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Tommy could see the coffee cup in front of him. He could see his books and journals lined up on the shelf. He could see the frame of his bed. He could see the posters that lined his walls. He could see the pencil case in the shape of a dog that someone gave him for his birthday ( a friend, his mind whispered). He could see the the lamp from across the room.
Tommy could touch his cup (the liquid inside was cold now). He could touch the pillows and bed underneath him. He could touch his phone. He could touch his clothes.
Tommy could hear people outside. He could hear the sound of a door opening. He could hear music from his neighbours.
Tommy could smell barely anything. Maybe a little bit of chocolate from his drink. Maybe a slight peppermint from his shampoo.
Tommy could taste the remains of hot chocolate on his tongue.
Tommy could feel a little bit more calm.
He wasn’t sure what caused it (he knew exactly what it was). Maybe it was when he trained with Technoblade earlier; he could be exhausted. Maybe it was from the new quarter at school. That alone was enough to make him feel overwhelmed. (Tommy ignored the gut feeling that it was possibly because of Tubbo).
As he tried his best to reply in his usual cheery tone to group chats and friends, Tommy remained stuck to his bed. His body screamed at him to stand up yet he remained still. There was a lot to do that night, assignments, studying, perhaps sleep if his brain allowed it.
His leg twitched a bit, back and forth and side to side. He had the urge to make every part of his body scream and curl up inside himself.
A part of him wanted to confront what he knew was the problem. Another part of him wanted to cry himself to sleep. Some other part of him wanted to scream. Another part of him wanted hot chocolate (it was cold now).
Tommy could hear screaming outside now. It didn’t match the volume of the voices in his head. Tommy felt a lot warmer than before now. He made no move to turn on a fan. Tommy felt-
Tommy wasn’t sure how he felt.
There’s a sudden message on his phone. Tommy rushes to find it. To his dismay, it’s just some school email. He wishes it was Tubbos reply.
A reply to a sad face he had sent hours ago. Which was a reply to his friend’s message. A message that said he didn’t want to meet after school anymore. A message that Tommy hates.
Rationally, Tommy knows why. They were around a year or two away from graduating and applying for their dream university. It had high standards, so did Tubbo. Tubbo was smart and studious and a hard worker. Tubbo had the skills and the ability and the maturity and the motivation and everything that Tommy knew he should have.
Tommy knows he should be more like Tubbo. Making himself the top of his class and working hard everyday. Tommy knows he should be like that but he isn’t. Instead he’s slacking off and trying not to cry rather than do his homework because he’s hung up over the fact that Tubbo doesn’t want to hang out anymore.
He wants to focus on his schoolwork and revision. He is working hard to earn top marks and get into university. He is doing everything that Tommy should be doing. Tommy shouldn’t stand in his way.
Tommy shouldn’t stop Tubbo when he says that he wants to study more after school, not when he doesn’t do that himself. Tommy shouldn’t be greedy and tell Tubbo that he wants to stay with him all the time because he’s one of the biggest parts of his life and he feels just a little bit more empty without him. He can’t say that.
Tubbo has done enough for Tommy. Tommy could brag for hours about the amazing things that Tubbo has done, the gifts he’s given, how smart he is, and how dedicated his dear friend is. Could Tubbo do the same for him?
He doesn’t think so.
(If Tommy ends up in a big hug with Tubbo after a while of trying to keep it all in his head, sobbing and crying about all the things in his head and Tubbo holding his friend tight, that is for him to find out.)