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It was an ordinary day in the Winchester-Novak household, and it had continued to be an ordinary evening. Cas was curled up in his armchair by the fireplace peacefully reading something about honeybees. Claire and Jack were for once not fighting and were instead peacefully watching Tv, with Jack excitedly interjecting every so often of course. Dean watched his family from his spot on the couch with a smile. He built this family, he and Cas did it together. Together they made something he never thought he could have, a healthy and happy family. Sure every once in a while he got a craving for the old life he once led, mainly the cravings were for the bitter tasting beverage he had developed a dependency on. But whenever the cravings resurfaced he remembered that nothing was worth risking his family, his newfound life.
. When Dean faltered, he thought of how it could have gone so different, how it still could go so different. How with a couple mistakes he could tear his reality apart at the seams, destroying everything he loved and terrorizing everyone he held dear.
In the grocery store, by sheer force of muscle memory, Dean would find himself in the Alcohol aisle. He never consciously went there. It was as if some days his feet simply remembered he was still an addict, Once an addict always an addict. So there he would be, one minute checking his grocery list marking off Jack’s cookie cereal and the next minute holding a six pack. That's when the real war began, the war between his hand and his brain. His reflexes instinctively wanting to put the beer in the cart and his brain knowing that if he did he wouldn't put it back, he would take it to the check out, put it in the car and then be forced to watch as the fabric of his reality dissolved in front of his eyes, along with his sobriety. That was usually enough to stop his hand from ruining everything. But on days it wasn’t, his brain fought back. On the days he found himself in the parking lot of a bar wanting nothing more than to down beer after beer until his brain finally shut up and went fuzzy, his brain had a fucked up way of pulling him back to earth. Scenarios of his life flashed through his brain, childhood scenes laying out in front of him. Of his old life, the one he fought so hard to escape, to overcome, but not just his old life, it was old meshed with new in a dark entanglement of things that should never be, things that Dean would never let be. Memories of his childhood plagued his mind, but instead of it being him convincing Sam it was a fun game to hide behind the shower curtain until John was snapped out of his drunken rage, it was Claire convincing Jack. Instead of John knocking over photos, throwing tables and stumbling down the halls screaming for his kids, it was him. Instead of a teenage Dean cowering before his drunken father it was Castiel, cowering before a drunken Dean. That was all it took for the desire to go away. The thought of becoming his father had him putting the Impala in reverse and heading home to Cas, every time. Of course they say all fear is based in truth. Dean knew this, and although Cas had forgiven him, that didn't stop the varying flashbacks of a crying Jack, a pleading Castiel, and a divorce that almost was.
A small cough brought Dean out of musings and back into his living room. His husband was giving him the look, the look that simultaneously said “ are you ok?” and “do you need to call your sponsor?” Dean knew the look well, and with a small smile and a shake of his head he reached into his pocket, pulling out a coin. Wordlessly ,but still with a smile on his face, Dean passed the coin to Castiel. The angel's face broke into a grin that matched his husband’s once he looked down at the shiny, new, 2 years sober chip he now held in his hand. In that moment Dean had never felt more loved, and Cas had never felt more proud. After giving his husband another grin, and a quick kiss, Cas retreated into his book once more.
Reclining back into the couch Dean continued to observe his family, and he knew through moments like these, that breaking the generational cycle of alcoholism and abuse was worth it. Oh boy was it worth it.