Archive of Our Own

The fact of the matter is this: Jongseong falls in love. Heeseung doesn’t.

Jongseong can say that it started when Jake stumbled into their room, a little dazed and way too happy, talking about the prettiest man he had ever seen, or when inevitably two friend groups merged into one, bonding over shitty assignments and even shittier cans of beer. But that would be a lie. 

It starts something like this. Jongseong’s parents drop him off at college and leave with a kiss on his forehead and $100 slapped onto his free hand. He swears it’s the last time he’ll ask them for more. 

He’s buzzing with excitement, enough to not get overwhelmed by the fact that everything is so new, but not enough to drown out the nervousness thrumming through his veins. There’s never a chance for him to feel scared and alone because as soon as he walks into his dorm room, he’s greeted with:

“Hi, I’m Jake. Wanna go check out the campus together?”

A week after move-in day, Jongseong is more or less familiar with the buildings. Two rights to get to the campus cafe, and two more for his dining hall. Still, he finds himself looking around helplessly when he should’ve been sitting across Jake in the library 15 minutes ago. His confusion must be terribly visible because suddenly there’s a hand on his shoulder, turning him around as he comes face-to-face with what will go on to become his self-inflicted affliction. 

“You seem lost,” the guy says and Jongseong, because he is nothing if not a disaster of a human being, gapes at him for a solid seven seconds before he can choke out a single: “Library.”

The guy doesn’t seem fazed. He just nods, points at a building at the end of the road, and leaves when someone calls out for him from the back. And well, that is that. 

It doesn’t seem important. But Jongseong learns later on that all things related to Heeseung always are. 

It’s a whole year later when Jake meets Sunghoon and consequently, Jongseong (formally) meets Heeseung. He loves Jake, but sometimes Jongseong wishes he could’ve been a little less gay.

;

The fact of the matter is this: Heeseung is drunk when he makes the proposition. Jongseong has been unable to deny him anything since the very first day.

Jongseong barely gets a nod in before he’s being pushed up against the wall, whatever second thoughts he might’ve had disappearing as soon as Heeseung’s lips are on him. Five minutes and an embarrassing almost-orgasm later, Jongseong is spread out on a bed, naked, with an equally naked Heeseung grinding down on him. It spirals from there.

The next thing he knows, he’s being pulled into bathrooms left and right, his neck is never not red in at least three different spots, and he doesn’t remember the last time he put his own hand on his dick. He doesn’t need to. Heeseung’s libido is more insane than anything Jongseong has ever known and he just fucks so good. He’s a giver through and through, and it takes Jongseong some time to come to terms with the fact that Heeseung has practically turned him into a fucking pillow princess. 

They never really get to become friends before they become….this. Jongseong doesn’t get to fall in love through dates, inside jokes, hushed conversations, or shared dinners. Instead, he gets lust-filled looks from across the room, two-word texts that turn his world upside down, and only glimpses of Heeseung between classes and hook-ups, never once inside of him.

Like clockwork, Jake leaves their room on Monday and Thursday evenings at 7. Heeseung shows up at 8. Without a single word about it ever exchanged, Jake starts coming back later. That’s the thing. They never tell anyone, but everyone knows anyway.

Heeseung never stays past 12. Jongseong never asks him to. They’ve never discussed the details of their arrangement outright because Heeseung would rather go two weeks without a joint than talk about anything serious, ever. It’s like their very own Fight Club. Except, Jongseong is the only one taking hit after hit. 

One night though, in a moment of desperation,—the result of a particularly long day and a fight with his parents—Jongseong reaches out to grab Heeseung’s wrist before he leaves. Heeseung turns to him, half-naked and confused, but doesn’t make a move to sit back down on the bed. 

“Hyung,” Jongseong says. His voice is barely louder than a whisper. He feels as pathetic as he sounds. “Tell me something. Anything. It doesn’t have to be true. Just–please.”

He can practically see the gears in Heeseung’s head turning as he takes in Jongseong’s words. “Okay, Jongseong-ah. Two truths and a lie.” Heeseung yields after a beat, still rooted in his place. “One, I used to have nipple piercings but I took them out. Two, I’ve never been in love. Three, Sunghoonie was my first kiss.”

