Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Now Playing: Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys (2:18)

(February)

Rain cascaded down the sides of his face, taking his tears with it. It was comforting to feel the cold raindrops after spending hours inside the suffocating club, downing shot after shot as he pretended it hurt less than it did, pretended he cared more than he really did. The back alley sheltered him from any soul potentially disturbing his heartache and misery. Stumbling backwards, he let his head hit the stone wall, wincing in pain. The rain stopped hitting his face, when he blinked up he found himself staring at a tattered awning. The club’s logo was printed on it in faded colors: Rush Hour, at the edge of Mapo district, near Han River.

The club was popular amongst Seoul’s college students, especially those that didn’t have a soulmate, still had to meet them, or had given up on the idea of ever finding them. It was a depressing blend of desperation, yearning, and raw want. It was a good place to find a rebound—something quick and meaningless to fill the new and unfamiliar void.

The club’s music, the high pitched laughter, the murmur of conversation all lingered around him. It had to be around two or three in the morning. The wailing of a siren disturbed the festive atmosphere on the street, cutting through the air, but once it was gone the crowd continued to indulge in their hedonistic night. 

The back door of the club opened with a click. Familiar footsteps approached him, they held no hesitation. They were never hesitant when it came to him.

The person called out his name, “Jacob!”

Jacob blinked, trying to dissipate the blurriness. It was difficult to focus on the dark alley—his eyes slid past a row of overflowing trash cans, a rain puddle that reflected the neon lights from a club across the street, a tall figure approaching him decidedly.

Jacob turned his head, blinking repeatedly. “Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun came into view, blurred around the edges, but his face was close enough that Jacob could distinguish his brown eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed in concern, his eyes flitted around Jacob as if to search for harm. 

“What are you doing here?” Jaehyun asked, leaning against the wall. He bent his body so that he was the same height as Jacob, their shoulders brushing together.

“Having a little pity party,” Jacob admitted, rubbing his eyes. It was ridiculous now with a witness around. He sniffled, pretending it was because of the cold rain. He cleared his throat. “Don’t give me that look.”

“What look?” Jaehyun inquired, innocently, but Jacob had caught him. Jaehyun often looked at him like he was breakable and couldn’t take on the hurt that kept being pushed his way, but Jacob had long dropped his expectations of a painless life.

“Like you need to take care of me. I’m fine, Jaehyun.”

“Are you?” Jaehyun raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “You’re crying in the rain, Jacob. That doesn’t exactly translate as ‘fine’ to me.” He scoffed. “Sorry for worrying, I guess.”

Jacob glared at him, suddenly all blurriness vanished and he saw Jaehyun clearly: his disheveled hair, the round shape of his nose, his pink lips pulled into a thin line; the oversized leather jacket hanging awkwardly off his shoulders, the tight clothes that he liked to wear whenever they went out because he was as desperate as all of them to hook up with someone. Jacob saw the hole in Jaehyun’s t-shirt (because he couldn’t bring himself to buy a new one), the strange faded tone of his jeans (because he’d washed them one too many times), the mismatched buttons on the jacket (because it was older than both of them and Jaehyun refused to get rid of it)…

Jacob averted his gaze. “Don’t do that,” he said.

“Do what?”

“Be a petty asshole,” Jacob hissed, flinching at his own words. It was so unlike himself; it was the way he allowed himself to be with Jaehyun. It was the only way Jaehyun accepted him. “You know I appreciate that you worry about me, but—Jaehyun, let me breathe once in a while. If I need you, I will reach out for you.”

Jaehyun looked straight at him, unwavering. “Will you? Will you really, Jacob?” Jacob bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, thought so.” Jaehyun laughed, bitterly.

“Sometimes I just want to wallow in my misery,” Jacob told him. “I want to be sad and mourn some stupid relationship I knew wasn’t going to work out from the beginning. Sometimes I need to mourn my delusions without getting a reality check.”

Jaehyun studied him, the harshness fading from his gaze. He sighed, his arm coming up to wrap itself around Jacob’s shoulder, drawing him closer. Tears burned in Jacob’s eyes again, a sob pushing against his chest. He inhaled, shaking. 

It was unfair.

“Okay,” Jaehyun muttered. “Then mourn that stupid relationship. Just—” He hesitated, his hand balling into a fist. Jacob noticed and reached up his own hand to softly brush it against Jaehyun’s, easing its tension. He let it drop once Jaehyun’s fingers were relaxed again, but for a brief moment he’d considered letting it linger, taking his friend’s hand into his own. “Just don’t hide from me. You know I worry, I can’t stop myself from doing so. It doesn’t mean I don’t trust you, I just—”

“I know,” Jacob muttered. He glanced at Jaehyun, who was looking back at him, lips still parted mid sentence. “Sometimes I just need space.”

Jaehyun held his gaze. “Jacob, I—” He hesitated. “It scares me when you need space.”

Jacob sighed. He didn’t want to have a deep conversation after drinking for hours, dancing with strangers in the hopes it made him feel less lonely, and then crying in the rain because his heart had been broken—which he’d known would happen so it was stupid that he was hurt by it.

“Why?”

“Because I never know if you’ll come back or not.”

Jacob laughed, abrasive, detached. “I’m not some stray cat, you know?”

Jaehyun stilled. He didn’t remove his arm, but there was a noticeable distance between them now. He was tense, his whole body feeling different against Jacob’s. It wasn’t as forgiving anymore, not looking past Jacob’s attempts at speaking around his feelings. It was the Jaehyun that Jacob had always hated a little. The one that made their differences so bluntly visible.

“I respect that you need space, but I need your reassurance once in a while,” Jaehyun said, sharply. “It’s okay if you disappear for weeks or even months, just tell me you still remember me.”

“As if I could ever forget you,” Jacob muttered, laughing to himself, half in self-deprecation and half in wonderment. 

He could feel Jaehyun’s relentless gaze boring into the side of his face and, after a brief moment of inwardly panicking about his own words, Jacob looked back into his friend’s eyes. He couldn’t tell what was hidden in Jaehyun’s gaze, if there was anything at all aside from that blankness. For someone so honest and open, Jaehyun had always been good at elegantly folding the important parts of himself until he became a misshapen and unblemished piece of paper. During those moments, Jacob hated him the most. 

Jacob looked back, challengingly. “What?” he demanded.

Jaehyun blinked, still staring at him, but he was slowly snapping out of his reverie. He laughed, a dry and quiet sound, and moved his arm away. He let his head fall against the stone wall, hitting it with more force than he intended. He laughed some more.

“Shit.”

Jacob frowned in confusion. “What? You’re being weird.”

“Do you still need space?” Jaehyun asked instead, pretending as if nothing had happened. “Or are you good? Do you need me to punch Sangyeon hyung?”

Jacob rolled his eyes. He relaxed against the club’s wall. He hadn’t even realized how tense his body had been until his shoulders fell and he let out a long sigh. “No. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll get over him. We weren’t soulmates, it was never meant to go anywhere. We had fun while it lasted and—”

“He was your first real relationship.”

“First and last one,” Jacob said, petulantly. He understood the emotional weight Jaehyun was talking about, and it had crushed Jacob, but he didn’t want to have an in depth conversation about it in some back alley while it rained and he was inebriated. He’d come down from his breakdown and now it all just seemed silly. “I don’t care anymore.” Jaehyun parted his lips, but Jacob spoke before his friend could, “I won’t push you away. I’m genuinely okay. I just needed some days to process.”

Jaehyun sighed. “Okay.”

The rain still poured around them, dripping from the awning onto their laced shoes. It was still around two or three in the morning, ungodly hours to be awake and have meaningful conversations at.

Jacob didn’t feel the heartbreak anymore. He didn’t mind that Sangyeon had broken up with him about two weeks ago over coffee at their favorite bakery; he didn’t mind that Sangyeon had been his only relationship, lasting for three months; he didn’t mind that, despite knowing that Sangyeon had no soulmate and Jacob would never really know who his own soulmate was, he had fallen a little in love with Sangyeon, learning that love wasn’t tied to the soulmate-mark on his wrist (the notion terrified him greatly, but he was good at ignoring its implications); he didn’t mind that their relationship had come to its inevitable end. 

Sangyeon had been kind in breaking it off before it could become too complicated.

“What about you?” Jacob asked, interrupting the silence. “Have you met anyone interesting tonight?”

Jaehyun laughed. “No.”

Jacob pressed his lips together, reaching out his hand to half-heartedly pat Jaehyun’s shoulder in sympathy. “If you go back in now you might still be lucky.”

“Nah.” Jaehyun shook his head. “This was kind of a downer.” He gestured around, grinning wickedly.

“Wow, sorry for crying,” Jacob said, but it was playful, a smile pulling at his lips. They were okay. “Next time I’ll schedule it so it doesn’t interrupt with your dick appointment or whatever.”

“Oh, Jacob, you’re so considerate. Maybe I should just date you!” He swooned jokingly, but as his words settled in they both tensed. Awkwardness spread over them, poisoning their minds with its silence and stumbled words. “I mean—”

“We would make a terrible couple,” Jacob said, quickly. “We’re too different.”

Jaehyun looked at their shoes. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Do you want to get out of here? I’m freezing,” Jacob continued, pushing himself off the wall.

Jaehyun glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes. “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Let me call us a taxi.” He pulled out his phone, dialing the local taxi hotline. 

“I’ll get our coats,” Jacob said, not waiting for a response as he ventured back into the overcrowded club. 

He pushed past dancing bodies, wondering how the hell he had hoped to find a cure to his loneliness in them an hour ago. It would have satiated his want at best, leaving him yearning for somebody to wake up to—warm breath tingling his face, someone’s hand tangled with his, the prospect of a shared breakfast not too far away… There was none of that in a one-night stand. 

In retrospect, Jacob was glad he’d had a breakdown in Rush Hour. Otherwise he would be making regretful decisions by now. Instead, he was going home with Jaehyun; he would crash in their small dorm room and wake up with a mild hangover. Jaehyun would probably drag him to the nearest café for breakfast and consolation the following morning.

After collecting their coats from the cloakroom, Jacob exited Rush Hour through the front door, reuniting with Jaehyun by the curb, who was already waiting next to a taxi. Hastily, Jaehyun waved him over, holding the taxi’s door open so that Jacob could slide in. Seconds later Jaehyun settled down next to Jacob, running a hand through his hair to shake out some of the rain.

The driver glanced at them through the rear view mirror. “Where to?” he grumbled.

Jaehyun gave him the direction of their college dorms, which thankfully wasn’t too far. Now that the night was ebbing out of him, Jacob only wanted to slip under his blankets and sleep for at least ten hours.

With some struggle, Jacob untangled their coats, handing Jaehyun his own. Their hands brushed together. Jaehyun’s fingers were icy cold from the rain. Jacob’s hands burned when they fell back into his lap. Damning thoughts creeped through his mind, spurred by his heartbreak and insatiable longing.

Abruptly, Jacob was spun back to his college freshman year, when he’d gotten shit faced during the Hongik University welcoming ceremony. Jaehyun had accompanied Jacob home to the dormitories instead of staying at the party. Distorted pieces of memory from that night flickered in Jacob’s mind: his body heavily leaning against Jaehyun as he sulked about some stupid thing; walking through the late summer night, soft rain glistening in their hair; Jaehyun with an impossibly sincere and vulnerable expression, staring unwaveringly at Jacob; the park outside their dorms, a cold soda can being pressed into his cheek to sober him up (“The night guard won’t let us in if you’re too drunk to walk.”); sharing Jaehyun’s small dorm bed as they whispered about nothing at all until dawn tinged the room in light gray and mellow blue tones… 

Jacob’s fingers twitched. He glanced at Jaehyun, who had his arm on the door’s armrest, his chin resting in the palm of his hand, his cheek pressed against the window. He was absorbing the wild nightlife of Seoul’s streets, in return they were bathing him with warm city lights. His dark eyes danced with green, pink, red, white as the neon signs outside whizzed past them. He seemed relaxed.

“What?”

“Huh?”

Jaehyun turned his head. “You’re staring at me; what do you want to say?”

Jacob thought about it for a second. “Thank you.”

Jaehyun’s eyebrows furrowed. “For what?”

“For not disappearing whenever I need space.”

A beat of silence later and Jaehyun was scrunching up his face, looking out of the window again. His lips were curled into the smallest smile. His eyes were bright as they chased Seoul’s streets. He sighed and looked back at Jacob.

“I thought it was pretty established that I’m not going to leave you.” He wore a tame grin, dimmed by tiredness and something else Jacob wasn’t sure how to read. “You’re stuck with me, whether you like it or not.”

With a needed playfulness, Jacob shoved Jaehyun’s shoulder. “What if I said I don’t like it—being stuck with you.”

“I’d know you were lying,” Jaehyun insisted.

“Oh, really?”

“Of course, I’ve known you for years.”

The taxi slowed down, their dormitories arising behind the campus park. It was a tall, rectangular building in the ugliest shade of gray. Underneath harsh sunlight, the cracks and peeled off paint were undeniable, but at nighttime it looked a little less undone. For the most part it was submerged in darkness, but a few windows were still lit—probably some students cramming for an essay or exam. 

The driver grumbled out the fee, taking Jaehyun’s bills and counting them pointedly. Jacob rolled his eyes, exiting the taxi. He heard Jaehyun mutter, “Keep the change, sir.” The driver didn’t wait long to speed off, clearly very done with driving young drunk people around.

Jaehyun rolled his eyes. “Glad that’s over.”

“I can’t really blame him.” 

Jacob yawned, stretching his arms above his head. Now that he had sobered up considerably, he felt the cold seep through his clothes and settle in his bones. He shivered, pulling on his coat. The rain had subsided to a soft drizzle, decorating their coats with small droplets that almost looked like snowflakes. 

Jacob glanced at the dark gray sky. “Do you think there’s still a chance it’ll snow this year?”

Jaehyun shrugged. He began walking towards their dorms. “I don’t know. I hope not.”

“Why not?” Jacob caught up with him, walking by his side.

“You know I don’t like the snow.” He grimaced. “It’s annoying.”

“But I like it. It makes everything less harsh.”

Jaehyun gave him a funny look. “Less harsh? I would think snow makes the world cold and unkind.”

“Noo.” Jacob shook his head. “There’s a childlike wonderment when it snows.”

Jaehyun laughed. “Speak for yourself.”

Jacob rolled his eyes, sighing in exasperation. “Whatever.”

The night guard—a master’s student named Jiyeon—was seated behind the desk by the main entrance chewing gum as she read a book about engineering. Her chin long black hair was tucked away under a blue cap, their college logo displayed at its front. She glanced up when the doors slid open, revealing their figures.

“Dry your coats or I will kill you,” she hissed, putting down her book. “Jaehyun-ah, I mean it.”

“Yes, noona.” Jaehyun rolled his eyes, but obliged, taking off coat to shake it out. Jacob followed suit.

Jiyeon sighed, eyeing them suspiciously. “I had a troupe of freshmen waltz in earlier leaving the place a muddy mess.”

“I imagine you made them clean up right after,” Jacob commented, offering her a piece of gum for the trouble.

She grinned, taking it. “Oh, you bet!” She gave them a once over. “I’m guessing the mingling in Rush Hour didn’t go too well.”

“Unfortunately not,” Jacob muttered. “As always, I’m stuck with him.” He gestured at Jaehyun, pulling a grimace.

Jaehyun jabbed his sides playfully. “He had a breakdown in the club. That kind of kills the mood.”

Jiyeon laughed, surprised. “Aw, Jacob!” She reached out to pat Jacob’s shoulder in consolation. “Well, at least you’ve got Jaehyun to keep you company. He’s like a loyal dog.”

Jaehyun scoffed in offense. “A dog…”

“Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy being a lap dog,” Jiyeon quipped, enjoying Jaehyun’s suffering immensely. “Especially to Jacob.”

“I’m too broke to be a dog owner,” Jacob interjected.

After another ten minutes of banter and gossip, Jiyeon shooed them toward the elevator, insisting that they were distracting her. Begrudgingly, they accepted their rather uneventful ending to the night. 

“Are you really okay?” Jaehyun asked once they were in the elevator. He had his hands shoved in his coat pockets, his shoulders were drawn up as he waited for Jacob to respond, giving him a child-like innocence. “You’re not just saying you are because you don’t want to cause any inconvenience?”

Jacob bit his lower lip, disliking the ease with which Jaehyun brought up Jacob's constant need to be palatable, hiding the truth for the sake of others.

“I’m really okay, Jaehyun,” he assured his friend. He was. He wasn’t pretending to be. He knew that with Jaehyun he could be honest, no matter how ugly the truth looked.

“If you aren’t, talk to me. Let’s do something radical. You’re allowed to be upset over this—you can hate Sangyeon hyung for breaking up with you.”

“It was the right call,” Jacob told him. The elevator stopped on the fourth floor, their shared room was the third door down the corridor. Jaehyun pulled out the keys, but he glanced at Jacob, waiting for him to finish talking. “We weren’t soulmates. He hasn’t done anything wrong by breaking up with me. In fact, he probably prevented a disaster,” Jacob said, a small self-deprecating laugh falling from his lips. “I think I’m mourning the loss of a relationship more than Sangyeon hyung. Which is pretty fucked up.”

“It’s not,” Jaehyun said immediately.

Jacob gave him a look. “Thanks. But you don’t need to make me feel better about it.”

“Maybe I want to—make you feel better.”

