Work Text:
things you said when we first met
“Are you okay?”
Jungwon almost doesn’t hear him over the sound of his music blaring through his tinny wired earpieces.
He turns to make eye contact with a guy who looks slightly older than him; floppy fringe covering his forehead, all clad in loose black clothes, and just as sweaty as he is.
The stranger looks somewhat familiar and Jungwon pieces together the contextual clues he’s given to reach the conclusion that he must be another trainee like him.
Jungwon wonders how he never fully noticed someone this attractive around before till now.
“Yeah I’m fine, I’m just trying to figure out how I’m gonna get back home at this hour since I missed the last train,” Jungwon rubs the back of his neck, cheeks flushing with embarrassment.
“My friend and I were practising together but he left early and now I’m kinda stranded here without a ride…” he continues. “But I’ll probably just go back in and sleep on the practice room floor until morning comes around then I’ll hop on the first train back home.”
He doesn’t know why he’s rambling and oversharing, but he does so anyway.
Wordlessly, the stranger reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet to hand Jungwon a few notes. “Here,” he says. “This should be enough to cover your taxi fee.”
Jungwon stares at the money in his hands. Before he even gets the chance to thank the stranger or ask for his name, he’s disappeared back into the company training building.
Jungwon wonders why he even came out of it in the first place, but he’s grateful. He vows to himself to return the stranger back his money even though he didn’t ask for it back.
Eventually, they meet again. But this time, it’s in front of dozens of cameras and mics attached to them.
Upon making eye contact, Jungwon grins from ear to ear and waves excitedly at the guy he self-dubbed “taxi fee hyung” since he never got his name. Taxi fee hyung smiles back, but they don’t get the chance to talk as the show producers immediately usher them to opposite directions.
Jungwon finally gets his name later into the day when the hype of everything dwindles down.
Jay. It’s a non-traditional Korean name since they were offered the chance to create their own stage names. However, Jungwon finds Jay’s Korean name a lot prettier — Park Jongseong.
He practices saying “Jongseong-hyung” to himself, and lets the words roll off his tongue like a secret.
things you said when you were scared
“I thought I lost you.”
Jungwon sits on the edge of the bed. Leaning forward just an inch would mean falling off, but Jay’s arms wrap tightly around his shoulders, grounding him both physically and mentally.
Jay doesn’t once loosen his grip, like as if letting go would mean Jungwon would disappear. As if Jay isn’t the sole reason Jungwon feels tethered to the world on days where he feels like he might just lose himself.
It’s a wonder they’ve grown so close in just a couple of weeks. But Jungwon guesses its the circumstances—how high the stakes are for everyone here—that opens them up to vulnerability and seeking any source of solace they can in such a cold environment.
He feels inexplicably drawn to Jay for reasons he can’t place a finger on. Jay just reminds him of hot chocolate on a rainy day, or warming up by the cracking of a fireplace inside during a storm. Jay is comfort and home—aspects Jungwon misses dearly.
Jungwon wipes the tears from his eyes, internally cursing himself for being the cause of Jay’s tears as well.
“It’s just the Grounds,” he tries to act nonchalant, covering the fact that his heart almost burst out of his chest the moment he saw his own face and name appear on the screen. “You were sent to the Grounds before too.”
“Yeah but it’s fine if I don’t debut. You have to debut,” Jay says firmly. “You have to show the world how talented you are, Yang Jungwon.”
things you said but not out loud
୨⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯୧
Jungwonnie,
If you’re reading this, it means I have probably been eliminated.
I have so many things I want to say to you, yet my mind is blank.
I guess I’ll start with an “I’m sorry”. For disappointing you. For not being able to be there with you through this tough journey. For being a bad hyung.
But I also want to thank you, wonnie. You’re the reason why everything is a little more bearable. Why the endless practices and training sessions aren’t as draining. Why I run though the dance routine a few more rounds even when my body wants to collapse.
You inspire me to be better.
I guess in a sense, you’re like my lifeline. Reminding me of what’s worth living for, what’s good and pure in this world.
I just wish it didn’t have to end this quickly. Remember me, okay? I’ll always be supporting you.
- Your hyung, Jongseong ♡
୨⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯୧
When Jungwon is done reading Jay’s letter, he blinks away the moisture in his eyes and huffs over Jay’s dramatics. If there’s anything he’s sure of, it’s that Jay will debut. Given his persistence and strong-will, Jungwon knows Jay will never stop fighting for what he wants.
Jungwon keeps the letter in his bag, carrying it with him wherever he goes.
things you said when we were on top of the world
“We’re going to be in this together!”
Of course Jay is the first person Jungwon goes to hug the moment his name leaves the announcer’s lips as the next member to debut in Enhypen.
