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It was another one of those nights for Catra. Thankfully, they had become rarer since she began sleeping with her now-wives, but every time she entertained the thought that she might never have them again, the dark clouds of self-hatred would roll in and she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about how much she didn’t deserve what she has now. And she wasn’t just referring to a million subscribers and financial stability.
Two wives that she loves and that love her back and friends who forgive her. It hadn’t felt real when she started writing this song a year ago and it only feels slightly more real now. After years of wishing she could take back all the things she had said and done that had caused everyone she cared about to abandon her, you would think that their forgiveness would make her feel relieved, but instead all she felt was guilt and shame. Guilt for all the pain she had caused and shame that it was all pointless.
The point of this song was to find the moment in Catra’s life where everything had fallen apart, but when she searched her memories all she could find were cloudy, ugly feelings and faces looking at her with pity, anger, and sadness when she broke their hearts. She realized it wasn’t just one moment that caused the ground to come out from under her, she had been falling the whole time and at different points the people around her had decided to stop falling with her. That realization had brought a whole new wave of self-hatred to the point where if she didn’t turn the thoughts into words and notes on paper, she would’ve broken.
The song, however, did not turn out as angry and self-loathing as she was feeling at the time. Once she had collected herself and began organizing words into phrases and then into lyrics, and notes into chords and then into music, the song began to go in a different direction. It wasn’t a song about a time where she couldn’t make things worse even if she tried, it was a song about a time where she realized harshly she needed to start making things better.
As she softly began playing the first notes of the song on her piano, low chords at a slow and steady rhythm, she felt the hatred she held towards herself morph into something more like contempt; not as loud or as angry, but still a harsh reminder. She began to sing, soft and low,
“Hold the die, your turn to roll
Before they fall,
Through your fingers.
Not a good night to lose control,
Right as the Earth is unraveling,”
Catra pictured herself watching the last thing she had walk away from her and remembered how she had tried to convince herself it wasn’t her fault.
“You play with your blocks,
Until they break,
And these walls,
Come tumbling down.
Oooohhhh, they’re tumbling down.
“You’re out of time, make your move,
Live or die, while the fuse is lit and there’s no turning back.”
Catra’s stomach twisted as her voice climbed the higher octaves.
“Kiss your perfect day goodbye!
Because the world
Is on fire.
Tuck your innocence goodnight,
You sold your friends,
Like guns for hire.
Go play with your blocks,
And then you'll pay
When these walls
Come tumbling down.
Ohhhh, they're tumbling down.
She felt the shame and melancholy spread from her core down her arms and legs, to the very tips of her fingers and into the ivory keys, into the music itself. She felt it fill her vision and leak out through her eyes as tears, through her mouth as words.
A sob cut her off and Catra let the last notes fade into silence as she stared at her trembling hands on the keys. She inhaled shakily and her feline nose picked up a familiar scent in the doorway.
"Hey, Adora," she croaked, partially from sleep, but mostly from tears.
"Hey," Adora replied tenderly.
Two years ago, that kind of tenderness would've started another round of tears, but, thankfully, now it was calming. She watched her fingers stop trembling.
"Sorry I woke you," Catra added sheepishly to fill the silence. Adora just shook her head with a slight smile.
"Don't worry about that. Are you okay?"
Catra doubted she would ever be fully okay, but, "I think I feel better, yeah."
Adora wrapped her arms around Catra's neck and rested her chin on her wife's head. Catra leaned into her and sighed through her nose, taking in her relaxing scent. "I don't think I've heard that song before."
"That's because I've never played it before. At least, not officially." Catra felt her shame being replaced by weariness. It was 2 in the morning after all. "It's too… personal."
"Yeah," Adora sighed. "Do you mind telling me what it's about?"
Catra thought for a minute, then shook her head no, careful not to move Adora's chin too much.
"It's basically me regretting all the times I blamed everyone around me for my mistakes. It just seems so childish in hindsight."
"Is that where the "play with your blocks" line comes from?"
"Yeah."
Adora hummed, then snorted, jolting both of them. "It's kinda funny. Back then, you never blamed yourself, and now you blame yourself too much."
"Yeah," Catra chuckled, "Now I'm overcompensating."
"That just means you're a good person, Catra. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, I do now” Catra breathed, “Still forget every now and then."
They stayed like that for a few moments before a worrying thought occurred to Catra. "Is Glim awake?"
"She wasn't when I left."
Catra breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. She'd kill me if I woke her up at this hour."
"She would," Adora laughed lightly, removing herself from Catra. "We should get back to bed before she notices."
Catra took Adora's hand and they made their way back to the bedroom. Glimmer was dead to the world, sprawled out on her chest and drooling into the pillow. Catra covered her mouth to stop from laughing out loud.
Careful not to disturb her glitter princess, Catra slid under the covers and pulled Glimmer's arm over her abdomen. Adora crawled in next to her and rested her head on Catra’s shoulder. A soft warmth filled her and dispelled the last of the doubt and shame. She breathed through her nose contently. She could overcome anything as long as she had her girls, even herself. Catra drifted off into a peaceful sleep.