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“Today, can you give yourself permission to fall?”
The question hung in the air, as silent and provoking as Rintarou expected it to be. He felt frozen in place, desperately using the white glow of fridge light to ground himself. He couldn’t meet Osamu’s eyes, bowing his head in shame. Exhaling through his nose, he stared at the plate holding tomorrow’s lunch in the fridge.
12 pieces of spicy tuna onigiri. 6 for Osamu, 6 for Rintarou. So fulfilling. So constant. So perfectly shaped, molded with Osamu’s nimble fingers; not a grain was out of place. Nothing like Rintarou. As petty and irrational as it sounded, he couldn’t help but feel jealous of their lunch. He could feel the sour taste of pettiness creep up his throat.
Osamu’s voice was soft when he whispered, “Rin?”
Rintarou stayed silent, despite the words threatening to spill out of his mouth. He wanted nothing more than to say yes to Osamu, his roommate, his best friend since high school. He wanted nothing more than to wake up next to Osamu in the morning and watch the rise and fall of his chest. He so desperately craved the feeling of Osamu’s skin against his, to feel those nimble fingers intertwined with his throughout the day. He wanted to hold Osamu’s hand in public and display to the world that his best friend was his in mind, body, and soul. Rintarou desperately, desperately wanted to say yes. To tell Osamu that he’d already fallen for him 10 times over since they were in high school.
But something dark in the back of his mind held him back. Memories of icy words that were sharp as knives. The eggshells he had to walk constantly on to adapt to their moods. The shades of purple and red bloomed on his skin after a heated argument had gone horribly wrong. The fury Rintarou couldn’t believe he dealt with daily, was always directed at him. Not to mention the fake smiles he needed to plaster on his face whenever they went out to see their friends. They couldn’t know what was happening behind closed doors.
Osamu always knew something was wrong, though. Beautiful, compassionate, headstrong Osamu. He was the one that encouraged Rintarou to finally leave that relationship, easily piercing through the nonchalant front Rintarou had the sad tendency to put up.
Maybe, just maybe, if Rintarou never got into a relationship with that person in the first place, he could be with Osamu. There would be no reason to heal in the first place. The yearning to wake up next to Osamu and to hold his hand could become a reality. He wouldn’t have to be hyper-aware that he was now a shell of his former self. He wouldn’t have to ride the rollercoaster that was his healing process, even two years post-breakup. Rintarou hated the way that part of his life turned out. He could be Osamu’s and Osamu could be his. But life was cruel, and Osamu wasn’t his.
He knew agreeing to be roommates with Osamu after college was a huge step. For the first year or so, Rintarou deliberately avoided contact with everyone. He’d always shy away, brushing off his team’s attempts to celebrate their wins elsewhere. Washio and Komori only knew part of what happened, yet Rintarou couldn’t help but hate the pity in their eyes each time he declined their invitations. Aran and Kita only knew the little bits of the story Osamu would tell them (with Rintarou’s permission, of course). Not even Atsumu, Osamu’s own twin, knew the full story of what happened between Rintarou and his ex. Only Osamu knew the highs and lows, the rise and (many) downfalls of that relationship. And it was Osamu that finally convinced Rintarou to get out.
Healing not being a linear process was a fact Rintarou needed a while to get used to. There were many good days when Rintarou felt like he could face the world head-on. But there were also the infrequent nightmares where he would wake up in a cold sweat, only to realize he was no longer in that relationship and that he was safe in his shared apartment with Osamu.
It was always Osamu, Osamu, Osamu , even from the beginning. A blatant yet solid fact Rintarou realized too late. No matter where Rintarou went, Osamu would surely be by his side. It even came to a point where Atsumu started to (jokingly?) feel threatened that he was being overshadowed. Maybe that was the reason Rintarou let his guard down around Osamu too easily. Because he finally realized that Osamu would always be there. Since they were kids, high schoolers, college students, and now, full-fledged adults; Osamu would always be by his side .
