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“You need to talk to him, if not for your self for me. Please Seb, I- the doctor said you're not getting better- and I- Seb I can’t lose you-“ She broke off, muffled crying tinny through the phone speakers. He shifted, ducking his head to stop his own tears.
“I can’t- Hanna, it’s not,” He exhaled shakily. “It won’t change anything. At least- at least this way.” He trailed off the, I’ll have more time, was loud in the silence. Sebastian knew she heard it too if the choked strangled sound was anything to go by.
He peered up, breathing deeply, sadness curled in his gut and splintered his tongue, dull pain floating through his limbs. Deep stormy clouds blanketed the shadowed fields, silhouetted trees black in the gloom. It was quiet and solemn, her cries still loud in the small kitchen.
"Do you remember when I found out, and what I said?” His voice echoed, bouncing off the walls enveloping him. The dark sky stared back, gloomy and silent.
“Till the end.” He smiled mournfully, nodding to the inevitability of it all.
“Till the end. Always.”
“Oh god.” Another set of cries began, his heart constricting at the sound. Sebastian swallowed, shuddering with his decision.
“It’s ok. It’s ok. Hanna, I’ll be ok. I’ve still got time-“
“Not long. I know. I asked.” He closed his eyes, scrubbing roughly at his face. “I know.”
“Hanna-“
“I just- Seb. How can I let you do this? How can you do this to yourself? I- you're going to die, Seb- oh my god. You're going to die. ” A broken scream floated from his phone, still glowing against the counter.
“Hanna, it’s ok. I’ll be ok. It’s alright, everything’s alright. I have to do this, ok? You just have to trust me alright? Everything’s going to be ok.” He continued to whisper gentle assurances, hands trembling against the cool marble countertop. Slowly, her breathing evened cries quietening to a slow murmur. He sighed, fumbling with shaking hands to grasp his phone. Staring at her name, he regained his own breath. It fell with a clatter back to the surface, his hands dropping to clench at the edge. Leaning down to rest his head against the cold marble, in an attempt to calm himself. Hanna’s cries still reverberated through his head.
“Have to do what?”
He froze, his upper body turning to stare at the doorway. He was resting against the doorframe, the stair light illuminating him from behind, his face shrouded in the shadows.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just a thing I’ve got to do next week.” He smiled, waving a hand, ignoring his pounding heart. Licking his lips he turned back to the window, picking up his phone once more. He still hadn’t hung up, her name still shining across his screen. He took a breath, the air felt heavy, stifling like black soot encasing his lungs in a deadly embrace.
“Hanna wouldn’t call you for nothing. What do you have to do?”
Sebastian chuckled. “Seriously, it’s nothing. She’s just worried.” He ignored the crack in his voice, hoping against hope he would ignore it.
“She was crying.” He sucked in a breath, head rising to stare straight once more.
“How much did you hear?”
He was met with a pregnant pause, the darkness seemingly deepening the silence. Tightness gripped at his throat, clogged as it always was when he was there. The sky was gone, replaced by the void of darkness, any silhouettes now merging with the blackened heavens above, the fields a murky smudge. They held no answers, as a starless night rarely does.
He turned, fully this time. Although his hands shook, and his stomach lurched, he gazed forward resolutely.
“Charles, how much did you hear?” He urged his voice to be strong, holding back a wince as it broke upon his name.
“I asked first.” A groan fell from his lips at the familiarity, that child-like stubbornness so similar to his own. Sebastian fought the urge to look away, it would give too much. It was already slipping away from his control, the reigns of the conversation slipping from his hands.
“She’s worried.”
“About?”
“Charles. It’s a personal thing.” The lie was easy, a routine. They had all heard it enough, over and over. But to Charles, it was new. He hated lying, especially to Charles, but now it was all he could seem to do. Over and over. He watched his face, trying to detect any change through the murky dark, yet it was useless. The darkness concealed everything.
“Ok, Seb.”