The admission spun them into a strange, electric silence. It was clear Jaehyun had more to say, but he was waiting for Jacob’s reaction, openly staring at him. He did this often: pushing and probing Jacob’s limits. Jacob was stunned, not by Jaehyun’s words necessarily—it often happened that Jaehyun’s tongue was quicker than his conscience—but by how the words made Jacob feel, his skin tingling, a fire curling in his abdomen. Or he was just drunk and lonely.

When the seconds stretched out like shadows, Jaehyun unlocked their room’s door, holding it open for Jacob. “What are you waiting for? An invitation?”

“Into my own room? Hardly.”

Jacob brushed past him, dignified, but Jaehyun’s remark swirled his mind incessantly. Maybe I want to—make you feel better. What the hell did he mean by that? 

Jaehyun pulled off his coat, throwing it on his desk—which often served as a laundry holder. He didn’t seem too perturbed by his own words, by the implications of what he’d just said. As inconspicuous as he could, Jacob glanced at his friend, trying to figure out if Jaehyun was unaware of the depths of what he had said or if he was pretending. 

It was hard to tell.

After switching on his bed lamp, Jaehyun sat on his own bed, untying his shoelaces. He had unbuttoned his shirt, and suddenly it seemed too intimate to be watching him. Jacob averted his gaze, focusing on himself. He shed himself of his coat and winter boots, taking off his clothes to slip into his pajamas. He was caught off guard when he found Jaehyun staring at him, a pensive look on his face. 

It struck Jacob; had they always been so unabashed around each other? 

“By the way, I bumped into Jung Jinsoul in Rush Hour; do you remember her? She asked if you were single,” Jaehyun brought up, way too casually.

Jacob only half-listened, stealing glances at Jaehyun as he changed into a gray t-shirt and a pair of loose sweatpants. It occurred to him that the juvenile crush he had two years ago was nothing compared to what he was feeling in that moment: the burn in his chest as his heartbeat increased, the desire to march over to Jaehyun and touch him, wanting him in a way Jacob had refrained himself from ever thinking of… 

“I told her to ask you directly. I figured you’d prefer that over me telling her you just got out of a relationship,” Jaehyun continued, unaware. “Might be a nice distraction from the heartbreak.” He glanced at Jacob. “That has been your thing, bouncing from one person to another.”

The comment snapped Jacob out of his lustful reverie. He squinted his eyes. “Are you judging me?”

“No, I’m just saying—”

“You are,” Jacob interrupted. “You are judging me.”

“I’m not.” Jaehyun looked down at his socked feet, adjusting them. “I think it’s perfectly okay for you to—”

“Don’t lie to me,” Jacob hissed. He stood up, not entirely sure what his intention was, but he wouldn’t let Jaehyun make him feel bad for having casual relationships, for the way he dealt with heartbreak. “If you don’t like it, at least be upfront about it. Don’t say things like that and then retreat. That’s not like you.”

Jaehyun sighed. “Fine.” He looked up again, his gaze flickering around Jacob’s face. He stood up as well; the few centimeters he had on Jacob became salient—or maybe because Jaehyun had an ability to make Jacob feel small. “I don’t like it. I don’t like that you have these casual relationships to conceal your hurt and loneliness. But I don’t judge you for it.”

Jacob clenched his jaw. “Have you ever considered that I like having them, these casual relationships? They’re fun. There is no talking, no obligations… It’s not all about masking pain. It’s not always some tragic story, Jaehyun-ah.”

Jaehyun held his gaze, a challenge written across his face. The innate push-and-pull of their relationship flared up, and Jacob wanted to argue, which he usually avoided like the plague, but there was just something about this Jaehyun that pulled out the worst in him. Jacob wanted to prove his point—whatever that might be. It easily became a battle of egos. 

“Why are you so bothered by it anyway? It’s none of your business,” Jacob inquired.

Jaehyun stood close to him; the warmth of his body, the scent of his perfume, the electricity of his emotions—they slowly built a bridge over to Jacob. In a way that was completely new to him, Jacob’s body was acknowledging Jaehyun’s presence.

“Because I’m jealous.”

Jacob’s lungs clung onto his next breath, making him dizzy. “Of what?”

Jaehyun stared at him, his eyes wide, like a deer caught in headlights. He looked funny, like he hadn’t meant to say that, but unlike his usual bravado whenever words slipped past his unrestrained tongue, this was an admission he truly seemed to regret. 

It made Jacob all the more curious. Because Jaehyun wasn’t the only one testing and probing limitations: Jacob liked to ask questions of his own, but in a much more subtle and unobtrusive way. The sudden desire to undo Jaehyun struck him, a strange desperation flooding him. A million words tumbled in his mind, all of which would ignite sensitive and unknown responses from Jaehyun, spinning them into a territory neither of them were familiar with.

But before Jacob could say anything, Jaehyun deflated, muttering, “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

And because Jacob never pushed over the edge, he let it go, too. Detached. “Okay.” Then he thought of it better. “Let’s talk tomorrow?”

Jaehyun seemed surprised, studying Jacob’s face attentively like he was trying to find something. Slowly, he nodded and sat back down on his bed. “Yeah, let’s talk tomorrow,” he echoed. “I’m sleepy.” To accentuate his words he let out a yawn, covering his mouth with his hand.

“It’s been a long night,” Jacob agreed. He hovered over Jaehyun’s bed. Despite their small argument, he didn’t want to sleep alone, and it wasn’t like they hadn’t had these kinds of bump-ins before. Still, the casualness with which he would have slipped into Jaehyun’s bed on any other day wasn’t there. There was a tension simmering beneath his skin that he couldn’t quite place; it wasn’t just discomfort after arguing.

Jaehyun sensed his hesitation, with a small sigh he moved so that Jacob could fit next to him. Jacob climbed into the small bed, shuffling until he was in a comfortable position, facing his friend. 

“Next time just ask,” Jaehyun muttered, reaching up to turn off the light.

“No, that’s embarrassing,” Jacob told him. Jaehyun’s eye roll didn’t go by unnoticed. Jacob jabbed him softly. “Non-verbal communication exists.”

“Sometimes people want to hear it.”

“Hear what?”

“What you want,” Jaehyun muttered.

Jacob shivered, pulling the blanket higher up. It covered half of Jaehyun’s face, who sputtered in protest. 

“What you want,” he parroted Jaehyun, putting on a mocking tone. 

Jaehyun sighed. “You’re annoying.” When Jacob only grinned in response, Jaehyun rolled his eyes again. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Bambi.” 

Jaehyun tried to whack him in response, but Jacob caught his wrist to stop him. He pulled down Jaehyun’s arm, securely holding it down. He was about to jokingly comment that Jaehyun was a dangerous animal, when he was caught by an overwhelming urge to slide his hand up to lace his fingers with Jaehyun’s. As if burned, Jacob let go, letting his hand rest millimeters from Jaehyun’s and playing it off as if nothing odd had happened. Jaehyun didn’t say anything, his gaze fixed on Jacob. He did, however, leave his hand next to Jacob’s.

In the dim blueness, Jacob’s eyes caught onto their soulmate-marks. Unlike tattoos—which faded with time—their marks were still a rich black, finely etched into their skin. Many times they had discussed whether they should cover them up with a tattoo like Chanhee had done with his own mark, but they hadn’t managed to do so. Jacob lacked the initiative to get it over with. 

And maybe it gave him an excuse to fall into this gray zone with Jaehyun, since both of them were stuck in the same condemning situation.

(They never addressed their argument in the morning, bonded by an unspoken agreement. Jacob woke up before Jaehyun, carefully slipping out of his bed to shower and rearrange his thoughts after the night. He was dead-set on letting it stay in that bubble, some truths could only exist in the dead of the night. Jaehyun didn’t seem particularly thrilled to speak about it either, his shoulders sagging in relief when Jacob launched into an unrelated rant about his unhinged guitar teacher.)

Now Playing: Every Time the Sun Comes Up by Sharon Van Etten (2:14)

(September)

Rain softly sprinkled the windows, it seemed that it would be another gray September day. Autumn had arrived early that year. But the bleak weather mattered little in comparison to what was happening inside the classroom as all attention was drawn on a single person: the class clown was boisterously announcing that it was his seventeenth birthday. 

Jacob massaged his temples, the loud voice was drawing him out of his sleepiness. He tugged at the sleeve of his hoodie in hopes of covering up his own soulmate-mark. It was partly covered by a colorful water-tattoo—a jumping fish surrounded by a boom of color like it was water. It was a stupid habit Jacob had picked up over the summer, procuring to cover it up with those ephemeral methods, because at the end of the day the mark would be on his skin forever. But it offered a layer of protection that he needed. He couldn’t bear with the prying stares and the judgment that would follow.

“I bet it’s something lame,” Younghoon muttered, referring to the loud kid’s soulmate-mark reveal. “That or ‘Shut up’.”

Jacob cracked a smile.

Younghoon and Jacob had met during their kindergarten days. The foundation for their friendship had been video games and a shyness that most had found unbearable, but they had made it work, becoming inseparable throughout the years.

“He’s not that bad,” Jacob tried to argue.

Younghoon raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Not that bad—? He’s obnoxious! Look at him.”

“Okay, yeah, he is,” Jacob agreed, easily.

They eyed the boy in question: Jaehyun. 

For about three years, ever since the beginning of high school, Jacob and Jaehyun had been in the same class. They had never talked much since they had wildly contrasting personalities, ran with different crowds, and hung out in different spots on school grounds. But they weren’t complete strangers either: they had been paired up for multiple group projects, sitting next to each other a couple of times. They were classmates at best, but Jacob wondered if Jaehyun even knew his name. He was so self-absorbed, and Jacob was so quiet, it seemed pretty impossible. 

The aforementioned boy was in the midst of explaining that he’d been wearing a bracelet to cover his soulmate-mark so the word would be a surprise for his seventeenth birthday. He wiggled his eyebrows in mischief, loving the undivided attention he got from his peers. Jaehyun always put on a show, no matter what he did.

Jacob couldn’t deny his own curiosity.

“I’m so glad my seventeenth birthday was during the summer vacations,” Younghoon muttered, his fingers brushing over his wrist absentmindedly. “I would hate having a crowd witnessing the reveal.”

Jacob hummed in agreement. His own birthday fell on the second to last day of May, but thankfully he wasn’t interesting enough to his classmates that, when he’d turned seventeen, no one had inquired about his soulmate-mark. A fact he was very grateful for because Jacob was an incredibly unlucky person.

On his seventeenth birthday his life had taken a huge turn, and not in the expected way. His soulmate-mark had finally been fully visible, but he’d guessed its meaning since his sixteenth birthday. He’d desperately hoped it would change, but the lines had steadily written out his own god damn name. Jacob. It was humiliating, it was frustrating, it was damning. How was he supposed to find his soulmate with this? So many had already called his name, so many more would. The mark was supposed to make it easier for him, not spin him into a crisis. As someone that liked to daydream, letting himself feel those fantasies intensely, disappointment had crushed him hard. 

Delusions, all of it. With slow resignation he was befriending the fact that he had to give up ever finding his soulmate, ever getting that ideal love story.

Jacob hated it—his name and the mark. 

“Show us, show us!” the classroom chimed.

“Drum roll, please!” Jaehyun demanded with a wide and barely contained grin on his face. That seemingly permanent twinkle of mischief in his eyes shone brightly. 

Haseul obliged, drumming her fingers on the windowsill.

Jaehyun unlatched his bracelet. Everyone held their breath, collectively hanging onto Jaehyun. His excitement vanished instantly, replaced by a confusion that slowly turned into hurt and anger. Jacob’s heart sank. Jaehyun’s discomfort was so easy to sense, the classmates that had gathered around him stepped back, giving him space.

“What does it say?” Haseul eventually asked, her voice curious and worried.

The silence was unbearable.

“It’s…” Jaehyun was still at a loss of words, utterly perplexed. He cleared his throat, discarding the bracelet unceremoniously. “It’s my own name,” he revealed. He looked up, a challenging look crossing his face, like he was daring someone to make fun of him. “It’s my own fucking name,” he repeated, his voice bordering on unhinged.

Unconsciously, Jacob pinched the skin of his wrist, near the mark. He felt relieved he wasn’t the only one with such a shitty soulmate-mark. Then he felt guilty for taking joy in Jaehyun’s misery. Lastly, he wondered if there was a chance they were soulmates. He discarded that last thought immediately, shuddering.

No. No way. No way in hell.

“Huh! That’s like yours,” Younghoon pointed out, a little too loudly.

Jacob shushed him, not wanting their classmates to know. He fumbled with his hoodie’s sleeves, pulling them down, even though the water-tattoo made that small ‘Jacob’ almost illegible. 

Unfortunately, their peers had heard them. Jaehyun’s eyes fell on Jacob, a strangely blank look in them. 

“What’s that? You had your mark and didn’t share it with the class?” Jeongguk inquired.

“He’s not obligated to do so, you know?” Younghoon said, challengingly. 

No one dared to say another word. Younghoon wasn’t an authoritarian person by any means, but, when it was necessary, he could exude an aura of importance, demanding to be heard and respected. His elegant, cold features helped with the intimidating act. 

Jaehyun brushed past his peers, uncaring and unkind. Younghoon hesitated, not stopping him from getting to Jacob, but he didn’t move away either, ready to jump in if Jaehyun crossed any line. 

Their classmates watched them like hawks, fascinated by the intensity of the situation. Up until that point, Jaehyun had always seemed like a thoughtless, loud kid, thriving when all attention was on him and liking to joke around. The Jaehyun from that moment was a complete stranger—not just to Jacob, but to everyone else as well. His eyebrows were drawn into a small frown, the expression in his eyes was toned down, all mischief and brightness gone. 

Jaehyun stopped in front of Jacob, slightly towering over him—he’d gone through a considerable growing spurt that summer, his clothes looking a bit comical in some places. Jaehyun’s gaze dropped to find Jacob’s hidden wrist, then his eyes lifted. There was a nearly imperceptible hesitation flowing through them, his body leaning away as if he was about to walk off again. His gaze roamed all over Jacob, as if he hadn’t been conscious before of who he was standing in front of.

“Jacob,” he muttered, his voice adopting a strangely soft tone.

(Jaehyun knew his name.)

Jacob tensed. “Jaehyun.” 

He despised how it sounded a little like a warning, a little like a plea. He was deeply uncomfortable with the situation at hand and the attention from their classmates. A big part of Jacob wanted to tell Jaehyun to leave him alone, but the larger part of Jacob was screaming at him to solve this in the most quiet and peaceful way possible.

“Show me,” Jaehyun demanded, reaching out his hand to take hold of Jacob’s wrist.

Despite his strong urge to refuse Jaehyun’s request, Jacob understood what Jaehyun was going through. When Jacob had discovered that his soulmate-mark was his own name, that there was a very slim chance of him ever finding his soulmate, he’d wanted someone to understand him and share his misery with. Someone to tell him that it was okay because he wasn’t alone.

Jaehyun’s desperation was familiar to him.

“I can’t,” Jacob said, snatching his arm out of Jaehyun’s grasp. 

An uncomfortable feeling sank into his stomach, his heart racing. Was he being too rude, too mean? He resisted the urge to chance a glance at their classmates, terrified to see their judging gazes. They probably thought he was selfish and awful for refusing Jaehyun’s request.

“You can’t or you won’t?” Jaehyun taunted, but his expression was imploring and desperate. He was so very close to breaking, clinging onto Jacob’s reaction.

With a strange suddenness, Jacob forgot all about their prying classmates, entranced by Jaehyun’s intensity and demanding nature. He glanced down at Jaehyun’s mark. Jaehyun. A word that suddenly became less—a name that became more. A moment of complete elation, lost so quickly.

Jacob tugged at the sleeves of his hoodie, running his thumb over the skin of his own wrist. The disappointment he’d felt up to that point in regards to his soulmate-mark flickered.

“It’s just my name. It’s not a big deal,” he muttered.

Jaehyun heard him, flinching like he’d been slapped. 

Strangely, Jacob believed his own words to be true: it wasn’t a big deal. Eventually, he would be okay. It was unfortunate, yes, but he wasn’t the only one. It didn’t stop him from living and marching forward. He would figure out how to live with this little jinxed situation. 

“You’re really okay with it?” Jaehyun inquired, baffled. “That you might never find your soulmate?”

His initial fear of being exposed in front of his classmates had almost vanished completely, leaving behind only a lingering confusion. He glanced around, into the faces of his peers, and found his fear of disappointing them, of being perceived as a selfish person fading into the background. He regarded his classmates with a new kind of perception; fuck them, he thought, bewildered, what do they know?

“Yes.” Jacob nodded, a bit of a dare in the gesture. “It’s not a big deal,” he repeated, brave and reassured in a way only a seventeen year old could be.

In a rush, Jaehyun exited the classroom, leaving his classmates in a dazed confusion. Jacob supposed he needed a moment to recompose himself. His feet jerked, wanting to chase after Jaehyun, but he stayed put. There was no reason for him to follow and comfort Jaehyun, they barely knew each other, and Jacob was only starting to find comfort in his own situation.

When their teacher walked in, the morning’s excitement died down immediately. 

(Jaehyun didn’t come back for the rest of the day.)

Words, one of many ways to shape a bond. There were two significant words in mostly everyone’s life. The first word that someone would ever speak; it marked the beginning of an important form of communication. The second most important word of a person’s life wasn’t spoken by oneself, it etched itself into one’s skin like a slow and painless tattoo, and on their seventeenth birthday it would be finally complete. This word was connected to one’s soulmate: it was the first word their soulmate had or would ever say to them. Usually, it was unique and telling, with a special story attached to it.

