Work Text:
In Equal Measure
Xxx
Shikanoin Heizou wasn't typically the type of man to loiter. If he was seen in one place for an extended period of time, he generally had a good reason for it. People didn’t tend to question his activities because they could tell he was on the job and that meant that soon another case would be solved and another criminal off the streets. That was the general rule.
Today however he was definitely, unquestionably, loitering. Hovering by the entrance to the Tenryou Commission, seeming uncharacteristically nervous. He tried to look relaxed, leaning against the wall, one leg crossed over the other, but his gaze kept flitting to the steps that led to the main building, watching and waiting.
It wasn’t that unusual, he told himself. It had simply been a long time since an opportunity like this had arisen. A whole war had been fought and won and lost and it was no wonder he was unsettled. If he kept telling himself that, he might even start to believe it.
As luck would have it, he only had to repeat it to himself three times before the subject of his agitation arrived, putting him out of his misery, at least temporarily. A flash of blonde and red caught his eye, before his friend came into full view, handsome and elegant as always. Even after all that had happened, he still looked just as Heizou remembered.
“Kazuha! I’m so glad you came!” He hopped forward, trying not to look too eager in front of the guards. They tended to talk.
“How could I not?” Kazuha smiled warmly. “That you sent a message before the Alcor even reached port means you must have something of great urgency to discuss.”
“Ah.” He hesitated. “Why don’t you… come inside? We’ll have tea and I'll explain.” He certainly wasn’t about to admit the truth in public. Hopefully, Kazuha wouldn’t hold the facts of the matter against him once he knew.
Kazuha nodded agreeably. “Of course, lead the way. I fear I have forgotten where to go after so long. You still have your office?”
“Yes, and yes, it’s still a book filled fire hazard. Before you ask. But it’s comfortable enough.” Heizou grinned as he led the way in, through the large building to where his office was tucked away.
“I would be worried if it wasn’t,” Kazuha teased lightly. “I would wonder what had changed my old friend so much.”
"Listen to you, sounding like you know me so well," Heizou teased, though it made his breath catch because Kazuha did. "As it happens, I've only acquired a dozen new books this month. I'm cutting down."
Kazuha laughed. "I know a young man in Liyue that you would get along splendidly with. Ah, for the chance to introduce you."
"Perhaps one day. I'd like to meet the people who have been kind to you." Heizou stopped outside the door and didn't hesitate to push it open. "The table is in the usual place. I replaced the mats and cushions not long ago, Lady Kujou Sara stopped by with some work a while back and well, we don't get on at the best of times, but after she threatened to demote me if my office ever gave her backache again, I thought it was likely time to get new ones."
"Ah, Heizou. The two of you truly are proof of the many different people that work here." Kazuha smiled, stepping into the crowded but comfortable office.
"That we are, I would never…" Heizou stopped abruptly. "I'm sorry, Kazuha. I shouldn't mention her in front of you. I… forgot." He fought the urge to kick himself, how could he have been so thoughtless? The great detective who couldn’t remember important facts.
He was still standing awkwardly when Kazuha’s hand came to rest on his shoulder.
"It is fine. I've long since laid that to rest and she and I have spoken. We will never be friends, but we have respect for one another. You need not fear using her name in my presence."
Looking up, Heizou sighed. "You're too nice for your own good, Kazuha. Take a seat, I'll make the tea."
Despite Kazuha’s words of assurance, he continued to silently berate himself the whole time he made and served the refreshments, right up until he sat down opposite Kazuha.
“So, what is it that made you send for me so urgently?” Kazuha looked at Heizou from over the rim of his cup. “Some case that is baffling even the esteemed detective?”
Heizou stared into his own tea. The urge to lie was embarrassingly strong, but what would be the point? It would only be a setback and Kazuha generally had the uncanny ability to see right through him anyway.
“Actually… nothing.”
There was a pause as Kazuha set his cup down. “Nothing? Nothing at all?”
“Well, not nothing,” Heizou corrected himself. “More accurate to say nothing of urgency requiring cases - though I certainly have a few we can go over if you wish, that was not why I sent the message.”
“Why then?” Kazuha set the cup down and looked at Heizou curiously.
Heizou sighed. “Before everything changed, we used to talk often. We helped each other, we were friends. And then we found ourselves on opposing sides of a war. I never thought such a thing could happen, but it did and I was charged with arresting you. Even though it’s over now, I had no idea where we stood. I was afraid you would decline if I told you the real reason I wanted to see you, which is why I kept my message vague. But I am sorry for deceiving you.”
