Chapter Text
Diluc did not like his body.
Ajax seemed to, though. Always running his hands down Diluc’s sides, squeezing him at the waist, hugging him close and kissing the crown of his hair. He held his hand, let the heat of Diluc’s skin warm his own, naturally cool, and pressed sweet kisses to his knuckles whenever he got the chance, tender and true. A twine of crimson hair around his finger, a palm against the middle of his back, a quick sensation of lips against his cheek, Ajax touched him all the time.
Although he touched Diluc so often, Ajax never asked for anything more, and Diluc was… conflicted. Ever since that first time, that glowing evening spent tucked beneath Ajax’s weight, hot and heady, the metaphorical floodgates had opened, and Diluc craved.
He had always craved, he knew that, but it had been a still pond, overgrown with algae and moss, abandoned, uncared for; now it was as if he was drenched in the longing, a waterfall of it soddening his hair and his skin, fingers itching with the desire to card through auburn tresses, scrape pink lines across toned, freckled shoulders, head thrown back and throat raw from the intensity.
But, even with the acknowledgement of such things, even with it being out in the open, no longer a secret, but a shared knowledge between himself and his lover, Diluc couldn’t say it himself. If he tried to say it, he withered up, ran dry, mouth sandy and parched, eyes burning, so he settled on saying nothing at all.
It was easy to force thoughts of his yearning to the back of his mind, however, with how readily, charmingly, Ajax treated him. Texts of good morning and good night, two-minute phone calls between their separate classes, beaming smiles when they reunited in person, gentle kisses and cuddling and incessant chatter, coffee date after coffee date, and, to top it all off, a high grade on their partnered project. Diluc was happy with Ajax, and quickly found that he enjoyed being spoiled by the other, as humiliating as it was, and he burned each time Ajax gifted him a new trinket, brought him a dessert from a local confectionery, insisted to pay for their outings together.
Outings. Dates. He still couldn’t quite believe he was allowed such things.
He smiled more, now. Independence was important to him, often toeing the line of isolation, so he was somewhat bitter that another person was able to improve his mood with such acuteness, but his grouchy nature softened when Ajax was present, and Diluc preferred to let his ribcage be overtaken with the soft beat of butterfly wings, the calm thrum of his heart, when he leaned into Ajax’s arms and breathed him in.
It was good. It was so good. But good was only that, and Diluc was still plagued with unease, especially when he was alone, which inevitably happened sometimes. He and Ajax were still relatively new as a couple; it was unhealthy to invade each other's space incessantly, so they took care to maintain their individual lives alongside their relationship, with Diluc focusing hard on his studies as always, and speaking with the few friends he had, putting effort into spending more time with Jean and Kaeya. But, he wasn’t sociable like Ajax was, and often found himself with too much time to think.
Diluc hated to admit it, but with time spent alone, time spent thinking, came the crushing weight of insecurity, the thumbing at the flesh of his thighs and stomach, worrying his lip between his teeth. Although Ajax had been nothing but lovely to him, Diluc couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t satisfactory, eyeing himself with hesitance in the dark mirror in his bathroom, frowning at the pudge around his hip bones and the sharp curve it boasted to his waist. He looked like a girl.
A sigh escaped him, flat and tired, as he stared at his reflection, not quite recognising it as him. Was his hair too long? If he cut it, shaved the underside, would he look like a man? If only he could snip away the flesh of his hips as he could his hair, groom his body into something angular and lean, flat and masculine, perhaps then he could look at himself and smile.
Perhaps then Ajax would take him to bed again.
Against his better judgement, he let his eyes trail over his mirror image, sniffling in the darkness of the bathroom, the only light being that leaking in from his bedroom lamp through the crack in the door, casting a ring of gold over the edge of his body, highlighting it ever more. He definitely looked like a girl.
