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Beatrice stood in front of the door, her heart hammering in her chest, her lungs tight. The last time she had been here, Ava had been with her.
"I'm doing this so you can live your life. So live it, ok?"
Ava’s words floated across her mind.
I won’t. I can’t.
Everything about being here felt wrong. Ava should be here with her. But Ava's gone.
Bea sighed. There was no point in dwelling on where Ava was, or that she was probably never going to see her again. The important thing was that she was honoring Ava and her sacrifice. Or at least she was trying to.
Bea slid her fingers around the scuffed doorknob, the metal cool against her palm as she turned it, the lock clicking with a gentle snap.
The door released a soft breath as she pushed it open as though it was sighing in relief that she was finally back.
They had left for Madrid in a hurry, so everything was still the way it was when they were last here. Seeing all of Ava’s things, all of their things, felt like a punch to the gut and Bea couldn’t stop the tears from slipping out. She carefully shut the door behind her and stepped in, taking a deep breath, Ava’s scent still lingering in the air. She looked around the small place, her heart heavy.
Ava’s favorite sweater still hung limply over the back of her chair and the fuzzy slippers she always wore after work were still tucked lovingly near the door.
“Isn’t this place amazing?” Ava had asked the first time they saw the apartment, twirling around the room just waiting for them to make it theirs, her arms up in the air like she was dancing. She had the biggest smile on her face, as though this was an actual adventure and not just them hiding out of sight until Ava was ready.
Ava always had a way of making the best of any situation. She was made of pure light, a living, breathing angel. There was never a doubt in Bea’s mind why Ava was chosen for the halo.
Beatrice closed her eyes to the memories, letting them take her over.
“It’s only got one bed.”
Bea followed Ava’s line of sight, her heart hammering in her chest as she realized Ava was right.
“I-” she stammered, unsure how to reply, and unable to stop the blush from slowly creeping into her cheeks. “It was the best we could do on short notice”
Ava giggled, her eyes shining brightly as she clapped her hands together excitedly. “This is great!”
“It is?” Bea was taken aback.
Ava nodded. “Well yeah. We have our own apartment, Bea. I’ve never had a place to myself before”
Bea swallowed back the disappointment at Ava’s slippery disregard about the bed, and then felt guilty for even thinking about it.
“Neither have I” Bea whispered; her voice not as strong as she would have liked it to be.
“See Bea?” Ava grinned, her hands grabbing Bea’s wrists, her fingers slipping neatly around them. “It’s an adventure”
“We’re here to train Ava” Bea replied, attempting to smooth back the butterflies flapping wildly in her gut at Ava's touch.
“I know,” Ava said softly, her hands still tight around Bea’s wrists. “But come on Bea-” she bit down on her bottom lip in a fake pout, “we don’t know how long we will be here. We might as well make the best of what we can, right?”
Bea stared at her. She was sent here to protect Ava, train Ava,make sure that when the fight was brought to them, Ava would survive. But ever since she met Ava, Bea had always felt something more for the girl. It wasn’t just that it was her job, it was that Ava was different, special. And Bea, for the first time since joining the OCS, felt out of place suddenly. Ava had shaken her entire world up.
"Yes, I suppose we can" Bea had replied, earning another smile from her friend.
God, she would give anything to see Ava smile again.
Bea wiped the tears from her cheeks. What was she thinking coming back here again?
There were too many memories, too much pain. Ava was everywhere. And Beatrice just wanted her back.
She pulled Ava's sweater from the chair, snaking it around her hands and balling it up to her chest.
“Just one drink Bea? Please?”
Ava's voice still lingered in the air.
“You should wear your hair down more often”
Beatrice sighed.
“Where did you learn to kick ass so well?”
Ava was always so full of life, her joy and zest reaching out and filling up all the dark spaces inside of Bea that she felt like she would burst light in any given moment.
There were times that Bea wished that their life was this easy. That they could work in the bar, and then come home at night, no cares other than what Beatrice would cook for dinner or what movie Ava wanted to watch.
She loved the time she spent with Ava. It felt normal. It had made her feel loved.