After all, debuting with Jay was the reason Jungwon’s mind conjured up when he wondered why he was still doing this, what he was still fighting for.
Despite all the cameras and lights focusing on him, all Jungwon can think about is how glad he is that he can go through this journey with his hyung.
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Jungwon admits. “I knew that letter you wrote was all bullshit after all.”
“You read it?” Jay looks horrified, a blush creeping up his face. “I told you to read it only after I got eliminated!”
“But you didn’t. You made it… with me. Like I knew you would,” Jungwon affirms. “That’s all that matters.”
“That’s all that matters,” Jay repeats with the brightest smile Jungwon has ever seen.
things you said at 3am
“I’m not tired,” Jay says.
The hour hand on the analogue clock hanging up in their living room points to 3. While the dorm is usually filled with noise from the members either blasting music, fighting with the punching bag in their living room, or yelling at their computer screens while their keyboards clack away mid-video game; tonight there is silence.
After a long and gruelling day of back-to-back schedules, all each member wants to do is to clean themselves up, and then quickly head to bed before they have to wake up early for the next day.
Being the leader, Jungwon feels the need to take care of his members. So, he always offers to shower last despite feeling his body already on the verge of shutting down.
But a certain member never lets him do so.
“Yes you are,” Jungwon insists.
He is sitting on the living room sofa, Jay right beside him. Their sides are pressed close together despite the wide length of the couch. Jay doesn’t reply and instead rests his head on Jungwon’s shoulder.
“Hyung, just go and shower first, I’ll be fine,” Jungwon tries insisting once again. He feels Jay shake his head against his neck.
“I’m not… tired,” Jay repeats, stifling a yawn.
Jungwon rolls his eyes but knows it’s useless arguing against a stubborn Jay. He shallows his breathing so his shoulders don’t move too much against Jay’s head.
They sit in silence, listening to the sounds of running water and Jake’s soft pop music trailing out from the shower as they wait together.
things you said over the phone
“Because you always pick up my calls the quickest.”
In all honestly, Jungwon feels like absolute crap. He wishes Covid-19 had never existed. Then, maybe he wouldn’t be split up from all his members, isolated in a hotel room that feels way too big and lonely.
But Jay’s constant video calls make everything a little more tolerable.
“Sunoo-hyung does too! He’s not sick and he’s on his phone way more often than I am,” Jungwon retorts. After realising that Jay’s contact name filled up most of his recent call-logs, he had asked Jay why he always called him instead of the other five members.
“Sick or not, Sunoo’s too busy watching dramas to entertain my calls,” Jay pouts. Jungwon stares at Jay’s disheartened look through his phone screen and wishes he was seeing it in person instead of through pixels.
“What are you doing now?” Jungwon questions. The last time he asked—a mere two hours ago before Jay had called him again—, Jay had said he was reading a book. He wonders what new and exciting changes there could be.
“I’m watching an animal documentary about meerkats,” Jay says. He flips the camera on his phone to show the television in front of him. Indeed, Jungwon sees two meerkats on the screen. “They kind of remind me of you.”
Jungwon rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Don’t eagles eat meerkats?” he asks. Jay flips the camera back to show his face and this time, he has a horrified expression plastered on.
“I take it back. You’re not a meerkat wonnie,” Jay retracts his statement. Jungwon just laughs.
For a moment, there is silence and Jungwon wonders if Jay got distracted by his meerkat documentary, until he hears a gentle “Wish you were here. I hate being alone.”
Jungwon smiles. For a moment, he forgets he’s even feeling sick.
things you said while i cried in your arms
“You’ll be okay, just let it all out.”
Jungwon lets the sobs wreck through his entire body as Jay’s arms wrap tightly around his frame.
It’s one of those days where Jungwon doubts his own abilities and questions whether he’s good enough to meet the high expectations many set on him.
He doesn’t regret being leader. In fact, he’s honoured that the company and members themselves trust and believe in him this much.
Jungwon just sometimes wishes he didn’t have to deal with this much pressure, especially with being the second youngest in the group. But if not him, the burden would have been placed on Heeseung. And he would never wish that on the eldest who’s already facing the most scrutiny.
“You’re so unbelievably strong, I could never do what you’re doing now when I was your age,” Jay whispers as he rubs comforting circles on Jungwon’s back.
“I just don’t want to disappoint anyone,” Jungwon mutters through hiccups.
“You won’t,” Jay insists, cupping Jungwon’s face within his palms. While Jungwon’s falling tears feel hot on his cheeks, Jay’s hands feel warmer. “You could never disappoint me.”
His words warm Jungwon’s insides as well.
things you said in the dark
“Of course, come here,” Jay groggily answers, rubbing his eyes.
