Chapter Text
Earth, the 5th month, 2236
Yeosang
(5/26, Thursday, late evening)
This is what he would miss the most. His friends. Their boyfriends and girlfriends. His gaze briefly lingered on Yunho. Their future spouses. He’d miss knowing the people his friends chose to be with forever. He’d never know their children. And yet…his decision had been carefully thought through. Even if he could change his plans without a substantial financial penalty, he wouldn’t.
Well. He might have, if he’d given in to the temptation to tell anyone earlier. They might have persuaded him to stay.
Which would have been unbearable.
He had not been raised to be rude, though. Manners meant he had to tell them in person. Sending a morning meal AI announcement would have been insulting—and cowardly.
“I take it your last paycheck had a large bonus?”
Hongjoong-hyung had always been direct.
“It did.”
Being chosen to represent his company on such an important mission had increased his bank balance by a number of zeros. But since he wouldn’t be here to enjoy it, spending a large portion on dinner at a nice restaurant in Seoul? Seemed a good idea. Also, a perfect time to explain. After they finished eating.
He glanced around the long table. Wooyoung trying to steal some of San’s dessert. Not because he wanted it, but because the repeated attempts were irritating San. Not much, but every eye roll made Wooyoung—and Felix—laugh. Seonghwa slicing his piece of cake exactly in half to share with Yongjoon. Jongho, Mingi, and Seoyun mashing their desserts together to form…a sculpture? Maybe?
Yunho feeding small bites to his fiancée. A huge smile on his face. Why not? Eunsook was adorable. A pocket-sized, pun-loving ball of sunshine. He’d never seen people so perfectly matched.
“Sickeningly sweet, aren’t they?” Hongjoong tilted his head in the same direction Yeosang had forgotten to turn away from.
He shrugged. “They’re happy.”
“Still.” Hongjoong squinted at the pair. “Maybe they’ll get the lovey-dovey out of their systems during the honeymoon.”
Yeosang raised an eyebrow.
“You think not?”
“I find it doubtful.”
Hongjoong sighed. “What did I do to deserve two flatmates who are so…so….” he gestured vaguely at Seonghwa and Yunho. “Syrupy.”
“Yunho’s moving out soon.”
“True. End of an era.“
That it was. He took a deep breath. Time to tell them.
“Hyung? Can you get everyone’s attention?”
Hongjoong gave him a puzzled look, but stood up as requested. No one—not even Wooyoung at his most mischievous—ever ignored that cue. Silence fell.
“Yeosang has something to say.” And Hongjoong sat back down.
All eyes upon him. He took a quick sip of water and rose to his feet, grateful he’d been able to reserve a private room.
“I’m glad all of you were able to make it here tonight.”
“Wouldn’t miss free food!” Eunsook called back cheerily. A small round of laughter followed her remark.
“Didn’t think you would. Even still, I’m grateful. To have everyone together at the same time doesn’t happen that often.”
He took another deep breath.
“It makes it convenient, when there’s an announcement.” He shook his head at a frowning Wooyoung. He didn’t want interruptions, but the words were harder to say than he’d hoped.
“An announcement, Yeosang-hyung?”
He gave Jongho a grateful smile for the verbal nudge.
“Yes. The second settler ship headed to Centauri. I’m on it.”
“You’re on it?” Seonghwa echoed.
“I will be,” he amended. “On the ship. My name’s already on the list. A cabin is reserved for me. And three co-workers.”
“But that ship leaves in two weeks,” San protested.
“It does,” Yeosang replied calmly. “You should put your fork down, San-ah.”
“You’re only telling us now?” Wooyoung was incredulous. And angry. He’d expected that.
“Work for the company that makes the warp engines, you sign a lot of NDAs.“ None of which barred him telling people about joining the crew bound for Centauri, but no one at this table needed to know that.
“Two weeks.” Mingi stared blankly at him. “You’ll be gone. Like…leaving this planet gone. In two weeks.” Seoyun, at his side, bit her lip.
“You won’t be here for the wedding, then,” Yunho said softly.
Yeosang swallowed hard. “If the planet isn’t to fall behind technologically, they need more engineers and technicians than they currently have. Not as many as hoped signed up. I helped design a lot of equipment. How could I say no?”
“If Yeosang-hyung felt an obligation, he couldn’t. That’s who he is.” Felix’s words were supportive—and painful.
“Do you…,” Seonghwa faltered. Yongjoon laced their hands together. “Do you need help packing or organizing or anything like that?”
Yeosang shook his head.
“Oh. I guess…I guess you must’ve taken care of that a while back.” Seonghwa’s shoulders slumped.
“My landlord was really kind. I signed over the big items, so he could let the apartment fully furnished. In return, no penalty for early lease-breaking. Some personal items are already onboard.” He folded his napkin into thirds. “What I have left is with me. In the hotel. Which,” he added hastily, seeing Wooyoung open his mouth, “the company is paying for. Everything worked out very well.”
