johnny's expression barely shifts, "or whatever."

"So? Everybody's a fucking opportunist here; this is business," his frown deepens, "it honestly doesn't matter okay? Just forget it–"

Doesn't matter.

"So he can say the same shit again and get away with it?"

"So you can ignore him and move on because that's what we do here," Johnny emphasises. "Why do you care so much?"

Jaehyun stares at him. He can't get himself to say a word of it. How it's making him feel, how it all is. Too pathetic to matter and voice out. Jealousy? Maybe it was. 

Why can't Johnny side this vehemently with him instead?

But it had been a different young man he'd bring along on the regular, after all.

Why can he do more in the name of a stranger, than for him?

"I don't want people to think they can say whatever and get away with it."

And just as he says it, he catches them already leaving, Johnny swearing under his breath.

"Do you have to?” Johnny snaps, “can’t you just shut up and move on like the rest of us?”

Jaehyun blinks, taken aback. He feels the words sink in humiliation along with them, very aware of the setting they’re in. Sure, maybe no one heard them. But it doesn’t help make him feel so incredibly small, all of a sudden. Ready to be crushed underneath anyone’s boot if they wanted to.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, clasping his hands as he steps away. He keeps his gaze trained low.

A sigh. “No, I just—“

He doesn’t hear it. The door is right there, and he needs to use the washroom anyway. The tone stings more than the words do, and by the time he’s out of there and in the hallway, he's staring at the wall and trying to breathe, blinking back the wetness in his eyes.

He just really wishes he was born somewhere else. He really wishes he was. Jaehyun made the mistake of breaking from routine. He’s supposed to always be quiet, because that’s what Johnny gets from him anyway. It’s not like he’d want to hear more, listen more. What did he think he was doing?

Can’t you just shut up?

He feels pissed too. Does he not deserve an ounce of respect? At least as a person if not a husband? One he knows Johnny hates the idea of. He doesn’t know how long he takes, just standing there, but the moment he sees a few people leave, he considers it his cue to head back in. Of course, they’re in the final act, pretending his goodbyes with smiles as sweet and fake as he can muster. Johnny gets pulled into talking and—

And Jaehyun is just. Very tired. He shines here, Johnny that is. Amongst these people. He’s undoubtedly one of the most handsome guys he’s met, all over, and outwardly considerate and kind too. He’s just—

He’s just in love with someone else. And he just won’t want to be at least friends, let alone civil. Jaehyun leaves alone, as his chest starts tightening again. It’s very hard to come back, and want to step back inside, but he does. He cleans up, and sits on his bed, checking Donghyuck’s messages, his friends getting up to goofy antics and just—

Just getting to live. Even here, a whole country away, from everyone who pressed him into the perfectly molded chess piece, he can’t just live. Can’t enjoy any second of it. It’s his fault. Jaehyun should get himself a lover. Someone who makes him feel loved and keeps making him feel loved. A pet. Should be just as negligent as Johnny is. Stop caring, stop cooking, stop maintaining this house.

But it still won’t be what he wants.

It will still be a result of everything else, and nothing of his own. Who even is Jaehyun? Is he anyone at all? What would it matter if he disappears?

Really, actually.

What would it? Johnny would be so happy then. He and Doyoung would be happy, and Jaehyun would do a favour not just to everybody but himself too. He hears the front door open, and takes in a deep breath. Steeling himself. What will he say? The drunker he is, the worse it’ll be on Jaehyun. Moments forgotten in hangover induced amnesia. He wonders if it’s the same with sobriety. Jaehyun doesn’t even realize how hard he’s holding his breath, until Johnny’s at the door, standing, and there’s a pin drop silence.

Just get it over with. He closes his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek, strung taut. Instead, all that happens is he feels the mattress dip, and—

Johnny just sits. Quiet. He’s shrugged off his jacket. Jaehyun watches his back, shoulders slumped. The silence gets too much. It’s making him more nervous than nothing at all. “I’m sorry,” he starts, “I just left like that. I’m sorry.”

The anxiety is still there. Johnny doesn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t hear him. This would literally be the best of times to pretend he doesn’t exist at all. He swallows down the urge to continue apologizing, because he is not that pathetic, and shifts under the blankets, stiff and closing his eyes. Eventually, there’s a draw of breath, as if he wanted to speak, before the slightest creak. He can feel Johnny’s gaze on him.

“No Jaehyun,” it’s whispered, as if he thinks Jaehyun’s long asleep, “I’m sorry.”

*

It's been a strange few weeks. 

He relented, for one. Some private place Johnny insisted was safe and did background checks and whatnot, so a couple hours a day a woman comes to help out. It makes his skin itch, but he's right. Jaehyun can't be doing everything forever.

The air between them…is fine. It almost feels like Johnny's trying to make up to him. He's not sure. He's just stopped noticing or trying; there's no point, after all. Jaehyun has his studies to finish, work to go to, and the house to come back to that he likes keeping. It's almost like discovering a new hobby; a new plant pot, some mantle pieces, shifting the mirror here or there. Going on the weekend to a design house and getting three new outfits he's not wearing any time soon.

"It's called unhealthy coping mechanisms," Donghyuck drawls, on the phone, thousands of miles away, "at least you're rich. Then it can be a hobby."

