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People have different takes on the happiest moment in their lives. For some people, it’s when they got their hands on a limited edition Hermes handbag. For mothers, it’s when they hear the first cry of their baby. For some final year college students, it starts when their research proposal is approved. For some office workers, it’s when Fridays come. For some other people, it’s when they find the door or window is unlocked, and that the things they’re looking for are in a wide-open place. Ask some burglars for that.
For Jaemin, it’s when he captures a beautiful (use that word, ‘beautiful’, when you meet him) object with his camera. For Mark, it's when he eats watermelon. For Donghyuck, it’s when he gets to annoy Renjun to the point he’s about to throw hands. For Chenle, it’s when he gets to play basketball. And for Jisung, it’s when he gets to eat ramyeon at night.
For Renjun?
It’s him .
Fuck. It’s just 7 in the morning and the first thing that invades his mind is Jeno. His first breath intake, and it absorbs Jeno’s name into his mind, flowing like blood in his veins.
Renjun is so hopeless. And helpless. And sappy.
Why did he even have to fall in love with Jeno in the first place?
Well, honestly, if any of you try to ask Renjun, the only answer you’ll get from him is a shrug of shoulders and, “Because he is Jeno.” Believe it or not, his closest friend in the group, Donghyuck, has asked him so many times, and still receives the same answer. Hell, Donghyuck has lost count already on how he feels like pulling his hair every time he asks Renjun the same question. And he still tries to take another shot, wishing for a different answer from Renjun, on one lunch date with him.
“No, listen to me. You never fell for a man like him before. I know your rap sheet, there was never a man with the spec like him before. He’s not a student body president, he’s not some guitarist from some indie band, he’s obviously not a banker, he’s surely not a married man with two ki–”
“Hey, I didn’t know he was married! He was just 3 years older than us.”
Donghyuck looks at Renjun with disbelief. “Fuck that, he always wore his ring when he took you for a check-in session.”
Renjun widens his eyes and slaps Donghyuck’s shoulder. “We never fucked, oh my God! He only took me to eat fancy foods, shopping, and drive around the town. Mind you, his wife was never in the country.” Renjun sips his white wine. “Besides, I immediately cut it off when I saw how happy he was when he was on the phone with his kids. I… couldn’t possibly take that happiness away from them, right?”
“Were you happy?”
“I was, of course. He was very royal, very good at kissing, very good at forepl–”
Donghyuck waves his hand quickly in front of Renjun’s face, making him laugh. “Too much TMI, ew. What I meant is, were you happy with him?”
“I was, Hyuck. He gave me his all when he was with me. He focused on me, on how to make me laugh, on how to make me give him my widest smile, he made me feel… wanted.”
“Exactly, Jun. That’s what love is supposed to be. That’s how love is supposed to make you feel.” Silence follows his sentence for a second. “Why are you so fixated on Jeno?”
Renjun looks at Donghyuck.
“Don’t give me another shit of ‘Because it’s Jeno.’ Give me a reason. A solid reason. You can’t possibly fall into a saint-spec type of guy like him when all these times you’ve fallen into the demon's hole. What is it with him?”
Renjun looks down at his empty wine glass, very tempted to pour some more, so it’ll hydrate his dry throat. Trying to ask the demons inside his head that keep whispering that he loves Jeno, maybe it’ll be easier for him to answer Donghyuck’s question, because damn it , Renjun doesn’t even know the answer. But guess what? Zilch.
So Renjun decides to shut those demons up, and creates his own answer, praying to God this time that his answer is convincing enough for Donghyuck.
“I love him for the same reason I hate… kopi luwak. Does it even make sense for you?” Renjun says. “You know I love coffee. The scent, the bitter taste, the dark black colour, I’m fine with those. Maybe for a coffee lover like you, just from smelling it is already exciting. And then I tried kopi luwak. It didn’t taste that amazing, I hated it even. So for me, all those… previous men are like kopi luwak. They’re delicious, people are lining up for them, but it’s still coffee with beans that come from some monkey’s shit. In the end, they’re just expensive little shit. But with Jeno… he’s a different breed, Hyuck. You know what I mean?”
Donghyuck gives Renjun a judging stare. “All I know is he never bluntly speaks about whatever your relationship is, Jun.”
Renjun rolls his eyes. “And as long as he still keeps me near him, I don’t need that. As long as he still calls me when he needs me, I’m fine.”