She had felt so out of place her whole life, rejected and ignored by those who were supposed to care for her. Her friendship with Ava had given her hope that perhaps she could be happy, that she didn’t need to hold onto the pain that had delivered her to the OCS. She could have something outside of duty and honor.
But Bea couldn’t stifle the feelings that came along with that friendship, and she didn't know how to handle that. So instead, all she could do was dig a hole and bury them as deep as she possibly could, ignoring the way Ava made her feel.
And then there were times, late at night that Beatrice would sense Ava looking at her and she would long to open her eyes and look back. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. Now she wished she had.
Other nights, especially after a long day of training, Ava would fall asleep early, her eyes fluttering closed almost instantly, a smile curling along her perfect lips as she tucked herself up against Beatrice.
Those nights, Bea would watch her without fear, the rise and fall of Ava’s chest as comforting as a lullaby. Years ago, she had vowed to serve God and protect the world, but then she had met Ava. After that all she wanted to do was protect Ava and love her in the way she knew she wasn’t supposed to.
In the late hours of those nights, Beatrice would give herself those small moments, bringing to life those embers of hope that she dared not light beyond the four walls of their apartment and the moon.
“What if I don’t survive?”
Bea hadn't known how to answer that question, and Ava had been so somber and tired that day that she didn’t push Bea for a response like she usually would.
"I want to live”
A bubble of anger burst inside Beatrice’s chest as Ava's words kept coming, and she wailed into the sweater she was holding, the tears scalding hot as they poured from her eyes.
She had been so strong for so long, brushing aside everyone’s concerns after the fight with Adriel. But she couldn’t hold it together any longer as she stood there in that apartment. Not with Ava so alive all around her.
Somehow, it had been easier at the convent, the memories not as big as they were in Switzerland. But this was this first place she had loved Ava, and so in the end, it didn't matter where she went.
Camila kept looking at her with something akin to pity yet understanding, as though she saw this coming. And she had, Beatrice supposed. She had warned her about loving the warrior nun after all, didn’t she?
Mother Superion didn’t say much either, but Beatrice knew she understood. She always had it seemed.
Bea had expected everyone to judge her for how she felt about Ava, and when they didn’t it somehow didn't help. She had needed something else to focus on, the pain of losing Ava too heavy a cross for her to bear.
But most of all, she didn't think she belonged there anymore, her faith shaken to the very core. Everything she thought she knew was wrong. Everything she believed she was fighting for was wrong. Adriel had used prayers as weapons, and faith was a ticking bomb used to destroy religion as she knew it.
Beatrice didn’t know how she fit into it anymore.
Ava had given everything, even without faith, to protect the world. And what did that give her?
“That’s the warrior nun’s job, right?”
Beatrice sunk to her knees, quiet sobs choking her anger with clenched fists. Ava was right. And any other Warrior Nun would have had to do the same, but this was Ava. Her Ava.
She loved Ava with everything she had, and somehow Ava had known it. All the times they had fallen asleep together, all the times they laughed until they cried, all the times they argued and then made up, every single minute of every single day.
And Ava loved her back. Beatrice couldn’t breathe. Ava had loved her back, and now Ava wasn’t here.
“They can’t beat us Bea. Not together”
“But you’re not here” Bea whimpered, letting it all out now. “We’re not together”
She hugged the sweater tighter. “How am I supposed to do this without you Ava?”
"If I left, would you come with me?"
Beatrice wished she had said yes.
The warmth of the apartment held her close, shrouding her in a hug as she cried until she had nothing left. And then she picked herself up and took a deep breath.
Ava wouldn't want her to be sad. She would pull Beatrice up by the hands, wrap her arms around her and beg her to go dancing. All Ava had wanted was to be free, and she deserved that much at least.
Beatrice wiped the tears from her eyes. She couldn't keep dwelling on old memories.
Ava was life itself, and her light needed to be shared.
She set the sweater back down over the chair, giving it back to the space that belonged to Ava. She knew what she had to do now.
Somewhere out there, Ava was still alive, and Bea was going to do everything she could to find her.
"If you asked me again Ava, I'd say yes. This time I'd say yes"