Chapter Text
AVA
Dear Beatrice,
By the time you read this, I’ll already be gone.
I’m sorry, Bea. This was the only way I could make sure you were safe. And I know this is a shitty thing for me to do and that I have the worst timing, but I just couldn’t bear to think of a world where you simply didn’t exist anymore, because... I love you, Bea.
I can’t exactly say when it happened and I had never planned on it, but I love you. I’m in love with you. It happened slowly, effortlessly, naturally. You were the first person to believe in me, to trust in me, you were always there, unwavering and steadfast. Of course I fell in love with you, how could I not? There was absolutely no avoiding it.
When you guided me out of the concrete walls. When you taught me how to write, laughing at how I crossed my T's and looped my O's. When you taught me how to swim, so I wouldn’t be afraid to run on water. When you trained me to defend myself and cared for me when I was tired and bruised from our sessions, even though you knew I’d heal quickly. Every time you held me at night when nightmares consumed me. When you pretended to like my mac and cheese but knew instantly I somehow managed to burn it. The way you look at me. All of these things, I fell deep and hard because of all of these things and so much more. You’re my heart, Bea.
One of the lessons I’ve learned since knowing you is that to live is the rarest thing in the world. Because most people just exist and that's all. I want you to know that because of you, I lived.
I used to think I knew what living was but I didn’t. Before we met, I used to waste my yesterdays, for most of my life I couldn’t help it, but even after the halo, it never seemed like living until you were part of my life. Although it sucks that I am completely out of tomorrows, I do not regret a single moment spent with you.
I know everything sucks and I know you want me to give you answers but I have none. I cannot tell you how you will survive without me. I cannot tell you how to mourn me. I cannot convince you to not feel guilty if you forget the anniversary of my death, or if you realize days or weeks or months have gone by without thinking about me. I cannot tell you how to move on or how to let love find you again. The only answer I can give you is that I just want you to live. Remember that.
When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that love is a superpower we all have, but it's not always a superpower we'll be able to control. Especially when we get older. Sometimes it'll go crazy and we shouldn't be scared if our superpower hits someone we're not expecting it to. I never expected to be hit by your love. But it’s because of your love that I loved, that I lived.
I can’t spend a lifetime repaying you for everything you’ve given me, but just know that I am eternally grateful for you. I will always love you Bea, I’ll forever be in love with you, and maybe in the next life, we’ll be granted more time together.
In The Next,
Your Ava
P.S. Remember that it’s okay to live your life.