Donghyuck sighs. “You’re just not normal, Huang Renjun.”
“As pathetic as this may sound, Hyuck, pining for Jeno has been my normalcy.”
Renjun’s phone rings when he’s about to answer Donghyuck again, and he smiles when he sees the caller ID. “Hi, Jeno.”
“Junie, are you home?” Jeno’s deep voice enters Renjun’s hearings.
Renjun looks at Donghyuck who furrows his eyebrows. “No, I just went out to buy something, but I’m going back home now. What is it, Jen?”
“Can I come to your place?” The magic words are spoken.
“Of course, Jeno. I’ll be home soon.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes.
“See you, Junie.”
Donghyuck looks at Renjun with a pitiful stare. Renjun looks back at Donghyuck. “Don’t look at me like that, Hyuck.”
“You deserve better. Much better. You can pick someone else, Jun. Someone who wants you.”
Renjun puts his hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “We’ll get to that later, Hyuck. But for now, I got a door to open. Jeno’s coming. Talk to you soon,” he rises from his seat then quickly walks to his car and drives home.
If any of you are living an unrequited love like Renjun is right now, maybe you will be doing the same thing like he is doing: trying to assign meaning to everything. Who said falling in love can only make you look like the dumbest person in the world? Don’t you know it can make you become creative too? Like Renjun, he is good at making up reasons on why he keeps loving Jeno even after knowing it’ll only end up one-sided. He is being imaginative in giving a meaning to whatever Jeno does to justify the stupid feeling.
“Where did you go?” Jeno asks as Renjun is moving to the kitchen while he sits on the sofa in the TV room.
“Grocery shopping. And a quick lunch with Donghyuck,” Renjun answers as he takes out the vegetables and fruits, then separates them in two large basins.
“Why didn’t you ask me?” Jeno asks again.
Renjun lifts his eyes from the bell pepper he’s washing to the wall in front of him, smiles a little imagining a pout must have formed on Jeno’s lips.
“Well, it was unplanned. Donghyuck was waiting for his next class, while mine was cancelled. So we went together, then I had to dump him, because you called me.” Renjun is done washing the veggies and fruits, then arranges the fruits in the fruit basket and walks to take the apron near the refrigerator.
Jeno walks over to Renjun who is getting ready to cook, slowly circles an arm to his waist and puts his head on his shoulder. “Well, you still could’ve asked me,” he says quietly.
Renjun pulls a corner of his lips, then turns around, cupping Jeno’s cheeks with his hands. “I’m sorry, Jeno. I’ll take you next time. Both of us. Alone,” he answers quietly as well.
Jeno looks at Renjun’s eyes. It’s always there, a different gleam. He knows what his friends mean by ‘Renjun’s eyes save millions of stars’, but for Jeno, they keep just enough stars for him to see when he could see nothing but darkness. They radiate just enough light for Jeno to keep going.
“Yeah, I need to cook first, Jeno. Aren’t you hungry?” Renjun becomes the first to break the connection, then teasingly asks him, lifting one of his brows.
Jeno chuckles. “I am hungry, indeed,” then he sits on the peninsula.
Then as usual, while Renjun is cooking, Jeno would tell stories.
“And I said, while they think that My Chemical Romance is the best reunion that ever happened, I’ll always stick with the Goo Goo Dolls. ‘Name’ was iconic, it still is, actually. I mean, your Taylor Swift would agree with me, she played with them in Madison Square Garden.”
Renjun snorts when he hears what Jeno said. “Goo Goo Dolls? Paramore exists and you choose Goo Goo Dolls. Really, Jeno? I thought you could do better,” he says while putting potatoes and carrots inside the pot.
Jeno gasps, dramatically turns in his seat to face Renjun’s back. “Paramore IS mediocre. You don’t know how 'Iris' left such a legacy, do you? Like, who doesn’t know 'Iris'?”
Renjun chuckles. “Nah, you’re confused between mediocre and legendary, Jen.”
Then Jeno starts to explain those hierarchies of rock music again, saying something about how Goo Goo Dolls was maybe never the cool kids but they remain standing, while for Renjun they’ve died a long time ago after Iris came out.
Renjun can do this for his lifetime; switching banters about which band is cooler, about why they think Billie Eilish is overrated, about why folklore is non-arguably Taylor Swift’s best album to-date, about why Lana Del Rey is due to receive a Grammy, about how Rose could have safe Jack’s life by letting him float on the same piece of wood with her.
