Chapter Text
Taehyung sits on the curb outside of Hoseok’s dorm, waiting for God to open up a rift to hell that could swallow him whole. It was lame, and embarrassing, but he’d gotten too drunk in a drinking game and said a few things he’d very quickly come to regret. Due to the fighting that ensued with Seokjin, Hoseok told him to leave. He couldn’t call his parents since they thought he was sleeping over at Jimin’s, but Jimin was inside with the others - so Taehyung was left with no choice but to wait until someone else left the party that had a car too.
After a long 15 minutes of misery, someone does come out, but it’s the last person in the world Taehyung wants to see right now: Kim Seokjin. The older boy shrugs on his leather jacket, pausing when he sees Taehyung on the curb, who’d turned to see who his savior was (and promptly turned around again when he’d seen Jin’s face). “Is Jimin still in there?” Taehyung asks.
“He’s making out with Yoongi. He can’t drive you home, if that’s what you're wondering.”
Fuck you, Jimin, Taehyung thinks. A little jealousy mixes with the fading aftertaste of beer.
The past 15 minutes seemed to have been sobering for both of them, but Taehyung thinks Seokjin must be drunk out of his mind to sit beside him in the chill of the night, sighing quietly. “Did you mean what you said?” he asks.
“‘Course I didn’t, I was slammed,” Taehyung replies, not too keen on remembering how he’d just admitted to being terribly, utterly in love with Kim Seokjin since the second grade, only to find out a moment later that Seokjin was standing right behind him.
And then, everyone started laughing, so Taehyung had said it was all a joke since “no one would love someone like Seokjin anyway.” Then he got punched in the face, so he punched right back, and before he knew it they were fighting, as they always did when they found stupid things to say. Then, Taehyung got kicked out even though he hadn’t fucking started it, and now they’re here, and it’s awkward, but Taehyung feels like telling the truth for once.
He swallows and adds, “Okay, I did mean it. Even slammed, yeah, I meant it. But believe me, I didn’t want to fall in love with you.”
“Then why did you?” Seokjin asks.
“If I could’ve stopped it, I would have!” Taehyung shoots back, anger boiling up in his chest. Of course he had to be angry. You’d have to be stupid to fall for Kim Seokjin and accept it. “You can’t fucking control your feelings. I just… felt like falling for you. Happy?”
Seokjin considers this for a long time before standing, offering Taehyung a hand. He twirls his keys around his finger with the other one. “Get up,” he says. “I’ll drive you home.”
“Why?” Taehyung asks, reluctant to take his hand - but he does so, since Seokjin is offering it and he’s fantasized about holding it for a long time.
“I just feel like it,” Kim Seokjin replies.
Kim Seokjin has done whatever he’s felt like doing ever since he left for college. Now it was the springtime - Taehyung’s time to start thinking about college too - and as they walk to Seokjin’s car, he realizes how much Seokjin has changed since leaving.
By sharing a couple mutual friends, they saw each other sometimes, but Taehyung hadn’t seen Seokjin since his 18th birthday. (Jimin had thrown him a party and invited every person he knew; Seokjin was visiting home that weekend and came for the free alcohol). He’d looked more like himself then. His old self, that is.
Seokjin had grown his hair out. It curves along the base of his neck in a bit of a mullet. Taehyung likes it - he thinks it looks cool on him, and even cooler from behind as he opens Taehyung’s door for him.
“Thanks,” he mutters, watching as Seokjin gets in on his side. “You okay to drive? You know my parent’s place is far…”
“Mhm. Let’s go to mine,” he says, starting the engine. “It’s closer.”
“For what? Do you actually want to hang out right now? I punched you in the face…” Taehyung says, half in disbelief, half for Seokjin’s sake. Maybe I hit his head too hard… ?
Seokjin shrugs. “I know you didn’t mean it.”
Oh no, I definitely meant it , Taehyung thinks, but flips down the passenger mirror to get a look at himself. Jin was pretty clean with him - since he punched first, he had the benefit of being clear headed. When Taehyung returned the gesture, his head was spinning. He’d split Jin’s lip, but it looked like he’d cleaned it up at Hoseok’s. Taehyung rubs at the bruise on his cheek and huffs.