“Then let me set your mind at ease.” Kazuha was smiling again as he moved from his position opposite Heizou to sit next to him. “Had you told me you wanted no more than tea and conversation, I would still have come with all haste.”
“Really? Even after everything that happened?” Heizou frowned. "I know you've a forgiving nature, Kazuha, but you lost so much. I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd stayed away from anyone connected to the Tenryou Commission."
Leaning back, Kazuha glanced out the window. Beyond, he could see the city and the location of some of the most desperate memories he had. "Much was lost, yes. Things that I would never have willingly given up. But when all was said and done - much was gained too. New friends, new loyalties, even a new life. Why, I'd never have thought to become a sailor had I not taken refuge with Captain Beidou. And I would have missed out on many incredible experiences."
"It does seem to suit you." Heizou had to agree with that. "That kind of freedom was always in your blood. But…" he trailed off. "Some losses were surely not worth that? Like… him."
Kazuha’s hand drifted to his side, though the masterless vision was no longer there. It rested on the grave, with the blade last used in a failed defence against the Musou no Hitotachi. "His was… the most painful loss. Time has passed and I have made my peace with all that transpired, but he will always have a place in my heart. The memories I have of him will always remain precious to me."
"I remember seeing the two of you together." Heizou refrained from mentioning the pang of jealousy he'd always felt at those times. "You were the perfect pair, and so in love. I… I always wanted something like that." He left the end unsaid. *With you.*
"Do not be so quick to say such things." Kazuha’s tone shifted, taking on an air of sadness. "Were it so perfect, he would still be here now."
Gears were turning in Heizou's mind, the same mind that solved the unsolvable cases getting to work as pieces started to fall into place. Evidence and clues seemed to stretch out before him, offering answers to questions he’d never even thought to ask before today.
"What do you mean, Kazuha? You were always together. And you both seemed so happy."
"Both of those things are true," Kazuha agreed. "And yet, it was not perfect. Perhaps that is just human nature, nothing can ever be without its flaws. The truth is… I loved him more than he loved me."
"Kazuha! Don't say such things!" Heizou sat up. "He loved you dearly, why would you doubt him?"
A breeze drifted around the room, odd since the windows were closed, but Heizou ignored it, putting it down to two anemo vision holders in close proximity.
"I know he did. Do not misunderstand. I loved him and he loved me. He was a good man and I cherished our time together. But in the end, his desire to face the Musou no Hitotachi was stronger than all else." Kazuha closed his eyes, his shoulders sagging as he remembered. "I bear him no ill will. I do not believe he even realised the truth himself. But it meant that I was powerless to stop him, even had I arrived in time."
"I'm sorry." Heizou forced the words out. "I had no idea…" Archons, how could he not have seen? Observation was supposed to be his greatest skill. Had he been blinded by his own jealousy? And despite that knowledge, that his feelings had clouded his thoughts, a stab of anger shot through him. How could that man have done that to Kazuha?
"Heizou?" Kazuha’s voice broke into his thoughts. "You've gone quiet. What is it you wish to say?"
Heizou shook his head. "It's nothing. I was just… thinking." Thinking things he knew he had no right to, *feeling* things he knew he shouldn't.
"When the great detective is thinking, that is not something to dismiss." Kazuha smiled, reaching out for Heizou's arm. "Talk to me."
"I can't." Kazuha’s hand was sending shivers down his arm. "It's not right and it's not respectful. I… I'll not speak ill of the dead."
"It's not speaking ill if it's the truth. You know this, Heizou. The truth is what matters most. Tell me, I'll take no offence." Kazuha’s voice was soft, but there was no mistaking his conviction.
Heizou turned. His heart raced in his chest, thrumming in his ears. If he spoke the truth, would Kazuha know? He was very astute. And would that then spoil the friendship he'd thought lost once already? It was terrifying. But Kazuha was *here* and *waiting* and he couldn't think of anything else.
"I… I accept that he loved you. But… pardon my words, I think he was a fool. You… you deserve the best, Kazuha. If I were him, no divine move would even have tempted me. He had it all - but it wasn't enough. It is not the first time I have struggled to understand a motive, but this is one I may never grasp. And it makes me angry on your behalf. You deserve to get back all that you give."
A soft smile graced Kazuha’s lips at Heizou's outburst. "That is the way of life. We cannot expect what we give to always be returned in equal measure. But… Thank you. It means a lot to me that you care."
