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Remembering Porchay right now it's like sparkling wine. It bubbled up from outside within himself, sweet like the white liquor and light on his mouth on hazy summer nights, shared under white covets and innocent kisses.
When he meet Porchay, he was eighteen and by a mere coincidence Kim had tagged along his brother downtown since he was visiting Porsche. He'd told he'd wait in the car but Kinn gave him this look so he must've wanted him to meet his new boyfriend.
It was love at first sight for him. Porchay was making breakfast and as he turned around to meet his eyes, Kim knew.
The air had been knocked out of his lungs but it was immediately replaced with the smell of flowers blooming in spring. Just seconds of his half smiled and doe eyes was enough to be embroided to his eyes and mind.
He didnt dare to speak a word to him that day.
The second time he met him, he said hello. Short, barely audible from the noise coming inside from Porsches party that Kinn had threw him. Porchay was outside, pacing back and forth.
"You waiting on someone?" he asked nonchalantly and the younger just shook his head
"Just a taxi home" the other was clunching his arms from the cold breeze, hugging himself closer
"I'll take you, you're gonna freeze to death" Porchay said inmediatly that he didn't had to do that. He just told him he would call his brother if he didn't let him so the younger complied obediently
That night he slowly drove Porchay home and even though they didn't share any words besides Thank you and Good night, Porchay the quiet and peaceful silence followed him around all week.
He got his number from Kinn but everytime he opened up the empty conversation anxiety creeped on his hands and wasn't able to do it.
But Porchay came to him first.
It was late on a Wednesday and the long week of work already weighted heavy on him and most of these days it felt like giving this life up. It made him wonder why he took all of these responsibilities, and if it was a blessing like his father had made sure to remind them everyday growing up, why did it feel like a burden?
His phone ringed twice before he annoyed picked up with a bitter Yes?
"Huh" the voice almost cracked "I'm sorry I thought this was Kim's—"
"No. Yes, Porchay it's me" he interrumped him, almost dropping the phone from reaching too quickly for it to the table "I'm sorry, is everything good?" Porchay sighed in relief
"No. I mean yes, but" he was breathing shakily "This is embarrassing but could you pick me up, please? There's no one else that can help me right now"
It took him one minute to hang up and drive to his school, probably running two red lights just to get to him. When he arrived Porchay had puffy red eyes and he carried a scaled model drenched in water.
As he walked to him waiting in the bus stop, something must have returned to his mind because as soon as he locked eyes with him, Porchay looked down with flushed cheeks swating harshly tears on his face.
"I'm so sorry, Porchay" he didn't want him to explain the situation, he didn't want to play dumb with Porchay and make him feel stupid or obvious. He just wished to make him feel okay. As he took seat next to him he felt he was all soaked up in water himself, droplets reflected neon from the night on his beautiful long lashes "You can say there was an hurricane there, too" he said pointing to the destroyed house and mushed cardboard trees.
Porchay looked at him and started laughing, too choked up to be real, and then Kim realized in some point he started crying through his laughter "It's—uh, for tomorrow" he said hucciping "I don't know wha‐ what to do" it was all it took for Porchay to start crying again but this time he was clunching the cardboard hard, almost unable to breath so he held him harder
"Just cry, Chay" as he removed the already helpless cardboard to the ground and from his hands, he kept saying words into his wet hair as he hugged him closer to his chest "Cry and let me help you, please"
Minutes after that the younger seemed to calm down and allowed him to take him to his car. That night he slept for two hours trying to help the younger glue his project together and even though the piece Porchay handed out wasn't his best it was something and he made sure to repay him by inviting him icecream that evening. He learned Porchay was on his first semester of Architecture and liked strawberry and milk ice cream and video games.
Being with Chay was like running through a field of fresh grass; the closest you can feel to the clouds in the sky, tingly and pure.
On a Tuesday night it got too late as they usually watched movies, the feel of the youngers arm and his hair on his leg was enough for him, he could never ask for more than this
"I should probably head out" but Porchay urged him to stay for the night and who was he to deny him from anything he could give him? So he stayed
That same day Porchay confessed he applied for a scholarship abroad and he was most likely getting it.
"I'm happy for you, Chay " as he rubbed his back he dared to plant a kiss on his forehead, a line he wouldn't had crossed any other night or any other occasion but Porchay was leaving and so was his heart with him "You deserve it"
He could feel it froze the younger in his spot but seconds after he was snuggling into his arms, whispering he was gonna miss him the most.
Next day he woke up cuddled next to Porchay and he mapped and memorized every indent in his face, every hair, a reddish pimple by his eyebrow and the way his lips parted open as he slept.
There was no doubt, he was going to love him forever. His skin his bones eventually, and by any reason, would turn to dust on the ground. All of him in ashes would remain unwavering in silence. Holding Porchay in his arms, however, is how he remains loud and immortal. Present in love and alive.
Four days later he receives a text from Porchay saying he got in and is moving out in two weeks.
It's not as hard as he thought it would be but it becomes real when he witness Porchay is saying goodbye to his brother and Porsche breaks down crying. Kinn holds him like he always does and he watches from behind, waiting for his turn.
Chay looks a bit younger and lost but maybe is the way the huge backpack on his back almost swallows his whole chest but Porchay is beautiful. Always breathtaking beautiful and so, so real to him.
As he hugs Porchay and buries his face on his neck, breathing in his lavender scent almost like home to him "I mis you already"
"It's just a year, I'll visit" Porchay replies and even among the noise from the airport crowd he can feel he's not fully sure. He doesn't want him to go. He knows he's a very selfish man to his family, to his job, to his things and once owned by him they will be until they don't.
"You know I love you, Chay" he says, locking eyes with him and carefully holding his chin with his hands.
"I–Of course" pink blush heats his face and theres a boyish hope in his eyes as he tries to avoid his gaze "Me too"
"No, no" Owning him, he does not desire. He loves his free smile, the rebel spirit full of innocence he carries is everything he aspires to have himself "I love you, Porchay" One can't cage a wild bird like you can't own the people you love
"So much, it's scary" he breathes out into his hair, feeling too embarrassed to look at him in the eyes
"Kim, please wait for me" His flight is being called in the airport speakers and behind them Porsche softly tells him he needs to get going "Please"
As he shakes his head he intertwines their hands together "You don't need to ask me" true to be told he planned too anyways, wasn't gonna be able to wake up everyday without him "I'm yours"
For the first time in his life, he's the one owned. Porchay owns him body and soul, didnt even took a touch. He wouldn't want anyone else, it's pointless. It needs to be Porchay because no one in this planet will ever understand what a true heart feels like. There's beauty on the way the younger grants a pure soul to everyone around him.
He plants a kiss on his cheek and fights the urge to chase after the sunlit shadow of Porchays back on the floor, his head and stomach falls to the floor. His hearts been ripped of his body but it's okay because Porchay will take good care of it.