Chapter Text
If you asked Phil about gods, he would say that all gods are bastards.
Well, maybe beside Lady Death, as he is very happily married to her but the rest could crash and burn and he would clap for their demise.
Before, he allowed the worship of them in his country. He was a King who only prayed to one but he knew that his subjects weren’t the same. So he held the worships, he allowed the festivities, he sent animals to sacrifice. It was good. Till gods decided to ‘punish’ him.
Philza married Kristin in secret, without pesky godly guests to ruin their ceremony. Kristin complained enough about their petty squabbles and wars they started just to fend off the boredom. They didn’t need it on their special day and so it was a quiet event. And they just didn’t bring it up later.
Life was good after that. Kristin gave him pomegranate fruit to chain him to Underground and allow him safe passages and he in turn scrounged up a ritual letting her possess a mortal from his kingdom. This way they could spend much more quality time together, even if both of them were oftentimes swamped with the royal duties.
This was also how one day they learned they were going to be parents.
One of the women that Kristin possesed whenever the Goddess wanted to meet Phil came to the king and announced her pregnancy. It was a joyous day in the kingdom.
The woman was cherished and kept safely in the inner palace where Kristin possessed her quite often. They thought nothing could break this peace.
Till the gods decided to mess with them.
‘It was a slight’ they said. ‘Philza deserved it after insulting gods’ they cried. Phil wanted to slaughter every single one of them and if not for Kristin holding him back he would have gone to Olympus and freed the mountain from some arrogant bastards.
It was an annual festivity towards a god of ocean or air, who even knew. There was dancing and a feast and there were animals for a sacrifice. Everything that Phil provided, what he approved of, before going back to worshiping the Goddess of Underworld.
Or that was the plan before he spotted a single sheep among the sacrifices.
It was short but very fluffy, with gorgeous blue wool. Philza felt enamored and just had to pet the animal. So pretty, so soft. So docile. It was one of the many and Phil thought it would be perfect for a pet for his unborn child (or children, as Kristin told him before she felt more than one soul forming inside).
So he took the sheep away and sent some of his private stock in its place. He thought it would be enough, that the trade was more than enough.
He forgot that gods are selfish bastards.
They got huffy and so awfully offended, like they had any right, when Phil never claimed to bow to them. They decided to ‘punish’ him, they targeted the woman carrying his children, blindly believing her to be his lover.
They cursed his fucking children.
Kristin was furious too but she made them both wait with revenge till after the childbirth, just so they knew how much the curse affected their little miracles. To know how badly they will have to raze the palace of gods.
And then the babies came, two strong, healthy boys.
Both half man, half beast.
The curse split, affecting both, not as strongly as it would if they were one. But still they suffered.
They named the one with wild eyes and troubled mind Technoblade. The one with fluffy legs and tiny tail got the name Wilbur.
Phil stayed with them, tended to their every whim, all the while Kristin went and announced their marriage to those fools. And then quickly knocked them all on their asses and reastablished the hierarchy. After that, everyone was bowing to the Underground, as they all should have from the very start.
It wasn’t easy to raise his boys. They were demigods in the kingdom of mortal man, affected with a curse that amplified their urges and strength. Toddler years were nightmarish to say the least.
It quickly became apparent that Techno had some traits of beast in him too. Instead of bull like features, he grew hog tusks and claws and his hair became pink, like the sky once Sun's Chariot dipped into the ocean at the end of the day. Or like pigs fur, depends who you asked. His mind was screaming and demanding, which Phil always tried to soothe.
Wilbur was the calmer one. He enjoyed music and poetry, always joyfully clapping his chubby arms whenever Phil let the artists inside the palace. But once a year his beastly side came to voice and the boy tried attacking anything and everything that entered his line of vision. The servants fled quickly after he took someone's arm off and happily started munching. He was so much stronger than any normal man after all.
