Chapter Text
When I showed up and he was there
I tried my best to grin and bear
And took the stairs but didn’t stop at the street
And as we speak, I’m going down
‘Cause she spread her love and burned me up
I can’t let go
I can’t get out
I’ve said enough, enough by now
I can’t let go
I can’t get out
Think twice ‘fore you touch my girl
Come around, I’ll let ya feel the burn
Think twice ‘fore you touch my girl
Come around, come around, no more!
-“Think Twice” by Eve 6
“Have I told you how much I love you lately?”
The burly soldier whom you’d just wrapped your arms around from behind let out a soft snort. “What do you want, girlie?”
“Nothing,” you lied in your most innocent tone, squeezing him. “I just want you to know that I love you.”
Sergeant James “Bucky” Barnes peered at you over his shoulder, his mouth half-full of peanut-butter and jelly on brioche. “I repeat: what do you want, girlie?”
You heaved a sigh and hopped up on the island counter beside his meal. “Fine, fine, no use in buttering you up. It never works.”
“Depends on the butter,” he said smoothly.
“I’m being dragged to a SHIELD Christmas party and I can bring a plus one and I need you to go with me.”
Bucky stared. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”
You groaned. “Come on, Buck, don’t do this to me! Don’t leave me there alone! I need you.”
“You need a reality check,” he mused. “I’m not known for my Christmas spirit.”
“But that’s why I need you. The forced merriment and awkward present exchange and insufferable ice breaker activities—I’ll go nuts if I have to put up with it by myself. At least with you, then I’d have someone to complain with.”
“And I should just subject myself to an evening of torture just so you have someone to complain to? You’re off your rocker something serious, girlie.”
You lifted a hand. “I solemnly swear I will do anything you want to repay you for going with me.”
A rather wolfish grin found its way onto his lips. “I don’t think you wanna do that, baby doll. I have one hell of an imagination, you know.”
You rolled your eyes. “Oh, stop, you insufferable flirt. You know what I meant.”
“Sorry, sweetheart. I’m not exactly a very social guy.”
“Bucky,” you whined, looping your arms around his neck and pouting as adorably as you could manage. “Please?”
“No.”
“Pretty please?”
“No.”
“Pretty please with sugar on top?”
“No.”
“Oh, come on, you grumpy old Mister Scrooge. Have a heart. You know I’d do it for you.”
“It’s not my fault you’re a sucker for a sob story.”
“Name your price. There’s got to be something you want me to do.”
He continued eating the sandwich, eyeing you as he chewed thoughtfully. “Take your shirt off.”
You reached for the hem, but he laughed and caught your wrists before the shirt got past your navel. “Jesus Christ, girlie, I was kidding. You’re really that desperate, huh?”
“I am hopeless,” you told him seriously. “Please save me. I beg you.”
Finally, Bucky heaved a sigh. “One hour. I will go with you for exactly one hour and there had better be alcohol or you’re gonna get it.”
“Yes!” You peppered his cheeks with little happy kisses. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Dunno why I spoil you so much.”
“Because you love me,” you said in a lilting tone, rubbing your noses together briefly. “So what do you want me to do in return for this favor?”
Bucky smirked, then took his phone out of his pocket. He scrolled and tapped for a bit and then flipped the phone around for you to see. “You’re gonna wear this to the Christmas party.”
You groaned. “Aw, come on!”
“You said anything.”
“I hate you.”
“I know.”
“Ugh, fine, order it, you slave driver.”
He grinned and tapped the Buy button. “Hey, if I’ve gotta put up with a work Christmas party, then I deserve to have some nice arm candy.”
“Is that all you think about, Barnes? Am I nothing more than a sexual object to you?”
He arched an eyebrow. “I’m sorry—remind me what happened that time I answered the door in a towel?”
You blushed. He just had to bring that up. You’d stopped by his place unexpectedly to borrow some equipment for a mission and he’d answered the door in just a towel, which promptly caused you to drop your Frappuccino and spill it all over his welcome mat. “That’s different.”
“Uh-huh. Tell me, what color is the sky in Denial Land where you live?”
You rolled your eyes again. “Same color as it is in your version of Denial Land. Don’t forget you just asked me to take off my shirt.”
“I was kidding.”
“Were you, though?”
His smirk widened as he leaned in dangerously close, his wintry eyes glancing at your lips. “I dunno. Was I?”
He brought the last bite of sandwich up to your mouth. You stared at him coolly and allowed him to feed it to you, never breaking his gaze the entire time. You were no stranger to staring contests and thinly veiled flirting. It was sort of an unspoken game between the two of you. You enjoyed it just as much as he did since it was harmless fun and you enjoyed the witty banter since you were between boyfriends at the moment.