“The first one is a lie,” Jongseong says, hand falling back to his side. Heeseung just smiles, shrugs, puts on his shirt and leaves.

It’s the most he’ll get out of Heeseung. Jongseong knows better than to ask for more. Still, the vulnerability, albeit temporary, is surprising. He wonders if any of what Heeseung said is true.

;

The fact of the matter is this: Something happened between Heeseung and Sunghoon in high school. Nobody knows what.

Jongseong brings it up one night in the otherwise silent room, where Jake is somehow trying to write three assignments at the same time. 

“Heeseung-hyung and Sunghoon,” he starts. Jake startles and then turns to him with an eyebrow raised as if asking ‘are you talking to me?’. “Do you know what went down?”

“No. Sunghoon doesn’t really like talking about those days,” he tilts his head dismissively.

Jongseong sits up straighter on his bed. “And that doesn’t bother you?”

Jake snorts, but he’s spinning his chair around to face Jongseong anyway. “Whatever it was, it’s in the past, Jay-ah. I’m ready to wait until he’s ready to talk about it. If that happens to be never, then so be it,” he ends his sentence with a shrug and turns his attention back to his laptop.

His indifference is unsettling. It makes the itch underneath Jongseong’s skin burn harder. Because if Jake doesn’t care even when his boyfriend is involved, what right does Jongseong have to be upset? Or jealous. Or whatever the fuck he’s feeling right now.

“How would I know?” is the first thing Sunoo says to him when Jongseong finally asks the question after skirting around the topic for 20 minutes. His left hand is wrapped around the iced americano that Jongseong paid for, the right one going for another bite of the cheesecake that Jongseong bought for both of them.

Ignoring how light his wallet feels in his back pocket, Jongseong places one elbow on the table and rests his chin on his palm. “You literally went to the same high school as them.”

Sunoo makes a show of swallowing his food before answering him. “You know I wasn’t really close to them back then. Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Just—I just need to know if it was serious,” Jongseong tries one last time.

“I don’t think anyone but them can answer that for you, hyung.” He takes one look at Jongseong’s pitiful face and sighs. “Here’s all I know. Everyone thought they were dating and they denied it until the very last day. That’s it.”

Jongseong isn’t sure what he looks like right now, but judging by the way Sunoo’s eyes soften, it must be something akin to miserable. “Do you think they were? Dating, I mean.”

Sunoo shrugs, lifting his cup to take a sip and looking out of the window. “They were always together. And I mean always. Heeseung-hyung was very protective of Hoon-hyung, even more than he is now. I’m not sure if they were anything but friends, but I can see why people thought what they did.”

“Hyung,” Sunoo speaks up again when Jongseong doesn’t make any move to talk, “Why don’t you just ask him?”

“It’s none of my business,” Jongseong’s voice trembles. Sunoo huffs but doesn’t call him out on it. Now more than ever, Jongseong is grateful for his ability to read the room.

Jongseong lets his thoughts eat him up from the inside for a total of 5 days, 11 hours, and 17 minutes before he approaches One Of Them about it. The music echoing throughout the house and the alcohol in his system make things just a little bit easier.

“Heeseung-hyung cares about you a lot, huh?” He hopes he doesn’t sound as bitter to Sunghoon as he does to his own ears.

Sunghoon hums. “I care about him a lot too.” And then proceeds to face-plant into Jongseong’s lap. 

So maybe that’s another reason why Joongseong chose now as a good time to talk. Sunghoon is terrible at holding his alcohol—gets all dopey and talkative as soon as he has two drinks in him. He’s really similar to Jake in that way. And in a hundred more.

“Hoon-ah,” Jongseong starts, guilt settling in before he even finishes the sentence, “Do you like hyung?”

“‘course I do. He’s my best friend.” 

“No I mean—,” Jongseong tries to explain, but when he looks down, Sunghoon has already passed out.

All of them meet up for brunch the next day and Sunghoon acts like the conversation never happened. If it’s on purpose or because he doesn’t remember, Jongseong isn’t sure. He’s relieved either way.

