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It’s been almost a month since Jaemin moved back into the dorm, and Jeno is still sleeping in Jaemin’s bed every night. On a surface level, Jaemin doesn’t mind at all. He loves the familiarity of having Jeno next to him and the comfort of his boyfriend’s steady breathing lulling him to sleep every night. More importantly, he knows Jeno relies on the reassurance of Jaemin’s presence too, that he needs the reminder that Jaemin is finally with him again, where he should have been all along.
And in all honesty, their bed-sharing would have been a perfectly acceptable arrangement if not for the fact that they’re both seventeen-year-old boys living in a dorm with beds that aren’t exactly built to accommodate two of them at once. As much as Jaemin enjoys falling asleep in Jeno’s arms, it’s a somewhat difficult endeavor when the space is as cramped as it is – and given the demanding nature of their schedules, excessive exhaustion due to restless sleep isn’t really something they can afford.
He hates that he has to tell Jeno that they can’t keep this up – even just imagining the strained smile on Jeno’s face as he tries to pretend that he doesn’t mind sleeping in his own bed from now on makes Jaemin’s heart hurt – but he knows that rationally, there’s no other option. So he steels himself and mentally prepares as much as he can for the unwanted conversation.
“Jeno-yah,” he says one night, when they’re tucked into bed and huddled together as tightly as possible so they both fit – their faces are so close that their noses are almost touching. He absently thinks that he could probably count Jeno’s eyelashes like this as he continues, “You know I like sleeping with you, right?”
Jeno blinks a few times. “What?” he finally asks, his cheeks turning slightly pink, and Jaemin belatedly realizes how else his words could be interpreted.
It’s silly, because they haven’t even taken that step together anyway, but his own face still heats up as he slaps Jeno’s arm lightly and hurriedly adds, “Not like that! I meant sharing a bed with you like this.”
“Oh,” Jeno says, still sounding a little flustered. “Well, yes, of course I know that.” He raises an eyebrow. “Why does it sound like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
Jaemin sighs – it’s no surprise that Jeno knows him too well to not suspect something is up. “It’s just,” he says carefully, “as nice as it is to have you with me, we both know we haven’t been getting the most restful sleep lately, and, well, our schedules are only going to get more intense once we start our NCT 2018 promotions –”
Jeno, of course, figures it out immediately. “We need to stop,” he says, and he already sounds resigned, which is exactly the reaction Jaemin knew he would have and didn’t want to see.
“I don’t want to,” Jaemin says beseechingly. “I wish we could share a bed forever. But...we’ll be even busier soon, once we’re with everyone.”
“And we need to be at our best,” Jeno finishes. “I know, Nana. I know you don’t want to stop.” He sighs heavily, looking glum. “And I know we have to anyway.”
“I’m sorry,” Jaemin says, closing his eyes so he doesn’t have to see Jeno’s morose expression.
He feels Jeno’s thumb stroking his cheek tenderly and leans into the touch automatically. “Don’t apologize for something that you aren’t to blame for,” Jeno says softly. “It isn’t your fault that I – I need to be next to you so badly.”
“Why?” Jaemin asks, opening his eyes again to meet Jeno’s gaze. It’s a question he’s had for a while, because sometimes, it feels like more than just Jeno being relieved that his boyfriend isn’t injured anymore. “Why do you need it so much?”
Jeno is silent for a few moments. “I wasn’t allowed inside during family-only hours,” he finally says.
“Huh?” Jaemin asks, confused by the non-sequitur.
“When you were in the hospital,” Jeno says quietly. “There were times when only family members were allowed to see you, do you remember?”
Jaemin does, because he had pleaded more than once with his mother and the doctor and whoever else he could possibly try to convince in repeatedly unsuccessful attempts to have an exception made for Jeno. “Yeah,” he says weakly. “I remember.”
“It was torture,” Jeno whispers. “I just wanted to be with you, and I couldn’t. And now that you’re back, i-it’s like...I don’t think I could handle not being with you again.”
Jaemin swallows, his throat suddenly dry. “What...what do you mean?”
