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Excruciating pain. Then numb. I was ready, and it was done.
I never believed in an afterlife. After all it was Armins job to dream, but when I finally opened my eyes, it wasn’t the sandy paths that greeted me. No, I was surrounded by clouds. An open sky and miles and miles of white, but I wasn't falling. There was not a possibility that I could be at peace. I didn’t deserve it, not after every foul and monstrous thing I'd done. My eyes kept searching anyway. For something - someone, like I was waiting for my final judgment to be given to me by a higher power. There were no screams anymore, but the color red was splayed on my ten fingers like a glove representing the bloodshed I brought forth. Mikasa granted me the mercy of a lifetime. I had done it all for them. I loved them, I wanted to save them, but we were never meant to conquer the world together, because that same world was now in ruins.
I took a breath as a breeze of mist hit my face, whipping my hair into my eyes. I kept my eyes closed for just a few more moments, afraid that this would all disappear and I would be back in the war that I brought on in the first place. Right when I was about to open them again, a soft and small hand found its way to my cheek. My breathing stopped and the air stilled.
“My sweet boy.” A delicate voice whispered to me. My eyes snapped open. Green eyes met green and I stumbled backwards letting her hand drop. It was like all the oxygen in the world had ceased to exist. Tears were in her eyes just as they were in mine. “Eren,” She breathed out, choking a little on the name.
“Mother?” It was like I had almost forgotten her face. It was like I had almost forgotten her. “This can’t be real.” A tear rolled down my cheek, but I didn’t let it reach my chin, quickly wiping it away. She held a worried expression. I swirled around away from her, and I squeezed my eyes shut. The darkness was welcomed. “When I open my eyes, this is all going to go away. You're going to go away.” I pleaded in the strongest voice I could muster. I was tired, so tired. I heard no sound and as I was about to open my eyes again, I felt two hands rest on my shoulders. This time I let the hands stay there and the tears fell. They kept falling and I couldn't stop them, but my eyes never opened. I knew I was sobbing, but I couldn't hear myself. It was like what was left of my mind was shattering and I couldn't stop it or control it. The clouds were soft as I fell. Collapsing felt like relief, as if I was finally letting myself process what had been done. The hands let go, and I thought she finally disappeared, but instead arms wrapped around me from behind. Her head lay in between my shoulder blades as she held me.
“It’s okay.” She said softly, close enough by my ear that I could hear her over the cries I was letting out. There were too many emotions to even consider picking them apart. It wasn’t okay, it really wasn’t, and I didn’t think I would ever be okay again. “It’s okay, Eren.” I could feel her tears through my shirt, and I leaned back against her. It was like I could hear myself breaking. After a few minutes I was starting to sober up. I finally spoke,
“When I open my eyes, you're going to be gone.” My head was facing upwards, but my eyes remained closed.
“Do you want me to be?” She asked me. She asked me as if it were the easiest question in the world. She asked me as if she would simply go if I said the words. I didn’t want her to go. I couldn’t answer so instead I pushed it aside.
“This can’t be real…” I choked out. The person who ended the world was greeted by heaven after death instead of hell. It was too good to be true.
“Why can’t it be? Let yourself be okay, Eren. Let yourself breathe.” She begged. I should have been the one begging. Begging her to stay and hold me until the end of time.
I opened my eyes. There was light all around me, clouds were still beneath me, and arms were still around my waist.