When they place their order, Sunghoon gets a strawberry milkshake. Heeseung gets eggs and pancakes and slides the latter towards Sunghoon five minutes after they arrive, watching him devour every last bit of it like a proud parent.

It’s a little unnerving.

“Sunghoon-hyung really is your favourite,” Jungwon coos as if this wasn’t a recurring occurrence. In true Heeseung fashion, he doesn’t pay it any mind. 

Jungwon’s not wrong. Heeseung has never denied it. It’s obvious how nonchalantly considerate he is of Sunghoon if you’re looking and Jongseong is never not looking.

So here is what Jongseong knows: 

1. Heeseung and Sunghoon may or may not be exes. 
2. That may or may not be why Heeseung has closed himself off from dating.
3. Heeseung would help Sunghoon hide a body and then take the blame in his place if it came down to that. 
4. There’s this tangible tension that follows them around everywhere, and anyone can see it if they’re paying enough attention.
5. When he thinks Sunghoon isn’t looking, Heeseung stares at him discreetly, eyes shining with what seems a lot like guilt.
6. Whatever happened between Heeseung and Sunghoon in high school, Heeseung carries the burden of the aftermath with him, still.

;

The fact of the matter is this: Everyone is aware of how Jongseong feels. They never bring it up directly. 

Jongseong is used to the concerned looks Jungwon shoots his way when he and Heeseung show up to their gatherings late and disheveled, the way Jake hugs him extra hard when yet another junior approaches Heeseung at a party, and also Riki’s incessant probing when he wears a shirt that’s cut just low enough. 

In the end, he breaks the unspoken rule himself. “Do you think hyung knows?”

Jake pretends not to know what he’s talking about for exactly five seconds before giving up the act too. “Yeah. I’m sorry, but he’d be a real idiot not to notice, Jay-ah. You’re not very good at hiding these things.”

“And hyung’s always been good at picking them up,” Jongseong says, heart inside his throat.

“Just tell him. What’s the worst that could happen?” Jongseong scoffs and Jake takes it as his cue to continue. “Hyung can be an asshole sometimes, but he’s not cruel.”

Jongseong sighs. “I tried once. After we—yeah. He just confirmed what I already knew. Hyung doesn’t date, everyone knows that.”

“When was this?” Jake leans forward inquisitively.

“Right after New Year’s.” 

“That was months ago,” Jake says. As if that matters.

Jongseong just shrugs. “I don’t see how anything could’ve changed since then.”

“You’re a fool.” It’s said with no real bite, but it’s true enough that Jongseong can’t help but laugh.

What Jongseong tells Jake isn’t a complete lie, but it’s not exactly the truth either. This is what he doesn’t say:

Heeseung lies next to Jongseong, still naked and high as a kite. After his heart and then his entire being, the last of his weed was the only thing Jongseong had left to give to make Heeseung stay, even for a little while.

“Hyung,” Jongseong calls out but doesn’t turn to look at him. Heeseung hums to let him know that he’s listening. “I know we’ve never talked about it, but if one of us starts dating someone, we’ll call this off, right?”

Jongseong doesn’t think what he says is funny. The laugh that Heeseung lets out shakes the bed and makes him second-guess it. “I don’t think you have to worry about that from my side.”

“You can’t possibly know that. Maybe in a few weeks, you’ll be telling me how you finally let one of the sophomores court you,” Jongseong says, sounding only slightly petulant. 

“If one of us deserves to be taken care of, it’s you, Jongseong-ah.” 

It’s the most sincere thing he has ever heard Heeseung say and it catches him off guard, heart stuttering inside his chest. He finally turns his head to face Heeseung, who’s staring back at him, eyes hooded but still filled with something Jongseong has only ever seen him direct at Sunghoon. The moment seems to last forever until Heeseung moves first, stubbing out his joint and taking his leave.

The bright red ‘12:45’ from the clock lighting up his room is the last thing Jongseong registers before he passes out. He wakes up the next day to Jake yelling at him to turn his alarm off and convinces himself that it was all a dream. 