Jeno holds his gaze, his expression too serious for someone who’s only just about to turn eighteen. “I mean, I think I actually can’t live without you anymore, Jaemin-ah,” he says. “If something ever happens again and I’m not allowed to be with you for every second of it, I won’t be able to cope with it.”
It should be scary, Jaemin thinks, to hear a confession like that. But he’s pretty sure he won’t be able to cope with being away from Jeno anymore either, so it isn’t scary so much as it is nerve-wracking to know that they share the same overwhelmingly intense feelings.
Suddenly, nothing feels more important than reassuring Jeno that he isn’t alone in this. “I won’t either,” he says in a rush. “Be able to cope with it, I mean.” He flushes slightly as he continues, “My mom said I would call for you in my sleep sometimes. The others, too, occasionally, but...but mostly you.”
Jeno squeezes his hand tightly and leans in to kiss his cheek. His eyes are sad as he draws away again. “I wish I could have been there more,” he says, and Jaemin can hear the familiar guilt creeping into his voice, the lingering misplaced self-reproach Jeno feels, both because Jaemin missed out on a year of Dream’s career that he can never get back and because said career is part of the reason Jeno couldn’t always be there for him in the first place.
It’s a conversation they’ve already tried to navigate many times, one that Jaemin doesn’t want to rehash tonight. So instead of attempting to reassure Jeno that none of it was his fault – because it wasn’t, and Jaemin will make sure Jeno understands that someday – Jaemin just squeezes Jeno’s hand in return and presses a gentle kiss to his lips. “You’re here now,” he says, holding Jeno’s gaze and silently willing him to let it go, at least for tonight.
“I’m here now,” Jeno repeats, “and so are you.” To Jaemin’s relief, fondness replaces the faintly haunted look in Jeno’s eyes as he offers Jaemin a small but genuine smile. “I just hope it’ll be able to stay that way if anything happens again.”
“Well, let’s hope nothing happens,” Jaemin says, smiling wryly. “I guess we won’t really be able to do anything about it either way until we get married. But when we do, we’ll never have to worry about not being allowed to stay together ever again.” He doesn’t notice that he says it like it’s an inevitability, a forgone conclusion, the only direction their paths could possibly lead them in – but even if he had, he would have stood by it.
“Wait,” Jeno says, suddenly sitting up and staring at Jaemin like he’s just been struck by a profound realization. “That’s it.”
“What?” Jaemin asks, bewildered by Jeno’s unexpected burst of energy. “What’s it?”
“Marriage,” Jeno says, his excitement growing – but unfortunately, as endearing as it is, his enthusiasm doesn’t help clear anything up. “We, we could – we should, actually.”
Jaemin sits up too and cups Jeno’s face in his hands, trying to calm him down. “Jeno-yah,” he says, “what are you talking about?”
Jeno’s eyes shine as he gazes intently at Jaemin. “What if we make sure that we have to be recognized as family, make sure that we belong to each other no matter what? What if we get married, Jaemin-ah?”
“What...” Jaemin’s heart rate spikes as he gapes at Jeno, his hands falling limply to his sides. “Are – are you proposing right now?”
“I mean,” Jeno says, his expression turning bashful as his cheeks flush pink, “technically it isn’t an actual proposal, it’s more like...I don’t know, it’s kind of like, a suggestion, I guess? I already know I want to marry you eventually, and, well, I hope you want that too, so...if we both want it, why wait?”
Jaemin continues staring at him, still in a state of shock. “You seriously – I mean, you – you’re that sure of this? Of me? That you would be ready to – to marry me so soon?” Truthfully, Jaemin knows that he’ll readily say yes if Jeno is really asking, and it shouldn’t be particularly surprising that Jeno feels just as secure in their relationship, but there’s something surreal about being confronted with proof of it.
Jeno pulls Jaemin close and kisses him, and it’s just a sweet press of their lips together, but the intention behind it leaves Jaemin breathless. “I love you,” Jeno says simply, his arms wrapped around Jaemin in a loose embrace. “I love you more than anything, Nana. I would marry you today, right now, if you wanted it.”
