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Joohyun was a very restrained person.
She learned from a very young age that feeling too much could be frightening to the people she presented her feelings to. Her body was a vessel to a wide range of emotions, none too soft or too aggressive, yet all very intense and assertive when they came out. At first, she spared no one of the truth of her feelings – anger would receive its justice and be acknowledged just as much as happiness, and her love would never be concealed.
However, loss after loss, heartbreak after heartbreak, Joohyun had had enough of losing. In her juvenile mind of only fifteen, it all traced back to the same place: her honesty of heart. The world was a place of mask and shadows, a place where mystery remained the norm when dealing with the other – the more you reveal, the weaker you make yourself. And the human society did not take their weak kindly. If the first spark of true humanity was to tend to their weak, humankind now strayed far from what made them different from most other animals. Either way, the world was too big, and she was too small.
And, just like that, her dreams and uniqueness were crushed mercilessly beneath the weight of rejection. Her truth gave way to omission, and she felt the flames in her chest dying down until she became an empty shell; clean, empty and waiting for the world to fill her with whatever it thought would fit better.
When Joohyun got to college at age twenty-three, she was nothing but a ghost of what she used to be. Every trace of her individuality had been erased by shame and a feeling of unfitness that tasted like defeat every time she thought about it too much. Still, after all the hard work to conceal what the world rejected, life still seemed to put her through trials and probations to prove that she could hide as much of her as she possibly could – and should, she thought.
Her flatmate at college made it all harder.
Seungwan was a bright young woman, always very lively and almost scarily amicable since the very day she met her. Her laugh was boisterous and free of guilt, and she acted in silly and gentle ways that made Joohyun wonder how the world hadn’t strangled her liveliness yet. She made lots of friends; smiled as if she had no worries to bother; loved baking and singing, both which she performed with perfection; she danced terribly and still she insisted on doing so because it made her feel light and nice. And if her talent with instrument chords wasn’t enough, she had tugged at Joohyun’s heartstrings without a clue, too.
At the first time Seungwan caught her hand in hers, Joohyun thought she would have a heart attack. It had been long since her heart had sung, and she knew what she had to do. When the heart sings too loudly, people run away. So, as soon as she could act without seeming unpolite, Joohyun brought her hand back close to her body, rubbing her palm as if to clean away the younger woman’s inviting warmth.
The spectre of Seungwan’s touch haunted her for weeks.
Still, as afraid as she was of the things Seungwan evoked within her, she felt drawn to her flatmate like a moth to light – mercilessly, knowing it would probably lead to her end, and yet, she felt as if there was no other way but that way. So, when Seungwan talked, Joohyun listened to it word by word, absorbed every sentence like the body did with poison. She was completely enthralled by Seungwan’s every word and thought, by her kindness of heart and her genuine happiness. The younger woman seemed to open herself entirely for Joohyun to see, and she was as terrified as she was amazed. It soon became her favorite thing: Listening to Seungwan talk was nicer than any time alone, and her voice sounded better than any music.
Once, when they sat side by side on Seungwan’s bed, the younger woman said, after a prolonged silence:
“You’re always so quiet. Even when I talk and talk nonstop. I hope I’m not bothering you,” she smiled coyly.
Joohyun’s eyes widened with sudden despair. She didn’t want Seungwan to think that she didn’t enjoy listening to her. She wanted nothing but to say how much she treasured the younger woman’s presence, her tales of life and her loud, beautiful laugh, yet the words seemed to curl inside her throat like a ball of prickly vines. The truth was always hurtful to her; truth made people scared. So, she watered it down the most she could, wishing for Seungwan to stay, always.
“I don’t mind listening,” and as she met Seungwan’s eyes, the brown shade that felt more like home more than her house ever did, she avoided her glance. Nothing like the sight of her feet to remind her that she will always be bound to earth and its cruel rules.
“I would enjoy listening to you, too,” Seungwan smiled, and her glance was so comforting and inviting that it felt like the closest thing Joohyun had gotten to a hug in a long time. Too long.
She swallowed heavily. “There’s nothing to be said. I’m as simple as you see. Nothing to see here.”
Her flatmate hummed thoughtfully.
