Chapter Text
So basically aku fucks up and atsushi spirals lmfao basically the author projecting onto atsushi
TW!!: Self harm and suicide are in this chapter
()- atsushi thinking
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On a random typical day, where atsushi and akutagawa argue every 5 seconds, dazai sent them on a shopping trip because he was “trying to find another volume” of his suicide book. The item list was simple: ranpos snacks, gauze, scalpels, bandage rolls, printer paper, and sanitary products.
The issue was that Akutagawa had to make everything extra because of dazai. For example, they went to a specialized snack shop that consisted of overly priced crackers and chocolate. Atsushi insisted that ranpo liked junk food snacks. When Akutagawa caught wind that not everything was for dazai, he finally backed down.
And now, at the pharmacy both of them arguing about which bandaid rolls to get for dazai.
“Stop being so stupid jinko just get these ones”
“But dazai likes quantity over quality”
“Well just get more of these then”
“No. Their way too expensive and remember akutagawa, this is coming out of my wallet you know.”
“Ha, that stupid detective agency doesn’t pay you well I assume.”
“At least I’m not killing people for money”
“At least I’m not almost homeless poor”
“HEY! I'm not almost homeless poor. Im comfortable and don’t need a huge apartment complex to flex”
“Sure jinko your just jealous”
“Jealous? Whos actually jealous here akutagawa”
Atsushi had seemed to have struck a nerve in akutagawa.
“... well at least I wasn't kicked out of my orphanage and left to die. You really are useless jinko no wonder the headmaster treated you the way he did. If he were still alive right now I would go over and thank him.” Akutagawa growls
When akutagawa had finally saw atsushi’s face, he knew he absolutely fucked up. Atsushi’s face was curved into a twisted sickening smile and tears welled up in his eyes.
“You're right.” Atsushi whispered “I am.”
Then atsushi continued his shopping like nothing happened while akutagawa stood there in shock. Atsushi was quiet for the rest of the time and finished as fast as possible. His head hung low and on the way out, atsushi barely whispered, “Thank you akutagawa.” And slowly shuffled away back to the ada.
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Atsushi left work early from kunikida telling him off and sending him home due to looking sick. He sat in silence ever since he got home. He doesn’t know how long he's been staring at the wall but he knows it's been more than 2 hours.
From his view, he's been reliving life since the age of 6. The abuse, the hitting, the yelling, the isolation. It’s all coming back to him full force and he just needs someone to snap him out. But he knows that Kyoka isn’t going to come back until 8 because she's going to hang out with Naomi and Kenji to get crepes.
Plus, he doesn’t deserve to be helped. His tiger has started to growl as he spirals from his own thoughts. He hasn’t eaten anything. Just sitting in darkness. Atsushi then remembers he snuck a scalpel and gauze from the bag before he left. Maybe this could be a way for him to escape without getting help.
He finally gets up and sees the clock. 6:27. He's been sitting down for almost 4 hours. Atsushi wobbles to the bathroom and gets his supplies. He sits in the shower and contemplates. Atsushi then rips the packaging and gets to work. By the end, blood is running down the drain and atsushi is happily drifting off into a deep slumber.
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Atsushi wakes up to loud knocks on the bathroom door. (Oh fuck. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT. )
“Atsushi, are you in there?” Kyoka asks with concern in her voice “Are you ok?”
“I'm fine Kyoka-chan” atsushi croaks “just give me a second”
Atsushi starts to wash off all the dried blood and cleans the cuts. He then wraps his thighs and removes any evidence of this ever happening.
Sooner or later he gets out and sees Kyoka sitting in the kitchen. Her face is a mix between worry and sadness. They sit in silence for a while. Atsushi just stares at the ground and counts the cracks.
Kyoka finally breaks the silence. She starts to bombard him with questions like, “what were you doing?” “Did you fall asleep?” “Are you hurt?” “Did anything bad happen?” and lots more. He just vaguely answered them with yes and no replies. Eventually he just said he was tired after a long day and went into the cupboard.
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After tossing and turning in fear of nightmares he decided to sneak out and take a walk. So there he was, walking on the streets in the dead of night. Wandering around like he was lost. He eventually ended up at a bar. It was called “bar lupin”. He remembers this place. When dazai went missing, he found him at this bar. Intrigued, he went inside.
The bar was small and quiet. I mean, it was practically the dead of night. Atsushi was surprised that it was even open though.
Atsushi just sat there until a bartender came over. He was old and very polite yet quiet. He asked atsushi what he would like to drink and atsushi asked for water.