Through the darkness of the bedroom barely lit up by the pale moonlight sifting through the curtains, Jungwon sees Jay’s figure shuffle on his bed to be nearer to the wall to make space for Jungwon.
He gratefully climbs into Jay’s bed, immediately comforted by the warmth and scent of Jay. He’s glad Jay sleeps on the bottom bunk and that Jake is a heavy sleeper.
“Do you want to tell me about your nightmare?” Jay whispers after he tucks Jungwon into his blanket that the pair are currently sharing.
“No,” Jungwon simply replies. He isn’t in the mood to talk and Jay doesn’t push. He just wraps one arm around Jungwon’s side and presses his nose against Jungwon’s nape, pulling them closer together.
For the first night after many sleepless ones, Jungwon feels at ease.
things you said when you thought i was asleep
“I wish I could take all your pain away.”
Jungwon hears Jay’s sleepy voice trail from behind him, and feels Jay’s breath hit his neck. It leaves goosebumps running down his spine.
He wonders if Jay is aware that he said that out loud. He keeps his breaths slow and shallow in case Jay detects that he’s still awake. He stays awake for a few more minutes wondering if Jay will say anything else but it doesn’t come. Eventually, he drifts off to sleep when Jay begins snoring softly.
The next morning, Jungwon is the first to rise and he finds Jay’s arm still slung around his waist. He carefully removes himself and wakes up the rest of the members, ensuring he wakes Jay up the last.
things you said with your head on my shoulder
“Am I too touchy?” Jay asks.
The pair are watching a video of their dance rehearsals to analyse and spot any mistakes, when Jay suddenly asks the question while his head is still perched on Jungwon’s left shoulder.
Jungwon pauses the video. “What makes you think so?”
Jungwon has to admit that he has noticed Jay showing more affection towards him as compared to the other members. However, he’s never had any qualms about it. In fact, he rather enjoyed the special treatment. “I don’t know, I’ve just been seeing… comments,” Jay hesitated. “And I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable in any sense-“
Jungwon cuts him off. “If I was uncomfortable, I would’ve told you already,” he simply says.
He forces Jay’s head back down on his shoulder, refusing to let the elder move away even when he complains that his neck is cramping.
things you said under the stars and in the grass
“Have you ever been in love?”
Jungwon ponders over Jay’s question. Under the night sky away from the busy city, the stars shine especially bright. The raw beauty of the galaxy placed right in front of his eyes makes Jungwon momentarily forget about the bugs crawling on the grass he and Jay are lying on. Besides, when compared to the vast universe out there, worrying about insects seems rather inconsequential.
It makes every worry Jungwon ever had seem inconsequential. He wishes they could go on trips like this more often, and take a break from idol life.
“I don’t know,” he eventually replies after much thought. Jungwon has seen love in action before. Between his parents, couples in K-dramas, and even some lucky friends around him. But he doesn’t think a girl has ever made him feel the same way he’s seen and heard love been depicted. “Have you?”
He feels the hesitance in Jay’s voice when he lets out a soft “Yes”.
“Was she pretty?” Jungwon teases. His smile immediately drops when Jay responds with a “He was”.
In all 17 years of his sheltered life, it never occured to Jungwon that same-sex couples could exist. It’s an aspect he’s unfamiliar with, but he doesn’t feel repulsed by it.
“What happened?” Jungwon asks. He doesn’t expect Jay to give him a proper answer, but he does. That’s something he likes about Jay—always honest, straight to the point, wearing his heart on his sleeve.
“He got a girlfriend,” Jay shrugs. Jungwon feels Jay’s arm brush against his own in the process. He turns his head to stare at Jay’s side profile.
The sky is cloudless so the moon and stars shine extra bright. Jungwon can almost see Jay’s eyes shining along with them. He never understood why Jay always said he liked Jungwon’s eyes when Jay’s ones had the ability to draw someone in and never let go. Jungwon would know.
“Whatever, it’s his loss anyway,” Jungwon retorts, wondering how anyone could not fall for Jay. “You’ll find someone better.”
things you said under your breath that i didn’t catch
“I think I already have.”
things you said while we were driving
“You didn’t have to do that just now.”
Jungwon looks up from his phone to see Jay staring at him from the car seat in front, body twisting behind so he can see Jungwon. They had just finished filming a variety show and were on the way back to their dorms.
“The emcees were teasing you,” Jungwon shrugs. “I know you try to act like it doesn’t affect you, but your poker face sucks, hyung. I can read every thought in your brain by just glancing at you.”
“But you didn’t have to embarrass yourself in my place.”
“I wasn’t embarrassed, don’t worry.”