Jaehyun flips him off and tells him to focus on his degree. If he's being honest, he's kind of scared the kid might just stop, too much on his shoulders. So he sends him a bunch of things as an excuse for his birthday and while Donghyuck sends him a link to an article about retail therapy, he does seem pleased.

Happy, Jaehyun's not forgotten his little likes, his quirks. 

It makes him happy too. The year end is approaching, and for every major company it's categorised by the busiest time, getting everything in order. So he doesn't question any of Johnny's behaviours. Whether he comes late or early, whether he wants to order takeout or get dinner, Jaehyun just goes along, everything a little detached no matter what they talk about.

The upside is the year end also means Jaehyun has a break, and so he'd taken a leave from the office too, now during which he is just holing himself at home.

His mom had called again.

And she had droned about a lot of things. But there were no complaints, and no demands, so he'd breathed easy and sank into the couch, the television running and running until the doorbell rings.

"Long day?"

"Terribly," Johnny sighs. He does that a lot nowadays. Jaehyun takes his jacket and brushes off the snow on the top of his head. This is why he bought hats, but the other always forgets them at the office. It's very annoying. "You?"

He shrugs. What about him? Nothing interesting. "Clean up," he says, already heading back to the living room, "I'll heat dinner."

Johnny doesn't move immediately. It's almost as if he wants to say more. But he doesn't.

That's the thing with them, he supposes. Someone speaks when they shouldn't, and doesn't when they should. Jaehyun plates the last of everything by the time Johnny joins, and–

"Aren't you watching that show?" The other asks, "how many seasons even is it?"

"Four," he adds a bit more meat to the other's plate. If he's intent on going like this, he needs to stock up on protein, "I'm on three. Kind of want to skip it."

"Then you should." He eats and Jaehyun throws him a look. "What?"

"And what about the plot?"

"Does it really matter when it's just stuff you can google?"

"Yes?" Jaehyun eats a bite himself when Johnny prompts him, "if I wanted to just read a Wikipedia page then I would. But I don't. It's far more enjoyable like this."

"Torture for entertainment, how fun."

"Really is once you're subjected to a lifetime of it," Jaehyun mutters, not thinking much of the words. The rest of dinner is just Johnny venting and Jaehyun telling him to eat the damn mushrooms he bought seven boxes of for some reason. 

"Oh Johnny don't," he says, once the other starts helping with the dishes, "go sleep."

"One day won't kill me," he mutters. It might. He looks haggard. Had shaved in such a rush there's the nip from the morning, face already sporting a shadow. Jaehyun sighs, shifting over, handing cutlery one by one to dry off.

One last plate, and he's wiping his hands, only for a squeak to startle out of him the moment arms come around his waist, snug and tight.

"Johnny?" Goodness. Is Jaehyun a teen?! Why is his voice so faint?! "Hey, what's up?"

He doesn't say anything immediately. Head pressed against his, body a warm furnace encasing him. Jaehyun wants to resist the urge to sink against him, all too aware of how it'd feel. Instead he rests his hands on the other's forearms, Johnny arms just wounding tighter. 

It's terribly silent. He wonders if it's the exhaustion. Something else? Maybe–

"I'm sorry."

Oh.

"For?" He asks, quiet. He doesn't get it. Johnny takes a deep breath in. "And why like this?"

"Because you're avoiding me."

"Not true," very true. He doesn't do it intentionally. It just happens. He hangs his head, focusing on the other's arms Instead. "Johnny–"

"That was rude, and uncalled for, and I hated it the moment I said words," Johnny rushes out. "I'm just–I was too focused on one thing, and I guess all the stress got to me–but that's no excuse so." He stops. Takes a moment, "Jaehyun I just. Really want you to know, I'm sorry."

Jaehyun feels very out of his depth. And ambushed. Johnny is very wrong to do this. But knowing him, he'd probably avoid him even more otherwise. "It wasn't what you said that bothered me…" he frowns, "or not, brothered as much. It's just." Jaehyun bites his lip. Should I? "I don't know–but…I think, at least, a couple should defend one another, even if the other's wrong, in public. Like that can be dealt with later, right? Any disagreement, any argument. I…"

I don't know if you even think of us as a couple. Think of me as a partner. "I didn't want someone to think they could say anything about you and just. Not get a reaction. I guess I just expected you to feel the same way." He fiddles with his fingers, "it's okay, if you–if you don't. Or don't share the same view. No expectations, right? So sor–"

"Shut up," Johnny murmurs, but it's.

It's soft. Too much so. Johnny ducks his head against his neck. "Don't apologise," he murmurs, lips so close to skin, the heat of the words ghost against Jaehyun's neck, "never for–thank you, Jaehyun. For doing that, for me. For us."

For us. 

A flutter, hopeless and irrational. "You can stop apologising, now," Jaehyun says gently, reaching a hand up to tangle in his hair. "Johnny?"

"Hmm," he pulls back, the slightest bit, glancing at him. Jaehyun gives him a reassuring smile. "You have full authority to slap some sense in me if I ever do the same–which I won't!" He hurriedly adds, and Jaehyun laughs. 

It brings a smile to his face too. And then it all quiets, Jaehyun's gaze still trained on him, Johnny still not letting go. Instead, he leans up and presses a kiss against his temple, one that has Jaehyun's eyes slipping shut, a weight off his shoulders, his chest.

Light. Even a little warm.

