Work Text:
There aren’t really places for people like them,
So they’ve learned to find them- make them
Little oases where they can exist
A bathroom with a locked door
An abandoned shed
The living room after everyone’s gone to sleep
Middle of the night
Maybe two AM
Jess sitting on the ground
With her back pressed against the couch, pressed between Lupe’s legs
Lupe on the couch
Knees holding either side of Jess’s body
Jess’s hair in her hands
In an act of trust that Lupe probably doesn’t even see that way
Lupe working out the knots slowly, carefully, methodically
In the same way she does everything- until it’s perfect.
And Jess is a sucker for being touched like this.
She’d ask for it all the time if she could find the words.
No one took care of her
No one reached out to her
And most days she doesn’t think about it.
But when Lupe braids her hair-
She longs to never not be there
Closes her eyes
Leans in
Revels
Tries not to spend the whole time hoping Lupe will mess up so she’ll have to do it again
Lupe
Combs through her hair with her fingers
Braids it once
Mumbles “No, that’s shit.”
Shakes it out
And Jess could preen
She’s trying to stay talking
Trying to say little sentences
Trying not to just close her eyes and
Melt
But she can’t really keep up the conversation.
Lupe is asking her something about her childhood.
Jess is saying something about how she spends thanksgiving with her brothers
Little jokes from their past, little moments.
Chiming in when she remembers something new
Lupe is mm-ing.
Lupe is talking about the red and blue skirts she had to wear as a child
The pew her family took up at church
The ribbons she had to wear in her hair
She scratches Jess’s scalp
Gentle
And it’s just scratching
Just fingertips on skin
But jess could die here
And be happy.
Could shiver from head to toe
-Does -
But Lupe doesn't comment
Just keeps going
Jess sobers up enough to ask her a question so she’ll keep talking
In that sweet, deep voice
That feels like it’s scratching an itch in the back of her lungs
Feels like she should hum along
And they’re both tired
They must be
Because
Lupe is pulling her hair into its fourth braid
Lupe is undoing it just to run her fingers through it
And Jess knows Lu wouldn't be doing this
If she wasnt almost asleep
If there was anyone awake or around
If it wasn’t the middle of the night
Jess can’t stop thinking about how soon this is going to end
And what she could do to make it last longer
Lupe is talking about her grandmothers and grandfathers and cousins and the texture of corn husks and the smell of leather
Jess is leaning into the gentle circles she’s rubbing into her scalp
Like a massage
Like a mantra
Like an offering
Jess is wondering if there's a way for her to say that feels so good or please don’t stop without it sounding desperate
Without it sounding like something else
Without scaring Lu away
She’s a good listener, she is
She tries so hard
But she could fall asleep right now.
The hum of Lu’s voice is like a lullaby, like a cozy liquid flame filling her body-
And Lu whispers “Hey.”
And Jess feels that the braid is done
Tied off halfway down her shoulders,
Fallen, limp, like the nothing it is
And she should get up
But Lu’s hands are on her shoulders now
Squeezing gently a few times
And the hum,
the “Mm”
the little moan
must have come through Jess’s thoughts and out of her mouth
And Lu must have heard it
Because her thumbs dig in again
And then her hands are working
Those pitcher fingers
Smoothing out the knots in her shoulders
Behind her ears
At her temples
Up the muscles in her neck,
Down the panels of her shoulder blades,
Into the divots of her back
Jess could cry from it
Hears herself say “Oh my god” out loud
Hears Lu chuckle under her breath a little
Feels her Lean in closer,
Feels those expert hands dig in a little harder-
And when she’s done she pats Jess gently
“That good?” she asks, a smile in her voice
And thank god for that, for her, because all Jess has to say is “Yes.”
Strong, unequivocal
She twists to look back up behind her
“Thank you.”
Jess says
Lu ducks her head like she used to do more before they knew each other
Before they were family
As if Jess had just something that meant something, meant anything
“Get to bed, McCready. You’re sleepy.”
Lu says with an almost-shy smile
She presses on Jess’s shoulder as she moves to stand, but
“Wait-”
Jess catches her wrist
Catches her eyes
“Lemme get you back?”
Lupe starts to roll her eyes, to say You don’t have to
But luckily, Jess knows how to read her now
Hears the implied ‘I’m here to give, I don’t deserve to receive, anything.’
Knows how to say ‘Get over here and let me give you anything’
With a nod,
A jerk of the head,
A smile.
So she gets to
Try to
Press every i love you that’s ever flitted across her mind,
Every ounce of fondness
And care
And dedication she feels for Lu
into the muscles of her neck
her shoulders
And she can't imagine it feels as good as Lupe’s hands did on her, but
She knows that it feels right to have Lu in her hands
Feels good
To get to know the curves of her back
The warmth of her skin through her shirt
Knows how to read what feels good and what doesn't
To Lu
And she’s never really done this before
To someone like Lu
A- friend
At home she felt warm all the time.
Like no one she reached for would flinch away.
She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed touch.
How empty her skin and soul had felt before she had Lu’s hands in her hair, on her shoulders
Had Lu’s shoulders in her hands
And Jess had been with so many women
But it’d always been
Short
Women who were there for a few moments, at best
People, usually, don’t want to be touched by her
Or they want her hands right there, right now and then they’re done
There’s never a touch without without a desire of something else
This, though
This touch
This gentle, steady, firm pressure
From Lu to her and her to Lu,
Like energy flowing back and forth,
This touch
With no expectation
No promise of a quick fuck in the bathroom later
No fear that Lu’s going to run away after
This is new.
This feeling-
Like Lu would still like her if this was the most they ever touched
Like Lu likes this
Like maybe Lu maybe likes who she actually is
Maybe wants to be close to her because of who she is
Not because of anything Jess could give her, or do for her, or become
Like Lu would be happy to give and give and give and take nothing from her
Happy to play with her hair forever
If that’s how it went
Like she’d stick around anyway-
Jess feels it in her chest.
(warm like a bonfire, freezing like anticipation)
She thinks Lupe might be drifting off to sleep.
“Hey.”
Jess whispers, running a thumb gently up her neck.
Lu shakes awake
“Oh. Sorry.”
Jess cocks her eyebrows.
“For what?”
“Oh. Um…I don’t know.”
Lu laughs
Jess laughs
Lu looks back at her, still smiling, meets her eyes-
“Thank you.”
Lu says, then,
Instead.
for touching her
for being there
for this time together
for nothing
for everything
Jess hears it.
Jess feels it.
And Jess melts.