There wasn’t a discrimination against those that didn’t find their soulmate easily or those that had damaged marks—meaning their soulmate had already passed away by the time they turned seventeen—but there was a visible line drawn. It wasn’t too well seen if someone dated around or had casual relationships. There was the belief that they were being selfish and robbing someone else from their soulmate—from completion.

Jacob had once agreed with that stance, but he could no longer side with it. His thoughts regarding soulmates were slowly changing. He’d become an unfortunate one, and although he wasn’t dating around or having any one-night stands—he was seventeen, deeming himself too young for any of that—he couldn’t say he would never be tempted. Ideally, he’d live out wild college days. 

A part of him still held hopes that he would meet his soulmate after he graduated high school, but there was a new, unexplored thought that was taking shape in his mind: comfort in never finding his soulmate. He couldn’t say he was there, yet, still clinging onto the ideal. He watched his parents with a detached resentment that was difficult to maneuver through, dreaming of finding his soulmate; a perfect meeting under a beautiful blue sky, fireworks igniting his heart. But the recent instance in the classroom—Jaehyun utterly embarrassing himself in front of everyone—had made Jacob reflect. After researching for hours, finding blogs and books and podcasts of soulmateless people talking about their experiences, he realized he wasn’t alone.

And if these strangers had managed, so would Jacob.

Jaehyun came back to school a week after his seventeenth birthday. He was still his bright and obnoxious self, and he was still the center of the class, but there was a palpable, nearly invisible shift. Jacob often caught Jaehyun silently staring out of the window, as quiet as Jacob was himself, easily forgotten by their classmate. The pedestal Jaehyun had once stood on no longer existed. Jacob feared that many were entertaining Jaehyun out of pity or routine, but it wasn’t genuine anymore. They no longer looked at him like he was a fallen star or a god, now he was just fallen.

Jacob couldn’t say he liked Jaehyun, they were too different—and he didn’t like the way Jaehyun had approached him about the soulmate-mark in front of everyone—but he knew Jaehyun for one thing: his honesty. Jacob thought there was something inherently wrong about the way Jaehyun was now treated with a façade. 

Other times Jacob noticed Jaehyun staring at him. It was unnerving because as brutally honest and unfiltered as Jaehyun was, he was difficult to read, like he was constantly hiding the most important parts of himself. Jacob wasn’t an honest person himself. He was a people pleaser, which often required dishonesty. 

They were mismatched, really. Too different. Yet, they were stuck in a similar situation.

It was late September when Jaehyun finally approached Jacob directly. It was raining heavily, gusts of violent wind were shaking the windows. The Chemistry classroom’s heating system was broken, so Jacob was dressed in a thick cardigan pulled over his sweatshirt, his hands were tucked between his thighs. Their teacher was rambling away, his monotone voice barely registering in Jacob’s sleepy mind.

“Hey,” a voice whispered near Jacob, drawing him out of his mindless listening.

Jaehyun had elegantly switched seats with Jinsoul, sitting next to Jacob. He was quietly setting down his school bag and pencil case, his eyes never leaving the green-board. Jacob glanced at Jinsoul, betrayed. She shrugged, gesturing wildly, but Jacob didn’t understand her.

Jacob looked back at Jaehyun, who was dressed in his usual attire of washed out sweatpants and a hoodie. His dark brown hair was a tousled mess, growing longer than most boys liked to wear it, curling at the ends. Paired with his doe eyes and pointy ears, Jacob thought Jaehyun looked a little like a woodland creature—a deer, perhaps. 

“Are you cold?” Jaehyun asked, nodding at Jacob’s hidden hands. Jacob shrugged. He didn’t like talking during class, disrupting it. Jaehyun had never cared about that. “Do you want to wear my gloves?” He offered a pair of gray woolen gloves, they hadn’t completely dried from the morning’s downpour that had caught most students.

“No,” Jacob whispered.

“Are you sure? You shouldn’t have to be cold.”

Jaehyun was looking at him with worry, his eyes wide. He put his gloves on their shared desk, but Jacob kept ignoring the gesture. It was odd, he didn’t like this sudden change of pace.

“I’m fine,” Jacob muttered.

“Alright.” 

Jaehyun stared at him for a couple of seconds longer, which Jacob pointedly ignored, but his curiosity nearly made him turn his head to meet Jaehyun’s gaze. What did he want? When Jaehyun finally turned away, Jacob let out a small sigh of relief—and he realized he hadn’t listened to a single word their teacher had said.

They sat in silence for a while, dutifully taking notes. When Jaehyun shifted in his seat, his hoodie’s sleeves rode up and his soulmate-mark was revealed. Jacob couldn’t help himself, he glanced down at it: it was scratched out with a black marker. He looked down at his own concealed mark: that day’s water-tattoo was a little guitar in bright colors. 

“Yours looks nicer,” Jaehyun commented, pointing the tip of his pen at Jacob’s wrist. 

“Thanks,” Jacob muttered.

That was how it started—whatever ‘it’ was, really.

(October)

Jaehyun started to sit near Jacob whenever he got the chance and he teamed up with him during their Physical Education classes… Even during lunch breaks Jaehyun seeked Jacob out instead of sitting with his regular gaggle of friends. It was jarring to say the least.

Younghoon’s very useless verdict was the following: “Maybe he has a crush on you.” 

“He does not,” Jacob brushed it off easily, because Jaehyun didn’t. It didn’t make sense. They weren’t each other’s soulmates and they were too different. “I think it’s because of the mark…” He trailed off, unsure how to explain the notion of having an unreliable soulmate-mark and the slow tsunami of consequences that it brought. 

Younghoon simply wouldn’t get it. His soulmate-mark was a simple yet compelling enough word: new. 

How did Jacob explain uncertainty and anxiety to someone who would never have to worry about it? Younghoon was privileged. There was no way of making him understand that what drew Jaehyun to Jacob wasn’t Jacob himself, it was the stupid mark on his wrist—and not in the way that it was intended to work. It was the simple idea of not being alone, which was only understood by those that were forced to face it. 

“There he comes again,” Younghoon observed, ducking his head. He moved his fork around in his sad salad.

They were seated by the volleyball field’s bleachers, where the school’s team was playing a little set. Jacob was taking a short break to drink water. His eyes trailed up to the figure clad in sweatpants and a too thin hoodie. Jaehyun’s hair was unwashed and he reeked of Axe when he sat down next to Younghoon. He shot Jacob a smile before he pulled out his tuna-mayonnaise sandwich. Jacob couldn’t help but take a moment to stare at him; it never had occurred to him how profoundly human Jaehyun was. 

He supposed he had never really looked at Jaehyun long enough; the pedestal, the boisterous persona, the judgment—all standing in the way. Perhaps Jacob had been jealous in the past, unable to look at Jaehyun unfiltered, but he saw him right then. It was a small window that would eventually fall away, but Jacob clung onto the strange objectiveness dawning on him.

He observed the unruly state of Jaehyun’s brown hair, flatter than it usually was. The round shape of his nose, and his lips, thin but pouty—as if he was in a permanent state of petulancy and protest. (Which he was, Jacob pondered, Jaehyun was constantly arguing with someone, apologizing for his unfiltered words.) Those soft eyes, that widened whenever he said something too honest, too bold; that crinkled when he laughed, crow lines splitting his skin; that had Jacob call him Bambi in his mind. He noticed the wrinkled state of Jaehyun’s hoodie, not wearing a t-shirt underneath (because he had forgotten to set his alarm that morning, grabbing the nearest piece of clothing before storming out of the apartment); the washed out sweatpants he had been wearing throughout the whole week (because he’d forgotten to bring his unwashed clothes to the laundromat last weekend). 

Jaehyun was talking to Younghoon about a new weapon he’d acquired in League of Legends, unaware that a piece of tuna was stuck to the corners of his lips. His eyes were bright as he talked, his hands were flying with his words, each gesture was grand and meaningful. 

Jacob averted his gaze, squinting at the ground.

This was just Jaehyun, a boy growing up. That was all there was to him.

“Yo! Jacob!” Chan called from the court, waving him over.

Jacob turned away from Younghoon and Jaehyun, and jogged onto the volleyball court. He accepted the volleyball Chan handed him, positioning himself at the edge of the backcourt, ready to serve. He was the best at starting a game, setting a beginning point for his team. 

That afternoon Jacob couldn’t focus on the game, though. He was aware of the eyes that watched him from the side of the court. He knew if he stopped and turned, he’d see Jaehyun in his stupidly messy state staring at him like he held an answer. Jacob didn’t have an answer to Jaehyun’s predicament; Jacob was barely learning to deal with the consequences of his own soulmate-mark, he couldn’t take care of another person’s emotional trauma. 

Jacob stilled, spinning the ball in the palms of his hands, and stared at the opposite court, calculating where exactly he should place his serve. His team was winning, but in sports a victory could be turned around quickly. One slip of a player could mean the downfall for the rest of the team.

“What a creep,” someone muttered. Jacob glanced at the source of the voice. Jeongguk was looking at the bleachers. He was frowning deeply, pushing away his black hair as sweat slid down his face. 

Despite knowing what the outcome would be, Jacob followed Jeongguk’s line of sight. Jaehyun flinched when they made eye contact, looking down at his lap. He nearly dropped his half-eaten sandwich in his haste. 

Dongmin agreed with a snort. “Yeah, Lee Jaehyun is a weirdo. He was never really cool.”

Jacob pressed his lips together, disapprovingly. He wasn’t one to cause scenes or disrupt the natural order of events. Jacob didn’t like to be nosy or mingle in affairs that didn’t exactly concern him. Distractedly, he spun the ball between his palms again, pushing his tongue against the inside of his cheek. There was a thought he couldn’t quite let go…

No, it just wasn’t right. 

Jacob threw the ball in the air, noticing how all players immediately tensed and watched him attentively, and with a practiced move Jacob hit the ball with the side of his hand, sending it in Dongmin’s direction. When Jacob landed, he pretended to trip over his feet, playing everything off as an accident. 

“What the—” Chan jogged over to him.

Jacob stared at the sky above, the gray clouds were troubling. It would rain soon. His team surrounded him, talking over one another.

“Dude!” Jeongguk protested. “Dongmin’s nose is bleeding.”

Jacob blinked, innocently. He sat up. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

Chan stared at him, clearly not believing him. The rest of the team let it slip—or they didn’t want to get involved.

“Take Dongmin to the infirmary,” Chan ordered.

Jacob got up, dusting off his clothes. Subtly, he glanced at the bleachers. Younghoon was still stabbing his salad unkindly, probably cursing the day he’d decided he wanted to get into acting and thus needed to diet. Jaehyun had finished his disgusting sandwich, his hoodie full of crumbs, and was staring at the volleyball court with an alarmed look. His eyes met Jacob’s.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asked, standing up. He glanced at Dongmin, but his question was clearly meant for Jacob.

“Sure.” Jacob shrugged, unbothered. “It happens.”

“I’m fine, thank you for your concern,” Dongmin muttered, sarcastically. He looked at Jacob, expectantly. “Well, are you gonna take me to the nurse’s office or what? This was your fault.”

“Hey! Don’t scold Jacob. It was an accident,” Jaehyun objected.

Dongmin scoffed. “You have to be really stupid to believe that.”

Jacob’s ears burned at the inscrutable look Jaehyun directed on him. He ignored it, taking hold of Dongmin’s elbow to drag him toward the school building. The last thing he needed was Jaehyun trying to understand him. He really wished things would return to normal—at least to a normal in which Jaehyun wasn’t so entangled in his life.

“Why did you hit me on purpose?” Dongmin asked.

They were walking through the empty school corridors to the second floor where Mrs Hwang had her office.

“I didn’t.”

Dongmin scoffed. “Yeah, right!” He stopped, forcing Jacob to stop as well. “If you tell me your reason, I won’t tell Mrs Hwang you did it on purpose.”

Jacob heavily debated his options. 

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” he repeated.

Dongmin studied his face. Realization seemed to dawn on him. “Is it because of what I said about Jaehyun?” He frowned, but soon enough an amused and twisted smile took over. “Seriously? Is he your friend or something? Don’t you think he’s a little pathetic? Especially after his soulmate-mark was revealed.”

Jacob kept walking, ignoring Dongmin’s incessant taunting. It wasn’t really Jacob’s business, he wasn’t Jaehyun’s friend and he didn’t have much of an opinion about him. He just didn’t think it was right that people treated Jaehyun disguised in hypocrisy and backstabbing, accepting him with open arms and smiles, as if nothing had ever changed since his seventeenth birthday, only to look down on him when he wasn’t aware. Perhaps they had always done that and Jacob had never realized until now. 

Mrs Hwang fretted over Dongmin’s bleeding nose, who up-played his pain and misery by a lot so he could skip out on their afternoon classes. He shot Jacob a wicked grin before he laid down on the infirmary bed, lollipop in hand. Jacob rolled his eyes, exiting the nurse’s office. At least Dongmin hadn’t said anything to Mrs Hwang about how he had actually gotten the bloody nose. 

Jaehyun was leaning against the wall outside the infirmary. He looked up, startled. Jacob raised his eyebrows in question. He lingered for a moment, considering if he should say something, but he chose to stay quiet, walking ahead. 

Jaehyun stopped him, taking hold of Jacob’s wrist. “Jung Jaehyun told me Dongmin and Jeongguk were talking shit about me,” he observed. “Is that true?”

Jacob removed his wrist from Jaehyun’s grip, rubbing the skin. His water-tattoo was smudged, half of his name visible. Jaehyun caught it, his eyes zeroing in on Jacob’s soulmate-mark. He’d never actually seen it. 

“I don’t know. I was focused on the game,” Jacob replied.

Jaehyun wasn’t satisfied with that answer. “You don’t have to be nice or delicate with me. You can tell me the truth,” he said.

That was the problem. Jacob didn’t know how not to be nice or gentle with his words, always holding back, always thinking about the consequences that might follow, even if it tormented him. Jacob had learned to stay quiet, no matter what. It was the most beneficial for him and those around him.

Jaehyun clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Jacob. There is no one here. Just tell me. Did he say something about me?”

In that sterile corridor, with the first raindrops hitting the windows, Jacob made a decision. 

“Everyone is talking shit about you, Jaehyun. They pretend nothing has changed, but…” He trailed off, shrugging. “You’re not their god anymore.”

Jaehyun stared at him, his expression blank. Once again Jacob was surprised by how difficult reading Jaehyun was. Then Jaehyun laughed, the sound pierced the empty corridor. It was too boisterous and unhinged to be carefree. 

“I now understand why you never speak your mind,” he said, rubbing his eyes. He exhaled heavily, his laughter trickling out of his chest. “Your honesty is bruising.”

Jacob bit the inside of his cheek, unsure how to take Jaehyun’s words. “You asked for it,” he defended himself, suddenly feeling uncomfortable—too exposed. What if Jaehyun told everyone that Jacob had said something mean to him? Not that he had, but the truth could be harsh.

“I appreciate it,” Jaehyun said. He looked tired, but there was a sincerity in his expression that Jacob hadn’t expected. As if he had just waited to get hurt by the truth, as if he needed that unfiltered and ugly candor and Jacob had been kind enough to offer it to him. “I was getting tired of all the lies.”

Jacob couldn’t understand how someone wanted to get hurt, to lose all they had. Most people appreciated when Jacob stayed quiet, when he laced the truth with pretty bows, when he spoke gently and calmly.

Suddenly, Jaehyun pointed at Jacob’s half exposed soulmate-mark. “Does it get easier?” he asked. 

Still caught up in truthfulness, he answered, “Yeah. It does.”

Jaehyun’s whole body seemed to relax at once.

Now Playing: Lonely Hearts Club by Winona Oak (2:15)

(January)

Ignoring his incessantly vibrating phone, Jaehyun made his way through their school’s corridors. Younghoon had told him that Jacob would be in the music room. Apparently, he liked to seek it out when he had bad days. Jaehyun supposed that the volleyball team’s loss classified as a bad day. As a former basketball player, he understood the shame and frustration upon losing a match, competitiveness becoming a double edged sword that drove one to victory but took everything away the moment one had to accept defeat.

Jacob had never seemed like a competitive soul to him, his rather calm and quiet nature depicting the contrary. He didn’t seem to care about anything, detached in a way that was more than just nonchalance.

The school was mostly empty during those late hours, only a few students still lingered around. The corridors’s silence was eerie; Jaehyun immediately picked up a faint melody. He reached the music room, quietly opening the door so as not to startle Jacob. The boy in question sat cross-legged on the floor, an acoustic guitar in his hands. He was mindlessly strumming the strings, a devastated look on his face, his lips pouty. There were no tears in his eyes or a phantom of them on his cheeks, but he looked miserable nonetheless. 

Softly, Jaehyun knocked on the threshold to announce his arrival. “Jacob,” he called out.

Jacob turned around, putting down the guitar hastily. His eyes widened. “Oh. Jaehyun.”

“Hey.” Jaehyun tried to smile, but it froze when his phone started buzzing again in his pocket. He ignored it. “I heard from Younghoon that this is your hideaway…?” 

He looked around since he’d actually never been to the music room. It wasn’t as majestic as he’d been made to believe: in one corner there were towers of chairs, two large tables shoved to the wall; in the other corner stood cardboard boxes filled with books and music sheets; on the small stage was a black, sleek piano, it looked like someone had played on it seconds ago, its lid open. Jaehyun couldn’t detect any other instruments, but he spotted a storage room near the stage.

Tentatively, Jaehyun approached Jacob, sitting down next to him.

Jacob bit his lower lip, looking down at his guitar. He plucked one of the strings, it emitted a low rumbling sound. “Yeah, well, not much of a hideaway if people know about it.”

