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"...In his shower" Beverly was on the phone, talking to Stanley's wife, trying to see if he was okay. God, he hopes he's okay and that thing was lying to them "He died in the shower, right?"
"Richie, honey..." He heard Beverly talking behind him, her voice full of that sadness he knew very well "Richie, Eddie's dead..."
After they got their memories back, he thought that maybe that feeling would stop. He thought that maybe everything else would be easier to face, they had each other again and that stupid fucking clown wouldn't be hard to destroy. Richie never thought that he'd be alone again, he never thought he'd feel like that again after having his friends around. Deep down he knew that after everything they faced, after every trauma they got from that creepy clown back in 1989 and now, nothing would be like before. Nothing would go back to normal or at least what they thought was. Their lives changed a lot
Bill was, after a very long time, writing stuff that had actually good endings; Mike got his chance to leave Derry, got his chance to live a life he always wanted to; Ben and Beverly were going slow with their relationship, they were knowing each other again after almost thirty years. They were happy, or at least trying to be happy and trying to forget about every event they faced in 89' and now.
But what about him? It wasn't fair, everyone had someone but him... It's not fair how alone he felt all the time. It's not fair to Richie, why did he have to lose everything? He didn't have his best friend by his side like Bill and Mike did, he didn't have the love of his life like Ben and Bev. He only got more lonely than he was all these years.
After the events that day, he didn't open up about why he almost stayed with Eddie when the house was falling. He didn't open up about why he stayed with his clothes in his car and left for California. Richie didn't open up for months about Eddie's death. He couldn't bring himself to talk about losing someone that meant the world to him for years, even when he stopped remembering his face and every memory together.
Just like Stanley's death. He never brought up the fact that he went to the Uris' house and talked to his wife and parents, not knowing how to explain what happened to their friendship over the years. He didn't want to talk about how it felt when he heard Beverly's voice in that call with Patty. Richie just couldn't bring himself to talk about how much he wanted to know Stan in his adult years.
He just missed the only people that mattered to him and cried himself to sleep, just like he did as a kid when he had a bad day and was all alone at home. He missed them like he was a little kid that was missing his mom at a sleepover in a friend's house.
Mike was the first to reach out and talk to Richie. He was honest about how worried the losers were, about how they didn't hear from him and always thought the worst scenario they could because they knew Richie was going through a hard time after everything.
He didn't say much. He just made some stupid jokes that made Mike get more worried about him. In the end they talked about other stuff, they laughed and they drank like old friends were supposed to do, but Richie knew that the worry was still there and that Mike would try again next week. They'd make him talk one way or another.
Mike called every day, just to check in, just to show a nice view in a nice place, just to show a new food he cooked in his new house in Indiana. They knew why he was calling, they never brought it up. Richie stopped picking up and Mike started calling every other day, until he only called on weekends and they only talked when the other actually picked up.
The next one was Beverly. She was the worst. She wasn't fine either (none of them were after all), she had a sad smile and bags under her eyes. She slept in his house to try to make everything more comfortable for him, but they never really talked about why Richie wore Eddie's hoodie almost every morning and why Stanley's letter was pinned in his freezer like a kid's drawing.
It's not like she didn't try talking to him, but man, Beverly was a mess too. She had her divorce going on and the media on her ass trying to get every piece of information they could about her relationship with her ex husband. So, Richie tried to make it about her, he asked about the divorce, asked about Ben, asked about new collections the brand was making and if he could have a new suit for free from her.
They made each other laugh like they were kids, like when they went to the movie theater and threw popcorn at Bower's gang. They talked about Ben and their relationship, he asked her about her new house and how she was dealing with everything. Beverly asked him about his shows and interviews but didn't bring up Eddie or Stanley's death.
After a week, she left. She was more happy than when she first showed up to his door with a tired face. They hugged and she promised to call and talk about anything when she wasn't fine, he agreed and said he'd do the same. Both of them knew they were lying.
A month later Bill called him and asked him to dinner with him and his wife. Richie wanted to say no, but he knew that if he did that, the other would show up to his door and make himself at home. He knew he'd try to talk about them. It was a trap, like he knew it would be. Audra wasn't there and they had pizza for dinner. Just like he did with Bev and Mike. God, he loved his friends but they were so predictable.
Bill tried to be respectful, tried to make everything more comfortable for him than he actually needed. They talked a lot about movies and stand up comedy, and talked shit about stars they met in their lives. He tried to bring Eddie and Stan's topic to the conversation but Richie avoided everything and pretended he was paying attention to the movie (was it Dirty Dancing? The new Fast and Furious? He didn't actually know).
And just like the other two, he gave up. Richie left in the morning with calls and meetings promises he wouldn't keep and Bill knew. He knew but didn't stop trying to call him and set another meeting with everyone. Richie didn't pick up his calls just like he didn't pick Mike's and Bev's.
After a while it seemed like they stopped trying to understand Richie. They still called some days, they went after him to see if he was fine (and in a silent agreement: alive), if he was eating correctly, if his work was fine and all that stupid worried friends situation they had months ago.
