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Kaito’s chest fucking hurt.
It had been three days since they had been awoken from the killing game simulation, and he and his fellow “cast mates” as the staff called them had been in the hospital ever since. Most of their stays were mere protocol, a clause put into the contracts detailing a mandatory month’s long hospital stay following their escape from the program, put in place after a scandal involving a past participant and serious injury following complications from a death dealt in-game. However, Kaito was one of the unlucky ones who needed the hospitalization. The illness so graciously given to him by the producers and game designers had left him with no real-life ailments but a fierce cough and chest pain that almost made him regret entering the simulation entirely.
With no television or other electronic distractions to “avoid overstimulation” and a headache from one of the pills in his daily cocktail of medications leaving him unable to read, Kaito was unbelievably bored. Perhaps his game personality would have been able to take this all in stride, but the actual Kaito was much less optimistic than his television persona. Though most aspects of his personality remained unchanged, the producers had decided that an encouraging presence was needed to guide the other characters, and created two just in case one of them died early on. As designed, his positivity certainly outlived Kaede, but it didn’t last long enough to keep him company among these sterile walls and humming machines.
Kaito wished he could be that guy. The one who always saw the possibilities in everyone and everything, the one who never gave up. Unfortunately, he wasn’t that naïve. Like nearly all Danganronpa participants, he was cynical, disillusioned with the world and other people. He hid it well, smiling at strangers and offering motivational words to others he never himself believed. But it was all fake. Real life, the “perfect world”, was boring, filled with average people unable to do exceptional things. Day after day life slogged on, with nothing particularly standing out. That’s why he’s always been interested in space; after all, the memories implanted to make him the ultimate astronaut were his main reason for not resenting his participation in the game altogether. Space was exciting, unexplored territory with millions of surprises around the corner. In space he could see what almost no one else had seen, feel what almost no one else had felt… there was nothing on Earth like it.
Except, that wasn’t necessarily true. Recently, Kaito had found his thoughts plagued by memories of something else, something everyone could technically see but something he got the sense no one had truly seen but him. Shuichi Saihara, the unofficial main character of the 53rd killing game. Kaito had only seen him in passing while being wheeled past his room on his way to another imaging test for his lungs. He had been trying not to think of him and their relationship in the game, but when their eyes met it all came flooding back and he hadn’t been able to suppress the thoughts since.
He knew that the Shuichi he was close to in the simulation wasn’t necessarily the same Shuichi here now, he certainly wasn’t the same Kaito. And with a friendship grown entirely from Kaito’s unending optimism and belief in Shuichi’s abilities, abilities Shuichi no longer had, Kaito knew he had nothing to offer the other boy anymore. But what they had was more than a friendship, wasn’t it? Kaito could be dense, but he saw the looks Shuichi gave him when he thought Kaito wasn’t paying attention, and Kaito even gave some of his own. If not for the generally perilous situation and his mysterious illness, he likely would have confessed during one of their late-night training sessions. Not to mention the one, heated kiss they shared, surprising them both as their lips met while they leaned through either side of the bathroom window of the Exisal Hangar. Kaito wished they could’ve just said how they felt, he wasn’t one for hiding feelings and beating around the bush. But things were always more complicated than Kaito liked them to be.
He knew he wasn’t the only one to fall for someone during the killing game. Based on the gossip he overheard from the nurses, Tenko had practically moved into Himiko’s room, and Kokichi had to be physically removed from Keebo’s room when, after a half-hour-long search for the boy who was avoiding bloodwork, he was found rambling about how much more boring a human boyfriend would be than a robot one. But Kaito was different, his relationship with Shuichi was far more conditional than theirs, one he believed only could have formed in the setting of the killing game. A manufactured plot between the insecure detective and the boisterous faux-hero. He knew there was nothing they could be for each other now. So why did his heart hurt at the thought?
A quiet knock at the door startled Kaito out of his reverie. He jumped with a start but quickly relaxed, for all the annoyances of the hospital he did appreciate the politeness of the staff. It was quite a pleasant level of privacy from people he had to ask for help walking to the bathroom the other day.