“Why are you hiding?” Jaehyun inquired, not bothering to beat around the bush.

Startled, Jacob looked up. He wasn’t quite used to Jaehyun’s straightforwardness, yet. “I’m not hiding,” he said, slowly. He frowned, realizing the blatant lie of his statement. “I—I just needed some space.”

“Why? Is it about losing the volleyball match?” Jaehyun asked. “It was just one match. The team is strong, you’ll recover.”

Jacob pressed his lips together. “It’s not just the match…”

“What else is bothering you?”

Jacob kept plucking the string in nervousness and discomfort. His body was tense, his jaw clenched. He looked like he was debating whether he should tell Jaehyun the truth or keep it to himself. 

Without thinking, Jaehyun reached out, covering Jacob’s hand with his own. He hoped for it to be a comforting gesture, but Jacob flinched, surprised.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine—”

“It clearly isn’t. If you disliked that, just tell me.”

Jacob glanced up, immediately looking away when he realized Jaehyun was staring at him. He fumbled with his fingers, no longer plucking the string, instead he was drumming them on the guitar’s carcass.

“It surprised me, that’s all,” Jacob muttered.

“Okay.” But Jaehyun didn’t try to reach out his hand again. “You don’t have to tell me what’s making you miserable, but you can trust me. I’m your friend. I can help you find a solution.”

Jacob laughed. It was a dry sound. Jaehyun frowned, not having expected this reaction.

“It’s not something you can find a solution to. Not everything has a solution,” he said, still not really looking at Jaehyun. “It’s about what I want to do in college. I thought, all this time, I would study music, but… I don’t know if I want to put my creativity on the line. I haven’t been able to compose anything since last summer.”

Looking down at his own hands, Jaehyun played with his bracelet. He had latched it back on his wrist after the reveal of his soulmate-mark. He thought about his own conviction of attending a sports’s oriented college until he had completely lost interest in sports last year, dropping the athlete dream. He’d started to look into more serious career paths, and with the help of the school’s counselor, they decided Jaehyun was best suited for marketing and advertising. 

He kept his gaze on his hands, biting the inside of his cheek. “I’m sure your creativity will come back to you. Maybe it just needs a break.”

Jacob shrugged. “I don’t think I want to risk that. I don’t… I don’t want to end up hating music,” he muttered, sounding scared and small.

“Have you thought of an alternative?”

“Yeah.” Jacob nodded. “I like graphic design and photography. I know it’s a creative career, too, but it scares me less than music. I looked into some universities in Seoul; even sent off some applications to visit their campuses…” 

“It sounds to me that you already made up your mind,” Jaehyun pointed out, delicately.

Jacob’s voice was thin when he said, “Yeah.”

The vibration of Jaehyun’s phone interrupted the quietude. 

Jacob looked at him, expectantly. “Aren’t you going to pick it up?”

Jaehyun shook his head, scoffing. “It’s no one important,” he disclosed. 

“How do you know? You haven’t checked the caller’s ID,” Jacob pointed out, a curious tilt to his head. He squinted his eyes, studying Jaehyun closely. “What are you hiding from?”

Surprised by the directness, Jaehyun shrunk. He wasn’t very used to people asking him about what he procured to hide away, but ever since his abysmally pathetic soulmate-mark uncovering, he had completely lost control over how he wanted people to perceive him. He wondered what perception Jacob had had of him all these years; he seemed so detached and uncaring that perhaps he had never regarded Jaehyun in any way. 

He looked at Jacob, who looked back, curious and open. With his heart beating fast in his chest, Jaehyun answered, “My mom. I’m hiding from my mom.”

Jacob’s eyebrows raised. “Oh.” He looked away again. “I’m sorry.”

“About what?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Then don’t apologize.”

Irritation crossed Jacob’s eyes, but it was gone quickly. He frowned. “Why are you hiding from your mom?”

Jaehyun kept fumbling with his bracelet. “Eh, she probably wants me to go get groceries or something.” He yawned. He glanced around, the music room had gotten darker than before, dusk approaching rapidly. January afternoons were quick to become nights. “I should probably go.”

“Do you mind if I tag along?” Jacob asked, standing up to lean the guitar against one of the cardboard boxes. “I want to get a snack.”

Jaehyun hesitated, feeling slightly exposed at the thought of having a witness. But this was Jacob, and Jaehyun couldn’t find a single reason to deny his request. 

“Sure. Let’s go.”

They walked out of the music room together.

For the past months, Jaehyun had worked on befriending Jacob. At first it hadn’t worked, Jacob had dodged Jaehyun’s insistent attempts, too polite to openly tell him to fuck off, and perhaps Jaehyun had taken advantage of that. He was good at pushing people’s buttons and testing their boundaries, but with Jacob it was difficult. It was a little frustrating. Jacob was considered the school’s sweetheart, considered pure and selfless, but Jaehyun thought it was bullshit, no one was that good. 

Jaehyun had glimpsed a harsher version of Jacob, someone who was hiding his anger, jealousy, frustrations in order to not make anyone uncomfortable. Jaehyun hated that. Jacob was a compulsive liar, not really a match for Jaehyun’s thoughtless honesty. Despite their different styles, Jaehyun hadn’t stopped trying to befriend Jacob.

“Thank you for coming to find me,” Jacob said when they reached their school’s gate. “I told Younghoon not to bother me, but I think… I think I needed someone to come and find me.”

Jaehyun shrugged, but his skin prickled. “Yeah, sure, no worries.”

Now Playing: Pink by LÉON (2:17)

(May)

Jacob would never forget the day Younghoon met his soulmate. For one because it was hilarious and Jacob had never seen Younghoon that flustered. For the more obvious reason, he would never forget it because it marked a clear distinction in their friendship. Jacob tried very hard to be a good person, he distanced and detached himself from negative emotions in the hopes they weren’t truly a part of him—it terrified him to think he was a faulty being. 

Jacob fought with jealousy. 

When Younghoon met Chanhee, Jacob’s first reactions were jealousy, envy, anger. He barely managed to hold it together in the pub as they threatened to claw their way past his tongue, but Jacob was very practiced in holding back words. They never saw the light of day. 

A warm hand found his own, hesitating to intertwine with his fingers. Jaehyun stood right next to him, watching the exchange with rapt interest. But Jacob could feel Jaehyun’s fingers trailing over his skin with the intent of distracting Jacob but carrying a doubt that was so unlike Jaehyun. Jacob desperately wanted to see his face. Neither of them moved an inch, awkwardly standing on the sides as all spotlight was on Younghoon.

“Fuck me,” Younghoon muttered, his face apologetic as he picked up the phone he had knocked out of some boy’s hand. “I’m so sorry for breaking your phone. See, it’s just a crack, that’s easily fixable.” He laughed nervously, staring at the stranger’s face. The boy in question was much shorter than Younghoon with a dignified posture and a blazing expression that would make anyone cower. Younghoon swallowed thickly. “Look, I bet it’s an old model so—”

“New,” the boy said, squinting his eyes until they were slits. He was seizing Younghoon up in a way that would have made Jacob incredibly uncomfortable. “The phone is brand new, you dick.”

New. The word echoed in Jacob’s mind. His lips parted in surprise at the same time as it dawned on Younghoon.

“Oh, fuck me…” Younghoon muttered again, flustered. He studied the boy’s face intently. His eyes were wide with wonder, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “I’m so—I’m so sorry. Holy shit!”

The boy seemed unimpressed. “Yeah, that wasn’t really the scenario I had in mind when I first read the words,” he said, showing his wrist reluctantly. “Now that I have found you, I can finally get a tattoo to cover it up.”

“I-I…” Younghoon was at a loss of words.

“Chanhee. Choi Chanhee,” the boy introduced himself as. “You are?”

“Kim Younghoon,” Jaehyun helped their friend out. “He’s not usually this incompetent at talking—or functioning as a human—I promise. He is very charming.”

Chanhee turned his eyes on Jaehyun and Jacob. “I’ll hold you to it.” He pulled out a small piece of paper from his wallet, which he handed to Jaehyun. “If he ever regains his ability to function, tell him to call me. We have a lot to talk about.”

“Sure thing.”

Chanhee gave them another unimpressed look before he walked off, joining his friends at a far away table. Younghoon stared after him helplessly.

“Way to go,” Jaehyun muttered, handing Younghoon the piece of paper. “He seems… nice.”

“Yeah,” Younghoon agreed, mindlessly. He glanced at Jacob. His face slowly lost the flabbergasted expression and instead a dopey smile took over, his eyes crinkling. Pure glee was written across Younghoon’s face. He let out a breathless chuckle as he unfolded the paper. It had Chanhee’s phone number written on it. “I met him. Wow! I met him, Jacob.”

“Yeah, you did.” Jacob tried to smile, he really did, but his face was contorted. His world had turned on its axis. So that was what it looked like to meet one’s soulmate—finding completion. “Congratulations!” 

Jaehyun stepped away from Jacob, their hands no longer touching. Tumultuous feelings raged in Jacob. He just wanted to go home.

“I love what we have got going here,” Jaehyun started sarcastically, waving at them standing in the middle of the pub, half-blocking the entrance, “but sitting down would be so much greater.”

Younghoon’s face scrunched up and he glared at Jaehyun. 

They shuffled over to their regular table by the windows facing the street, a row of comfortable leather couches awaiting them. Thankfully, it was opposite from the direction Chanhee had taken earlier, Younghoon was free to senselessly ramble about the encounter. 

However, before they reached the table, Jaehyun took hold of Jacob’s wrist—the one bearing his soulmate-mark—and stopped him. He looked worried. “Jacob,” he whispered, glancing at Younghoon, who was too distracted with having found Chanhee to pay them attention. “Are you okay?”

“Jaehyun,” he muttered, looking up at him. “I want to—”

“Guys?” Younghoon called, head tilted in confusion. 

“We’re coming!” Jaehyun let go of Jacob’s wrist, but he didn’t immediately walk off, staying by Jacob’s side. His presence was comforting, but Jacob was too ticked off to find his center. “Or do you want to leave?”

Jacob considered leaving, but he would just sit in his room while his roommate studied or skyped with his friends from overseas. He couldn’t crash at Jaehyun’s dorm, his roommate had strictly prohibited Jacob from sleeping over. (Mingyu was prissy like that.) The prospect of being alone in that moment only made his skin prickle uncomfortably. No, he was better off in the pub with his friends.

“I want to stay,” he answered, delicately detaching himself from Jaehyun to join Younghoon.

Jaehyun sat on Younghoon’s other side, fetching them menus even though they tended to order the same whenever they visited 50 Spades.

“May, 2017,” Younghoon muttered under his breath as he wrote the exact date down on his phone. Nervously, he fiddled with the device before he finally saved Chanhee’s number in it, his lips shaping into a dopey, lovesick grin. 

Jacob averted his gaze. “You should call him tomorrow morning—”

“Call him?!” Younghoon echoed. “Are you insane? I’ll send him a smooth, low key text message and—”

“You’re both hopeless,” Jaehyun interjected, shaking his head. “Invite him out for breakfast, talk face to face. Get to know him. All that jazz.” He made a theatrical gesture with his hand. “He’s your soulmate, you don’t have to be smooth and low key. You’re destined to be. He will love you as you will love him.”

Younghoon let out a long breath. “Yeah… Yeah, you’re right.”

“I know I’m right,” Jaehyun agreed, cheekily. He winked ridiculously, both his eyes closing.

Jacob relaxed as the night progressed, but he couldn’t detach himself from that simmering jealousy. Younghoon talked about Chanhee the whole night, exalted and unaware. Jaehyun easily spurred Younghoon’s good mood on, but he kept silently checking in with Jacob.

(Hours later, when Jacob lay in his bed, a thought kept bouncing around in his mind. That, what he was really jealous about, was the relationship Younghoon and Chanhee would have, rather than the soulmate aspect of it. After spending a lot of time pushing the idea of stable and romantic relationship away while enjoying casual relationships, he wanted to try for something more exclusive. His curiosity brimming.)

(October)

It was five months after Younghoon and Chanhee had met, summer had come and gone carrying the distinctive scent of sun-creme, the distant rumble of the sea (which always seemed louder during July and August), the sweetness of fruits on a starving tongue, and a fire in Jacob’s heart that was difficult to satiate. 

Jacob and his friends had spent some considerable time in Busan, where Chanhee’s aunt owned a little house near the sea. Jacob had seeked shade, talking to the locals—despite his quiet disposition, he didn’t shy away from socializing—and getting quite acquaintanced with the sea and its marine life. Younghoon and Chanhee had lazed around by the shore, while Jaehyun had miraculously befriended a group of local teenagers to play beach volleyball with.

All in all, it had been the kind of summer one started to miss the moment the leaves turned orange and the air was just a little colder than the day before. But Jacob found the warmth of summer sooner than expected. He accompanied Chanhee to his work place because apparently Younghoon had forgotten his backpack but was too busy to fetch it himself, so he’d asked Jacob to do it for him. And Jacob had gladly accepted it, being quite fond of Chanhee.

The Buried in Sand bookstore was situated in Jongno, near a little park. The bookstore was small and cozy, the kind that attracted people who adored reading and found solace in books, not just any clientele. A young boy stood behind the counter, dressed in a high school uniform—the name tag read: Kim Sunwoo—he looked bored until his dark eyes fell on Chanhee and Jacob. His black, curly hair bounced when he leaned forward on the counter, a devilish grin shaping his lips. Jacob’s first thought being, this kid is up to no good.

“Oh, hyung! Oh, Is that your infamous boyfriend? Yah, Sangyeon hyung, come out here!” he yelled, excited.

Chanhee rolled his eyes. “Shut up, brat. This is Jacob hyung, a friend,” he clarified. “And Younghoon is not my boyfriend.”

Sunwoo’s grin widened. “Well, it’s just a matter of time, him being your soulmate…”

Chanhee pouted, clearly displeased. 

A young man joined them from the backroom. He had soft looking brown hair, a big nose, and melancholic eyes. He offered a warm smile, ruffling Sunwoo’s hair, who protested vocally. He introduced himself as Lee Sangyeon, an old neighbor of Chanhee’s, and Sunwoo’s temporary supervisor. Automatically, Jacob’s eyes fell on the man’s wrists, but neither bore a soulmate-mark. Jacob managed to hide his shock.

“So, you’re not Kim Younghoon?” Sangyeon inquired. Jacob shook his head, still too surprised to speak. “What a shame, I had hoped to finally meet him.”

“No way, you two would only make fun of me,” Chanhee protested.

“I would never!” Sangyeon insisted, but he wore an easy grin, winking conspiratorially at Jacob. “What about him then? Am I allowed to hang out with him or will you try to prevent that, too?”

It was smooth, it was flattering. 

Chanhee studied them carefully. “Jacob hyung is an angel. You better not practice your evil shit near him.”

Jacob laughed at that. “Evil shit?”

“He means my pranks,” Sangyeon clarified.

“Oh, I’m into pranks myself,” Jacob said. He really liked the way Sangyeon smiled.

“Oh, no…”

“You kind of set yourself up there, hyung,” Sunwoo muttered, addressing Chanhee.

“You do?” Sangyeon inquired, completely ignoring Chanhee and Sunwoo. “I’ve been looking for someone to help me mastermind all these pranks…”

Sunwoo gagged.

Jacob just smiled, blushing slightly at Chanhee’s affronted sputtering.

“I would love to help,” Jacob said. 

They exchanged numbers—all the while Chanhee was gaping—and met up that night in Rush Hour. After a beer and some meaningless banter that had flirty undertones, Sangyeon dragged Jacob to the bathrooms, kissing him until every nerve in his body was on fire. They went home to Sangyeon’s mess of a flat—small, cramped, cheap—where they fucked on his couch because they were too impatient to walk the three steps to the bedroom.

At first, their relationship was just that; carnal. But Jacob’s mind couldn’t let go of that deep yearning for an exclusive relationship, for something more. Two weeks after their first meeting they began ‘dating’ or whatever it could be called: they put so many exceptions and rules on it that it was just a more committed version of friends-with-benefits. Jacob enjoyed it, and Sangyeon seemed happy. But despite the comfort it brought, they quickly realized it would be ephemeral. Sangyeon didn’t know what it meant to be in love, he had never had a soulmate-mark, he never would know; and Jacob didn’t know what he was doing, confused as ever, feeling too much and not enough; what was he missing?

It soon became apparent that all they did was play pretend.

Now Playing: Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys (2:18)

(March)

It was almost two months since Jacob and Sangyeon had broken up, the pain of it had become a strange lingering thought in the back of Jacob’s mind. 

Three months. 

They had dated for three months. A time in which he had enjoyed heartfelt, sweet gestures, awkward flirting, and intense kissing. Sangyeon had done everything in a careful manner, his kind sincerity a stark contrast to Jaehyun’s thoughtless honesty. Sangyeon had been good in a way Jacob had never thought about. Presenting a rather harsh exterior, liking to play pranks on his friends, but showing a completely different side when it’d been just the two of them. Sangyeon was someone that didn’t bask in the spotlight, who moved in the darkness, leaving behind a relieved sigh. He was the unexpected but welcomed steadiness when one thought everything was gone.

Still, Jacob and Sangyeon hadn’t been able to make it work. Not because of a lack of care or because they didn’t get along. But because there wasn’t a predestined security to their relationship, they weren’t soulmates. Sangyeon had said from the beginning he didn’t really date, but that he would try for Jacob. And, at first, Jacob had been ecstatic. Dating Sangyeon had been a marvelous and warm experience, but with time he had come to realize that it wasn’t the kind of ecstasy he had hoped for. 

