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Kaoru is independent. He's smart, likes taking charge and not having to deal with the incompetence of people who believe they know better when they have no idea about a given topic. Kaoru is, maybe as a consequence, not very social in nature. Or at least, he doesn't have a lot of friends.
Kaoru is also clingy.
Growing up, he never really noticed it. With a childhood friend like Kojiro, you kind of had to be alright with him draping himself all over you. He did it anyway, no matter how often he was told off. And Kaoru was alright with that. His protests were mostly for show anyway. After a few years he even admitted to himself that he liked it. But in true introvert fashion, he never really knew how to initiate or reciprocate physical contact.
Part of the reason was probably his traditional upbringing. His parents weren't bad people, but they also didn't engage in casual physical contact much. The other part may have been that he never had to, Kojiro somehow just always knew when he needed someone to gently take his hand or hug him and rub his back so he could process whatever occupied his mind at that moment while feeling his silent support.
But it was fine, even up until High School by which time hugs and holding hands when crossing the street had been exchanged for fist bumps, slaps on the back, general roughhousing and the occasional arm on a shoulder that never lingered long. And Kaoru was happy. He had friends (or at least people who occasionally bothered him about new CD releases and homework), he had Kojiro most of all, and he was skating every other night until he was sleep-deprived in math class the next day.
Things... changed with Adam. His affection had never been very physical in the first place. Somehow he was always a step further away. Close enough to imagine the warmth of his light but never quite reaching it, and over time Adam even seemed to prefer moving out of range when they tried to initiate contact.
Adam's rapid decline into more and more violence and reckless disregard for anyone's wellbeing, as well as his subsequent departure for America left Kaoru feeling oddly cold regardless.
He'd never quite come to terms with his maybe-crush on his friend Adam (rather than whatever he had become by the end) while he was around, and he'd certainly never done anything about it. As his friend seemingly lost his humanity, whatever was left of Kaoru's maybe-more-than-platonic feelings was lost as well.
But it did leave scars. The absence of a third of their trio stayed with him and Kojiro until they graduated a couple months later. Sometimes it even felt like they were slowly drifting apart as well but whenever the doubts threatened to swallow him whole, Kojiro was still there by his side, shoulder against shoulder, with nonsensical chatter about nothing at all to fill the silence. Still so, so warm. Kaoru kind of wanted him to shut up but most of all, Kaoru wanted to bury his face in that familiar warm shoulder, lean against him and be held in those arms. He stayed away, though.
And then Kojiro left too.
It wasn't the same, of course. Italy had been his dream for years. And Kojiro never lost himself to madness, except when he saw Kaoru eating instant ramen over their video calls because "Do you know how bad those are, they're nothing but artificial flavor and no nutrition! I've told you all of this before, pinkie-". But the time zone difference along with his friend's busy schedule did leave Kaoru to drift into himself a lot. Eventually, he built Carla to try and help distract him on top of his calligraphy studies. And once she was functional, he just kept adding more and more features and integrations so he wouldn't feel the coldness as he sat in sunny Okinawa by himself, waiting and hoping that his best friend would come back soon while simultaneously berating himself for being selfish.
Kojiro came back broad, tan and still so, so warm. Kaoru almost wanted to abandon all public decency and hug him right in the airport arrival area where he had been waiting to pick him up. He didn't, of course, but Kaoru still felt warm with more than the summer heatwave for the first time since Kojiro had left as they fell right back into their habit of bickering about whatever came to mind.
In general, Kojiro is and always has been a physically affectionate person. He still drapes himself over people, ruffles the kids' hair when they look up to him with those puppy dog eyes, he likes having women cling to him…
Kaoru barely remembers the moments after he had been... injured during the tournament at S but he does recall warmth as he was lifted and transported to the hospital.
Somewhere along the time of recovery, though, Kaoru realized how rare friendly physical touch had become between him and Kojiro. Kicking, tripping, shouldering past each other, their rivalry had taken over the natural contact of their friendship.
So as Kojiro threaded his fingers through long pink hair to fix it into a ponytail that would be difficult - at best - to manage otherwise with Kaoru's right arm in a cast, he realized how much he had missed it. Kojiro used to play with his hair a lot when he first grew it out at the start of highschool. Kaoru had forgotten the calm, gentle feeling of having someone else's fingers sift through the strands and over his scalp. He could almost suppress the immediate urge to press back into the gentle hands, but not completely. Thankfully, Kojiro didn't seem to pay much attention to it as he continued. Kojiro has also always known that some things should not be addressed verbally with Kaoru, unless strictly necessary.
So here Kaoru is, a few months later, all healed up but still sitting on Kojiro's couch with a wine bottle and half-filled glasses on the table, ignoring the movie playing on the tv and fighting the steadily growing urge to lean sideways against Kojiro's shoulder and rest his head against him. Just to see if it's as comfy and warm as he expects. And if Kojiro would allow him to stay there, maybe lean into it too. He contemplates if he could play it off as tipsiness but he only had one glass of wine so far. Or perhaps he could pretend to be falling asleep and have his head coincidentally drift in that direction. Kojiro is probably engrossed enough in the movie not to notice anyway.
Resting his head on Kojiro's shoulder isn't anything weird, right? Friends do that all the time. He's seen Reki and Langa hovering over each other's shoulders to watch skateboard videos- okay, maybe they're a bad example. His point remains though. And Kojiro likes physical contact, so this should be okay, right?
