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james is completely certain that holden is a volatile and violent maniac. he knows this from countless first hand experiences.
yet james can’t seem to stay away from him for long.
james likes to believe he is a good friend. he prides himself on being someone people could rely on for support. if his friends jumped off a bridge, james would follow them. if someone wrongs his people, he’ll go to the ends of the earth to get revenge.
this is why james keeps holden close. at least, part of the reason. holden can become confused and needs someone to hold his hand and bring him back. james knows he can be that person for holden, even if holden keeps biting him. and stabbing him. james has forgiven others for far worse than a little stabbing between friends.
the thing is, holden is lonely. james can see it plain as day. holden’s wife is still out to get him and most of the people in his life have ulterior motives or just do not understand him. james tries to be a good man, and he thinks he’s pretty good at it, but almost every time holden is around he ends up in cuffs. james doesn’t WANT to hurt anyone— not unless they deserve it, but holden seems to have an… effect on him.
the first time he noticed was during one particular run from the law.
there’d been a moment that james could’ve ran and hid, he could’ve come clean and told the cops that it was holden’s fault and not his own— but the second the idea popped into his head, holden turned to look at james with a wicked grin as he pressed hard on the gas and it all but flew from his mind.
it had ended with holden crashing the car before fleeing the scene, another shoulder injury, and a lecture from the cops on duty before being shipped off to parson’s for the next few weeks. but james couldn’t be mad at him for it because holden had looked almost beautiful.
sort of.
it was more of his… general vibe, honestly. he’s not much of a looker, that holden. maybe if james took off his glasses he could almost see it?
anyways.
after that, it did not take long to eventually begin to occasionally fall into bed with holden. most of the time it happens after a very close encounter, when holden is filled to the brim with adrenaline and can’t find a way to dispel it other than pressing a bruising kiss on james’s lips.
in those moments, james is happy to lend a hand. or a mouth. its a good distraction for a little while— he can pretend that holden isn’t completely crazy and at risk of imploding like an emotional time bomb at any moment.
then, once all is done, satisfaction is had, holden will leave james with his pants still down and james will feel dizzy with something unnamable. something terribly dangerous that blossoms in his chest whenever holden is near.
james knows he has a… certain reputation. and yes, a lot of that is because he gets too scared and panics, or simply from his own choices he made while entirely sound of mind— like shooting officer ohio and then leaving him inside of a burning car for insulting his sweet juno.
(that one was well deserved. james must defend juno’s honor and dignity because she cannot do it herself. after all, she does not have thumbs to hold a gun with.)
but he knows he’s well liked by most of the city. the burgershot employees smile whenever he comes to order his favorite meal, the cubans will defend him and stand with him whenever he needs them, the nurses and doctors at the ‘ospital treat him with such genuine kindness and always greet him like an old friend— even the officers of the law give him understanding nods and comforting pats on the back when he tells them how scared he is after they’ve just tazed and cuffed him.
but when it comes to holden, james often feels that it isn’t enough to just be liked by him. he feels like a pit forms in his stomach whenever holden talks of his wife (the damnable bitch) or any other partners he’s had. it’s not jealousy, no, but more like… yearning. a deep, bone-deep ache that only holden’s skin on his can soothe.
it makes him act out. he can feel himself become more volatile around holden just to get him amped up again, to get his old friend’s eyes sparking with energy. holden will only touch james they way he needs him to when they’re both high on the thrill of the chase, blood pumping and lungs burning.
james will do a lot of things in order to feel holden’s lips on his again, even if they end up trying to keep each other quiet while pressed against the corner of their shared cell at the police station awaiting their trial.
james knows holden is a bad influence. he’s known this since he met the man so many years ago. but the incessant longing for holden hasn’t left since the first time holden touched him, and so james won’t leave either. even if holden never touched him again, he would stay.
holden is the only balm that can turn the roar in james’s chest into only embers but always leaves him hungry for more.