“Obligation or not, I don’t understand how you can say everything has worked out ‘very well’ when you’re leaving. Leaving forever. That’s part of the deal, isn’t it?” San’s voice was unsteady.
Reluctantly, Yeosang focused on him. Tears. Not crying yet, but tears in his eyes. The heartache and longing that never really left him multiplied. He watched Felix stroke San’s arm. He gave himself a few more seconds. San had all their friends. He had Felix. He’d be okay.
“It’s too long a journey for short-term commitments. Not at all like in-system travel.”
“Even with the new engines you helped build?”
He sighed. “The whole process is expensive, Wooyoung. Supply runs every four years are as much as we can hope for. They need me—and people like me—now.” That was true enough. It was a reasonable and rational explanation for his decision. Even if it wasn’t the primary motivator.
“Well.” Hongjoong cleared his throat. “Two weeks isn’t two days. That’s good news. Are you still working?”
“Not like I used to. No more assignments, but I still get holo-briefings every morning. Last week I was with my family. From now until launch day, my schedule is mostly my own. If anyone is free, I’ll be around.”
He did not look at San. What he wished and what he hoped for were in complete opposition, when it came to him. It’s why he had to leave.
“I don’t know or care how all of you manage it,” Eunsook’s tone was firm, “but we will be doing early wedding photos. Before you leave. Do you hear me? All of you. That way, we can send a holo-cube with you, Yeosang, when you leave. And we’ll have ones of our own.”
“Of course. Whatever you want. Tell me when and where.” The generosity of her offer—her command—awed him a bit.
“I’m not sure,” Felix began hesitantly.
“Make it work,” Eunsook said sternly. “You’re part of us, too.”
Had Yunho told her that San was thinking of proposing, as well? Surely not. They’d all been sworn to secrecy. She was right, though. Felix was part of their family, as much as anyone else in the room.
He leaned back in his chair, watching and listening. He’d miss them all so much.
***
(5/27, Friday, late morning)
“Your 11:30 appointment is here. Shall I unlock the door?” The AI’s smooth voice pulled Yeosang’s attention from his holo-screen.
“What? Oh. Yes. Thank you.”
Of all his friends, he hadn’t expected this one to be the first to visit him in the hotel, given his generally packed schedule. He was glad of it, though. Every moment was precious.
“Yeosang-ah.”
“Hyung.” He gestured to the seat opposite him, then swiped the screen from the air. “Coffee?”
“No.” Hongjoong leaned forward in his chair, his eyes narrowing. “Why are you going to Centauri?”
“Why am—I told you. I told everyone why. Last night.”
“A new planet doesn’t need warp designers.”
“That’s never been what interested me the most.” Keep calm, stay in control. “Clean energy. That’s what they need me for.”
“They would. The thing is, Yeosang, I have difficulty comprehending why a company that doubled your salary last year, to keep you on staff, would be so eager to send you light-years away. You’re useless to them, on Centauri.”
“My-my boss wasn’t thrilled, but the pool of applicants was so low—”
“Applicants? You applied? They didn’t just offer you the job?”
Dammit.
“I knew they needed people with my skillset. Everyone had to formally apply. No matter what.”
“It was your idea, then. Not the company’s. Your choice.”
“Yes.” What was he getting at?
“Why? It’s not just Centauri settlers who need you. Clean energy will always be in high demand, here.”
“I know, hyung, but—”
“Don’t lie, Yeosang-ah.”
“I wasn’t going to.” How could he possibly answer the question without exposing…it was impossible.
“Omissions are lies.”
Yeosang twisted his hands together. “I have to be on that ship.”
“A contract is not an explanation.”
“Not just that. I must be on that ship. I have to leave. I can’t stay here. Not this country. Not this planet. Not this system. I need to be far away.”
Hongjoong’s expression softened. “You’ve never run away from difficult situations before.”
“It isn’t that simple.”
“Jealousy usually is.”
Surprise and puzzlement flooded him. “I’m not.” He couldn’t remember ever feeling jealous. Occasional wistfulness didn’t count, did it?
Now Hongjoong looked confused. “This is about San, though. And Felix. Isn’t it?”
“Why would you say that?” Don’t overreact. Stay calm. He untangled his fingers and rested his hands on the tabletop.
“Timing. The group vidcall, when San announced his plans.”
“To propose to Felix?” He hadn’t thought anyone would put the pieces together. Though Hongjoong hadn’t gotten it quite right.
“Ye-es. That isn’t…behind this?”
“Not in the way you thought. I’m not jealous.”
His sincerity must’ve come through. Hongjoong’s body relaxed.
“But you are leaving because of the vidcall?”
“Yes, and no. If you’ll think back, I supported San’s decision. I still do.”
“And I still think it’s rushed.”
Yeosang couldn’t hold back the half-smile. “You and Wooyoung and, oh, half our friends.”
“Just because Yunho got engaged doesn’t mean everyone has to,” Hongjoong huffed.
“He does love Felix.”
“Everyone knows that. But who meets Felix and doesn’t start to love him? Saying a proposal is the next logical step in their relationship isn’t exactly what romance is made of.”