They weren’t soulmates.

Their break up had been for the best. That way they could part with fond memories.

Jacob had been crushed, but it had been more about the injustice that he might never find a relationship that would satiate his deepest needs, that would make him feel complete… It hadn’t been all that much about Sangyeon. They had agreed to keep in touch.

For Jacob it had solidified his decision to keep his future sexual and romantic relationships casual, without any deep attachments.

It was a regular Wednesday afternoon, Jacob was sitting on his bed and finishing a reading for his Social Media Marketing class while Jaehyun sat at his desk, writing an essay on consumer psychology, which, as his continuous groaning and whining indicated, was not going too great. Jacob had learned to tune out Jaehyun. If he wanted to, he could focus on one thing for hours, but often Jacob let himself be distracted. Especially when it was Jaehyun. 

This time the distraction came in the form of a very distressed Younghoon stumbling into their room. With much flair, he sat on the edge of Jaehyun’s bed, distractedly folding a shirt that Jacob had discarded there earlier.

Jaehyun looked up from his computer, squinting his eyes. “This better be worth it. I was in the flow.”

A lot kinder, Jacob asked, “What’s up? You look awful.”

“Thanks!” Younghoon chirped, though his expression was anything but cheerful. “And fuck off, Jaehyun, you probably don’t have to hand in that essay for another two weeks.”

“Well…” Jaehyun licked his lips, slowly pressing the save button in OpenOffice before he faced Younghoon. “What the hell happened? I saw you two hours ago vibing in the cafeteria with Mingyu.”

Younghoon fumbled with a loose thread of his ripped jeans. “I got a call.”

“From who?” Jacob asked, confused.

“Chanhee.”

Jacob tensed. “What was it about?”

“He invited me to his flat. For a movie night.”

Jacob’s shoulders remained tense as he let the words sink in. They sagged the moment Jaehyun started to extensively curse. Nervously, Younghoon asked them to accompany him to Chanhee’s movie night.

“Why are you so nervous?” Jaehyun questioned, amused.

Younghoon glared at him, shoving Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Fuck off. I’m not nervous.”

“You so are,” Jacob said. 

“Don’t team up against me!” Younghoon protested in a whine. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Fine, I’ll just go by myself. But Chanhee will be disappointed; he loves you, Jacob!”

“He does,” Jaehyun agreed, pouting.

“Don’t disappoint him,” Younghoon pleaded. “He really wants to see you again.”

“Well, he is adorable,” Jacob said, tapping his chin as he pretended to think about it. He had already agreed to tagging along when Younghoon first had brought it up, but Jaehyun’s look had been one of mischief, wanting to tease Younghoon. And Jacob had a hard time denying Jaehyun’s playfulness. “It’s been a while since I last saw him…”

“Is that a yes?” Younghoon pressed. He leaned forward, taking Jacob’s hands in his to squeeze them. “Please don’t make me go alone. He makes me so stupid-nervous,” he admitted in a mumble.

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows, victoriously. 

“I will go,” Jacob said, deeming it enough teasing. He looked at Jaehyun, adding, “You’re coming, too.”

“Ugh, do I have to? I don’t think that Chanhee’s taste in movies is compatible with mine.”

“Actually, he said I get to choose. And I want to watch the original Star Wars trilogy. He hasn’t seen them, yet.”

Jaehyun shook his head in disappointment. “See. That’s what I mean—incompatible.”

“Don’t be mean to him,” Younghoon hissed. 

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, but kept quiet. It wasn’t that he hated Chanhee, but they were wildly different, their personalities clashing. It was a miracle they could hold civil conversations whenever their group hung out.

“Are we finally going to meet Chanhee’s elusive flatmate?” Jacob asked.

“Ah…” Younghoon pressed his lips together, averting his gaze. Jacob picked up Younghoon’s discomfort and doubt immediately. “I don’t think so. Changmin is going through some complicated things right now… I’m not allowed to tell you, but it’s—bad. Really bad.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that,” Jacob said. 

There wasn’t much he knew about Chanhee’s flatmate and why he was so reluctant to meet them, but he’d overheard snippets here and there about incompatibility with his soulmate. The idea that even soulmates weren’t meant to be was a little surreal to Jacob so he tried not to dwell on it too much.

Chanhee’s movie night fell on a warm Saturday mid March, when spring was approaching hesitantly. After ordering too much food and microwaving three bowls of popcorn, the four of them had settled in the apartment’s living room. 

Younghoon had taken the beanbag, patting his lap in a partly joking manner, something that had Chanhee wrinkling his nose in indignation. Jaehyun and Jacob had taken the couch, leaving enough space for Chanhee. Younghoon, in the least subtle way possible, had scooted the bean bag over to the couch so that he could try to hold Chanhee’s hand. It was endearing, something Chanhee tried to ignore very pointedly. 

Jacob thought that Chanhee’s attempts at pushing Younghoon away and claims that he really hated affection were becoming less and less. He was faltering at keeping his distance. Younghoon’s soft yet demanding nature had enchanted Chanhee, even if he wasn’t ready to admit that.

It had been hours since their movie marathon had started, they were half way through the second Star Wars movie—The Empire Strikes Back. On screen, Han Solo and his crew were swallowed by a gigantic worm, not yet realizing they were inside a monster’s stomach. Princess Leia’s nagging brought a smile onto Jacob’s face. She was his favorite character.

Chanhee was typing away on his phone, completely ignoring the movie. He had established from the beginning he wasn’t into the science fiction genre at all, claiming that all ‘nerd shit’ was the same and infinitely boring. Younghoon had been sad for about five minutes, then the starting credits had stopped scrolling and his attention had shifted. Despite his strong claim, Chanhee did occasionally grace the movies with his attention. 

Throughout the movie, Jacob had progressively slipped further into Jaehyun, his back fully leaning against Jaehyun’s chest now. It was slightly uncomfortable since Jacob had to crane his neck to see the movie properly, but he couldn’t bring himself to move—didn’t want to move. Jaehyun was absentmindedly holding Jacob’s arm, drawing circles into his skin. Whenever a tense scene on screen went down his grip would tighten, causing Jacob to shiver almost imperceptibly. 

Part of Jacob was cringing, and scolding himself. Why was he letting Jaehyun’s gentle, thoughtless caressing affect him so much? He should detach himself and put distance between them before it was too late. Jacob wasn’t stupid, he knew that the way his body reacted would only increase, especially if he stopped putting a restrain on himself. 

After a lot of internally fighting, he attempted to change his position, which only ended in Jaehyun reaching out his other arm to push Jacob back down, muttering, “Don’t move, or else I can’t see the screen.”

Chanhee glanced at them, which immediately prompted Jacob to pout, as if he was not enjoying his current predicament, but he cursed his reddening face. Chanhee’s look was too knowing, his eyes scattering back to his phone, but his eyebrows raised.

Inwardly, Jacob cursed. He decided to blame everything on the beer he’d had earlier, when they had ordered takeout for the first Star Wars movie.

Jacob craned his neck so he could look at Jaehyun. “But I’m uncomfortable.”

Jaehyun glanced down at him, slowly releasing his hold. 

Sitting up straight, Jacob stretched his back and neck, reaching forward to drink some soda and grab a handful of stale popcorn. He was resolute to stay as far away as possible from Jaehyun for the remainder of the movie marathon. His strong resolution crumbled when Jaehyun knocked his knee into Jacob’s, trying to get his attention. Jaehyun hadn’t moved much, and it looked like he was waiting for Jacob to lie back down.

Counting to five, then hating his weak mind, Jacob slowly settled himself back into his previous position, his heart beating fast.

This was bad.

Remember this is Jaehyun, he told himself, hoping it would make him snap out of it. Unfortunately (and unsurprisingly) it only made matters worse. Because this was Jaehyun.

Jacob thought back to that strange moment some weeks ago, after hitting up Rush Hour, when he’d felt unmistakably attracted to Jaehyun, wanting to touch him, kiss him. He’d thought it was a slip of his mind, caused by inebriety and loneliness. He wasn’t really drunk now.

Younghoon paused the movie, startling Jacob. His heart nearly launched itself out of his chest. He sat up, looking at Younghoon expectantly.

“I… was going to pee,” Younghoon said, frowning at Jacob’s strange reaction. “And I was going to make more popcorn.”

“Yes, please, I need a break,” Chanhee agreed, stretching out.

“You weren’t even watching the movies,” Jaehyun muttered.

“I was,” Chanhee insisted. He addressed Jacob, “By the way, Changmin has an aquarium. Younghoon mentioned you’re a fan of—fish?” He sounded doubtful. “In any case, if you want to check it out, feel free. Changmin gives you his permission.”

Jacob practically leaped out of the couch, stumbling to the only closed door in the flat. He opened it carefully. He knew Changmin wasn’t home, but it didn’t feel right to barge in. The lights were off except for the ones in the aquarium, which gave the whole room a blue shimmer. Changmin’s room was full of little figurines and neon lights, and some half-finished drawings. Clothes were scattered on his bed, a laptop on top of them, headphones dangling from it.

Without taking in too much of his surroundings, deeming it inappropriate to snoop around, Jacob walked up the aquarium, studying it. There were two different types of fish, swimming in circles, calming some of Jacob’s inner turmoil.

Approaching footsteps dragged Jacob out of his reverie. He didn’t have to look up to know it was Jaehyun who had joined him, his stupid perfume was a dead give away. 

“We’re in the sea, who do you save: the fish or me?” Jacob asked without much thought. Anything to kill the nervous and anticipating flutter in his abdomen.

“Jacob,” Jaehyun said, amused. “If I save the fish, they’ll die.”

“I know that,” Jacob said, quickly. “This was a test. You had no option but to save me. Actually, there never was an option. This was merely about me—you saving me,” he rambled, embarrassed.

Jaehyun laughed, nudging Jacob’s shoulder with his. Mildly frustrated, Jacob looked up, pouting, he was ready to fight him if necessary, but he got stuck on the shades of blue dancing on Jaehyun’s skin. It was mesmerizing.

“What?” Jaehyun asked, still mid laughter. He jerked his chin to accentuate his question, but it was a sign of nervousness, too. 

Jacob parted his lips. “You look like water.”

Jaehyun frowned, confused.

“I mean—I mean the reflection of the aquarium on your face,” Jacob clarified, feeling stupid. “It’s…” He reached out his hand, then thought of it better and let it drop, “It looks cool.”

Jaehyun’s eyes danced around Jacob’s face. “Yeah. It does. It reminds me of when we were in Busan last summer and…” He trailed off, looking away from Jacob, and cleared his throat. “Doesn’t matter.”

Jacob pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, desperately wanting to demand Jaehyun finish his sentence, but he held back. He turned to look at the aquarium again, overly aware of everything around him. The sound of the water splashing, where the pump was working its wonders, and the quiet whirring of its engine; Younghoon and Chanhee’s voices in the living room, their occasional laughter; the first kernels starting to pop in the microwave… 

Jacob was aware of Jaehyun standing right next to him. And he thought about the firm decision he’d taken not too long ago, of keeping his non-platonic relationships casual and without deep attachments. He cursed his easily swayed mind because in that instant he was so tempted to throw any and all precautions out of the window—so tempted to reach out and kiss Jaehyun. 

Ceaselessly, his heart was drumming away. He swallowed. “Jaehyun—”

“We should probably head back,” Jaehyun said at the same time. He halted, looking at Jacob. “Huh?”

“Nothing,” Jacob muttered. “I was going to suggest the same.”

He tucked his desire away, a nervous flutter extending over his skin.

(March)

50 Spades was situated a few blocks away from their university, in the heart of the Mapo district. It was a cozy, two floor pub with dark wooden furniture, red plaid tablecloths, and dim lights. On the weekends, the owners freed up space in the back to improvise a small dance floor. For those that didn’t like dancing there was a Billiards table and a dartboard available in the upper floor, and for some quietude there was the resting area—a room with comfortable couches and seats where people usually played card games in, it offered a nice change from the loud music and crowded main rooms. 

The pub had become their regular hangout spot to celebrate birthdays or holidays, recharge once exams season was over, reunite after Jacob’s volleyball games… Pretty much a place they met at for any news (good or bad) they had to share. That Saturday late March was no exception: their group was gathered in 50 Spades to celebrate that Younghoon had gotten scouted by an entertainment company—SUBAK Entertainment. It was small but had a wide repertoire of clients and a fairly good reputation. Naturally, Younghoon had accepted their offer, and had signed the contract the previous day. His dream of becoming an actor was closer than ever. Jacob was incredibly proud of his best friend.

That evening it wasn’t just their regular triumvirate—Jacob, Jaehyun, Younghoon—meeting in 50 Spades, they were joined by Chanhee, who had brought Changmin with him. Finally they would meet the elusive best friend and flatmate.

Changmin was a Film student, attending Hongik University as well. He was witty, a little mean, and quite hilarious. Much like Chanhee, Changmin did struggle to befriend Jaehyun, put off by his unfiltered and straightforward personality. But Changmin gracefully handled Jaehyun, matching him with some bluntness of his own. Jacob could see why he was Chanhee’s best friend.

“Is he… Is he always like that?” Changmin asked no one in particular, glaring at Jaehyun with contempt.

Jaehyun had left with Younghoon to get them another round of drinks. He had teased Changmin for his choice of beverage, claiming it didn’t quite fit his image.

“Jaehyun-ah?” Jacob inquired, eyebrows raised. He let out a small laugh, entertained by Changmin’s directness. “Yeah, he’s always like that.”

“How do you handle him? I would have killed him by now.”

Jacob glanced at the bar counter, where Jaehyun and Younghoon were clearly deeply invested in a conversation, gesturing around wildly. Younghoon’s boisterous laughter floated over to their table. As if sensing Jacob staring, Jaehyun lifted his eyes, their gazes meeting. Jaehyun smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

“Oh,” Changmin breathed out. 

Jacob looked away. “You kind of just get used to him,” he answered.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s it,” Changmin muttered, appalled. 

“What—”

“Changmin,” Chanhee said, reproachfully. He turned to look at Jacob. “Hyung, sorry to be rude, but Changmin is right. You must really like Jaehyun to endure his bluntness. He doesn’t think before talking, I could never deal with that…”

Changmin shook his head in agreement. 

Jacob pouted. “Don’t slander him.”

Subtly rolling his eyes, Chanhee said, “You know, better than anyone, how unbearable he can be. You live with him.”

Changmin coughed, looking at Jacob with wide eyes. “You two live together?”

“In the dorms, yeah,” Jacob said, feeling a need to clarify. “We don’t actually live together.”

“Younghoon hyung told me you two applied early so you could room together,” Chanhee pointed out, exchanging an amused look with Changmin. Jacob sensed that there was a conversation going on between the two, one he was very much excluded from.

“Well…” Jacob shrugged. “Better than to live with a stranger, don’t you agree? I mean, you two live together as well, you gotta understand what I’m talking about.”

“Fair enough,” Changmin agreed. “I still think you are an angel for tolerating him.”

“He’s really not that bad,” Jacob insisted, irritation simmering below his skin.

“Yeah, you just get used to him,” Chanhee repeated Jacob’s words from earlier. “It seems you really got used to him.”

Tilting his head in confusion, Jacob asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you don’t realize how annoying he is,” Changmin said, a half grin tugging on his face. He looked a little insane like that, studying Jacob with a sickening fascination that hadn’t been there before. “You spent so much time with him you’ve become immune.”

“Ah…” Jacob was at a loss of words. He thought about Jaehyun’s straightforwardness, his lack of tact—had he really become so used to it he no longer noticed it? He remembered finding it unbearable when he first met Jaehyun, but nowadays it rarely disturbed him. “I guess I have become immune,” he admitted, laughing.

Changmin and Chanhee exchanged another heavy glance, but they didn’t further inquire about the topic. Instead, Chanhee changed to rant about his work place.

“Sunwoo is the worst,” he whined. “He is the devil! I swear he was put on Earth just to annoy me!”

“I thought Younghoon hyung was put on Earth just to annoy you,” Changmin muttered.

Jacob’s eyebrows raised at that. “Younghoon annoys you?”

Chanhee pursed his lips. “Yes,” he said. Jacob stared at him, confused. He had the impression that, despite his dramatic and frustrated act, Chanhee enjoyed Younghoon’s presence. “No.”

“Which one is it? Yes or no?” Younghoon asked, standing right by their table. He was holding three drinks, setting them down one by one. His eyes were trained on Chanhee, a shit eating grin on his face.

“I—” Chanhee struggled to find a clever, snappy reply, his cheeks turning pink. He crossed his legs, straightening his back. “I refuse to answer that.”

Smoothly, Younghoon slid into the seat next to Chanhee, slinging his arm around Chanhee’s shoulders. “Good thing I know the answer.”

Jaehyun arrived, putting down another two drinks, sitting in between Younghoon and Jacob. He exchanged an amused look with Jacob.

“You don’t,” Chanhee insisted, petulantly.

Changmin was grinning devilishly, sipping from his mojito as his eyes switched from Chanhee to Younghoon.

“I do.”

Chanhee turned to look at Younghoon, challengingly. “Oh, yeah? What is it then?” 

“I’m your soulmate,” Younghoon said simply, a steady assurance in his voice that made Jacob jealous. “Of course I annoy you, but it doesn’t matter.” 

Changmin let out a small cry of delight.

Younghoon grinned cheekily at Chanhee, who looked traumatized beyond belief. 