He blinked, a sigh falling from his lips without a choice. The mangled relief twisting in his throat, that dark, creeping feeling growing at the simple acceptance. He smiled, looking down, trying to avoid his thoughts.
“I was just wondering if you had any more blankets? I was quite cold.” Charles's face was still unreadable, but his voice was sincere. Sebastian blinked, thinking back to when Charles had left to sleep. He’d told him there were blankets in the wardrobe- but maybe he’d forgotten. It was unlikely, but what if he’d been too obscure with his descriptions, or used a German word instead of English? He paused, shaking his head.
“Yeah, yeah. I can show you.” He stepped forward, smiling softly. Charles stepped aside, letting his past. He swallowed as their hands brushed, resisting the urge to jump away as though struck by lightning. It must’ve felt the same.
The stairs creaked as they climbed, groaning in the hush. He stumbled, foot clipping the last step, panic seizing him. Before he froze, tingling electric fired up his sides, Charles's hands gently clasping his sides. Only a layer from his blushed skin. Quickly, he scrambled up and away. Whispering a faint, thank you, as he went. Sebastian didn’t dare look back, ducking his head as he scrambled to Charles’s- to the guest room. The door was ajar, the lamp light on. Gingerly he stepped in, not looking at the vague pieces scattered across the room or the clothing piled in his suitcase.
The wardrobe squatted in the corner, its knotted dark oak polished and shining. He could still remember the day he spent repairing it, hunched over and aching but so worth it to see it gleam. He’d sent Charles a picture of it, an explanation as to why he hadn’t responded to his millions of one-word texts.
Turning back, Charles was by the door, watching. He turned away, his nerves still buzzing.
“Ah, well,” He opened the doors, before stepping back. “The blankets are at the bottom.” He pointed to accentuate it. He jumped as a hand ghosted his side, backing up he stared at him. Charles had closed the door, now only a step away, he reached down picking two of the blankets and gently shut the wardrobe doors.
He held out a blanket. Sebastian stared. “Would you help?” He blinked, his brain struggling to understand. Slowly, he took it. Lost in Charles's smile, following as he moved towards the bed. His sense of reality was warping, the situation so unreal he would have believed it more if it were a dream.
Dumbly he copied Charles's movement, spreading the blanket onto the duvet, atop Charles’s. He backed up, glancing across the partially scuffled bed, in which he tried desperately not to imagine Charles emerging.
“Ok, now I’m going to-“ He stopped, the breath knocked from his lungs as Charles’s hand caught his wrist. Voiceless Sebastian looked up at him, only a few inches taller enough for it to be necessary. “Charles?” His voice shook, uncertain.
He stumbled, Charles tugging gently until he fell onto the bed. Blood rushed through his ears, that electric feeling still racing through his veins, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. He was frozen as Charles manoeuvred them, pulling Sebastian to his chest.
“Relax, Seb.” His voice, warm and soft, rumbled through him like honey and crackling fire. His hand swirled circles across his hip. Sebastian could barely breathe, eyes wide as Charles hugged him tenderly. Slowly, the tension began to drain away, replaced by warmth, and comfort and disbelief. Until he was resting fully against Charles, falling away into a gentle doze. Barely noticing the lamp light turning off, or the covers being pulled over them except for when Charles's warmth peeled away for a mere second. Each time a slightly embarrassing whine would leave him, but he was too relaxed to think. Too comfortable to care.
“Seb, what do you have to do?” Charles's breath ghosted across his ear and the back of his neck, his voice low and quiet.
“Have to- have to do it.” He murmured leaning further back, eyes falling shut.
“Do what?”
“Let it happen.”
“What?”
“Have to go.” He shuffled, turning into the embrace, as he rotated to press into his chest.
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t- tell him.” Charles watched as he frowned, apparently too relaxed to realise what he was saying. He pondered stopping, just enjoying the fact he was cuddling Sebastian Vettel. But Hanna had been crying, and it didn’t feel right. Pushing away his guilt he swirled a circle across his hip, resisting the urge to cup it and bring him closer once more.