Phil couldn’t care less about others so he wouldn’t usually care. But in that month when everything irritated his son, when the fur was left everywhere, Wilbur butted heads with Technoblade too. And while brunet could easily overpower even the soldiers Phil kept in the palace, he was no match for his own brother. Technoblade wasn’t gentle whenever a fight broke out too. Phil oftentimes had to forcefully pry one of the other or shield Wilbur from one hit too many. If not for Kristins blessings, he would probably join her in her Kingdom a lot earlier than the Fates have planned.
It never really became any easier. Techno grew up, honed his mind and his skills, slowly and surely intent on taking over the military force of the Kingdom. Slaying and conquering other city states calmed his thought, silenced the voices inside. He became a deadly and dedicated man.
Wilbur still craved human flesh once a year, every year. As he grew, the craving got a lot more intense and his frustrations and anger boiled in his veins. The slaughter was harder to contain to just the palace and the fights between brothers turned even more destructive. It was clear something needed to be done, if just to keep the two of them away from each other.
One day an inventor came to Philza and offered his work in exchange for a safe haven for him and his acquaintance.
“What can you offer me, the one married to Death, the Queen of all?”
Sam the Inventor bowed his head and spoke simply. “A solution.”
“To which problem?”
“I can design and build a place where you can hide your son. He won’t be able to escape or attack anyone and only you and me will hold the key. He will be safe.”
“What made you think I am ashamed of my son? Why should I ever hide him?”
Sam bowed deeper. “Not forever then. Just when the bloodshed may occur. Send him with food and wait. I can make it so he won’t suffer. And… he won’t be able to fight with the first prince.”
Philza cocked his head in consideration. It wasn’t something anyone could claim to be able to do.
“How do you plan to cage a demigod?”
“I will design an ever changing trap, with walls and corridors so deep he won’t be able to break out. Under your kingdom there is enough space for me to carve it out. And when he will calm once more, you can lower the walls once again and reunite with him.”
“Have you been blessed with magic to know how to create such an impossibility?”
“No, your majesty. I use only what is available to me on earth,” green haired man shook his head.
Phil didn’t believe him, not fully. But his price wasn’t steep and the king was curious about the result. He led the man under his kingdom and let him build, sending workers and materials his way.
His sons were eleven when Sam started building.
They were sixteen when Labyrinth opened its walls.
It was every inch the miracle Sam had promised Philza. Walls gleaming with netherite and iron, grinding along the floor that shined with glowstone from within, always changing the patterns and paths. Nooks and crannies large enough for Wilbur’s quickly growing form, deep levels of corridors filled with nothing and finally, a big area of comfort.
Phil commanded it to be filled with blankets and furs of highest quality, as well as jugs of water. And after that, he put his sons inside and they tested Labyrinth.
It took twelve days.
Labyrinth won.
“You can’t ever leave, lest you tell anyone the secrets of this miracle. But just as you wanted, my kingdom will now be a safe haven for you and your companion.”
Sam bowed and retreated to the area he claimed as his own, to the one armed man and their dog. The genius architect was trapped now at the island but he would still be better off there than anywhere else in the world. His creation was going to trap a demigod after all- not many who would catch him would use this kind of talent for good.
Labyrinth worked and that was all that mattered. Once a year, every time Wilbur started to butt heads with Techno (and shedding everywhere, gods there was so much fur- ) Phil made him go down into the guts of the palace where netherite walls shielded them from the bloodlust of a demigod.
Except those who were sent as tributes, of course. Philza was a good father after all and he would never neglect his child, sending him to timeout without a snack would be cruel. So with a bloody smile, he declared a new decree.
Every city and country that fell before his kingdom, that cherished anyone besides the Queen of Underworld, had to send each year two tributes, per each celebrated god. After all, a proper sacrifice is necessary, no?
Phil smiled to himself.
Yes, all gods were bastards. For one sheep they tried to make him suffer and so they suffered the consequences themselves.
And that fucking sheep was Wilbur’s favorite pet in the entire palace so double fuck them.