Satisfied, he scooped you up off the counter and then tossed the paper plate in the trash, handing you his glass of milk. “So are we expected to bring presents to this shindig or what?”
“Yeah, one from each of us. Need help picking something?”
“Not really. Probably just gonna do a gift card; everyone can always use some extra cash around this time of the year.”
“Smart.” You put the now empty glass in the sink. “What are you gonna do on Christmas Day?”
“Probably swing by and see Steve. Planning on keeping it lowkey this year. What about you?”
“Family dinner. I’ll get there in the afternoon to help cook.” You nibbled your lip. “Y’know, you could swing by if you wanted a free home cooked meal.”
Bucky glanced at you, surprised. “That wouldn’t freak them out?”
“Oh, sure, the kiddos would go nuts, but I actually think my folks and extended family would get along great with you. And there’s no pressure. I just thought I’d offer.”
He offered you a bit of a shy smile. “Thank you for offering. I’ll think about it. I just don’t wanna crash the party, so to speak.”
“Oh, please. The more, the merrier. You wouldn’t be crashing the party; they love meeting my friends.”
“So now I’m your friend and not ‘that guy at work who bugs you a lot’? Funny how things change.”
“Ah, shaddup,” you said good-naturedly, crossing your arms and propping them on his chest. “You totally love me and you know it.”
“Mm-hmm,” he deadpanned as he linked his fingers over the small of your back. “Wonder what I love most: you stealing all my most comfortable t-shirts or boggarting the blanket when we’re watching Netflix.”
“Uh-huh. And yet I’m the only person who knows you love it when someone runs their hands through your hair.”
He actually blushed. “What? It feels nice. It’s not like that makes me a weirdo.”
“It doesn’t. I actually think it’s very endearing. I know you’re usually regarded as the big bad White Wolf, but I don’t think that’s how you really are.”
“Yeah? How am I really?”
You smiled. “Wolves protect their own and mate for life. They’re strong and smart, good at working together, ferocious on the outside but actually sociable in private. I think you are the White Wolf, just not the big bad White Wolf.”
“Wow,” he murmured. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. What else do you want?”
You flicked him in the ear. “And moment’s ruined, congrats. Come on. I need to catch up on Stranger Things.”
“Do I really have to wear this goddamn monstrosity to this Christmas party?”
“Yep,” Bucky called back through the door. “That was the deal, remember?”
“Asshole,” You muttered as you finished zipping up your black boots and then stomped over to the full-length mirror. Bucky’s “payment” for the favor had exacted a terrible price. You were wearing a cutesy “Santa Baby” type of affair—a red velvet dress that was form fitting and left your shoulders bare, with white trim on the top and bottom and the sleeves. Your legs admittedly looked awesome in the outfit, gleaming and smooth and appealing. But it was still humiliating.
You sighed as you pulled on the matching Santa hat and snatched up your purse before opening the door to your bedroom. Bucky was waiting in the hallway, one hand in the pocket of his black suit pants, the other tapping away at his cell phone. He’d decided to match colors with you, with a scarlet dress shirt, black tie, and all black suit completely with polished dress shoes. He had a pocket square with a little Santa cartoon on it that Sam had bought for him.
He glanced up when he heard you exit the room, then whistled and smirked. “Look at you.”
“Ho-ho-fucking-ho,” you growled as you stomped past him for the coat closet. “Are you happy now?”
“Mm-hmm. Don’t know why you’re so Grinch-y. You look amazing.”
“I look like a ho-ho-ho,” you groused. “Isn’t that the point?”
“You do not,” he insisted as he took the coat and held it out for you to put on. “You look cute and…festive.”
“Whatever. Let’s get this over with.” You moved for the door, but he caught your wrist.
“Hey, hey,” he said softly. “I’m just messin’ with you, girlie. If it’s gonna upset you, then don’t wear it. I’ll let you off the hook for the favor, I swear.”
You sighed. “Oh, stuff it, Barnes. You know I like to complain. I’m a grouchy old miser just like you are. It’s fine. I’m sure the other SHIELD agents will get a kick out of it.”
“Yeah, that’s the only thing I’m worried about,” he admitted as he opened the door for you. “Once they get into the drinks, some of those guys are going to act like idiots when they see you.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ll just sharpen a candy cane until I have a lethal weapon.”
Bucky snorted as you locked the door. “You got me with you, baby doll. Trust me, you already have a lethal weapon.”