“Tell who?”
“Charles, he- he can’t know. It’ll only hurt him.”
He sucked in a breath, eyes widening at the revelation. “Can’t tell him what Seb?” He spoke softly into the darkness, reaching for his hand.
“I can’t- Hanna, he doesn’t know. It's not fair-“ He shuffled, cutting himself off. Charles finally found his hand, entertaining them carefully.
“It's not mine- it's not-” Sebastian sighed somewhat mournfully. “It’s a dog- not mine- not my bird.” Charles frowned, pulling away to think. At the loss Sebastian groaned, reaching for him. “He’s hers.”
He pulled away the covers, sitting up. Slowly Sebastian seemed to come to, blinking drowsily at him before lurching up as though coming back to life.
“Why am I in your bed?” His eyes narrowed, his face suspicious yet his hands clenched the sheets. More like Sebastian than he had been earlier, less jumpy yet that sad glow still encapsulated his eye.
“Do you have a soulmate?”
Sebastian froze, eyes widening comically in shock. He spluttered speechless for a second before his face hardened. “That’s personal Charles- you can’t just ask me that. Not even if you’ve somehow got me in your bed.”
He blushed, red climbing his cheeks at the suggestion. But he pushed back, zeroing in on the slight panic he’s seen for a second in the way he tensed.
“Why was Hanna crying, Seb? Please, it’s not nothing.”
“I’m not well, Charles. The doctor says that. Unless- the doctor says I don’t have long.” Sebastian looked away, his face hiding in the dark.
Charles fumbled, switching the lamp on once more. “What- why? Wait what do you mean ‘unless’?”
“Nothing I just misspoke.” He swallowed, eyes flickering anywhere but Charles.
“Unless what Seb.”
“Unless I find them, and they love me back.”
Charles sat back. “Your soulmate.”
“Yes.”
He paused, letting it set in. Seb might die, and he wouldn’t have known. He bit back a scream, instead staring angrily at him, his heart thudding painfully at the thought.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped- I can help try and find them!” He clenched his fist, only just stopping himself from shouting. He ignore the hurt flashing through him at the thought of Sebastian with someone else.
“Charles- Charles. It’s not. Charles, I know who they are. But they don’t feel the same. It’s ok.” He stopped, watching as Sebastian deflated sinking in on himself, as though he was a puppet whose strings were cut.
“Who is it?” He lowered his voice, studying him sadly.
He stopped, looking back at him. “Charles.” He shook his head, voice full to the brim with sadness and resignation. Charles blinked, the cogs in his brain slowly turning, gently, until it clicked. Sudden and sharp.
“Seb, who is it?” He groaned as he merely looked away, looking ready to cry. “Seb where is your mark?” A flinch before he pushed his shorts lower, to reveal his hip. To show a bright blue bird, sitting elegantly against his hip bone.
“You absolute idiot.”
He surged forward, tugging him to his lips. Bright, fierce and full of longing, he kissed him like he was a drowning man and Sebastian was his air. When they broke for actual air, he could only manage a fake glare, pulling down his collar to show his blue bird fluttering on his chest.
“I love you, you idiot.” This time it was Sebastian who lurched forward, connecting them and suddenly it was as though the world was brighter, clearer, better and all he could think was Seb, Seb, Seb, Seb. A constant stream flowing through his head, until they parted for breath once more and then he heard it.
‘Did he just say he loved me? No of course he didn’t- nothings changed- he probably just feels sorry for- ‘
'Why can’t you believe I love you?’
Sebastian's eyes widened, staring back at him. He smiled, leaning forward a hand resting under his jaw. “I love you, Seb. I always have. Will you have me?”
“Oh gott yes!”
Charles laughed as he pounced, grinning as his soul wound around Sebastian’s. Only laughing harder as Seb declared his undying love, and then spluttered about telling Hanna he might not die after all.
In the end, all he could do was smile, curled around Sebastian with a head full of sparks and pretty smiles.