Work Text:
My name is Kazren Kandor, and I have no idea where I am.
I had been cooking dinner for my family, but suddenly I'm not. Looking around, all that surrounds me is darkness. I can feel metal around my wrists and ankles, which really burns. It must be cold iron. A door opens and light spills in, nearly blinding me.
"Get up demon scum," hissed a masculine voice from the door.
"I have a name dear fellow, and I can assure you it isn't 'demon scum'," is my suave reply. I decide to get up anyway, before they get any more enraged. Walking to the door, I get a good look at my captors. A pug-faced man whom seems to really enjoy scowling at me, and a woman wearing a simple hooded robe. Her face is covered in shadow.
Usually at this point I would have escaped, but the cold iron manacles binding my wrists and ankles kept me from going anywhere quickly. The woman speaks up in a soft soprano, "I know your name Mr. Kandor, and I need your help." I have to laugh at that.
"Why on this good green earth would I help you?" I reply frankly.
"Because, I have your children," she says, giving me a look.
Uhm. Excuse me?
"Excuse me whoever you are, what gives you the right to kidnap me and my children?" at this point I'm on the verge of freaking out. What kind of father wouldn't be?
"Because. I am the queen" she states it so simply, it was hard to doubt her. My eyebrows flew up my face as if they had little brains in their furriness. Then, despite it being slightly rude, I burst out laughing.
"Woman, if you are the queen then I'm the Easter Bunny!"
"I do not believe I am hiring the Easter Bunny," she says as she draws back the hood. It is the queen.
It just had to be the queen.
"Alright, if you have my children, then prove it."
She and pug-face walk me further into the dungeon, and lo and behold, there are my kids. They seem to be alright, so I decide to not go all kamakazi on them. They walk me out of the dungeon and into some sort of drawing room. The queen hands me a bag, then walks out. Pug-face uncuffs me, then walks behind a screen with a warning.
"If you do anything funny, I will be forced to use.....force."
"Not the brightest torch in the bunch are you?"
I open the bag. Inside is a scroll, and some garments. It's a rather big bag. I take out the garments and put them on. They're exactly my size, red, and padded armor with embedded chainmail. Not bad. Unrolling the scroll, at first glance it's just any old contract. Then I look closer. It is a demon contract, because her queenlieness wants to hire me as her mercinary. Wonderful. First job done well, I get my children back, I do more jobs and she'll pay me, blah blah blah, boring boring boring. Well, it doesn't seem all that bad.
*TIMESKIP PROVIDED BY LAZY WRITERS*
They throw me out of the castle as soon as I finish signing the contract. My first job is to get Excalibur back from Spain. How they got it in the first place, I'm not even sure I want to know. I go out into the woods to walk to Spain. I am really stupid for doing this and I realize but there's less people out here.
I'm walking along the beaten path in the woods when a sack descends over my head.