“Come on in.” Kaito’s voice was raspier than he’d like, though he supposed it could only be expected considering he hadn’t been using it much in the past few days, or weeks really.
The door eased open uncertainly. An odd move for the nurses who usually visited him to check his vitals and draw his blood, but before Kaito could think too hard about it he was met with a very familiar face.
“H-hey…” Shuichi stepped into the room and softly closed the door. He looked at Kaito and then quickly back at his own socked feet, whatever confidence that had led him to the room evidently gone now.
“Sidekick-“ Kaito’s nickname for the ex-detective slipped from his lips unbidden before he cut himself off. “What are you doing here?” He internally winced at the poor choice of words but Shuichi seemed not to notice, too wrapped up in either his own thoughts or whatever he found so very interesting on the grippy socks they were apparently all issued.
“I uh… I just wanted to come check on you. I overheard you were still sick and… wanted to make sure you were okay.” Kaito didn’t know how to respond for a second. Shuichi was worried about him? Did he also… Kaito wouldn’t let himself go down that road.
He let out a somewhat humorless laugh, “I’ve certainly been better, but I’ll make it through the night.” Fuck, he should’ve been more optimistic, more like his old self, more- “Come in man, sit down, you don’t have to stand at the door like that.”
Shuichi slowly walked into the room, sitting down gently on the edge of the bed after a cursory glance around the room revealed there were no chairs. No one signing up for a killing game had outside guests lining up to visit anyway.
With Shuichi closer now and the surprise of his visit somewhat worn off, Kaito was able to get a good look at him. Shuichi was dressed in the same thin hospital gown as he was, the version supplied to them thankfully more of the dress variety than those with an opening in the back. His hair appeared unwashed since their totally not invasive scrub down following the exit from the program, and Kaito internally lamented how the other boy managed to make hair look soft and purposefully messy when he was pretty sure he was forming a rats nest without his aggressive gel routine.
Eyes wandering down from his hair, Kaito looked at the familiar face only a few feet from his own. Shuichi’s eyes had now moved from his socks to being locked in a seemingly intense staring contest with the tile floor, and Kaito was secretly glad he couldn’t see the way his own eyes drank in Shuichi’s delicate features. Shuichi’s unbelievably long lashes, his thin slightly hooked nose, his soft lips. Those lips that plagued his mind, haunted his dreams. He couldn’t see the stars from his room with all the light inside, so all he had to occupy his mind was his thoughts… and his thoughts were filled with Shuichi. Thoughts that were so much stronger when he could see him, not just imagine him.
He shook his head suddenly to clear his mind. Kaito could not wander back down this road with the object of his desires right in front of him. He looked back over at Shuichi who still seemed lost in his own thoughts. How long had they been sitting here in silence?
“So, um… how are you doing?” Shuichi jumped when Kaito finally spoke, glancing at him before his eyes darted back to the floor.
“I’m… okay. They said I don’t have any sicknesses or injuries so they stopped monitoring my vitals earlier today. It’s mostly just therapy and psychiatric evaluations now.”
Ah yes, the psychiatric evaluations. “How are you feeling?” “Do you think you are a danger to yourself or others?” “How do you feel about your experience in Danganronpa?” Inane questions read off a clipboard by someone who clearly didn’t care much about the answers, just filling out the answers for a therapist to review. Therapy sessions were better but in a similar vein, the therapist seemed to truly care about his well-being, but he still felt an aversion to the process as he never knew how to answer. How did he feel about his experience? Kaito wasn’t the “talk about his bad feelings” type. It was another trait that he carried with him into the game; he tended to bottle things up, pretending everything was fine so he could be the strong one, the smile. He knew it was hypocritical, but old habits die hard. And he couldn’t quite figure out how to mention the flashes of his dying breath that shot into his vision whenever he coughed.