"Of course I do." The words slipped out before he could stop them. "I always have."
Kazuha’s eyes met his own. The astute samurai seeming to bore into his soul. "You know, Detective, that sounds dangerously like a confession." Kazuha’s eyes sparkled. "Don't you think?"
Heizou couldn't think. He was rooted to the spot, horrified by the words that had escaped him. He hated himself in that moment. Kazuha had been through hell, had admitted he'd known his lover hadn't returned his feelings in equal measure, and all he could think of was his own wishes? He was a terrible person. "I… Kazuha you… gah. You know you are important to me. You must."
"I am here, am I not?"
Kazuha’s reply was simple, but it went straight to Heizou's conflicted heart.
"What are you saying?"
Kazuha was still looking at him, the maple-red eyes still bright despite the weight of the past few years.
"I have had much time to think since I left Inazuma. I have had time to reflect and ruminate on things I had not previously. One cannot stay in the past forever. A love lost is a pain that will always exist, but it should not prevent healing, or opening it up for another chance."
Heizou's head was spinning. Kazuha’s words were ringing in his ears as he heard things he'd barely even dared to daydream about.
"You mean?" He blinked, meeting Kazuha’s gaze with intensity. "Kazuha…"
"I missed you dearly during my time as a fugitive. It hurt me more than I ever expected to be on the opposite side. That was not your fault or mine, merely fate, yet it stung. When I received your message, I could not deny the stirring in my heart. And now that I am here, I can deny it even less."
Kazuha’s smile was *blinding*. "It seems to me that this office has borne witness to yet another great revelation. That is, if I am interpreting your words correctly."
Heizou was an intelligent man. Gifted in the art of investigation, skilled in martial arts, blessed by the gods with a vision. And yet as Kazuha’s words reached his ears his brain felt more akin to a frozen hydro slime than anything else. Kazuha… returned his feelings? The samurai he'd long pined over felt the same? It took him a painfully long moment to finally nod. "Yes…"
He willed his mind - and his mouth - to work. "I've had feelings for you for a very long time. But you were with him. And even now, I feel like to do anything would be to trample on a dead man's grave. But I… you're right. It was a confession. I,
Shikanoin Heizou, am guilty as charged." His stomach tied itself in knots as he spoke and butterflies fluttered around the loops.
"So dramatic." Kazuha laughed, moving closer. "It's okay, Heizou. I cannot live in the past, nor do I wish to. What happened, happened and cannot be changed. The future is what matters most and I wish for a future with you in it."
There was no stopping the smile that spread across Heizou's face. "I wish for that too." A sudden rush of warmth flooded him. "So much, Kazuha. I… I can't remember a time when I didn't." He dared to edge closer, to lean into the person he wanted but had never thought he would have.
"I wish I could promise you the world, Heizou." Kazuha’s hands met his. "But I can promise you this broken and battered heart, if you wish it. A heart that will be with you, even if I am not." Regret tinged Kazuha’s voice, but his life aboard the Alcor was not one he could just give up. Perhaps one day, but that time was not yet on the horizon.
"I think it's less battered and broken than you think. Bruised perhaps, even a little scarred. But I'll take it, wounds and all. We have time, Kazuha, whatever obstacles we face, we can find a way around them. I know… I know you're afraid our feelings won't be equally met. But I feel differently and as a detective, I never ignore a hunch. I've always felt drawn to you and now I know why. Let's see where this goes.”
Heizou leaned in, aware of the blush that was spreading across his cheeks as he pressed closer to Kazuha. A moment of panic gripped him, a fear of messing up and ruining the moment. But he pushed past it, bringing their lips together as Kazuha leaned in too. His heart raced at the moment they connected, Kazuha’s slightly salt chapped lips meeting his own. It was soft and sweet and more than he’d ever hoped for. Kazuha was warm and responsive, the samurai’s arms winding around him. He moved his own arms in response, his hands coming to rest on Kazuha’s back.
Even as breath became short and the kiss came to an end, Heizou didn’t mind. They were here now and this kiss was but the first of many.
Pulling Kazuha in closer, Heizou couldn’t help but laugh. It didn’t matter that Kazuha no longer lived on Inazuma, he had faith he’d return as often as he could. What mattered was this chance to be together, after so nearly being torn apart for good.
Shikanoin Heizou was not the kind of man to loiter. But he'd wait by the gates every time the Alcor was sighted and Kazuha came home. And whatever Kazuha had not been given in the past, Heizou would give him a hundred times over.
***End***