You grinned, looping your arm through his as you walked towards the curb. “And Lethal Weapon is a Christmas movie, so it’s all perfectly full circle.”
He chuckled as he hit the key fob on his GTO. “Whatever you say, babe.”
You drove to the SHIELD administrative building and parked in the garage before taking an elevator up to one of the upper floors. The party would be held on the recreational floor so no one would have to worry about messing up anyone’s work space. It was already in full swing when you and Bucky arrived on the scene. Christmas music cheerily rang through the hallway as the two of you exited the elevator to find most of your SHIELD coworkers chugging eggnog and gathering in groups for the different activities.
“Oh my God, you made it!” one of your fellow field agents, Yumiko, squealed, racing over and hugging you. “And you look so cute! Is this a couples thing you’ve got going on?”
You nearly facepalmed. “Jesus, woman. Ten seconds and you already said something embarrassing. How much eggnog have you had?”
“Just a cup or two,” she insisted after taking a sip. “Sorry, didn’t mean it. How are you, Bucky?”
“Just fine, thanks.”
“Here.” She handed you both cups of eggnog and then pointed to the different stations. “There’s a gingerbread house competition, craps, poker, Pictionary, beer pong, karaoke, and then various drinking games. Food’s over there against the wall at the buffet table. You can put your coats over by the loveseat. They’ve got Christmas movies queued up over by the flat screens too. You can drop off your gifts by the Christmas tree in the center there. Have at it!”
“Thanks, Yumiko.”
“Oh, and, uh—” She nodded to one side and you leaned in to hear her whisper. “Tyler from accounting has been asking about you. I wasn’t sure what to tell him since I know you and Bucky are—”
“—just friends, for the seven-hundredth time,” you said, narrowing your eyes at her and keeping your voice down so he couldn’t hear you. “Thanks for the warning.”
She held her hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright, I was just saying. I’m gonna hit the craps table, but I’ll be back around in a bit. Enjoy!”
“We will, thanks.” She scurried off while you took off your coat and then took it over to the coat pile, then set your presents under the tree. Elf was currently playing on the big flat screen and a couple of SHIELD agents were cuddled up watching it and eating popcorn. You told Bucky you two ought to make rounds and say hi to everyone before deciding what you’d want to do for the evening. After you finished greeting everyone, you grabbed some finger foods from the buffet table and tucked in, watching the current game of Pictionary with interest.
Yumiko had been right; you noticed Tyler throwing looks at you frequently while you ate and chatted with some of your coworkers and Bucky. To be honest, he wasn’t bad looking by any stretch: tall, square chin, nice hair, wearing a navy suit with festive suspenders and an ugly Christmas tie. You’d bumped into him a few times in the copy room, but you didn’t know him all that well. Something about him made you hesitant and you weren’t sure what it was; maybe it was just that the staring threw you off. After all, you didn’t consider yourself much to look at, just generally attractive.
“Well, we’ve got another forty-five minutes to go,” Bucky said after glancing at his watch. “What did you have in mind, girlie?”
“Are you any good at poker?”
Bucky grinned. “Kicked Sam’s ass a hundred times and counting.”
“Perfect. Let’s go.” You led him over to the table and he joined the next round. It was actually pretty interesting watching him since he had perfected an expressionless look during the game. You knew him well enough to notice subtle changes in his features as the game continued, but you could tell he was pretty much inscrutable to the other players.
“Wow. He’s pretty good, isn’t he?”
You glanced aside to see Tyler there, smiling and nodding towards Bucky. You smiled back. “He is, yeah. I’ll have to have him teach me someday. For whatever reason, the rules never stick in my head. You should’ve seen me trying to watch Casino Royale; I was completely lost the entire time.”
Tyler chuckled. “Yeah, bad luck on that front. Half the movie is about the poker game.”
“Yeah. As ironic as it is, Bond movies aren’t really my thing. Maybe because I am a spy in real life, not sure. I’m more of a Die Hard gal myself.”
“Solid choice. John McClane’s pretty badass and it’s a Christmas movie.”
“Best Christmas movie other than the original How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Nightmare Before Christmas, if you ask me.”
Speaking of nightmares, though, you noticed Bucky’s countenance did change from inscrutable to stormy and you had no idea why. Nobody in the game had said anything that would upset him, to your knowledge. Maybe it was just the idle chatter getting to him. Fortunately, the game ended just a few minutes later and he won a $50 gift card.
“Good game, Barnes,” Tyler said. “You’ve got one helluva poker face.”
“Thanks,” he said, slipping the gift card into your purse. “Do I know you?”