It was rare that he forced himself to look at his body, knowing how much tightness it brought to his lungs, the pressure it put on his heart, the way it made him grit his teeth in deep-rooted regret at his circumstance, but ever since he and Ajax had become an item, he’d felt obligated to, to check his quality, his value, as an object of affection. He raised his arms, and frowned at the thick red hair nestled in the creases, the same coarse curls that trailed from his navel downwards, beneath the elastic of his underwear.
Should he shave?
A bolt of unease shot through his core, and he dropped his arms with a huff, shuddering, bare feet growing cold against the tiles.
He didn’t bother with shaving, usually, partially to avoid looking at himself, and partially because it felt typically masculine to have body hair. But, was it sexually offputting? Was that why Ajax hadn’t made another move on him? His boyfriend had mentioned porn before, only once, only to enquire if Diluc had ever watched it (he hadn’t) but the people in such videos shaved; he knew that. He had purposefully distanced himself from explicit videos, squirming with discomfort at the strict categorisation of men and women, afraid of seeing so many naked bodies, but he wasn’t entirely ignorant. He ran his hand over his abdomen, thumb catching on the soft curls of his happy trail, and tried to imagine contorting in the shower, shaving anywhere that Ajax could hypothetically catch a glimpse of. The very thought made his stomach lurch, and his cheeks bulged in a gag, tongue heavy over his bottom teeth.
The plus side of being alone and sexually inactive was that he’d never felt the need to think of these things before, and he suddenly sorely missed the lonesome life he’d led previously, always covered head to toe in baggy clothing, not anxiously eyeing himself and pondering over the faults of the product.
Eventually, his worrying made his eyelids grow heavy, and his shoulders sagged as he left the bathroom, unease wriggling beneath his skin like a parasite. He tugged on his pyjamas swiftly, not looking down, acknowledging that he may have pushed himself too far in analysing his body so closely. A hoodie of Ajax’s lay on the back of his desk chair, so he grabbed it, pulling it over his head, and felt comforted by the way he sank into it like an embrace, the lingering smell of his boyfriend’s shampoo a much needed reminder of the aforementioned good. Ajax said he liked him. Ajax held his hand and kissed his forehead, and had made love to him with wholehearted honesty.
But only once. And he hadn’t asked again.
Diluc always found himself back here. Whenever he tried to distract himself with thoughts of the positives, they looped back around and shoved a negative in his face, sending him reeling and off put, staring into the middle-distance with a bleak expression and blank mind. He didn’t know how to break this cycle, so he opted to ignore it, instead.
-
On the first day of the third week of their relationship, Ajax presented Diluc with two e-tickets to their local aquarium, a huge smile on his face, cheeks dimpling, and asked if he’d like to go on a date. Diluc, of course, said yes.
Ajax held his hand the entire time, and he had to fight back flush after flush, ultimately convinced that his face would be forever stained scarlet after this ordeal, but he was able to engross himself in the mesmerising flick of fins, the columns of bubbles shooting from the faux coral floor, the coiling of an eel through the gravel, well enough.
“You said before that you like fishing.” He mumbled, keeping his voice quiet in the serenity of the room they presently inhabited, a large hall, half overtaken by a tall tank hosting small sharks and fishes together. “I assume you like them in general, too?”
“I do.” Ajax said, eyes glued to the silhouette of a shark overhead, a sparkle to them that was usually absent, and Diluc’s heart squeezed at the sight. “They’re very soothing, and so beautiful.”
“Soothing.” Diluc echoed, nodding absentmindedly, distracted as a flat fish burrowed into the sand.
“Yeah. I like all marine life, but whales are my favourite. They’re so…” he waved his free hand around aimlessly. “...They have a power to them, being so large and agile, but instead choose to be gentle and loving.”
Diluc felt his face scrunch up. Ajax was so cute sometimes that it hurt.