Renjun can do that, if it means it’s gonna keep Jeno on his side for all eternity. But both of them know that it will never be like that.
“God, I fucking miss you, Jun. I fucking miss this, you reply back to my banters like this.” The next magic words are finally spoken, as Renjun’s finished his cooking and is now having Jeno’s head on his shoulder again.
Renjun smiles and taps Jeno’s cheek. “Well, you’re always welcome for a debate session with me at any time, Jen.”
Jeno laughs. “Yeah, maybe we can do that after this chicken soup. They smell good, by the way.”
Renjun quickly prepares the food for Jeno, pouring him a bowl and not forgetting to get him his drink—he always keeps canned beer in Renjun’s refrigerator—pouring it in a glass then adding some ice cubes.
“How is it?” Renjun asks as Jeno slurps on his spoon.
Jeno quickly makes a face of distaste, making Renjun bite his lip worriedly. “Don’t eat if it tastes bad, Jeno, let me make you another one quickly,” Renjun says as he tries to take the bowl.
“What are you doing?” Jeno grips Renjun’s wrist. “I’m kidding, babe. This tastes delicious as usual. Come on, sit down with me. You’re not hungry?”
Renjun gets stunned for a moment; from Jeno’s sudden grip on his wrist, and also from his sudden endearment towards him. It feels good to hear that, like he means it. If only he really means it. “You eat, I’ve had my lunch,” he quietly answers.
So what is Huang Renjun, who scored the highest GPA in his major at 3.85 last year, doing this afternoon? While Jeno is enjoying the delicious chicken soup dish Renjun has cooked, some remaining intelligence in his brain is used to prevent himself from gawking his eyes at Jeno–staring at him full of love–and the other remaining is used to try to put some meaning to this event.
Every single thing Jeno did today is also what he usually does every single time he comes to Renjun when he faces something that he calls ‘storm’. No, mind you, it’s not like some mental health issue whatsoever. But it sure includes anxiety.
Anxious of Jeno’s own unrequited love towards someone.
Has it got more complicated this time? Renjun, who loves Jeno, who loves someone else. God knows somewhere out there that someone may love Renjun silently too, so they can make a perfect square.
And today, again, Renjun puts meaning to every single act Jeno did: hugging his waist with his arm, putting his head on his shoulder, sneakily nibbling his neck, sneakily caressing his tummy from inside his shirt, calling him ‘babe’, telling Renjun that he fucking miss him. No single act was left without a special meaning put by Renjun.
Pretty much just like other normal days, in the universe where Renjun is saving a sack of indefinite love for Jeno for him to open one day, but for now he shall put them in the corner, because it’s fucking standing in Jeno’s way to reach his real love, who is not Renjun.
It is currently raining from the sky of California, with Renjun is sitting on his sofa and Jeno is lying with his head on Renjun’s thigh, currently enjoying Renjun soft caresses on his hair, lulling him to drowsiness. They’re watching the rain outside the window, listening to the sound of raindrops colliding with the glass.
“I can’t believe it’s still raining when it’s almost fall already,” Renjun says.
“Hm, yeah. I like the chilly air, I just don’t like being wet,” Jeno sleepily mumbles.
Renjun still caresses Jeno’s hair, before slowly looking down at Jeno’s peaceful face.
Most of the time, memory is our servant. Those past memories are acting as our “servants” that help us go through our routines in life. An aide we cannot live without, really. From when we wake up, take a shower, dress up, have breakfast, until we finally leave to do whatever we have to do that day with any ride. How to start the car. How to drive a car. How to use the copy machine. How to send an email.
Imagine waking up knowing nothing because your memory is gone, completely. Pretty damn scary, isn’t it?
Wanna know what’s scarier? It’s that we actually don’t have the control to choose what we would like to remember and which one we’d like to forget. That’s why memory is such a bad master. It fucks with your mind, raping your freedom to choose. It closes doors for us, and nothing we can do if we let our lives be overpowered by memories we should throw away.
And the memory that Renjun’s brain picks this time, is the day where this dynamic between them was formed for the first time.
It was one night two years ago, they were celebrating a friend’s birthday with the others. Renjun, being pretty weak when it comes to alcohol, chose to remain sober with Mark and Jisung to drive the others back home. And right after Donghyuck and Chenle finally threw up in the restroom, they decided that it was enough, and they went home.