“Oh, uh, no, I work in accounting,” he said sheepishly. “You’ve probably sent some expense reports to my desk, but that’s about it. I’m strictly a pencil pusher.”
“Right. How do you two know each other?”
“Bumped into each other in the copy room a few times.”
“I see. It’s Tyler, right? Copeland?”
“Yeah, that’s me, how’d you know?”
“Good with faces, that’s all.” Bucky slid his hand around your back, addressing you. “How ‘bout that gingerbread house competition? Feeling up for it?”
“An excuse to eat frosting and candy? Uh, yes please.” You waved to Tyler and headed over to the tables with all the ingredients laid out. Like magic, Bucky’s mood seemed to improve as the two of you discussed the schematics of the little house and how to get it to stay together. He worked on the actual gingerbread pieces while you piped in the frosting, delighted when you made a mess and could just lick the frosting off your fingers.
“You’re killing me, girlie,” Bucky groaned as he watched you suck the icing off your thumb. “Can you tone it down a little?”
“What?”
“It’s like I’m watching Cinemax After Dark.”
You choked on a laugh. “Bucky! I’m not even doing it on purpose.”
“I know, that’s what makes it worse. Don’t make me take that away from you.”
You giggled. “Wow. Who knew all it took to get your motor going was licking icing off my fingers? I’m definitely going to exploit that fact from now on.”
He shook his head at you. “You’re pure evil, I swear.”
“Whatever you say, White Wolf. Come here, I need your help with the roof now that it’s dry.”
Bucky walked over. “Hold this up.”
“Got it.” He stepped up behind you and held the walls of the gingerbread house steady. In doing so, it meant his chest and abdomen pressed into your spine and you almost gasped at the sensation. After all, it had been a while since you’d gone out with a guy. You were used to Bucky touching you—there was nothing odd or unfamiliar about it—but the intimacy of this particular moment had you covered in goosebumps as you tried to concentrate on placing the roof onto the gingerbread house.
“Done,” you said, hoping he couldn’t hear the squeak in your voice. “Thanks.”
Without thinking, you licked a bit of icing off your first finger. “You missed a spot.”
You glanced up as Bucky caught your arm and sucked the icing off your middle finger. You did squeak aloud that time, blushing up a storm. “Bucky!”
He grinned, those wintry eyes gleaming with mischief. “What? It’s good icing.”
You wiped your hands on a napkin this time, which made him chuckle. “Insufferable flirt.”
“Hey, you started it, baby doll.” The two of you finished decorating the outside and then wrote your names on a little card and left it by the other ones your coworkers had made. After that, the two of you played a round of beer pong, which you lost at horribly, but you did actually have fun despite losing.
You visited the restroom down the hall shortly afterward and then stopped in the mailroom as you remembered you’d forgotten to check it before you left on Friday.
“Enjoying yourself?”
You yipped and whirled around to see Tyler in the doorway, a beer in hand. “Oh, it’s you. Sorry, you scared me. Yeah, I’m having a good time. You?”
“Pretty good, yeah.” He took a sip as he walked inside. “Can I ask about you and Barnes?”
You blinked at him. “What about me and Barnes?”
He leaned against the nearby wall. “Are you guys going out?”
“No, we’re just friends.”
Tyler nodded, then reached out and caught your hand as you moved to leave. “Right, right. Listen, I’ve been meaning to ask you something—”
“Hey,” another voice came from the doorway, this one also familiar. Bucky had appeared like the Ghost of Christmas Future, looking rather foreboding and scary with the hallway light at his back. “You good?”
“Yeah,” you told him, brandishing the envelopes you’d gotten from your mailbox. “Just grabbing these.”
Tyler let out another nervous laugh as he let you go hastily. “Geez, Barnes, you sure can be quiet when you want to, huh?”
Bucky flashed him a wry smile. “Comes with the territory of being a spy.”
He stepped inside the mailroom and slid his arm around you. “Yumiko was looking for you.”
“Oh, okay. Catch you in a bit, Tyler.” You and Bucky left. You searched the rec room for Yumiko, but then Bucky caught your arm and guided you into the kitchen instead. There was no one in here and you could just faintly hear the noise from outside. “Something wrong?”
“Why’d you bring me here if you were just gonna schmooze with the weasel the whole time?” Bucky asked, tucking his hands in his pockets and fixing you with an intense stare.
“What?” You glanced at the door, befuddled until you realized he meant Tyler. “He’s not a weasel, Bucky, he’s just some guy I know. What’s the problem?”
“The way he looks at you is the problem.”