Jungwon looks back down at his phone to finish typing his message to his family group chat. He glances up to see Jay still staring at him with an expression Jungwon can’t decipher.
“Yes?” he asks, quizzically.
“Nothing,” Jay shakes his head. “Thanks wonnie.”
things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear
“I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for.”
Jungwon had come early to practise but didn’t expect Jay and Sunghoon to have the same idea. He almost bursts into the room but stops at the door when he hears his voice being mentioned. He knows he shouldn’t pry, but curiosity overcomes him.
“You won’t ruin anything,” Jungwon hears Sunghoon insist. ”I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. If Jungwon doesn’t feel the same way, then I’m leaving the group.”
“Well then, better be prepared to go back to ice skating!” Jay’s voice trails out and Jungwon hears scuffling and muffled shouts ensue.
He slowly backs away, questions filling his mind, but he shoves them in the back of his mind and decides to deal with them another day.
But for the next few days, Jungwon catches himself blushing whenever Jay stares at him a second too long. He catches himself unconsciously searching for Jay upon entering a room. He wonders what it means.
things you said in the spur of the moment
“I swear I could kiss you.”
Jungwon knows Jay isn’t being literal. They’re both sweat-drenched, tired from running through the same move over and over again; but happy that they finally nailed it and honestly, probably a little delirious.
He figures the blood rushing to Jay’s head from doing handstand after handstand, combined with the number of times Jungwon hit his own on the floor whenever Jay fails to hold him up has finally taken its toll on them.
“Then do it,” he blurts out.
He hears his own words leave his mouth before processing their possible consequences. The conversation he had overheard between Jay and Sunghoon had been whirling around his mind the past week, and simply he wants to see if Jay would act on it when given the opportunity.
But Jungwon knows better than to challenge Jay. Because once given a dare, Jay will ensure he completes it. And so, he does.
Jay is still hovering over Jungwon and his hand is still wrapped around the back of Jungwon’s neck from the position of the ending move, when he kisses him.
Jungwon has never kissed anyone before. He doesn’t know how. He usually averts his eyes when a kiss scene pops up in K-dramas. But Jay is so gentle and oh so slow that Jungwon feels himself letting go, and unconsciously melts into it. He lets Jay take the lead, forcing his eyes to close and trying not to focus on how hard his heart is beating.
Relaxing his entire body to the floor, Jay follows suit—balancing his weight on his knees by Jungwon’s sides, ensuring he doesn’t crush the younger boy below with his body weight. Though the haze of situation he’s suddenly in, Jungwon manages to marvel at how Jay’s first instinct is always to protect him.
It’s also evident in how Jay’s hands swiftly manoeuvres from Jungwon’s nape to the back of his head so Jungwon isn’t pressing it onto the hard floor. Every feeling is amplified, every thought magnified; and Jungwon feels like he might combust.
Jungwon comes to the conclusion while lying on the practice room floor with his group member at 2am exchanging soft closed-mouth kisses and shy giggles, that Jay is his safe space.
So this is what it means.
things you said after you kissed me
“I really like you, Yang Jungwon.”
Jungwon doesn’t know how much time has passed. He doesn’t want to check. He simply wants to stay in the moment with Jay alone, not worrying about anyone or anything else.
They’re lying on the practice room floor facing each other. Jay has his hand wrapped around Jungwon’s fist, pressing it close to his own chest. On any other day, Jungwon would be repulsed by the idea of lying on the dirty floor their shoes constantly tread on. But right now, he couldn’t care less.
“Really? I couldn’t tell,” Jungwon teases. It earns his knuckles a hard squeeze from Jay but the both of them are smiling. Jungwon doesn’t think either of them had stopped smiling since they first pulled away from the kiss.
“You know, I still have the letter you gave me during I-Land,” he suddenly recalls. “I haven’t taken it out of my backpack since.”
Jay recoils slightly. “Ew, why?” he cringes.
“To tease you…” Jungwon smirks, but then the corners of his mouth soften. “You called me your lifeline.”
Jay covers his face with his hands and groans, rolling away so he’s facing the ceiling. “I regret everything,” he moans.
“Am I still your lifeline?” Jungwon asks. There’s clear lightheartedness behind his voice, but deep down, his question is more than serious.
Jay uncovers his face slightly, eyes peering out through his fingers at Jungwon. “Now and forever more,” he replies, echoing back in the same tone.
things you said with the tv on mute
“Should we tell our manager? Or the company?”
Jungwon can sense that Jay has been harbouring this worry the entire day.
Two weeks after the confession and kiss, the pair had been avoiding the dreaded question of coming clean about their newly-established relationship. Their group members were of no worry since most of them had already known about the tension between Jungwon and Jay. However, it’s telling everyone else that scared them the most. And the pair have been avoiding discussing it till now.