“That was so cheesy,” Jaehyun muttered.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” Chanhee said. “That was so gross—”

“Ah, but it made your heart flutter!” Younghoon exclaimed. “Didn’t it?”

“I’m leaving,” Chanhee announced, trying to escape his seat.

After Changmin managed to simmer down Chanhee’s indignation and embarrassment, their group fell into easy banter. They talked about their arduous classes and the ever approaching exams season—in the case of Chanhee, he ranted about his two jobs, one at the bookstore, the other as a household assistant at a queer company. 

About an hour later they were pleasantly buzzed, digging into a small celebratory cake Jaehyun had asked the waiter to bring them. Changmin started humming the tune of ‘Happy Birthday’, belatedly realizing they weren’t, in fact, celebrating Younghoon’s birthday. Laughing about his mishap, Changmin punched Younghoon’s shoulder in embarrassment. 

Birthday or no birthday, the small gesture got to Younghoon, making him an emotional (and drunken) mess. With eyelashes sticking together and tear stained cheeks, he tried to give a little speech of appreciation that he ended up struggling through.

“Because you’ve been with me from the beginning I—” Younghoon sniffled. “It’s been an insane five years…”

Jacob patted his friend’s back, nodding to the nonsensical string of words. Jaehyun tried to interpret Younghoon’s mumbling, laughing at the dramatics. Overall it was a pretty regular celebration for them: unnecessary dramatical speeches, tears, Jaehyun being a little shit… 

“You asshole!” Younghoon shoved Jaehyun into Jacob, taking the tissue Chanhee was handing him. “You’re the worst, laughing at me right now—”

Jaehyun waved his hand. “You’re cute.” He squeezed Younghoon’s cheeks, who dabbed away the snot helplessly.

“You’re a mess,” Chanhee muttered, but it was unclear who he was referring to. He took the tissue out of Younghoon’s hand, carefully dabbing at his face.

Jacob felt a pang of affection for the group—including Changmin and Chanhee, who were relatively new acquaintanceships to him. Unconsciously, he let himself lean into Jaehyun, who had his arm swung around Jacob’s shoulders. It was a natural response that he had never questioned too much, but Changmin and Chanhee’s words earlier, and the obvious once over Chanhee gave them in that moment made Jacob’s skin burn. 

It wasn’t that Jacob was a dense person, he was aware of the flirtatious undertones his friendship with Jaehyun had and the way Jaehyun seemed very fond of him, but he just hadn’t wanted to take a closer look. He liked for things to be playful and trivial, and not let some invisible burden ruin it.

He didn’t like that Changmin and Chanhee had so easily seen through the façade, finding something Jacob wasn’t yet sure was truly there.

Around his shoulder, Jaehyun’s arm tightened, unconsciously pulling Jacob closer to him. Jacob’s ears burned, trying to rearrange himself so it wasn’t too obvious, but the moment he stopped shifting around in his seat, Jaehyun just leaned back into him, all while he was talking to Changmin about some cursed design program they had to use for their classes. Jaehyun didn’t even appear to be aware of how close they were sitting, that Jacob felt the reverberations of his laughter; that the scent of his perfume and whatever scent was inherently his own were overpowering; that his warmth spread through Jacob, making his heartbeat ever so slightly faster than before… 

Assimilating their closeness, Jacob ducked his head in shyness. He wanted to disappear, but his cheek accidentally bumped into Jaehyun’s collarbone, who paused mid sentence, glancing down at Jacob.

Jaehyun hummed, expecting an answer from Jacob.

“It’s nothing,” Jacob muttered, hurriedly, horrified. 

“Let’s do something crazy!” Changmin chimed in, finishing his fourth mojito. The twinkle in his eyes screamed trouble. 

“If it isn’t occupied, we could play Billiards, but it would be pretty embarrassing for you guys,” Jaehyun suggested, his tone boastful. “I’m undefeatable.”

Chanhee frowned, deeply offended by the statement.

“Eugh,” Changmin gagged.

They agreed to check out the upper floor and see if the Billiards table or the dartboard were free. They pushed through the crowd of people, ascending the stairs with difficulty. Changmin was practically hanging off Younghoon’s arm, drunkenly stumbling up the stairs. When they reached the upper floor, Jaehyun practically bounced over to the Billiards table, hastily waving them over. It was incredibly rare to get the table, usually it was crammed with people. It seemed they were in luck that night. 

“I bet I’m better than you at Billiards,” Jacob said.

“You’re on,” Jaehyun declared, pointing his index finger at Jacob.

Instinctively, Changmin tried to bite his finger, but Jaehyun was quick to retrieve it, yelping in fear at Changmin’s ferocity.

“Right, sorry. I forgot to mention he’s half marten or whatever,” Chanhee commented, pulling Changmin back by his collar. “He bites when he drinks.”

“Oh, great, we’ve got a biter,” Jaehyun muttered, eyeing Changmin cautiously.

“Don’t taunt him,” Chanhee warned. “If he wants to, he could ruin your life.”

Jaehyun looked at Changmin in mild terror. Changmin had moved onto his next target, which happened to be Younghoon’s arm, but Younghoon didn’t seem to mind, enduring it as if Changmin was a frustrating yet cute kitten. Jacob guessed this wasn’t the first time Younghoon found himself in this predicament.

“Never in my life have I played Billiards and I don’t plan to,” Chanhee declared, his arms crossed in front of his chest in that petulant way Jacob had observed he tended to do. “But you two have fun!”

“Aw, come on,” Jaehyun whined.

“Are you three really not going to play?” Jacob inquired, pouting for good measure.

“I can play,” Changmin offered, a devilish grin spreading out on his face.

“Absolutely not,” Chanhee and Jaehyun said at the same time.

“I’m afraid I’m stuck looking after him,” Younghoon said, gesturing at Changmin.

“No, it’s fine, you can go play, hyung,” Chanhee insisted. “I can take care of him. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Younghoon shook his head. “No, I’m staying with you two.”

“Hyung, it’s okay—”

“Chanhee,” Younghoon interrupted him, a soft yet stern look on his face. “I know you can take care of your friend by yourself. I want to hang out with you two. It’s fun.”

Chanhee seemed to deflate, his shoulders sagging. He looked at his shoes and sighed, his face was pink. “Okay,” he muttered. He grabbed Changmin’s elbow, dragging him away without saying another word. They settled down at a nearby table in a corner.

“You two behave,” Younghoon told them before he followed Chanhee and Changmin.

“We always behave,” Jaehyun said.

Jacob looked at him, eyebrows raised in disbelief. “You absolutely do not, Bambi.”

Jaehyun frowned, startled. “Don’t—!” He pointed his index finger at Jacob again, struggling to find his words. “Don’t use that nickname on me in public.”

“Why not?” Jacob questioned, searching his wallet for a couple of coins so they could get the Billiards balls and start the game. “Hey, so, do you really want to bet something?”

Jaehyun pursed his lips, the tips of his ears pink. “Yes. I’m confident I’ll win against you.”

“Dream on—” he considered the pros and cons of riling up Jaehyun, and with a grin he added, “Bambi.”

Jaehyun reached around the table, trying to slap Jacob’s arm, but Jacob was quicker, dodging out of the way, laughing. Jaehyun made some crude gestures, promising to obliterate Jacob in Billiards. Jacob feigned to be impressed for about two seconds before he giggled, utterly amused by Jaehyun’s dramatics. Jaehyun tried to be stern, but his resolve had never been strong when it came to Jacob, a soft grin blooming on his face.

“Rock, paper, scissors to see who goes first?” Jaehyun inquired.

“Sure,” Jacob agreed. “What do we bet on, though?”

“If I win you owe me a favor—”

“Noo.” Jacob shook his head vehemently. “That’s too boring.”

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows, curious. 

“If I win,” Jacob said, tapping his chin in thought, “you have to kiss someone tonight—like someone in 50 Spades. You go up to them, work your little charm, and then you kiss them.”

Jaehyun looked a little shocked at the suggestion. “You seem very confident in my charms. That stuff only happens in movies, Jacob, not in real life. I highly doubt anyone would—”

Jacob rolled his eyes, scoffing. “Pshaw, spare me! Don’t pretend you don’t know that you’re good looking and know how to flirt.”

“Oh, I know, but it still is unrealistic to just find someone willing to kiss me. Honestly, this only happens to you because you’re—” Jaehyun hesitated, stuttering over his words, “because you’re you.”

Jacob laughed. “Yeah, whatever that means. If you’re so shy, just don’t lose.”

Jaehyun’s gaze flickered over Jacob for a few seconds, considering the bet. “Okay. If you win I have to kiss someone. However, if you lose you have to kiss someone in here, too. Someone you know.” 

Smugly, Jaehyun grinned at Jacob’s whiny protests. Half of Jacob’s volleyball team was reunited at a table nearby, and earlier he’d spotted some of his classmates downstairs at the makeshift dance floor. Obviously, Jaehyun was testing him, giving him a chance to back out from the challenge, but Jacob wasn’t going to let him win.

“You’re on.” He extended his hand, ready to set the bet.

“Oh, you’re so going down, Jacob.” 

An electrical tension cackled between them as they shook hands; Jaehyun’s grip was firm, his grin maniacal. Spurred on by winning the rock-paper-scissors game, Jaehyun teased Jacob further, promising him he wouldn’t even get a chance to play.

Jaehyun’s big mouth betrayed him, though—as it often happened. Jacob barely suppressed a grin when the white ball bounced from one wall to another, completely missing the ball Jaehyun had aimed it at. 

“Real impressive,” Jacob said, clapping sarcastically. “I definitely underestimated you.”

Jaehyun squinted his eyes. “I don’t like you very much right now. Where’s the sweet Jacob that would never dare to tease anyone?” 

Jacob shoved his shoulder playfully. “Shut up.” After some thought, he added, “You brought it onto yourself.”

“I did?” Jaehyun questioned, amused. He watched as Jacob pranced around the table, deciding his move. “How so?”

“You’re so annoying that it stopped me from being sweet.”

Jaehyun sighed. “No, you’re still sweet.”

Jacob glanced at him, confused. His tone was too soft for the playful banter.

“But you’re more assertive than you used to be,” Jaehyun added. “And you’re only mean to me, which is acceptable.”

“You’re weird,” Jacob stated, managing to dunk one of the balls. He grinned confidently at Jaehyun. “You can start thinking about who you want to kiss.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Jaehyun crossed his arms in front of his chest, pouting. His eyes flickered around the upper floor, it wasn’t as crowded as the ground floor, but it would surely fill up as the night progressed. 

Suddenly, the thought that Jaehyun was scanning the crowd for someone he found attractive enough to kiss unsettled Jacob. He bit the inside of his cheek, messing up his second shot by using too much force. Jaehyun laughed at his misfortune.

“Watch and learn,” Jaehyun told him.

“Oh, I am watching.”

This time Jaehyun managed to score. He let out a small cry of victory, wasting no time in aiming at the next ball. He scored two more rounds before he missed. 

“Try to beat that,” Jaehyun said, handing Jacob the cue stick.

The self-sufficient grin on Jaehyun’s face was infuriating, but Jacob thought that, if he were to lose the bet, it lay in his power to choose who he’d kiss—someone you know, Jaehyun had said—and if he played his cards right, it lay in his power to decide who Jaehyun would kiss that night, too. He had never thought about it so directly, that he wanted to kiss Jaehyun; that he wanted Jaehyun to kiss him. 

But now that the thought had brightly and unavoidably carved itself into Jacob’s mind, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. His unbridled curiosity almost had him ditch the whole game and kiss Jaehyun without preambles. Once Jacob’s mind set on something, it was hard to ignore it, to be patient.

Jacob didn’t have to pretend much to lose the game; he was a little tipsy and he wasn’t an expert Billiards player. His failures were rather genuine, and they were exciting.

“You said so boldly that you would beat me,” Jaehyun said, shaking his head. There were only four balls left. Jacob was losing by a long shot. “You shouldn’t make bets with me. By now you should know I’m annoyingly competitive.”

Jacob observed Jaehyun, who was moving around the table, trying to figure out his best shot. Nonchalant, Jacob said, “Perhaps I’m losing on purpose.”

Jaehyun laughed, confused. He looked up. “But then you would have to kiss someone. Someone you know.”

Without breaking eye contact, Jacob said, “I know.” He grinned, small and teasing. “Perhaps I have found someone I really want to kiss tonight.”

Jaehyun stared at him. He looked struck, confused even. Jacob hoped his implication was straightforward enough.

“Oh.” The tips of Jaehyun’s ears turned red. He looked away, readying the cue stick. “That’s not fair. You shouldn’t lose on purpose.”

Jacob rolled his eyes. “I’m not. I’m truly this bad at Billiards.”

Jaehyun dunked another ball, a little victorious grin on his face. “You’re not that bad, I’m just too good.”

“Yeah, okay. Whatever, Bambi.”

Jaehyun messed up his next shot. Flustered, he handed Jacob the cue stick without meeting his eyes. Jaehyun’s shyness was endearing, and Jacob was dizzy from the thoughts that suddenly roamed his mind. How shy could he make Jaehyun?

He swallowed. Well, shit.

Jacob messed up his own shot, unable to properly focus on the game anymore. Anticipation was flowing through his veins, making his heart rhythmically beat faster. His body was overcome with a delicious tension, only solvable by touch.

Bless Jaehyun’s competitive and overbearing personality: he finished the game, successfully winning.

“I won.” Jaehyun grinned widely, walking up to Jacob. “You know, I could teach you. Maybe one day you’ll be able to defeat me,” he taunted.

Jacob squinted his eyes, his pride a bit bruised. “I hate you.”

“Sure you do!”

Jacob tried to smack Jaehyun with the cue stick, but Jaehyun was quick to take it out of Jacob’s hand, shaking his head. 

Petulantly, Jacob leaned against the Billiards table, arms crossed in front of his chest. He scanned the crowd, it was livelier than before: a loud group was playing drinking games in one corner; Jacob’s volleyball team was intensely discussing something, the occasional guffaw rising over the music; some freshmen had cleared up the floor to create another makeshift dance floor, except that most seemed too shy to put it to use.

“Well, it seems you have to kiss someone you know,” Jaehyun said, leaning against the Billiards table, too, as he cleaned the tip of the cue stick. He was a perfect image of nonchalance, but the moment his eyes lifted to meet Jacob’s, his gaze was calculating, intense. “Do you already have someone in mind?”

Feigning to be scanning the tables around them in the search for someone to kiss, Jacob replied, “Maybe I do.”

“Really?”

“Yup”

Brusquely, Jaehyun put the cue stick down on the Billiard table, allowing a group of girls to take property of the table. As to not disturb them, Jaehyun gently grabbed Jacob’s elbow to drag him away. Their friends weren’t at the spot they had last seen them, but they couldn’t have gone far—either catching some fresh air or dancing downstairs.

Jacob let himself fall against the wall near the resting area’s entrance, crossing his arms. He scanned the crowd again, but he was overly aware of Jaehyun’s presence right next to him, his body half pressed against Jacob’s. A group of people exited the resting room, bumping into Jaehyun, who leaned further into Jacob to let them pass.

Jacob uncrossed his arms, letting them fall by his sides. When he glanced at Jaehyun, his heart doubled over with how close they stood together. It was one thing sensing Jaehyun’s body, his warmth spreading out through the material of Jacob’s sweater, his stupid perfume evoking butterflies… But to actually see the way Jaehyun was leaning into Jacob, holding himself against the wall with his arm, his face so close that Jacob felt each of his exhales and could make out, even in the dim lights, that little faded scar on Jaehyun’s top lip, the hidden moles that peeked out from his collar (the top button always left open), the faint lines in the corners of his eyes from his infectious laughter… 

Jaehyun was close to Jacob in a way that was nearly consuming.

“So, who are you going to kiss?” Jaehyun asked, his voice low but unfairly composed. 

Jacob was losing his composure, his whole being wishing for the game they were playing to finally end. It was nothing new, but it had never been this intense or pointedly. There was no mistaking the tension now, electric and intoxicating.

Jacob didn’t possess the patience to drag this out further, so he slightly pushed himself off the wall, enough that the distance between them wasn’t real anymore, just a courtesy. “I think you know.”

Jaehyun’s dark eyes flitted over Jacob’s face, that unreadable expression hushing through them. Jacob swallowed, momentarily confused; had he interpreted the push-and-pull incorrectly? But then Jaehyun’s eyes fell on Jacob’s lips, staying for a beat too long to be casual. He let out a small sigh, his body melting against Jacob’s in a way that surprised Jacob deeply. 

“Then do it,” Jaehyun mumbled, his eyes fixed on Jacob, captivated.

Without much preamble, without caring that they were in the middle of 50 Spades—that somewhere their friends were roaming about—Jacob stood on his tiptoes, pushing himself completely off the wall, and kissed Jaehyun.

It wasn’t a wild, immediately burning kiss. It was slow and tentative, a steady drag of their lips, and Jacob’s chest felt warm, a gentle pressure slowly taking his breath away. When he leaned back, landing on his heels, his back hitting the wall, he barely registered the world around them. In the strangest way, Jacob felt like his feet were finally touching ground when before he’d been floating around. There’d been something profoundly grounding to kissing Jaehyun.

Jaehyun.

Looking up, Jacob studied his friend: Jaehyun’s lips were parted, his gaze dark and intense. He looked like he was fighting with himself.

“You once told me you were worried about being a bad kisser,” Jacob brought up, his voice shaking more than he’d like. He tried to keep his tone casual, detached. It was just a kiss, the result of a bet. “But there’s nothing you have to worry about.”