“Jeno,” Jaemin whispers, suddenly feeling like he might cry. “I love you so much. Of course I want that. To...to be yours, officially, forever.” He reaches out and takes Jeno’s hand. “I would be happy to spend my life with you. I-I just don’t want it to be something that – that you might think of as a mistake when we get older.”
“It won’t be,” Jeno says without hesitation. His expression is earnest as he laces their fingers together and brings Jaemin’s hand up to kiss his knuckles softly. “If I had any doubts or was uncertain about this, I wouldn’t have suggested it. But I really want it, and I know that if you want it too, I’ll never regret it.”
“Okay,” Jaemin says, meeting Jeno’s eyes sincerely. “I know that I won’t regret it either. So – so let’s do it.”
A breathtaking smile blossoms on Jeno’s face. “Yeah?” he asks, sounding very dazed. “You mean it?”
“As much as you do,” Jaemin says, his heart racing as he returns the smile and punctuates his words with a kiss for good measure. “Let’s get married, Jeno-yah.”
Jeno kisses back like Jaemin has given him everything he’s ever wanted – and maybe Jaemin has, because Jeno has certainly done the same for him. They giddily make plans that involve buying rings and telling the members they’re closest to and taking advantage of their upcoming trip to LA before falling asleep in each other’s arms. And they sleep soundly, dreaming of the bright future ahead.
(Three days later, Jaemin finds himself being tugged along by a very eager Jeno to the fourth floor of the SM building in Cheongdam-dong, and he has his suspicions about why they’re going there, but it doesn’t keep his heart from fluttering wildly in anticipation.
Sure enough, once they’re inside the practice room where they met, Jeno sinks down onto one knee and gazes up at Jaemin like he’s never seen anything more wonderful in his life. “Na Jaemin,” he starts, his voice already a little shaky, his hand trembling as he holds up a delicate silver ring, and that’s all it takes for tears to start welling up in Jaemin’s eyes. “When we met here all those years ago, I never could have imagined that you would become the most important person in my life. But you did, and every day we’ve spent together since then has only made me absolutely sure that I want to stay by your side for as long as you want me to. Forever, if you’ll let me. Because you’re my best friend and my favorite person and I love you.”
His smile is nervous but brilliant as he takes Jaemin’s hand in his own, and it’s all Jaemin can do to cling tightly to it, holding on like Jeno might disappear if he doesn’t. But of course, Jeno isn’t going anywhere, and his eyes are full of determination as he presses on. “I know we’re still really young, and maybe it’s crazy to even think about doing this now, but – but I know that I’m sure of you. I know I never want to be apart from you again, and I know there’s never going to be anyone else, so...I’m taking a leap of faith and doing what my heart says I should. And my heart wants you to be my husband, Jaemin-ah. So I’m asking you with all the love I have, with everything I am: will you marry me?”
And they both already know what Jaemin’s answer was always going to be, but Jaemin is giddy and breathless as he says, “Yes, Jeno, yes, of course I will.” The kiss Jaemin pulls Jeno into after he slides the ring onto Jaemin’s finger is feverish and fierce and more intense than any other they’ve shared before. “I love you,” he whispers against Jeno’s lips, reluctant to part for more than a few seconds. He cups Jeno’s face in his hands, acutely aware of the metal band nestled on his ring finger as he presses sweet kisses to Jeno’s mouth over and over. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Jeno wraps his arms tightly around Jaemin’s waist and peppers kisses on every inch of Jaemin’s face that he can reach in return, and when he draws away to catch his breath, his smile is the most beautiful thing Jaemin has ever seen. “I love you too,” he murmurs, looking as infatuated as Jaemin feels. “I can’t wait to be married to you.”
“Neither can I,” Jaemin says, and they both collapse into elated giggles before sealing their lips together in another kiss. And Jaemin knows then that no matter how young they may be, no matter how crazy it is for them to be engaged at this point in their lives, there’s no way it’s a mistake. Because in the arms of his fiancé – his future husband – he’s the happiest he’s ever been.)