“I believe there’s a lot to see in there. It’s hidden in the way you move; in the way you listen. I’d like to find it all out. To get to know you. But there’s no rush, though. I don’t mind waiting,” she smiled warmly, and Joohyun’s heart felt like it was going to burst from hearing those words, those impossible strings of words. And, when Seungwan put her hand over her upper arm and squeezed it affectionately, Joohyun felt scared and desperate, absolutely terrified at the hunger that awakened inside her for her soft touch and attention, for her tenderness. “I guess it’s my time to go to bed now. Thank you so much for being the best listener I could have. I hope that I can be the same to you, someday. But for now, I can only wish you goodnight. So… sweet dreams!”
Although Joohyun felt breathless, she pushed out the words, almost heaving; thankful that her voice had grown so low that her frightened heart couldn’t peek through it.
“Thank you. Rest well.”
That night, she went to sleep filled with guilt; guilty of having let Seungwan have any expectations of her being someone worthy of Seungwan’s time. She felt like there was nothing good for Seungwan to see in her, and where the ghost of her flatmate’s touch burned, she desperately tried to erase the feeling, forcefully shutting the gates of her personality which she had locked so fervently. Her feelings were screaming once more, and they were too strong and loud. She needed to be stronger – she couldn’t bear to see Seungwan run away, too.
As much as she tried to shut herself away, Seungwan only seemed to walk further towards her, to reach closer with her hand, beckoning her to come near. She asked Joohyun how her day had been, always, when they both got home; she offered her help, offered a bite of anything tasty she munched on, and to hang out with her friends, all which Joohyun desperately declined. However, whenever Seungwan asked her to accompany her to do things alone, like watching movies or doing things as simple as grocery shopping, Joohyun couldn’t bear to say no, not when her addiction to Seungwan’s presence only seemed to get worse and harder to fight.
One night, when they were watching a Ghibli movie together, Seungwan ever the casual movie commenter and Joohyun as quiet as usual, Seungwan suddenly chirped:
“Ghibli food seems so tasty, doesn’t it?” As she moved to look at Joohyun’s face, her knee bumped into Joohyun’s, though she did nothing to move it back. “It always seems so good. I feel like my mouth begins to water just by looking at it.”
“It’s drawn very prettily, yes,” she answered carelessly, her attention caught entirely by the feeling of Seungwan’s skin against hers. Her throat felt like it was closing, leaving her breathless. Just the sight of her lips, so close as they were, were making Joohyun feel like she was having a panic attack.
“What’s your favorite food?” Seungwan asked.
“I- I don’t really think about it too much. Anything will do.”
“Well, but there must be something you like a lot! More than other things,” she chuckled lightly, scoffing good-humouredly at Joohyun.
“I… I like tteokbokki, I guess,” her words came out even lower, as if something as simple as a food she likes was a big confession. Still, worries filled her entirely, twisting her insides with anxious questioning: Should I really have said that? Will she be disappointed by what I like and choose? Will she still want to spend time with me after she knows that about me?
Seungwan, however, only smiled brightly.
“I love tteokbokki! It’s always tasty and warm, it’s like it warms my soul!” And at Seungwan’s excited approval, Joohyun stopped holding her breath, feeling relieved to know that Seungwan wasn’t annoyed at her.
However, she almost froze completely as she felt Seungwan’s cheek against her shoulder, resting her head against her.
“Is this alright?”
“I- Uh- Isn’t- Isn’t it uncomfortable? I’m quite skinny and bony,” Joohyun mumbled; her neck stiff and turned towards the television, where she was adamant on keeping her eyes on. “Probably not… the best pillow.”
“It’s the best for me,” and at the tenderness in her voice, Joohyun felt her heart shaking violently with all the emotion, leaving cracks everywhere Seungwan’s light touched.
When the movie ended, Joohyun soon went to bed with a heart beating as loudly as it had when she had just felt Seungwan’s face against her, like her body was stuck in time, rewinding the memory of the younger woman’s touch like it was a necessity.
And in the following day, Seungwan prohibited her to go near the kitchen after breakfast, only allowing her to go there when she would say so. Joohyun promptly agreed, as she always did, and soon a delicious smell filled the house. Some time later, Seungwan knocked on her door.
“You can come in,” Joohyun answered in her usual voice tone, knowing Seungwan was well accustomed to her low volume and would hear her just fine.