“A soft heart lies beneath the prickly exterior. The great secret of Kim Hongjoong.” Yeosang laughed lightly.
“It doesn’t bother you, then? San’s intentions?”
“No. I think they’ll be happy together. Both sweet and kind and caring. Big-hearted and compassionate. Felix is so funny, and San’s a wonderful listener.” Yeosang smiled. “They’re both so warm and genuine. They’re a wonderful couple.”
Hongjoong frowned. “I’m very lost, now.”
Yeosang exhaled slowly. “This isn’t easy to say. But you’re my friend, and you asked, and no one’s ever asked. I’d hoped no one ever would.” He rubbed the back of his head. “I’m 29, hyung. I’ve been in love with San since our freshman year of college.”
“You what now?”
The shock on Hongjoong’s face was actually…amusing. And reassuring. If he’d never guessed, no one had.
“When he brought up proposing, it suddenly occurred to me that even if, somehow, Felix wasn’t the one, there’d come a time when someone San loved said yes. As his friend, I’d be at his wedding. If I never left the city, I’d see him and his partner start a family. If I left the country, I’d still visit from time to time, and see him—them—then. I want him to be happy, but I owe it to myself to try for my own happiness. I can’t do that, here. And if I’m going to leave, I should go where I’m needed. To be needed is a good step to being happy, I think.”
“You haven’t tried—pardon this—getting over him? Centauri means leaving everyone.”
Yeosang forced a smile. “Of course, I’ve tried. It’s never worked. As long as he’s nearby, it never will.”
Hongjoong was quiet for several minutes.
“You never told him.”
“No! No. Never. It would have ruined everything.”
“Leaving is better?”
“Yes.” A hundred times so.
Hongjoong scowled at him. “How?”
Didn’t he remember? “Ju Haknyeon. Name ring any bells?”
“Should it?”
“Part of our friend group for a year or so, in college.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“He was a friend. And then he and San started dating. It didn’t end badly…it just ended. We were young. It happens. But it got awkward. Haknyeon drifted off into another group. They were nice, after, when they saw each other, but never again friends. You see?”
“You think that would’ve happened to you?”
“It wasn’t worth the risk. And, too, at the time, I didn’t think it would last as long as it has.” Just a crush. He’d thought that, once upon a time. How naïve. “I’ve never been jealous, though. I might, once in a while, have wished it was me, but I’ve never wanted to displace anyone San was happy with. Let alone someone he loves. Like Felix. At the same time, the idea of staying here, watching his future unfold, always having to guard myself—.” He cut himself off. “I must be on that ship, in two weeks.”
Hongjoong nodded, slowly and reluctantly. “Okay. If this is the only way you can find peace, then I agree. You should be on that ship. I’m going to miss you. You’re a little bit—just a bit—my favorite.” He smiled wryly.
“Maybe on some days. On others, I drive you mad.”
“Hm. Maybe.”
“I’ll miss you, too, hyung.”
“Let’s not get all sappy. Enough of that in my apartment. I’ll take a coffee, now.”
*****
San
(5/29, Sunday, early afternoon)
Three days since Yeosang’s bombshell announcement at dinner, and it still didn’t seem real. Watching the news updates about the soon-to-depart spaceship didn’t seem connected to his life, at all. How could they be? How could Yeosang be leaving, forever, in eleven days? Thousands of people were already living onboard, and Yeosang was still in Seoul—how could he go?
“San-hyung?”
“Hm?” The ship was so big. Yeosang had been on the team overhauling the engines. Why wouldn’t the company want him to stay here? Why would they ask him to join the crew?
“Did you hear anything I said?”
He hadn’t. He fidgeted. “No. I’m sorry.”
Felix gave him a sympathetic smile. “It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?”
“It doesn’t make sense.”
“Why not?”
“Because…Wooyoung and Seonghwa-hyung and I, we took trips abroad in college. Yunho backpacked through the jungle after graduation. Jongho’s a Korean team trainer—he goes with them to each Olympics. Mingi’s a model, with fashion weeks all over the place. Hongjoong-hyung is a travel writer. The only one of us who stays home is Yeosang. The farthest he’s been is Jeju. And now he’s going to Centauri? A different star system. How? Why?”
Felix sank down on the sofa next to San, grabbing his wildly gesturing hands. “You have to calm down. You’ve said before he has the strongest work ethic of anyone you know. How many people are already on that planet? How many are headed there? Tens of thousands, total? And they need people like him. He said it, himself.”
San pulled his shoulders in. “Am I selfish, wanting him to stay, instead?”
“No. You’ve just been told you have to part with a close and dear friend. That there’s a very high chance you’ll never see him again. It’s awful, and you don’t have much time to adjust before….” Felix sighed softly. “You do have time left to make memories. Use it. Take off work. He’s worth it, isn’t he?”
Thoughtful, charming, witty Yeosang, so giving he sometimes bordered on self-sacrifice. Always there for his friends. The first person he’d ever met whose external beauty matched that of his soul. Shrewd yet gentle. And San had wasted three days of the fourteen.