They have been trying to watch a movie, yet Jay had seemed more invested in fiddling with the remote, rather than paying attention to the screen. Which is why Jungwon eventually snatched the remote control from him and muted the movie to ask him what’s wrong.
“Why do we have to? It’s our lives, they can’t stop us even if they disagree with our relationship.”
“Then what if other sources find out and leak our relationship or your sexuality? I don’t want you face any backlash-”
Jungwon cuts Jay off with a firm “I don’t care.” Jay tries to say something again but Jungwon clamps his lips together, earning a muffled yell from the older.
Jungwon places a quick peck on Jay’s still-clamped lips—an action he’s been slowly growing accustomed to, but still never fails to leave nervous butterflies in his stomach.
“I don’t care what anybody thinks or says,” Jungwon snuggles into Jay’s chest, feeling Jay’s hands card through his hair as Jay attempts to loosen up. “I just care about you.”
Jungwon hopes that’s enough.
things you said at the dining table
“Happy birthday, my love.”
The first thing Jungwon sees upon entering the dining room is a beaming Jay standing over a plate of crepes, platters of fresh fruits and other sauces surrounding the table.
“Did you make crepes?” he asks. The surprise he gets from Jay’s sweet gesture is enough to erase all his morning-drowsiness.
“Woke up at 7am for this,” Jay sheepishly grins. Jungwon just wants to kiss Jay for this, but he has yet to brush his teeth. It’s a painful deterrent.
“Where’s the rest of the members?” Jungwon asks, looking around bewildered. It’s only now when it dawns on him how quiet and peaceful the dorm is.
“I kicked them out of the house,” Jay shrugs. “Gave them money to go to an internet cafe so we’d have the place to ourselves.”
“And how long have you bribed them to stay out for?”
“Hopefully till dinner. I have a whole indoor date itinerary planned for us, so I’ll jam the door shut if any one of them tries to come back in.”
Jungwon laughs in disbelief.
When he joins Jay at the dining table after brushing his teeth, shovelling warm crepes in his mouth and laughing at the faces Jay attempts to make on his crepes with chocolate syrup; he wonders what he did in his past life to get so lucky.
things you said while holding my hand in private
“It’s honestly kind of scary how much you mean to me. I never knew a person could hold such weight over my heart.”
Jungwon isn’t a verbally sappy person. He isn’t good with words, especially expressing himself via them.
Thankfully, Jay understands. He doesn’t force Jungwon to say “I love you" back when he doesn’t feel ready. He doesn’t get insulted when Jungwon doesn’t say anything to his words of affection.
Jungwon cringes at the thought of saying anything overly-romantic back, so he simply squeezes Jay’s fingers that are wrapped around his own, and plants a kiss to his knuckles. He sees Jay smile and he’s grateful Jay understands.
“You’re so important to me, Yang Jungwon. I’d do anything to keep you safe.”
“Shut up,” Jungwon jokes, rolling his eyes. “I’m not a maiden in need of protecting by some knight in shining armour.”
“You’re right,” Jay agrees to Jungwon’s surprise. “You’re just a boy I love who I’d sacrifice everything for.”
There it is. The L word again. It dances on the tip of his tongue and Jungwon chokes it down.
Not now, he thinks. Jungwon is sure they have all the time in the world for him to build up the courage to say it back. But for now, actions will do.
He shuts Jay up with a kiss. It works.
things you said when you were drunk
“Where is that?”
Jay points to a picture framed on the bar’s walls.
“It’s Santorini, Greece,” Jungwon replies, instinctively leaning into Jay’s side who has his arm haphazardly slung around Jungwon’s waist.
“We’re getting married there,” he decidedly nods through his drunken stupor.
“Oh, are we now?” Jungwon asks, amused. He glances down at the half-empty glass of soju in front of him, and then to the two empty bottles in front of Jay with an internal sigh, glad that he decided to be the responsible one for tonight.
“Yes and you’re going to make me the luckiest man alive,” Jay shoots up from his seat, mildly shocking Jungwon. “I’m the luckiest man alive!” he hollers, arms raised in the air, and Jungwon blushes profusely as other patrons stare, forcing a flushed Jay to sit back down.
He doesn’t know whether he’s blushing more from Jay’s words or the unwanted attention brought upon them.
“I shouldn’t have let you drink so much,” Jungwon mutters, pushing all the available alcohol further from Jay’s reach.
Jay however, has seemed to have dropped all care for the alcohol. “Do you not want to marry me?” he asks, almost pouting. Jungwon knows Jay is intoxicated and not in full control of his speech. But is a drunk man’s words not a sober man’s thoughts?