Perhaps he should be the one who doesn’t want to be with Jin. But it would be near impossible for Taehyung to feel that way.
Their drive is quiet. Seokjin doesn’t even play music. Taehyung wonders if his parents are home, but that question is answered as soon as they arrive some few minutes later: the house is dark.
“Just us,” Jin confirms, swinging his keys around his fingers again. “They’re not coming back tonight.”
“Okay,” Taehyung murmurs. He follows Seokjin inside timidly, getting a sinking feeling as to why Seokjin decided to share this piece of information.
Wordlessly, they go right to his bedroom.
“What do you wanna do? Play games?” he offers, kicking off his shoes.
“Didn’t you invite me here for something?”
“Not really,” Seokjin shrugs. “I just thought you wouldn’t wanna go home drunk to your parents. And you looked like you wanted to come.”
Taehyung frowns, pondering what exactly about his behavior screamed ‘take me to your house, Seokjin’. But, it was true that he didn’t want to go home - he was supposed to be sleeping over at Jimin’s. And now that he’s here, he very much likes being in Seokjin’s bedroom.
It looked like he hadn’t changed anything since going off to college, except, Taehyung assumes, that he had taken some things with him. Seokjin stretches beside his bed and cleans a few things off of it. “Or we can just hang out.”
“Sure,” Taehyung agrees, kicking off his own shoes.
He blushes when Seokjin pats the bed.
“This is your idea of hanging out?” Taehyung asks, laying his head at the other end.
“Drinking makes me tired,” he half-shrugs. “What about you?”
“Not exactly,” Taehyung replies. “Maybe a bit too… anxious. Um, I’m sorry again for punching you in the face. Maybe you should take care of your lip.”
“You think so?” Seokjin sits up, but winces and lays back down. “Ah… my head hurts. Why don’t you get me some ice?”
Taehyung tries to swallow the pang of guilt that courses through him. “Oh, for sure. I’ll just…”
He quickly gets off the bed and investigates the downstairs. He finds the ice in the freezer and, quite frankly, doesn’t know what to do with it, so he finds a plastic bag and puts it inside. It felt weird to sift through Seokjin’s family’s things. He really must feel terrible, Taehyung thinks, but the thought is dispelled when he returns to see Seokjin up on his feet, changing his clothes.
“Oh, uh-”
“Sorry, thought I’d change while you were gone,” Seokjin says, finishing pulling down his shirt. “I got you some clothes too since you’re staying over.”
I am? Taehyung wonders, but it’s not like he’s going to decline. I guess I am, he thinks, holding out the bag of ice. “Did you send me down there because you’re lazy?”
“Damn, you catch on fast,” he smirks. He exchanges the clothes for the bag and rests it over his lip before he lays back.
Since Seokjin changed in front of him, Taehyung does the same. Seokjin’s clothes are comfier than his jeans for sure, but the experience of wearing them makes Taehyung warm. “Thanks,” he says, laying back by Jin again.
He doesn’t know what to say when he settles down. Surely they aren’t going to sleep like this? Only the lamp is on, casting a dim, yellow light on the side of Seokjin’s face.
"Have you ever... been with a guy before?" he asks suddenly.
Fuck. Of course that hasn’t left his mind…
Taehyung lays still in the silence, staring upwards. He waits for a laugh, but Seokjin doesn’t go further. Even as the quiet grows, he doesn’t repeat the question.
“Been with..?” Taehyung sits up carefully. “Um…”
Jin glances at him, then somewhere else. "You know," he attempts to elaborate. "Been with. Kissed, hooked up. Anything. With a guy?”
“Um…”
Why is that all I can say ? Taehyung thinks, frowning. “I haven’t really- with anyone…”
“Never?” Seokjin says.
Taehyung is a bit embarrassed to answer, but thankfully Seokjin continues. “Do you remember your birthday party last year? We had it a day late so it was New Year’s*, you know?”
(*he’s talking about the Western New Year)
Taehyung doesn’t know why they’re suddenly talking about his birthday, but regardless he answers, “I know.”
