Archive of Our Own

Akutagawa was lying on his side, leaning against Dazai with his arm loosely around him, body relaxed in a calm sleep. Dazai on the other hand was rather tense as he dared not move a muscle ever since he noticed Akutagawa had fallen asleep afraid to wake up his sleep deprived idol, hoping that perhaps he'd finally get a good rest and not just a measly hour or two of something that could barely even classify as sleep. Despite that tenseness, Dazai still could feel himself dozing of too.

It was then, as he was about to fall asleep, that he first felt his body notifying him that he needed to relieve his bladder. Annoying as the pressure was, it was not unmanageable yet and he could easily ignore it. He had not much of a choice - waking up Akutagawa who so desperately needed his rest for such a trivial matter was unthinkable. Plus, it wasn't that bad, and he was an adult, he could hold it until morning. 

And at first it was easy - he ignored his need and even managed to fall asleep. How long he slept was unknown but soon enough his bladder begun to pressure him stronger, and he found it nearly impossible to continue sleeping. 

As he was trying to stubbornly push through it still, he felt the first drops escape him which immediately startled him awake. Forgetting for a moment the reason why he was in this predicament in the first place he made a sudden movement to grab himself in order to help prevent further leaks. Of course, he instantly regretted doing so and frantically looked up at Akutagawa.

Luckily, Akutagawa did not seem to have felt the movement. Dazai had no idea which would have been worse - waking him up or the fact that he just so indiscreetly grabbed himself in the presence of the other. Once he got it under control he slowly returned to his previous pose and tried to plan a way of getting out of bed without waking up the man next to him. 

Since he was sleeping on the inner side of the bed, next to the wall, rolling off was not an option and regardless of what he could come up nothing seemed to be a good strategy. Whatever plan he could come up, however, he did not act quick enough on as Akutagawa twisted in his sleep and with a drowsy, unintelligible sound pulled Dazai closer to himself. Not only his arm but his whole body now rested upon the smaller one. 

In his mind Dazai cursed his weak bladder. Grabbing himself was impossible now and he could only rely on his strength to keep its contents inside it. It was impossible to sleep in such condition and the only solution he could find was to give up - he tried his best, but he had to wake up Akutagawa. 

It was either that or... He did not even what to think of the other option. Wetting himself like a little kid, not only in front of his idol but in HIS bed on top of that... Death seemed like a far more favourable fate than such a humiliation. So, he admitted defeat as the less shameful of two bad situations but when he tried to speak out Akutagawa's name, he found his voice weak and barely audible. Of course, the sleeping one did not hear him. 

Now with tears in his eyes, Dazai tried to pull himself away from Akutagawa's grip, but it was a terrible idea. His bladder spasmed so badly he lost whatever control he had. A stream he could no longer stop escaped him and as he felt the bottom of his underwear and sleepwear slowly get damp and hot, he desperately tried to regain control, no longer caring if he was grabbing his private parts in Akutagawa's presence. But nothing was of help - it was all over. 

Dazai wept audibly, feeling the urine soak the bedsheet bellow him. Having disregard keeping Akutagawa asleep as it did not matter anymore, in a desperate attempt to regain control and prevent further damage he had sat up, but it only served to add further pressure on his bladder. He did not feel when the stream ended, all of his urine now soaking his clothes and the bed, slowly turning warm to cool, he did not even care - the worst-case scenario had just turned into reality. 

Akutagawa was awoken when Dazai moved so suddenly to sit up. Still drowsy, he thought he'd brush it off and go back to sleep but then he heard the crying and instantly knew he could not ignore this.

"Dazai?" He called out as he sat up too but just to receive no other answer than the incessant crying. 

Here it comes... Akutagawa was bound to hate him now... As soon as he finds out what happened which is only a matter of seconds, he'd think him gross and disgusting, never look at him again. Well, it was unbelievable enough he spoke to him even before all this but now... That was the end. These were the thoughts that kept running through Dazai's head - now barely breathing from his tears. 

He did not even feel the hand on his shoulder shaking him nor did he hear Akutagawa's voice asking him what's wrong. For a brief moment the world faded but then suddenly, a cold liquid was splashed into his face which brought his senses back. 

"It's okay... it's just me... I'm here..." The familiar voice of the person he admired like no other. Akutagawa was holding him gently, an expression of worry all over his face. 

When Dazai's breathing normalized, Akutagawa sat in front of him holding his hand and stroking his wet from a mixture of water and sweat hair. 

"What happened? Did you have a nightmare?" The taller asked and in fear of Dazai relapsing added "It's okay now, you can tell me anything."

It was a chance to escape perhaps. All it took was for him to lie and say he had a horrible dream and maybe he would be forgiven ... But even if that was truly what happened, nothing felt like an acceptable excuse. At that moment Dazai felt as if he could break down again but looking at Akutagawa's anxious expression, he realized he had no such right. And he had even less of a right to lie. He had to tell the truth and let his beloved's worry over his wellbeing inevitably turn into a disgust... Then he could die all by himself without dragging him into it as well.

"I... I tried but..." Dazai stuttered. "I didn't want to wake you up... But I really had to go... And I thought it will be alright... And I could just hold it... b-but... I'm sorry." 

Akutagawa was confused at first and did not quite understand the meaning behind it. Dazai still had the blanket loosely over himself and in the panic of the situation he had not even noticed the odour or the wet bottom sheet. 

"Is this what upset you so much?" Akutagawa asked upon grasping the situation.

"...you... I'll leave now and... you have every right to be grossed out by me-" Dazai's words were interrupted. To his shock, Akutagawa pulled his body closer to his own in a tight hug. 

"You can never do anything that would put me off you." Akutagawa's tone was now somehow harsher yet filled with so much affection. "Never, even if you tried. You'll always be my one special, most important one... The one I love..." 

It seemed like Dazai was not done crying for the night as once again tears ran down his face which startled Akutagawa at first. But these were not tears of sadness nor fear. These were tears of gratitude... of love. This man, he always insisted that he was no more than ordinary, not even worthy of praise, yet here he was - proving to Dazai for the countless time that he was a saint. 

That night Dazai had never been more thankful that the rooms each had a private bathroom. Akutagawa let him use the bathroom in his room which saved him having to walk down the hallway and risking meeting anyone else. Akutagawa went to get him a change of clothes (Dazai trusted he would not say a thing about the accident if he happened to run into anyone, which did not happen as it was way past midnight, and the hallways were deserted). He must have taken a while in the shower, or maybe Akutagawa was just so quick, but when he came out the bed was made with a clean set of sheets. The mattress has survived thanks to the protective sheet which all of their beds had but the rest of the bedding was not so lucky and had to be washed - something to worry about tomorrow but now it was time to sleep.

As if for the first time at his idol's room, Dazai stood by the bathroom door and waited to be called further which Akutagawa did so he awkwardly made his way to the bed and finally could rest calmly and comfortably. He still could barely believe what happened that night, and indeed had his doubts that Akutagawa was not showing his true feelings to spare his own but all of it was quickly pushed away and Dazai's mind was put to rest - he cared so much for him, and it showed with every of his action. That cannot be faked.