“He’s infinitely worth it. Thank you, Felix.” He pulled his boyfriend in close. He was so lucky he’d found someone as soothed by physical contact as himself.
“That’s what I’m here for.”
*****
Yeosang
(5/30, Monday, around noon)
“Ten days left.”
“Yes, Wooyoung. Any luck renting formal wear?”
“I found a place. Not the same shop, though, which means another deposit. In addition to the rental fees.”
“I can help cover—”
“Stop. I’m not lacking in funds, and you need to talk to a bank about credit transfers or whatever they do. Besides, this is like a gift. To you, to us. It’s fine.” He flipped a new screen over to Yeosang. “San’s calling you.”
Oh.
“Hi.”
“Yeosang. Are you busy today?”
“Um…kind of?”
The small smile on San’s face disappeared.
“Just part of the day,” Wooyoung called out. “Ask him if he’s got his suit.”
“I don’t!” San said quickly.
“Do you want to go with me and Wooyoung? To arrange the rentals?”
“That’d be terrific.” The smile returned.
“Hmm…okay. Fixed it. Sending you the address now. Meet us there in two hours, San-ah!” Wooyoung flicked his holo-screen away and stood. “Why couldn’t they have given you a hotel room with a cooking unit?”
“My boss knows my strengths and weaknesses.”
“And trusting you with anything more complex than a food replicator would be a mistake. Good call. You hungry?”
“Not particularly.”
“Fine. You talk. I want food.”
Yeosang watched Wooyoung cross the room and activate the menu screen. “We’ll need to leave in an hour.”
“I know! Not an idiot. Talk to San!”
He looked back at the holo-screen.
“Is it okay for you to cut work for this?” he asked hesitantly.
San shrugged. “Only one new bill needing compliance review. And it’s not urgent.”
“Ah.”
“I have plenty of earned leave saved, Yeosang. Don’t worry.”
“The trip to Callisto Base?”
The space cruise San had decided upon. For his proposal to Felix.
“They’re booked up through year’s end.” San shrugged a shoulder. “I’ll have plenty of time to add days back in after you…um, after you….”
“After I leave?” It was an effort to keep his voice neutral. He had years of practice in keeping a secret, but knowing Hongjoong knew somehow made it more difficult. Was he overdoing his calm? Should he let some of the sadness show? Or would that be too much of a change?
“Yes.”
Wooyoung had already sat back down, his plate of steaming food on the table, a spoon digging into his rice. But at San’s single word response, he stopped.
Throughout their friendship, meeting Wooyoung’s gaze had carried dangers, making him smile and laugh at the worst possible times.
Not today.
“You should eat,” Yeosang said quietly.
A small nod in response, and a slow refocus on his full dish.
“Yeosang?”
He looked back at the holo-screen. “I’m here.”
“I’ll meet you two at the clothes store.”
“Okay.” The screen disappeared.
He didn’t know what to say. Wooyoung’s enthusiasm from earlier seemed to have vanished in the mechanical motions of eating.
He waited.
Nothing.
Holding back a sigh, he asked the AI to replay the morning’s holo-briefing.
***
(a couple hours later)
By the time they entered the shop, Wooyoung’s mood had improved. He’d never liked being still.
San was waiting for them, running his hand over different fabric samples. “Finally.” He grinned.
“Somebody got a last-minute call he had to answer. He shoved me out of the room so he could talk privately!” Wooyoung crossed his arms.
“Tell me, San,” Yeosang said cordially, “if the boss of your company called you directly, and Wooyoung was visiting, would you trust him to stay quiet, or would you lock him in another room?”
“Another room.” San replied promptly, his eyes glinting.
“You are both so unloving.”
“Has nothing to do with love and everything to do with presenting my boss with my most diligent, serious, and professional manner.”
“Fine.” Wooyoung stuck out his tongue. “Who’s going first?”
“Uh, this is a hologram and AI-run store.”
“So?” Wooyoung looked confused.
“So,” San continued, “their appointment just prior to ours was a no-show, and I was strongly urged to use that time. Already had my turn. All I need to do now is decide on style and color and…all that.”
A pleasant-faced woman appeared at Wooyoung’s side. “Sir, if you would follow me to the scanner?” She smiled sweetly.
For a small shop, her holomatrix was very good. Not that Yeosang would say that within the AI’s hearing. Never knew how independent each was, and he didn’t want to be kicked out of the store for a perceived insult.
He watched his friend disappear behind a thin curtain, then turned back to San. He blinked.
“Why are you staring at me?”
A long pause.
“Trying to memorize you,” San responded, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
Odd.
“That’s what holo-cubes are for.”
“Yeah. You’re right.”
He sounded subdued.
Were heavy silences going to form the majority of his remaining time on-planet? Yeosang sincerely hoped not.
“How’s Felix?”
“He’s good. His students love him.”
Yeosang couldn’t help the smile. “When do people not love Felix?”
“I’m sure some people…nah.” San grinned. “I’m biased as hell, but I just can’t see it happening. He’ll always be loved.”