Mark took Jaemin and Donghyuck to their dorms, while Jisung took Chenle to his dorm. Meanwhile Renjun drove Jeno around but to his dorm. He remembered Jeno asked him to drive to Disneyland, which was in Anaheim, 30 minutes away from their place.
And that’s when Jeno told everything. About how he’s been keeping his feelings for someone, and how maybe that someone also has a feeling for someone else.
Not that Renjun didn’t notice it–he could sense and see it himself how Jeno seemed like holding himself back from advancing towards that someone–but to hear it from Jeno himself… he never prepared himself for that.
So that day, Renjun showed what having a bigger heart means: telling Jeno to come to him whenever he feels like he needs someone to dump his mind to, to pour his heavy heart to, to drop his weighing of unspoken adoration for a while, to give it another try the next day.
Growing up with Calvinism in his household, Renjun was always taught that everything that happened and happens in his life are all predestined by God. Humans have no other choice but to accept it fully, they have no free will to accept or to refuse it.
But maybe in the case of this… whatever it is that is happening between him and Jeno, maybe it’s never written in God’s manuscript of Renjun’s life. Maybe it’s just him choosing to be so, or maybe it’s all simply just Renjun who never learns .
God bless his mother who might throw some ruckus if she knows what Renjun is doing in such a relationship with Jeno, which might not be predestined, but just Renjun’s bad choice.
Jeno opens his eyes, looks straight into Renjun's eyes, then lifts the corners of his lips, forming a small smile, which Renjun replies back with a smile.
“You know, I wish things were easier, Jun,” Jeno quietly says.
“How is it, Jen?” Renjun asks back.
Jeno rises and sits straight beside Renjun, facing sideways towards Renjun who’s still looking out the window. “If only I had the courage to just confess to him, to just tell him how I exactly feel… I guess I won’t be doing this right now.”
Renjun slightly knits his brows. “Doing… what?”
“This. With you. Dragging you to my pit of shits. You know you deserve better than this, Jun,” Jeno softly answers.
‘If by better you mean the world where it doesn’t have you coming to me when you need someone, then I’d rather stay in your pit of shits, Jeno’, Renjun thinks.
“Well, I don’t mind this. You need someone, I’m here. Problem solved. All we need to focus on is just how to make your feelings be conveyed and accepted to him, Jeno.”
Jeno sighs. “It’s not easy, Jun.”
Renjun turns sideways, making him sit face-to-face with Jeno. “Love isn't supposed to be easy. Nothing worth having is ever easy. But it is supposed to be honest; it is supposed to be true and unconditional. Love is messy and painful and joyous and not without sacrifice. Love is supposed to conquer all. Is it enough if the love only comes from one side? Is the love of one person enough to conquer the hurt of two?”
‘Talk to yourself, Huang Renjun. You keep talking about how to make both of them end up together when all you want is BOTH OF YOU to end up together.’
Jeno raises his brows, then chuckles. “Wow, that one was good, Huang Renjun. Where did you get that?”
Renjun grins. “Goodreads. They’re good, really,” he answers, prompting a laugh from Jeno.
Expectation is such a cruel bastard, isn’t it? Stroking you with sweet stuffs at first, then suddenly cramming you with bitter pills right to the throat. It takes away the joy of the present by making us wonder what will happen next. Expectation is the root of disappointments.
Renjun expected Jeno would at least understand, just a bit , of what he just said. Hey, he was implicitly confessing and trying to put his own point-of-view to Jeno’s own. So he expects Jeno would catch the meaning, and if the weird cosmic shift in the universe allows, maybe even the two of them can sort it out.
Fuck expectation.
Renjun bites down on his lip, hesitating about something, before dropping all his bets on doing what he never thought of: initiating a kiss with Jeno. He simply puts his hands on his shoulders, and just puts his lips on Jeno’s lips. Nothing more.
But when Jeno tries to deepen the kiss, Renjun almost loses it all. And he doesn’t want that.
So he pinches his shoulders, asks him to slow down, and that’s what Jeno does.
Letting Renjun take over the control, kissing in slow pace, letting the emotions fill the empty voids between them, which may never be completely filled.
Renjun feels his cheeks getting wet. He pulls his lips, only to see Jeno shedding tears. And Renjun does his usual routine.