After 30 minutes of sitting in silence, the place began to fill up. Two people came in, both people being redheads. He recognised one as being the lady who was a motherly figure to Kyoka. He remembers her name also started with k.( Kyoa? No. Kana? No. Kyouyou? Maybe? Kouyou? Yes. So there was Kouyou and A shorter person with red hair. He remembers seeing him when he jumped from the plane when they were fighting the guild. Huh. So they are from the Port mafia.)
…………
(OH FUCK. That means I’m in port mafia territory. Shit. Fuck. wait. Since they didn’t notice me when they entered, maybe I can just chill out here and mind my own business? Ok yeah ok sounds like a plan. Hopefully none of them recognise me. )
The shorter redhead goes up to the counter and asks for a bottle of wine. He then turns and starts walking. (huh I wonder if he’s leaving. Wait. No. he’s walking towards me. Shit. Ok, be calm. As long as you don’t seem threatening he probably won’t hurt me? Hopefully.)
“Hey, what are you doing here at 3 in the morning?” The redhead asks.
“Oh um I just couldn’t sleep and so I just walked around Yokohama until I got here.” Atsushi said with a small tremble in his voice
(Oh fuck I hope he doesn’t notice)
Sadly, to atsushi’s luck the redhead did notice.
“Hey are you scared or just cold? Cause I don’t think I’m that terrifying kid.”
“Sorry I just realized I’m in port mafia territory. If you want me to leave I mean I can. I didn’t mean to offend you. If you need me to leave, feel free to tell me and if you are concerned with me hearing anything secret you can just…..”
“Woah woah kid calm down I’m just starting conversation no need to be worked up”. The redhead smiled at him. Smiled. Atsushi was probably just tired and sensitive but he started to tear up a bit in relief and happiness that he wasn’t getting punished.
“Kid, why are you crying?” The redhead asks, his face contorted in confusion.
“Sorry I thought you were going to hit me or something” atsushi mumbles, his face looking down in shame and embarrassment
“What? Who said that I was going to fucking hit you huh? It must have been that shitty mackerel making shit up about me to his subordinates.” The redhead growls “Stupid shitty dazai next time I see him I will kill him.”
“Uhh do you know me?” Atsushi asks
“Yeah you're that jinko kid. Akutagawa never shuts up about you. Jinko this, jinko that. I mean Akutagawa’s just straight up being annoying. Oh! Shit right, the names Nakahara Chuuya but you can just call me chuuya.” Chuuya says.
“Oh right. My name is Atsushi. Nice to meet you chuuya-san.”
Eventually chuuya invites kouyou over and they start a conversation. It was really random and pretty much just small talk. Chuuya manages to convince atsushi to have some wine and then it’s one glass down, then another, and another, and another until atsushi is starting to slur his words.
“Soh why are youuuuu out here so late?” chuuya says
“Ohhhh ummmm I got really bad flashbacks and couldn’t sleep like half of them were the headmaster of my orphanage and he like hit me a ton and I didn’t even kno why until he diedddd. Which was like ummmm a month ago?? So ya and I’m pissed off at myself because I can’t controllll my ability and need shachou’s ability to help with mine so It doesn’t like consume me?” He rants out unaware of the tears trailing down his cheeks and his voice cracking.
“Wait. you also can’t control your ability?” Chuuya suddenly snaps out
“Yeahh why?” Atsushi asks
“Damn im sorry kid hey heres my phone number if you ever need it.” Chuuya suddenly slips out a card
“Ohhh thanks” atsushi replies
“Yeahhhh no problem” chuuya says suddenly going back to his drunken state “althso kid I hafta go back now cause of work bye bye”
“Ok byeeeee” atsushi says weakly
And soon it went back to a silent bar.
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After drowning in sadness and sobering up a bit, Atsushi decided to walk around some more. It was maybe 5am now? But he eventually wound up buying a large bottle of pills. Atsushi felt hopeless so he eventually popped it open and bought some water. He then just started eating them like candy. Sure it didn't taste good but at least it was a relief to his cravings. And then he decided in his sleepy state to text a couple people. Goodbye and thanks to dazai, I love you to kyoka, etc.
Sooner or later atsushi blacked out.
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***ada pov
Oh fuck.
Shit
Shit
Shit
SHIT
The ada was in an emergency meeting as all of them had received a concerning text involving atsushi. Everyone in the ada had one and everyone was scared. They had no idea where Atsushi was and whether or not he was even alive. They all scrambled to put two and two together in order to find him. Even ranpo was concerned because he had an idea of what happened but didn't know atsushi’s location.
Eventually Fukuzawa ordered them to just go around Yokohama to find him.
To be continued…