Jongseong is stupid, but he’s not clueless. He knows that he falls in love the same way every single time: fast and hard. It happened with Hyunji and then with K and then with Jake. When he was 16 and his first girlfriend was breaking up with him, she told him it was because he loved her too much.

“I’m not trying to be cruel, Jay. But it’s like I can’t breathe.”

Suffocating, that’s what being loved by Jongseong feels like. And if it’s Heeseung–who lives his life as if it’s an Episode story, who is fueled by the freedom of not being attached to anyone, who would shave his own eyebrows off if it meant he didn’t have to address his feelings–how can Jongseong ever burden him with his love? 

So he doesn’t. Because no matter what Jake thinks, Jongseong’s love is not selfless. It is selfish in the way he can’t bring himself to stop this thing with Heeseung, in the way he was glued to Jake’s side for the entirety of freshman year even though he knew it was going nowhere, in the way he pretended not to notice Jungwon’s puppy crush on him because his heart was already set on someone else. And Heeseung doesn’t deserve to get trapped in the mess Jongseong has created for himself.

On a chilly November night, when everybody is piling out of Yeonjun’s apartment, Jongseong abandons his second bag of chips and joins Jake on the balcony. They’re on the 19th floor of a building that they couldn’t have even dreamt of being let into, nursing drinks they never should’ve been able to get in the first place. God bless Heeseung and his rich, hot friends. Jake keeps stealing glances out the door, where Sunghoon is leaning against the counter, laughing at whatever Kai and Beomgyu are animatedly discussing. They’ve been dancing around each other for weeks now, and Jongseong wishes he could Parent Trap them without getting cussed out for meddling.

So, in his drunken state of mind, he does what he knows best. He plops down on the chair next to Jake and makes a fool out of himself.

“I used to be in love with you, you know?” 

Jake blinks at him before looking away. “Yeah. Sorry.”

Jongseong laughs and nudges his shoulder playfully. “You don’t have to apologize for that, dumbass. I’m glad you saved me the embarrassment by never bringing it up.”

And he is. Sometimes, love is not meant to be shared. It’s his, heavy, unrequited, and that’s okay.

“Why are you telling me now?” Jake asks, and Jongseong wishes he’s sober enough to understand everything being said.

“Because right now, I need you to be a little more sure about yourself. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, Jake-ah, but what I do know is that he’s been waiting for you to make a move all night,” Jongseong nods towards Sunghoon, “You’re good for each other and more importantly, you deserve to be happy.”

He ruffles Jake’s hair when he notices his bottom lip trembling and shoots him a reassuring smile. “Go get him.”

The words seem enough to get Jake moving. He dusts his clothes off and moves towards the door, turning around right before stepping inside. “You’re very easy to love, Jay-ah. I’m sorry I couldn’t but that just means you’re going to meet someone who’s going to reciprocate it ten times harder,” Jake’s eyes soften as he grips the handle with both hands, “And when you do, I’m going to be the happiest person alive.”

Jongseong’s cheeks grow warm as he waves Jake off, shouting out a ‘good luck’ behind his back. 

Nobody is surprised when Jake and Sunghoon show up holding hands in the morning, awkwardly hovering over the table until everyone stops cheering. Not an ounce of jealousy prickles Jongseong’s skin, his delight sincere as he nods at Jake when no one is looking. His feelings have long since faded, way before he began to help Jake get the man of his dreams. And even when the couple gets bombarded with questions about the previous night, he can’t bring himself to care when his eyes are glued to someone else across the table anyway.

It all comes to a head the day before Sunoo’s birthday. They’d promised not to go home until they had one last celebration and Sunoo turning 19 seemed like a good enough excuse. 

Jongseong finds out later that it’s Riki who sets off the domino effect. He bets against Heeseung and Jongseong getting together before Heeseung’s senior year starts because Riki is Riki, and nothing brings him more joy than gaining something from watching everyone’s lives fall apart. Jungwon takes him up on it and only has to bat his eyelashes at Sunoo twice to get him to approach Sunghoon about it. Because if Sunghoon is Heeseung’s favourite, Sunoo is Sunghoon’s. Jake overhears them and volunteers to knock some sense into Heeseung. 