Jaehyun blinked, the intensity of his gaze vanishing to something moderate. He sighed, mildly frustrated. “God, Jacob.”

“What?” he asked, his tone bordering on whiny because he needed to take some seriousness and intensity out of the situation, else he would drown. There had to be something he could control in this, especially when his heartbeat threatened to overwhelm him, when his head felt dizzy, and he wanted to kiss Jaehyun again—to kiss him all night.

Jaehyun ran a hand through his hair, his eyes flitting around everywhere except for Jacob. It was a gesture he only did when he was in mild distress. He licked his lips, looking down at Jacob. “Just—Is that it? Is that where it ends?”

“What do you mean?”

It was proving to be difficult to focus when Jaehyun was still standing so close, after they had kissed and it hadn’t nearly been enough to satiate Jacob’s curiosity and desire. 

“You have to be aware. There is no way you can be that obtuse,” Jaehyun muttered. He fought with himself some more before he seemed to have found a resolve. Ducking his head so that his words would only reach Jacob and no one else, he whispered, “I want you, Jacob. I want to kiss you. I’ve been waiting—”

“Me, too,” Jacob said before he could stop himself. Hearing Jaehyun’s affirmation, instead of caging him in or suffocating him, just spurred his own want.

For a moment they just stared at each other as if they didn’t know what to do. The boldness of their admissions shocked them both as, despite their waiting and playing and probing, they hadn’t quite expected there to be an outcome. But then Jaehyun took hold of Jacob’s face, his thumbs a soft press of gentleness, his long fingers brushing Jacob’s earlobe, pressing into the side of his neck—every touch was fire, ice. 

“I have wanted this,” Jaehyun whispered, dazed, like he couldn’t believe it was happening.

“I have wanted you, too,” Jacob admitted, thoughtless. How could he think of anything with Jaehyun this close to him, holding his face to kiss him?

Jaehyun let his forehead fall against Jacob’s, breathing in and out steadily. His lips were hovering over Jacob’s, so close, but he didn’t lean it.

“You have?”

Jacob nodded, leaning up to kiss Jaehyun, but Jaehyun moved back. Shamelessly, Jacob made a sound of protest, his hands finding Jaehyun’s chest, where he grabbed a fistful of his button up shirt to tug him closer.

“Please just kiss me,” he begged.

What was Jaehyun still waiting for? Wasn’t it enough to have Jacob begging?

Caging him against the wall, Jaehyun leaned down, kissing him tentatively, like he had to get used to it, exploring Jacob’s mouth without any rush. Jacob was becoming impatient. His skin burning, his heart racing, his body anticipating…

Jacob dragged his hands around Jaehyun’s waist, pulling him closer, their hips touching. Uncaring if it made him seem too needy, Jacob let out a breathless moan. Startled, Jaehyun broke the kiss, glancing at Jacob with wide eyes. His cheeks were flushed, the tips of his ears red. 

“We should…” Jaehyun tried. “We should go somewhere else. I don’t want anyone to see you like this.”

“What?” Jacob questioned in a daze. 

“No one except for me should see you like this,” he clarified.

Any other time this admission of possession would have made Jacob frown, but coming from Jaehyun it made him shiver. 

Barely processing his own thoughts, Jacob said, “Dorms.” 

He took Jaehyun’s wrist, dragging him towards the staircase. 

“That’s too far,” Jaehyun muttered. He gestured at the resting area. 

They stumbled toward it. Jacob wanted to kiss Jaehyun again, badly, it was driving him crazy. The moment they entered the room, making sure it was empty, Jaehyun closed the door and pushed Jacob against it, their lips melting against each other. 

After what felt like eternity, Jaehyun pulled away. “We should talk—” 

Jacob whined, hungrily pressing himself back into Jaehyun to kiss him.

Jaehyun let out a breathless chuckle, half in a daze. Even if his hands tightened, he stopped the kiss again, putting just enough distance between them so that he could talk without Jacob interrupting him again. “We should talk about this first,” he insisted, much to Jacob’s chagrin. “About what we’re doing, you know, to avoid possible complications.”

Jacob licked his lips, dipping his head to leave a trail of kisses along Jaehyun’s neck, ignoring his protests. Jaehyun’s hands tightened around his shoulders, a low mumble falling from his lips.

“We don’t need to talk about it,” Jacob muttered, dragging his lips over Jaehyun’s skin until he found his collarbones. His patience was running out, he just wanted Jaehyun. They could talk afterwards, in the morning, whatever.

“Jacob,” Jaehyun whined. It was hard to tell if in protest or encouragement. “I think—” But Jacob cut him off, kissing him messily, burying one of his hands in Jaehyun’s hair, tugging at it slightly to get him to shut up, the other tangled in his button up.

“I want this,” Jacob rushed out, the words slurred. “Unless you don’t want it, there’s nothing to talk about.”

Jaehyun seemed to consider it for the briefest of seconds, then his hands traveled from Jacob’s shoulders to his waist, hungry fingers briefly exploring hidden skin. Jacob shivered, his knees buckling. The way Jaehyun kissed him was hungry, full of need and desperation. None of the previous tentative nature in it. 

This was Jaehyun wanting him. 

It was dizzying.

Jaehyun pinned Jacob’s free hand to the door, angling his face to deepen the kiss. He ran his tongue over Jacob’s bottom lip, eliciting a whimper, before he pushed it inside, caressing the roof of Jacob’s mouth. A shiver ran down Jacob’s spine, making him breathless. 

Jacob’s hand tightened, wrinkling the fabric of the button up. He let out a moan, pushing his body into Jaehyun’s, searching for friction. He was hard and desperate for relief, but, at the same time, he didn’t want this to be over too soon. They had been dancing around each other for so long that a quick hookup would just be anticlimactic. 

Jaehyun pulled away. Jacob chased his mouth, whining in protest when Jaehyun didn’t kiss him again. Instead, Jaehyun turned Jacob’s hand so that the back of it was pressed against the cool material of the door, and pulled it lower. He kissed the sensitive skin of Jacob’s wrist, right where his soulmate-mark was.

“What are you—“ Jacob’s words died on the tip of his tongue. The gesture was so tender, so stark in contrast to their want, that Jacob couldn’t help but gasp, his body trembling with an unspeakable anticipation. 

Jaehyun left a few open mouthed kisses, pressing his tongue against Jacob’s skin. It left Jacob in a mess, his heart fighting to launch itself out of his chest. When Jaehyun pulled back, releasing Jacob’s wrist, his gaze was heavy and dark, pinning Jacob in place. Want coursed his body, becoming a secondary source of life. Jacob wrapped both of his hands around the nape of Jaehyun’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss. 

Jaehyun’s hands dropped to Jacob’s waist, holding him. One of his legs pushed between Jacob’s, who arched his back, rubbing himself against Jaehyun’s thigh. He moaned as his need for friction was finally answered. Jaehyun’s fingers slipped below the hem of Jacob’s sweater, pressing into the skin of his hips, cool and needy. 

“Oh, fuck.”

Jacob wanted to express more eloquently how badly he needed Jaehyun to keep touching him, to run his hands further across Jacob’s body, but he was caught up between kissing Jaehyun—not getting enough of the feel of his mouth on his own—and seeking friction—enjoying the way Jaehyun’s thigh and waist felt against his dick—that his vocabulary was reduced to senseless cursing. 

When the tension building up in Jacob’s abdomen became insatiable, the friction not enough, he grabbed a fistful of Jaehyun’s hair, pulling him back. 

“W-We should,” Jacob tried, endlessly distracted by Jaehyun’s fingers exploring his torso,  Jaehyun’s hips pushing into his. “We should go to the bathroom. It’s more private,” he managed to say as Jaehyun had moved to kiss his neck, his tongue hotly pressed to his jugular, teeth scraping against his skin. It was so very distracting. “I… Fuck, Jaehyun.”

Spurred by the words, Jaehyun left a trail of open-mouthed kisses all the way down to the collar of Jacob’s sweater. He moved his right hand up to pull it down, licking and biting at Jacob’s collarbones. 

Jacob moaned quietly. His abdomen knotted up with tension. Fuck, he needed Jaehyun to touch him everywhere. This wasn’t enough anymore. He wanted so much more. 

(So much more, the thought echoed.)

Jaehyun seemed to sense Jacob’s desperation as he moved away. He licked his lips before he spoke, “You’re driving me crazy. The way you say my name…” he trailed off, leaning in for a chaste kiss. He stepped back, Jacob following him. They kissed again, stumbling into the bathroom together. “Fuck, does this have a lock? I don’t want to stop. I want—I want you so badly, Jacob.”

Jacob bit his lower lip, his mind thick. In a haze he searched for the lock, turning it. Jaehyun pushed him against the door, kissing him with a hunger and desperation that hadn’t been there before, like he’d been holding back until that moment. Jaehyun’s hands moved with want over Jacob’s waist, passing his ribcage, and reaching around his torso where he settled them on Jacob’s back, his fingernails digging into his skin, pushing their bodies closer.

Breaking the kiss, Jaehyun muttered, “Take off your pants.”

Jacob complied, removing his hands from where he’d been holding on Jaehyun’s shoulders to unbutton his jeans. They slipped down to his ankles, the belt buckle hitting the tiles with an off-putting clank.

Jaehyun pushed one of his legs between Jacob’s again, who didn’t hesitate in pushing himself forward. Now that he was only in his boxer shorts, the friction felt so much better, was so much more. 

Jacob moaned, Jaehyun’s name brokenly falling from his lips. His whole body shivered, and he arched further into the touch when Jaehyun pushed his thigh into Jacob’s clothed dick. The friction sent sparks flying.

Jaehyun’s hands fell away from Jacob’s back, traveling down until he cupped Jacob’s ass, pushing their hips together. Jacob lifted his arms again, circling Jaehyun’s shoulders until they met at the nape of his neck, where he laced them together. Jaehyun’s hands dropped a little lower, and Jacob got the intent behind the motion. He stepped out of his jeans, lifted himself off the ground in a swift motion—definitely eased by Jaehyun’s strength—and wrapped his legs around Jaehyun’s waist. 

Jacob was pushed harder against the door, Jaehyun’s hands firmly on the backside of his thighs, warm and steady, holding him up.

They kissed again, slow, messy, tongues demanding and taking. 

Jacob rocked his hips against Jaehyun’s in quick, erratic movements. He was so hard, aching to be touched. 

The door wasn’t the most comfortable place to be pinned against, complaints forming in Jacob’s foggy mind, but before he had to voice them, Jaehyun carried him to the sinks, gently setting Jacob down to sit on the surface. It made the kissing, the friction seeking, the touching so much easier.

“I want,” Jacob muttered between their kisses, his needs being swallowed, but his impatient hands found the button on Jaehyun’s pants. He struggled for a few seconds, and by the time he pulled down the zipper, Jaehyun’s breathless, shaky moans spilled into Jacob’s mouth.

Jaehyun placed his hands on each side of Jacob’s waist, rocking his hips forward, their dicks sliding together, slick, hot, and hard. Jacob let his head fall back against the mirrors, lips parted. Between curse words and moans, Jaehyun’s name fell from his mouth, close to ecstasy.

Jaehyun mouthed at Jacob’s neck, at first leaving kisses and biting into his skin, but the moment his thrusts became uncoordinated the more he was just breathing harshly into Jacob’s skin. When Jacob came, his legs tightened around Jaehyun’s waist and his back arched. Jaehyun kept thrusting his hips until he also came, quietly moaning. They stayed like that for a moment, bodies pressed together, breathing loudly, coming down from their high.

“Shit,” Jaehyun muttered, pulling away. He looked at Jacob, his eyes wide. He leaned in to capture Jacob’s lips in a languid kiss that had Jacob’s dazed mind alight. When he pulled back, there was an unfamiliar awkwardness to his movements, cleaning them off with paper towels from the dispenser. “You good?” he asked as helped Jacob down from the counter.

“Yeah,” Jacob replied, his legs wobbly, but he managed to fetch his jeans and pulled them on. “Yeah, fuck, more than good.”

Jaehyun’s lips tugged with a sheepish grin. 

(The following morning Jacob woke up in his bed, Jaehyun cuddled to his side, and for a second nothing seemed off, but then he started to remember and he was flooded by panic, confusion, want. He slipped out of bed in a rush, stumbling over their discarded clothes. He glanced at Jaehyun, hoping he hadn’t gotten woken up by Jacob’s clumsiness. 

They never addressed it, but the change in their relationship was palatable. Jacob would catch Jaehyun staring at him for a beat too long; mindless touches like the brush of a hand on a shoulder or a friendly pat on a knee lingered; an electric tension filled the atmosphere around them, waiting, wanting.

The second time it happened there was even less talking involved, just desire and bliss; and by the third time they didn’t have to talk about it anymore, they just accepted that they simply couldn’t keep their hands off each other.)

(July)

With his laptop perched on the edge of his bed, Jacob waited for the dormitory application form to download. He had his university’s website opened, scrolling through the summer activities and courses mindlessly. He had applied for the summer volleyball camp in August, but aside from that there weren’t any major or interesting things. The most interesting affair Jacob had going on that summer lay in bed right next to him, tracing invisible lines on his exposed back.

“Jaehyun-ah?” Jacob called out. 

Jaehyun hummed, sleepily. It was minutes past midnight, but Jacob had insisted they sent out the form immediately to get higher chances at getting the dorm they wanted.

“Do we room together for the upcoming year, too?” Jacob asked, suddenly feeling insecure. It had worked well the past year; plus, Jacob preferred to live with Jaehyun over some stranger. He just wasn’t sure how that would work with the most recent development in their friendship; could they live together like this without losing it? “I just mean because, well, I would understand if it’s too much and if you want someone else—”

“No, it’s perfect,” Jaehyun mumbled. “It also makes sleeping with you so much easier. No annoying Mingyu to ruin the moment.”

Jacob bit his lip, filling out the form with their names. “Mingyu was a saint, don’t slander him. He literally taught you how to be an adult.”

Jaehyun pinched his side.

“Hey!” Jacob tried to kick him, but Jaehyun just pushed himself up on his arms so that he could lie on Jacob, burying his face in the nape of Jacob’s neck, his lips brushing over the skin of Jacob’s shoulder.

“If you’re such a fan of Mingyu, why don’t you room with him?”

“And have him yell at me for leaving a cup of ramyeon on the desk? No, thank you.”

Jacob finished filling out the form, reviewing it quickly as Jaehyun left a trail of kisses, each with a clear demand and want in it. Jacob nearly missed the submit button, ungracefully pushing the laptop off the bed’s edge—not that it mattered, it fell on a heap of clothes.

“Finally,” Jaehyun breathed, propping himself up so that Jacob could turn around. He didn’t waste any time, leaning down to kiss Jacob. It was a lazy, burning kiss.

(October)

Irritated, Jacob stared at his most recent text message. It had been happening more frequently the past weeks—ever since their third year had begun—and he had ignored the signs that had been so clear. He had clung onto ignorance and an empty hope because that was all they had. 

Jacob wasn’t a jealous person. He managed the negative emotion well whenever it prickled on his skin hot as fire. He took several steps back hoping to shed himself of it. He had no entitlement to be possessive over Jaehyun—they weren’t soulmates, they weren’t dating, they weren’t an explicit thing. They were friends who occasionally hooked up. There really wasn’t any place for Jacob’s sudden burst of jealousy, it was misplaced and rotten. He should be happy that Jaehyun had (possibly) met his soulmate. 

But all he felt was a profound dejection and that burning envy—and he wasn’t sure if it was because Jaehyun might have actually found his soulmate or because Jaehyun wasn’t his. 

Jaehyun

Thursday, 21 Oct 2018

Sorry, I can’t tonight

I’m meeting Juyeon, he needs help with a project again lol

Don’t stay up for me, I’m coming back late

07:38 PM

Lol ok

Btw are you two a thing?

08:21 PM

Jacob threw his phone onto his made bed, where it bounced off and fell on a mountain of dirty laundry. 

Their dorm room was tinged in dark blue and gray as nighttime broke in. Gusts of rain were hitting the window, and the howling wind was turning the night into a bleak one. He glanced at Jaehyun’s unmade bed, his bag displayed on it, some items spilling out of it. Several discarded t-shirts were half on the bed, half on the floor, and Jaehyun’s signature perfume still clung to the air. Jacob must have just missed him.

With a sigh, Jacob picked up Jaehyun’s bag, pushing the loose papers and pencils back inside. He picked up the discarded t-shirts, folding them the way Younghoon had taught him, and fixed the blanket and pillows. He let himself fall onto Jaehyun’s bed, staring at the wall behind him, the polaroids Jaehyun had stuck to it were now upside down. An unavoidable heaviness sunk into Jacob’s heart: most of the photographs were of them—and Younghoon and Chanhee—throughout the years. It was inherently twisted that he felt this way about Jaehyun—the feeble crush he desperately ignored, the fervent jealousy he couldn’t detach himself from, the aching desire to have Jaehyun right by his side. 

He was a fool for allowing the disappointment to take over. What had he expected? It was exactly the same kind of situation as when he’d been dating Sangyeon: an insubstantial entanglement with an inevitable end. What had he expected? They weren’t soulmates. 

They weren’t soulmates.

Jacob tried to make sense of those words, but they had lost their meaning in the past months. What had started as a spontaneous hook up, driven by desperation on both sides to kill the loneliness they harbored, had slowly transformed into something else. Jacob didn’t want to put a name to it, but he had slowly stopped seeking out other people. He hadn’t admitted this to Jaehyun, but since the beginning of summer he hadn’t hooked up with another person, deciding on an explicitness that he didn’t want to reach the surface.