By everyone, especially San. But that was as it should be. He shouldn’t be planning a proposal unless he loved him. And he did believe what he’d told Hongjoong. They made a good match. He had no reason to believe that would change.
“With the Callisto cruise not an option, are you going to postpone asking him?”
“If I do that, it means waiting close to a year.”
“Waiting another year could be a good thing, San,” Wooyoung piped up, behind them. “Your turn, Yeosang-ah.”
“Just because you—”
“Not just me! Hongjoong-hyung, Jongho, Mingi,” Wooyoung ticked the names off on his fingers, “Four very different brains think you’re moving too fast. You’ve only been dating him for five months! Yunho dated Eunsook for two years before he asked her to marry him.”
San frowned at him. “When you know, you know.”
“Proposing after five months—though one of those months he was on break visiting his family in Australia, wasn’t he, so it’s four months in person, three weeks of twice a week holo-calls—that’s not when you know, you know, that’s seeing Yunho and Eunsook and wanting what they have, when you’re still in the everything is beautiful stage. It’s not realistic.”
“Yeosang supports us!” San shot back.
“Supports you. Because he thinks you’ll be happy, and he’s always been supportive of whatever makes you happy. Even if he doesn’t have the relationship experience himself to gauge whether or not your decision is a good idea.”
Yeosang flinched.
“Take that back, Jung Wooyoung.” San’s face was stormy.
“Why should I—oh, shit. Yeosang-ah, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot.” Wooyoung yanked him into a hug.
He dropped his head to Wooyoung’s shoulder, taking those precious few seconds to clear his mind of the hurt. It wasn’t an entirely inaccurate statement. He hadn’t dated that many people, and none of them for very long. But he didn’t believe that was directly tied to his ability to assess San and Felix as compatible for a lifetime. He pulled back, clasping hands with his still-stricken-looking friend.
“I do support his decision, Wooyoung-ah, but it’s not just about happiness. They fit together so well. You can’t deny that. If San wants to formalize their relationship with a proposal, what’s wrong with that? It doesn’t mean they’d be renting a wedding hall the very next day.” And though he was fairly confident Felix would say yes, he wasn’t certain—he didn’t know him well enough. Not that he would ever voice that opinion! Fuel to the fire, and cruel to San.
“I apologize, San,” Wooyoung muttered.
“You’re forgiven.”
“Sir, if you would follow me to the scanner?”
Yeosang startled. He’d forgotten about their audience. Sort of audience. He hoped the AI was strictly business.
“I’m, uh, going to get measured. Why don’t the two of you start looking at patterns and cuts and things? I’ll be back in a little bit.”
*****
San
(5/31, Tuesday, mid-day)
Nine days. Every morning when his alarm went off, his first thought was how many days remained. Beyond that lay a reality where Yeosang wasn’t a part of his life. Unreachable. Untouchable. A memory. Living, thank God, but still just a memory. He tried not to think about it.
San looked at the time. They’d arranged a schedule, the eight of them, on a vidcall the night before. Today was a picnic with Mingi and Seoyun. They’d promised containers of Yeosang’s favorite fried chicken. He’d laughed. Jongho had voted for karaoke. That was tonight. Tomorrow was San’s turn.
He had no idea what to offer.
The chiming alert of a new assignment drew his attention. He scanned the summary. Sub-committee hearings, his presence required—acknowledged and calendared.
He didn’t want to share his time with anyone. Not even strangers. Could he invite Yeosang to his apartment? Should he? What could they do? When he was at Felix’s, they sometimes played vid-games. He could borrow the equipment, but it seemed a terrible waste of precious hours. A movie would be the same—unless he picked a terrible one they could make fun of. If all he’d have, soon, were memories, he’d rather they be filled with laughter. Yeosang would feel the same, wouldn’t he?
It was strange, feeling so off-balance. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt uncertain about anythinginvolving Yeosang. But then, he’d never before had to worry about something so important. Nine days, but only parts of them would he, San, be included in.
And then Yeosang would be gone.
Forever.
San slumped in his chair. A movie sounded stupid, but what else was he going to do? Time enough to talk about memories, with the others, after that horrible ship had left orbit.
“Lunch?”
He looked up at his co-worker.
“No. Not really hungry.”
***
(6/3, Friday, early afternoon)
“Act happier,” Wooyoung hissed to San.
“Six days. That’s all that’s left.” He shoved his hands into his pockets.
“I know. I know. But these are wedding photos for Yunho and Eunsook. Which should be enough to motivate you, but since that’s not the fucking case,” Wooyoung grabbed his arm and squeezed tightly, “remind yourself that these photos are the last photos Yeosang will have of us, and that we’ll have of him. So fucking smile. Stop acting like he’s already gone.”
San winced. “Okay. I got it.”
“Hyung,” Felix said quietly. “Let go. You’ll both be noticed.”
Wooyoung narrowed his eyes, then released his grip. “If I can hide how I feel, you can. Don’t fuck up.”