When she opened the door, Joohyun swallowed heavily at the sight of a stylish dressed Seungwan, her look and makeup indicating that she would go out. She looked so pretty that it made Joohyun shiver.
“Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I’m heading out now to meet my friends at the café nearby.”
“Alright. Have fun,” Joohyun nodded, though her heart lamented it heavily – the house always felt like only a house when Seungwan was away, not like a home.
“Thank you!” Seungwan beamed at her. “Oh, and, by the way, you’re allowed back in the kitchen! I left a surprise for you on the dinning table. Wait for me to go out but don’t wait too long, either, alright? Or else it’ll get cold!”
“… Ok,” she nodded once more, though this time, with less certainty and a lot more confusion.
Joohyun waited for a bit after she heard the entrance door close, and she cautiously made her way to the living room, where their small wooden table awaited her. Seungwan made the effort to decorate it with her favorite tablecloth, beneath a pink bowl filled to the brim with the source of the delicious scent Joohyun had been smelling: the prettiest, most succulent-looking tteokbokki Joohyun had ever seen. Beside it, a card in Seungwan’s cute handwriting read:
I was so happy to get to know you a little more! I hope we can continue to share with each other and, one day, have even greater conversations :) Until then, I hope that this helps you feel more at home.
If Joohyun’s eyes were already burning with tears just by reading that, as soon as she tasted the meal, tears began welling down her face because of the delicious food, made just for her with so much care and tenderness. She cried and cried until she ate everything there was on the bowl, and something slowly, very slowly began to shift.
Maybe, just maybe, saying what she felt, liked and wanted wasn’t so bad, after all.
Some weeks after that and after a few, sprinkled details of her hidden self over casual conversations with Seungwan, the younger woman walked up to her with a present box as pretty as herself and an excited smile on her face.
“What’s this?” Joohyun eyed the box cluelessly but took it nonetheless as her flatmate almost shoved it in her hands.
“Open it and you’ll see!”
With furrowed eyebrows and mild concern, she undid the silky ribbon that held the box closed and lifted the square cover. Inside it, her gaze met folded lavender-colored cloth, which when lifted and unfolded, was revealed to be a simple baggy t-shirt.
“You know, we weren’t close yet when you last had your birthday by the beginning of the year. I never got you a present at the time, because I thought you wouldn’t like it. But now, I really wanted to. And I wanted to show you how much I enjoy listening to you, and that I always do so very attentively. So, when you told me your favorite color was purple the other day, I thought I should get you something purple, and seeing how you never seem like you feel happy wearing your black, white and grey clothes, I wanted to give you this.”
At that moment, it was as if Joohyun heard her walls crumbling down to the ground for the first time in years. Not entirely. Just enough for Seungwan to come in; to truly come in. She gave her a small, honest smile – she had forgotten how it felt, to be honest –, and said, with a shaky voice:
“Thank you. Really. This is the best gift I could’ve asked for.”
“No matter how belated?”
Joohyun chortled, swallowing back the lump in her throat. “No matter how belated.”
And when Seungwan hugged her, she was shocked. She froze in place at first. However, she slowly got accustomed to the embrace. Though she wanted to hug her back, she felt like she’d break Seungwan with all the force she would put in a hug if she let it all out at once, so Joohyun simply put her hand on Seungwan’s back, acknowledging the contact. She’d be able to hug her back some day, she just needed a little patience to do it in tiny, baby steps of progress. And she knew that Seungwan, as understanding as she had always been, would wait for as long as needed.
A month ahead, though she was still very awkward and very quiet, Joohyun got a lot better on how to deal with close contact, with how affectionate Seungwan had grown to be with her, with all the hugs and touches and handholds that seemed to come out of nowhere. She had also gotten better at talking – just a little more words than she used to, but a lot more than she’d say before. She was talking about herself to Seungwan, and Seungwan seemed eager to know, always giving her all the attention and showing interest in her little confessions of the simplest things.
But once, Seungwan sat beside her and said:
“Hey, Joohyun. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure. What is it?” The sudden sobriety in Seungwan’s voice made Joohyun worried.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’ve… been in love with someone for a while.”
“Oh.”