Because what sense did he make of this? Jaehyun wasn’t the person he was predestined to fall in love with, yet it pained him deeply to know that he possibly was about to lose Jaehyun forever.

Tears burned in Jacob’s eyes and he closed them. He knew he should move to his own bed, that the simple act of falling asleep in Jaehyun’s bed because he missed him and wanted something of his to cling onto as dreams took over was yet another layer to his damning feelings. There were about a thousand rules he was breaking, implications he was ignoring. He had looked forward to seeing him, and it was ridiculous because come morning they would see each other, they shared the same room. 

Jacob was startled out of his miserable reverie by the sound of a key turning, the lock clicking open. Seconds later the door was pushed open and Jaehyun entered their dorm room.

It was ridiculous, but Jacob tightly shut his eyes, pretending to be asleep. A glaring mortification filled him, and he hoped Jaehyun had come to grab his bag and would leave quickly, ignoring Jacob’s sad figure lying in his bed. He really didn’t want Jaehyun to find him there, to draw conclusions, to discover how deep Jacob’s feelings ran.

“Jacob?” Jaehyun called out. The floorboards creaked as he approached his own bed. “Jacob, I—” He sighed. Slowly he sat on the edge of the mattress. Jacob focused on his steady breathing in the hopes it would become louder than his beating heart. “Are you really sleeping or just pretending to be?”

The tips of Jacob’s ears burned, but he didn’t move an inch. His embarrassment and cringe dissipated the moment the mattress dipped and Jaehyun laid down next to him. Jacob felt Jaehyun’s warm breath hit his face and he was tempted to open his eyes, but he clung onto his resolution—strange emotions had ruined the night for him.

Jacob could practically sense Jaehyun’s need to speak, his eyes fixed on Jacob.

“I’m here, Jacob,” Jaehyun whispered. His voice carried an odd seriousness to it. “You seem to forget that.”

Jacob counted the seconds. 300. He opened his eyes, his heart beating fast. Jaehyun’s eyes were closed, his breathing was slowly evening out. There were a million questions running through Jacob’s mind, none that would see the light of day, none that would ever savor an answer.

Once Jaehyun had explained to Jacob that he wanted his soulmate to only look at him and only trust him with their deepest secrets; that he needed someone that would hold him the same way he held them—the two of them against the world. It was wildly different from how Jacob thought of love. The mere idea that a person depended on him so wholly and reverently made him cringe. He liked to float around and never quite let his feet touch the earth. Jaehyun’s demanding nature suffocated Jacob.

But that night he wanted Jaehyun to grab him and force him to reach steady ground. 

(November)

“That’s not my drink, hyung,” Juyeon muttered, an awkward yet polite smile on his face.

Slowly, Jacob reached out to take the Hurricane. He smiled at Juyeon, but his eyes were anything but friendly. “That’s mine. Jaehyun must have confused us.”

“Oh, shit, sorry.” Jaehyun knocked over the napkin holder in his flustered haste. He laughed to himself, his ears were growing a telling shade of pink. He let out a quiet sound of distress, fixing the napkin holder. Once he had ensured that Juyeon’s drink was actually the Long Island Iced Tea he had ordered and not the Hurricane Jacob had gotten, he relaxed into his seat wishing a hole would open up and swallow him. His embarrassment was pounding against his skin. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, hyung,” Juyeon told him. His smile was genuine. “It happens.” He glanced at Jacob briefly before his eyes settled back on Jaehyun.

A strained smile fought its way onto Jaehyun’s face when Younghoon addressed him. “So, what’s the occasion?”

Jacob watched Jaehyun with a pinched expression, confused and wary. Jaehyun couldn’t blame him, it was a strange situation to be stuck in. Hours ago Jaehyun had rallied his friends to meet him at 50 Spades with the excuse that it was a Friday night. But Jaehyun had different reasons for that night: he wanted his friends to meet Juyeon, who he suspected to be his soulmate—Juyeon’s first word had been ‘Jaehyun’. Though nothing had been confirmed, Jaehyun had a gut feeling, and he wanted his friends to meet Juyeon and tell him their honest thoughts.

“Ah, I just thought it has been a while since we went out for drinks,” Jaehyun lied, studying the ice cubes in his drink. He looked up at his two friends apprehensively. “We used to have so much fun during our freshman year.”

Younghoon nodded. “Yeah, that was a crazy year. I met Chanhee then.”

“Chanhee?” Juyeon inquired, curiously. But there was something deeper to his curiosity than just politely inquiring. 

“Choi Chanhee. My soulmate,” Younghoon revealed.

“Ah.” Juyeon shifted, visibly uncomfortable.

Oh, no, Jaehyun thought, distressed.

Jacob studied Juyeon with mild interest, but there was an irritated pull to his brows. Jaehyun really couldn’t blame him. If Jaehyun had really found his soulmate it meant that their whole friends-with-benefits agreement would fall away. It meant that Jacob would continue on his lonely journey of finding his own soulmate. Jaehyun had a hard time befriending that thought, but what was he supposed to do? Jacob would surely be selfish the moment he met his own soulmate, too. He wouldn’t think twice about Jaehyun, would he? No, there was nothing for Jaehyun to feel guilty about.

Momentarily, Jaehyun thought to have found bliss in his relationship with Jacob, thinking that it was better than them just staying friends. But Jacob kept insisting he didn’t want to find his soulmate, completely detaching himself from that notion, and Jaehyun had realized that he couldn’t simply discard it. He still yearned for the stability and reassurance that came with finding his soulmate.

Jaehyun had to befriend the idea of letting go.

There was a chance he’d found his soulmate now. The idea wasn’t half as reassuring as he had hoped. Letting go of Jacob was difficult, but he had expected that. From the moment he had realized his feelings, he had known that Jacob would leave behind a painful wound.

“Have you already met your soulmate, Juyeon-ssi?” Jacob asked, directly. It was unlike his usual laidback and suave self. Jaehyun frowned, picking up on Jacob’s misplaced irritation.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Juyeon replied, his tone clipped and not leaving much room for discussion. He wore a gray hoodie, his sleeves pointedly pulled down to cover his wrists.

“Sure.” Jacob’s lips twitched, but before he could get another word out, Jaehyun saw Younghoon place his hand on Jacob’s forearm in warning, in soothing. Jacob stared at his drink, blankly, his mouth a thin line.

Jaehyun wanted to reach out himself, but he held back, overly aware of Juyeon’s presence. 

“What’s your major, Juyeon-ssi?” Younghoon asked, politely. His eyes shifted between Jaehyun and Jacob, trying to read between the lines and pick up the clues that they were so careful of not leaving behind.

What a twisted predicament he had put himself into: pitting his best friend whom he had some deeper, misplaced feelings for against the person who could become the rest of his life. 

But the worst of all was that Juyeon, although he was endearing in a clumsy way that resonated deeply with Jaehyun and was quite charming when he wanted to be, wasn’t at all the person Jaehyun wanted to have as his soulmate. His mind was stuck on Jacob, secretly enjoying the tragic aspect of it all. If only he could be satisfied with the kind of relationship he had with Jacob, he wouldn’t care if he met his soulmate. But Jacob made himself unattainable, only available for casual affairs. Especially after his failed relationship with Sangyeon.

And because Jaehyun wanted more, he had to try. With Juyeon. 

Guilt ridden, Jaehyun took a long sip of his drink, drowning any and all agitating thoughts. No one had ever mentioned what-ifs and regret when meeting their soulmate, that wasn’t how it was meant to work. Jaehyun needed that all-or-nothing which the soulmate-mark was supposed to aid with, but instead he found himself standing at the edge of a cliff.

(December)

The college dorms were nearly vacant since many students had returned home to spend the holidays with their families. Jacob and Younghoon had worked the whole day to repurpose the lounge and kitchen for a little end of the semester party. There was a table with takeout food (pizza, fried chicken, ramyeon, jajangmyeon) and Chanhee had brought a little karaoke machine that he was currently setting up.

It was only going to be the three of them—possibly with the addition of Changmin and his soulmate later on. Jaehyun was spending his Christmas evening with Juyeon and his friends; he had even mentioned he would visit Juyeon’s parents in Goyang for New Year’s Eve. The fast pace at which they moved was surprising, especially because, as far as Jacob knew, Juyeon hadn’t revealed his soulmate-mark to Jaehyun, yet.

Jacob knew how important it was for Jaehyun to find his soulmate, to have that happy ever after. To be loved as intensely and devotedly as he would love them. Jacob felt a sense of protectiveness towards Jaehyun, towards the way he loved. He didn’t want someone to take advantage of that vulnerability.

And perhaps Jacob was a little bitter. He had gotten too used to their closeness in the past months, not quite ready to let it go. Not ready to imagine Jaehyun would grow close with his soulmate—with Juyeon—like this, more than what they’d had. Not that Jacob had any claim on their closeness, they weren’t soulmates. It was ridiculous for him to feel bitter, to feel jealous. 

With a shake of his head, he dissipated the unnecessarily annoying thoughts and focused on the task at hand: preparing the party.

Unfortunately, the universe decided to torment Jacob on that merry holiday season as two figures entered the room, snow sticking to their winter coats and decorating their hair. It was unfair. Jacob held memories getting caught in a snowfall with Jaehyun, hating that they had no real meaning.

“Hey,” Jaehyun breathed, cheeks and nose pink from the cold, his brown eyes wide as he took in the scene carefully. “I hope there’s still space for us.”

No, Jacob wanted to say. No, go away.

“Of course,” Younghoon said, smiling as he invited them in, but there was a strange tightness in his voice.

Jaehyun glanced at Jacob, gaze heavy with something Jacob didn’t have the energy or motivation to guess. He turned back to his task, brushing Jaehyun’s—and Juyeon’s—presence off.

The discomfort in the air thickened tremendously when Chanhee and Juyeon faced one another.

“I didn’t know you would be here,” Juyeon said, uncomfortable.

Chanhee raised his eyebrows, clearly bothered. He was an intimidating sight. “Would you have avoided coming if you had known?” His tone was accusatory.

Jaehyun was frowning, surprised that they knew each other. Jacob noticed the lack of shock on Younghoon’s face.

“Yes, probably,” Juyeon said, still uncomfortable, but there was a bit of a challenge in his voice. “I’m not doing anything wrong.”

Chanhee pursed his lips, crossing his arms in front of his chest. It was obvious that he wanted to keep arguing, but he chanced a glance at their audience, deciding to let it go.

After a long and heavy sigh, Chanhee muttered, “I guess you’re not technically doing anything wrong… I’ll tell him, though.”

Juyeon shrugged. “Go ahead. I don’t care. Not anymore.”

Younghoon dragged Chanhee off, quietly bombarding him with questions to which he got short and snappish answers.

Jaehyun approached Juyeon, swinging his arm around his shoulder. He glanced up at Jacob, worry written across his face. Jacob looked away, not wanting to intrude in their private moment. Miserably, he busied himself with setting up the snack table. 

“What was that about?” Jaehyun inquired, his tone soft.

“I’ll tell you later, hyung,” Juyeon promised. “It’s… I should have told you about it sooner.”

“What is it?” Jaehyun insisted, but Juyeon shook his head. “We can leave early. It doesn’t matter. We don’t have to stay. You’re more important than the party.”

Jacob almost laughed in disbelief, but he pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, angrily stacking plastic bowls and cups.

“It’s okay,” Juyeon said. “You wanted to celebrate with your friends, let’s stay. I will be fine, don’t worry about it.”

“You stupid, self-sacrificing fool,” Jaehyun muttered, but it sounded surprisingly affectionate.

Juyeon laughed, nudging his shoulder against Jaehyun’s. “Fuck off.”

Juyeon glanced up, his eyes meeting Jacob’s, who maintained eye contact. He considered looking away, but he was frustrated and a little angry. Who was Juyeon to just waltz in and take Jaehyun away from him? Probably Jaehyun’s soulmate, his mind reminded him. Jacob looked down, but not before he caught the evident guilt in Juyeon’s face. Why was he guilty?

Time later, Jacob seeked out the dorms’ rooftop, hoping to clear his mind a little. He was surprised and a little annoyed when Juyeon joined him minutes later under the same pretense. They stood in silence staring at the city lights, the snow quietly falling all around them.

“I—” Juyeon cleared his throat. He glanced at Jacob briefly. “I’m sorry, Jacob-ssi.”

Jacob frowned. If anything he should be the one to apologize to Juyeon for his petty behavior. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because you don’t deserve what I’m doing to you.” He sighed, looking down at his shoes. His lips were pressed together tightly. He looked troubled. “It’s unfair.”

Jacob was worried now. “What are you talking about?”

Juyeon looked at him directly. His expression was serious and determined. “What Jaehyun and I are doing, it’s—There’s no point to it. And it’s so unfair to you. I’m sorry for indulging this whole thing. For a second I just…” He grew quiet, looking away from Jacob. His eyes were bright, and with startlement Jacob realized that Juyeon was about to cry. He didn’t look at Jacob again, instead he firmly stared at the city lights. Jacob was in distress, he wasn’t the best at comforting people, especially not strangers. “I know what it’s like to be in love with a soulmate that doesn’t love you back.”

Jacob’s heart sank. There were a million things he wanted to say; he wanted to object Juyeon’s claim that Jacob was in love with Jaehyun—that they were soulmates—but no sound made it past his lips. 

“You have a soulmate,” he pointed out instead.

“Yeah.” Juyeon laughed. “You seem relieved to hear that.”

Jacob’s relief was quickly followed by crushing guilt. Despite that Jacob was relieved Juyeon wasn’t actually Jaehyun’s soulmate, his heart hurt for Jaehyun’s unwavering hope dying right there, in front of his eyes. 

“That’s unfair,” he said, pettishly. He really wasn’t one to talk about what was and wasn’t fair. “Jaehyun believes there is a chance you might be his soulmate and—”

Juyeon looked at him. His sincere and patient nature was in tune with Jacob’s own way of turning each word around a million times before choosing one. He squinted his eyes, as if assessing Jacob. “I don’t actually think he believes that. I think he’s been deluding himself.”

Coldness seeped through Jacob’s clothes, the snow a cold embrace. “What? How can you just assume that he—” 

“See, you don’t even believe it yourself,” Juyeon cut him off, a pettish laugh falling from his lips. “I can see the way he looks at you.”

Jacob shook his head. “Don’t.”

The tone must’ve been cutting enough because Juyeon didn’t say another word for a while. His eyes weren’t swimming with tears anymore, but he held a haunted expression. When he spoke again, it was with a bitter tone, “Love is unfair, isn’t it? The moment I’m actually ready to open up to someone—to fall in love and become vulnerable—they have already moved on. ” 

Jacob swallowed, choosing not to reply. He didn’t want to talk about love. Not with Juyeon of all people.

“That’s what happened with my soulmate.”

The sincere admission surprised Jacob so much that he forgot about everything, tentatively asking, “How can that even happen? You are soulmates.”

Juyeon shrugged. “I don’t know. They never found an explanation. It’s a mistake that occurs one in a thousand. It sucks, but I learned to accept it,” he explained. “I learned to fall out of love with my soulmate.”

“Is that even possible—to fall out of love with your soulmate? It sounds painful.”

“It was painful,” he admitted. “That’s why I’m really sorry, Jacob-ssi, for the pain I have caused you the past months. I shouldn’t have indulged in Jaehyun’s nonsense. I was—” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter what my motives were.”

Juyeon unbuttoned his jacket’s wrist, pulling up his sleeve. His soulmate-mark was half-erased, but Jacob could still make out what it once said: It’s not. 

The sight made an unfamiliar panic crawl up Jacob’s chest. He grabbed the railing to balance himself, his fingers freezing as he made contact with the layered snow.

“It’s—”

Juyeon nodded, as if understanding Jacob’s silent distress. “It’s disappearing, yeah. Slowly, every day there is less and less of it.”

“Do you—Do you wish that they would have chosen you?”

“I don’t know,” Juyeon said, honestly. “I really don’t know.”

They stood in mutual silence, strangely comforted despite their heavy conversations, staring at Seoul’s nightlife. Suddenly, Juyeon started to open up about his soulmate, as if he had just waited for an opportunity to do so. He kept omitting his name, but Jacob had an inkling he knew who his soulmate was. 

He learned that they had met in detention during their senior year of high school, months before graduating. Juyeon had been hesitant about approaching his soulmate since he needed time to get used to people, and love didn’t come so easily to him—plus, he’d been awfully shy at that time. (Something Jacob had a hard time believing now.) His soulmate had been just as hesitant, hiding his soulmate-mark from Juyeon. For months they had danced around one another, but destiny was relentless, pushing them together. “It was actually on his nineteenth birthday that he finally told me the truth about his second soulmate-mark,” Juyeon said. “For two years we tried, but it never felt quite genuine.” He leaned against the railing, turning his back on the city lights. His face was submerged in darkness. “He met his second soulmate only a few months ago, but they fell for each other hard. I couldn’t compete with that. ”

Jacob frowned. “I—” He wasn’t sure what he could say. How could one recover from watching their soulmate fall in love with someone else; from becoming soulmateless within months until no traces were left except for the memories. “That’s awful.”

“Now you understand why I’m apologizing.”

“Jaehyun and I aren’t soulmates, though,” Jacob confessed.

Juyeon seemed surprised to hear that. Jacob showed him his soulmate-mark.

“How do you know you aren’t soulmates?”

“I think we would know,” Jacob said. “If we were, we would know. It would be a clear-cut answer.”

Juyeon hummed, noncommittally. He didn’t seem too convinced.