“He thinks I’m cute, so what? It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Yes, it does,” Bucky snapped. “Especially when the guy’s got a record.”
You froze. “What?”
“Tyler Copeland, age 32, three separate restraining orders against him from three different women in three different states. Changed his last name and moved here a year ago. This is part of his MO. He moves somewhere, picks a new victim, and starts stalking them.”
“How…” You licked your lips, frowning. “How do you know that?”
“You and I were eating lunch together a few weeks ago in the cafeteria and he wouldn’t stop staring, so I called in a favor for a background check.”
You crossed your arms. “So why didn’t you tell me that instead of pulling this territorial shit?”
Bucky’s eyes narrowed. “I thought you’d be smart enough to stay away from him.”
You stepped in close, your voice razor-edged. “Don’t you fucking talk to me like that. I’m not your daughter or your girlfriend. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to be my guard dog. All you had to do was tell me that this guy had a record and you felt uncomfortable with his attentions towards me, but instead, you insult my intelligence and act like you own me.”
He let out a low chuckle. “I know I don’t own you, sweetheart. If I did, you’d be over my knee right now.”
You glared. “Keep talking, Barnes. I’ll twist your fucking nuts off and put them in my purse.”
He snorted. “I’d like to see you try.”
“I don’t have time for your jealous bullshit right now.” You tried to step past him, but he blocked you.
"You think I like being like this?” he demanded. “Every time someone fucking touches you, I want to rip their hands off. You drive me crazy without even trying. Do you enjoy it? Making me suffer this way. Every time you touch me, I burn up inside. And I told myself not to say anything because you’re too good for me, because you deserve better, but I can’t keep pretending that I don’t want you anyway.”
“I’m not fucking telepathic, Bucky!” you snapped. “You could have told me a thousand times before tonight, but no. You wait until some other guy is pawing at me and now you’re all up in arms with righteous anger. That’s not how it works. You don’t get to brand me a whore and then think I’m going to just swoon when you tell me you want me.”
You stepped closer still, your voice tight. “Now get your fucking coat and take me home.”
The silence inside the car was deafening. You weren’t about to apologize or smooth it over. You couldn’t believe that he’d been pining for you this entire time and didn’t say anything about it until he got jealous of another man. You were fuming from the very idea, not because you didn’t reciprocate, but because you thought he had more sense than that. How could he even think you’d ever entertain a date with Tyler? You were just being nice. Maybe you were a little too nice, but it still didn’t excuse his alpha male bullshit.
Bucky set the parking brake once you arrived back to your place. A long sigh escaped him. “I’m sorry. I lost my temper. I just…I was seeing red when you were alone with him in that mailroom. I thought he was going to hurt you and I lashed out because I was trying to cover for being afraid. I don’t have an excuse. If you don’t want to see me again, I get it. I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have insulted you and I shouldn’t have acted like I have any say in what you do with other men when I was too chickenshit to tell you how I felt.”
“Do you really believe what you said?” you asked quietly, staring out of the window.
“Which part?” he grunted.
“That you think I’m too good for you. That I deserve better.”
“Yes.”
You exhaled through your nose. “You’re wrong. You’re an infuriating asshole, but you’re still wrong.”
You looked at him. “I don’t stick around just because it’s fun hanging out with someone famous. I’m your friend, Bucky. I care about you. You’re important to me. Maybe you are an alpha male jackass with shit timing, but you are not a bad person and you shouldn’t have held all that in instead of telling me the truth. I’m not a saint. I’m not a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. I’m a real person who sweats and bleeds and cries. I fuck up just as much as any other person, including you.”
He swallowed hard, his voice rough. “Then why do you stick around?”
“Because you’re worth it, Bucky. You always have been and you always will be. Even now, when I want to slap you so hard your teeth bleed.”
Bucky let out a little huff of a laugh. “I wouldn’t stop you if you did. I just ruined a perfectly good night out on the Friday before Christmas.”
“Flagellating yourself isn’t going to do either of us any good, so here’s what I’ll do instead—I’m giving you two options.”
Bucky arched an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
“Option A: you go home and think about what an asshole prick you’ve been, apologize a few hundred times, and maybe after a week or two, I’ll forgive you. Option B: we both risk it all by going inside and you spend the rest of the night making your shitty behavior up to me in the form of very rough sex, and I'll forgive you now.”
Bucky stared at you for a long moment. Perhaps he thought you were kidding or playing a cruel joke on him. He licked his lips and cleared his throat, his voice coming out coarse and weak.
“Option B, please.”
You smirked as you opened the car door. “Good choice, sergeant.”