*

He does not get sick, but he will if he has to listen to one more story about a cheating wife and her lesbianism she managed to keep under the wraps. (Though he would much rather tell Mr Stick up his ass that it must not be that much under the wraps if he's the third person telling him this tonight.)

Jaehyun excuses himself, and wats chocolate.

"Enjoying yourself?" Yuta materialises, and he nearly drops the plate, the other righting him at the last second. Yuta tsks. "Johnny said you were clumsy, but you looked too hot for it. Guess everyone's got a weakness, huh."

"Johnny talks about me?" He can't keep the surprise out of his voice. Yuta stares, confused.

"Yes?" He answers, "should he not? You're his husband, after all." Yeah but. What about–you know who . Yuta doesn't seem to care, or want to divulge more information that could feed into Jaehyun's overthinking, because he squints into the distance to find his boss.

"I'll send him over–also Jaehyun you really need to stop. You've ended up here like thirteen times." Jaehyun blinks. But he hasn't even tried the macaroons yet! He was trying to work his way through the table discreetly. He continues eating the chocolate.

It's just an office party, for that same collaboration Johnny has been tearing his hair over. Jaehyun finishes his chocolates, wiping his hands on a napkin–

"Jaehyun?"

He turns back, eyes wide. "Chan?" He echoes, "what–how are you here?"

"I should ask you that! You're married to Johnny Suh? You don't even need to work at the office!"

His face flames, "what happened to having independence?"

Chan waves a hand, "nah man, you look way too tired too many times for the independence thing. My cousin works here so I came as a plus one." Oh, that explains it. Chan tries to leave but Jaehyun entangles him in conversation because, well, he's bored . Seems like they both have a common there, taking drinks as they increasingly shit talk the head secretary and the receptionist who's always up in everyone's business.

"Is it really that hard to like, want someone to pronounce your name properly?" He slurs, "that's why I just use my English name. Saves me dying on the inside."

"I hate my English name," he announces, now beyond tipsy, "do you know how stupid Jeffery sounds?"

"Whose Jeffery?"

They both jolt and Chan catches his champagne glass just as it slips out his hand. He's decidedly more drunk, giggling "this fucker," and making him laugh too.

Johnny raises a brow. Right. Johnny . "This is Chan," he introduces, still smiling, "he's my deskmate."

"Nice to meet you," Chan and Johnny extend a handshake, but there's something strange about the air around him. "Thank you for watching out for him at work."

Oh gosh. Is Jaehyun a kid?! But Chan smiles good naturedly, shooting him a glance, "nah, he's more than enough on his own. If anything, he's watching out for me."

"You know that's not true," Jaehyun quips, "honestly would be lost if you hadn't helped in the beginning."

"What can I say? I'm a charmer like that," and in true Chan fashion, sends him a wink that just makes him laugh again, "I should probably head back to Jia–she'll think I'd ditched her or something."

"Would it really be the first time?" He mutters, and Chan throws a playful jab at his arm, a glance that says we agreed to bury that he pretends to be oblivious to. He watches him go, attention stolen back to the front when Johnny steps closer, reaching for his wrist.

"You seem awfully close," Johnny says, and Jaehyun hums, reaching out to tangle his fingers with the others. The party seems to be wearing him instead of doing the opposite, a little disheveled. Jaehyun fixes his hair, Johnny's gaze still fixed on him.

"Kind of like my only friend here, if I'm being honest," he admits. His skin's buzzing, pleasant. He feels warm, even more with him near. 

"You tie yourself at home," Johnny sighs, "this is why I say to socialise . Get involved."

He pouts. "There's nothing to get involved in here ."

"Of course there is," Johnny tugs him, stepping backwards, and he blinks in confusion, following along. It's only now, in the thick of other figures wrapped in each other swaying to the beat, does he realise there's a song playing above, soft and melodious.

So this is what he means .

"I–we're dancing?" He asks, stupidly. Johnny's smile is teasing, but he doesn't say anything, hand resting on his hip. Jaehyun places one on his shoulder, hands locked as they make their way around.

It's kind of embarrassing. There's so many people after all. When he voices this to Johnny, the other snorts. "Don't focus on anything else," he offers, the voice taking a strange edge, "let it come easy. Just like the two of your conversation."

Chan? But that was only easy because they were discussing crocodile facts. He bites his lips, watching their feet–

"You're good at this."

Jaehyun laughs, "I was raised kind of the same way you know. This is pretty basic." And as soon as he says it, Johnny surprises him by spinning him, making laugh even more.

"Damn, you're not joking, are you?" Johnny's hand settles on the small of his back, bringing them even closer. There's a playful glint to his eyes, "not losing footing even in my ambush."

"Getting easy to expect since that seems like your only tactic."

"Oh?" Johnny cocks a brow, leaning his face closer against his, enough so, he's tempted to pull back, "is that so?" He grins, "then can you twirl me too?"

"You're impossible sometimes," he mutters, doing as he says anyways. Thankfully they're not that distractly different in heights, so it's not as awkward he fears it to be.

If anything, it sends a flutter loose in his chest, when he catches sight of Johnny's self satisfied smile. They're even closer now, Jaehyun shifting his hand to the other's nape. The skin is warm, hair soft as it curls against it.

"You look better when you smile, you know," Johnny comments. 

"Really?" He feigns ignorance, but the words have their effect. His cheeks have risen out of his control, skin flushing. "I thought the whole cold stoic thing was better." His mother certainly thought so.