In these moments, he could forget his strife, with Ajax’s scarred fingers linked with his own, their body heat shared as they stood pressed together, blue reflecting from the lights of the tank, deepening the colour of Ajax’s eyes, nothing else really mattered. Diluc liked looking at him more than the display, enamoured by the wonder hidden beneath his expression, and a smile melted onto his face involuntarily, softening his features, brows sloping downwards with fondness.
After the aquarium, they went out for a late lunch, and then parted ways at Diluc’s door, the only thing left of Ajax a lingering kiss on parted lips.
Nothing more.
-
A strange feeling overtook Diluc the following week.
His stomach was tied in tight knots, sweat a heavy sheen on his skin, aches and shivers wracking him head to toe, and he initially wondered if he had come down with something, but he appeared in perfect health, and was left confused as to what, exactly, was happening to him.
When he stayed around at Ajax’s flat next, the other commented with poorly disguised concern on his condition, and pressed a hand to his forehead, chewing on his bottom lip in confusion when Diluc returned a fine temperature.
“Maybe I’ve got a cold.” Diluc mumbled unconvincingly into the blanket around his shoulders.
“Do you feel ill at all?”
“No.”
Ajax hummed, tapping his fingers rhythmically on his thigh, a repetitive motion whilst he thought.
“Do you wanna describe the feeling?”
“It’s like… I feel clammy, and shaky, and…” Diluc trailed off, sinking further into the blanket with a frown. What did he feel? A tight sensation in the pit of his stomach, a hard heartbeat, with stiff and achy joints and an irritable undercurrent to his emotions. A desire to burrow into bed and stay there for an entire week, Ajax pressed up behind him, chest-to-back, arms around his waist, maybe… nibbling on his ear, rolling against him slowly…
He felt his body grow hot.
He wanted to have sex with Ajax again.
It stung to think of it in such direct terms, and he pressed his palms to his eyes harshly, grimacing into them, the heat not going away, enhanced by his internal humiliation and resurfacing anxieties. Ajax’s hand came to smooth over his shoulder, rubbing comforting circles, and Diluc groaned into his wrists, hunching forwards and wrapping himself tighter in the blanket.
“I can’t…” He said, muffled by the fabric.
“Can’t?” Ajax echoed. “Can’t describe it?”
Diluc shook his head.
“Can’t say it?”
Diluc nodded.
“That’s okay.” Ajax said softly, hand pressing a little firmer, grounding and steady. “It’s okay. Can I do anything to help?”
Diluc sat up, and shuffled forwards hesitantly, settling into Ajax’s lap, cocooning them both in the blanket, creating a cosy bubble of warmth and care around the space they overlapped, and looked at his boyfriend with dark eyes half-lidded. Ajax was relaxed beneath him, and let his hands rest on Diluc’s waist, pulling him in for a kiss, open-mouthed and languid, to which Diluc felt a breath of relief leave him, sucked from his lungs by Ajax’s explorative tongue, wet and hot and easy to meet in the middle.
He pressed closer, apprehensive yet simultaneously over-eager, his arms locking around Ajax’s neck, crooked at the elbows, hands tightened into fists as he tilted his head, deepening their exchange as far as he could, his back arching involuntarily beneath Ajax’s hands. Goosebumps rose along Diluc’s arms as a shiver overtook his body, making him burn hotter every time Ajax touched him, every time they drew apart for a short breath, before melding back into one, molten and fiery. Matching his sudden vigour, Ajax ran a hand through Diluc’s ponytail, ruffling it and tugging a few strands loose along the way, the tingle in his scalp drawing a gasp from his occupied lips, before he found himself falling forwards as Ajax flopped down onto the bed, keeping Diluc on top of him with sturdy arms, never once breaking the kiss.