As he stares straight into Jay’s blown-out pupils, redness tinging his cheeks and ears, lips pursed while waiting for Jungwon’s reply; Jungwon realises that he has seen and experienced almost every side of Jay—the drunk, the sleepy, the good when he’s laughing so hard he throws his head back as his eyes turn into crescent slits, as well as the bad where eye-bags hang from his eyes and his hair goes unwashed for a couple days straight.
Jungwon loves every single side he’s seen of Jay. He wants—no, needs,—to experience them all and see even more.
“One day,” Jungwon promises. He knows it’s impossible, and Jay would’ve known it too if he had one less bottle of soju. Yet, he lets himself drown in the moment of an ecstatic Jay burying his face in Jungwon’s shoulder to muffle his slurred whoops of glee.
things you said that made me feel real
“I was a billion little pieces, till you pulled me into focus,” Jay hums softly, tracing the lines on Jungwon’s face. “Astronomy in reverse, it was me who was discovered.”
Jungwon loves when Jay is in this particular mood—quiet and brooding, millions of thoughts running through his brain and picking out any one to say out loud without overthinking or hesitance.
Sometimes it’s a random fact not many know, or a question sparking a debate on how the universe worked. And sometimes its song lyrics that suddenly pop into his head. Either way, there is innocent wonder in his eyes that Jungwon wishes he could bottle and keep forever.
It’s times like this when Jungwon just wants to stay silent and hear Jay’s comforting voice talk about anything and everything.
“What song is that from?” Jungwon prompts in a hushed voice, matching Jay’s own. He’s grown accustomed enough to Jay’s habits to know when a song is stuck in his head.
“Venus by Sleeping At Last,” Jay answers. “Was listening to it today and the lyrics made me think of you.”
“How so?” Jungwon questions. His tone remains neutral but his chest feels oh so warm. He doesn’t think it was possible for a human body to feel so much for just one person.
“You ground me,” Jay simply says, oblivious to the effect his words has on Jungwon. “The best parts of me are owned by you. You remind me of who I am and who I can be… in fact, I don’t know who I’d be without you.”
If humans could melt, Jungwon thinks he’d be a puddle.
things you said through gritted teeth and clenched fists
“That’s bullshit, you can’t do that.”
In all honesty, Jungwon’s rather terrified. Surprisingly, not because of the situation, but instead of what Jay might do.
The thing is, Jay rarely gets mad. Sure, he raises his voice at the rest of the members when they place their dirty shoes on his designer ones. But it has always been mainly annoyance, and never once stemmed from a place of true anger.
Annoyed Jay was loud and made sure everyone knew his thoughts. Angry Jay was silent—voice neutral but with an underlying dangerous tone. Annoyed Jay showed his feelings clear on his face. Angry Jay was a brick wall Jungwon couldn’t read even if he tried.
And it was all because Jay and Jungwon took the risk one night at 4am after sneaking out of their hotel room to share a chaste kiss mid-walk back, thinking no one else was around because it was dead in the night in a rural area and that no one would recognise them since they were in a foreign country.
It wasn’t long before photos the sasaeng somehow took circulated across social media and hate comments began flooding in.
Thankfully, it was dark, the angle was weird, and Jay’s hood was up. But Jungwon’s face was clear in frame, illuminated under the street light. And it was obvious Jay’s frame was male.
What originally was a cute moment of Jungwon complaining his nose was frozen from the cold and Jay kissing it for warmth, turned into a moment that would forever leave a sour taste in his mouth.
“It’ll be a temporary hiatus,” their manager says. “Jungwon needs to be out of the spotlight for a few weeks until the rumours die down… they are rumours, right?”
Jungwon can feel his heart beating in his throat. He feels like he might throw up. Thankfully, Jay helps speak on his behalf.
“Yes,” he spits out. “Jungwon would never do anything to risk his or Enhypen’s image. I was with him in the hotel room that night and I didn’t see him leave the hotel once.”
“Good, then it’s settled. The company will find a way to prove the images are forged and sue the sasaeng for intentional defamation. Spreading false dating rumours are one thing, but pretending to out an idol is next level. It may be fake but for now, Jungwon does his part in not bringing down the group’s image any further by going on a long break. Headquarters decision is final.”
“But our concert? It’s still ongoing, we can’t do it without Jungwon.”
“Fans are already mass-demanding a refund for their tickets and some are even sending death threats. Do you really want Jungwon to risk his safety for fans’ entertainment, Jay?”
Jungwon can almost see the gears turning in Jay’s brain. He truly wishes he could speak up for himself, but he’s left shellshocked.
“Fine,” Jay eventually caves. He leaves the office wordlessly, dragging Jungwon along with him by the wrist.