Which does and at the same time does not explain why Jongseong gets cornered as soon as he walks into the club. Heeseung drags him out the back door and leans against the wall of the shadiest alley Jongseong has ever been in. He looks good. It’s Heeseung, of course he looks good. His hair is slicked back, recently dyed black from the previous pink, both courtesy of Sunoo. His thighs are straining against his jeans because he hasn’t gotten a new pair since he was 16 and his leather jacket makes him look like a less white and less straight version of an e-boy. He is the protagonist of every one of Jongseong’s wet dreams. 

“You could have at least let me wish Sunoo before pulling me aside for a quickie, hyung.” Jongseong laughs, but his smile falls the moment Heeseung pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket.

It’s one of the very first things Jongseong had noticed about him. Heeseung dabbles in weed and hard alcohol, but he only smokes cigarettes when he wants to be earnest without being completely out of it. The implication makes bile rise in Jongseong’s throat and he wishes he’d taken up Jake on his offer to pregame instead of packing his bags. He needs to not be sober if they’re having this conversation.

“It’s not 12 yet,” Heeseung says, offering the cigarette to Jongseong who declines. “You’re in love with me,” he says next as if it holds no weight. As if it’s as obvious and elementary as stating the time. 

And what is the point of pretending? Jongseong’s always been a terrible liar anyway. “It’s not like you just found out.” Jongseong wishes Heeseung hears the question he doesn’t ask. 

He does. Because Jongseong knows he’s that easy to read. Jake had told him once that he wears his heart out on his sleeve and Jongseong had enough self-awareness not to disagree. “I didn’t. But we’re not going to see each other for three months and Jake asked me to get my shit together before we leave for the break.”

Jongseong scoffs at that. “Hyung, I’m sorry but when have you listened to anything that we ever say?” Another thing Jongseong had noticed about him. Nobody can really make Heeseung do anything unless he really wants to do it himself.

Heeseung nods, shifting his weight to his other foot and leaning his head back against the wall. Jongseong is still lingering in front of him and the smoke has spread enough to cloud his senses from the dumpsters they’re standing next to. “Sunghoonie dropped by after he left.” He doesn’t explain further. Jongseong hears what he doesn’t say as well.

“You love him,” Jongseong states. Because to him, that is a fundamental truth.

“I do, but not in the way he wanted me to,” Heeseung says and it’s not where Jongseong had expected this to go. If Heeseung is confessing that, it means they’re laying it all out tonight. He’s already hanging on by a thin thread and it’s only going to take one hit from Heeseung for his heart to be left out to bleed dry.

Jongseong eyes the cigarette in Heeseung’s hand, lit up but not a single drag taken out of it. “If we’re doing this, I need you to be completely honest. No half truths, no running away.”

Heeseung sighs, but drops the cigarette and puts it out with his heel, sliding down against the wall next to it. He waits for Jongseong to do the same before speaking up. “The summer after my sophomore year of high school, Sunghoon and I tried alcohol for the first time. Everything is a blur after that but what we did remember in the morning is that we’d kissed. We never really talked about it but it kept happening.” 

“That one wasn’t a lie,” Jongseong points out, “He really was your first kiss.”

Heeseung looks confused for a second before the realisation settles in and he smiles. “He was a lot of my firsts," he sighs, "It was mostly my fault. Sunghoon kept brushing his own feelings aside because he knew I didn’t want to talk about it and we just let things happen as they did.” 

And doesn’t that sound awfully familiar? Jongseong looks at Heeseung and for the first time, he feels sorry for him. It’s like he can already tell what’s coming. “What happened, hyung?” He asks. Just for the sake of it.

“I was about to graduate. I was going to leave that shitty town and Sunghoon decided that he couldn’t hold back anymore. So he said what he’d already been expressing with his body for two years,” Heeseung lets out a dry laugh, eyes locked on the wall in front of him, “He told me he loved me and that he knew I loved him back.”

“Did you?” Jongseong asks. Because it’s the one question Heeseung has always seemed dead set on not giving a clear answer to.