“Wooyoung-ah,” Yunho called, “get over here!”
A brilliant smile lit his face as he spun around and casually strolled to join the bridal couple.
“How did he do that?” San stared after him.
Felix was quiet for a few moments. “You’ve always said never underestimate him. I guess he’s bending his own nature to fit the situation. You do need to try to look less…miserable.”
San rubbed his arm. “Too obvious, huh?”
“A bit.” Felix hesitated. “Does it feel weird? Seeing your friends look all...married?”
“They’re not. Not yet.”
“I know. But the wedding dress and the fancy suit, it seems like they are. I barely know them, and it’s…weird.”
Not quite the reaction he’d have expected from Felix.
“Why?”
“Marriage is marriage. And they’ll want kids, yeah? Blows my mind a little.”
“Do you not want that?” Felix was a teacher. He delighted in children.
“I mean, eventually? Four or five years from now? There’s still so much I want to do, and places I want to see.” Another hesitation. “I think they want group photos.”
Four or five years?
“San-hyung. The photos.” Felix tugged at his elbow.
“Right.” Smile. He had to smile. For Yeosang.
*****
Yeosang
(an hour later)
One final meeting left with his boss. He checked his watch. He should leave soon.
He should probably…hug everyone? He didn’t know if they were busy this weekend, and he might not have another chance. Though if he did something so out of character, they’d want to know why.
He should have mentioned the earlier shipboarding the night he announced he’d be on the settler ship. He hadn’t intended to put it off, just…it wasn’t going to go over well. Braver people would have brought it up as soon as they’d decided. But that had been months ago, and if he’d given his friends months of warning, they might have persuaded him to back out. He couldn’t afford that—so he’d kept quiet. Selfishly, cowardly quiet. He sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
Hiding the truth from Wooyoung was the hardest. He wasn’t sure how he’d managed that at all. A living lie detector if ever there was one.
“I have a last meeting at the company.” He should tell them. While everyone was still here.
“Oh.” Wooyoung’s face fell. “We were going to get ice cream.”
“I can’t.” He wished he could. He wished he didn’t have to go. He wished he could skip the meeting, skip the boarding, sleep through the ship’s departure and…magically be okay? He chanced a quick glance at San and Felix. Never going to happen. He’d made his choice for the sake of his future sanity. If that meant being self-centered, then for once, he would be self-centered.
“Bosses.” Hongjoong shook his head. “They’re why freelance is the only way to go.”
“All well and good when people are lining up for what you can offer them,” Seonghwa made a face.
“You have, what, hyung, dozens of standing offers? If you left your current job?” Wooyoung crossed his arms.
“Any CEO I worked for would still be my boss.” Seonghwa responded tartly. “No vacations on a whim to write about.”
“Hey! I plan those ‘vacations’!” Hongjoong protested.
Yeosang laughed. He’d miss the bickering, too.
“Uh, Yeosang? Got a minute?”
He turned to face Mingi. A dejected-looking Mingi, with a sad but determined Seoyun by his side.
“Yeah,” he replied cautiously.
“In private?”
Unease rapidly built inside him as he followed the two several meters away from the oblivious, still-arguing trio.
“Is something wrong?” He looked back and forth between them.
Mingi tapped his watch and a holo-screen appeared. A program highlighting the soon to depart settler ship. Muted, the words ran at the bottom and betrayed the secret he hadn’t meant to keep.
“It’s not a mistake on their part, is it?” Seoyun asked quietly.
A shaky breath for courage.
“No.”
“Why?” Mingi’s voice was bleak.
“It wasn’t on purpose. I planned to tell everyone…and then I forgot. It’s still the same departure date, it’s just….” His voice trailed off.
“You’re leaving sooner?”
San. He hadn’t noticed him approaching. He didn’t want to look at him. Didn’t want to see the pain he could hear. He stared at the floor.
“The ship undocks Thursday, but all passengers and crew, we have to be onboard three days before. My shuttle leaves Monday.”
Silence spread. Had the others somehow sensed something was up? Did everyone now know? He pulled his gaze up and…yeah. Everyone.
Eunsook’s face began to crumple. “When, Monday?” she choked out.
“At dawn.” Yeosang rubbed his temple. “I can get vidcalls in orbit. I’ll still be available. Sort of.”
Wooyoung was leaning against a wall, his eyes closed. Seonghwa clung to Yonghoon, Jongho a somber presence next to Yunho. San—Felix was stroking his hand. He’d be okay. They’d all, eventually, be okay.
“If I could change the rules, I would. I’m sorry.” A poor offering, but all he could think of.
“It’s all right, Yeosang.” Hongjoong sounded tired. “We understand.”
“I don’t.” San pulled his hand free and stepped closer. “I thought we’d be saying goodbye Wednesday, not Sunday. That’s a huge difference, Yeosang. Two days before you leave us, forever. Two days, not five.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, forcing himself to maintain eye contact. “And I’m sorry I have a meeting I have to attend today. I’m running a little late as it is. But I should be back in the hotel by 7:00, if anyone wants to stop by. Or call. Not that anyone needs to, but if anyone wants to, then…. Well.”
