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Her eyes opened, golden topaz, wide and unseeing. Her breath came out in a strangled sob as she sat up ramrod straight. Muscles trembled under bronze skin that was soaked with sweat and covered with goosebumps. It took a moment before Phoenix Shepard became aware of her surroundings, and when she did, her hand reached unerringly for the drawer set inside the bedside table. Grabbing for the case inside, she placed it in front of her as she situated her body into a loose meditation pose.
She barely winced during the first line the razor sharp knife made into her skin. It wasn't until the third that the tears began to flow from her eyes as if mimicking the blood that trickled down her forearm. Upon the fifth, a low keening wail filled the room as the grief spilled forth from the dam her cutting had shattered.
Phoenix knew what they called her behind her back - Ice Queen, Black Widow, hell some believed she had as much emotion as a VI. They just didn't understand, didn't know, how hard it was to live day by day with the shit she'd been through. Bouncing from ship to ship as a kid with both parents in the Navy didn't make it easy on her when it came to building friendships. They didn't know of the strength it took each day, hell every minute, to keep herself numb and focused on the job in front of her so that it would get done. Those people - they thought she didn't feel a thing? If anything, she felt too much, but it took physical pain to breech the wall and allow her to pour everything out before it overwhelmed her. Closing her eyes, Phoenix felt herself fall back into the memories, the scars on her soul.
Most of her squad lay dead or dying around her as they strove to inflict payback on the batarians for their attack on Elysium. Their deaths, along with the deaths of the batarians who had surrendered, were thanks to missteps on her end. Each name, each face, was carved into her memories in the hopes that she'd never repeat such mistakes again. They called her 'ruthless', she called herself stupid.
Chocolate eyes stared at her with love and a gentle understanding as she left their owner with the bomb, knowing that he was the only one with the technical know-how to set it off and make sure their mission was a success.
Rage and grief flowed over her, through her, and around her as the one expressing those emotions ordered her to do what she could to bring back the colonists stolen from around him. Helplessness filled her, knowing that what he wanted her to do, she couldn't.
Despair crawled through her every pore when Dr. Kenson cut off her transmission before she could warn the batarians of the imminent destruction of the Alpha Relay. Watching the light of that system wink out from the galaxy map, knowing her actions had taken over three hundred thousand innocent lives, almost brought her to her knees.
Her latest failure imprinted itself onto her soul, adding to her sleepless nights and waking numbness. Phoenix couldn't get rid of the movie reel that continuously played in her mind of the little blond haired boy as he climbed into the waiting Kodiak only to have it brought down by a Reaper. The knife dug in a little deeper, wrenching a cry from her lips and reminding her that she could still feel. There were many days she wondered how much of her was truly human anymore, especially after her two years spent inside one of Cerberus' many labs.
At first all he could see was a waterfall of hair the color of the purest honey. As he continued further into the room, his heart chilled at the cry that filled the cabin. He'd never heard a sound so lacking in hope before. His eyes were drawn down toward the movement of her arms and the spill of blood that covered them, soaking into her black pants beneath.
"Shit," Vega hissed as he sprinted over toward the Commander. Reaching over, he grabbed the blood slick knife from her fingers and tossed it across the room before stripping off his shirt and tearing it into strips to wrap around her arms. The look of utter defeat in her eyes, the lack of life, fisted around his heart as he stared into their golden depths.
"Why? Why would you do something like this to yourself, Pheonix?"
"It reminds me I can still feel, that I'm not some cyborg or AI. It reminds me that I'm still alive, breaks down the barriers so I can grieve…" she answered, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Ahh, my sweet ángel caído, don't do this to yourself. You're only helping the Reapers by doing this, no? Talk to me… just… talk to me, please?" he murmured into her ear. She slid off the bed and into his arms, the two of them curling up together on the floor, and rested her bandaged arms gingerly against his chest. Burying her face into the crook of his neck, she let the tears fall.
"I just… so much death stains my soul."
"Hard to be a soldier and not have death touch you."
"Yeah, but how many soldiers cost hundreds of thousands of innocents their lives? I try to save them, not end them. And that little boy… he was only six or seven, James."
"We can't save 'em all no matter how hard we try. All we can do is try to do better for the ones still standin', right?"
"Yeah…" she sniffled, relaxing as he tightened his hold on her. "Would you… would you do me a favor, please?"
"Depends. As long as I don't have to watch Joker and EDI making kissy faces at each other and I get a chance at talking you into getting inked, I'll consider it."
A small laugh gurgled out of her and she wiped her eyes before leaning back to look up into Vega's face.
"Don't let Chakwas or any of the other crew members know what happened here. I don't want them to look at me with pity or have people walk on eggshells around me worrying that they might be the one to snap my sanity," she sighed.
"Only if you promise me that you'll come to me when you start to feel overwhelmed. This is a two way street, Lola. You pushed me into stepping up and actually doing something about my flirting, to take that chance at something more, so you're gonna be dealing with the consequences. If I have to, I'll take to bunking up here every night, push myself into your life, and make sure you're takin' care of yourself physically and mentally."
"I promise and… bunking here sounds like a good idea. My nightmares are getting worse."
"You got it. I'll start haulin' my shit up here today. Now just relax and let me hold you a bit, alright?"
"Yeah, okay…" Phoenix replied, pressing her lips lightly against his jawline before settling down against him, letting the strength that surrounded her, cocooned her, bring about the rest she truly needed.