In this position, it was all too easy for Diluc to feel where he had grown wet against his boxers, and he rut his hips down instinctively, chasing friction against his boyfriend, before the intense sensation of shame made him freeze, not even the thawing heat of Ajax’s body beneath him able to rouse him from his sudden shellshock. He was dazed, aroused, distressed, a concoction of contrasting emotion that sent him reeling, tears pricking his eyes. Diluc drew back from where their lips met, open-mouthed, panting, spit stringing out between his teeth, tears collecting in the corners of his eyes, and Ajax chased his touch, pupils wide and dark, all-consuming…
…Until he saw the tears.
“Are you okay?” Ajax asked frantically, seemingly yanking himself out of his makeout-induced haze, holding Diluc’s hips with firm hands.
Diluc sniffed, and wondered why the fuck he was crying. He was finally on the way to getting what he so badly wanted, so why?
“Oh, baby.” Ajax mumbled, pushing Diluc’s hair back from his face, tucking it behind his ear, leaning in to kiss softly against his lips, against his shuddering breath. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Diluc felt the tears grow heavier, and inhaled deeply as they fell in fat droplets down his face, tear tracks cold where they ran on flushed skin. Why was he crying? Why, why, why?
“I’m- sorry-“ he said, hiccoughing between words, scrambling for purchase on Ajax’s back, nails digging into him through his t-shirt, and Diluc leaned against him fully, pressing his face into the junction between Ajax’s neck and shoulder, wetting his collar with unfallen tears. “Dunno why I’m… like this.”
“Maybe you are under the weather.” Ajax said, petting Diluc’s hair calmly, nuzzling into his embrace, solid and comfortable and familiar. “Or, how do I ask this…” he paused, a little awkwardly. “Feel free to shut me up if this isn’t appropriate, okay? I don’t know if it’s overstepping to ask about this, but, do you still have a monthly cycle? Or do you take pills?”
Diluc stiffened in Ajax’s arms, swallowing around the newfound dryness of his throat. He really didn’t like any aspect of his biology being raised. But, this was his boyfriend, this was Ajax , and it clicked in Diluc’s head why he was asking.
“Oh…” he murmured into the fabric of Ajax’s shirt. “I don’t take pills. It… might be due soon.”
“Does it usually affect your mood and sex drive?” Ajax asked, but there was nothing disgusted or accusatory to his tone, just pure curiosity, an offering of an idea, an explanation for Diluc’s conditions.
“My mood, yeah.” Diluc said quietly. “I don’t know about the latter. Haven’t ever thought about it.”
“Maybe that’s a new thing, hm?” Ajax drew back with a smile, meeting eyes with the other, and winked at him playfully. Diluc managed a small smile, before sinking back into Ajax’s hold again, still painfully aware of the cooling wetness between his legs, tacky and uncomfortable, his stomach still coiled tight, the lack of release paired with his anxiety leaving his chest feeling tight and hollow.
Silence enveloped them for a while, with Ajax still stroking Diluc’s hair, until he sniffed again, and braved asking something that had been bothering him for days, ever since he looked at himself in the mirror.
“Ajax, would you prefer me if I shaved?”
Ajax tensed, hand stilling, and urged Diluc to look up at him, looping a finger beneath his chin and tilting his head back. His expression was baffled, brows raised beneath his bangs, mouth turned downwards in a half-frown.
“Where did that question come from?”
“I just… wondered.” Diluc said, voice scratchy, until more tears sprung forwards, blurring Ajax in his vision, swatches of auburn and cobalt blue. “I was worried. I’m not very… appealing. So I thought- maybe- perhaps that was why we haven’t… since that first time.”
“Woah, woah.” Ajax said quickly, holding Diluc by the shoulders and sitting him up with a concerned stare. “Baby, no. No. Oh, man, this is because I haven’t communicated properly. I’m sorry.” Ajax smiled at him weakly. “I didn’t know you wanted to have sex again. I was scared to ask you too soon, in case you felt pressured. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel forced with me propositioning you, y’know? But I should’ve just said that beforehand. C’mere.”
Diluc fell forwards into Ajax’s hold once again, the other tugging them together, settling Diluc back in his lap, this time with innocence and affection, before he tucked Diluc’s head beneath his chin, cradling his jaw with a gentle hand.