The thing is, Kojiro and Kaoru aren't really just friends anymore. After the tournament quarterfinals, the dumb gorilla spent way too much time at Kaoru's side at the hospital whenever visiting hours allowed. Even after he was released, Kojiro took care of him in his injured state. They have had an understanding of sorts since then, Kaoru surmises. Nothing significant really changed between them aside from some fond or worried glances directed at him in private, because change is scary and Kojiro knows him and his anxiety in concerning but endearing detail. He knows not to verbalize it, or ask about it. He just stays by his side and makes time and space in his life for Kaoru to insert himself at his own pace.
Kojiro is just so, so patient.
Kaoru is grateful for that, he is, but he does wish it weren't up to him to initiate this. Chancing a glance at the oaf beside him, he finds him nodding off, fighting gravity whenever he tips forward but his eyelids stay too heavy to open.
Well.
That's that, he supposes with a quiet sigh on his lips. He doesn't want to wake Kojiro up, he's been working hard at Sia la Luce and deserves his rest. Maybe he'll wake him up once the movie is over. Just to save him from too much of a crick in his neck.
Though that does leave him even more alone with his thoughts at the moment.
Knowing that Kojiro can’t see him ruminating means that he is inevitably given more freedom to look at him without consequences. Well, beyond the now familiar tight feeling in his chest as he finds himself wishing to close the distance between them even more.
It allows Kaoru to forget about the movie and just spend a minute or two, just looking at how Kojiro’s head had now fallen against the back of the couch, slowly turning sideways to face him. It lets him observe how a few green strands fall over his face and imagine how he would gently brush them away. His fingers twitch against the couch, but he doesn’t move.
Kojiro looks so, so peaceful.
Eventually Kaoru tears his eyes away as he tries to compose himself by shaking his head and focusing on the movie again. He doesn't even remember what was happening before he got distracted by his inner struggle and subsequent distraction.
"I don't mind you looking, you know, princess."
Kaoru sputters awkwardly and whips back around to face Kojiro, who is still in the same position, melted into the couch cushions facing him. Except his eyes are now open.
He doesn't look like he just woke up but his eyes hold that gentle, patient warmth that Kaoru is starting to get used to seeing but still can't allow himself to name.
"Who was looking at you? I was just checking if it's starting to rain. Not all of us enjoy being drenched but I guess it barely matters when you're a half-clothed gorilla-"
Kojiro interrupts his rambling by gently covering the traitorous hand that wanted to brush away his hair earlier.
It feels even more traitorous now because the warmth racing up his arm and face immediately prevents Kaoru from attempting any form of coherency, so he opts for shutting his mouth instead.
"Hey, Kaoru, it's okay. It's just me. You're okay."
Kaoru wonders for a moment why he's talking to him like he's calming a scared animal. But when Kojiro's thumb starts drawing gentle circles on his traitorous hand, he looks down and sees how tense he is. How his hands were clenched into fists, his whole body trembling almost imperceptibly, on the verge of kicking into fight or flight mode.
He didn't notice that happening. And logically there's no reason for this to happen. He isn't scared of Kojiro. He doesn't want to leave, not really.
Kaoru just wants to close his eyes and not have to deal with this. Wants to go back in time to before Kojiro may or may not have nodded off, selfishly keep him up with mindless bickering so he doesn't have to think about what he was contemplating to do.
And it's so stupid because nobody is admonishing him, nobody is upset except Kaoru, Kojiro even said it was fine but the thing with his anxiety is that it doesn't need to make sense in order to make him freak out.
Kojiro's soft murmuring eventually bleeds back into Kaoru's perception and he tries to focus on the words and his breathing instead of his racing thoughts.
"I'm here, it's okay. You're okay." It's mindless, the same kinds of things Kojiro has been saying to calm him down since their teens. And it would be sad that even after years of emotional growth and a healthy amount of therapy, Kaoru still needs to hear it, still latches onto it with all his might.
But it's Kojiro. And Kojiro has always been so, so kind and patient with him in all the ways that matter.
"There you go." Kojiro concludes his calming mantra soon after Kaoru has fought back control over his limbs, his eyes being drawn to Kojiro's face again so he can see the gentle smile slowly blooming.
At some point Kojiro leaned forward a bit but he had kept their hands their only point of connection the entire time, knowing that too much would only overwhelm Kaoru.
Now, as they're looking at each other again, Kojiro leans back against the cushions and gently lets go of Kaoru's hand.
Kaoru has about half a second to question the sudden change until Kojiro speaks again quietly.
"Come here?" He asks, opening his arms a bit in invitation, and Kaoru hears the unspoken 'if you feel comfortable with that' loud and clear in the way Kojiro looked at him.
And it's just like Kojiro to know what Kaoru has been itching for the past hour, to offer it gently and without a hint of obligation.
But he would still make Kaoru work for it.
Swallowing down the remains of his tenseness, Kaoru assesses his position and then scoots down the cushion a bit with his face turned towards the tv. It's still playing a movie of which he isn't even sure he remembers the name anymore.
Taking another glance at Kojiro and his still open arms, he gently leans over until he rests his head on a muscular shoulder. Arms close around his upper body in the kind of hug Kaoru has dreamed about in his late night hours where he desperately wished for comfort.
Soon, a hand finds Kaoru's again and goes back to drawing gentle circles on it until Kaoru melts into the embrace.
When he feels a slight but unmistakable pressure against the crown of his head, only one thought remains where Kaoru's anxious musings were running rampant before.
Kojiro is just so, so warm .