“I don’t know. Fuck, I wish I did so that I could’ve saved us both a lot of time and tears. But I was scared. I was fucking terrified of what we could be. So I ran away.” He pulls his knees to his chest and tries to hide his face, but he’s not fast enough and Jongseong can see a single tear sliding down his cheek. “I avoided all contact with him until I went back home after freshman year.” 

Jongseong wishes he could comfort him. But the third thing he’d noticed about Heeseung is that he hates being pitied. So he waits.

“Sunghoon is too kind. Even after everything I’d done, he said he didn’t blame me. He’d already made the choice to come here by then and he told me he wanted to try to fix things between us. Try to be friends again. I don’t deserve him at all but I figured it was the least I could do for him.” 

“That’s why you seemed to worship him when we first met,” Jongseong admits shamelessly.

Heeseung laughs and nods. “We were still fixing things then. I was trying to help him out in any way that I could in a pathetic attempt to make it up to him.”

“It’s not pathetic,” Jongseong says. And he means it. “Anyone can tell you care about him, hyung. You’re a good friend.”

Heeseung bites his lip and shifts closer, the movement small enough to make Jongseong feel like he’d imagined it. “I didn’t want to admit it, but I was so relieved when he met Jake. They’re good for each other,” Heeseung blurts out, before deciding that he’s said enough.

“Thank you for telling me.” Jongseong bumps their shoulders together and when he sees that Heeseung’s embarrassment has started settling in, he says, “I think it’s the most I’ve heard you talk while sober.” It does the job. Heeseung digs his heel into Jongseong’s foot and laughs when he twists in pain before the silence engulfs them again. 

“Heeseung,” Jongseong drops the honorifics and hopes his sincerity seeps through, “You know how I feel. How I’ve felt for a while now.” He inches his hand towards Heeseung and flinches when he pulls away.

“Didn’t you hear anything that I just said? I’m not meant for this, Jongseong-ah. I don’t know how to love.” Heeseung cracks his knuckles, a nervous habit Jongseong has seen him do a million times. “I told you the truth because you deserve to know. I couldn’t give him what he wanted then and I can’t give you what you want now.”

“Whatever you’re ready for is enough,” Jongseong says without hesitation. He’s sure about it because he’s gone over this scenario in his head a hundred times over. 

Heeseung shakes his head. “No. I can’t ask you to settle, Jongseong-ah. It’s not fair.”

“It’s not settling if it’s you.” Jongseong shifts to sit in front of Heeseung, close enough to touch him but still maintaining his distance. “I don’t care if you don’t know how to do this. I don’t care if you make mistakes. I don’t care if it’s not easy for you to tell me you love me or if you don’t want to yell it out for the world to hear. I don’t need any of that. I just need you.”

“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung’s voice trembles and Jongseong knows he’s won, “You have no sense of self-preservation, you know that?”

They’re slowly moving towards each other, as naturally as moths to a flame.

“Yeah,” Jongseong admits, “And you have a lot of it. We’ll balance each other out.” 

Jongseong has never felt embarrassed about being desperate and he’s not above begging so he looks directly into Heeseung’s eyes and whispers, “Please.”

Heeseung gives in then, closing the distance between them, and then they’re kissing, another first with Heeseung being sober. It’s hungry and all-consuming and everything Jongseong thought it would be. He cradles Heeseung’s face between his hands and traces promises on his lips.

The next set of events happens something like this:

They head back inside and Sunoo scolds them for missing the midnight mark before screeching when he notices their intertwined hands. Jungwon holds out his hand towards Riki—who pulls out his wallet and hands over the money reluctantly—and then with his fists full of cash, leans over to plant a fat kiss on Sunoo’s lips. Sunoo’s eyes widen in surprise but then he’s smiling, looking like it’s the best gift he got all night even when the Switch they’d all pitched in to buy sits right next to him. Jake looks like he’s about to cry and that’s enough for Jongseong to know that he’s already past his two drink limit. Sunghoon has an arm around his waist to steady him and uses the other one to shoot them a thumbs up. Jongseong watches him and Heeseung have a mental conversation before exchanging a smile and decides that everything is going to be okay.

;

The fact of the matter is this: Jongseong falls in love. Heeseung is slowly learning how to love him back.