After a brief silence, Yunho cleared his throat. “We don’t have the space for much longer, anyway. We should all clear out. The holo-cube will be delivered tomorrow, Yeosang. Come on, Eunsook-ah. Let’s go change.”
“San-hyung. He has to go.”
He did. Now, and next week. He could not live a life wishing he was the one San wanted. The one he loved. The unhappiness of not being that person had never been so strong before. As he’d told Hongjoong, the only hope of freeing himself was to put an impossible distance between him and anywhere San could be. Centauri was the only answer.
“Yeosang-ah…,” Seonghwa spoke barely above a whisper.
Yonghoon took over. “We’ll call you. Tonight. And the remaining days after. Don’t miss your meeting.”
He nodded. Sunday could be for goodbyes. He didn’t have to rush it now.
“I’m sorry,” he said, one last time, then walked quickly to the door.
*****
San
(two hours later)
He hadn’t wanted ice cream after Yeosang left the photo session. No one had. All he’d wanted was to return to his apartment. San needed time—time!—to wrap his brain around the imminent shift in reality that was a world without Yeosang. He’d been avoiding focusing on it, but now? He could measure the length of time between now and when Yeosang would step into a shuttle in hours, not days. He felt brittle.
“Hyung. About earlier.”
“Yeosang leaving on Monday? What about it?”
“No. I wasn’t referring to that. Look at me, please.”
San obeyed. He could—he should—give full attention to the person in the same room. And…Felix had said something important, a short while ago.
Choosing his words as carefully as he could, San began, “What did you mean, earlier, about marriage?”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. We should sit down.”
That didn’t sound good. But Felix was here, and he needed to talk, and he wanted them to sit down.
San rubbed at the fabric of the sofa cushion. Yeosang had laughed the first time he’d seen the polka dot pattern.
“It’s not exactly marriage, but…,” Felix sighed. “The timing is shit, I know that. Yeosang-hyung and now this?”
“What?” Why was he bringing up Yeosang? What was “this”?
Felix cleared his throat, his hands reaching out for San’s. “I’ve been offered a job promotion. When I first started teaching, there’s a box you check, if you’re interested, but they’re very selective, and I never thought I’d be chosen. If I say no, they won’t offer it again. And, hyung, it’s been my dream, to live and work on the Moon base, since I was a kid. I don’t want to give that up.”
San stared at him. The Moon? Felix was moving to the Moon base? When? For how long? Could they make a relationship last that was that long-distance?
“You shouldn’t have to.” He bit his lip. “I could…maybe I could look and see if they have any jobs in my area?”
Felix shook his head, a gentle smile on his face. “San-hyung, I love you. I know you love me. But you don’t want to follow me that far. A person only does that for a life-altering kind of love. We don’t have that.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re at different points in our lives. We want…different things. I’ve seen,” his voice became gentler, “the sort of envious looks you’ve had around Yunho-hyung and Eunsook-noona.”
San reddened self-consciously.
“It’s not bad, it’s just—there’s something missing between us. Something I suppose grows over time. Maybe that could have been us, except you already have that connection with someone else.”
San blinked at him. “Who? What are you talking about?”
“It’s like an intensity of devotion. I’m not sure how else to describe it. But I could never promise forever to someone unless it was present. From me and from the one I loved. You, you have it with Yeosang.”
Did he? But that was different.
“Yeosang is leaving.”
“Yeah. I know.” Felix’s shoulders drooped. “But his absence isn’t going to make that devotion vanish. It’s just going to hurt. I hate that you’ll hurt, but trying to stay with me, over such a distance, without that connection? It won’t help you at all. Or me.” He squeezed San’s hands, then released them.
“When?” One word. Such a weighted, single word.
“Not for a while, but I want to spend time with my family before I leave, and they’re spread out, you know? From Australia to Canada. I have to start making arrangements, give my notice, so many details. It’s horrible, horrible timing, for you. I feel like an absolute ass, leaving you, when someone so dear to you is also leaving. I should stay here for you. But—.”
“No. No, you need to spend time with your family. You have obligations, too.” He could organize his thoughts. He could. “Can we stay friends?” To lose Felix, as well, would be too much.
“If you’ll still have me as one, after dumping this on you. Today, of all days.”
“Absolutely.”
“I’m glad. I’ll still be in town a while, but hanging out right after breaking up is…. I’ll be back in a few months—maybe then?”
“Sure.” One more reason to get forget-the-world drunk after Yeosang left. “I’d like that.”
“Okay. Um. This is awkward now, isn’t it?”
San couldn’t deny that, so he nodded.
Felix leaned in for a brief hug, then stood. “I’ll see myself out, hyung. I’ve loved getting to know you and all your friends. I should’ve backed out of the wedding photos, but I only found out this morning, and I didn’t want to ruin the mood and the photos since they’re the last ones and, um….” He looked distressed.
“It’s okay.” San hunted for words. “We’re staying friends, right? I wouldn’t want to erase you from today.” That was true.