Johnny shrugs. "My mom says I look like a whiskered ajumma when I smile, but does that stop me?" That is…certainly something. And he'd like to correct: Johnny looks nothing short of lovely, the sharpness softened down, the intimidation nothing more than just a run of water already gone through the cracks of his demeanor. 

"Plus," he grins, poking his cheek, "why hide these when you're blessed with them?" He rolls his eyes, but he can't stop it. The smile now there, resting on his lips, Johnny's attempts to make him laugh again not unnoticed by him.

So much so, it takes Yuta to even remind them they need to go home. Jaehyun heads to the side to get his jacket, the two still in his vision, sharing jokes and laughter, Johnny pulling him closer by the shoulders only for Yuta to deliver a punch to his side, stepping away with a shake of his head.

It's so easy, for him.

All of it. Should Jaehyun really let himself get tangled in it? But it seems like the choice has already been taken from him, considering the moment he turns at the slightest touch of his shoulder, Johnny's eyes light up at the sight of him, a smile as simple and soft and more genuine than ones he's seen in months on his face.

Maybe it's just the mood of the night, tripping over itself to follow them home, in the quiet confines of the bedroom. But when Johnny nuzzles against his cheek, his neck, Jaehyun has no qualms pulling open his tie, sealing their lips together with a kiss, with more.

Jaehyun's heart has already marked its target. All he can do now is sit and wait for the hard impact of the fall.

*

Winter is cold.

A fact like none other but he'd expected it to bite this time around. New year's, the hectic celebrations–attending one at Jaehyun's office too–and then of course.

"Happy anniversary," Jaehyun whispers, for once taking a step like this first, quiet in the darkness of the night, in the still of the air. The sheets rustle, a hand curling around his, a press of lips against his crown. 

"Happy anniversary, sweetheart," Johnny murmurs, voice rough with sleep still. The hearing is turned up, and they're layered under a thick blanket, yet none of it compares to how it feels cocooned with him around, limbs tangled up.

The day is spent in a very them fashion. Breakfast is late, and Johnny brings it to bed, a lazy morning that is hard to crawl out of, finally stepping into the living room at noon to cards and presents sent over, messages and calls to receive. Donghyuck's gift is supposedly a haiku he came up with, and it's so bad Jaehyun laughs for three exact minutes before Johnny tires of him.

"You give him too much attention."

"If you met him, you'd be the same," he reasons, relenting as he leans against the other's arm unconsciously, "what's this?"

This being a brown package he doesnt recognise. It's wrapped up all nice and pretty with twine, not a name in sight. Johnny doesn't answer, merely slips it open, the parchment falling away–

"Oh," Jaehyun says, soft, drawn out carefully. His heart feels like it's racing against some invisible force, thudding louder and louder. Right. "For me?"

"Who else?" Johnny asks, a smile in his voice as he hands it over. Jaehyun takes it carefully in hi s hand, afraid to open the box in the wrong way, of doing everything the wrong way. But goodness, does the moment when he feels the smooth leather and cold metal of it, feel right.

"You said you loved it," the other says, quiet. I did. Jaehyun's fingers find home against the dials, in the weight of it. "But you didn't show any reason you had stopped loving it, either."

I hadn't. It's a camera. Vintage, the exact types he was obsessed with before it was a hobby that has been tainted like much of his others were. By expectation, by the need for perfection to justify why it even exists in the first place. Jaehyun had never stopped loving, but it had grown bitter.

Yet.

He meets the other's eyes, unsure if the sincerity bleeds across. Johnny holds his gaze, as still as ever, gentle. Hopeful. "Thank you," he manages, and a lovely smile graces his face, one that makes him feel his gift is nowhere near enough, really.

It's a watch. Jaehyun hadn't known how much he'd like something from him. Hadn't felt confident to get anything bolder. An engraving of the other's favourite quote he'd softly breathed at when he'd read it, sitting beside him in the depth of the night, taking the time to pause and lean over and show him.

I was quiet. But I was not blind.

"I love it," Johnny says, the moment he voices out it doesn't feel like it's very special. Cups his cheek, presses a kiss against the other. Confusing. Contradicting. If it were a person, it would be Johnny. With the way he glances back at it, runs a thumb over the words.

They go out in the evening. It's getting easier to find a rhythm. A year sealed, with the future waiting on unstable legs, unsure whether to continue holding out hope, or to call now and save the hurt later.

Jaehyun can only wait, and see.

*

"You know why I liked it so much?"

Jaehyun hums. The water has been warned, his mother never forgetting to do so at the vacation house. He swishes his legs further in the warmth.

"The book?"

"The quote," Johnny corrects. He's floating, staring up at the stars. The music is quiet, but there. It feels strangely nice to be back in the country. Jaehyun breathes in, the scent of fresh grass and salt.

"No," he admits. He never said anything more. Just stayed on it for more than Jaehyun's ever seen him fixate on something like that. He glances up, at the planes of his muscles shaded with translucent shadows. The ink striking an even darker contrast in the lack of light.

Johnny turns his head the slightest bit, meeting his eyes. "It reminded me of you."

Jaehyun stares.

Of me.

He doesn't know what to particularly say to that. Four months, and nearly always, he wears it. Even if it's a clash against an outfit. Of Jaehyun. He feels his face colour, skin heat. What does that mean?