“Ah yeah, those are always a fun time. Though I suppose the real fun starts in group tomorrow.” Admittedly, Kaito had been counting down the days to their first group therapy session. He was curious about what everyone else looked like now, especially one specific someone. Someone who, for some unknown reason, decided to cut his wait short.
“Hehe, yeah…” Shuichi gave an awkward, lifeless chuckle. “Kaito, I-“ the blue-haired boy seemed even deeper in thought than he was before. “I wanted to talk about what happened in the game. Between us.”
Kaito’s mind went completely blank. “Oh… yeah. I mean, I didn’t want to assume anything, we’re both different people now and all, but we can totally still be friends if you want!” Kaito’s typical false smile slid easily onto his face. He liked spending time with Shuichi, he had even missed him these past few days. And yet the thought of going back to friends as they were before still made him feel something he impulsively tried to hide.
“Friends…” Shuichi’s continued to stare at the floor until his shoulders straightened and he looked up, still not at Kaito but at the far wall. “Is that… all you saw us as? Is that what you want us to be now?”
“Wha-“ Kaito’s breath caught in his throat. Never in a million years did he expect this to be the topic of conversation. This Shuichi was clearly more confident, or TV-Kaito’s influence was stronger than he thought. Either way, it just reminded Kaito he had nothing to offer Shuichi anymore.
Shuichi’s eyes finally moved to meet his own, as if he could sense the other’s self-deprecating thoughts. Oh, how the tables had turned.
“Kaito,” Shuichi’s eyes were not wavering now, fixed on Kaito’s own, both determined and soft. “I like you. I liked you in the game, and I still like you now. I know I don’t really know the real you and you don’t really know the real me, but I don’t think that matters. I want to know you, I want to learn what you like, what you dislike, what’s different, what’s the same. I want to spend time with you and fall in love with the real you. This world is… hollow and confusing but… I don’t think it’ll be as bad with you. Because… you’re Kaito. And I don’t think anyone could fabricate someone like you.”
Kaito was speechless. This man, this Shuichi, was completely different than the one he knew before. But also, entirely the same. He could feel the same disdain that was in himself, the Danganronpa participant’s apathy. Yet, Shuichi still had some passion, was still able to fight for what he wanted. And apparently, he wanted Kaito.
“Side- Shuichi, you…” Kaito trailed off. He knew Shuichi said he didn’t care that he was different, but he wasn’t the Kaito he thought he was. He would just disappoint.
“Shuichi, I like you too. Shit, I… you don’t know how much I like you, how much I’ve been thinking about you these past few days. But… I’m not the person you fell for. I’m not that optimistic, carefree guy; I can’t be him. I don’t have anything to offer you anymore, you don’t need me.”
Shuichi’s whole body suddenly turned so that he was practically on Kaito’s lap. “I don’t like you because you have something to offer me. I like you because you’re you. I like things I know can’t be faked. The way you smile, the way you laugh when you hear a stupid joke, the way your voice lifts when you talk about the stars or whatever it is you’re passionate about now.” “It’s still stars,” Kaito cut in before he even noticed he was speaking but Shuichi wasn’t deterred, smiling at the admission.
“See, there’s still some Luminary of the Stars in you after all.” Kaito smiled back, laughing a little.
“Have you always been good at pep talks or is this a new development?”
Shuichi grinned wider, his previous nervousness not entirely gone but having taken a backseat to the joy they both felt in the other’s presence. “Well, I recently had a pretty great teacher. You might know him, he looked kinda like you but with really stupid hair.”
A laugh burst from Kaito’s chest, stronger and more real than anything he could remember. Shuichi’s eyes sparkled when he heard it, and Kaito thought maybe he could be that guy. The one he wanted to be, the one he pretended to be. The room seemed brighter than it did earlier, not in a harsh hospital glow but with a soft vibrance that lifted the dull. Shuichi made him feel like he was suddenly seeing in color. Like maybe there was more to life, more to him than he had ever considered.
Shuichi was clearly different now, so was he. But they had both been changed by their experience, irreversibly so. And as their eyes met, and they shared their second kiss, Kaito thought that maybe it was for the better.