“Sorry.” Diluc whispered. “If I wasn’t too cowardly to ask, it wouldn’t be a problem.”
“You don’t need to apologise.” Ajax mumbled into his hair. “And you can always ask me stuff if you’re not sure. To answer you properly, no, I don’t expect you to shave - I don’t want you to shave, either. I fell for all of you, not just bits and pieces, not for an aesthetic or idea. You, baby. Every inch of you.”
“I…” Diluc’s throat felt tight, his nose was blocked, and he couldn’t breathe. “I guess, if I was really a man, I wouldn't worry so much about it. People with bodies like mine don’t usually look so… rugged. Scruffy. Not online or in magazines, at least.”
“You are really a man.” Ajax said firmly, though there was no hint of annoyance to his tone. “And people just look like people, Diluc. It’s rough, with ads and models and porn and all that shit, it makes you think you gotta apply a certain cosmetic design to yourself, but you don’t, especially not for me.”
“It’s weird,” Diluc said stiffly, eyes burning, “having this gross idea of what I should look like. It’s a mess. ‘Cause I’ve got a woman’s body, and women are always told to look appealing and well-groomed and free of faults… so I’m scared. I don’t look enough like a man to be one, I don’t look enough like a woman to be one, I’m convinced that I’m just a disgusting, in-between thing. And I’m worried that I can’t be appealing to you. Even when you reassure you, my head tells me I'm unsightly and all wrong.”
“That’s a lot to have on your mind.” Ajax said softly. “Even if my assurance doesn’t really help, I won’t stop telling you the truth.” He drew back, framing Diluc’s face with his hands, thumbprint rough against his cheek as he wiped away drying tear tracks. “You’re so beautiful, Diluc. Your eyes-“ he brushed his thumb against the other’s fluttering eyelashes as he spoke, light and brief like a gentle breeze, mapping out his face, before tapping the end of his nose fondly, “your nose, your lips-“ he pet over the plush swell of Diluc’s mouth, a dry scab of skin catching on his fingernail, but he ignored the imperfection, pressing his forehead to the other’s insistently. “-Your ears, your neck, your hands and your bitten fingernails. Shall I keep going?”
“My ears?” Diluc finally cracked a smile, a small laugh bubbling up from deep inside of his chest.
“Yes!” Ajax grinned, tugging affectionately at his lobes. “They’re soft, and cute. I told you, every part of you is special. There’s not a single thing I don’t love.”
“I trust you.” Diluc said quietly, uncertainty riddling his tone. “Even if I can’t understand what you see in me, I’ll try to believe you.”
“That’s my boy.” Ajax beamed, and kissed him, slow and sure, palm cupping the back of Diluc’s head reassuringly, fingers finding purchase in his hair and tugging it free of its tie altogether, and Diluc let him, eyelids drooping shut of their own accord, the dissonance in his head and heart warded off by Ajax’s serene touch, by his apricot hair and peachy blush and cherry-red lips. “D’ya want to keep doing what we were doing before?” He asked with such genuineness, so few expectations, Diluc felt embarrassed with himself for how he’d behaved before he started crying, and he quickly hid his face by burying it in Ajax’s chest.
“I think I’d rather just cuddle… if that’s okay.” Guilt emerged from the acid in the pit of his stomach, ugly and lingering; he had started it, and now he didn’t even feel like continuing. Ajax must be so tired of him.
But then Ajax smiled. “Better than okay.” he said, and wrapped Diluc up in a bear hug, blanket and all, and pulled him down into an embrace, nuzzling into his hair and kissing his forehead as he so often did. It had become comforting, and Diluc felt at ease as he rested his nose against Ajax’s throat and breathed in the scent of him, enveloped in his arms and adoration, the hollow cavern of his chest feeling less and less empty with each second they spent tangled together.