He doesn't dare ask. Afraid of the answer. But Johnny doesn't let him hide away after they're done at the pool, dinner with his parents. Knows to well hos we retreats and avoids and makes sure he's always keeping him tethered to here, to now.

To him.

"You said Donghyuck's restaurant serves amazing desserts."

It does. "Now?"

"It's time for a little dessert."

Maybe. Johnny's hands keep in his the entire walk, the air humid, and Donghyuck's shriek of complaint as familiar as ever. It's not like it's the first time he's meeting him, but he whines nonetheless he didn't get a chance to look less disastrous.

Jaehyun just finds him better like this; without all the layers of anything to cover himself in, plain old Donghyuck in his ratty jeans and sweatshirt, personality as big as the sun. 

And Jaehyun had been right.

"Careful," Jaemin nudges, apparating from nowhere as always, "what if he steals him?"

Johnny smacks Donghyuck's arm hard at another bout of laughter, both of them lost in their world. It makes his heart so, so full. "I don't think I'd mind."

"Weird."

"Not as bad as you."

"Not as good," Jaemin corrects, "haven't you heard? The weirder the better nowadays. It's like, the trend." Jaehyun rolls his eyes. He's just glad he's got the chance at this after so long abroad, leaving in just a few days again but.

Gosh, now that he thinks of it.

It does sound a little too like him.

Jaehyun just doesn't know how to feel, to know Johnny carries a reminder of it, everywhere he goes.

*

"This calls for some reminiscing."

"No it does not," but he goes along with Johnny, laughing the moment he puts on the music, something too funky to be any serious. "This is nowhere near to what they played in Milan."

"So?" Johnny tugs him closer, eyes bright, "must we be unoriginal?" He has no choice to follow his antics, shimmying along until they're both ridiculously wiggling around, singing along to the lyrics.

The pictures came in. Exactly a year later, gorgeous and timeless in a way that had him staring long after Johnny had left the couch, a complex ball of emotion in his chest. 

He wonders, just as his socked feet slip and Johnny catches him the last second, both giggling against each other, Jaehyun's arms secure around the other's shoulders to prevent any future mishaps, the same.

How long can we last?

*

 Johnny gets sick.

"On your birthday , of all days," he mutters, after snatching his phone out his hand. No way is he going to work like this. He calls at his own office too, giving Chan a heads up who sends him many sad emojis and strangely, home remedies.

"Not like I planned for this," Johnny mutters, all red and teary eyed, nearing another sneeze that comes in three seconds. Jaehyun winces, and feeds him medicine. "This is terrible."

"It's also viral," Jaehyun says, after taking his temperature, "I better eat something too."

"You should be concerned about only me," Johnny whines. Gosh. So dramatic. "Honestly Jaehyun, not a romantic bone in you." He promptly sneezes again. He's a blob of germs, and Jaehyun stats romantic by offering to put something on Netflix for him to mindlessly watch. He's going to make the broth Donghyuck's mom taught him; always a good cure.

It's kind of ironic. He'd been so hell bent that Jaehyun would get sick at any moment and look at him! If anything this is a million more times taxing! Really, getting the recipe and ingredients pulled out and ready, unable to push down the swell of discomfort in his chest, constantly checking on him, and making sure he finishes every last drop of the tonic because that's just life and seasonal flu.

"Will you calm down?" Johnny scolds, tugging him to sit beside him, "gosh it's as if I got into an accident or something."

Jaehyun scowls, "must you say that when you're already sick? Want to test fate?"

"Since when were you superstitious?" Johnny says, leaned back against the pillows. Jaehyun knows he's frowning, and that's like the other's least favourite expression on him (he had admitted this on call, drunk, at a business dinner) but he can't help it. He brushes the hair away from his forehead, the skin still warmer than it should be, Johnny's eyes slipping shut.

"You work too much."

"Says you."

"Johnny," he warns, and tugs at his ear. Johnny snorts, caught off guard. It manages to lighten him too. He cards his fingers against the other's scalp, a gentle motion, until he realises the other's just. Fallen asleep. 

"You're such a handful," he mutters, somehow still undeniably fond, picking up the cutlery before tucking him in properly.

After that, Jaehyun makes it a point to become very keen on when he starts pulling too many late nights at the office or extended work hours at home too. A narrow of eyes, cold shoulders, and Johnny complains he's going to make the company fall.

"It'll last," he kisses his cheek, out of habit, "like it did when your dad skipped a week for you."

His cheeks burn. "My parents meeting you should have never happened," but Jaehyun just giggles, snuggling into his side on the couch, teasing him about the cute dresses he was in as a kid, the album now a saved memory in Jaehyun's phone (of course, without Johnny knowing.)

"I should have gotten ammunition from your parents," he says, making him scoff.

"You'll only find the most perfect pictures and stories to match. Mom doesn't like imperfections," he takes the other's hand, fiddling with it, with the ring. Johnny presses a kiss against his crown, and he feels the weight of so much of his life, lighten. Drop off.

You shouldn't.

But he has. Jaehyun meets his eyes, only to find his gaze already awaiting him. "I feel like you'd be a better parent than both of yours," he comments, and somehow that's enough to tighten his chest. Johnny brushes back his hair, the distance so miniscule between every part of them, a space he would love to drown in, again and again.