“You kissed that girl.”
“…you remember that?”
“It wasn’t that long ago.”
“But why are you bringing it up?”
Seokjin blinks. “Because you have done something-”
“Does that even count? I was drunk. I don’t even know what her name is.”
“Oh. But you still kissed her.”
“Yeah. I guess I did. But I’ve never- um, with a guy-”
“So how do you know you like me? Have you thought about it?”
Taehyung swallows. Of course he’s thought about it. Would he have a crush on Jin if he hadn’t thought about it?
"Yeah. I have," he replies, but doesn't elaborate (just in case).
Jin swallows, looking away, and Taehyung thinks he's ruined something - that is, until the next question shocks him even more.
"What was it like?" Jin asks, quiet. He says the last part even softer. "Did you... like it?"
“The… thinking?”
“Yeah. You know… When you thought about it, did you like it?”
It seems almost ridiculous to ask someone if they ‘liked’ their thoughts or not, but Taehyung knows exactly why he’s asking. Their relationship hasn’t always been amicable, much less understandable. Not to mention they were both guys... nevertheless, Taehyung knows his answer.
"Yes, hyung," he replies. "I... I liked it."
Jin gives a tentative nod, as if confirming something. He scoots closer. Seeing Jin come closer, Taehyung is already moving in.
"Do you want to try it, hyung?" he asks, breathless. "Is that what this is about?"
“I…” Seokjin breathes out unsteadily and reaches out to cup the back of Taehyung’s neck, pulling him in. "Will you kiss me?" he asks, forehead against Taehyung’s. "I just- I want to know- I want to-"
I want to know what it’s like? Maybe that’s what he’s trying to say, but Taehyung kisses him before the sentence is over. This isn't a confession, but at least it's something. After all, Seokjin has chosen him to kiss of all people. An honor in itself.
And it feels different than kissing a girl. Not physically so much - lips on lips have a familiarity - but mentally it's... more enjoyable than what glimpse he remembers of before. He’s attracted to Seokjin, to this. Seokjin’s hand slips away, down his neck to his chest.
Taehyung considers that his hyung may want to do more than kiss him. After all, 'being' with a guy could mean going all the way. But Seokjin? Doing that with him? Would he really..?
"Taehyung-ah," Seokjin says, breaking the kiss, "maybe we shouldn’t?" he finishes. It sounds like a question.
"But did you like it?" Taehyung whispers, unable to stop himself from asking before he can get to Jin's question.
"I liked it," Seokjin reassures him. "Did you like it?"
Taehyung gives a half-laugh. Was it not obvious? "Yes, hyung."
"Now answer me," Seokjin demands, breathless. Taehyung thinks it's cute and... a little surprising. Rarely is Seokjin like this. Taehyung doesn't really know how to explain it. Seokjin gets emotional, sure, he's not going to hide his opinion. But other than when he's the center of attention, he's not easily embarrassed. Taehyung thinks, actually, that this is it - Seokjin is the center of attention right now. His attention. And he's made his hyung flustered. Just by kissing him.
The thought makes him pretty bold. “Why shouldn’t we?” he asks.
If Seokjin has an answer, he doesn’t voice it.
“Hyung,” Taehyung murmurs, flicking the underside of his chin. “What are you thinking?”
Seokjin takes more time to gather his words, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He almost looks childish. “I know it’s dangerous when feelings are involved,” he says, “but I want to know what it’s like to be with a guy. To… to be with you.”
The thrill of the revelation sends him crashing into Taehyung again, kissing him hard, desperate. "Taehyung-ah, I want to," he begs.
Taehyung doesn't know how to react at first, so he goes stiff. He's never heard Seokjin beg for him - for anyone, actually, or anything. He usually makes jokes or whines when he doesn't get his way. He's never at someone's mercy. And now he's at Taehyung’s.
Of course, Taehyung wants it too.
"Okay, hyung," Taehyung whispers, touching Jin's shoulder, dragging his fingertips along it. "I'll give it to you."