Felix twisted a ring around his finger as silence stretched between them.
“I should get going. I’ll be thinking of you.”
Again, San nodded. He didn’t know what else to say.
The apartment was oppressively quiet after Felix left. Snippets of their conversations kept replaying in his mind. Intensity of devotion. Such a strange phrase. That he had that with Yeosang and not the man he’d thought he’d propose to. Did he? It stung, to end things with Felix, but he didn’t feel as devastated as he should have. It was confusing.
He leaned forward to the table and picked up a holo-cube. Yunho waving and smiling after he’d won his first big case. Wooyoung and his ex—they’d been good together, while they’d lasted. Cute, too. Seonghwa’s and Yonghoon’s anniversary party. Mingi spinning Seoyun in the air. Yeosang laughing as Seoyun tried to return the favor. He rotated the cube in his hands, as memory after memory appeared before him.
Had he been rushing things, with Felix? He’d fallen in—and out—of love before. Why had he been so set on proposing? Had Wooyoung been right? Had it been because he felt he should keep step with his friends? Terrible thought, that. San stopped on an old memory. College graduation. Everyone had brought a date to that celebratory dinner. He didn’t remember the guy with Yeosang. Which was a bit odd. Had he…had he ever seen the guy again, after that night? He didn’t think so.
He moved on. Slowly, all the captured moments led him to realize something he never had, before. That Yeosang hadn’t had many relationships, he knew. That he hadn’t had any serious ones, though? Why? He was one of the most supportive, generous, thoughtful, and kind people San had ever known. And, objectively, he was stunning. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t seem fair. He deserved to be loved.
Maybe he would be, on Centauri. Only none of them would ever know.
How much that hurt. Nothing in his life had been as difficult as facing the fact that in less than a week, Yeosang would be gone. Within a year, he’d be trillions of kilometers away. Unreachable. Untouchable. Holo-vids and holo-cubes and the memories he’d retain as long as he lived—that wasn’t enough, but it’d have to be. It’d have to be enough to survive on.
The vidcall was chiming loudly by the time he registered it.
“Answer.”
Wooyoung stared back at him, tears running down his face.
San sat up straight. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Me? Yes. I’m okay. No, I’m not.”
“Where are you? What’s happened? Your family?” They were all healthy, as far as he knew.
“No. They’re fine. It’s—this wasn’t supposed to happen! Not today. Not any day.”
“You aren’t making sense, Young-ah.”
“It’s not fair, San. He was fine. And now he’s just lying there, tech-bands keeping him in a coma, so that he might, might, they said, wake up later.”
One of their friends. No answer would be acceptable, but—.
“Who?” He held his breath.
Wooyoung curled in on himself, rocking back and forth.
No.
A brief movement, and Hongjoong’s face—he’d been crying? No. No.
“San. Listen to me. The coma was induced and is strictly controlled. Yeosang—hold on a second. Jongho,” he called to the side, “can you—thanks.” He looked back at the screen. “Someone has to sit with Wooyoung, and he doesn’t need to hear this again.”
“What did he mean, might wake up?” That had to be the wrong word. “Why ‘might’? If they induced it, they can reverse it.”
“They don’t know how much damage was done. Not yet. The neuro machines are assessing and doing whatever it is they do. His family’s on their way. They’ll be told more. His sister promised to update me.” Hongjoong took a deep breath. “Some store owner didn’t program their defensive system properly. Instead of a light body stun, the laser was a level 6 focus. It…tracked him, as he tried to run away, hit him in the temple. His body barely responded to stimuli at the scene.”
Laser level 6? “How…?”
“City cameras—we think he took a shortcut. But I don’t know, San. I don’t know how the AI regulators didn’t catch such a botched job. I don’t know why it activated.”
“Shortcut,” San repeated dully. “He took a shortcut because of that meeting. He was late, running late, because of us.”
“Do not you dare blame yourself. The only fault lies with that storeowner. I bet the install wasn’t even legal. Not that it matters.” Hongjoong rubbed fiercely at an escaping tear.
Disasters, in books, made people feel numb and hollow. He didn’t feel either. He felt cracked apart. If he looked down, would his body still be intact?
Might wake up meant he might not. Uncountable times worse than Yeosang leaving for Centauri was the possibility his existence as a person might cease. How could his last encounter with him have been filled with reproach? Was that the final memory he’d have? Had Yeosang been distracted, hurrying to the meeting, thinking about everyone’s disappointment? Then the fear of trying to outrun an AI system. Then nothing.
Nothing?
He could not cope with nothing. He didn’t know how he could function, in such a future.
What had his last words been? He’d complained. Yeosang had apologized. That could not be it. That could not be their final exchange. He hadn’t told him—he’d never told him…never…oh, God.
“San? San? San!”
He’d never….
Yeosang had to wake up.
“San!”
He shook his head. “Yes, hyung?”
“We’re all meeting here, to wait. The others should arrive soon. Bring a change of clothes. No one has to leave until we hear…something.”