At that moment, Joohyun felt her heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. It wasn’t like she thought Seungwan could ever fall for someone like her. She was hard to deal with and she was grateful enough that the younger woman had always been patient enough to get to know her, but she wasn’t expecting to have to confront reality so soon. After all, Seungwan had a happy, lively life outside of their house, always meeting friends and, well, she even fell for someone along the way. And if that didn’t make her sad enough, anxiety began creeping up her skin as she began to think that having someone so close, someone worthy of Seungwan’s attention and absolute affection like that, could make Seungwan want to get away from her. Could make her realize that she would never fit in enough to be enough.
“She, and I hope that it’s alright with you that she’s a she, has always been a wonderful person, though her insecurities got the best of her for a long time. She’s been opening up to me a lot more recently, and, well,” she chuckled shyly, her cheeks coloring with a light flush of pink, “it only made me fall harder for her. Getting to know her has been the best experience I could’ve asked for. So, I wanted to know your opinion. Do you think I should tell her that I’m in love with her?”
Joohyun stared at her in silence for a few seconds, trying her best to blink away the tears that were forming in her eyes. It was, however, to no avail; they welled up in her eyes and began streaming down her face like a broken tap, a stream of feelings she had been holding for way too long.
“I’m happy that you’ve found someone you’re so fond of, Seungwan,” she tried to speak those words as happily as she could, but she couldn’t help the sobbing between every word. As Seungwan looked up at her with furrowed eyebrows in pity, she wanted nothing but to hide; so, she buried her face in her hands, making them wet with the ever-flowing tears. “But I- I’m- I’m so scared that you’ll no longer want to be near me if you have someone you’ll spend more time with. I’m not easy to deal with, I know. But I’ve been so much happier with you by my side. I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying, and I-”
Before she could finish, she felt Seungwan’s soft, warm hands covering hers, pulling them down to look at her. Though the younger woman’s eyebrows remained furrowed, she had a tiny smile on.
“Joohyun… I’d never want to grow apart from you. I want you to be beside me, always. And I know you don’t understand or, maybe, you just can’t believe it, but you make my days brighter. You’re not hard to deal with. You’ve only been scarred and needed someone beside you who could understand that. I do. And I’ve been the happiest to see you feeling better, these last few months. Getting to know you was the best thing I could’ve done since we began sharing this apartment.”
“So, you won’t go away? Even if that person you’re in love with is much nicer than I am?”
“Well, that’s just impossible,” she ran her thumb against Joohyun’s cheeks, rubbing away her tears. “You can’t really be nicer than your own self.”
“… What?” Joohyun blinked in confusion, eyebrows furrowed lightly.
Seungwan chortled, smiling sweetly. Her hand lingered on the older woman’s face, caressing her skin. “I’d never want to be apart from you because you’re the best company I could ask for, even if I did like somebody else. But the one I like… the one I like is you, Joohyun. I’m in love with you.”
Her eyes widened. “With me…?”
“You’re the one who I’ve been getting to know more and more recently, aren’t you? My favorite time is spent beside you. Your company is the most precious to me. You’re precious to me.”
“But… why me?”
“Because you’re you. And I adore you, just the way you are. I know you’re a lot more than you’ve been allowing yourself to be, and it’s okay. I know you’ll get there, and I’m excited to see you grow, to be there for you in this journey. I want to get to know the Joohyun I adore so much better each and every day into this journey.”
“… Do you really want to be with me?” Tears began falling down her face again, though she barely felt them as disbelief seemed to numb her from every feeling but the warmth of Seungwan’s hands on her face, the gentleness of her smile warming up Joohyun’s frozen heart. “Even though I’m… me?”
“It’s because you’re you that I want to be with you,” she answered tenderly. “Can I kiss you?”
“If… If that’s okay with you…”
Seungwan chuckled. “It’s more than okay with me.”
With Joohyun’s permission, she closed the distance between them and sealed their lips in a tender kiss. It was as if the kiss had allowed her to breathe properly for the first time in years, like Seungwan was air herself, and Joohyun pulled her closer with her arms around her neck. Though Joohyun had long forgotten how to properly kiss someone, she knew she could try as many times as she wanted until she got it right – after all, Seungwan had always been patient with her.
And traumas wouldn’t vanish in a day but, with Seungwan beside her, she finally began seeing that the problem was never her to begin with. Being honest and being herself had brought Seungwan and her together, so, maybe, being true to what she felt wasn’t a bad thing at all.
All Joohyun needed was someone to help her see that there was never anything wrong in being her.