Jungwon’s hiatus carries through almost immediately. The next day, he’s sent back to Korea while the remaining six Enhypen members perform the rest of their act across the globe.
things you said with many miles in between us
“I miss you.”
Jungwon has spent the past two weeks crying. He’s so drained, he assumes his body must have eventually hit its peak for producing tears.
But the moment he hears Jay’s soft voice coming through his phone’s tinny speakers pressed up against his ear, Jungwon immediately feels the tears threatening to spill once again.
“How was the concert today?” Jungwon asks. “Singapore, was it?” It’s become a routine. Jay calls Jungwon every night after his schedule, beginning the call with an “I miss you”. Jungwon asks about his day. Jay says it isn’t the same without him around.
This time, however, Jay breaks the norm. “It should’ve been me,” he suddenly changes the topic. “Every day I wish my face had been exposed instead of yours.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jungwon simply says. He doesn’t know how else to respond.
Jay is silent and for a second, Jungwon thinks they lost connection.
“I have to go… I wish we could talk more, but today’s extra busy…“ Jay eventually speaks up. “I’ll call you tomorrow okay?”
“It’s fine… Just hearing your voice for a while is enough.” Jungwon doesn’t know if he’s trying more to convince Jay or convince himself.
The moment he hears the sudden cut-off of white noise signalling Jay had hung up, Jungwon is left feeling emptier than before.
things you didn’t say at all
Jungwon can feel Jay staring at him.
They’re lazing on Jay’s bed doing their own thing—Jungwon’s back propped up against the pillow against the headrest while Jay lies at the foot of the bed, head leaning against the wall.
Jungwon simply stares back blinking, but Jay doesn’t once. He glances at the phone held loosely in Jay’s hands and sees a video of Jungwon himself—it’s a fancam, but Jay doesn’t seem to be paying attention to it anymore. His expression is indecipherable as he keeps his focus on Jungwon, and Jungwon’s brows furrow.
“Yes?” he asks, but Jay doesn’t reply. For a second, Jungwon wonders if Jay has fallen asleep with his eyes open. But Jay is clearly focused on Jungwon’s face and there is clear thought behind his pupils—Jungwon simply can’t figure out what it is.
He doesn’t know why, but it feels different from the past times Jay’s eyes silently roamed his frame, slowly taking him in as if he couldn’t believe Jungwon was real, that Jungwon was really his. This time, Jay’s eyes hold something different in them and for once, Jungwon isn’t able to predict his thoughts.
It leaves a weird sensation in Jungwon’s stomach but he brushes it off by throwing a pillow at Jay’s direction. The older catches it with a laugh and the sombre moment breaks, as if it never happened.
things you said while holding my hand in public
“Not here,” Jay mutters through his teeth, looking away from Jungwon’s direction when Jungwon attempts to re-interlace their fingers together after Jay hastily let go the moment they left their dorm building.
Jungwon tells himself that it’s not big of a deal, yet he awkwardly rubs his bare hands together as if the action could erase the rejection he just faced.
He wants to reassure Jay that there’s no other soul besides them traversing the alleyway, but he knows it’ll be of no use.
Jungwon finds it ironic, really. He doesn’t think he and Jay act any different from now as compared to before they began dating. Yet now, they’re on edge with everything they do or say—especially in public. Because now, the stakes are higher. One wrong move causes the dominos to fall and everything they’ve worked so hard for crumbles.
Jungwon isn’t well-versed on love and relationships, but one thing he thought was for certain was that after the riskiest part of confessing was over and done with, everything else after would come easy.
Yet, why does his relationship with Jay feel like it’s going backwards?
things you said too quietly
“I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
They’re in the living room, Jay playing some choice-based story game on the console while Jungwon sits on the opposite end of the couch on his phone. He looks up at the television to see Jay’s game character in the midst of a forlorn farewell with a side character.
“Do I have to let you go?” Jay mutters as he reads the subtitles on the screen, echoing his character’s words.
Jungwon looks back down at his phone and pretends not to notice Jay glancing at him from the corner of his eye.
things you said before i woke up
“I love you… so much,” Jay whispers, running his left hand through Jungwon’s hair.
Although Jungwon often removes himself from Jay’s grip in the middle of the night mid-cuddling due to the excess of body heat, Jay doesn’t let Jungwon leave his grasp that whole night. In fact, he coddles Jungwon for hours, whispering sweet nothings into his ear until their eyelids are both unable to stay open.
As sunlight streams in through the gaps of their curtains, Jay plants a soft kiss on Jungwon’s temple and slowly shimmies his right arm out from under Jungwon’s neck, untangling himself from the younger.