He pulls Jeno to rise from the sofa and takes him to his room, and he makes him lay on the bed, before he takes the spot beside him, then he hugs Jeno while cradling his head to his chest, letting Jeno cry and pour the content of his heart out.
They do that, until sleep takes over the both of them.
“Do you wanna go to Disneyland?” Jeno asks one day when visits Renjun’s place again.
Renjun raises his brows before looking at the clock. “At this hour?”
“Nighttime entertainment at the Park sounds fun, no?”
“Hm, why don’t we just see the sunset?”
“To the beach?”
Renjun thinks for a while. “Let’s just… drive around. We can crash to the beach if you want to.”
Jeno looks at Renjun before smiles a little. “Anaheim at sun down sounds nice. Let’s go now, then.”
“Yeah, one sec, gonna grab my wallet first,” Renjun quickly runs to his room.
People say, ‘Life is the sum of our choices’, and those choices are recorded in our heads in the form of fragments of the moments we’ve been through, neatly stored in our brain cells, immersed in there for too long–forgotten–until one event comes through and perturbing our heads to open up those choices again.
What sucks about being human is you have to explain your life choices to everyone. It’s like their god-given right to know. There will always be nosy people who’re too dull to understand that “Why would you do that? How could you think like that? Do this instead of that!” is just not proper sometimes. Do aliens do that? I just can’t picture a green slimy guy snaring at his bald coneheaded friend saying “You chew on screwdrivers? Chewing human bones is ten times more delicious!”
Renjun is pretty sure if Donghyuck knows about this–he probably does, Renjun just chooses to ignore that fact–he’s never gonna shut his mouth about this for at least a decade. Nah, he’s just getting hyperbolic about it. But Renjun knows, everything that Donghyuck ever said one day, hit it in the bullhead, explaining their situation perfectly.
“How long are you gonna do this, Jun? It’s been two years,” Donghyuck said as the seven of them were going out to the Park one day. Renjun and Donghyuck took a break, while the rest were exploring more attractions.
“It’s just two years, Hyuck. Realization doesn’t come in a minute, you know.”
Donghyuck rolled his eyes, then looked straight at Renjun. “Honestly, tell me. Is there anything that scares you? Something that stops you from you telling your feelings first to him?”
Renjun looked around, finding Jeno who was smiling as he stood close to that someone. His eyes look gleaming.
“You watch Friends, right? You know that Joey loved Rachel more than just friends? One day, she asked him to watch a horror movie with her. And when she said, “Oh my God, how can you watch this? Aren’t you scared?”, he quietly answered, “Terrified.” But we all know that it wasn’t the movie that he was terrified of, but it was the fact that he knew his feelings were certainly unrequited and potentially could break their friendship.”
Ironically, Renjun also knows that this thing he has for Jeno is not mutual. But his biggest fear comes from the probability that he could ruin this thing between them right now if he lets his stupid heart takes over and confess to him.
“So you’re not gonna do anything? You’re just gonna let it slide?”
“I’m just gonna let it be like how it is, Hyuck. I’m not gonna ruin something good for my own interest.”
Donghyuck snorts. “Do the same then. Love someone else, only come to Jeno if you don’t know what to do and when you need a back burner.”
Renjun chuckles. “Don’t worry, Hyuck. I only sometimes like him too.”
There is a quote from one of Renjun’s favourite authors, which is: ‘ I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play games too. Games you can’t win because you’ll play against you. ’
So maybe about what he does with Jeno, from two years ago until now, is that game he’s playing against no one but himself.
Maybe one day Renjun would stop keeping a feeling for Jeno. Maybe one day Renjun decides, “Screw it, I’m gonna tell him”. Maybe one day Renjun would step away from Jeno, having clear vision of how he has been treating him all these times. Maybe one day Jeno would stop chasing that someone and look at Renjun. Maybe one day Jeno would pull Renjun from the back of his mind, and take him to the front. Maybe one day Jeno would finally choose Renjun.
Renjun looks at Jeno who is driving with a hand on the steering wheel while the other one is holding his hand. The sun is setting soon in the Anaheim sky, and the chilly autumn air is blowing nicely.
Jeno looks back at Renjun, then smiles. Renjun smiles back. ‘ This is fine. This is gonna be fine.’
Cuivis dolori remedium est patientia. Patience is the cure to all suffering. For now, Renjun wouldn’t mind settling in the back. Until he realized that he’s been playing with fire and could get himself burned.