Too heavy. But in the best of ways. "I feel like you'd be just as insufferable as yours." Johnny laughs, knocking his head against his.

"Well someone would need to be a little fun."

"I'm plenty of fun," he reasons, pouting. This just makes him chuckle softly.

"Yes, yes. But I can't enforce rules and all like you do. Next thing you know we raise a demon spawned from hell and we lose public favour."

"You're so ridiculous sometimes," Jaehyun says, ready to get out and finish his night routine, before the other pulls him back, making him land against him with an 'oof'. " Johnny."

"Jaehyun," he mocks, lips ticklish as they ghost against his nape. Hands languid as they smooth against his sides. He feels the warmth turn heat molten in his gut, Johnny's kisses featherlight, but enough to drive him into a headspace that's becoming too easy and addicting to let go from.

"We have to get up early tomorrow," he tries, his last line of defence, a weak protest, before the other bites, stealing any further notions out of his mind. It's too much to fight against. 

All of it. He can't stop–Jaehyun's an overthinker, after all. Thinks and thinks and imagines, Johnny as someone who'd be all smiles and gentle voice, larger than life as he shows a little one to be the same.  Doting and kind, but would spoil to a point always. 

I feel like you'd be better than both.

It's a fear of his, of never being enough. Because he never has been. Doesn't know how that would feel to be. But gosh. Every single time they do this, it feels like he could be. For someone, for something, however little. Johnny slips off his shirt and–

"Jaehyun," his voice is faint. Oh right. "Jaehyun what is this?"

His fingers trace against his shoulder blade, and Jaehyun feels himself shudder. "I just," he hangs his head, exposed in more ways than one, "impulsive.*

Johnny barks a laugh, surprised, head coming against his shoulder, before he feels him press a kiss against the skin. "I can tell," he says, softly. Then a moment later, quieter, "god, Jae. It's beautiful."

It's nothing special. A white rose. But it had felt fitting. It had felt like a step of his own, to walk in with no prior plans and get it done. 

It felt like it was his.

And with how Johnny won't let it go, won't stop singing praises against every part of him, he's pretty sure it's a start of having more. 

All his. Only Jaehyun's.

*

It's not fair, he thinks.

Feeling the wind whip through his hair, the windows drawn down, music loud and the road ahead limitless. Johnny's glances are frequent, cautious but grin just as wide as he speeds faster. The adrenaline rushing through his bloodstream makes his heartbeat a frequency that's only ever been reached in the presence of a certain feeling.

Of a certain someone.

"Be careful!" Johnny laughs, tugging him back into his seat. But it's just so much fun! Something about the night, city fading away by the second to welcome sparser lands and clearer skies just has him falling.

In love?

God. Jaehyun dare not name it.

"Wanna head to the beach?" Johnny asks, crazy, because the water would be chilling enough to send them running back to shore any other day. But his hand is on Jaehyun's knee, heavy and tethering, eyes alight with so much he doesn't wish to name, but feels thump even louder inside his own being.

"We should have brought wine!" Jaehyun whines.

"I'm glad we didn't," Johnny says, both stepping out of the car, "you'd go crazy."

Maybe. But being sober feels crazier. There's barely any light around, their shoes are abandoned and the wind is strong and biting. Johnny's arms welcome around him, head tucked against his, both breathing in the sight, the scent of salt and even something like freedom.

Gosh, Jaehyun feels so utterly free.

"It's so cold," Johnny complains. It is, but that's the magic of it. Jaehyun snuggles back against his chest, the warmth of him chasing it the slightest away.

It calms.

All the rush, all the high of the evening, in front of the waves, rushing themselves instead. Johnny's fingers have taken to unconsciously drawing shapes over his knuckles, before they start on a walk, dare each other to dip their toes in before running back giggling in defeat. It's freezing, for sure, and the moment Jaehyun reaches him again–

"Stay still, a second," Johnny says, holding him in place by the shoulders. Only silver of the moon, and yet it is enough to paint an entire picture of him before Jaehyun's eyes, alive and–

Fond. Filled will feeling. Love, of something. What, he will never dare guess. The night has been one wonderful thing after the other, after all. "Johnny?"

"Yeah," he steps closer, still holding him, before leaning forward to touch his head against his, noses almost brushing. "Just a second, okay?"

Okay. His own hands smooth against his shirt, his front, feeling content.

Three years. How has it all passed by so fast? Jaehyun really thinks it's not fair. Time is so fleeting and heavy and everything all at once. "Jaehyun," Johnny starts, voice light and tight and choked with urgency and yet.

"I…" I? He won't continue. But for some reason, it makes his heart race. Faster than it has all night. "I…" and he stops, hesitant, unable to get it out, annoyed even, at himself.

Jaehyun's hand slips against his cheek, thumb swiping back and forth right underneath his eye. Johnny heaves a shuddering breath out, and oddly, it's like he's already said what he'd needed to. "Take your time," Jaehyun reminds, and on impulse, tilts his head, closing the gap.

It's short. Chaste. But. "Sometimes I'm afraid, I'll take too long."

Aren't we all?

*

His mood's been better the past months. It was Donghyuck who pointed out, Jaehyun no longer indulging in random shopping sprees that left him with things he didn't know where to keep or to do with, outfits sitting and sitting until he tired of them and shoved them aside.