When the sun has fully risen, Jungwon wakes up alone to an empty bed.
things you said after it was over
Nothing.
For someone who is usually good with words, Jay for once, has absolutely nothing else to add on to the heavy statement he just laid on Jungwon.
“When did you stop fighting for what you wanted?” Jungwon swallows hard. His body feels numb and he wills himself not to cry as he holds eye contact with Jay. Even though he’s cried so many times before in front of Jay, crying this once makes him feel weak—so, he holds it in and lets the space between his eyes grow hot.
“When I realised your needs are more important than my wants.”
Jungwon stills. He stares at Jay standing just as rigid in front of him, glosses over the sharp jawline he used to trail kisses down that is now clenched, the hands—currently curled into fists—that used to touch him like he was made of porcelain; and wonders when did Jay start seeming so unfamiliar.
“I nee-“ he begins to say.
It’s as if Jay can hear his thoughts, because he cuts Jungwon off. “You don’t need me.”
The habit sparks familiarity within him. But it’s through this, Jungwon realises Jay’s actions haven’t changed at all. His words simply did.
things you said that made me feel like shit
“Stop.”
Jungwon always secretly imagined the way Jay would act the moment he finally confessed those three words out loud. Smile? Tear up? Jump for joy? Shout in glee? Kiss him till they both couldn’t breathe? There were a few possible scenarios he had in mind, but Jay telling him to stop with such venom in his voice was certainly not on his list.
“I love you,” Jungwon repeats. He doesn’t care what Jay says. He wants—no, needs—Jay to hear it. To understand it.
“You can’t,” Jay utters out, sounding defeated.
Jungwon stands his ground. “You can’t tell me what I can or cannot feel.”
Jay stares at Jungwon, as if taking him in slowly. “I know,” he whispers. “That’s why I have to do this. For you.”
things you said that i wish you hadn’t
“I’m not tired,” Jay answers when Heeseung offers the bathroom to him to use next after Jungwon had insisted on going last. “I wanna catch up on my text messages first anyway.”
Heeseung stares confusedly at Jungwon who’s the only other person in the living room with them, before shrugging and leaving to his own room to blow-dry his wet hair.
It’s just Jay and Jungwon left in the living room, sitting on opposite ends of the couch at nearly 3am. Jungwon doesn’t remember the couch being this big.
Jungwon looks at Jay, but he’s too concentrated on the screen in his hands. Although Jungwon does note that Jay doesn’t seem to be texting, instead aimlessly swiping through apps and trying to seem busy. He also notes how Jay keeps turning his head away to hide the fact that he’s yawning.
Jungwon’s heart pangs. The moment he turns on the shower head, he lets his tears fall and sobs ricochet the linoleum bathroom tiles.
As time goes on, he learns to ignore the ways Jay’s hands automatically shoot out to support him when he trips, glosses over how Jay habitually indirectly pushes him to walk nearer to the inside of the sidewalk by first walking nearer to the roadside, and pretends he doesn’t notice when Jay stops himself from sitting beside him at every occasion.
Old habits die hard, and Jungwon thinks he’ll follow suit when they finally cease.
things you said that you didn’t mean
“I’m glad we’re where we are at now.”
Enhypen’s popularity skyrockets even further when they release their tenth comeback which prompts certain members solo debuts, including Jungwon’s which helps him win Song of the Year for his solo debut.
For all netizens are sure of, Yang Jungwon is a rising all-rounder idol with a spotless track record except for the one time he was falsely outed by sasaengs who had spread edited photos of him with another man. But they’re all rumours from the past, because Jungwon is dependable, faultless, and straight.
He becomes the most popular Enhypen member and known for being the idol who successfully overcame defamation rumours, with a strong fanbase supporting his every move. He’s never seen his face plastered this many times on train stations in this many cities before.
The hand of time has moulded them both well. Jay’s already sharp features has somehow grown even more chiseled. And Jungwon himself has eventually grown out of his baby fat.
Time has passed, it’s clear in both their appearances and characters. They’re no longer dumb starry-eyed teenagers dealing with unexplainable feelings bigger than themselves.
“Me too,” Jungwon lies.
things you said that i’ll never forget
“In each different life I live, I hope I find you in every single one of them.”
Jungwon rolls his eyes. It’s sappy and corny and so Jay. He loves it. He thinks he loves everything that comes out of Jay’s mouth.
Always the realist, Jungwon interjects, “Just because you find me doesn’t mean you get to keep me.”
“I’ll fight for you,” Jay says without hesitation. “You’re my lifeline and you know nothing could ever make me stop loving you.”
Jungwon doesn’t know. But he trusts Jay. He loves Jay. Jungwon hopes that’s enough.