Richie liked it. He liked knowing they cared enough about him that they'd be there all the time, waiting for him to speak and he did want to. But he didn't know which words to use, he didn't know how to express himself about all of that situation without them trying to be his therapist - the one he started seeing after he left Bill's house.
So they - his friends and therapist - waited until he was ready to talk, until his mind stopped making him forget words and started making him a mess of emotions. He'd be angry at himself, then happy to be alive, then he wouldn't say anything at all, sometimes he cried at therapy but never with his friends. He knew Janet wouldn't make him talk, the losers would. Richie wasn't ready. He didn't think he'd ever be ready.
The last person to reach out was Ben, with a soft smile and comforting eyes that looked deep down your soul. But maybe Bev made him go there, after all it had been months since it started and Ben wasn't there. Maybe he just thought Richie was lonely and needed attention just like when they were kids and no one looked at him when he talked. Maybe he knew he missed the others and didn't know what to do with all the dumb feelings he had.
Ben took Richie to his house, they sat together at his couch and watched old movies and ate candy and fast food like they were kids in a sleepover. He never pressured Richie to talk about Eddie or Stan or anything at all, he stayed there with him until the movie was over and they had nothing else to do. He stayed with him until they went to bed and he cried like a baby.
And that's when he actually opened up about it all, about his grief, about how Eddie's wife treated them when they went after her to tell about his death, about how Stanley's dad remembered him and no one could talk about their childhood because it would hurt even more. Ben heard him say everything that was in his heart and cried with him until both fell asleep with their faces red and puffy.
The next morning he woke up feeling as if a weight had been lifted from his heart. He felt lighter than the day before, but it still hurt, everything was still too heavy. Ben didn't say anything about yesterday's events and he mentally thanked him, he didn't know whether to cry more or make some silly joke just to change the focus and make everything else uncomfortable for him.
But Ben didn't pressure him to talk, he pretended everything was okay and Richie felt grateful for that. He didn't know how to deal with tears again. When Richie left, Ben hugged him and only broke the hug when he first wanted to. When he was in his house he could still feel strong hands and arms around him, he was still feeling Ben's cologne and voice whispering that he was going to be okay.
He didn't. After months and what seemed a year, Richie stopped picking up when the losers called, he took a break from stand up and went somewhere only his manager and Ben knew - haystack probably told the others, but he caught himself not minding if they knew. He just wanted to be alone somewhere, away from the stress his house caused, away from people aware of the demoniac clown he - they - fought twice. So he went to the only place his mind wanted to go: Derry, Maine.
Richie went to the only place he felt like home. A weird feeling for a place he always hated and always wanted to leave. Derry was the worst city he'd been, it had memories, sounds, places he loved and other stuff he didn't want to think about. Derry had Eddie and Stan.
First he went to the synagogue. He looked around remembering Stan's bar mitzvah and his words, he remembered how they laughed afterwards in his room. None of the losers but him showed up, he liked to think Stanley liked that only he was there. They were friends first and had a connection that no one had. Man, he would always miss Stanley's laugh and face. He was the best.
Then, after crying in front of a kid, he went to the clubhouse. He cried a little more there. Alone in a place full of mud that wasn't very healthy or good. That made him think about Stan and his worry abou spiders in their hair, he thought of Eddie and his rant about how unhealthy that place was and how sick they'd get while inside that place. He remembered how, even with all their worries and complaints, they were always the first ones to show up and the last ones to leave
He knew about Eddie's home life, his mom was an awful bitch that made him that pile of anxiety and worry. The losers and the clubhouse gave him a feeling of freedom, just like he did with Richie. They gave him hope about a good future, about a good life without his mom's craziness surrounding him. They had plans back in '89, plans of running away from Derry and meeting new places; plans of never looking back to a dark past they had. He missed when times were easy and when they thought they were heroes and not just some dumb traumatic kids trying to find excuses or explanations for the natural order of life.
Stanley was the smartest in the group, he knew stuff and knew how to talk about them. He was smarter than Bill, even though the losers disagreed with that, Richie knew it was true. Stan was smart and tough, but who wouldn't be after a fucking paint tried to eat your soul or whatever happened. He once talked about it to Richie, saying the paint showed him a future, a good one, but in the end he'd die alone and feeling cold. He said he wasn't scared of death, it was a natural thing and would happen to everyone one day. He was scared of not being able to say goodbye to his loved ones - his mom, dad, wife, his best friend. He said goodbye, even though a letter isn't a great thing, he said his goodbyes to everyone that matters to him.
Eddie didn't say goodbye. Eddie didn't have a chance to write a letter to his wife, trying to explain about a killer clown back in his hometown. He didn't say goodbye to any of his friends, which dragged him to the end of his life. He didn't say goodbye and that was scary, because maybe he could be alive if he took his time to say he loved... To say he loved his wife and his friends.
Richie didn't say his goodbye.