But thinking about it, on the way back from work, done earlier than usual today, he genuinely believes it. Can feel it. In the hum he doesn't think twice about, the weights no longer attached to his every move. No sense of dread the familiar caller ID flashes on screen, but just a resignation of old routine.

It must be a big step, right?

And then, whatever Johnny had wanted to say. Jaehyun hadn't tried to ponder, because he's not good with thoughts. But he has something of his own to say. Maybe at least… breech.

He doesn't want to keep it all inside. What he feels. It's nice talking. Johnny is easy to talk to. When he's overwhelmed, or confused, or just needs someone to tell him he's not insane for sitting on something far longer than other people do.

So maybe, it might be fine to tell him more too.

Atleast, that's what he hopes to. But as is his fate, things never fall in place the way he wishes they could.

He feels it the moment there's conversation in the air as he steps in, coat unfamiliar, shoes unfamiliar. Everything different, from the sound of the other's voice, to the lightness in Johnny's.

Jaehyun feels the world halt for a second, not to let him process. No, to mock him.

Johnny’s look of surprise is all he needs, really. For it to hit, and for it to sink and hurt and make him bleed. It’s silent. Jaehyun walks in further, the man sitting ramrod straight on the counter stool, hands clasped together so hard they’re near white.

“Jaehyu—“

“Nice to meet you, Doyoung-ssi,” he regards in korean. There’s a flit of surprise across his features .

( Goodness. Goodness how he wished he was wrong. )

The best way to describe him is simply fine . Fine features, delicate in nature, a lithe stature but broad shoulders. He’s very attractive, and he’s here, in their home. 

In Johnny's. In Jaehyun's. 

Jaehyun carefully puts his bag down, not meeting a single gaze, and steps around Johnny only for the other to grab his wrist.

“Jaehyun, it’s not what you think.”

“It’s okay,” he says, not looking back. It’s not. There’s a lump growing in his throat. He pries Johnny’s fingers off his wrist, “I didn’t expect anything, remember? I have to go.” He walks right to the door, despite Johnny telling him to wait, footsteps behind him and voice pinched and deafened but Jaehyun's still in his shoes and within seconds he’s already in his car, driving far, far away.

His phone keeps ringing, and he doesn’t pick up. He doesn’t know how far he drives, but there’s no longer a hint of civilization; just green for miles until that too dissipates to sand, There’s a body of water, and the sky has deepened to purple. Jaehyun’s phone is a collection of regrets and he throws it out, pressing his head against the steering wheel.

It was idiotic of him.

Just because a person is nice, does not mean anything. It does not mean they will love you. It does not mean they care.

Jaehyun, I…

If anything, maybe it was on purpose. To ease him into the idea, that this would be their life, maybe. I'm still in love with him? He completes; where Doyoung would always be there, and Jaehyun will just have to deal with it.

Because at the end of it all, that’s all that Jaehyun ever is.

A second thought. Never enough, to be anyone’s first.

His phone dies in an hour. He hadn’t charged it, after all. And Jaehyun stays parked there, engine off to preserve gas, and curled up on the ground, staring at the waves.

It’s cold. He shivers, and keeps staring. The stars are there, so far out here, and very rarely, another car or truck passing by. It’s quiet in the way all he hears is the lap of the waves, and all he feels is the urge to dip under them and sleep.

Jaehyun falls asleep, but inside his car. The window open, and curled up, heart wrung out and tired. He’s hungry, and his breath stinks, and he realizes as much as he wants to, he can’t live out here. So he begrudgingly gets back on the road, stopping for some toiletries and feeling a bit more alive eating a breakfast burger. Despite every cell in his body wanting to leave, to stay away, he makes a terrible decision, and heads home.

Johnny’s car isn’t there.

It’s quiet inside. Still, from no one in. Jaehyun finds it all have gotten messy, and wonders what all they could have done. What all he let Doyoung do here. How many times must he have come over? When Jaehyun had been oblivious to it all? Like a dumb, pathetic dog, loyally bounded at the offer for a treat. No wonder Johnny’s been in such great spirits, the previous months.

Who wouldn’t be, with the love of their life?

He heads into their room, and finds the bed untouched. Or maybe fixed. Jaehyun’s working on auto pilot, dragging out his bag, piling it what little he has. Always had. All of the rest are mere pretend items, things that never truly could for him no matter how much he tried. Half of the new stuff was from Johnny, and now he wonders how much was it because he cared, and how much because he’d felt guilty.

He’s nauseous.

He sits down, and stares at the bag, and feels bile climb up his throat. Chest tightening, the familiar sting he’s used to pushing down again and again. But this time he lets it happen. Lets the tears fall. When will he ever get the chance later? After Johnny tells on him and his parents berate him once again? Jaehyun buries his face in his hands, so upset at himself for being so easily led on .

He’s so lost in his head, he doesn’t even hear the front door open. Neither the footsteps climbing up, until there’s silence in the doorway, and his heart is still breaking. Piece by piece. A million and mins to be ever fixed back.

“Jaehyun?”

He snaps his head up, flustered at being caught, knowing well how he looks. All blotchy and disgusting. Johnny’s face is a blur, but he can make out the shock on his face, hair ruffled and still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, the only difference his coat thrown on. He doesn’t know what prompts him; but that expression of his is an itch on skin, only relieved by packing the rest of things in the bag at the speed of light.