They kiss again. This time, slower than before but deeper. They know no one is coming back tonight - Jin said so earlier - so they have time. They can take it as slow as they want (and Taehyung wants to go slow, to savor it, and make sure Jin is okay). He’s still reeling from all this anyway. The shock that Jin wants him specifically, only sets in when Jin's hands slip under his shirt and he feels across Taehyung’s skin - touching him truly delicate for the first time.
When he does it, Jin says, "I've wanted this." It sounds like an afterthought and, somewhat, it was. It’s just whispered. Maybe he hadn’t intended for Taehyung to hear it, but he’s so glad he does.
“Wanting me..?”
Seokjin nods into Taehyung’s neck. Taehyung wants to tell him that he won’t go anywhere (but he loves how tight he’s being held right now) so he lets Seokjin believe, for a few more seconds, that he may just change his mind.
Taehyung doesn't want to sound overly desperate by asking Seokjin to repeat himself, or to give him a yes or no, so he figures he'll have to force it out, and show his hyung a bit of what he'd thought about.
He leans down and kisses Seokjin’s neck before he bites it.
He's not sure at first if Seokjin likes it - he doesn't make any noises, just grips Taehyung’s sides - until Taehyung goes to pull back but Seokjin stops him and says, "do it again."
Taehyung obliges, kissing and sucking the reddening skin before lightly nipping him. Marking him.
It's something that people do when they want one another, and the fact that Taehyung is wanting Seokjin makes him feel incredibly hot. He can feel the heat welling up in his neck and ears and face, the burning reminding him that what they're doing is so... wrong?
No - it can't be wrong. Or unnatural, or whatever people say about it.
On one hand, it feels like an indulgence, a secret in the dark of Seokjin’s bedroom. But there's nothing wrong with that, Taehyung thinks. Not when they both want it. Not when it feels like this.
"Are you okay, hyung?" Taehyung whispers, wet lips starting to get a bit swollen with overwork on Seokjin’s neck.
"I love it," Seokjin admits, leaning forward to bury his face in Taehyung’s chest. "Don't stop, Taehyung," he whispers, he begs , and Taehyung gives in quickly, not wanting Seokjin to think he'll leave him waiting for a second more.
He's nervous, of course Taehyung is, because this isn't just out of lust (at least on his end). He wants Seokjin, of course, but wants him after this night too. If that wouldn't be the case, then he wouldn't sacrifice their friendship over something like this...
So, when Seokjin lays back, Taehyung pauses. "Hyung, are you sure?" he asks. He can tell Seokjin is nervous too, just because he's acting so unlike himself - all anxious and hidden and unsure. And, of course, he wants him to be sure.
Seokjin nods weakly and whispers, "I'm sure."
"I don't want you to regret this."
"I can't," Seokjin says.
"You can't?"
He shakes his head. "I... I really want you too, Taehyung-ah."
"Me?"
"Yes," Jin says, grabbing the hem of Tae's shirt to tug him closer. "It has to be you."
Taehyung's heart jumps a little (and it's already beating so fast). "You want me? " he says in disbelief.
"Do you want me?" Seokjin asks.
There's a moment of silence, a pause, in which neither of them do a thing. Both of them are too afraid to answer - since wanting and wanting someone mean different things entirely. And if they weren't on the same page... what would that be except awkward?
Taehyung sits back on his heels, and Seokjin is laying on his pillow, looking up at him.
There's a moment where he thinks Jin is going to tell him that it's over, that he doesn't want him that way and they should stop before it gets weird.
“I can still remember when I saw you kissing that girl,” Seokjin murmurs. He touches his split lip, which has started to bleed again, and huffs. “I had no idea why, but I felt so sick. I know that’s a terrible thing to say. I couldn’t even tell if it was her or you, I was that confused. But when I was at school over the next few months, I tried but- I- I just don’t…”
He trails off, shaking his head. “I still don’t know if I believe I don’t like girls. I keep trying to convince myself I do but I don’t, I really think I don’t, and I was mean to you because of it and I’m sorry,” he rushes out, thoroughly embarrassed once he’s through. “And you..?”
“Do you even have to ask?” Taehyung breathes. “I don’t care who I like. I just know it’s you.”