“I…” Rintarou said softly, looking up and meeting Osamu’s eyes for what felt like the first time that night. He swallowed when he saw the whirlwind of emotions in his gray eyes. Osamu did not need to vocalize what he was feeling. Those eyes said more than enough.
They’re gone. They’re not a part of your life anymore.
Thank you for trusting me.
I won’t hurt you. I’m not like them.
You’re so strong.
And, with a heavy heart, Rintarou could make out the clearest message Osamu wasn’t outrightly saying. He could feel his mouth dry up, not even noticing that Osamu’s teary face was merely a foot or two from his. When did he get closer? Why was he crying?
I love you. I’ll always wait for you.
“I’m sorry,” Osamu whispered, breaking the eye contact between them. He took a step away from Rintarou with shaky hands. “I didn’t mean to push you or anything. This was stupid. I was stupid.”
“Samu,” Rintarou said sharply, not missing how watery his own voice sounded. “Don’t ever call yourself stupid, you hear me?”
Osamu sighed. “We’re focusing on you, dumbass. Not me.”
“But without you, I wouldn’t even be here,” Rintarou pleaded. Osamu inhaled sharply, jerking his head up to make eye contact again. Rintarou continued. “You’ve been nothing but kind to me since we were kids. Everywhere I look, you’re already there waiting. I want to say yes so badly. But… it’s hard.”
“Yeah, no shit,” Rintarou snorted at that, causing Osamu to smile for the first time since they started talking. Time slowed down as Rintarou took in how beautiful Osamu looked in the glow of the refrigerator light. “There’s that laugh I like hearing so much.”
God, how did he not see this before? He leaned back against the drawers behind him, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Rintarou blew a strand of hair out of his face before continuing. “I want you to know that you’re not the only one who feels that way,” he said softly. “I just… need some time.”
“And I will gladly give you that,” Osamu replied automatically. Rintarou felt his heart twist at the sincerity in his voice. He could feel tears start to gather at his lashline, but didn’t care to wipe them away. Osamu has seen him cry before; why would tonight make any difference?
“You’re so…” Rintarou’s voice broke as he sniffed loudly, “God, I can’t stand you.”
Osamu’s laugh was watery before he responded. “I have a hard time believing that.”
“I don’t want to lead you on,” Rintarou sniffed again. “That’s why I’m not directly saying it. But I’m selfish and you already know what I’m getting at, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to be stuck with me because of it.”
Osamu sighed. “I’m not here because I feel ‘stuck,’ Rin. I’m here because I want to be.”
“You’re going to make me start bawling ,” Rintarou replied, finally wiping at the tears spilling down his cheeks. “Fuck, I don’t deserve you.”
“And I don’t deserve you ,” came Osamu’s reply. He sniffed before smiling softly at Rintarou. “Guess that makes us even, huh?”
Rintarou nodded, his vision blurring again with the new assault of tears. “I want to be selfish. I want to say yes.”
“I won’t push you to do so until you’re ready,” Osamu said. “It’ll all be under your terms.”
“I want to ask you something, though.”
“Hm?”
“Earlier, you asked if I could give myself permission to fall. The question is, when I do, will you catch me?”
Rintarou hated how vulnerable he sounded. Even if it was with his best friend, he would never get used to lowering his walls like this. Despite the nonchalant mask he always put on, he was scared of rejection like any other person. The last thing he needed was for Osamu to reject him too when he needed him most. Though, there was a voice in the back of Rintarou’s mind saying that he’d never do that. Never Osamu. Anyone else? Probably. But never Osamu.
And just like that, Osamu chuckled. He stepped forward before extending a hand out to Rintarou. Confused, Rintarou stretched out his hand. He let Osamu mold it so that his fingers formed a fist, save for his pinky. Understanding dawning on him, Rintarou held that position, heart fluttering when Osamu mirrored him and interlocked their pinkies.
“Always,” came Osamu’s soft voice. Rintarou was suddenly aware of how delicate, how loving, how thoughtful Osamu has always been with him, and couldn’t stop the small smile tugging on his cheeks. “I will always catch you. You don’t need to tell me twice.”