Then suddenly, there’s hands stopping him, forcing him to look elsewhere. Elsewhere being Johnny’s face, twisted in too much he doesn’t want to unpack. “Jaehyun,” he whispers, kneeled on the floor, “where did you go? I was—I called, and texted and even made Donghyuck call but you just. You wouldn’t pick up.”

“I didn’t want to,” he says, “I didn’t want to come back either.”

Johnny’s face turns pained, “let me explain, Jaehyun-ah. Please. Please you don’t—I went searching everywhere. I went to your office, to the bookstore you like, the libraries, the malls even the fucking park. Jaehyun I—I never want to feel that fear again.”

“Just let me go,” he says, pulling his hands away, “and you won’t have to. I won’t tell anyone. Go with Doyoung, and I’ll go back to my old job and—“

“Jaehyun I love you,” he breathes, simultaneously forcing him to stop, “why would I want anyone else?”

“Shut up,” he grits, so fucking angry, “just—Johnny what the fuck. How could you—I’m not your dog to be at your beck and call, okay? I have feelings. I have a heart. I’m so sorry I bothered you with it—“

“Doyoung is getting married.”

That has him halting. He stares at the other, whose smile is a sad little thing on his face. “Doyoung is getting married. Jaehyun he came to just talk . To even meet you .”

“But he loves you ,” he says, unable to make sense of it, “and you love him—‘

“ Loved,” Johnny corrects, hands on Jaehyun’s knees, eyes pleading as he gazes up at him, “I don’t—it’s been over for so long , now. How can I ask anyone for something like that, when I know I won’t give them anything? Doyoung’s found someone, and he’s never been one to wait.”

Never been one to wait. “Then you…”

“I love you,” Johnny reiterates, “Jaehyun that's what I wanted to say, on the beach. I freaked out last second because–" he pauses, taking a breath, "I was scared, okay? That you would–that you didn't feel the same."

"I…these past months. These past years. How can I not have? You’ve been more good to me than I deserved. I hurt you, I kept the distance and yet you just stayed who you are. Always so kind. You know when I fell sick?” he nods, a few tears slipping out still. Johnny reaches up to swipe a thumb against his cheek, and he sniffles, “I only realized then. I had the worst day of my life; work was so bad, dad broke the news of the project and I caught the flu. And yet when I came back, when I saw you, watching you worry over me and heat up all that stuff you made…I just couldn’t imagine what it could be like, if you weren’t here. How much I relied on you just being here, to keep myself grounded, calm. How I'd started already, day by day, falling a little more without me knowing."

He glances down. At his ring. At the one on his own. "Remember the watch you gave? I just couldn't let it go either. Everytime I needed an extra boost of confidence, energy, anything– one glance and I could almost imagine you there. Squeezing my hand, that smile of yours always just so damn reassuring. Like I could fall flat on my face and you'd still somehow find something good enough about that too."

It draws a wet chuckle out of him, hurting but something. It's quiet for so long. And then: "I ended up taking too long after all, didn't I?"

Gosh.

That’s a lot. Like really. But it’s relieving. Like he doesn’t need to rip off the sweetness stuck to those memories, doesn’t need to replace what all he’d imagined and thought in Johnny’s actions and gaze with something else.

Because it had been true .

I ended up taking too long after all, didn't I?

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

“I know,” Johnny says, sinking even lower, hesitantly taking his hands again. Jaehyun’s vision clears, and he sees how ruffled he actually looks; half stubble, eyebags, something suspiciously like wetness in his eyes. “And I—I will understand if you still want to leave. Or need space. Or time. Or anything. I’m not—I’m not entitled to anything from you, Jaehyun. Not when you’ve given so much already.”

All his life, that’s how Jaehyun’s been deemed. In a chase to repay the price of existing. To repay his parent’s efforts and investments in raising him, to own up to the family image and legacy and put himself through the misery of a major he didn’t even enjoy. To always be something someone else wants, and never what he wishes he could be, could have.

I’m not entitled to anything from you.

And somehow that, is all it takes for him to feel everything crumble. “I love you too, Johnny,” he whispers, and the other stares in surprise, “I…I’m still hurt. But you’ve made up for so much you did. And I…” he takes a deep breath in, “I definitely need a bit of umm. Time, to get adjusted to it. But I want to—" god, his heart is just beating so fast, it's terrifying, “I want to give you a chance. Us,” he corrects, " us, a chance."

And it’s a sight, to see the emotions flit across his face, all ending up in acceptance, in happiness. “Thank you,” he says, pressing Jaehyun's knuckles against his lips, “thank you so much.”

Thank you, he wants to say instead, when Johnny asks if it would be okay to kiss him. Thank you, he wants to say, when he nods and the other leans up, head tilting as his lips meet his, soft and gentle. Thank you, for giving me a choice.

“I’m going to try my best for you, Jung Jaehyun,” Johnny promises, breaking apart. There’s a vulnerability that leaves Jaehyun feeling too much, all over his face, “I hope I can—I can be someone you deserve, one day. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for—“

“It’s okay,” he smiles, cupping his cheeks, “hyung we have time.”

“We do,” Johnny kisses him again, less chaste than the last, but equally sweet. “Remember what you'd asked in Milan?"

In Milan? But Johnny completes, before he needs to ask: "we vowed a lifetime, Jaehyun. So that's how long we'll last. A lifetime of it, I promise."